Duo's POV
Absolution
by solange channonix
Chapter 1
17.04.198 AC
L3 colony cluster
I smiled to myself, bringing the glass filled with amber liquid up to the light, to see it go through and change its color. Then I brought it to my lips.
" Wait..." I muttered to myself before taking a sip.
I touched my glass with the other one, standing on the table, producing a soft clink.
" Happy Birthday, Duo !" I told myself. " Happy 18th Birthday..." I whispered and drank whole the content of the glass in one long gulp.
My lazy grin widened as I felt it burn its way down my throat. Happy 18th Birthday... I repeated in my mind, refilling the glass and tasting liquid fire on my tongue once again. I felt like drinking tonight, like having fun. After all, it was my birthday. 17th April...
A long time ago I'd decided to have it as my birth date, since I didn't know the real one. A day good as every else to have a little party every year. Just that, no one was willing to join it anymore. Pitiful... Me, such a social creature, you would say, being alone on my birthday. There was no one I could ask to come anymore, no one.
The glass fell out of my hand and onto the floor, bursting into small pieces.
I had enough.
I put my face into my hands and closed my eyes, weird red swirls appearing under my eyelids. It reminded too much of the blood...
So I opened my eyes, stood up, feeling sudden urge to go out, put my
black jacket on and went out, slamming the door shut behind me.
I went to the church. Where else would you except me to go ? Where else could I find any measure of peace ?
I prayed a bit in front of the altar, trying hard to concentrate on what I was doing, not just whisper the words mindlessly, but it was so hard to... So hard to take my mind off my past deeds, so hard not to see the shade of blood on my hands...
I repeated the words of yet another prayer, kneeling alone in the empty church, frozen in place, my mind somewhere else, so far away and so long time ago. Somewhere, somewhen... Gundam controls or a gun in my hand and the scent of blood, all around, and eyes wide with fear, slowly turning glassy and stopping to see... Hundreds of such pairs of eyes...
A soft click took me out of the trance. I looked around. A priest had taken his place in the confessional. Still, there was no one beside me and him inside the church. I stood up slowly and went to the confessional, kneeled down and recited all the formulas you're obliged to say. Then the priest told me to confess my sins, but I was silent.
His voice...
My throat was strangely clenched and I couldn't mutter a word. What had I done ? I'd killed people, many people... But it wasn't that, I'd confessed it many times in the past years, I couldn't speak because... because it was...
" Speak, son." He rushed me.
I'd met that priest once in the past already, I'd confessed to him once already, merely weeks ago, though at a different church. Now there was no way back...
I swallowed nervously.
" I killed 3529 people." I told softly, maybe too softly to hear. I hoped that...
" Two more ?" The priest asked.
He'd remembered the number. I was... caught ? on doing what ? still killing people, even after the war...
" Why are you still killing ?"
I had no answer to this, so I didn't give any. Why was I still killing ? Because I was Shinigami ? Because there was no other way for me to live ? Was it really so ? Then what kind of monster I was ?
I was waiting for him to say something more, to tell me how wicked I was, to tell me I'd go to hell, to tell me anything, but not to keep me waiting, or to show compassion. Poor little kid, forced to kill as a fifteen-years-old, who has gone mad from that. I hated to be pitied.
" Why ?" He asked louder.
I curled, my hands traveling up to hide my face, but I stopped them, clenching them into tight fists at my sides.
" They were the last. Not anymore, I pr..."
" Don't give me your word in the face of God for something you can't be sure of."
So I didn't. These two... Two young people, a man and a woman, a marriage, with a little child. I'd killed each one with a shot through the heart, so they'd had fast and painless death. I was so sorry...
" You know as well as I do that I can't give you absolution." Told the priest, sounding harsh.
I nodded and without looking at him again, stood up and turned to go away. I'd known well enough he'd say that, there was no other possibility, but still, once a few weeks I felt the need to confess yet again. Not that repeating what I'd done aloud, over and over again, was helping me much, but it was the last remainder of any human contact involving sincerity in my life and maybe I needed some.
I flinched, hearing how the priest stood up and got out of the confessional, but I didn't turn around nor stopped walking away. I had nothing more to tell him. Anyway, it was so stupid and careless, to meet the same priest twice. To avoid it, I never visited the same church twice, but it seemed not to be enough.
" You're a Gundam pilot, aren't you ? Duo Maxwell from L2 ?"
I continued to walk away. It wasn't so hard to guess who I was, pretty simple, in fact, though he had no law to be remembering what I'd said, to be checking who I was. What did he want from me ?
I stopped, several meters away from him and half-turned in his direction.
" You're from the Maxwell's orphanage..." He continued, stopping to walk as well.
" What do you want ?" I asked harshly.
" If only Father Maxwell was still alive, he would've..."
" He's ashamed of me, wherever he is." I cut him off.
" It isn't what I want to tell you. You, those who were fighting for peace, know no ways to live in the world where it's become reality, but that isn't your fault. You're not meant to suffer."
" I don't suffer." I told lamely, looking aside.
He shook his head, not acknowledging my words.
" Whatever you've done, has helped to build that peaceful world. However many people you've killed, death of every single one from them has saved the life of dozens of others."
" Why are you telling me this ?" I asked. " Anyway, isn't it that killing is a crime in your religion, no matter who you kill and what for ?! With every single man, dies a whole world, wasn't it ?"
He blinked several times, but didn't say anything.
" Tell me, what can I do to help you ?" He asked calmly after a while.
I looked up at him, standing there with endlessly patient smile on his rounded face. He was one of those who believed that most people are good and whatever they do is equally good. He was wrong thinking like that, especially about me.
" I don't need help." I told smugly.
...or rather there was no way to help me anymore... To do so, it would've be needed to turn back the time, so I could've never become Deathscythe's pilot. Only then there wouldn't have been blood on my hands and in the time of still raging war I could've be happy, while others would've suffer, while dozens of others would've suffer... But I'd sacrificed, I'd exchanged my happiness for theirs, and there was no way back now.
I'd given all away for peace, my happiness, my sanity, my future. It's been worth it, so I don't regret. It's been worth it and lives of all the people I'd killed. What kind of prize are lives of few thousands soldiers, for the lives of millions of civilians ?
I know it'd been the right thing to do well enough.
And yet I wouldn't have done it again.
" What can I do to help you ?" He asked again, ignoring my earlier words.
I really didn't need his help, I didn't, but maybe... they did ?
" Pray for the people I've killed."
Pray for the people who had paid for peace we have now with their lives, with their blood, with tears of those who'd loved them. And pray for me, their executioner.
Pray for those no one prays for, like if they didn't exist, those not entirely, but only mentally killed in wars.
" And others like me."
He nodded. I nodded back and headed to the entrance.
I was supposed to have fun tonight and I'd have it. Even if my heart
is ripped apart, I'd go somewhere noisy and have fun, doing what I'm the
best at - pretending everything's okay.
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