Chapter Five: He Came, He Saw . . . HELP!
"MAX! 99! JENNY! SETH!" Chrissy screamed as she descended the stairs. In fact, she was so busy shouting out names that she didn't see who was leaning on the railing at the bottom of the stairs until she had collided head on with him! As result, she and Seth were sent sprawling to the floor.
Max glanced at the two bodies lying in a tangled heap on the ground. "Now there's something you don't see everyday," he commented in his usual simpering manner.
Seth rubbed his elbow, and painfully got to his feet. "I feel like I was just stampeded by thousands of screaming fans."
"Well, you're not that far off from the truth." Max helped Chrissy to her feet.
Max expected a word of thanks for his assistance, but instead all Chrissy said was, "Guys, look, there are spies outside, spies that are armed and dangerous!" The agents stared blankly at her for an instant, and then they all burst out laughing.
"Spies! That's a great one!" chortled Seth, who knew very well that Chrissy was most likely telling the truth.
"That girl definitely has a sense of humor!" 99 interjected between laughs. Aside, she whispered to Max. "Siegfried must be back! We must protect Seth from him!."
"Her humor almost surpasses my own," Max joked. Quietly, he remarked, "I've got everything under control, just act naturally."
Now Jenny did not find the situation hilarious. In fact, she was the only one that believed she was lying, so she scolded her sister. "I'm ashamed of you, Chrissy."
Chrissy has endured the laughter with patience and a crimsoned face- after all, Seth, 99, and Max all knew that their neighbors were espionage experts and might be watching them- but her sister's criticism was too much. Instead of getting angry and yelling, she quietly walked over to the window that faced Conrad's house and pulled up the blinds to reveal a terrified Linda, a flabbergasted Uncle Roger, and a star-struck Laura. What was Mr. Smith doing? He was standing calmly outside, his gun pointed at the window.
The agents looked at Mr. Smith, looked at the gun, looked at themselves, and then decided to forgo their bravado and follow natural human instincts. 99 slid under a coffee table, which was a ridiculous place to hide since her long legs stuck out from underneath. Jenny just hid behind the couch, for she was scared stiff and couldn't think of anywhere else to go. Seth sought refuge in the coat closet, and Max hid on the stairs. Actually, he had been trying to run up the stairs, but remembering his tumble of the night before, he had become literally paralyzed with fear halfway up. Chrissy was screaming, petrified, while she picked up the nearest weapon, a shot glass full of Scotch, and was bravely waiting for the intruders.
Laura watched these whole proceedings from outside, fascinated. "How are we gonna get inside to save Seth?"
"Simple, since the window is locked, I'll break it open with my gun and unlock it form the inside. Then we simply climb in." Mr. Smith proceeded to do just that, except he accidentally stuck his empty hand into the window instead.
"Uh, that wasn't right," Laura pronounced diplomatically. Mr. Smith stared at his mauled hand and fled, howling in pain.
"Well, the window is opened anyhow!" Uncle Roger said. After unlocking it carefully, he open it all the way and then climbed in. Laura and Linda followed in suit.
As soon as she entered the mansion, Linda headed straight for the coat closet. "Seth, it's your sister Laura!" she called and waited for a response. When none came, she continued, "You do remember me, don't ya?"
"Of course I remember you," came the muffled reply, "I was just trying to figure out if it was really you speaking, or an assassin mimicking your voice."
Chrissy opened her mouth to speak and immediately took a swig of the Scotch in her hand. She opened her mouth again and made a horrible gagging noise. "Oh, this drink is awful!" she cried, wiping her mouth as if that would make the disgusting taste disappear. "How can you drink this stuff?"
Roger gazed at the glass and then at the choking Chrissy. "Women." He wandered over to the closet tripping on 99's legs in the process. "Seth Lennard Loin, This is your Uncle Roger speaking. I command you come out of the closet now!"
There was several scuffling noises and then came the reply, "The closet door won't open! It stuck good and proper," added Seth from behind the door.
"Oh! Good heavens! Seth!" Chrissy race to the closet and likewise tripped on 99. "99, get out from under the table," she ordered in exasperation. 99 did several contortions and managed to crawl out from under the coffee table.
Suddenly, Max yelled, "Argh!" when he peaked through one of the stair railings, getting his head stuck in the process. He jolted back and forth, but to no avail. He was stuck tightly, just like Seth.
Jenny popped up from behind the couch and stared at Max in dismay and disgust. "A fine kettle of fish *you've* gotten yourself into, Smart."
"I bet it's your fault that all these strangers are attacking us," Chrissy added angrily.
"Why me?" Smart asked indignantly.
"Why not you?" Chrissy countered.
"The reason we're here is because you kidnapped our nephew," Aunt Linda explained impatiently. "We are not going to have you arrested, though, because you're (sigh) secret agents."
"That's very kind of you," said Max half sarcastically and half jovially. Then he proceeded to rattle the railings and shout, "Get me out, 99!"
"If you're not going to arrest us, who was that man with the gun?" 99 inquired suspiciously.
Clapping her hands in acknowledgment, Jenny said impertinently, "You can't ignore that factor now can you? I mean why else would a person have a gun?"
"Unless he wanted to kill us," interjected Max from his uncomfortable position in the railings. Jenny and Chrissy exchanged a glance that only each other could understand and raced at their assailants.
Unfortunately, at that moment 99 pried the closet door open and Jenny was conked in the head by the opened door. "Oh, bloody!" she groaned as she landed on the floor, clutching her nose and head.
99 turned in concern to look at Jenny, and in that brief moment, Uncle Roger grabbed her by the shoulders and held a part of the broken window frame over her head menacingly. "Hand over Seth, or this girl gets it on her crown good and hard like her friend." Everyone instantly paused.
"Roger, what are you doing?" cried Aunt Linda in distress. Uncle Roger didn't answer, except to growl fiercely.
"No, No, Uncle Roger, I'm supposed to go into my heartrending oration about how I'm willing to sacrifice my liberty and take Seth's place so he can go free!" Laura looked morose.
"Well, it's too late for a pathetic elocution. We've dilly dallied long enough with these blackhearts." Uncle Roger glared evilly at Jenny, Chrissy, and Maxwell. "This one's for the Republican Party!" He raised the windowpane even higher in the air and was about to bring it down on poor 99's head, when Chrissy gave on of her piercing screeches. It startled Uncle Roger so much that he dropped the window frame (not on 99's head, thank goodness.)
"Ayah!" Chrissy dove at Uncle Roger and sent him crashing to the floor.
Jenny wiped her bloody nose and then followed in suit. "No one picks on my friends and lives to tell about it!" She tackled Uncle Roger who was trying to regain his footing.
Seth stared at the pandemonium and yelled, "Stop! No one is gonna beat up anybody!"
Max looked up from his position in the railing. "Spoilsport. That was an excellent performance."
"You're right; I am a spoilsport, but I don't want my good friends beating up my relatives."
"But your uncle was trying to kill 99!" Chrissy protested angrily. 99 nodded in agreement, rubbing her shoulders.
"He was only trying to protect me," Seth paused, "I think."
Uncle Roger got to his feet. "I admit I got carried away, and I'm sorry." He tried to pat 99's shoulders, but 99 eschewed his gesture just in time.
"Should we send them away for you?" asked Jenny.
"Look, I love you guys, but these *are* my relatives and they *do* have the real custody over me." Seth ran a hand through his sandy brown hair as he stared at Chrissy. "I'm gonna miss you all, but I have to go."
Max sniffed, oblivious to the fact that he was still stuck in the railings. All the others took the news in the same manner, though Max swore afterward that he was not sniffling. Chrissy took the news much worse. "Oh, Seth, I'm sorry about the way I've treated you, I mean, the foot thing, and I really wish I could make it up to you and I feel so terrible-oh I *know* I'm going to cry."
She began to sob, but Seth placed a hand lovingly on her shoulder. "It's all right, Chrissy; I forgive you."
The wailing instantly stopped. "Okay." she ran over to Smart. "Are you all right?"
"Geesh, what a fickle woman." Seth rolled his eyes in disgust. "There goes *that* romance." He walked over to his family. "I'm ready to go now."
His relatives stared uncomfortably at each other. "Well, we were thinking," Aunt Linda began tentatively.
"Yah," interrupted Laura, "and we decided that we want you to- to-"
"Stay in Chicago with your friends," Uncle Roger finished.
Seth stared at his family incredulously as the sheer brilliancy of the idea sunk in. "You'd let me stay?"
"Well," Uncle Roger began, "I was really only trying to make amends but-"
"He means yes," Aunt Linda interrupted her ranting brother.
"Woo Hoo! I can stay in Chicago with you guys!" Seth grabbed Chrissy, who was intently conversing with Maxwell Smart at the moment, and spun her around. Still not thinking, he leaned forward and kissed her on the lips!
Chrissy sputtered at this romantic gesture, but suddenly she smiled and kissed him back! "Well, you certainly know how to sweep a lady off her feet," Jenny exclaimed.
"He takes after a pro, you know," Max quipped. Everyone rolled his or her eyes.
"As long as it's him kissing her and not me," 99 concluded solemnly. Then she smiled superiorly at Max as she added, "Though I wouldn't mind getting all that attention from a handsome young man like Seth."
"Well, I guess that clinches the proposition," said Aunt Linda. "You'll stay here with these secret agents, since they obviously have your best interest at heart." Aunt Linda realized it was the first time she hadn't sighed when she spoke the words "secret agents," so to make up for it, she sighed twice.
"But I want you to take me away!" Seth exclaimed suddenly. "Or I'll kill Max!"
"What the heck are you talking about?" demanded Uncle Roger.
"Well, it seems that a very devious KAOS agent named Conrad Siegfried has brainwashed your nephew to dispose of me," explained Smart.
"Oh," said Roger very calmly. Then, as the realization of what Max had said sunk in, he bellowed, "WHAT?!"
"He's the one who kidnapped me to begin with," Seth piped up. "That's why Max and 99 invited me to stay here while Siggy's on his honeymoon. They are trying to unbrainwash me by the time they get back."
"You were STAYING with an ENEMY AGENT!" shouted Roger. "Don't you realize that Conrad is trying to get to me by kidnapping you? After you killed off Smart, he was probably going to have you kill me!"
"So that's what his plan is!" exclaimed Smart in revelation. "Of course, I knew that all the time. I was just keeping a low profile." Nobody believed him.
Jenny wandered over to 99 and tapped her shoulder urgently. "Not now, Jenny, this is really important." 99 stared at her, completely peeved at her interruption.
"This conversation is very interesting, but don't you care for your husband's welfare?" Jenny gestured at the staircase. " If you hadn't noticed, Max is still stuck in the railings."
"Oh, Max, we're so sorry!" 99 fled to Max's side and tried to pull his head out. "We forgot all about you." Jenny shook her head and ran to the kitchen.
"That's all right, I wasn't in any hurry." Max tried to turn his head to look at 99, who was now employed in unscrewing the railing futilely. "But we're not married. That was just a silly cover." 99 frowned as she continued her work.
"Maybe this can get him out," Jenny ventured as he entered the room with a dish of butter and a loaf of bread.
99 stopped to remark, "How can you think of your stomach at a time like this?"
Jenny gazed at the items in her hands and shook her head. "The bread is for me; the butter's for Max's head. We'll use this greasy stuff to lubricate his noggin just like a mechanic uses oil to lubricate a car."
"That's fine if you want to oil your car, but you're not practicing on me." Max shook his head, and as a result, it became stuck in an awkward angle.
Seth came in from the garage carrying a saw. "I'll set Max free! You morons better get out of the way, cause I'm armed and dangerous."
To Be Continued!
"MAX! 99! JENNY! SETH!" Chrissy screamed as she descended the stairs. In fact, she was so busy shouting out names that she didn't see who was leaning on the railing at the bottom of the stairs until she had collided head on with him! As result, she and Seth were sent sprawling to the floor.
Max glanced at the two bodies lying in a tangled heap on the ground. "Now there's something you don't see everyday," he commented in his usual simpering manner.
Seth rubbed his elbow, and painfully got to his feet. "I feel like I was just stampeded by thousands of screaming fans."
"Well, you're not that far off from the truth." Max helped Chrissy to her feet.
Max expected a word of thanks for his assistance, but instead all Chrissy said was, "Guys, look, there are spies outside, spies that are armed and dangerous!" The agents stared blankly at her for an instant, and then they all burst out laughing.
"Spies! That's a great one!" chortled Seth, who knew very well that Chrissy was most likely telling the truth.
"That girl definitely has a sense of humor!" 99 interjected between laughs. Aside, she whispered to Max. "Siegfried must be back! We must protect Seth from him!."
"Her humor almost surpasses my own," Max joked. Quietly, he remarked, "I've got everything under control, just act naturally."
Now Jenny did not find the situation hilarious. In fact, she was the only one that believed she was lying, so she scolded her sister. "I'm ashamed of you, Chrissy."
Chrissy has endured the laughter with patience and a crimsoned face- after all, Seth, 99, and Max all knew that their neighbors were espionage experts and might be watching them- but her sister's criticism was too much. Instead of getting angry and yelling, she quietly walked over to the window that faced Conrad's house and pulled up the blinds to reveal a terrified Linda, a flabbergasted Uncle Roger, and a star-struck Laura. What was Mr. Smith doing? He was standing calmly outside, his gun pointed at the window.
The agents looked at Mr. Smith, looked at the gun, looked at themselves, and then decided to forgo their bravado and follow natural human instincts. 99 slid under a coffee table, which was a ridiculous place to hide since her long legs stuck out from underneath. Jenny just hid behind the couch, for she was scared stiff and couldn't think of anywhere else to go. Seth sought refuge in the coat closet, and Max hid on the stairs. Actually, he had been trying to run up the stairs, but remembering his tumble of the night before, he had become literally paralyzed with fear halfway up. Chrissy was screaming, petrified, while she picked up the nearest weapon, a shot glass full of Scotch, and was bravely waiting for the intruders.
Laura watched these whole proceedings from outside, fascinated. "How are we gonna get inside to save Seth?"
"Simple, since the window is locked, I'll break it open with my gun and unlock it form the inside. Then we simply climb in." Mr. Smith proceeded to do just that, except he accidentally stuck his empty hand into the window instead.
"Uh, that wasn't right," Laura pronounced diplomatically. Mr. Smith stared at his mauled hand and fled, howling in pain.
"Well, the window is opened anyhow!" Uncle Roger said. After unlocking it carefully, he open it all the way and then climbed in. Laura and Linda followed in suit.
As soon as she entered the mansion, Linda headed straight for the coat closet. "Seth, it's your sister Laura!" she called and waited for a response. When none came, she continued, "You do remember me, don't ya?"
"Of course I remember you," came the muffled reply, "I was just trying to figure out if it was really you speaking, or an assassin mimicking your voice."
Chrissy opened her mouth to speak and immediately took a swig of the Scotch in her hand. She opened her mouth again and made a horrible gagging noise. "Oh, this drink is awful!" she cried, wiping her mouth as if that would make the disgusting taste disappear. "How can you drink this stuff?"
Roger gazed at the glass and then at the choking Chrissy. "Women." He wandered over to the closet tripping on 99's legs in the process. "Seth Lennard Loin, This is your Uncle Roger speaking. I command you come out of the closet now!"
There was several scuffling noises and then came the reply, "The closet door won't open! It stuck good and proper," added Seth from behind the door.
"Oh! Good heavens! Seth!" Chrissy race to the closet and likewise tripped on 99. "99, get out from under the table," she ordered in exasperation. 99 did several contortions and managed to crawl out from under the coffee table.
Suddenly, Max yelled, "Argh!" when he peaked through one of the stair railings, getting his head stuck in the process. He jolted back and forth, but to no avail. He was stuck tightly, just like Seth.
Jenny popped up from behind the couch and stared at Max in dismay and disgust. "A fine kettle of fish *you've* gotten yourself into, Smart."
"I bet it's your fault that all these strangers are attacking us," Chrissy added angrily.
"Why me?" Smart asked indignantly.
"Why not you?" Chrissy countered.
"The reason we're here is because you kidnapped our nephew," Aunt Linda explained impatiently. "We are not going to have you arrested, though, because you're (sigh) secret agents."
"That's very kind of you," said Max half sarcastically and half jovially. Then he proceeded to rattle the railings and shout, "Get me out, 99!"
"If you're not going to arrest us, who was that man with the gun?" 99 inquired suspiciously.
Clapping her hands in acknowledgment, Jenny said impertinently, "You can't ignore that factor now can you? I mean why else would a person have a gun?"
"Unless he wanted to kill us," interjected Max from his uncomfortable position in the railings. Jenny and Chrissy exchanged a glance that only each other could understand and raced at their assailants.
Unfortunately, at that moment 99 pried the closet door open and Jenny was conked in the head by the opened door. "Oh, bloody!" she groaned as she landed on the floor, clutching her nose and head.
99 turned in concern to look at Jenny, and in that brief moment, Uncle Roger grabbed her by the shoulders and held a part of the broken window frame over her head menacingly. "Hand over Seth, or this girl gets it on her crown good and hard like her friend." Everyone instantly paused.
"Roger, what are you doing?" cried Aunt Linda in distress. Uncle Roger didn't answer, except to growl fiercely.
"No, No, Uncle Roger, I'm supposed to go into my heartrending oration about how I'm willing to sacrifice my liberty and take Seth's place so he can go free!" Laura looked morose.
"Well, it's too late for a pathetic elocution. We've dilly dallied long enough with these blackhearts." Uncle Roger glared evilly at Jenny, Chrissy, and Maxwell. "This one's for the Republican Party!" He raised the windowpane even higher in the air and was about to bring it down on poor 99's head, when Chrissy gave on of her piercing screeches. It startled Uncle Roger so much that he dropped the window frame (not on 99's head, thank goodness.)
"Ayah!" Chrissy dove at Uncle Roger and sent him crashing to the floor.
Jenny wiped her bloody nose and then followed in suit. "No one picks on my friends and lives to tell about it!" She tackled Uncle Roger who was trying to regain his footing.
Seth stared at the pandemonium and yelled, "Stop! No one is gonna beat up anybody!"
Max looked up from his position in the railing. "Spoilsport. That was an excellent performance."
"You're right; I am a spoilsport, but I don't want my good friends beating up my relatives."
"But your uncle was trying to kill 99!" Chrissy protested angrily. 99 nodded in agreement, rubbing her shoulders.
"He was only trying to protect me," Seth paused, "I think."
Uncle Roger got to his feet. "I admit I got carried away, and I'm sorry." He tried to pat 99's shoulders, but 99 eschewed his gesture just in time.
"Should we send them away for you?" asked Jenny.
"Look, I love you guys, but these *are* my relatives and they *do* have the real custody over me." Seth ran a hand through his sandy brown hair as he stared at Chrissy. "I'm gonna miss you all, but I have to go."
Max sniffed, oblivious to the fact that he was still stuck in the railings. All the others took the news in the same manner, though Max swore afterward that he was not sniffling. Chrissy took the news much worse. "Oh, Seth, I'm sorry about the way I've treated you, I mean, the foot thing, and I really wish I could make it up to you and I feel so terrible-oh I *know* I'm going to cry."
She began to sob, but Seth placed a hand lovingly on her shoulder. "It's all right, Chrissy; I forgive you."
The wailing instantly stopped. "Okay." she ran over to Smart. "Are you all right?"
"Geesh, what a fickle woman." Seth rolled his eyes in disgust. "There goes *that* romance." He walked over to his family. "I'm ready to go now."
His relatives stared uncomfortably at each other. "Well, we were thinking," Aunt Linda began tentatively.
"Yah," interrupted Laura, "and we decided that we want you to- to-"
"Stay in Chicago with your friends," Uncle Roger finished.
Seth stared at his family incredulously as the sheer brilliancy of the idea sunk in. "You'd let me stay?"
"Well," Uncle Roger began, "I was really only trying to make amends but-"
"He means yes," Aunt Linda interrupted her ranting brother.
"Woo Hoo! I can stay in Chicago with you guys!" Seth grabbed Chrissy, who was intently conversing with Maxwell Smart at the moment, and spun her around. Still not thinking, he leaned forward and kissed her on the lips!
Chrissy sputtered at this romantic gesture, but suddenly she smiled and kissed him back! "Well, you certainly know how to sweep a lady off her feet," Jenny exclaimed.
"He takes after a pro, you know," Max quipped. Everyone rolled his or her eyes.
"As long as it's him kissing her and not me," 99 concluded solemnly. Then she smiled superiorly at Max as she added, "Though I wouldn't mind getting all that attention from a handsome young man like Seth."
"Well, I guess that clinches the proposition," said Aunt Linda. "You'll stay here with these secret agents, since they obviously have your best interest at heart." Aunt Linda realized it was the first time she hadn't sighed when she spoke the words "secret agents," so to make up for it, she sighed twice.
"But I want you to take me away!" Seth exclaimed suddenly. "Or I'll kill Max!"
"What the heck are you talking about?" demanded Uncle Roger.
"Well, it seems that a very devious KAOS agent named Conrad Siegfried has brainwashed your nephew to dispose of me," explained Smart.
"Oh," said Roger very calmly. Then, as the realization of what Max had said sunk in, he bellowed, "WHAT?!"
"He's the one who kidnapped me to begin with," Seth piped up. "That's why Max and 99 invited me to stay here while Siggy's on his honeymoon. They are trying to unbrainwash me by the time they get back."
"You were STAYING with an ENEMY AGENT!" shouted Roger. "Don't you realize that Conrad is trying to get to me by kidnapping you? After you killed off Smart, he was probably going to have you kill me!"
"So that's what his plan is!" exclaimed Smart in revelation. "Of course, I knew that all the time. I was just keeping a low profile." Nobody believed him.
Jenny wandered over to 99 and tapped her shoulder urgently. "Not now, Jenny, this is really important." 99 stared at her, completely peeved at her interruption.
"This conversation is very interesting, but don't you care for your husband's welfare?" Jenny gestured at the staircase. " If you hadn't noticed, Max is still stuck in the railings."
"Oh, Max, we're so sorry!" 99 fled to Max's side and tried to pull his head out. "We forgot all about you." Jenny shook her head and ran to the kitchen.
"That's all right, I wasn't in any hurry." Max tried to turn his head to look at 99, who was now employed in unscrewing the railing futilely. "But we're not married. That was just a silly cover." 99 frowned as she continued her work.
"Maybe this can get him out," Jenny ventured as he entered the room with a dish of butter and a loaf of bread.
99 stopped to remark, "How can you think of your stomach at a time like this?"
Jenny gazed at the items in her hands and shook her head. "The bread is for me; the butter's for Max's head. We'll use this greasy stuff to lubricate his noggin just like a mechanic uses oil to lubricate a car."
"That's fine if you want to oil your car, but you're not practicing on me." Max shook his head, and as a result, it became stuck in an awkward angle.
Seth came in from the garage carrying a saw. "I'll set Max free! You morons better get out of the way, cause I'm armed and dangerous."
To Be Continued!