Chapter Six: Missed It By That Much!
"Oh, my gosh!" screamed 99. "Stop him! He's a homicidal maniac! He's going to cut Max's head off instead of the railing."
"Hey, he won't be stuck anymore!" Seth said cheerfully. 99 almost fainted at the thought of her poor Max's head severed from his body.
"You know, he has a point," remarked Smart stupidly.
"MAX, you'll be dead then!" shrieked Chrissy.
"When you put it that way . . ." Max began to squirm frantically in his uncomfortable position on the stairs.
At this moment, Roger tackled Seth, who immediately began to attack him instead. 99 swooned, while Chrissy began her screeching again. Laura grabbed the saw from her insane brother. She proceeded to cut the railing in two, and Max was set free. But Seth was still trying to strangle his uncle!
"Let me handle this," said Agent 86 as he headed downstairs, tripping on the inert body of 99. Unfortunately, his neck disagreed. It was so stiff he couldn't turn his head. "Jenny, you take over," he moaned as he sat back on the bottom step.
Jenny was about to reply when an enraged voice filled the room. "Vat is going on here?" Conrad Siegfried stepped into the room, silencing the chaotic crowd with his menacing appearance.
Seth placed his arm around Conrad and gazed admiringly at his brainwasher. "We're a great team, aren't we?"
"Nein, Nein! You vere supposed to kill Schmart and zen ze shtupid congressman! You messed up ze whole sequence!" Conrad stamped his feet like a spoiled child.
Seth looked at his feet in utter shame. "Sorry about that, Chief," he muttered.
Siegfried glared at Max. "I supposed he learned zat from you," he accused his archenemy.
"I don't have the faintest idea what you're talking about, Siegfried," replied Max. "Have you thought about going to a psychologist? Mine's really good. Oops, you weren't supposed to know that!"
99 revived and asked, "What's going on?"
"I'm about to kill your lover-boy!" Seth bellowed in a crazed tone that frightened 99 so much, she promptly fainted again.
"It figures," Max grumbled as Seth prepared to murder him with the railing Laura had cut. "Leave it to a woman to faint at a time like this." He bent over to help 99, causing Seth's aim to miss him and hit the wall.
Max looked over his shoulder in confusion. Suddenly, the light dawned. "Aha!" he crowed, moving his two fingers slightly apart. "Missed it by that much!"
"I think it adds to the room," offered Jenny, indicating the large hole that now adorned the stairwell.
Siggy baby was clearly not amused at this superfluous remark. "Kill him, you addlepated twit in boy's clothing!"
Just then, Alice walked into the room in a black negligee. "Siggy, when are you coming to bed?"
"NEVER!" Siggy bellowed, terrified at the sight of his wife in such a revealing outfit.
"May I ask why you married her if you never want to--?" Max began.
"ZIS IS KAOS, VE DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS HERE!" screeched the irate agent.
"WELL SORRY!" he yelled back.
99 revived again. "Oh, Max!" she said, "That's very sweet of you, but it's not your fault that I fainted. Oh, and could you keep your voice down?"
"I wasn't talking to you, 99; I was talking to Siegfried and his luscious wife."
99 jumped to her feet and smacked Max so hard he swore he saw stars.
"Now, can I kill him?" whined Seth.
"Please, don't!" entreated Smart. "We're just five girls and two guys looking for a good time . . . and loving it!"
"Vat does zat have to do vith anyzing?" Siegfried demanded.
"Uh . . . Would you believe . . ."
"NO!"
"I'm so glad that tire broke and I met up with you, Siegfried, cause there's nowhere else I'd rather be at this moment." Seth smiled and gazed at his friend, and he knew that whatever lay ahead it was bound to be something crazy and great. Little did he realize that the worse was yet to come!
Suddenly, Starker entered the room. "May I say something?"
"NO!" everyone simultaneously cried. He shrugged and left the room as quickly as he had come.
"When can I KILL!" growled Seth in a beast-like voice.
"Now, preferably," snapped Siggy impatiently.
Roger took this opportune time to use the part of the window frame on his nephew's head. "Whew, now we can have some peace and quiet."
"Yes, Conrad, let's go back to your house," cooed Alice in a coaxing voice.
"Vell . . ." Before Siegfried could answer, Roger hit him over the head in the same manner as he had done to his nephew.
99 rushed over to the nearest phone to call for the policemen and fellow CONTROL agents. Very shortly they arrived and arrested Conrad von Siegfried and Starker. Alice followed behind her husband, moaning something about injustice.
"Well, that about wraps up another case," Max chirped.
"What about Seth?" 99 inquired. "He's still a psychopath killer!"
"We'll just take him to CONTROL tomorrow and they'll straighten him out," said Smart. "In the meantime, we'll lock him back in the closet."
"I want to go with him!" whined Laura. "It's not fair that I can't be part of all this mayhem!"
"Fine, if you want Seth to kill you, go right ahead," Jenny responded.
"On second thought, I think a luxurious hotel room would be much preferable," Laura tittered nervously.
Roger and Linda both agreed and took their niece into town to find suitable lodgings. Jenny bade goodnight to the two agents before she and Chrissy ascended to their bedrooms.
After locking Seth in the closet, Max leaned on the door in satisfaction. "Well, 99, before I retire, how about a goodnight kiss?"
"Oh, Max!" she gushed, reddening. The two leaned forward for a kiss, but just at that moment, Seth banged menacingly on the door. The couple shrieked in surprise and bounded up the stairs, forgetting all about the kiss.
***************
Hymie was a jovial soul with a capacity for knowledge that was difficult to measure up to. In plain English: he was a robot. He lived at CONTROL HQ, where Seth was taken by express jet the following day and was supposed to help the deluded boy with his anti-brainwash therapy. As they worked together, Seth became good chums with the intellectual Hymie, which turned out to be a hindrance, rather than a help, to Seth's recovery. Soon, they were talking about everything but Seth's problem.
"Agent 99 is a wonderful woman," Hymie was saying. "She's been with the agency for two years now, and I can't imagine what we would do without her. She is so intelligent and resourceful, a perfect counterbalance to Smart."
"I know all about 99," retorted Seth. "She's one of Max' employees."
"Employees!" Hymie shouted. "She can't be Max's employee because there are no employees in an agency! All the spies are in it together. Besides, if you are talking about superiors, Chief is the head of CONTROL, but he's not technically their employer. 99's a partner in the business with Max, and they're best friends. They're a team, like Steed and Gale, or Steed and Peel. They're *secret agents*." He said the last word in such a dignified manner that Seth visualized two eccentric looking spies in trench-coats, sneaking around back alleys in search of valuable clues.
"I know all that," scoffed Seth. "I also know they're much groovier than Steel and Peed."
"Steed and Peel." Now it was Hymie's turn to scoff. That is, if a robot could scoff.
"Whatever," Seth replied uninterestedly. He mused for a short duration and suddenly asked, "Wait a minute, if they're only friends, how come they're always posing as husband and wife and getting all gushy?"
Hymie shrugged in an undiplomatic way. "I don't know. Spies are funny that way. But how do you know all this?"
"Because I-" began Seth.
At that moment, Chrissy burst into the room where Hymie and Seth were situated. "Max is laughing at me, and I can't stand anyone who doesn't appreciate my charm and style." She began to pout most noticeably as she slunk onto the sofa.
"You mean Agent 86, Maxwell Smart?" asked the ignorant Hymie.
"Of course." Chrissy stared at him as if he were an extraterrestrial being.
Hymie rose from his seat slowly. "Wh-what? You're friends with *the* Maxwell Smart?"
"We were living with him and 99 while Siegfried was on his honeymoon," Seth casually explained.
"You *lived* with Maxwell Smart? That's not fair! I never got to live at his apartment even though he is my best friend!" Hymie began to cry in his strange, mechanical way, first stifling a sob then weeping loudly. He ran out of the room, pouting and sniveling hysterically.
"Ok . . ." Chrissy trailed off. "I think that robot just had a major system meltdown."
"What happened with Smart?" Seth asked Chrissy once Hymie's wails were out of earshot.
"99, Max and this bald man, Chief, were discussing Siegfried's plea of innocence to the court. I couldn't help but notice that Max had I nice big tear in the suit he was wearing. I grabbed his arm where the rip was and said before he could begin another ignorant sentence, 'Excuse me Max, there's a tear in your sleeve. It wouldn't take but a minute for me to sew it up for you.'
'Thank you, Chrissy, how considerate of you," Max replied serenely, but with a terribly mischievous glint in his eye. 'Do you want me to remove my shirt now, or would you rather leave the room and wait while I change into a different shirt?'" Chrissy sighed tearfully, her face aflame, before continuing the embarrassing tale. "This produced more than a few horrified and mortified stares from Agent 99 and Chief, and Chief just had to make an impudent remark.
"Chief said sarcastically, 'Why don't you wait until after we're done conversing, and then you two can be alone!'
"Well, this was even more embarrassing than Max's comment, but 99 made it even worse by remarking, 'It would have been *some* date. Too bad Max and I are leaving for lunch in a few minutes.' She grabbed Smart's arm emphatically, implying that it was the end of that conversation.
"That's when I decided I didn't have time for such foolishness and left," Chrissy concluded. That was a flat out lie, but Seth didn't know that. What really happened was Chrissy, in her anger, shoved Max really hard. Then Chief told her that it was probably in her best interest if she left the vicinity.
"I'm sorry that happened, Chrissy," Seth lied. The truth was Seth thought the matter quite humorous, besides the fact that Seth really liked Chrissy and he didn't want any "Max Character" interfering in his romance. It was bad enough that Chrissy was constantly flirting with Max on a whim and then returning to him when Smart treated her poorly.
"Did Chief say anything else funny-I mean- cruel to you?" Seth asked trying to suppress his smile.
"Yes," she answered huffily, "but I don't wish to repeat the degrading message at present."
Seth knew Chrissy would eventually tell him. Just as he was devising a plan to pry the information from Chrissy, Hymie returned. "We have to finish psychoanalyzing you," the robot explained. "If I don't un-brainwash you, you'll have to be locked in a padded cell for eternity." The robot said it so pragmatically Seth almost didn't get the full seriousness of the remark.
"I'll just be running along," sniffed Chrissy. She glanced disdainfully at Hymie, making certain he saw how much she despised his company.
Seth sighed in exasperation as he leaned back on the couch. Being brainwashed by an infamous enemy agent did have its disadvantages.
To Be Continued!
"Oh, my gosh!" screamed 99. "Stop him! He's a homicidal maniac! He's going to cut Max's head off instead of the railing."
"Hey, he won't be stuck anymore!" Seth said cheerfully. 99 almost fainted at the thought of her poor Max's head severed from his body.
"You know, he has a point," remarked Smart stupidly.
"MAX, you'll be dead then!" shrieked Chrissy.
"When you put it that way . . ." Max began to squirm frantically in his uncomfortable position on the stairs.
At this moment, Roger tackled Seth, who immediately began to attack him instead. 99 swooned, while Chrissy began her screeching again. Laura grabbed the saw from her insane brother. She proceeded to cut the railing in two, and Max was set free. But Seth was still trying to strangle his uncle!
"Let me handle this," said Agent 86 as he headed downstairs, tripping on the inert body of 99. Unfortunately, his neck disagreed. It was so stiff he couldn't turn his head. "Jenny, you take over," he moaned as he sat back on the bottom step.
Jenny was about to reply when an enraged voice filled the room. "Vat is going on here?" Conrad Siegfried stepped into the room, silencing the chaotic crowd with his menacing appearance.
Seth placed his arm around Conrad and gazed admiringly at his brainwasher. "We're a great team, aren't we?"
"Nein, Nein! You vere supposed to kill Schmart and zen ze shtupid congressman! You messed up ze whole sequence!" Conrad stamped his feet like a spoiled child.
Seth looked at his feet in utter shame. "Sorry about that, Chief," he muttered.
Siegfried glared at Max. "I supposed he learned zat from you," he accused his archenemy.
"I don't have the faintest idea what you're talking about, Siegfried," replied Max. "Have you thought about going to a psychologist? Mine's really good. Oops, you weren't supposed to know that!"
99 revived and asked, "What's going on?"
"I'm about to kill your lover-boy!" Seth bellowed in a crazed tone that frightened 99 so much, she promptly fainted again.
"It figures," Max grumbled as Seth prepared to murder him with the railing Laura had cut. "Leave it to a woman to faint at a time like this." He bent over to help 99, causing Seth's aim to miss him and hit the wall.
Max looked over his shoulder in confusion. Suddenly, the light dawned. "Aha!" he crowed, moving his two fingers slightly apart. "Missed it by that much!"
"I think it adds to the room," offered Jenny, indicating the large hole that now adorned the stairwell.
Siggy baby was clearly not amused at this superfluous remark. "Kill him, you addlepated twit in boy's clothing!"
Just then, Alice walked into the room in a black negligee. "Siggy, when are you coming to bed?"
"NEVER!" Siggy bellowed, terrified at the sight of his wife in such a revealing outfit.
"May I ask why you married her if you never want to--?" Max began.
"ZIS IS KAOS, VE DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS HERE!" screeched the irate agent.
"WELL SORRY!" he yelled back.
99 revived again. "Oh, Max!" she said, "That's very sweet of you, but it's not your fault that I fainted. Oh, and could you keep your voice down?"
"I wasn't talking to you, 99; I was talking to Siegfried and his luscious wife."
99 jumped to her feet and smacked Max so hard he swore he saw stars.
"Now, can I kill him?" whined Seth.
"Please, don't!" entreated Smart. "We're just five girls and two guys looking for a good time . . . and loving it!"
"Vat does zat have to do vith anyzing?" Siegfried demanded.
"Uh . . . Would you believe . . ."
"NO!"
"I'm so glad that tire broke and I met up with you, Siegfried, cause there's nowhere else I'd rather be at this moment." Seth smiled and gazed at his friend, and he knew that whatever lay ahead it was bound to be something crazy and great. Little did he realize that the worse was yet to come!
Suddenly, Starker entered the room. "May I say something?"
"NO!" everyone simultaneously cried. He shrugged and left the room as quickly as he had come.
"When can I KILL!" growled Seth in a beast-like voice.
"Now, preferably," snapped Siggy impatiently.
Roger took this opportune time to use the part of the window frame on his nephew's head. "Whew, now we can have some peace and quiet."
"Yes, Conrad, let's go back to your house," cooed Alice in a coaxing voice.
"Vell . . ." Before Siegfried could answer, Roger hit him over the head in the same manner as he had done to his nephew.
99 rushed over to the nearest phone to call for the policemen and fellow CONTROL agents. Very shortly they arrived and arrested Conrad von Siegfried and Starker. Alice followed behind her husband, moaning something about injustice.
"Well, that about wraps up another case," Max chirped.
"What about Seth?" 99 inquired. "He's still a psychopath killer!"
"We'll just take him to CONTROL tomorrow and they'll straighten him out," said Smart. "In the meantime, we'll lock him back in the closet."
"I want to go with him!" whined Laura. "It's not fair that I can't be part of all this mayhem!"
"Fine, if you want Seth to kill you, go right ahead," Jenny responded.
"On second thought, I think a luxurious hotel room would be much preferable," Laura tittered nervously.
Roger and Linda both agreed and took their niece into town to find suitable lodgings. Jenny bade goodnight to the two agents before she and Chrissy ascended to their bedrooms.
After locking Seth in the closet, Max leaned on the door in satisfaction. "Well, 99, before I retire, how about a goodnight kiss?"
"Oh, Max!" she gushed, reddening. The two leaned forward for a kiss, but just at that moment, Seth banged menacingly on the door. The couple shrieked in surprise and bounded up the stairs, forgetting all about the kiss.
***************
Hymie was a jovial soul with a capacity for knowledge that was difficult to measure up to. In plain English: he was a robot. He lived at CONTROL HQ, where Seth was taken by express jet the following day and was supposed to help the deluded boy with his anti-brainwash therapy. As they worked together, Seth became good chums with the intellectual Hymie, which turned out to be a hindrance, rather than a help, to Seth's recovery. Soon, they were talking about everything but Seth's problem.
"Agent 99 is a wonderful woman," Hymie was saying. "She's been with the agency for two years now, and I can't imagine what we would do without her. She is so intelligent and resourceful, a perfect counterbalance to Smart."
"I know all about 99," retorted Seth. "She's one of Max' employees."
"Employees!" Hymie shouted. "She can't be Max's employee because there are no employees in an agency! All the spies are in it together. Besides, if you are talking about superiors, Chief is the head of CONTROL, but he's not technically their employer. 99's a partner in the business with Max, and they're best friends. They're a team, like Steed and Gale, or Steed and Peel. They're *secret agents*." He said the last word in such a dignified manner that Seth visualized two eccentric looking spies in trench-coats, sneaking around back alleys in search of valuable clues.
"I know all that," scoffed Seth. "I also know they're much groovier than Steel and Peed."
"Steed and Peel." Now it was Hymie's turn to scoff. That is, if a robot could scoff.
"Whatever," Seth replied uninterestedly. He mused for a short duration and suddenly asked, "Wait a minute, if they're only friends, how come they're always posing as husband and wife and getting all gushy?"
Hymie shrugged in an undiplomatic way. "I don't know. Spies are funny that way. But how do you know all this?"
"Because I-" began Seth.
At that moment, Chrissy burst into the room where Hymie and Seth were situated. "Max is laughing at me, and I can't stand anyone who doesn't appreciate my charm and style." She began to pout most noticeably as she slunk onto the sofa.
"You mean Agent 86, Maxwell Smart?" asked the ignorant Hymie.
"Of course." Chrissy stared at him as if he were an extraterrestrial being.
Hymie rose from his seat slowly. "Wh-what? You're friends with *the* Maxwell Smart?"
"We were living with him and 99 while Siegfried was on his honeymoon," Seth casually explained.
"You *lived* with Maxwell Smart? That's not fair! I never got to live at his apartment even though he is my best friend!" Hymie began to cry in his strange, mechanical way, first stifling a sob then weeping loudly. He ran out of the room, pouting and sniveling hysterically.
"Ok . . ." Chrissy trailed off. "I think that robot just had a major system meltdown."
"What happened with Smart?" Seth asked Chrissy once Hymie's wails were out of earshot.
"99, Max and this bald man, Chief, were discussing Siegfried's plea of innocence to the court. I couldn't help but notice that Max had I nice big tear in the suit he was wearing. I grabbed his arm where the rip was and said before he could begin another ignorant sentence, 'Excuse me Max, there's a tear in your sleeve. It wouldn't take but a minute for me to sew it up for you.'
'Thank you, Chrissy, how considerate of you," Max replied serenely, but with a terribly mischievous glint in his eye. 'Do you want me to remove my shirt now, or would you rather leave the room and wait while I change into a different shirt?'" Chrissy sighed tearfully, her face aflame, before continuing the embarrassing tale. "This produced more than a few horrified and mortified stares from Agent 99 and Chief, and Chief just had to make an impudent remark.
"Chief said sarcastically, 'Why don't you wait until after we're done conversing, and then you two can be alone!'
"Well, this was even more embarrassing than Max's comment, but 99 made it even worse by remarking, 'It would have been *some* date. Too bad Max and I are leaving for lunch in a few minutes.' She grabbed Smart's arm emphatically, implying that it was the end of that conversation.
"That's when I decided I didn't have time for such foolishness and left," Chrissy concluded. That was a flat out lie, but Seth didn't know that. What really happened was Chrissy, in her anger, shoved Max really hard. Then Chief told her that it was probably in her best interest if she left the vicinity.
"I'm sorry that happened, Chrissy," Seth lied. The truth was Seth thought the matter quite humorous, besides the fact that Seth really liked Chrissy and he didn't want any "Max Character" interfering in his romance. It was bad enough that Chrissy was constantly flirting with Max on a whim and then returning to him when Smart treated her poorly.
"Did Chief say anything else funny-I mean- cruel to you?" Seth asked trying to suppress his smile.
"Yes," she answered huffily, "but I don't wish to repeat the degrading message at present."
Seth knew Chrissy would eventually tell him. Just as he was devising a plan to pry the information from Chrissy, Hymie returned. "We have to finish psychoanalyzing you," the robot explained. "If I don't un-brainwash you, you'll have to be locked in a padded cell for eternity." The robot said it so pragmatically Seth almost didn't get the full seriousness of the remark.
"I'll just be running along," sniffed Chrissy. She glanced disdainfully at Hymie, making certain he saw how much she despised his company.
Seth sighed in exasperation as he leaned back on the couch. Being brainwashed by an infamous enemy agent did have its disadvantages.
To Be Continued!