Echoes In The Darkness

Part Four

What is it that artists say? Shadows create depth? Severus Snape wondered if that was what happened to Sirius Black. If a child of frivolity and merriment spends a quantity of his lifetime immersed in shadows and darkness, could it change him, irrevocably, into a man of profundity and measure? And is it better to lose that child to that man, that frivolity to that profundity, that merriment to that measure? Severus was not sure. Since Black first came to him with his proposal to seek out Lupin, Severus waited for that child to re-emerge. Instead he was left simply watching the man and uncovering more levels, watching Black as he worked through his theories.

"Remus had to know that only one of us would realize this was a clue. We were the only ones who would truly understand the significance of this picture being left behind, and only one of us would remember what was happening during that time in our lives." He began to tap his fingers on the table. "It stands to reason then, that Remus had to know it was something about his life that we would be able to figure out. We need to try to remember his reactions and his movements before and after the incident." Severus continued to look at Black with incredulity as he spoke. As Black continued his attempt to ascertain the meaning of the photograph, Severus was left wondering what potential this man could have had if he had not spent so much time in the company of soul-devouring Dementors.

"Remus was a good student in most subjects," he continued. "Except potions. I think the smell of the ingredients overloaded his senses. That didn't change much after that night; if anything, he studied more. His eating habits were the same. I never saw someone eat so much and never gain an ounce." Sirius smiled, apparently remembering the more happy and intimate details of his companion. "That damn werewolf metabolism, I suppose," he quipped. "He kept the habit of waking up before dawn. Something about needing to see the sun rise to help him get on with this day…"

Sirius paused after speaking those words. His shoulders seemed to drop slightly as his eyelids lowered to half mast. Snape watched him, recognizing the look of a man lost in a painful but precious memory -- afraid to go forward but more afraid to leave it behind. And yet again, Severus was struck with the realization of how little the man before him resembled the boy he knew in that other life. Searching his own memory, he decided it was time to add to the recollections.

"He used to go out more before that night. As a matter of fact, other than meals, I rarely saw him out, even at the library; and he used to spend as much time there as Granger."

Sirius smiled. "It's true. Remus was always a book worm….his books. Maybe there is something in his books."

Severus merely shook his head. "We already searched his library. No letters stuck between pages. No underlined passages."

"Maybe there's something in the titles."

"An interesting thought," he commented, an eyebrow raised.

Together they scanned the titles in Remus's small library: Dark Arts texts he used in class; Muggle novels; reference books on transfiguration, magical beasts and Quidditch.

"Now that's odd." Sirius slowly scanned the pages of Quidditch Through The Ages.

"What?"

"Well, Remus wasn't really a big fan of the sport. He used to play around a little when the rest of us wanted to play and root us on when we had matches, but he never really had an interest. Definitely not enough to have a book on the subject."

"Perhaps it was a gift."

"Maybe." Sirius took the book back with him to the dining room and sat down, still glancing over the pages.

After another twenty minutes, when he finally decided the library was not going to offer him anything else, Severus joined him. "Can you think of anything else that might be useful? Something that wasn't the same after that night."

Sirius thought for a moment. "Before the incident Remus was probably his most open with other people. He had started to develop other relationships with classmates. Afterwards, he inverted back into himself, pretty much shutting everyone out other than James and Peter. It would be a full year before he spoke to me again on any personal level. He only just tolerated my existence, actually."

"There was another," Severus added slowly.

Sirius looked up with a knitted brow. "What?"

"There was another person he was seen around with. Another person he kept up a relationship with."

"Who?"

"Maura Hooch."

Sirius sat up. "You're right. I forgot about her. It would explain this, wouldn't it?" He put the book down. "They became friends in fourth or fifth year. They were pretty close now that I think about it; if he wasn't with us, he was with her. You remembered that, huh?"

"Well, they did spend a lot of time together. I believe they were still in close contact during the time between finishing Hogwarts and when he came back to teach. I think she suggested him for the position to Albus in the first place. From what I understand they were very close friends right up until the moment she was killed in the last Death Eater attack on Hogwarts. I recall Albus saying she called Remus' name right before she passed." Severus kept his eyes downcast. "Is it possible that they were more than just friends?"

Sirius couldn't help but smile at all that question implied. "Anything's possible I suppose, but I doubt it. His tastes did not run that way and I believe hers didn't either. They remained close, even here?"

"They would often go for walks in the evening or take meals together. I think she would even visit him in his cottage during holidays. Neither had any family to speak of."

Sirius' smile grew. "I thought you said you stopped looking."

"I did …I never said I stopped caring." He breathed the words through a whisper that was almost swallowed by the very air around it.

The faint answer made chills run down Sirius' back and his own response came unbidden. "You did love him, didn't you? I wasn't crazy? I did see that there was something going on there?"

Severus took a deep breath and replied, "I do not know what you think you saw so I am in no place to make speculations. As for you not being crazy, that is a matter of opinion. In regards to my feelings for Remus, they are none of your concern."

"I know it is none of my business and you have no reason to tell me. Merlin knows I gave you enough reason not to confide anything in me. But don't you think it's time to stop hiding behind pretenses and pride?" His words were full of sympathy, not anger. "Don't you think it's time to stop casting your feelings aside as if they don't matter? Did you love him once?"

A long pause. "I don't know."

"How could you not know?"

"How could I?" Severus sat back in his chair and rubbed his hands over his face. He got up and walked to the other side of the room. Emotions. So many emotions. Why was it whenever he thought of Rem-- …Lupin, he found himself drowning in sentiments and feelings? Why was it he felt the need to talk about it now? "I never got the chance to explore anything and frankly, I don't even know if I ever would have. Back then my life was plotted out for me so meticulously I wonder how I ever escaped it. When I finally did, it would be over twelve years before I saw him again and then it all seemed…it seemed too late."

Sirius walked to where Severus stood and tentatively placed a hand on his shoulder. "There's nothing plotting your life now. You are free. Free from the mark and free from the control others had over you. You are free to feel your feelings and act upon them."

Severus gave a hollow laugh. "You don't understand, do you? I don't know what I feel because I haven't any idea what love is supposed to feel like."

Sirius looked at Snape almost pitiably. "What do you feel? You must feel something as you are here now. You must feel something for him to tolerate me for as long as you have. What are you feeling right now? When you think of Remus, what do you feel?"

Feel. To feel. To feel what? He paused. "Weak and vulnerable," the reply. "Around him, I felt weak and vulnerable." More feelings. "And hatred. I hated him for making me feel that way." A bit of venom appeared and vanished. "When I found out what he was, I was irrationally angered because it seemed I had lost something incredibly precious. But it was something I never possessed, so in essence all I lost was the hope of him and that loss was enough to destroy any bit of humanity I possessed." He paused again. How it did hurt to feel. "I know that I feared him and feared the control he could have over me. But mostly I feared the knowledge that I wanted to give him that control, freely."

So much pain, so difficult to feel. "I wanted him near as much as I wanted to push him away. I wanted to comfort him and destroy him. Every emotion I felt had a direct counter to it." He took a deep breath. To feel is to hurt. "So there you have it. Exposed. Powerless. Protective. Hopeful. Terrified. My mind was always clouded. My heart was always disconsolate. My stomach was always…knotted. I would call that insanity and madness." He sank into his chair and shut his eyes.

Sirius reached down and gently lifted Severus' chin in his hands. "I would call that being in love, Severus." To feel is to hurt. "And I am sorry that it took so long for you to realize that." How it hurt to feel. "I am sorry it took so long for you to understand that those feelings are good feelings, and how much better they can get if you share them with someone. But most of all, Severus, I am sorry that I had any part in denying you the opportunity to experience love with Remus, because I know that the two of you would have been happy together. I am sorry that I was selfish and stupid and ignorant and…I am just so sorry."

Emotions concealed for years were choked out and left naked on the floor of an old cottage in the Welsh countryside, and two old enemies were left staring at each other in silence for the umpteenth time in less than twenty-four hours. Sirius walked away leaving Severus to consider all that had just come to pass. As he replayed all the words that poured from them both in a deluge of sorrow, anger, and regret, Severus Snape looked at the figure of Sirius Black adding wood to the fireplace. Severus was not a man who usually spoke aloud of emotions and love, but despite that, or perhaps because of it and all that had happened in this life the past few years, he found that keeping those sentiments inside was growing impossible.

And, at that moment, the tentative alliance of two adversaries united in a desperate hunt for a third became more than just a search for a man. It became a search for a past that was cherished, a present that was being denied and that deserved to be explored, and a future that could be full of promise and hope and, perhaps, joy for three men who had had so little of that in their lives.