Chapter 6
"Grace Honey, what are you doing home so early?" Karen asked as I entered her bedroom.
I plopped myself down on her bed and laid there for a minute while I tried to gather my thoughts.
Karen tossed the book she was reading aside and sat up in bed. "Grace, the suspense is killing me; tell me what happened with Will."
"It went fine Karen, I told him everything, and we're ok. He wanted me to stay with him while I get everything sorted out, but I told him it wasn't a good idea. We didn't even eat dinner, we talked on the walk back here, he listened to everything I had to say and he agreed to let me work this out on my own. He said he'd be there for me if I needed anything, but he wouldn't push me."
"Well, see there honey, I told you everything would be ok."
"But it's not ok Karen, I'm getting a divorce, there's nothing ok about that. Will and I are further apart than we've ever been in the last 15 years and I feel completely lost and alone. Karen, I don't want to be a divorced woman."
"Grace, things are going to work out for you. I don't know what's going to happen any more than anyone else, but I do know that things are going to work out and you're going to be ok. You may feel alone right now, but you're not. You've got me, and even though you're not ready to let him in just yet, you've still got Will. Grace, you're friends care about you and we're not going to let anything happen to you."
"I just feel overwhelmed, work, home, everything is just out of control and I feel like I'm drowning." I told Karen as I began to sob. Once I started crying I couldn't stop. I grabbed a pillow and buried my face in it. Karen rubbed my back and combed her fingers through my hair as I continued to sob, completely unable to gain control of my emotions. I cried for what seemed like an eternity until finally I was too tired to cry anymore. Every muscle in my body ached and it took all of my strength to sit up and wipe the tears off my face. "Aw Karen, how did my life become such a mess? I'm not eating, I can't sleep, I cry at the drop of a hat. My life is spinning out of control Karen, and I don't even care enough to try to fix it."
"Well, then I guess you're pretty lucky that I care enough to help you fix it. Karen said with a smile. You'll have plenty of sleepless nights Grace, and that, just like these crying spells are just going to have to run their course." Karen said as she tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. "Now your appetite is another story. Whether you're hungry or not, you need to eat. I don't care if you have to force yourself; I want to see you eat three meals a day. You're on a very unhealthy path Grace, and the last thing you need is an eating disorder. I don't know how much weight you've lost, but I know most of you're clothes are practically falling off you." I shifted my eyes to the floor as Karen continued. "I'm going to have a dinner plate brought up here and I'm going to watch you eat." I felt like a disobedient child as I listened to Karen. What she didn't realize, I thought to myself as she continued talking, was that I enjoyed not eating. As self destructive as it was, I enjoyed the hunger pains. I found pleasure in getting dressed in the morning and seeing how sickly I looked. The dark circles under my eyes that I hid with makeup so only I would know how unhealthy I had become, was only one of several symptoms I was experiencing. Funny how Karen thought my attempts to starve myself was something new. This had been going on for months; pretty much since Leo first left for Africa. And truth be told, it was one of the many things Leo and I had been arguing about since he got home.
"Grace why don't you go get into some pajamas and wash up while I have cook bring up a dinner plate for you." Karen said with a look of authority that told me I didn't have any choice but to eat.
Karen called down to cook and while she was on the phone I went to my room to wash my face and put on some pajamas.
By the time I made it back to Karen's room my dinner was waiting for me. I'll eat as much I can so Karen will think my appetite is back to normal. It's not like I was anorexic and couldn't eat. I just felt the need to deprive myself of everything I had once found enjoyable.
"Karen, thank you so much for everything. If I were at home I would have just gone to bed without any dinner." I said while purposely forcing a forkful of mashed potatoes down my throat. This is really great. I hope you know I appreciate everything you're doing for me."
"Aw sweetie, don't mention it, I'm glad to help. It's been nice having you around here. You may find this hard to believe, but I actually miss the stepkiddies. I know I complain about them a lot, but I do love them. It gets lonely around here when Stan's away."
"You know something Karen?" I asked as I finished my last bite of mashed potatoes. "You talk tough, but deep down inside you're just an old softy. I'm seeing a whole new side of you and I have to admit I like it."
"Now don't go getting all touchy feely on me Grace, and don't go spreading rumors about me being "nice" or "sweet" I'll deny it and I'll spread a few rumors of my own." Karen threatened.
"Don't worry Kare, you're secret's safe with me. I said as I climbed onto Karen's bed. Who would I tell anyway? Will would never believe it and I think Jack already knows all you're little secrets."
It was true that I was seeing a whole different side to Karen. She's been wonderful. I could tell she was relieved when she saw how much of my dinner I had managed to eat, and I couldn't help but feel a little guilty because I knew tomorrow I would go back to starvation mode. I'd just have to figure out a way to get around Karen's watchful eye, which I knew wouldn't be easy. I'll worry about that tomorrow; right now I just wanted to get to bed.
"Well Karen I'm exhausted. I think I'll go to bed. Thanks again for all you're help." I said as I gave her a tight hug.
"Goodnight Grace, I'll see you in the morning."
As tired as I was, I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about how so much had changed over the last year. As bad as things were, I realized how lucky I was that things weren't worse. At least I hadn't gotten pregnant during our brief marriage. I was also lucky that Will was being so understanding and letting me handle things on my own. He usually can't help himself, he's so afraid I'll screw things up. But most of all, I was lucky to have Karen. I hated deceiving her tonight over dinner; I knew if I let her see me eat she'd stop being so suspicious. She had no clue how long this had been going on and I took advantage of her naivety. I promised myself that starting tomorrow I would work on eating better; I couldn't stand to purposely deceive Karen after all she had done for me. I would deal with it all tomorrow I thought as I started to drift off to sleep, things will be better tomorrow.
"Grace Honey, what are you doing home so early?" Karen asked as I entered her bedroom.
I plopped myself down on her bed and laid there for a minute while I tried to gather my thoughts.
Karen tossed the book she was reading aside and sat up in bed. "Grace, the suspense is killing me; tell me what happened with Will."
"It went fine Karen, I told him everything, and we're ok. He wanted me to stay with him while I get everything sorted out, but I told him it wasn't a good idea. We didn't even eat dinner, we talked on the walk back here, he listened to everything I had to say and he agreed to let me work this out on my own. He said he'd be there for me if I needed anything, but he wouldn't push me."
"Well, see there honey, I told you everything would be ok."
"But it's not ok Karen, I'm getting a divorce, there's nothing ok about that. Will and I are further apart than we've ever been in the last 15 years and I feel completely lost and alone. Karen, I don't want to be a divorced woman."
"Grace, things are going to work out for you. I don't know what's going to happen any more than anyone else, but I do know that things are going to work out and you're going to be ok. You may feel alone right now, but you're not. You've got me, and even though you're not ready to let him in just yet, you've still got Will. Grace, you're friends care about you and we're not going to let anything happen to you."
"I just feel overwhelmed, work, home, everything is just out of control and I feel like I'm drowning." I told Karen as I began to sob. Once I started crying I couldn't stop. I grabbed a pillow and buried my face in it. Karen rubbed my back and combed her fingers through my hair as I continued to sob, completely unable to gain control of my emotions. I cried for what seemed like an eternity until finally I was too tired to cry anymore. Every muscle in my body ached and it took all of my strength to sit up and wipe the tears off my face. "Aw Karen, how did my life become such a mess? I'm not eating, I can't sleep, I cry at the drop of a hat. My life is spinning out of control Karen, and I don't even care enough to try to fix it."
"Well, then I guess you're pretty lucky that I care enough to help you fix it. Karen said with a smile. You'll have plenty of sleepless nights Grace, and that, just like these crying spells are just going to have to run their course." Karen said as she tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. "Now your appetite is another story. Whether you're hungry or not, you need to eat. I don't care if you have to force yourself; I want to see you eat three meals a day. You're on a very unhealthy path Grace, and the last thing you need is an eating disorder. I don't know how much weight you've lost, but I know most of you're clothes are practically falling off you." I shifted my eyes to the floor as Karen continued. "I'm going to have a dinner plate brought up here and I'm going to watch you eat." I felt like a disobedient child as I listened to Karen. What she didn't realize, I thought to myself as she continued talking, was that I enjoyed not eating. As self destructive as it was, I enjoyed the hunger pains. I found pleasure in getting dressed in the morning and seeing how sickly I looked. The dark circles under my eyes that I hid with makeup so only I would know how unhealthy I had become, was only one of several symptoms I was experiencing. Funny how Karen thought my attempts to starve myself was something new. This had been going on for months; pretty much since Leo first left for Africa. And truth be told, it was one of the many things Leo and I had been arguing about since he got home.
"Grace why don't you go get into some pajamas and wash up while I have cook bring up a dinner plate for you." Karen said with a look of authority that told me I didn't have any choice but to eat.
Karen called down to cook and while she was on the phone I went to my room to wash my face and put on some pajamas.
By the time I made it back to Karen's room my dinner was waiting for me. I'll eat as much I can so Karen will think my appetite is back to normal. It's not like I was anorexic and couldn't eat. I just felt the need to deprive myself of everything I had once found enjoyable.
"Karen, thank you so much for everything. If I were at home I would have just gone to bed without any dinner." I said while purposely forcing a forkful of mashed potatoes down my throat. This is really great. I hope you know I appreciate everything you're doing for me."
"Aw sweetie, don't mention it, I'm glad to help. It's been nice having you around here. You may find this hard to believe, but I actually miss the stepkiddies. I know I complain about them a lot, but I do love them. It gets lonely around here when Stan's away."
"You know something Karen?" I asked as I finished my last bite of mashed potatoes. "You talk tough, but deep down inside you're just an old softy. I'm seeing a whole new side of you and I have to admit I like it."
"Now don't go getting all touchy feely on me Grace, and don't go spreading rumors about me being "nice" or "sweet" I'll deny it and I'll spread a few rumors of my own." Karen threatened.
"Don't worry Kare, you're secret's safe with me. I said as I climbed onto Karen's bed. Who would I tell anyway? Will would never believe it and I think Jack already knows all you're little secrets."
It was true that I was seeing a whole different side to Karen. She's been wonderful. I could tell she was relieved when she saw how much of my dinner I had managed to eat, and I couldn't help but feel a little guilty because I knew tomorrow I would go back to starvation mode. I'd just have to figure out a way to get around Karen's watchful eye, which I knew wouldn't be easy. I'll worry about that tomorrow; right now I just wanted to get to bed.
"Well Karen I'm exhausted. I think I'll go to bed. Thanks again for all you're help." I said as I gave her a tight hug.
"Goodnight Grace, I'll see you in the morning."
As tired as I was, I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about how so much had changed over the last year. As bad as things were, I realized how lucky I was that things weren't worse. At least I hadn't gotten pregnant during our brief marriage. I was also lucky that Will was being so understanding and letting me handle things on my own. He usually can't help himself, he's so afraid I'll screw things up. But most of all, I was lucky to have Karen. I hated deceiving her tonight over dinner; I knew if I let her see me eat she'd stop being so suspicious. She had no clue how long this had been going on and I took advantage of her naivety. I promised myself that starting tomorrow I would work on eating better; I couldn't stand to purposely deceive Karen after all she had done for me. I would deal with it all tomorrow I thought as I started to drift off to sleep, things will be better tomorrow.