Chapter Three: If You Don't Mind, 99 . . .
"Seth Loin, you come out of that closet and talk to me right now!" yelled Siegfried impatiently.
"No way, you nasty kidnapper!" shouted Seth as bravely as he could muster. Conrad argued with him and threatened to leave Seth in the broom closet to starve. He was about to curse at the youth, but Alice checked him.
"Let me try to persuade him," she said. She cleared her throat several times and began. "Seth, dear, you're not being very reasonable. You surely will starve if you continue to live in the broom closet."
"I can live off the concession stand," Seth retorted.
"Vith vat money?" Starker asked saucily.
"Besides, the concession stands aren't open when there's no concert going on," added Max unnecessarily.
Alice continued, "Please be a dear boy and come with us. I own a restaurant, and you could get some supper."
"Yeah!" agreed Max. "You could get a hamburger with all the condiments sticking to the onion!" Alice glared at him as if to say "that won't get him to change his mind."
"Or a frankfurter," added Starker, thinking of his own hasty dinner.
"Or something entirely different from these fast foods," Conrad told the boy behind the broom closet door. Seth pondered over these things briefly and wondered if he should give the kidnapper a second chance to redeem himself. He hesitated, but when his stomach growled, wanting more sustenance, he caved in. He opened the door a crack and peered at the anxious group of strangers. "Who's that girl, Conrad?" asked Seth, trying to sound nonchalant.
"Non of your beeswax," replied Max, putting a possessive arm around Alice, as if Seth might try to steal her away. Siegfried and Starker rolled their eyes. They were beginning to have serious doubts about their partner in crime. And that voice! Vere, oh vere had they heard it before?
After a brief silence, Seth followed the men, who sneaked passed the police to Alice's restaurant. He ate the seafood combo, which included lobster, shrimp, crab and frog legs, a salad, and fresh baked bread sticks. The mere mention of frog legs made Starker turn green, which started Max laughing. No one even knew why frog legs were considered seafood. When Seth couldn't eat any more, Max and Starker took over diminishing the plentiful meal, even though they had both already eaten. Siegfried just sighed in disgust and ate his steak. Soon Seth became very drowsy, so Max took him to lie down in Alice's office. As Max was returning to his meal, the female agent, still disguised as a male, burst through the restaurant door.
"Hello!" she cried in a deep, manly voice as she joined her friends at the table.The CONTROL cross-dresser, who called herself Nathan, explained his previous episode with the lovely Jenny Peters. She caught his breath and added, "The worst part of it all is that she knows our predicament, so we have to take her along!" Her friends stared at her wondering if she was insane. Nathan took a bite of the crabmeat, which Max and Starker had been ignoring, chewed thoroughly, and corrected herself. "That is if we don't decide to kill her."
Max looked horrified. "Well, you're not killing mine!" He rushed over to Alice and tried to protect her from Nathan's stony gaze. Unfortunately, he got too close and knocked the poor girl out of her seat
Nathan, who had sat in the only vacant seat left, which was next to Siegfried, continued her glare, but redirected it to Max. "Who is that girl?" she asked, the venom in her voice stinging the ears of her companions.
"Would you believe a long lost cousin?" fumbled Max. The look he received from Nathan blew that old ploy out of the water. "How about-" he began feebly.
"No!" the other agents shouted. Max covered his ears in pain as Alice struggled to get up from the entanglement she had formed with her chair. Starker, looking bored, took the two remaining bread sticks and used them as drum sticks. Then when the maitre' d came over to the table to tell him to stop, he began to eat them. Max found this humorous, but dirty looks from Nathan and Conrad stifled his chuckles. The maitre' d stuck his nose into the air and returned to his post by the front door. Starker imitated the steward, and the two moronic agents couldn't control themselves anymore. They both began laughing hysterically. They were laughing so loudly, they didn't notice the gun that Conrad had pulled on them. But Nathan did. She cleared her throat loudly and pointed at the offensive weapon. It was amazing how quiet they became after that.
Suddenly, they heard a scream. Nathan found the source of the shout and exclaimed, "By George, it's Jenny!" She sprung up from the table. "Excuse me, my friends," she said, "I've got some business to attend to." She linked arms with Jenny and pulled her to a far corner of the restaurant. "What are you doing here? I told you to run far, far away and never see me again or you run the high risk of being killed. Then I was going to tell those enemy agents that you had escaped when I wasn't looking. It was so simple, how could you have goofed up?"
"I got hungry," the beautiful but stupid blonde explained in a pouting voice.
"Well, I'm sure you'll lose your appetite entirely once you're being held at gunpoint!" snapped Nathan.
"Could that really happen?" asked Jenny in disbelief.
"It just happened to my boyf- I mean partner, Max," she hissed, pointing at the afore mentioned agent. To her chagrin, Alice was sitting in his lap and cooing sweet nothings in his ear. "Excuse me," said Nathan as she marched angrily toward Max.
Max grinned sheepishly and motioned for Alice to get her own chair. Nathan smiled in an overly saccharine way and returned to her charge. To her surprise, she had vanished. "Oh, brilliant," she sighed in exasperation as she returned to the table.
"Vat vas taking so long?" demanded Siegfried.
"I was just giving her some pointers about how to be a spy," she lied. "I figured, if she became a KAOS agent, we wouldn't have to kill her."
"How vould ve know if ve could trust her?" inquired Conrad.
"The same way you know you can trust me," replied Max in a matter-of-fact tone as he absently played with the edge of Alice's skirt.
Nathan and Conrad merely gave him an icy stare for the umpteenth time that evening. "If ve can trust you, something is really vrong," muttered the fiendish German agent.
"Something must be really wrong then," said Max with a grin.
"Vill you excuse me, Shtarker," Siggy said evilly. He got up to drag Max out of the room.
Fearing for her partner's life, Nathan pulled out a pistol from her overcoat and aimed it at Conrad. "Drop him!" she commanded.
"If you don't mind, 99, I can handle this myself," Max said indignantly. He struggled to release himself from Siegfried's grasp, but it was useless. "Then again," he began in a panicked voice, "maybe we should just go with the 'drop him' idea."
"I cannot believe my ears!" moaned Conrad. "You vere Maxvell Shmart all along! How could I be so shtupid?"
"Actually, quite easily," remarked Smart with an air of triumph. "Our disguises were so impenetrable that I doubt our own mothers would've recognized us."
"But Max," Nathan, otherwise known as 99, reminded him, "We aren't even wearing disguises."
"Oh, right," admitted Maxwell Smart. "Gee, Siegfried, I don't know how you could've been so stupid!"
Conrad saw this little argument as an opportunity to escape. He grabbed Starker and Alice, whom he forced to disclose the location of her office so they could retrieve the still sleeping Seth.
"Oh, Max, they're getting away!" 99 cried as soon as she realized Siegfried's plan.
"Not, to worry, 99," said Max, unconcerned. "We still have the upper hand. For whatever reason, the boy is what they want, and they won't leave without him."
"But Max, they've got him!" she said, pointing to the escaping trio.
"Now, we can start to worry," mumbled Max in embarrassment. The two CONTROL agents began the chase, leaving the restaurant's other occupants in wonder and shock over what had just occurred.
"Where are you taking me?" asked a breathless Alice.
"To marry me, mein lieb," replied Siegfried as amorously as a killer agent could.
"Oh, Conrad, how romantic!" sighed Alice dreamily. "That Maxwell Smart only wanted to have a one night fling with me!"
"Zat dirty, no-good law-abiding fink!" Conrad exclaimed in mock disgust. Of course, Siegfried didn't really want to marry Alice either, but it was better to have a wife than worry about her joining up with zat treacherous Maxvell Shmart again.
Conrad and Alice wasted no time in preparing for the wedding. Every day, Conrad worked his brainwashing scheme on poor Seth with the machine that sounded like a fire alarm. Seth never guessed that the strange noise was a secret weapon.
Soon Alice added to her restaurant sign. It had the restaurant's name still, but now it read underneath: You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant (excepting Alice). Siegfried and his bride-to-be also bought a mansion in an expensive subdivision, where Alice and Seth could live while Conrad was busy trying to rule the world. Unknown to them, Max and 99 decided to buy a mansion there also, so they were neighbors and could spy on the enemy agent with ease. They had no notion at the time that Alice was actually going to marry Siegfried or they wouldn't have waited as long to take action on the rebellious agents.
All the while Seth was there, making suggestions and creating havoc. He became quite chummy with Siggy's friend, Starker. He even stopped missing Laura as much. In fact, he was kept busy most of the time so he didn't have time to think of her.
Soon the day of the wedding arrived. Only a handful of people arrived for the event, even though a hundred were invited. This was probably due to the fact that all of Conrad's friends were dead or in some federal prison. Seth was a little angry at Conrad that day, for Starker had been taunting him about how he was going to have a new mother and father, but he couldn't even keep his sister.
When Conrad and Alice were being married, Seth noticed a strange girl sitting in the front pew with a pretty blond lady. The girl was also blond and was attired in an olive-green dress with tight elastic sleeves. She smiled widely at everyone throughout the service, a fact which quite annoyed the disgruntled Seth. Seth was just about to yell a dirty word at her when he realized that the blond lady next to her was Jenny Peters, the most popular performer on Tom's Tunes, Seth's favorite TV. show. He realized that this must be Jenny's sister, Chrissy Peters, who often guest starred on her show. He waved at her, and she waved back. The preacher saw this and solemnly waited for this foolishness to end. Then, the service commenced and Seth didn't do anything else inappropriate till the end of the service.
After the wedding, Chrissy walked up to Seth and held hands with him as they walked out of church. Seth blushed excessively during this ordeal, noticing she smelled like garbage.
Before Seth could comment her on what she smelled like, the young lady said, "Hi my name is Christine Peters, but my friends call me Chrissy."
"Am I your friend?"
"I don't know. I can't fathom why we even invited to this wedding. My sister and I don't know anyone here except Nathan and her husband."
Seth started and cried in bewilderment, "Husband? Isn't Nathan a male name?"
"Yes, but she's a bit strange." Chrissy gazed suspiciously around herself before continuing, "She claims to be a government agent." Seth just nodded, dazed. "Well," Chrissy added brightly, "we won't have to live in a dump anymore, cause we moved in with Max and Nathan last night! I don't think Max was too enthusiastic about us living with him, but Nathan insisted, so there's nothing he can do about it!"
Seth smiled at Chrissy, and, as their eyes met, an electric shock went straight up his spine. Seth stared curiously at the young woman, trying to place the strange sensation.
Chrissy leaned toward him and said, "You feel it, too, I see. I didn't believe in love at first sight until now." She leaned even closer to Seth, and their lips were about to touch, when Conrad interrupted them with his sneering gaze and impudent remarks.
"I zot I told you to keep away from Maxvell Shmart and his little friends." Conrad motioned for Seth to get in closer to him as if what he was about to say was confidential. "Now Alice and I are going to leave on our honeymoon soon. You are to shtay with Shtarker at our house and not talk to anyone but him until be get back, understand?" Seth nodded, but was secretly planning to stay with Nathan, Max, Jenny, and Chrissy.
"Are you ready to go, my darling?" Alice asked, hands on her hips, clearly not amused.
"Yes, I believe so. Goodbye, Seth, and remember what I told you. Oh, and if you should ever have the misfortune to run into Shmart, for ze lieb of Gott, kill him!"
Seth, having already been brainwashed to do whatever Siegfried told him, gave a respectful nod and a salute. Then Conrad and Alice exited the chapel, were pelted with rice, and shoved into a limousine.
Seth watched as the black car sped out of sight and rubbed his hands together greedily. Now he could do whatever he wanted! Of course, if he happened to bump into Agent 86, which was almost a given since he planned to stay at his house, he had to bump him off, but that should be pretty easy. Conrad had already told him what a bumbling idiot Max was. It would be a cinch to kill the moronic agent. Seth was shaken from his evil thoughts by a light hand on his shoulder.
It was Jenny Peters, beaming from ear to ear. "You're to stay with Max and us while Conrad and Alice are on their honeymoon. And we should head over to Max's house right now because he's hosting a big party and it would be awfully strange for the guests to arrive at the party before the host." She laughed merrily and offered Seth her hand, and the two hurried to the other awaiting limo. Seth grinned wondering if his new friend was a mind reader.
The party was a blast as far as Seth could tell, though he did think that Max's consumption of alcohol was way out of control. In fact, at one point, he was drinking two scotches and puffing two cigarettes at the same time. Seth only found this droll when the cigarettes landed in the drinks.
What he didn't find hilarious, was the fact that Chrissy had declined his offer of dancing, but was eager to get on the dancing floor when Max asked her. In fact, he and 99 both became very enraged when, as they watched the giddy couple, they realized Max was quite attracted to her, and vice versa.
So much for love at first sight, he thought forlornly and bitterly. The party lasted well after midnight, but Seth refused to go to bed until all the guests had left. Seth was extremely tired and cross when they finally made their departure at two a.m.
Chrissy was still in ecstasy, which put him even less out of humor. In fact as she gaily remarked about the charm and debonair style of "dear old Max," he couldn't help but say, "I suppose the fact that Max was half drunk all night and probably mistook you for his wife, made his charm so much more pronounceable."
Chrissy gasped in astonishment, and, as her lower lip began to tremble, she pounded upstairs to her bedroom.
Max scratched his head in contemplation. "I didn't know I had a wife!"
99 laughed gaily and took her "husband" aside. "You do now, remember?" she asked between clenched teeth.
"Oh, sure," he replied tipsily. "We're posing as a married couple so ole Siggy won't suspect that we bought this house just to spy on him. But honey," he continued as he staggered to the floor. "I don't think it's working." 99 sighed in exasperation and bitter disappointment as she dragged him to his feet and started to walk him up the stairs.
Seth stood in the middle of confetti, paper plates, bits of food, and broken glasses. "Who's going to help me clean up?" he whined loudly.
"What did you say, dear?" 99 stopped on one of the stairs. Unfortunately, Max wasn't prepared for this halt and the jolt pulled him off his feet and set him tumbling down the stairs. "Oh! Max, darling!" 99 screeched as she ran down the stairs to see if her love was all right.
"I'm all right, dear." Max scrambled to his feet, but immediately fell back onto the floor.
Seth rushed over to kill Max while he was in this vulnerable position, but fortunately 99 didn't see Seth approaching. Worried for her partner's welfare, she flapped her hands anxiously, knocking Seth in the face. "I'm so sorry, Seth! Let me help you." She peered at his face closely, and once convinced that he had no bruises, went to the aid of her limping husband. When they had disappeared upstairs, Seth hurried to Chrissy's room and knocked the door.
"Chrissy, I'm sorry about what I said," Seth shouted over the noise. "And I need your help. I think I've been brainwashed or something because every time I see Max, I want to kill him. Can you help me?"
Several seconds later, the door opened, revealing Chrissy. "Why should I believe you, Seth Loin?" she inquired politely and intellectually. She began to close the door, but Seth stuck his foot in just in time.
"Chrissy, wait! I am living with a K. A. O. S. agent, aren't I?"
The door opened a little more, alleviating a lot of the pressure that was on Seth's foot. "That's KAOS," replied Chrissy.
"Whatever," said Seth. "I would tell Max himself, but I would be afraid that I'd kill him during the interview. What should I do?" The door opened even wider, and Seth saw part of Chrissy's pretty face. "Come on, Chrissy, you have to help me. Ok, maybe Max wasn't drunk. Though I've seen drunken men, and Max was behaving an awful lot like-" The door slammed shut on his foot. "OOOOOWWWWW!" he cried as he pulled his very sore foot loose from the door.
"Seth!" Chrissy seemed to have suddenly materialized in the hallway. "Are you okay? Let me examine your foot- oh your eye's swollen, too!"
"99 accidentally hit my eye; you just take care of the damage you've done." Seth sprawled out on the floor, writhing in pain.
"I'll kill myself if anything is permanently maimed." Chrissy stopped inspecting Seth's foot long enough to gaze into his eyes and say softly, "You're forgiven. And I will discuss the situation with Max and . . . Her name is 99, not Nathan?"
"I guess so. That's what Max always calls her. They are agents, too, right?"
"Both of them? I thought only 99 was. Well we had better turn in for the night."
"Yeah, and Chrissy? Thanks."
"You're welcome, Seth."
And Seth would have allowed his foot to be mauled a thousand times to hear that simple yet wonderful phrase.
To Be Continued!
Author's Note: Thanks for reviewing my fic. PLEASE Keep them coming
"Seth Loin, you come out of that closet and talk to me right now!" yelled Siegfried impatiently.
"No way, you nasty kidnapper!" shouted Seth as bravely as he could muster. Conrad argued with him and threatened to leave Seth in the broom closet to starve. He was about to curse at the youth, but Alice checked him.
"Let me try to persuade him," she said. She cleared her throat several times and began. "Seth, dear, you're not being very reasonable. You surely will starve if you continue to live in the broom closet."
"I can live off the concession stand," Seth retorted.
"Vith vat money?" Starker asked saucily.
"Besides, the concession stands aren't open when there's no concert going on," added Max unnecessarily.
Alice continued, "Please be a dear boy and come with us. I own a restaurant, and you could get some supper."
"Yeah!" agreed Max. "You could get a hamburger with all the condiments sticking to the onion!" Alice glared at him as if to say "that won't get him to change his mind."
"Or a frankfurter," added Starker, thinking of his own hasty dinner.
"Or something entirely different from these fast foods," Conrad told the boy behind the broom closet door. Seth pondered over these things briefly and wondered if he should give the kidnapper a second chance to redeem himself. He hesitated, but when his stomach growled, wanting more sustenance, he caved in. He opened the door a crack and peered at the anxious group of strangers. "Who's that girl, Conrad?" asked Seth, trying to sound nonchalant.
"Non of your beeswax," replied Max, putting a possessive arm around Alice, as if Seth might try to steal her away. Siegfried and Starker rolled their eyes. They were beginning to have serious doubts about their partner in crime. And that voice! Vere, oh vere had they heard it before?
After a brief silence, Seth followed the men, who sneaked passed the police to Alice's restaurant. He ate the seafood combo, which included lobster, shrimp, crab and frog legs, a salad, and fresh baked bread sticks. The mere mention of frog legs made Starker turn green, which started Max laughing. No one even knew why frog legs were considered seafood. When Seth couldn't eat any more, Max and Starker took over diminishing the plentiful meal, even though they had both already eaten. Siegfried just sighed in disgust and ate his steak. Soon Seth became very drowsy, so Max took him to lie down in Alice's office. As Max was returning to his meal, the female agent, still disguised as a male, burst through the restaurant door.
"Hello!" she cried in a deep, manly voice as she joined her friends at the table.The CONTROL cross-dresser, who called herself Nathan, explained his previous episode with the lovely Jenny Peters. She caught his breath and added, "The worst part of it all is that she knows our predicament, so we have to take her along!" Her friends stared at her wondering if she was insane. Nathan took a bite of the crabmeat, which Max and Starker had been ignoring, chewed thoroughly, and corrected herself. "That is if we don't decide to kill her."
Max looked horrified. "Well, you're not killing mine!" He rushed over to Alice and tried to protect her from Nathan's stony gaze. Unfortunately, he got too close and knocked the poor girl out of her seat
Nathan, who had sat in the only vacant seat left, which was next to Siegfried, continued her glare, but redirected it to Max. "Who is that girl?" she asked, the venom in her voice stinging the ears of her companions.
"Would you believe a long lost cousin?" fumbled Max. The look he received from Nathan blew that old ploy out of the water. "How about-" he began feebly.
"No!" the other agents shouted. Max covered his ears in pain as Alice struggled to get up from the entanglement she had formed with her chair. Starker, looking bored, took the two remaining bread sticks and used them as drum sticks. Then when the maitre' d came over to the table to tell him to stop, he began to eat them. Max found this humorous, but dirty looks from Nathan and Conrad stifled his chuckles. The maitre' d stuck his nose into the air and returned to his post by the front door. Starker imitated the steward, and the two moronic agents couldn't control themselves anymore. They both began laughing hysterically. They were laughing so loudly, they didn't notice the gun that Conrad had pulled on them. But Nathan did. She cleared her throat loudly and pointed at the offensive weapon. It was amazing how quiet they became after that.
Suddenly, they heard a scream. Nathan found the source of the shout and exclaimed, "By George, it's Jenny!" She sprung up from the table. "Excuse me, my friends," she said, "I've got some business to attend to." She linked arms with Jenny and pulled her to a far corner of the restaurant. "What are you doing here? I told you to run far, far away and never see me again or you run the high risk of being killed. Then I was going to tell those enemy agents that you had escaped when I wasn't looking. It was so simple, how could you have goofed up?"
"I got hungry," the beautiful but stupid blonde explained in a pouting voice.
"Well, I'm sure you'll lose your appetite entirely once you're being held at gunpoint!" snapped Nathan.
"Could that really happen?" asked Jenny in disbelief.
"It just happened to my boyf- I mean partner, Max," she hissed, pointing at the afore mentioned agent. To her chagrin, Alice was sitting in his lap and cooing sweet nothings in his ear. "Excuse me," said Nathan as she marched angrily toward Max.
Max grinned sheepishly and motioned for Alice to get her own chair. Nathan smiled in an overly saccharine way and returned to her charge. To her surprise, she had vanished. "Oh, brilliant," she sighed in exasperation as she returned to the table.
"Vat vas taking so long?" demanded Siegfried.
"I was just giving her some pointers about how to be a spy," she lied. "I figured, if she became a KAOS agent, we wouldn't have to kill her."
"How vould ve know if ve could trust her?" inquired Conrad.
"The same way you know you can trust me," replied Max in a matter-of-fact tone as he absently played with the edge of Alice's skirt.
Nathan and Conrad merely gave him an icy stare for the umpteenth time that evening. "If ve can trust you, something is really vrong," muttered the fiendish German agent.
"Something must be really wrong then," said Max with a grin.
"Vill you excuse me, Shtarker," Siggy said evilly. He got up to drag Max out of the room.
Fearing for her partner's life, Nathan pulled out a pistol from her overcoat and aimed it at Conrad. "Drop him!" she commanded.
"If you don't mind, 99, I can handle this myself," Max said indignantly. He struggled to release himself from Siegfried's grasp, but it was useless. "Then again," he began in a panicked voice, "maybe we should just go with the 'drop him' idea."
"I cannot believe my ears!" moaned Conrad. "You vere Maxvell Shmart all along! How could I be so shtupid?"
"Actually, quite easily," remarked Smart with an air of triumph. "Our disguises were so impenetrable that I doubt our own mothers would've recognized us."
"But Max," Nathan, otherwise known as 99, reminded him, "We aren't even wearing disguises."
"Oh, right," admitted Maxwell Smart. "Gee, Siegfried, I don't know how you could've been so stupid!"
Conrad saw this little argument as an opportunity to escape. He grabbed Starker and Alice, whom he forced to disclose the location of her office so they could retrieve the still sleeping Seth.
"Oh, Max, they're getting away!" 99 cried as soon as she realized Siegfried's plan.
"Not, to worry, 99," said Max, unconcerned. "We still have the upper hand. For whatever reason, the boy is what they want, and they won't leave without him."
"But Max, they've got him!" she said, pointing to the escaping trio.
"Now, we can start to worry," mumbled Max in embarrassment. The two CONTROL agents began the chase, leaving the restaurant's other occupants in wonder and shock over what had just occurred.
"Where are you taking me?" asked a breathless Alice.
"To marry me, mein lieb," replied Siegfried as amorously as a killer agent could.
"Oh, Conrad, how romantic!" sighed Alice dreamily. "That Maxwell Smart only wanted to have a one night fling with me!"
"Zat dirty, no-good law-abiding fink!" Conrad exclaimed in mock disgust. Of course, Siegfried didn't really want to marry Alice either, but it was better to have a wife than worry about her joining up with zat treacherous Maxvell Shmart again.
Conrad and Alice wasted no time in preparing for the wedding. Every day, Conrad worked his brainwashing scheme on poor Seth with the machine that sounded like a fire alarm. Seth never guessed that the strange noise was a secret weapon.
Soon Alice added to her restaurant sign. It had the restaurant's name still, but now it read underneath: You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant (excepting Alice). Siegfried and his bride-to-be also bought a mansion in an expensive subdivision, where Alice and Seth could live while Conrad was busy trying to rule the world. Unknown to them, Max and 99 decided to buy a mansion there also, so they were neighbors and could spy on the enemy agent with ease. They had no notion at the time that Alice was actually going to marry Siegfried or they wouldn't have waited as long to take action on the rebellious agents.
All the while Seth was there, making suggestions and creating havoc. He became quite chummy with Siggy's friend, Starker. He even stopped missing Laura as much. In fact, he was kept busy most of the time so he didn't have time to think of her.
Soon the day of the wedding arrived. Only a handful of people arrived for the event, even though a hundred were invited. This was probably due to the fact that all of Conrad's friends were dead or in some federal prison. Seth was a little angry at Conrad that day, for Starker had been taunting him about how he was going to have a new mother and father, but he couldn't even keep his sister.
When Conrad and Alice were being married, Seth noticed a strange girl sitting in the front pew with a pretty blond lady. The girl was also blond and was attired in an olive-green dress with tight elastic sleeves. She smiled widely at everyone throughout the service, a fact which quite annoyed the disgruntled Seth. Seth was just about to yell a dirty word at her when he realized that the blond lady next to her was Jenny Peters, the most popular performer on Tom's Tunes, Seth's favorite TV. show. He realized that this must be Jenny's sister, Chrissy Peters, who often guest starred on her show. He waved at her, and she waved back. The preacher saw this and solemnly waited for this foolishness to end. Then, the service commenced and Seth didn't do anything else inappropriate till the end of the service.
After the wedding, Chrissy walked up to Seth and held hands with him as they walked out of church. Seth blushed excessively during this ordeal, noticing she smelled like garbage.
Before Seth could comment her on what she smelled like, the young lady said, "Hi my name is Christine Peters, but my friends call me Chrissy."
"Am I your friend?"
"I don't know. I can't fathom why we even invited to this wedding. My sister and I don't know anyone here except Nathan and her husband."
Seth started and cried in bewilderment, "Husband? Isn't Nathan a male name?"
"Yes, but she's a bit strange." Chrissy gazed suspiciously around herself before continuing, "She claims to be a government agent." Seth just nodded, dazed. "Well," Chrissy added brightly, "we won't have to live in a dump anymore, cause we moved in with Max and Nathan last night! I don't think Max was too enthusiastic about us living with him, but Nathan insisted, so there's nothing he can do about it!"
Seth smiled at Chrissy, and, as their eyes met, an electric shock went straight up his spine. Seth stared curiously at the young woman, trying to place the strange sensation.
Chrissy leaned toward him and said, "You feel it, too, I see. I didn't believe in love at first sight until now." She leaned even closer to Seth, and their lips were about to touch, when Conrad interrupted them with his sneering gaze and impudent remarks.
"I zot I told you to keep away from Maxvell Shmart and his little friends." Conrad motioned for Seth to get in closer to him as if what he was about to say was confidential. "Now Alice and I are going to leave on our honeymoon soon. You are to shtay with Shtarker at our house and not talk to anyone but him until be get back, understand?" Seth nodded, but was secretly planning to stay with Nathan, Max, Jenny, and Chrissy.
"Are you ready to go, my darling?" Alice asked, hands on her hips, clearly not amused.
"Yes, I believe so. Goodbye, Seth, and remember what I told you. Oh, and if you should ever have the misfortune to run into Shmart, for ze lieb of Gott, kill him!"
Seth, having already been brainwashed to do whatever Siegfried told him, gave a respectful nod and a salute. Then Conrad and Alice exited the chapel, were pelted with rice, and shoved into a limousine.
Seth watched as the black car sped out of sight and rubbed his hands together greedily. Now he could do whatever he wanted! Of course, if he happened to bump into Agent 86, which was almost a given since he planned to stay at his house, he had to bump him off, but that should be pretty easy. Conrad had already told him what a bumbling idiot Max was. It would be a cinch to kill the moronic agent. Seth was shaken from his evil thoughts by a light hand on his shoulder.
It was Jenny Peters, beaming from ear to ear. "You're to stay with Max and us while Conrad and Alice are on their honeymoon. And we should head over to Max's house right now because he's hosting a big party and it would be awfully strange for the guests to arrive at the party before the host." She laughed merrily and offered Seth her hand, and the two hurried to the other awaiting limo. Seth grinned wondering if his new friend was a mind reader.
The party was a blast as far as Seth could tell, though he did think that Max's consumption of alcohol was way out of control. In fact, at one point, he was drinking two scotches and puffing two cigarettes at the same time. Seth only found this droll when the cigarettes landed in the drinks.
What he didn't find hilarious, was the fact that Chrissy had declined his offer of dancing, but was eager to get on the dancing floor when Max asked her. In fact, he and 99 both became very enraged when, as they watched the giddy couple, they realized Max was quite attracted to her, and vice versa.
So much for love at first sight, he thought forlornly and bitterly. The party lasted well after midnight, but Seth refused to go to bed until all the guests had left. Seth was extremely tired and cross when they finally made their departure at two a.m.
Chrissy was still in ecstasy, which put him even less out of humor. In fact as she gaily remarked about the charm and debonair style of "dear old Max," he couldn't help but say, "I suppose the fact that Max was half drunk all night and probably mistook you for his wife, made his charm so much more pronounceable."
Chrissy gasped in astonishment, and, as her lower lip began to tremble, she pounded upstairs to her bedroom.
Max scratched his head in contemplation. "I didn't know I had a wife!"
99 laughed gaily and took her "husband" aside. "You do now, remember?" she asked between clenched teeth.
"Oh, sure," he replied tipsily. "We're posing as a married couple so ole Siggy won't suspect that we bought this house just to spy on him. But honey," he continued as he staggered to the floor. "I don't think it's working." 99 sighed in exasperation and bitter disappointment as she dragged him to his feet and started to walk him up the stairs.
Seth stood in the middle of confetti, paper plates, bits of food, and broken glasses. "Who's going to help me clean up?" he whined loudly.
"What did you say, dear?" 99 stopped on one of the stairs. Unfortunately, Max wasn't prepared for this halt and the jolt pulled him off his feet and set him tumbling down the stairs. "Oh! Max, darling!" 99 screeched as she ran down the stairs to see if her love was all right.
"I'm all right, dear." Max scrambled to his feet, but immediately fell back onto the floor.
Seth rushed over to kill Max while he was in this vulnerable position, but fortunately 99 didn't see Seth approaching. Worried for her partner's welfare, she flapped her hands anxiously, knocking Seth in the face. "I'm so sorry, Seth! Let me help you." She peered at his face closely, and once convinced that he had no bruises, went to the aid of her limping husband. When they had disappeared upstairs, Seth hurried to Chrissy's room and knocked the door.
"Chrissy, I'm sorry about what I said," Seth shouted over the noise. "And I need your help. I think I've been brainwashed or something because every time I see Max, I want to kill him. Can you help me?"
Several seconds later, the door opened, revealing Chrissy. "Why should I believe you, Seth Loin?" she inquired politely and intellectually. She began to close the door, but Seth stuck his foot in just in time.
"Chrissy, wait! I am living with a K. A. O. S. agent, aren't I?"
The door opened a little more, alleviating a lot of the pressure that was on Seth's foot. "That's KAOS," replied Chrissy.
"Whatever," said Seth. "I would tell Max himself, but I would be afraid that I'd kill him during the interview. What should I do?" The door opened even wider, and Seth saw part of Chrissy's pretty face. "Come on, Chrissy, you have to help me. Ok, maybe Max wasn't drunk. Though I've seen drunken men, and Max was behaving an awful lot like-" The door slammed shut on his foot. "OOOOOWWWWW!" he cried as he pulled his very sore foot loose from the door.
"Seth!" Chrissy seemed to have suddenly materialized in the hallway. "Are you okay? Let me examine your foot- oh your eye's swollen, too!"
"99 accidentally hit my eye; you just take care of the damage you've done." Seth sprawled out on the floor, writhing in pain.
"I'll kill myself if anything is permanently maimed." Chrissy stopped inspecting Seth's foot long enough to gaze into his eyes and say softly, "You're forgiven. And I will discuss the situation with Max and . . . Her name is 99, not Nathan?"
"I guess so. That's what Max always calls her. They are agents, too, right?"
"Both of them? I thought only 99 was. Well we had better turn in for the night."
"Yeah, and Chrissy? Thanks."
"You're welcome, Seth."
And Seth would have allowed his foot to be mauled a thousand times to hear that simple yet wonderful phrase.
To Be Continued!
Author's Note: Thanks for reviewing my fic. PLEASE Keep them coming