I Don't Do Boyfriends.
I was at the diner to get a sandwich to go. Justin was waiting for me outside. Michael and Ben were at the diner too with the ugly brat: Hunter. It was clear that this kid had a crush on me. God! Why did every kid in Pitts have a crush on me?
I ordered what I wanted and Hunter came to me and without hesitation pointed at Justin and asked.
"Michael said he is your boyfriend, it's true?"
Damn that kid. I was ready to say what I always used to say when people asked me that: "I don't do boyfriends," but at this moment I was mad and upset. Hunter said, "Michael said he is your boyfriend." I glared at Michael, who didn't understand why I was glaring at him. In fact my glare said, "how many times do I have to tell you he is not my boyfriend?" And suddenly old memories were running through my head. All these flashbacks took only few seconds, but it seemed longer and I remembered.
I remembered how Michael had panicked after his mom entered the room and surprised us. It was the day where I figured out Michael didn't assume his homosexuality even if he had a mother who understood it and an uncle who was queer too. I had problems dealing with the aftermath and accepting that Michael didn't assume his condition. But time passed and the incident was forgotten, well, was pretending to be forgotten.
Then, the day he surprised me with a guy I was fucking in a corner. It's like my heart stopped when I saw him so pale and so hurt. I said to him it was nothing, just a fuck, but he was mad and upset. He didn't listen to me. He already made his own movie in his head as he told me "It's okay for you to have a boyfriend, that you don't need me near you anymore. Don't worry, I understand. I will leave you alone with your boyfriend." God, it was crazy, he was hurt and he was saying stupid things and I had to yell that he was just a fuck, that it didn't mean anything, he wouldn't be my boyfriend, he wasn't my boyfriend and I remembered I kissed him softly to shut him up. And that after that kiss he was calmed down and I repeated calmly what I said before.
He still wasn't convinced and I repeated again, "I don't do boyfriends," with a dead serious look. And he smiled at him more secure. He said, "Ooh... so I can stay, you're sure he is not." "No," and his face lit up and I was surprised when he asked to me "So tell me, how was it? I want details." I was stunned. That day I decided to never do a boyfriend. I didn't want that to happen again. I didn't want to lose Michael for that. AND "boyfriend" became the word I hated the most. It was like each time I heard that word I remembered that day when I could have lost Michael for a such stupid thing.
Months later, we were in his room again, but this time we had locked the door. We were talking about something, I didn't remember exactly. I was close to Michael, as usual. I had an arm put on his shoulder. We were laughing and I smiled at him, how much I loved Michael already at this time. I put a quick kiss on his cheek and then I felt his hand under my shirt. I was surprised, but that was okay, I said nothing. We were still laughing as he caressed my bare skin and I kissed him again, soft and quick but on the lips this time and I felt his hand move down near my crotch, I was pleased, really pleased, until I saw the lust in his eyes, the desire, he wanted me right now and I wanted him but his look shocked me. It was only lust and desire. I didn't see that pure look of love he had for me as usual. It was all about sex and I was scared. The lust he had in his eyes scared me. But I was scared more to not see the love and in my head everything was confused. The only thing I was thinking was, if you made love with him, you will lose him, he doesn't love me, he loves what everyone loves in me, my body, my reputation, my charisma. I never believed in love, why will Michael love me? I took his hand and smiled at him. "I think we can take a nap Mikey, I'm tired." God, the hurt I saw broke me in two pieces. He was obviously disappointed. I tried to smile and acted like nothing happened. But he was upset and hurt and again I had the feeling that I could lose him. And I didn't want that. I just couldn't lose him. I took him in my arms tightly looked at him. He was confused. I didn't know what to do and then I kissed him again quickly on the lips and said, "Good nap, Mikey," and he smiled back. The kiss had done its effect and the love was back in Michael's eyes and I didn't lose my Michael and I knew what to do to not lose my Michael .
Since that day, I didn't believe in love, I believed in fucking, except for Michael.
Hunter still looked at me. He was waiting for my answer. I looked at Michael. Since that day things changed, I learned in the comic store that Michael didn't want just a fuck, then I saw Michael who gave a kiss to Ben. My heart broke, because Michael had fucked Ben and in Michael's eye, I saw love too. He looked at Ben the same way he looked at me without the sex. Michael was with Ben. He was happy. I turned my head I saw Justin outside still waiting for me with a large smile.
"So?" asked Hunter again.
I looked at Hunter. "Huh? . I... It's." I hesitated and finally said "Yes, he is."
Hunter seemed disappointed. But I didn't care about Hunter anymore. I said yes, he is, I do boyfriends. Did that mean I was giving up on Michael? Maybe, that's probably why I felt that pain in my heart. I said I had a boyfriend. Did that mean I was accepting to lose Michael? I couldn't move because of the pain and the hurt. I wanted to cry and scream but nothing wanted to come out. Justin entered the diner and he looked at me and said, "It's time, Brian. We will be late."
Without thinking, I held him in my arms tightly. I needed comfort, that pain I had inside was killing me. He held me back and I kissed him deeply, wanting to lose myself in the kiss, to lose that pain. And then I felt it on my neck, Michael's look and I turned my head and saw him look at me and Justin. In this look there was hurt, anger and jealousy... Maybe I didn't lose Michael yet after all, maybe I still had my chance. And once again, hope and pain were fighting together and as always hope won against pain.. I couldn't give up, I would try again to get Michael back, carefully. I didn't want to risk to feel that pain again... I won't give up and one day.
One day..
The end.
I was at the diner to get a sandwich to go. Justin was waiting for me outside. Michael and Ben were at the diner too with the ugly brat: Hunter. It was clear that this kid had a crush on me. God! Why did every kid in Pitts have a crush on me?
I ordered what I wanted and Hunter came to me and without hesitation pointed at Justin and asked.
"Michael said he is your boyfriend, it's true?"
Damn that kid. I was ready to say what I always used to say when people asked me that: "I don't do boyfriends," but at this moment I was mad and upset. Hunter said, "Michael said he is your boyfriend." I glared at Michael, who didn't understand why I was glaring at him. In fact my glare said, "how many times do I have to tell you he is not my boyfriend?" And suddenly old memories were running through my head. All these flashbacks took only few seconds, but it seemed longer and I remembered.
I remembered how Michael had panicked after his mom entered the room and surprised us. It was the day where I figured out Michael didn't assume his homosexuality even if he had a mother who understood it and an uncle who was queer too. I had problems dealing with the aftermath and accepting that Michael didn't assume his condition. But time passed and the incident was forgotten, well, was pretending to be forgotten.
Then, the day he surprised me with a guy I was fucking in a corner. It's like my heart stopped when I saw him so pale and so hurt. I said to him it was nothing, just a fuck, but he was mad and upset. He didn't listen to me. He already made his own movie in his head as he told me "It's okay for you to have a boyfriend, that you don't need me near you anymore. Don't worry, I understand. I will leave you alone with your boyfriend." God, it was crazy, he was hurt and he was saying stupid things and I had to yell that he was just a fuck, that it didn't mean anything, he wouldn't be my boyfriend, he wasn't my boyfriend and I remembered I kissed him softly to shut him up. And that after that kiss he was calmed down and I repeated calmly what I said before.
He still wasn't convinced and I repeated again, "I don't do boyfriends," with a dead serious look. And he smiled at him more secure. He said, "Ooh... so I can stay, you're sure he is not." "No," and his face lit up and I was surprised when he asked to me "So tell me, how was it? I want details." I was stunned. That day I decided to never do a boyfriend. I didn't want that to happen again. I didn't want to lose Michael for that. AND "boyfriend" became the word I hated the most. It was like each time I heard that word I remembered that day when I could have lost Michael for a such stupid thing.
Months later, we were in his room again, but this time we had locked the door. We were talking about something, I didn't remember exactly. I was close to Michael, as usual. I had an arm put on his shoulder. We were laughing and I smiled at him, how much I loved Michael already at this time. I put a quick kiss on his cheek and then I felt his hand under my shirt. I was surprised, but that was okay, I said nothing. We were still laughing as he caressed my bare skin and I kissed him again, soft and quick but on the lips this time and I felt his hand move down near my crotch, I was pleased, really pleased, until I saw the lust in his eyes, the desire, he wanted me right now and I wanted him but his look shocked me. It was only lust and desire. I didn't see that pure look of love he had for me as usual. It was all about sex and I was scared. The lust he had in his eyes scared me. But I was scared more to not see the love and in my head everything was confused. The only thing I was thinking was, if you made love with him, you will lose him, he doesn't love me, he loves what everyone loves in me, my body, my reputation, my charisma. I never believed in love, why will Michael love me? I took his hand and smiled at him. "I think we can take a nap Mikey, I'm tired." God, the hurt I saw broke me in two pieces. He was obviously disappointed. I tried to smile and acted like nothing happened. But he was upset and hurt and again I had the feeling that I could lose him. And I didn't want that. I just couldn't lose him. I took him in my arms tightly looked at him. He was confused. I didn't know what to do and then I kissed him again quickly on the lips and said, "Good nap, Mikey," and he smiled back. The kiss had done its effect and the love was back in Michael's eyes and I didn't lose my Michael and I knew what to do to not lose my Michael .
Since that day, I didn't believe in love, I believed in fucking, except for Michael.
Hunter still looked at me. He was waiting for my answer. I looked at Michael. Since that day things changed, I learned in the comic store that Michael didn't want just a fuck, then I saw Michael who gave a kiss to Ben. My heart broke, because Michael had fucked Ben and in Michael's eye, I saw love too. He looked at Ben the same way he looked at me without the sex. Michael was with Ben. He was happy. I turned my head I saw Justin outside still waiting for me with a large smile.
"So?" asked Hunter again.
I looked at Hunter. "Huh? . I... It's." I hesitated and finally said "Yes, he is."
Hunter seemed disappointed. But I didn't care about Hunter anymore. I said yes, he is, I do boyfriends. Did that mean I was giving up on Michael? Maybe, that's probably why I felt that pain in my heart. I said I had a boyfriend. Did that mean I was accepting to lose Michael? I couldn't move because of the pain and the hurt. I wanted to cry and scream but nothing wanted to come out. Justin entered the diner and he looked at me and said, "It's time, Brian. We will be late."
Without thinking, I held him in my arms tightly. I needed comfort, that pain I had inside was killing me. He held me back and I kissed him deeply, wanting to lose myself in the kiss, to lose that pain. And then I felt it on my neck, Michael's look and I turned my head and saw him look at me and Justin. In this look there was hurt, anger and jealousy... Maybe I didn't lose Michael yet after all, maybe I still had my chance. And once again, hope and pain were fighting together and as always hope won against pain.. I couldn't give up, I would try again to get Michael back, carefully. I didn't want to risk to feel that pain again... I won't give up and one day.
One day..
The end.