Echoes In The Darkness

Part Three

Two men stood facing each other and facing a past long since ignored in order to save a third. They would have to travel in time and relive the night that had gone down in their collective history as "The Shrieking Shack Incident". The night where a practical joke could have resulted in death and so much more.

It was finally time.

It was inescapable really. They were destined to be part of each other's lives no matter how much they fought against it. Severus often wondered when this would happen-- when he and Sirius would finally have it out. When they would finally be forced to discuss that night so many lifetimes ago. He had always thought that Dumbledore would force the issue for the sake of the war and their alliance; he never did. They never did. And so it was forgotten, at least outwardly. But some things…some things never really get forgotten.

One night.

One night could change the course of history. That night did. Actions had sent ripples through the oceans. Branches spread out, stretching and splintering, affecting those involved two decades later. Still affecting others, touching distant shores, in ways no one could imagine. Stretching and splintering and touching, reaching a thousand ears as it echoed through time and space and body and mind and soul.

"We need to go over that night in detail -- all of it. It's time to put it out there, for Remus's sake… and probably for our own." Sirius spoke softly, not looking at Severus' face.

Those downcast eyes held remorse. It was a capability Severus did not think Sirius possessed. "It was inevitable," Snape offered. "We at least retain the right to say we did it by choice and not by coercion. It is a small consolation, but considering all the other things we were forced to do, I find solace in knowing we still have some free will."

Sirius seemed to appreciate the sentiment, even if he perhaps did not quite believe it. " I don't know if I'd go so far as to call this free will. Truth be told, I am not terribly comfortable talking about this. I'm not proud of my actions and my reasons won't offer anything significant. Before we start, you have to understand I am truly sorry for what I almost did to you and how it could have affected Remus. I had twelve years to do nothing but think of all the mistakes I made and all the different ways it could have turned out. Suffice it to say, Dementors don't leave room for happy endings, so none of the scenarios held much pleasure."

Severus simply nodded. A peculiar numbness swept over him at these words. He felt no sympathy or compassion, which was not unusual in his dealings with Sirius. But, he also felt no disdain or anger. He felt nothing. Without a word he returned to the kitchen table and produced another cup of tea. He then sat down and waited for Black to join him.

A few minutes later, a solemn Sirius Black sat across from him and began:

"Life was so simple then, wasn't it. We rode our brooms and played Quidditch in the sun… and we laughed. We snuck out for food…for rendezvous…or just for fun. We scheduled classes around our love affairs. That's how I like to remember it anyway.

"We were four friends who met and found something in each other that we needed so much at that time in our lives. James needed adventure, Peter needed protection, Remus needed companionship, and I needed grounding. We came to school not knowing anyone, and found brothers. We loved each other, Severus. To understand how much you need to understand the difference between knowing you would die for someone and knowing you would kill for them. It was sacrifice and it was self preservation. There was no sense of obligation. It was a love freely given, and accepted, and shared.

"And slowly, over time things started to change. James met Lily and suddenly his adventures were of a different sort. Don't get me wrong, I loved Lily. It was hard to know her and not love her. But as their bond grew the others weakened. Peter and Remus both started looking for whatever it was that James and Lily had. I was content with playing the field, casually dating and fooling around. I had my friends and my love affairs and my games. I saw no need for something deeper.

"But what was enough for me wasn't for them and that's when I noticed it - the looks. You were always looking at us, following us around, lurking in the shadows and waiting. I had always thought you were intent upon getting us in trouble, that you just wanted to catch us doing something to try to get us expelled. But then I noticed that it wasn't us you were looking at, it was him. It was Remus. You were looking at Remus the way James looked at Lily. Then something in me snapped. You weren't just looking at Remus; you were looking at my Remus. And to make matters worse, my Remus was looking at you.

"It was in a moment of jealous lucidity that I realized I loved Remus. I realized that the reason I never wanted to get close to anyone else was because I had what I wanted. I had Remus' attentions and affection and, because of his secret, I had no fear of anyone taking him from me. He needed me, after all.

"He always said that our Animagus forms kept him human, that it tamed the monster within, but I've often wondered how true that was. He was so calm and gentle, and so in control of himself. No, I often wondered if it was not his nature and his personality that tamed us. I know it did me. So subtly and slowly in fact, that I did not realize what it meant to me until I saw that it might be taken away. So one night, just before his transformation, I found you watching him again and I knew I had to put a stop to this. I walked over to you and confronted you."

What are you looking at Severus? What do you want Severus? Do you want to know where he goes every month? I'll tell you.

"And I did. And you went. In my mind you would see him transformed; you would run away and you would never look at him again. It wasn't until after I saw James dragging you out of the Whopping Willow and to the castle that I realized I could have killed you… and that the blood would have been on Remus's hands. In taking care of the competition, I would have destroyed the person I thought I was trying to protect. I found out too late that he did not need protection from you. He needed it from me.

"Remus wouldn't talk to me for a long time after that. He was disgusted with me. Though he never said why, I knew it was because I ruined his chances with you. It would be a while before he would offer any kind of forgiveness. In the end, I think he gave in because he needed the closeness, and my actions made certain that making new friends was even more of an impossibility than ever. I never got a chance to tell him how I felt and, in truth, he was never really interested in my reasons. His renewed friendship was a long, hard-fought battle and it was too delicate to chance revealing my feelings, so I had to be satisfied with still having him in my life in any capacity at all. And then…and then came Voldemort and the rest is history."

Two men stood facing each other. One sat with an expressionless face, and the other with tears in his eyes, both in pain. Through a window, they could see the sun beginning to set behind the trees, marking the waning day-- a day already too long and emotional. And it was only beginning.

"I find it ironic that you remember that time in our lives with images of laughter and joy. For me it was a time of emptiness and isolation. I was trained from birth to understand the complexities of rank and order, of the hierarchy instilled in the wizarding world and the importance of power and strength. By the time I entered school I was half way to being a Death Eater, though I didn't know that's what I was being primed for.

"I found classes boring as I was already so far ahead of everyone else. I had no aptitude for sports and had been Apparating since I was nine, so I found flying on a broom infantile. And as far as friendships go….Slytherin is a house where relationships are based on your place in the societal strata. I had friends because of who my father was and nothing more. I accepted that because, frankly, I knew no other way. That is until the four of you came along.

"At first I would watch you as if you were an experiment. I was trying to decipher which components, which… ingredients made up your bond, as if you were a potion I was developing. James was the leader. He was the smartest and the most athletic. He was the base of the potion, the center to which all other parts were added. You were the catalyst, the adventurer; you prompted and provoked the others to action. Peter was the enhancer supporting your actions. And Remus…..Remus was the stabilizer. Four fragments complimented each other to make a perfect whole.

"Until I saw you I thought I understood the workings of the world. I was content with my life and the path I was following. Then, quite suddenly, I realized that my life was missing something -- that though I was content, I was never happy. I watched you in a vain attempt to determine whatever it was that you had that I did not. James was the base. I was just as intelligent if not more so. I was a leader in my own house. I felt we were comparable so it couldn't have been that…it couldn't have been him. Everyone else in my house was more than willing to be a catalyst, inciting misdeeds and escapades. And those who where not catalysts were enhancers; they had the fervor but not the imagination.

"What I didn't have was a stabilizer, a counter balance. To be that kind and compassionate was seen as weakness. Even if there was someone who could act as the calming force, they would not, lest they lose social standing. Losing status is tantamount to declaring a love of Muggles. You might as well snap your wand.

"So needless to say I found Remus worthy of note. I wanted to understand who he was and why. The four of you traveled around in a pack so I never really had the opportunity to do anything other than observe. One thing I noticed was that he would periodically vanish for a few days. Whenever he returned he seemed inexplicably fatigued.

"It was during one of these mysterious disappearances that you found me and offered me an answer. I had no reason to trust you but I did. More the fool I, but my need to discover the truth about Remus seemed to override my usual mistrust of anything Gryffindor. I bypassed the Whomping Willow as per your instructions and walked down a corridor until I found a door. I heard scratching and moaning and I began to panic…I thought he was being….I thought he was in danger so I opened the door only to find a monster staring , in brown fur matted with blood on its arms and jagged teeth dripping crimson. This massive beast was so big it seemed to fill the entire room.

"It turned to me and began to advance, but I never moved. I was looking for a sign of Remus, anywhere in the room. I thought the monster had found him before I could….. I had raised my wand and the next thing I remember, I found myself thrown back into the corridor, the door hastily slammed and barricaded in front of me. As I was being dragged out of the passageway I could hear the beast rage against the door, clawing and howling in an attempt to break free. We were outside and nearing the castle when I finally realized James had got me out. He looked as startled as I felt.

"We walked in silence. My wand was still drawn when we reached Dumbledore. I thought James was going to turn me in for being out after curfew, but instead he was explaining to the Headmaster that I had seen Remus. It wasn't until then that I realized that the creature I saw was Remus. Remus was a werewolf. And he could have killed me. And you sent me to him.

"Dumbledore asked me in that subtle yet unassailable way he has about him to keep my revelation to myself, that Remus's very life depended upon it. I was in such shock that I gave my word. Later I would find myself in my bed trying to comprehend all that had happened. My life was suddenly turned inside out and I blamed all of you for that. You for putting me there and James for getting me out, but I blamed Remus most of all, because of who he was. No, none of that makes sense. I understand my motivation less now than I did back then. I only knew that the world no longer made sense. And you were right, I stopped looking at Remus after that. I don't know what I felt. I just knew I was no closer to finding the answers I was looking for. Instead, I was left with more questions. Questions I have not yet found answers to, twenty years later."

Sirius stared at Severus for a long time after he had finished speaking. He had not expected the Potions Master to reveal so much. And, though he came just short of declaring any intimate emotions in regard to Remus, he guessed they were implied-- by his presence in Remus's home, in his willingness to listen to what Sirius had to say, and in the fact that he reciprocated with such honesty.

"I'm not sure what I should say now," he said honestly. "'Sorry' seems entirely insufficient."

"It would be, were I looking for your pity. Or if you were seeking absolution. But that was not the point of this exercise. The point was to remember as much as we could to try to interpret the significance of this picture remaining here when it was spent the last two decades at Remus's side. So far I think we have come up short."

Sirius stopped to look at the picture again before speaking. "We were only looking at it from our point of view, but Remus wouldn't have left a clue based on our recollections of our own lives. He would really have little knowledge of that, especially considering all we kept from him. If this really was meant as a clue, he would do it based on his own memories of that time. We're looking at that night in terms of how it affected us and not how it affected him. Maybe the secret lies in that."

Severus looked at Sirius with a look of sheer confusion. "That is a sound assessment of the situation," he said.

"You seem surprised."

"I am."

"I'm not an idiot you know."

"I'm beginning to see that."

It was Sirius's turn to stare at Severus with a look of sheer confusion. "Was that a compliment?"

"Don't get carried away, Black. I was merely suggesting that you are not as much of a dolt as I had originally thought. That, perhaps, you are not completely useless."

Sirius allowed himself a small smile.

They returned to their tea in quiet contemplation of all that had transpired. It was a lot to process, but it would seem there would be yet another trip into the past before they could look into the present. Or hopefully, into the future.