The Fall of William
Disclaimer: Joss owns all.
A/N: Hi all. Nothing much to say here except that I've uploaded chapters 5- 11 over at Spuffy Archives and Flames said they should be up today or tomorrow. Once again thanks for the reviews. I'm glad everyone's still enjoying this story.
~*~
Ch:16
Buffy realized something was wrong when Spike placed her on his bed and caught her wrists in one hand as he straddled her.
She frowned up at him, displeasure shining brightly in her green eyes.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
Spike smiled as he lifted his free hand to brush a few errant strands of hair away from her face.
"I was thinking," he began.
Buffy groaned and shook her head.
"I don't want to talk Spike," she protested trying to free her hands and when that didn't work she raised herself up and nipped at his jaw. "We've got better things to do than talk."
"I was thinking," he continued," about you-"he paused unsure of whether to continue or not.
"Me?" Buffy asked in surprise. "Just now or something? If all you're going to do is talk then get off me," she muttered.
"I need to talk to you Buffy," he said then, trying to convey his seriousness as he gazed into her eyes. His grip tightened on her wrists as she looked away and gave a shrug.
"Go ahead. But let me up first," Buffy snapped tugging at her wrists.
Spike released her and rolled off her rising to his feet.
"It's time we stopped these games," he muttered running a hand over his face and sighing. He hadn't thought it would be this hard to talk to her.
He guessed he should have known better. Buffy wasn't going to make this easy for him, and he was certain it was going to be hard.
"What games?" Buffy asked looking around as she too stood from the bed. "I'm not playing games with you Spike. I stopped playing games years ago. So who's playing games? It's not me!"
"Then I guess I had better stop with the games then luv because it's not working! Period. I'll admit it I've played this game you started to the end and I'm worse off because of it. See I thought it could be enough, me hatin' you and wanting you dead. That I could live with it if I killed you. That was my thinking but I was wrong. I'll never be able to do it Buffy. I just realized you and I are..."
Buffy heard him talking, saw his mouth move, but the words, she couldn't for the life of her decipher them and in the back of her mind she knew this was important. Not only to her but to Spike.
But she couldn't listen to this.
Wouldn't.
She wasn't going to let herself hope and have it ruined; she'd been there, done that and never wanted to go down that road again.
She believed Spike truly thought he might be able to get over what had transpired between them and move on from it but she knew him and it was never going to work. Never. It would always be there between them.
Shaking her head she shoved back the hope that had slowly bloomed and looked down at her hands, which were clenched tightly together.
How was she going to do this? Make him understand? They'd been through this and nothing had changed.
"Stop," she cut him off sharply.
Spike closed his mouth and stared at Buffy as she lifted her hands, palm forward as if to ward off blows.
He knew then what she was going to say, and frankly he didn't want to hear it. She wasn't understanding him.
"Stop talking like you can forget about all that's happened Spike. Because we both know it's not true. And what brought this on anyway? I know -"
"You know nothing," he suddenly snarled stalking towards her. "You think you know me Buffy? But you don't. Have you seen inside of me and found the soul of darkness, someone not even willing to try? Well let me tell you-"
"I don't know you? Spike, Spike," she shook her head on the verge of laughing, she knew him better than he knew himself, "I took you down. I put you in prison and played you, for everything you had honey. Don't tell me I don't know you because I do!"
"Played?" he breathed angrily glaring at her. He couldn't believe she was saying this to him! Talking about him as if it had been nothing more than a job to her when he knew damn well it had far exceeded that.
He had only to think about Wes.
She hadn't needed to put Wes in touch with him, hadn't needed to give him the sounding board he had needed back then.
But she had and this wasn't going the way he had imagined it would.
"Yes," Buffy replied with a smug smile, her hands on her hips. Why did he want to get into this now? She thought angrily. Things had been fine until he'd opened his mouth about wanting to talk to her. She could not imagine what he needed to say to her that hadn't already been said before.
She watched him as he took in her words, knew he wouldn't be able to let it go, he was just like that. He didn't like the fact that she could be so nonchalant about his life, about destroying it.
Not that she was but appearances meant everything and right now she was in her element. She would let him have it all. Then she'd see how he could handle it.
"You didn't play me," he contradicted her coldly; trying to focus on what he was trying to accomplish here.
"I didn't?" Buffy purred out as she circled him, crossing her arms above her breasts. She pursed her lips as her eyes traveled over him. "Sorry to burst your bubble but I did. And you know what?"
Spike clenched his jaw, so hard he felt a headache forming as he glared at her. He knew she was baiting him, but he couldn't resist it. She didn't mean the words she was saying, he told himself as he found himself speaking. She just wasn't willing to try any more and who could blame her?
He didn't. But what she wasn't hearing was that he was willing, more than willing, that he'd spent the past year working on himself. Talking to Wes everyday to get to this point.
"What?" he growled.
"It was easy," she whispered reaching up and cupping his face in her hands.
Spike stiffened despite himself. Easy, he thought stunned. Grrr argh! She was making this hard, he thought with a growl. Hard and damn her he wasn't going to take this sitting down.
"Easy?" he echoed incredulously.
"Easy," Buffy agreed nodding her head, released him.
He snagged her by the waist and brought her to him, grinned a feral grin and dipped his head until his lips were even with her ear.
"It almost worked," he whispered. Take that, he thought. Indeed it had almost worked, made him angry and irrational.
"Almost? I'll say it did. I had you the minute I spoke, remembering, hating me and you know what you can talk all you want about forgetting and moving on but if it's that easy to bring it all back it will never work."
It was a point she was tired of hammering into him, it was obvious to her that he wasn't ready, would maybe never be ready to move on with his life, especially with her in it. He was never going to change and why should he? She had known what she'd been doing and had accepted the consequences of her actions, which would be his hate and anger for the rest of her life.
"That all you got?" he demanded harshly. He'd heard this point before and he was not going to let her get away with leaving it at that.
"What more do you want?" she snapped back looking him in the eye.
They stared at eachother, the silence churning with their taut and haunting silence. One word could break it; one word could take it up a notch.
"All of it," he answered in a hard voice laced with steel and anger. Give it to me all; make me want to hate you. Watch me shock the bloody hell out of you luv, he thought with a smugness he hadn't felt in years.
He knew he was going to win.
Buffy cocked her head, smiled slightly, her eyes cool, calculating.
"All of it?" she echoed. She hadn't counted on this, and it surprised her. By now he was usually up in arms, yelling insults, generally being hell of two legs.
He nodded.
"You'd never know it but you my dear sweet husband trust entirely too easily," she murmured. "Me, Angel, and Dru. Three people you thought you could trust, three people who betrayed you. No, don't shake your head. You might like to pretend Dru was some sort of crazed angel fallen from heaven but she was just like if not worse than me Spike."
Spike let his eyes flicker to hers then drift down her face. Lingered on her mouth, before he lifted his hands and fisted them in her hair.
Hearing Dru's name brought a pang of sadness; now that she was dead he would miss her. But what got him was how Buffy mentioned her. This was a new one.
"Really?' he asked as he settled his mouth over hers in a small fleeting kiss, that lasted far too short as he settled on her neck. "Dru too huh?" He shouldn't be surprised considering what he knew Dru was capable of.
"Dru too," Buffy answered hissing in a breath as he bit down lightly, letting his teeth scrape against her neck. "I had you in the palm of my hand and you thought it was love. I knew I was good but not until you, did I know I was the best. William the Bloody in all his glory. One of the most feared of men and brought down by a woman," she taunted as she fisted her hands in his t-shirt and began to tug it up.
Spike lifted his head long enough to raise his arms and draw the shirt off, he tossed it aside.
"Not just any woman," he muttered as attacked her mouth sweeping his tongue into her mouth, crushing her to him. She wouldn't have married him if she hadn't cared, he reminded himself. Hadn't loved him.
Buffy pulled back to breathe in much needed air.
"True. I could have taken you in that first morning in London, but I figured why not draw it out. Make you suffer first. It's always better when they suffer. You know what I was thinking when we got married?" she asked conversationally as she ran her hands up and over the smooth expanse of his chest, let her nails scrape down his sides, she lowered her head, the tip of her tongue flicking out to tease a nipple.
Groaning Spike shook his head to clear it. This game was beginning to get just a little out of hand.
"What?" he managed to ask between kisses, as he palmed her bottom brought her up against his arousal, ground his hips into hers.
Tit for tat.
"I was thinking I had to in all honesty have been the stupidest woman on the planet to be marrying you," Buffy hitched out on a long moan.
He tugged her up so their eyes could meet and he shook his head sadly.
"Don't you mean for loving me?" he asked quietly cutting the game off at the knees; he wanted to see the truth in her eyes. Wanted her to see the truth in his eyes.
Buffy gave a small shrug and an even sadder smile. Why pretend? She thought he knew how she had felt about him; she hadn't made it a secret. And at times she thought with a cringe, she'd flaunted it.
"That too. Let's not forget that," she muttered in a self deprecating voice.
Spike was caught between laughing and screaming, he knew she loved him, had loved him even then and to hear her-he shook his head not liking where his thoughts were headed.
Buffy wondered briefly what he was thinking before she gave a mental shrug, she didn't care, and besides he had wanted her to tell him this.
He had wanted to know.
Her hands curled into his hair bringing his mouth even with hers and she kissed him, winding her arms around his neck as she did so, pressing ever closer. She was tired of talking; all she wanted was to forget for just a little while.
Spike let her kiss him again and again, eyes closed his emotions threatening to overwhelm. This woman, he thought frustrated as he clenched his hands in her hair tight enough he knew it had to hurt. This woman was the one thing he couldn't destroy no matter how much he tried; no matter how much he wanted to hate her.
She was inside of him, and it terrified him the power she still had over him. But not as much as it had, years ago. Wes had been instrumental in this as well. It was okay to be scared, he knew that now, and could now emphasize with Buffy on that, she had to be scared too.
Terrified.
Bitch, he thought amusedly with a laughing growl as her hands yanked at his hair in retaliation against him.
He finally allowed himself to kiss her back, ferociously, with all his pent up feelings of love and lust.
"I hated you," he muttered trailing kisses down her throat.
"I know," Buffy responded wrapping her legs around his waist.
"Yeah?" he asked as his hands skimmed underneath her shirt, cupped her breasts and it was quick work as he unfastened her bra, and with one hand began to tug her shirt off.
"Yeah," Buffy mumbled as she trailed lazy kisses down his chest.
Stumbling he pressed her against the wall, finally getting her shirt off with her help.
"Wanted you dead, you ruined me Buffy," he whispered hoarsely as he brushed his cheek against hers.
Buffy swallowed past the lump that rose suddenly in her throat.
"I'm sorry," she mumbled, truly meaning it. She was sorry for so many things, everything.
"S'okay," he mumbled as he took her in, tried to think coherently. And he was slowly coming to the conclusion that she had only done what she had too, what he would have done in her position. He had to tell her, had to make her understand. "You...you..." he trailed off distracted. He had an infinite amount of fascination for her chest.
Her perky little breast, those rosy nipples, she was just right. Perfect. Beautiful.
Because his eyes had a mind of their own and kept being drawn to her breasts, he gave in abruptly, lowered his head and took her in his mouth.
"Harder," Buffy gasped out moaning as his gentle teasing turned to little bites, her hands clenched repeatedly in his short locks. Her head fell back against the wall, her breathing harsh and shallow.
Then Spike was moving, whirling her away from the wall to the softness of his bed, her thighs parted as he stretched out on top of her.
"I used to dream about this," he told her as he kissed, touched, and explored.
"Sex?" she gasped out against the sensations he was causing.
His grin was wolfish as he flashed it at her.
"That too. You and me pet. Just being together," he whispered softly. "You've ruined me for anyone else," he muttered brushing his mouth against hers.
"Don't say that," she pleaded as she stared into his eyes, saw the truth of his words and closed her eyes against it, blindly reaching out to him. "No more words please," she whispered desperately. "No more talking!"
And for a while there was no more talking as he tugged at her jeans and made her writhe against the sheets, calling out his name, clutching at his shoulders.
He loved it.
He loved her.
And he wanted to tell her, that he understood, that he loved her.
But she was kissing him, touching him...
Her hips were moving and he was inside her and then he couldn't speak as his moan of pleasure blended with her own.
"God, Spike," Buffy said as he pushed deeper inside of her, kissing him, anchoring him to her she wrapped her legs around his waist.
"I know you think I don't know how to change," Spike found himself saying as he moved slowly within her.
"Shut up," she muttered hips rising to meet his.
"And you were right," he cut right over her, "I didn't, not then. But I've learned how Buffy. Do you hear me? I've learned how..."
Buffy wanted to tune him out, she didn't want to hear him, hear his words, she wanted him to shut up and let this be what it was.
Just sex.
But that wasn't enough for him.
"I love you. I do, ah please, luv don't cry..."
He reached out took her hands from her ears and kissed away the tears that had begun to silently fall.
"I love you and I know you think I don't know what I'm talkin' about but I do and-"
"I can't-stop-would you just-"she couldn't even speak, his words washing over her like hot coals. She knew he meant to soothe, to ease her fears, yet it did neither.
"I can love enough for the both of us. I'll shut m'gob now," he assured her as he kissed her long and slow, feeling as if a weight had been lifted off him.
But for Buffy as she let herself get swept back up it felt as if a world of guilt and pain had suddenly settled over her.
~*~
Anya stepped reluctantly into the house, ears alert for any sounds of sex from the nearby rooms.
Faith rudely brushed past her and glared around at the empty room.
"I guess they're still at it," she muttered dropping onto the couch.
Anya hesitated in the doorway of the livingroom and tilted her head back as she contemplated the ceiling.
"Probably. This is why I'm asking once again why we are here Faith! Buffy'll need-"
"Buffy will need us, I would have brought Willow too but she's busy with Tara. I know he's going to upset her. He's a disease that will destroy- "
"Why do you hate him so much? You seem more upset than Buffy does! Don't you find that odd? I mean unless you have feelings for him? Do you? I guess it wouldn't be hard to understand because he's gorgeous, once you get past the bleached hair, those-"
"I'm not in love with Spike! For Gods sake Anya! You weren't around when all this shit went down! You didn't see her when she lost the-"Faith broke off coming back to herself realizing she was getting ahead of herself. It wasn't her place to explain this to Anya.
"What?" Anya demanded. "What were you going to say! I'm sick of this, I get that Buffy loved Spike and he loved her and blah, blah, blah, he went to prison! Now I want to know why he can't get over it and why Buffy doesn't want him to. If I had a man like Spike knockin' on my door I sure as hell wouldn't push him away!"
Faith blew out a breath and sighed. She shouldn't have brought this up, because now Anya was curious and she never left anything alone.
"You wouldn't understand-"
"Why not? I'm not stupid-"
"Leave it alone! We're here to be supportive, so if you can't be then leave," Faith snapped glaring at Anya closing the subject as she clenched her jaw shut.
Anya gave a huff and joined Faith on the couch, intent on offering a shoulder to Buffy if need be, but not quite understanding what the fuss was about.
~*~
"Where're you goin'?" Spike's sleep slurred voice reached out and made Buffy stop in the middle of reaching for the doorknob.
Buffy steeled herself and kept her face averted as she spoke as calmly as she could.
"I need to take a shower. There are things I need to take care of," she muttered.
Spike sat up in bed the sheet that covered him pooling into his lap as he stretched his arms above his head and yawned.
"Can't even look me in the eyes when you say that?" he asked curiously as he eyed her back and willed her to look at him.
Buffy turned and looked him in the eyes.
"This was a mistake," she announced, gesturing to the bed, then to herself. "In fact it should never have happened. Because now you think I feel something for you, something I'm sure you think is more than what it actually is."
Spike eyed her and then found his lips curving upward.
"Those should be my words," he muttered testing the water so to speak. She wasn't going to be very receptive he knew. "I should be the one disgusted and full of regret Buffy but I'm not and you know why? Because I love you."
"So you say. Excuse me for my disbelief Spike. I mean you hate me one minute and now you're spouting off that you love me the next. I don't understand that. You've made it your mission to destroy me and now I am supposed to believe all of those feelings have disappeared and all that's left is love?" She shook her head, not understanding his logic or what he was trying to make her believe.
"I know Buffy that I've treated you bad in the past and that I wasn't very receptive to your explanations. Despite what you think this hasn't been a sudden phenomenon. It's been a slow and long process. Just ask Wes. I mean that's why you suggested he take me on as a patient wasn't it? To get me to realize I needed to change."
Buffy's eyes widened at that.
"Who told you that?" she demanded. Then gave a groan. "You know for a shrink he really does have a big mouth and so does his wife! I didn't suggest that Wes take you on as a patient. I just-listen obviously back then you were really-"
"Disturbed?" Spike suggested with a sheepish grin. "You can say it and in hindsight I can appreciate having Wes on my side then. Cuz I don't think I would have been able to-I don't want to talk about him, okay? What I want to talk to you about is that with his help I've come to a few conclusions-"
Buffy turned to the door again.
"Good for you, if you'll excuse me," she began quietly.
"That's it?" he demanded angrily rising to his feet. "Look at me! That is all I get from you Buffy?! 'Good for you!' Well fuck me if I did all this just for the hell of it! Cuz you know what? I was fine being the way I was!"
"Then you shouldn't have changed! I never asked-"
"Never asked me?!" he echoed loudly scrubbing a rough hand over his face and forcing a bitter laugh out.
Buffy turned again glared at him before she spoke again, in a clipped cold voice. "I never asked you to change. I never asked you to change for me. And if you have then I don't know what to tell you."
Spike growled, more frustrated with her than he had ever been.
"I knew you would think that. Think that I haven't changed, that I didn't hear what you've tellin' me over and over until it was branded in my skull you bloody crazy woman! Never asked me to change?! Every time you told me you were sorry, every time you told me you loved me was asking me to change Buffy!"
"It's too late," she screamed stalking toward him, shoving him. "You think you can just drop this on me and I'll drop at your feet in thanks! Jump for joy and give thanks to the Lord above that you've deigned to love me? Well I won't! You and I are finished here Spike. I've got nothing left to give and your love is too late."
He gripped her by her shoulders and shook her a little.
"You shut your mouth. It's never too late. Never! Until we're both dead and buried pet! Now here are the facts: I love you and you love me. Right now you're scared and that's fine, understandable and I will help you get over it. Second the past is exactly that. The past. I've forgiven you. Can you forgive me? I-"he had to break off as he saw her face.
She looked stunned, sickened. She couldn't even look at him as she made a choking noise and gripped her stomach.
"Buffy..."
She shook her head, once, twice, turning reaching for the door and blindly opening it. She stepped out, leaned against the wall and gave a shuddering breath before voices from downstairs alerted her she wasn't alone. She had to get a grip, she told herself forcefully.
She pushed off the door and headed for the bathroom, she had the strong urge to be sick.
His words echoed incessantly through her head, around and around.
I love you. I forgive you.
~*~
Slowly Buffy made her way down the stairs and wasn't surprised to see Faith and Anya lounging around in the livingroom.
"Nice of you to join us," Faith said with a tight smile.
Buffy ran a hand through her hair and blew out an impatient breath.
"Don't start," she snapped.
"Who me?" Faith asked looking around then laughed as she raised her hands in defense. "What can I say that will make you understand-"
"Shut up Faith," Anya snapped as she watched Buffy through narrowed eyes. It seemed Faith had forgotten her intentions. Anya had seen the way Buffy had come down the stairs, seen the look on her face and knew Buffy would not be up to a round of Faith's barbed comments. So she took it upon herself to be that shoulder for Buffy.
Faith shot her a glare.
"What?" she asked as she glared at Buffy and Anya.
"Can't you see Buffy doesn't look up to it? Give her a break will you? Are you okay Buffy?" Anya asked in concern.
Buffy lowered her head and mumbled.
"He said he loves me, forgives me," she mumbled.
"And that's a bad thing?" Anya asked uncomprehendingly.
"Yes," Buffy answered slowly. "It's a very bad thing. Isn't it Faith?"
Faith shook her head and then gave a half hearted shrug.
"It's a bitch B. A real bitch, cuz now that he's got a piece of you he is never gonna let you go," she muttered darkly glaring up at the stairs.
"I gotta get out of here," Buffy muttered as she moved.
"I'll come wi-"Faith began.
"No Faith," Buffy held up a hand and waved her away. "Anya will come with me," she ordered.
Anya hesitated looking at Faith.
"Where are we going?" Anya finally asked.
"We're going to see a few faces from my past and you and I are going to have that talk. I'll be in touch Faith."
Faith watched as Anya scurried after Buffy and they left the house together. She was slightly antsy as she debated whether or not to do what she was thinking about doing.
Knowing damn well B would kill her if she found out.
But Faith was past caring at the moment.
Buffy obviously wasn't using her head right now, because if she had she would never have fallen into bed with Spike and given him power over her once again.
Getting up she made her way up the stairs, anger spurning her on as she paused at Spike's door and asked herself if she really wanted to do this.
But then she thought about what Buffy had gone through because of Spike, how he'd treated her. How he didn't deserve her.
She opened the door and stepped in.
Found Spike in the process of tugging on his jeans.
"Get out," he ordered.
"I've got something to tell you," she spat out coldly.
"Gonna tell me like it is huh?" he asked mockingly as he finished pulling on his jeans.
"Gonna teach you a lesson," Faith announced.
"Gonna school me good Faith? The way you get up in arms about Buffy I'd think you were leanin' the other way. You in love with my wife?" he asked laughingly.
Faith laughed too. A bitter, barking noise erupting from her throat.
"She says you're in love with her," she said then laughing still. "But you and I know better don't we? You don't love her, hell you don't even like her. Let's not forget you William the Bloody never forgive-"
He moved swiftly, with the stealth of an animal, his eyes blazed with a blue fury as he wrapped one hand around her neck.
"Don't presume to think you know me little girl. You know nothing about me or what Buffy and I have!"
A smirk formed on her lush lips.
"Is this your protective side? You think I don't care about Buffy? That I don't know you'll hurt her? I know what you're capable of and I'll be damned if I'll stand by and watch you destroy her again! I won't let you!"
He shoved her away from him in disgust.
"I'm not going too! Why can't you understand that you bloody bint?! I love her and I'd never knowingly hurt her."
Spike prowled the room, as restless energy leapt off him and he tried to keep his volatile emotions in check. It wouldn't do to lash out at the chit. She obviously wanted to put him in his place and who was he to deny her the pleasure?
"You say you don't want to hurt her and I think you believe that but you don't understand the power you hold over her. The things she's done."
He whirled to face her, his face working through all of the emotions rolling around inside of him.
"Then why don't you explain them to me Faith. Tell me what Buffy can't seem to make herself say. Tell me!"
Faith opened her mouth and the words started spilling out, one after another until she was in the middle of telling Buffy's secrets.
~*~
A/N: Next chapter is a flashback one. Hope you enjoyed.
Disclaimer: Joss owns all.
A/N: Hi all. Nothing much to say here except that I've uploaded chapters 5- 11 over at Spuffy Archives and Flames said they should be up today or tomorrow. Once again thanks for the reviews. I'm glad everyone's still enjoying this story.
~*~
Ch:16
Buffy realized something was wrong when Spike placed her on his bed and caught her wrists in one hand as he straddled her.
She frowned up at him, displeasure shining brightly in her green eyes.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
Spike smiled as he lifted his free hand to brush a few errant strands of hair away from her face.
"I was thinking," he began.
Buffy groaned and shook her head.
"I don't want to talk Spike," she protested trying to free her hands and when that didn't work she raised herself up and nipped at his jaw. "We've got better things to do than talk."
"I was thinking," he continued," about you-"he paused unsure of whether to continue or not.
"Me?" Buffy asked in surprise. "Just now or something? If all you're going to do is talk then get off me," she muttered.
"I need to talk to you Buffy," he said then, trying to convey his seriousness as he gazed into her eyes. His grip tightened on her wrists as she looked away and gave a shrug.
"Go ahead. But let me up first," Buffy snapped tugging at her wrists.
Spike released her and rolled off her rising to his feet.
"It's time we stopped these games," he muttered running a hand over his face and sighing. He hadn't thought it would be this hard to talk to her.
He guessed he should have known better. Buffy wasn't going to make this easy for him, and he was certain it was going to be hard.
"What games?" Buffy asked looking around as she too stood from the bed. "I'm not playing games with you Spike. I stopped playing games years ago. So who's playing games? It's not me!"
"Then I guess I had better stop with the games then luv because it's not working! Period. I'll admit it I've played this game you started to the end and I'm worse off because of it. See I thought it could be enough, me hatin' you and wanting you dead. That I could live with it if I killed you. That was my thinking but I was wrong. I'll never be able to do it Buffy. I just realized you and I are..."
Buffy heard him talking, saw his mouth move, but the words, she couldn't for the life of her decipher them and in the back of her mind she knew this was important. Not only to her but to Spike.
But she couldn't listen to this.
Wouldn't.
She wasn't going to let herself hope and have it ruined; she'd been there, done that and never wanted to go down that road again.
She believed Spike truly thought he might be able to get over what had transpired between them and move on from it but she knew him and it was never going to work. Never. It would always be there between them.
Shaking her head she shoved back the hope that had slowly bloomed and looked down at her hands, which were clenched tightly together.
How was she going to do this? Make him understand? They'd been through this and nothing had changed.
"Stop," she cut him off sharply.
Spike closed his mouth and stared at Buffy as she lifted her hands, palm forward as if to ward off blows.
He knew then what she was going to say, and frankly he didn't want to hear it. She wasn't understanding him.
"Stop talking like you can forget about all that's happened Spike. Because we both know it's not true. And what brought this on anyway? I know -"
"You know nothing," he suddenly snarled stalking towards her. "You think you know me Buffy? But you don't. Have you seen inside of me and found the soul of darkness, someone not even willing to try? Well let me tell you-"
"I don't know you? Spike, Spike," she shook her head on the verge of laughing, she knew him better than he knew himself, "I took you down. I put you in prison and played you, for everything you had honey. Don't tell me I don't know you because I do!"
"Played?" he breathed angrily glaring at her. He couldn't believe she was saying this to him! Talking about him as if it had been nothing more than a job to her when he knew damn well it had far exceeded that.
He had only to think about Wes.
She hadn't needed to put Wes in touch with him, hadn't needed to give him the sounding board he had needed back then.
But she had and this wasn't going the way he had imagined it would.
"Yes," Buffy replied with a smug smile, her hands on her hips. Why did he want to get into this now? She thought angrily. Things had been fine until he'd opened his mouth about wanting to talk to her. She could not imagine what he needed to say to her that hadn't already been said before.
She watched him as he took in her words, knew he wouldn't be able to let it go, he was just like that. He didn't like the fact that she could be so nonchalant about his life, about destroying it.
Not that she was but appearances meant everything and right now she was in her element. She would let him have it all. Then she'd see how he could handle it.
"You didn't play me," he contradicted her coldly; trying to focus on what he was trying to accomplish here.
"I didn't?" Buffy purred out as she circled him, crossing her arms above her breasts. She pursed her lips as her eyes traveled over him. "Sorry to burst your bubble but I did. And you know what?"
Spike clenched his jaw, so hard he felt a headache forming as he glared at her. He knew she was baiting him, but he couldn't resist it. She didn't mean the words she was saying, he told himself as he found himself speaking. She just wasn't willing to try any more and who could blame her?
He didn't. But what she wasn't hearing was that he was willing, more than willing, that he'd spent the past year working on himself. Talking to Wes everyday to get to this point.
"What?" he growled.
"It was easy," she whispered reaching up and cupping his face in her hands.
Spike stiffened despite himself. Easy, he thought stunned. Grrr argh! She was making this hard, he thought with a growl. Hard and damn her he wasn't going to take this sitting down.
"Easy?" he echoed incredulously.
"Easy," Buffy agreed nodding her head, released him.
He snagged her by the waist and brought her to him, grinned a feral grin and dipped his head until his lips were even with her ear.
"It almost worked," he whispered. Take that, he thought. Indeed it had almost worked, made him angry and irrational.
"Almost? I'll say it did. I had you the minute I spoke, remembering, hating me and you know what you can talk all you want about forgetting and moving on but if it's that easy to bring it all back it will never work."
It was a point she was tired of hammering into him, it was obvious to her that he wasn't ready, would maybe never be ready to move on with his life, especially with her in it. He was never going to change and why should he? She had known what she'd been doing and had accepted the consequences of her actions, which would be his hate and anger for the rest of her life.
"That all you got?" he demanded harshly. He'd heard this point before and he was not going to let her get away with leaving it at that.
"What more do you want?" she snapped back looking him in the eye.
They stared at eachother, the silence churning with their taut and haunting silence. One word could break it; one word could take it up a notch.
"All of it," he answered in a hard voice laced with steel and anger. Give it to me all; make me want to hate you. Watch me shock the bloody hell out of you luv, he thought with a smugness he hadn't felt in years.
He knew he was going to win.
Buffy cocked her head, smiled slightly, her eyes cool, calculating.
"All of it?" she echoed. She hadn't counted on this, and it surprised her. By now he was usually up in arms, yelling insults, generally being hell of two legs.
He nodded.
"You'd never know it but you my dear sweet husband trust entirely too easily," she murmured. "Me, Angel, and Dru. Three people you thought you could trust, three people who betrayed you. No, don't shake your head. You might like to pretend Dru was some sort of crazed angel fallen from heaven but she was just like if not worse than me Spike."
Spike let his eyes flicker to hers then drift down her face. Lingered on her mouth, before he lifted his hands and fisted them in her hair.
Hearing Dru's name brought a pang of sadness; now that she was dead he would miss her. But what got him was how Buffy mentioned her. This was a new one.
"Really?' he asked as he settled his mouth over hers in a small fleeting kiss, that lasted far too short as he settled on her neck. "Dru too huh?" He shouldn't be surprised considering what he knew Dru was capable of.
"Dru too," Buffy answered hissing in a breath as he bit down lightly, letting his teeth scrape against her neck. "I had you in the palm of my hand and you thought it was love. I knew I was good but not until you, did I know I was the best. William the Bloody in all his glory. One of the most feared of men and brought down by a woman," she taunted as she fisted her hands in his t-shirt and began to tug it up.
Spike lifted his head long enough to raise his arms and draw the shirt off, he tossed it aside.
"Not just any woman," he muttered as attacked her mouth sweeping his tongue into her mouth, crushing her to him. She wouldn't have married him if she hadn't cared, he reminded himself. Hadn't loved him.
Buffy pulled back to breathe in much needed air.
"True. I could have taken you in that first morning in London, but I figured why not draw it out. Make you suffer first. It's always better when they suffer. You know what I was thinking when we got married?" she asked conversationally as she ran her hands up and over the smooth expanse of his chest, let her nails scrape down his sides, she lowered her head, the tip of her tongue flicking out to tease a nipple.
Groaning Spike shook his head to clear it. This game was beginning to get just a little out of hand.
"What?" he managed to ask between kisses, as he palmed her bottom brought her up against his arousal, ground his hips into hers.
Tit for tat.
"I was thinking I had to in all honesty have been the stupidest woman on the planet to be marrying you," Buffy hitched out on a long moan.
He tugged her up so their eyes could meet and he shook his head sadly.
"Don't you mean for loving me?" he asked quietly cutting the game off at the knees; he wanted to see the truth in her eyes. Wanted her to see the truth in his eyes.
Buffy gave a small shrug and an even sadder smile. Why pretend? She thought he knew how she had felt about him; she hadn't made it a secret. And at times she thought with a cringe, she'd flaunted it.
"That too. Let's not forget that," she muttered in a self deprecating voice.
Spike was caught between laughing and screaming, he knew she loved him, had loved him even then and to hear her-he shook his head not liking where his thoughts were headed.
Buffy wondered briefly what he was thinking before she gave a mental shrug, she didn't care, and besides he had wanted her to tell him this.
He had wanted to know.
Her hands curled into his hair bringing his mouth even with hers and she kissed him, winding her arms around his neck as she did so, pressing ever closer. She was tired of talking; all she wanted was to forget for just a little while.
Spike let her kiss him again and again, eyes closed his emotions threatening to overwhelm. This woman, he thought frustrated as he clenched his hands in her hair tight enough he knew it had to hurt. This woman was the one thing he couldn't destroy no matter how much he tried; no matter how much he wanted to hate her.
She was inside of him, and it terrified him the power she still had over him. But not as much as it had, years ago. Wes had been instrumental in this as well. It was okay to be scared, he knew that now, and could now emphasize with Buffy on that, she had to be scared too.
Terrified.
Bitch, he thought amusedly with a laughing growl as her hands yanked at his hair in retaliation against him.
He finally allowed himself to kiss her back, ferociously, with all his pent up feelings of love and lust.
"I hated you," he muttered trailing kisses down her throat.
"I know," Buffy responded wrapping her legs around his waist.
"Yeah?" he asked as his hands skimmed underneath her shirt, cupped her breasts and it was quick work as he unfastened her bra, and with one hand began to tug her shirt off.
"Yeah," Buffy mumbled as she trailed lazy kisses down his chest.
Stumbling he pressed her against the wall, finally getting her shirt off with her help.
"Wanted you dead, you ruined me Buffy," he whispered hoarsely as he brushed his cheek against hers.
Buffy swallowed past the lump that rose suddenly in her throat.
"I'm sorry," she mumbled, truly meaning it. She was sorry for so many things, everything.
"S'okay," he mumbled as he took her in, tried to think coherently. And he was slowly coming to the conclusion that she had only done what she had too, what he would have done in her position. He had to tell her, had to make her understand. "You...you..." he trailed off distracted. He had an infinite amount of fascination for her chest.
Her perky little breast, those rosy nipples, she was just right. Perfect. Beautiful.
Because his eyes had a mind of their own and kept being drawn to her breasts, he gave in abruptly, lowered his head and took her in his mouth.
"Harder," Buffy gasped out moaning as his gentle teasing turned to little bites, her hands clenched repeatedly in his short locks. Her head fell back against the wall, her breathing harsh and shallow.
Then Spike was moving, whirling her away from the wall to the softness of his bed, her thighs parted as he stretched out on top of her.
"I used to dream about this," he told her as he kissed, touched, and explored.
"Sex?" she gasped out against the sensations he was causing.
His grin was wolfish as he flashed it at her.
"That too. You and me pet. Just being together," he whispered softly. "You've ruined me for anyone else," he muttered brushing his mouth against hers.
"Don't say that," she pleaded as she stared into his eyes, saw the truth of his words and closed her eyes against it, blindly reaching out to him. "No more words please," she whispered desperately. "No more talking!"
And for a while there was no more talking as he tugged at her jeans and made her writhe against the sheets, calling out his name, clutching at his shoulders.
He loved it.
He loved her.
And he wanted to tell her, that he understood, that he loved her.
But she was kissing him, touching him...
Her hips were moving and he was inside her and then he couldn't speak as his moan of pleasure blended with her own.
"God, Spike," Buffy said as he pushed deeper inside of her, kissing him, anchoring him to her she wrapped her legs around his waist.
"I know you think I don't know how to change," Spike found himself saying as he moved slowly within her.
"Shut up," she muttered hips rising to meet his.
"And you were right," he cut right over her, "I didn't, not then. But I've learned how Buffy. Do you hear me? I've learned how..."
Buffy wanted to tune him out, she didn't want to hear him, hear his words, she wanted him to shut up and let this be what it was.
Just sex.
But that wasn't enough for him.
"I love you. I do, ah please, luv don't cry..."
He reached out took her hands from her ears and kissed away the tears that had begun to silently fall.
"I love you and I know you think I don't know what I'm talkin' about but I do and-"
"I can't-stop-would you just-"she couldn't even speak, his words washing over her like hot coals. She knew he meant to soothe, to ease her fears, yet it did neither.
"I can love enough for the both of us. I'll shut m'gob now," he assured her as he kissed her long and slow, feeling as if a weight had been lifted off him.
But for Buffy as she let herself get swept back up it felt as if a world of guilt and pain had suddenly settled over her.
~*~
Anya stepped reluctantly into the house, ears alert for any sounds of sex from the nearby rooms.
Faith rudely brushed past her and glared around at the empty room.
"I guess they're still at it," she muttered dropping onto the couch.
Anya hesitated in the doorway of the livingroom and tilted her head back as she contemplated the ceiling.
"Probably. This is why I'm asking once again why we are here Faith! Buffy'll need-"
"Buffy will need us, I would have brought Willow too but she's busy with Tara. I know he's going to upset her. He's a disease that will destroy- "
"Why do you hate him so much? You seem more upset than Buffy does! Don't you find that odd? I mean unless you have feelings for him? Do you? I guess it wouldn't be hard to understand because he's gorgeous, once you get past the bleached hair, those-"
"I'm not in love with Spike! For Gods sake Anya! You weren't around when all this shit went down! You didn't see her when she lost the-"Faith broke off coming back to herself realizing she was getting ahead of herself. It wasn't her place to explain this to Anya.
"What?" Anya demanded. "What were you going to say! I'm sick of this, I get that Buffy loved Spike and he loved her and blah, blah, blah, he went to prison! Now I want to know why he can't get over it and why Buffy doesn't want him to. If I had a man like Spike knockin' on my door I sure as hell wouldn't push him away!"
Faith blew out a breath and sighed. She shouldn't have brought this up, because now Anya was curious and she never left anything alone.
"You wouldn't understand-"
"Why not? I'm not stupid-"
"Leave it alone! We're here to be supportive, so if you can't be then leave," Faith snapped glaring at Anya closing the subject as she clenched her jaw shut.
Anya gave a huff and joined Faith on the couch, intent on offering a shoulder to Buffy if need be, but not quite understanding what the fuss was about.
~*~
"Where're you goin'?" Spike's sleep slurred voice reached out and made Buffy stop in the middle of reaching for the doorknob.
Buffy steeled herself and kept her face averted as she spoke as calmly as she could.
"I need to take a shower. There are things I need to take care of," she muttered.
Spike sat up in bed the sheet that covered him pooling into his lap as he stretched his arms above his head and yawned.
"Can't even look me in the eyes when you say that?" he asked curiously as he eyed her back and willed her to look at him.
Buffy turned and looked him in the eyes.
"This was a mistake," she announced, gesturing to the bed, then to herself. "In fact it should never have happened. Because now you think I feel something for you, something I'm sure you think is more than what it actually is."
Spike eyed her and then found his lips curving upward.
"Those should be my words," he muttered testing the water so to speak. She wasn't going to be very receptive he knew. "I should be the one disgusted and full of regret Buffy but I'm not and you know why? Because I love you."
"So you say. Excuse me for my disbelief Spike. I mean you hate me one minute and now you're spouting off that you love me the next. I don't understand that. You've made it your mission to destroy me and now I am supposed to believe all of those feelings have disappeared and all that's left is love?" She shook her head, not understanding his logic or what he was trying to make her believe.
"I know Buffy that I've treated you bad in the past and that I wasn't very receptive to your explanations. Despite what you think this hasn't been a sudden phenomenon. It's been a slow and long process. Just ask Wes. I mean that's why you suggested he take me on as a patient wasn't it? To get me to realize I needed to change."
Buffy's eyes widened at that.
"Who told you that?" she demanded. Then gave a groan. "You know for a shrink he really does have a big mouth and so does his wife! I didn't suggest that Wes take you on as a patient. I just-listen obviously back then you were really-"
"Disturbed?" Spike suggested with a sheepish grin. "You can say it and in hindsight I can appreciate having Wes on my side then. Cuz I don't think I would have been able to-I don't want to talk about him, okay? What I want to talk to you about is that with his help I've come to a few conclusions-"
Buffy turned to the door again.
"Good for you, if you'll excuse me," she began quietly.
"That's it?" he demanded angrily rising to his feet. "Look at me! That is all I get from you Buffy?! 'Good for you!' Well fuck me if I did all this just for the hell of it! Cuz you know what? I was fine being the way I was!"
"Then you shouldn't have changed! I never asked-"
"Never asked me?!" he echoed loudly scrubbing a rough hand over his face and forcing a bitter laugh out.
Buffy turned again glared at him before she spoke again, in a clipped cold voice. "I never asked you to change. I never asked you to change for me. And if you have then I don't know what to tell you."
Spike growled, more frustrated with her than he had ever been.
"I knew you would think that. Think that I haven't changed, that I didn't hear what you've tellin' me over and over until it was branded in my skull you bloody crazy woman! Never asked me to change?! Every time you told me you were sorry, every time you told me you loved me was asking me to change Buffy!"
"It's too late," she screamed stalking toward him, shoving him. "You think you can just drop this on me and I'll drop at your feet in thanks! Jump for joy and give thanks to the Lord above that you've deigned to love me? Well I won't! You and I are finished here Spike. I've got nothing left to give and your love is too late."
He gripped her by her shoulders and shook her a little.
"You shut your mouth. It's never too late. Never! Until we're both dead and buried pet! Now here are the facts: I love you and you love me. Right now you're scared and that's fine, understandable and I will help you get over it. Second the past is exactly that. The past. I've forgiven you. Can you forgive me? I-"he had to break off as he saw her face.
She looked stunned, sickened. She couldn't even look at him as she made a choking noise and gripped her stomach.
"Buffy..."
She shook her head, once, twice, turning reaching for the door and blindly opening it. She stepped out, leaned against the wall and gave a shuddering breath before voices from downstairs alerted her she wasn't alone. She had to get a grip, she told herself forcefully.
She pushed off the door and headed for the bathroom, she had the strong urge to be sick.
His words echoed incessantly through her head, around and around.
I love you. I forgive you.
~*~
Slowly Buffy made her way down the stairs and wasn't surprised to see Faith and Anya lounging around in the livingroom.
"Nice of you to join us," Faith said with a tight smile.
Buffy ran a hand through her hair and blew out an impatient breath.
"Don't start," she snapped.
"Who me?" Faith asked looking around then laughed as she raised her hands in defense. "What can I say that will make you understand-"
"Shut up Faith," Anya snapped as she watched Buffy through narrowed eyes. It seemed Faith had forgotten her intentions. Anya had seen the way Buffy had come down the stairs, seen the look on her face and knew Buffy would not be up to a round of Faith's barbed comments. So she took it upon herself to be that shoulder for Buffy.
Faith shot her a glare.
"What?" she asked as she glared at Buffy and Anya.
"Can't you see Buffy doesn't look up to it? Give her a break will you? Are you okay Buffy?" Anya asked in concern.
Buffy lowered her head and mumbled.
"He said he loves me, forgives me," she mumbled.
"And that's a bad thing?" Anya asked uncomprehendingly.
"Yes," Buffy answered slowly. "It's a very bad thing. Isn't it Faith?"
Faith shook her head and then gave a half hearted shrug.
"It's a bitch B. A real bitch, cuz now that he's got a piece of you he is never gonna let you go," she muttered darkly glaring up at the stairs.
"I gotta get out of here," Buffy muttered as she moved.
"I'll come wi-"Faith began.
"No Faith," Buffy held up a hand and waved her away. "Anya will come with me," she ordered.
Anya hesitated looking at Faith.
"Where are we going?" Anya finally asked.
"We're going to see a few faces from my past and you and I are going to have that talk. I'll be in touch Faith."
Faith watched as Anya scurried after Buffy and they left the house together. She was slightly antsy as she debated whether or not to do what she was thinking about doing.
Knowing damn well B would kill her if she found out.
But Faith was past caring at the moment.
Buffy obviously wasn't using her head right now, because if she had she would never have fallen into bed with Spike and given him power over her once again.
Getting up she made her way up the stairs, anger spurning her on as she paused at Spike's door and asked herself if she really wanted to do this.
But then she thought about what Buffy had gone through because of Spike, how he'd treated her. How he didn't deserve her.
She opened the door and stepped in.
Found Spike in the process of tugging on his jeans.
"Get out," he ordered.
"I've got something to tell you," she spat out coldly.
"Gonna tell me like it is huh?" he asked mockingly as he finished pulling on his jeans.
"Gonna teach you a lesson," Faith announced.
"Gonna school me good Faith? The way you get up in arms about Buffy I'd think you were leanin' the other way. You in love with my wife?" he asked laughingly.
Faith laughed too. A bitter, barking noise erupting from her throat.
"She says you're in love with her," she said then laughing still. "But you and I know better don't we? You don't love her, hell you don't even like her. Let's not forget you William the Bloody never forgive-"
He moved swiftly, with the stealth of an animal, his eyes blazed with a blue fury as he wrapped one hand around her neck.
"Don't presume to think you know me little girl. You know nothing about me or what Buffy and I have!"
A smirk formed on her lush lips.
"Is this your protective side? You think I don't care about Buffy? That I don't know you'll hurt her? I know what you're capable of and I'll be damned if I'll stand by and watch you destroy her again! I won't let you!"
He shoved her away from him in disgust.
"I'm not going too! Why can't you understand that you bloody bint?! I love her and I'd never knowingly hurt her."
Spike prowled the room, as restless energy leapt off him and he tried to keep his volatile emotions in check. It wouldn't do to lash out at the chit. She obviously wanted to put him in his place and who was he to deny her the pleasure?
"You say you don't want to hurt her and I think you believe that but you don't understand the power you hold over her. The things she's done."
He whirled to face her, his face working through all of the emotions rolling around inside of him.
"Then why don't you explain them to me Faith. Tell me what Buffy can't seem to make herself say. Tell me!"
Faith opened her mouth and the words started spilling out, one after another until she was in the middle of telling Buffy's secrets.
~*~
A/N: Next chapter is a flashback one. Hope you enjoyed.