Note: This is an exaggerated account of the Get Smart characters. Nothing is meant to be taken seriously. :)
Chapter Two: Would You Believe? . . .
Conrad and the man with the comb decided to leave Seth to his own fate, for the time being, anyway. They both happened to chance upon the Dave Clark Five concert, and knowing that their enemies sometimes used concerts as covers, resolved to sneak in and see how the performance was going.
The gentleman with the long eyelashes complied with his friend's wishes and remained looking for the boy long after the others gave up on the expedition. Unfortunately, the south side of town was also the poor side of town. As the fellow trudged on deeper into the poor side of town, he was unaware of the fact that four eyes were watching his every move through the dusk of the evening. He was also oblivious to the fact that the owners of those eyes were each carrying a club which they used for the expressed purpose of mugging respectable men in suits with vests who wonder into their territory.
As the muggers approached the ignorant man, a scream ushered forth from a nearby building sending the muggers on their way and the man to the ground.
Shortly after the incident, he regained his composure, but his curiosity provoked him so much that he slunk cautiously over to the run down shack and peered inside the window.
The building appeared to be a run-down, two-room house. In the corner of the living area/kitchen stood a table with one leg missing. Seated upon the table was a young woman of about eighteen. She had been the one who had produced the terrible screech. As the man examined the tiny house, the girl began screaming again. Suddenly, a new sound was heard. It started out far away and then came closer. The noise they heard came from the lips of Jenny Peters, an entertainer who appeared regularly on the television show Tom's Tunes. Tom was really quite a sleazy man that didn't pay his employees enough for their hard work, but Jenny couldn't get a better job, so she worked long hours to pay the rent for her small shack.
The man cocked his head listening to the woman who was singing. The song she was singing went like this:
"Oh! You've got that something.
I think you'll understand
when I say that something,
I wanna hold your hand!"
Jenny had reached her house now, so she abruptly stopped her singing. (She couldn't see the man because he was hiding in the shadows.) She pulled out a rusty key from her pocket and inserted it into the door.
The man took this opportune time to introduce himself. He stepped out of the shadows to say urgently, "Lady!"
The woman gasped in horror. She opened her mouth to speak, but no words could she utter.
"Could I come in? I got lost and I need to warm myself up. I'll only take a moment of your spare time." He looked pleadingly at her with his dark blue eyes.
"Certainly."
The two tried to enter the door at the same time. Jenny smiled bashfully at the stranger, thinking he was the most handsome creature alive. The man cringed and entered behind her.
Jenny folded her hands together. "Welcome to our humble home. This is my sister Christine," she gestured toward the girl who had been screeching.
The girl spoke up. "Just call me Chrissy. No one ever calls me Christine." She hopped from one leg to the other.
Jenny smiled sweetly. "Chrissy, don't you have some homework to do?" Her tawny hair was brilliantly illuminated by the bare light bulb, which hung crookedly from the ceiling.
Chrissy gawked incredulously at Jenny before replying, "But, sis, its July!" Jenny's smile wavered as she led her annoying sibling into their bedroom. There were a series of commands ushered forth by Jenny proceeded by several complaints made by the indignant Chrissy.
The fellow remained in the adjoining room, quite frightened as to what was happening. He believed that Jenny's disposal of her sister was merely a clever way of distracting her sister from what she was going to do, which was merely, kissing up to him! The man sought some place to conceal himself from worse than death, but before he could take one-step, Jenny reentered the room wearing a red feather boa. The song "She Loves You" was playing quietly in the background. Singing the words to the song, Jenny began to flirtatiously encircle him.
As the Beatles began their last set of "yeahs", the man spoke up. "What're you doing?"
Jenny stopped her bizarre antics. "Why, I thought it was obvious. I'm madly in love with you, and to prove my undying passion, I'm singing a love song. When this record finishes, you will make some sort of oration of your admiration for me."
The man shook his head. "This is ridiculous; I'm going home." He strolled to the door. "Miss, I sincerely hope you get help." He opened the door to reveal the two thugs who had tried to hurt him earlier. The man took one look at their corrupt faces and slammed the door. "Alright, here's the scoop." He straitened his necktie and cleared his throat. Jenny fled to his side and grabbed his arm.
"You do care a little about me!" she exclaimed. I knew you were meant for me the moment I laid eyes on you."
"No, no, no!" snapped the man, nearly reducing Jenny to tears. "You can't! I'm not a man at all, I'm-" The man took off his hat revealing a soft cascade of long brunette hair. "-an undercover agent."
Jenny's eyes nearly got sucked from their sockets. "Oh! I'm sorry!" she cried, turning completely beet-red. "I had no idea!"
"That's the whole point!" exclaimed the female spy as she put her hair back up. "Now, pretend you don't know, all right? Our lives may depend upon it! If Conrad finds out that I'm not a KAOS agent . . ."
Jenny's periwinkle eyes grew wide. "You mean we could both be killed?" She asked in desperation. Suddenly, her vision became blurry, and the room seemed to revolve. The woman stared at her in alarm as Jenny collapsed unto the floor.
Chrissy had been eavesdropping the entire time. At the sound of a thud, she burst through the bedroom door, glanced at her sister, and screamed. "What have you done to her?" she yelled at the intruder.
The woman looked about herself, searching vainly for a feasible explanation. "Would you believe she had a heart attack?" she asked, using her partner's favourite ploy for getting out of a jam.
Chrissy was enraged. "Get out! Get out of here!" she hollered.
She shrugged his shoulders and returned to town, receiving only a few scratches from the muggers since she had no money with her. Her quest for Seth had been futile.
As it was mentioned before, Conrad and his crony, Starker, had gone to a Dave Clark Five concert. They had pulled their starched collars all the way up to their eyes, and had tipped their hats at oblique angle over their eyes. "Now we're unrecognizable," Conrad had explained.
As they sneaked about the building, Starker, commented, "I'm hungry. Let's get ourselves a bite to eat over at the concession stand." He nodded toward the vendor, who was shouting about getting a nice plump hot dog. He ran over to the stand, but before he could order anything, Conrad stopped him.
"Zis is KAOS!" he yelled. "Ve do not eat on zee job here! Besides, if our identity is discovered, ve're in for it!"
"Aw, Siegfried!" he whined, using his boss's surname. "I've just got to have a frankfurter!"
"You don't have to do anything, Shtarker, unless I tell you to!"
But the stupid agent bought a hot dog from the suspicious vendor anyway, and was about to start eating it, when a familiar face checked him. He did a double take, and exclaimed all too nonchalantly, "Say, zere's our man, Seth, and he look's like he's about to buy himself a snack at zis stand."
Siegfried perceived that his friend was right, grabbed Starker who was once again trying to bite into his frankfurter, and slid into a photo booth, closing the curtain behind them. "Not a vord of complaint, or I'll give it to you right in zee jaw," Conrad declared menacingly before his friend could protest. If the boy saw them, he would certainly call the police.
Starker just slipped a couple coins into the photo machine, bit into his hot dog, and ordered with his mouth full, "Say 'Cheese'." The photo machine snapped a picture of an annoyed man and his mischievous friend.
"You can be as intelligent as Smart at times," Siegfried pronounced. "Vich is not at all a complement, mind you. Now let's grab the little brat and continue our plan."
Starker merely stuffed the rest of his hot dog into his mouth and nodded. He then pulled out a handkerchief and wiped the catsup and mustard off his face. Conrad rolled his eyes in disgust. Then, he drew back the curtain, and seeing that everybody else was preoccupied at the moment, slipped out. His colleague followed close behind him. Conrad von Siegfried straightened his skewed hat, and marched over to the unsuspecting Seth, who was begging the hot dog vendor to give him something.
"Aw come on, Mister," Seth pleaded, "just one small insignificant morsel, please."
"Sorry, kid, I'd like to help you, but you've gotta have cash. Or you can just scram," retorted the vendor. Disheartened and ravenous, Seth trudged away.
Conrad took this opportune moment to try his scam. Acting as casual as can be, he dashed up to Seth. "Excuse me, boy, I seem to have lost my vatch, so would you be so kind, and tell me vat time it is." Unseen by Seth, he winked at Starker, who nodded in comprehension.
Seth thought the accent was strangely, familiar, but he disregarded his apprehensive feeling. "I don't have a watch either," he responded politely.
"Vat a pity. Vell, vy don't ve go find one together. My limo is out front."
Seth realized too late his grave mistake. Of course the accent was familiar; his kidnapper had an accent like that! He whirled around trying to escape Conrad, also referred to as Siegfried or a scumbag, but was confronted by Starker, also called stupid! Seth could either go with the two man to be their hostage, or he had alternatives, kick, scream, and run for his life. He chose the latter and pushed Starker onto the floor. He then kicked Siegfried in the shins and stepped on his toes, eschewing his opponent's attacks. Seth made a beeline for the audience and soon was loss amidst the bleachers and applauding fans.
Conrad recovered his injuries a bit before his comrade, so he helped Starker up. "Nice move, Shtarker!"
"All right, so I goofed, big deal. Next time ve'll zink of something." They both contemplated for a brief second, then Starker snapped his finger on his left hand. "I've got it zis time, ole boy! Ve'll just track down zose other agents and tell zem to help us capture ze impudent child." Siegfried was a bit dubious, but after a brief meditation, he agreed. So the two schemers set off to find their pal and soon were explaining their occurrence to Max.
"Well," Max started as he placed an arm around Alice, whom he had dragged with him. "I think we simply need to go to the Chicago Hall of the Arts and surprise the little devil incarnate."
Conrad narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Who is zat voman and vat is she doing listening to our plan?"
"She's my date for the evening," Max explained proudly. Siegfried's eyebrows flew up, and Starker's mouth flew open, both in surprise.
Once the stupor dissolved, Max continued, "So who is it performing at the Hall, men?"
"Dave Clark Five," they replied in unison.
"Ah ha!" exclaimed the jubilant agent. "The old 'hide at the Dave Clark Five Concert,' trick, and we fell for it! I might've known. I just got wind that CONTROL is exchanging secrets in the dressing rooms of that very concert. We better make our move before they find our little friend and tell him who we really are." He grabbed his girl, and soon the KAOS agents were heading back to the Chicago Hall with Alice and him.
Seth was having a grand old time. He had found some change, and had been able to buy a large, soft, salty pretzel. The songs were catchy, and the excitement level was to the extreme. The only thing missing was his adoptive sister, Laura. Then the inevitable occurred: the nasty kidnapper arrived and sent Seth running again. Seth didn't have time to think, so he bolted onto the stage, surprising the band members and alerting the police. He rushed backstage and headed for a little room marked "Janitor's Closet". He dodged the policemen and shut himself inside the closet.
How angry the Dave Clark five were at Siggy and his cronies for interrupting their concert is not important, so we'll skip it. Let's just say that by the time they arrived backstage, they had been called more than a few foul names. "Vere is he?" Conrad demanded of the police.
"The disturber is in the closet," one of the police informed him. "Is he yours?"
"Yes, he's my charge." Conrad von Siegfried managed to evade all other inquisitions with a little help from his friends. The constables went back to their posts, and Conrad started pounding on the closet door.
Inside the broom closet, Seth trembled. Would this agonizing day ever end?
To Be Continued!
Chapter Two: Would You Believe? . . .
Conrad and the man with the comb decided to leave Seth to his own fate, for the time being, anyway. They both happened to chance upon the Dave Clark Five concert, and knowing that their enemies sometimes used concerts as covers, resolved to sneak in and see how the performance was going.
The gentleman with the long eyelashes complied with his friend's wishes and remained looking for the boy long after the others gave up on the expedition. Unfortunately, the south side of town was also the poor side of town. As the fellow trudged on deeper into the poor side of town, he was unaware of the fact that four eyes were watching his every move through the dusk of the evening. He was also oblivious to the fact that the owners of those eyes were each carrying a club which they used for the expressed purpose of mugging respectable men in suits with vests who wonder into their territory.
As the muggers approached the ignorant man, a scream ushered forth from a nearby building sending the muggers on their way and the man to the ground.
Shortly after the incident, he regained his composure, but his curiosity provoked him so much that he slunk cautiously over to the run down shack and peered inside the window.
The building appeared to be a run-down, two-room house. In the corner of the living area/kitchen stood a table with one leg missing. Seated upon the table was a young woman of about eighteen. She had been the one who had produced the terrible screech. As the man examined the tiny house, the girl began screaming again. Suddenly, a new sound was heard. It started out far away and then came closer. The noise they heard came from the lips of Jenny Peters, an entertainer who appeared regularly on the television show Tom's Tunes. Tom was really quite a sleazy man that didn't pay his employees enough for their hard work, but Jenny couldn't get a better job, so she worked long hours to pay the rent for her small shack.
The man cocked his head listening to the woman who was singing. The song she was singing went like this:
"Oh! You've got that something.
I think you'll understand
when I say that something,
I wanna hold your hand!"
Jenny had reached her house now, so she abruptly stopped her singing. (She couldn't see the man because he was hiding in the shadows.) She pulled out a rusty key from her pocket and inserted it into the door.
The man took this opportune time to introduce himself. He stepped out of the shadows to say urgently, "Lady!"
The woman gasped in horror. She opened her mouth to speak, but no words could she utter.
"Could I come in? I got lost and I need to warm myself up. I'll only take a moment of your spare time." He looked pleadingly at her with his dark blue eyes.
"Certainly."
The two tried to enter the door at the same time. Jenny smiled bashfully at the stranger, thinking he was the most handsome creature alive. The man cringed and entered behind her.
Jenny folded her hands together. "Welcome to our humble home. This is my sister Christine," she gestured toward the girl who had been screeching.
The girl spoke up. "Just call me Chrissy. No one ever calls me Christine." She hopped from one leg to the other.
Jenny smiled sweetly. "Chrissy, don't you have some homework to do?" Her tawny hair was brilliantly illuminated by the bare light bulb, which hung crookedly from the ceiling.
Chrissy gawked incredulously at Jenny before replying, "But, sis, its July!" Jenny's smile wavered as she led her annoying sibling into their bedroom. There were a series of commands ushered forth by Jenny proceeded by several complaints made by the indignant Chrissy.
The fellow remained in the adjoining room, quite frightened as to what was happening. He believed that Jenny's disposal of her sister was merely a clever way of distracting her sister from what she was going to do, which was merely, kissing up to him! The man sought some place to conceal himself from worse than death, but before he could take one-step, Jenny reentered the room wearing a red feather boa. The song "She Loves You" was playing quietly in the background. Singing the words to the song, Jenny began to flirtatiously encircle him.
As the Beatles began their last set of "yeahs", the man spoke up. "What're you doing?"
Jenny stopped her bizarre antics. "Why, I thought it was obvious. I'm madly in love with you, and to prove my undying passion, I'm singing a love song. When this record finishes, you will make some sort of oration of your admiration for me."
The man shook his head. "This is ridiculous; I'm going home." He strolled to the door. "Miss, I sincerely hope you get help." He opened the door to reveal the two thugs who had tried to hurt him earlier. The man took one look at their corrupt faces and slammed the door. "Alright, here's the scoop." He straitened his necktie and cleared his throat. Jenny fled to his side and grabbed his arm.
"You do care a little about me!" she exclaimed. I knew you were meant for me the moment I laid eyes on you."
"No, no, no!" snapped the man, nearly reducing Jenny to tears. "You can't! I'm not a man at all, I'm-" The man took off his hat revealing a soft cascade of long brunette hair. "-an undercover agent."
Jenny's eyes nearly got sucked from their sockets. "Oh! I'm sorry!" she cried, turning completely beet-red. "I had no idea!"
"That's the whole point!" exclaimed the female spy as she put her hair back up. "Now, pretend you don't know, all right? Our lives may depend upon it! If Conrad finds out that I'm not a KAOS agent . . ."
Jenny's periwinkle eyes grew wide. "You mean we could both be killed?" She asked in desperation. Suddenly, her vision became blurry, and the room seemed to revolve. The woman stared at her in alarm as Jenny collapsed unto the floor.
Chrissy had been eavesdropping the entire time. At the sound of a thud, she burst through the bedroom door, glanced at her sister, and screamed. "What have you done to her?" she yelled at the intruder.
The woman looked about herself, searching vainly for a feasible explanation. "Would you believe she had a heart attack?" she asked, using her partner's favourite ploy for getting out of a jam.
Chrissy was enraged. "Get out! Get out of here!" she hollered.
She shrugged his shoulders and returned to town, receiving only a few scratches from the muggers since she had no money with her. Her quest for Seth had been futile.
As it was mentioned before, Conrad and his crony, Starker, had gone to a Dave Clark Five concert. They had pulled their starched collars all the way up to their eyes, and had tipped their hats at oblique angle over their eyes. "Now we're unrecognizable," Conrad had explained.
As they sneaked about the building, Starker, commented, "I'm hungry. Let's get ourselves a bite to eat over at the concession stand." He nodded toward the vendor, who was shouting about getting a nice plump hot dog. He ran over to the stand, but before he could order anything, Conrad stopped him.
"Zis is KAOS!" he yelled. "Ve do not eat on zee job here! Besides, if our identity is discovered, ve're in for it!"
"Aw, Siegfried!" he whined, using his boss's surname. "I've just got to have a frankfurter!"
"You don't have to do anything, Shtarker, unless I tell you to!"
But the stupid agent bought a hot dog from the suspicious vendor anyway, and was about to start eating it, when a familiar face checked him. He did a double take, and exclaimed all too nonchalantly, "Say, zere's our man, Seth, and he look's like he's about to buy himself a snack at zis stand."
Siegfried perceived that his friend was right, grabbed Starker who was once again trying to bite into his frankfurter, and slid into a photo booth, closing the curtain behind them. "Not a vord of complaint, or I'll give it to you right in zee jaw," Conrad declared menacingly before his friend could protest. If the boy saw them, he would certainly call the police.
Starker just slipped a couple coins into the photo machine, bit into his hot dog, and ordered with his mouth full, "Say 'Cheese'." The photo machine snapped a picture of an annoyed man and his mischievous friend.
"You can be as intelligent as Smart at times," Siegfried pronounced. "Vich is not at all a complement, mind you. Now let's grab the little brat and continue our plan."
Starker merely stuffed the rest of his hot dog into his mouth and nodded. He then pulled out a handkerchief and wiped the catsup and mustard off his face. Conrad rolled his eyes in disgust. Then, he drew back the curtain, and seeing that everybody else was preoccupied at the moment, slipped out. His colleague followed close behind him. Conrad von Siegfried straightened his skewed hat, and marched over to the unsuspecting Seth, who was begging the hot dog vendor to give him something.
"Aw come on, Mister," Seth pleaded, "just one small insignificant morsel, please."
"Sorry, kid, I'd like to help you, but you've gotta have cash. Or you can just scram," retorted the vendor. Disheartened and ravenous, Seth trudged away.
Conrad took this opportune moment to try his scam. Acting as casual as can be, he dashed up to Seth. "Excuse me, boy, I seem to have lost my vatch, so would you be so kind, and tell me vat time it is." Unseen by Seth, he winked at Starker, who nodded in comprehension.
Seth thought the accent was strangely, familiar, but he disregarded his apprehensive feeling. "I don't have a watch either," he responded politely.
"Vat a pity. Vell, vy don't ve go find one together. My limo is out front."
Seth realized too late his grave mistake. Of course the accent was familiar; his kidnapper had an accent like that! He whirled around trying to escape Conrad, also referred to as Siegfried or a scumbag, but was confronted by Starker, also called stupid! Seth could either go with the two man to be their hostage, or he had alternatives, kick, scream, and run for his life. He chose the latter and pushed Starker onto the floor. He then kicked Siegfried in the shins and stepped on his toes, eschewing his opponent's attacks. Seth made a beeline for the audience and soon was loss amidst the bleachers and applauding fans.
Conrad recovered his injuries a bit before his comrade, so he helped Starker up. "Nice move, Shtarker!"
"All right, so I goofed, big deal. Next time ve'll zink of something." They both contemplated for a brief second, then Starker snapped his finger on his left hand. "I've got it zis time, ole boy! Ve'll just track down zose other agents and tell zem to help us capture ze impudent child." Siegfried was a bit dubious, but after a brief meditation, he agreed. So the two schemers set off to find their pal and soon were explaining their occurrence to Max.
"Well," Max started as he placed an arm around Alice, whom he had dragged with him. "I think we simply need to go to the Chicago Hall of the Arts and surprise the little devil incarnate."
Conrad narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Who is zat voman and vat is she doing listening to our plan?"
"She's my date for the evening," Max explained proudly. Siegfried's eyebrows flew up, and Starker's mouth flew open, both in surprise.
Once the stupor dissolved, Max continued, "So who is it performing at the Hall, men?"
"Dave Clark Five," they replied in unison.
"Ah ha!" exclaimed the jubilant agent. "The old 'hide at the Dave Clark Five Concert,' trick, and we fell for it! I might've known. I just got wind that CONTROL is exchanging secrets in the dressing rooms of that very concert. We better make our move before they find our little friend and tell him who we really are." He grabbed his girl, and soon the KAOS agents were heading back to the Chicago Hall with Alice and him.
Seth was having a grand old time. He had found some change, and had been able to buy a large, soft, salty pretzel. The songs were catchy, and the excitement level was to the extreme. The only thing missing was his adoptive sister, Laura. Then the inevitable occurred: the nasty kidnapper arrived and sent Seth running again. Seth didn't have time to think, so he bolted onto the stage, surprising the band members and alerting the police. He rushed backstage and headed for a little room marked "Janitor's Closet". He dodged the policemen and shut himself inside the closet.
How angry the Dave Clark five were at Siggy and his cronies for interrupting their concert is not important, so we'll skip it. Let's just say that by the time they arrived backstage, they had been called more than a few foul names. "Vere is he?" Conrad demanded of the police.
"The disturber is in the closet," one of the police informed him. "Is he yours?"
"Yes, he's my charge." Conrad von Siegfried managed to evade all other inquisitions with a little help from his friends. The constables went back to their posts, and Conrad started pounding on the closet door.
Inside the broom closet, Seth trembled. Would this agonizing day ever end?
To Be Continued!