The Fall of William

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon owns Btvs

A/N: Hi all. Okay folks this chapter is second to last. It's told in first person. It's all in Xander's point of view. I really wasn't sure if I should put this in or not but figured what the hell. Tell me if you like it or hate it. Doesn't matter. Next chapter is going to be present and might be the last if I tag on an epilogue. It depends on how long I make it. If it's too long then the epilogue will have its own chapter. The end is near my friends but it's been a great and wild ride! Enjoy. Skyz.

~*~

Ch:23

Flashback…

I am not usually one to do the introspective type thingy. Nope not me. I tend to let things be. Why get involved when your help is not wanted? That's the code I use for everyone but Buffy.

I can't really say why with her everything's different.

Why I can't let her go.

See it's been like that from the first time I ever met Buffy. This was ten years ago at a briefing for something I can't even remember. The only thing about that day that's clear cut to me is Buffy.

She's so beautiful you know?

All that long blonde hair, those gorgeous green eyes…

I'm losing my train of thought as I get caught up in one of my endless fantasies about her. The Slayer all that's good and righteous in the world. It's because of her that I feel I can actually be of some help to this hard and cold world.

That first meeting was fate.

I know it.

I felt it.

And no one can tell me different.

We're meant to be together.

But Buffy just won't admit it, she needs some coaxing from me, she needs me to show her the way.

And I was planning on doing exactly that.

See I'd heard from Anya-

Ah Anya!

See there's another thing that's fated.

Me and Anya.

She's Buffy's personal assistant and has the inside scoop on Buffy.

Anya isn't anything like Buffy. I think that's why I like her…even love her to a certain extent.

She's the exact opposite of Buffy.

Anya's in love with me and you know what? It makes me feel great, to have someone like that feel so strongly about me.

No one ever has. At least not in an 'I love you' type of way. Anya loves me. She really loves me and I love her for loving me.

Does that make sense?

But once Buffy sees what's right in front of her Anya will have to move on. No one compares to Buffy.

No one.

So back to my point Anya knew Buffy was meeting someone at a bar downtown, and I decided to follow her.

Today I had decided was the day Buffy would see the light. It was time for her to understand the depth of my love for her.

I can be inconspicuous when need be. I may not be a super stealth assassin type like Oz or even a military man like Gunn but I've picked up a few things.

I'm sitting in a corner table in the shadows of the small bar, and keeping a look out for Buffy. As usual she's always on time and I see her walk to a table in the back of the room. From my table I can see the entire room clearly.

I order a drink.

I watch her talk to whomever it is she's meeting here.

Daydream a little.

Get lost in thought and suddenly I'm looking over at Buffy, and she's staring at something in the front of the bar, in the doorway.

Spilling a little of my beer I whirl around.

Feel the strong urge to scream as I realize it's Spike.

Bastard!

Fucking rat bastard was here!

Not twenty feet away from Buffy.

I'm so overwhelmed with anger and bitterness I try to take calming breaths. Those don't help at all.

He's walking towards her.

I want to step in, to talk to her, and keep her away from him.

But I'm rooted to the spot, I can't move, I can hardly breathe. Buffy and Spike talk for a few minutes and then they leave!

Together!

And now I'm stunned and furious.

What the hell had just happened? I wonder in confusion. How could I let Buffy, my Buffy go off with that creep?

I can't answer that and glancing at my watch I know a minute more with Spike, and Buffy will fall under his spell again.

It was bad enough she had his child but this…

I struggled to my feet.

Haphazardly place some bills on the table and hurry after the couple.

They're in the elevator. I see them clearly, so clearly I barely resist the strong urge to puke my guts out.

Spike's plastered all over her.

Kissing her.

Touching her.

Whispering in her ear.

I can't believe it!

He's put his spell on her already…

The elevator doors shut closed and I'm too hurt and bewildered to move.

It wasn't Buffy's fault.

Spike was doing it again…

Gritting my teeth I turned and walked back into the bar. Strode right up to the bar and bought a glass of Scotch.

Took a gulp and gagged, blushing when the bartender laughed.

"Bastard," I mumbled glaring at his retreating back. I've never had Scotch before, the only person I know who drinks it is Giles and he seemed to really like it.

So I take another sip and am ready for the sting of it, the disgustingness of it.

I decided I like Scotch and would thank Giles once I saw him again.

I try not to ponder what's going on upstairs knowing if I do things could get ugly. Buffy's just telling him goodbye, I assure myself.

Buffy loves me.

See if I didn't know this I would be devastated by what I'd seen in the elevator. But I know better. So I can let it go.

I drink some more.

Daydream.

Drink some more.

And on it goes until my blurry eyes catch the swift movement of Buffy coming out of the elevator.

She's upset that much I can tell. Though I stumble I hurry after her, occasionally tripping over my feet.

"Buuuuufffy," I called out.

She was halfway to her car when she paused and whirled around.

I smile as I make my way over to her.

She's staring at me.

Happy to see me.

"Xander!" She exclaimed in delight.

She's happy to see me and I'm glad.

"Buffy," I said more calmly as I reach out and grip her arm. "Buffy it's time," I said excitedly already feeling adrenaline rush through my body.

She's confused; her face was scrunched up in that cute little way I love.

She's so cute when she's confused.

She doesn't know what I'm talking about.

So I explained.

"I love you Buffy," I announced grinning. I cupped her face looking her in the eyes. She had to see it was the truth. "Love you so much… Tell me you love me too!"

She's talking now, saying things that aren't true. I ignore them knowing she's just trying to cover up her real want. She wanted me as much as I wanted her.

I want her to stop talking and just feel.

I lean down and kiss her.

It's the best kiss I've ever had!

I kiss her face, her neck. Everywhere I can. She's so pretty, so special. She's meant to be loved and protected.

And I'm the one to give her all she could ever want.

But she's shoving at me, yelling for me to get a hold of myself, and then I'm flying through the air and I land on the ground.

My body hurts and my heads spinning.

I look up and there he is!

He's touching Buffy again. Touching her face, running his hands over her hair, touching what belongs to me!

Mother fucker!

"She's mine," I started to yell as I struggled to my feet. "Mine, get your filthy hands off her you bastard!"

He's just smiling at me, pushing Buffy behind him.

I can't listen to him talk.

He's speaking lies. About how Buffy was his, how she loved him, and I would never have a chance with her.

Never.

He's so goddamn cocky, so smug I hate him.

As I have never hated anyone else.

I rush him and try to tackle him to the ground.

But somehow instead of him on the ground that's where I ended up alone. He's standing over me. His voice is taunting and he's spewing more of his lies.

Buffy's kneeling down beside me and talking. I try and concentrate on her voice, her smell.

Just Buffy.

But it's hard because I can't get the picture of Spike all over Buffy out my head. She let him touch her!

"Why Buffy?" I asked in pain, the deepest pain I've ever felt in my entire life. Such pain that it brings tears to my eyes as I reach up to touch her face.

She's trying to answer me I know it, but Spike's talking again and I'm fed up with him.

She's moved away from me and I get to my feet.

She's talking to him and I don't know what she's saying, but I know it's gotta be about me being the only one for her.

But… I realize something. As long as Spike's around he'll be a threat to me and Buffy, and not to mention little Angelina.

I couldn't allow that!

I always carry around my gun. An old habit left over from my days with the government. I even slept with one under my pillow.

I'm screaming and don't realize it as I grab the gun from its ankle holster and I wave it around.

I blinked because I couldn't see for the dizziness that suddenly assaulted me. My hand's shaking and it's hard to get a handle on Spike.

I know I've got his attention when he starts to talk real slow like. It reminds me of Charlie Brown and those teachers of his. I giggle and soon I'm laughing so loud and fast my breath hitches in my chest.

I gag trying to breathe.

He's closer now and I can't let him get any closer, or I won't go through with it. I can't look at Buffy.

I pull back the safety and point straight at Spike.

"Cocky little fucker," I yelled grinning at him. "You aren't worth half the pain you've caused Buffy! You deserve this. You deserve to die!"

His mouth's moving again, but I can't hear, the bloods roaring in my ears and I pull the trigger.

But I miss and soon Spike's got me in a hold I can't shake.

We struggle.

He won't let go of the gun! Why can't he let go and die like a man? He's so stupid with his bleached hair and fucking accent!

Ah!

Yes I have control of the gun.

He's still trying to get it, and I turn wildly pushing him off me, and before I realize it my finger squeezed the trigger and another bullet went off.

I turn to face Spike then, only he's not looking at me. He's looking over my shoulder, and slowly with dread eating me up I turn too.

I scream when I see her.

"You did this," Spike yelled as he flew past me and dropped to his knees beside her.

I shake my head.

No.

No.

He did this not me!

How dare he blame this on me?! If he hadn't tried to get his hands on my gun this would never have happened!

He's screaming at me as I try and kneel beside Buffy too.

He tells me to get away from his wife or he'll kill me.

And I tell him not if I kill you first.

I wanted to shoot him then but the sounds of sirens and people's voices penetrate my foggy brain and with shaking hands I shove the gun into my pocket and run.

I don't know why, but I run as fast as I can.

For as long as I can.

As I run I cry.

Knowing if Buffy died so would I.

I think I stayed out all night. I only know that when I wake I'm in an alley. Filthy and weak, my head throbbing.

I feel sick to my stomach and when I throw up I welcome it.

I shake as chills rake down my body.

Flashes of last night flicker through my head and I'm lost.

What did I do?

God what did I do?

Some how I manage to crawl out of the alley.

I go home, change, stare at the gun I used to shoot Buffy and sob.

She has to be okay.

She has to be okay.

I called Willow.

She told me what hospital Buffy was at. Told me she would meet me there with the rest of the gang.

I try to picture their reactions once they learned I was the cause of all this. They'd hate me and I knew it.

At the hospital I wander around in a daze and try to calm my nerves. Maybe they wouldn't have to know.

Maybe…

I reach her room push open the door, and am ready to step in when I hear voices.

Buffy's voice.

Talking.

I hear her and my heart soars. Leaps into my throat and my hands tremble as I try to decide what to say to her.

I'll tell her how sorry I am.

That although I hadn't meant to hit her this was Spike's fault. He'd gotten in my way and he was the one who should have been shot.

She's talking to him I realize with abrupt coldness.

Telling him…

I stifle a moan as I hear her words.

She's comforting him.

Telling him it wasn't his fault I shot her!

The hell it wasn't!

Why couldn't she see?

Why was she so blind where he was concerned?

I flatten myself against the wall gripping my head, shaking it. Not wanting to hear her words. Her poisonous lies. How dare she offer comfort where known is needed?

I squirm when I hear the sound of heels coming from the opposite direction.

God oh God.

"Xander?" Willow's voice is the last thing I want to hear.

I turn my back on her.

God oh God.

I run again.

Slide down a wall and pull my knees up to my chest.

Buffy couldn't blame me. I couldn't live if she blamed me for this.

I love her.

With all my heart and soul.

That had to be enough!

She would forgive me.

I don't know how long I sat there, but when a nurse walked by and jostled me I get to my feet and leaned against the wall.

I take slow and even breaths.

I can face her.

And that's exactly what I do.

I walk into her room and luckily for me she's awake and alone. She looks like she's been crying her eyes are all red and puffy.

I could kill Spike all over again for making her cry.

When I express my desire she gets angry.

I've never seen her so angry.

She's demanding to know what got into me. I tell her the truth. That it was love. Pure love that got into me.

I love you; I tell her with all the love and passion I have in me.

She scoffed. 

Wanted to know about Anya.

I tried to explain but she wasn't listening.

She wanted to know why I shot her.

I told her I didn't mean to shoot her. That I loved her with my whole heart, and would never hurt her.

She told me I was wrong and didn't know what love was. She said I had Anya wasn't that enough?

I tried to explain.

I tried my hardest but still she couldn't see.

Couldn't see my love for her and finally I decided to agree.

Give her what she wanted.

I agreed that yes I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing. I didn't love her like that. I wasn't in love with her. I was confused. I was insane.

I agreed and was torn apart, when she smiled reaching a hand out for mine.

The thrill I got went straight to my toes as our hands touched. I wanted to shout to the rooftops.

I loved her!

Forever!

But I could wait.

She told me it was never going to happen. Insisted that I was her bestfriend and to think of me as anything other than that was ridiculous.

I agreed only because she seemed to need it.

When I left her room I felt…

Deflated.

It hadn't gone the way I'd envisioned it at all. But that didn't matter now that Buffy knew how I felt about her. It would only be a matter of time.

Willow was approaching me again this time with most of the gang.  I froze wondering what was going on.

Did they know?

"Xan are you okay?" Willow asked as she reached out to me.

I nod.

"Yes," I choked out because my throat was tight and I felt sick to my stomach.

"Did she tell you what happened?" Willow asked. "When we went in she was sleeping. So what happened? I saw Spike here—"

"He did it," I exploded. "He shot her! I saw him. He was drunk and angry and he shot her!"

The words tumble from my mouth unchecked and soon all the Scoobies look disgusted and angry.

Now they hate him.  Like I hate him.

They don't love her like me.

But they hate him and for the moment that was enough for me.

~*~

End of Flashback…

       

Oz wasn't sure why he felt the need to turn around. But he did and the feeling only got more urgent as he parked in the driveway of the safe house.

He hurried out and rushed to the door.  Noticing how quiet the house was as he burst into it.

Willow and Tara were on his heels as he searched the kitchen.

       

"Stay down here," he ordered as he jerked his gun from his holster, and jogged up the stairs.

His heart was pounding and he knew…

He knew something was wrong.

Slowly he checked each room and found them empty.

"Where are you guys?" he asked himself.

When he heard it, chills slithered down his spine.

Laughter.

Giddy, hysterical laughter. Oz shoved open the door of the study, and stepped into it.

Jerked back in shock at what he saw.

"Jesus," he gasped staring at Xander who stood rooted in the middle of the room.

Spike was sprawled on the floor his arms spread wide a gun gripped in his hand.

Angel lay a few feet away another gun placed in his hand. His eyes staring sightlessly up at the ceiling.

"Do you like the picture they make?" Xander asked curiously.

Oz didn't answer as he dropped down to his knees next to Spike.

"I wouldn't bother. He's dead," Xander's dead voice floated to Oz, as he searched for a pulse.

Found one.

Weak and fragile but there all the same.

What the hell had Xander done?!

"Willow," Oz screamed as he turned to Xander gun raised. Eyes betraying nothing as he stared at his bestfriend. "You need to come here Xander," he ordered.

Xander remained still and kept up his laughter.

Willow gasped as she came to a halt in the doorway.

"Call an ambulance," Oz ordered. "Xander what have you done?"

Xander finally turned and faced Oz his eyes blank and dead.

"She'll have to love me now," he said. "Now that he's dead she'll have to love me."

Oz felt sick to his stomach as he lowered his gun.

Walked towards Xander and reached out.

"Ah God Xand…she's never gonna forgive you," he muttered as he reached out to Xander and gripped him by the arms.

"I called the police," Tara's soft voice came from behind him.

Oz gritted his teeth as he helped Xander move towards the door.

She stepped out of the way as Oz led Xander out of the room.

"I gotta call Buffy. Could you…would you call Lilah. Get her to get over here as soon as she can?"

Oz knew no matter what Xander had done or why he couldn't turn his back on him. They had been friends forever it seemed.

Leaving an almost catatonic Xander with the women Oz walked to the kitchen and dialed Buffy's number.

"Summers," Buffy answered abruptly.

"Buffy," Oz cleared his throat. "It's about…um it's about Spike."