Pairing: Rory/Jess
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters but I do own the words and ideas.
Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews. This chapter focuses more on the relationship of Lorelai and Rory, and Lorelai's reaction to Rory's growing closeness with Jess.
Lorelai was lying on her daughter's bed waiting for her to come home. After an exhausting evening of tears and fights with her mother, she came home to an empty house. She had never felt so alone in her entire life.....not even when she was pregnant at 16....not even when she ran away from home with an infant at 17. In all those times she somehow knew she would land on her feet, yes she was scared but she trusted that the powers that be would take care of her. Lorelai did not trust anything anymore. Her father was dead. And he never forgave her......
There were so many emotions she was feeling at that moment waiting for her daughter, her best friend. Anger. Guilt. Sadness. Compassion. Love. Hurt. Pain. Rivers of pain that flowed through her like love and sarcasm used to. She heard the door open and heard Rory call for her. Now was time to be a mother, she told herself.
"In here."
"Hey." Rory stood in the doorway unsure of what to do. She couldn't tell if her mom was angry or disappointed or anything.
"So.how was it?" Lorelai purposefully kept her voice light.
"How was what?"
"Jess. The night you spent with Jess. How was it?" Lorelai's voice had no trace of anger. It was like any normal day that they were discussing about boys. Rory was confused.
"Okay, I guess. How was grandma?" Rory walked in her room and sat down on the bed.
"Terrible. There were tears and fights and apologies and screaming beyond anything your virgin mind could fathom." Lorelai made no move to get up. She liked the bed and she was too tired to move.
"I'm sorry for not being there." There were tears in Rory's voice. She was truly sorry. Her mom and her grandma had been grieving and fighting and she had been in the arms of Jess. She felt like she betrayed her mom or something. She knew she had.
"You are still a virgin aren't you?" Lorelai felt her witty and sarcastic self coming back to her. Like a mask she needed to wear then she put it on. She knew her daughter was sincerely sorry and she didn't feel like crying anymore.
"Mom!"
"Sorry, I just wanted to make sure." Pause. "So are you?"
"Oh my God! Yes I am still a virgin. Happy?"
"Very." Rory moved to lie next to her mother. They both stared at the ceiling as the talked. "So give me the details."
"I told you nothing happened." The tears were gone from Rory's voice. Lorelai's plan to get away from the sadness was working. But it was still there, all the pain and sadness in the back of their minds waiting to be released.
"I know. I just want you tell me the specifics."
"It's a long story."
"Rory you don't really think that the usual 'it's a long story' line is going to work with me? I used that line like it was an art for when I was pregnant with you."
"I am talking-new Harry Potter installment-long."
"Good because after a night of cathartic hell with my mother I could use a gigantic dose of Hogwartz."
"But.."
"Rory, it's better than talking about the alternative." Lorlai didn't have to say what that alternative was. They both knew without naming it.
"How bout you tell me about grandma's and I will tell you about last night." Rory didn't want to go through the evening right now with her mom. It was all still sinking in for her. She wanted to hear about her grandma and her mom. She wanted to cry and grieve with her mother like they did in the movies she saw and the books she read. Rory felt like she wasn't doing it right, the grieving process.
"There is nothing to tell. Nothing you want to know. I have a lot of issues with my parents. This you know. Last night, everything exploded. It was painful but it was needed." Lorelai fought to keep her voice even.
"So how did you leave it?" Rory didn't correct her mom when she said "have" in the present tense when talking about her parents, because now Lorelai only had one parent. Rory usually hated when her mom would talk about the issues caused by her existence. It made Rory feel sad. But now she wanted to hear it, wanted to feel pain, it was better than the numbness she felt on the bridge. Rory shivered thinking about her state of mind on the bridge.
"Well, it was bad for a while......real bad, but after getting everything out in the open it....wasn't so bad. When I left this morning I told her I loved her, and she said it back." Tears fell from both of their faces. Lorelai was tired of crying and she wished her daughter hadn't made her talk about it.
"That's good right, I mean that you both said that." Rory was desperate to see some good, any good at all.
"Better late than never I guess." They both let it sink in tears falling. They said nothing more but both were thinking the same thing. That although Lorelai finally had reached some peaceful grounds with her mother, her father died never fully forgiving her. She would never get that peace of mind. Rory knew it. So did Lorelai. It hurt both of them to think of it. Lorelai wanted desperately to stop thinking about it. Her shattered heart couldn't take anymore.
"It's your turn Rory." Lorelai wiped away tears as she spoke.
"What?" Rory didn't know what her mother was talking about. She was still thinking about having parents that never said 'I love you.'
"I told you about last night with grandma, now you tell me about Jess. Deal's a deal."
"But you aren't going to like what you hear." Rory didn't want to upset her mom more than she already was. Maybe they should watch TV or something, Rory thought.
"I think I will. It will be a nice distraction to talk about regular stuff like boys. So shoot." Lorelai wanted desperately to be distracted. Jess was an issue so trivial compared to everything else that it would be actually nice to hear about it. She noticed Rory did not start talking so she added, "And, since I exhausted all my anger and resentment last night, I will not have the energy to judge and hate Jess right now. So you might want to take advantage of this."
"Well after you called.........."
Rory told her mom everything about what happened. While she spoke her hand held the letter in her pocket. Her fingers traced over the markings that said her name over and over. She imagined Jess writing it to her hurriedly with passion. She imagined his head bent in concentration like when he was buttoning her up in his jacket. She imagined him folding it in a book without ever expecting her to read it.
Her mother was right though, it did feel good to talk about it. Rory tried to explain to her mom the softness in his touch and the look in Jess' eyes, but she didn't think she did it right. She couldn't find the words that conveyed the emotions. Lorelai understood though, she could tell by her daughter's voice the impact the previous night had on her. Lorelai knew she couldn't fight the Jess issue anymore.
Rory even told her mom about the letter but refused to let her read it. Rory had shown her mom notes about Dean, Lorelai pointed out. This time was different for Rory though. It was so personal, so powerful. Rory wanted to keep it all for herself, something between her and Jess only. Lorelai knew that Rory not showing her letter, not willing for her mother to know the details marked the beginning of something...something Lorelai had dreaded since Rory was born.
Although Lorelai said nothing and would never admit to it, she was jealous of Jess. Jealous that he made her daughter feel better and she did not. As Rory's mom and Rory's best friend, she thought she should have been the one to comfort and console her when she cries and when she is in pain. But Lorelai hadn't been the one. Since the death of her father, they had barely said anything about it. They didn't know how.
Lorelai and Rory didn't realize that people grieve very differently. Some, like Rory, want to be held and comforted, and some like Lorelai want to yell and scream and then have someone tell them they love them anyway. Although Lorelai would never admit it until years later, her mom saying those three words brought such comfort and peace that she never thought possible.....especially after such a terrible fight. All this Lorelai would realize much later though.
"Is everything set about the funeral?" Rory asked when they were finished talking about her night with Jess.
"Yes. It is going to be a spectacle. Your grandmother wants it to rivals Princess Di's funeral. I swear people in fifty countries will be having moments of silence for him."
"I just want all this to be over," Rory said.
"Me too. If we can just get past these next few days then we can get back to normal." But Rory didn't think anything would ever get back to normal.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters but I do own the words and ideas.
Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews. This chapter focuses more on the relationship of Lorelai and Rory, and Lorelai's reaction to Rory's growing closeness with Jess.
Lorelai was lying on her daughter's bed waiting for her to come home. After an exhausting evening of tears and fights with her mother, she came home to an empty house. She had never felt so alone in her entire life.....not even when she was pregnant at 16....not even when she ran away from home with an infant at 17. In all those times she somehow knew she would land on her feet, yes she was scared but she trusted that the powers that be would take care of her. Lorelai did not trust anything anymore. Her father was dead. And he never forgave her......
There were so many emotions she was feeling at that moment waiting for her daughter, her best friend. Anger. Guilt. Sadness. Compassion. Love. Hurt. Pain. Rivers of pain that flowed through her like love and sarcasm used to. She heard the door open and heard Rory call for her. Now was time to be a mother, she told herself.
"In here."
"Hey." Rory stood in the doorway unsure of what to do. She couldn't tell if her mom was angry or disappointed or anything.
"So.how was it?" Lorelai purposefully kept her voice light.
"How was what?"
"Jess. The night you spent with Jess. How was it?" Lorelai's voice had no trace of anger. It was like any normal day that they were discussing about boys. Rory was confused.
"Okay, I guess. How was grandma?" Rory walked in her room and sat down on the bed.
"Terrible. There were tears and fights and apologies and screaming beyond anything your virgin mind could fathom." Lorelai made no move to get up. She liked the bed and she was too tired to move.
"I'm sorry for not being there." There were tears in Rory's voice. She was truly sorry. Her mom and her grandma had been grieving and fighting and she had been in the arms of Jess. She felt like she betrayed her mom or something. She knew she had.
"You are still a virgin aren't you?" Lorelai felt her witty and sarcastic self coming back to her. Like a mask she needed to wear then she put it on. She knew her daughter was sincerely sorry and she didn't feel like crying anymore.
"Mom!"
"Sorry, I just wanted to make sure." Pause. "So are you?"
"Oh my God! Yes I am still a virgin. Happy?"
"Very." Rory moved to lie next to her mother. They both stared at the ceiling as the talked. "So give me the details."
"I told you nothing happened." The tears were gone from Rory's voice. Lorelai's plan to get away from the sadness was working. But it was still there, all the pain and sadness in the back of their minds waiting to be released.
"I know. I just want you tell me the specifics."
"It's a long story."
"Rory you don't really think that the usual 'it's a long story' line is going to work with me? I used that line like it was an art for when I was pregnant with you."
"I am talking-new Harry Potter installment-long."
"Good because after a night of cathartic hell with my mother I could use a gigantic dose of Hogwartz."
"But.."
"Rory, it's better than talking about the alternative." Lorlai didn't have to say what that alternative was. They both knew without naming it.
"How bout you tell me about grandma's and I will tell you about last night." Rory didn't want to go through the evening right now with her mom. It was all still sinking in for her. She wanted to hear about her grandma and her mom. She wanted to cry and grieve with her mother like they did in the movies she saw and the books she read. Rory felt like she wasn't doing it right, the grieving process.
"There is nothing to tell. Nothing you want to know. I have a lot of issues with my parents. This you know. Last night, everything exploded. It was painful but it was needed." Lorelai fought to keep her voice even.
"So how did you leave it?" Rory didn't correct her mom when she said "have" in the present tense when talking about her parents, because now Lorelai only had one parent. Rory usually hated when her mom would talk about the issues caused by her existence. It made Rory feel sad. But now she wanted to hear it, wanted to feel pain, it was better than the numbness she felt on the bridge. Rory shivered thinking about her state of mind on the bridge.
"Well, it was bad for a while......real bad, but after getting everything out in the open it....wasn't so bad. When I left this morning I told her I loved her, and she said it back." Tears fell from both of their faces. Lorelai was tired of crying and she wished her daughter hadn't made her talk about it.
"That's good right, I mean that you both said that." Rory was desperate to see some good, any good at all.
"Better late than never I guess." They both let it sink in tears falling. They said nothing more but both were thinking the same thing. That although Lorelai finally had reached some peaceful grounds with her mother, her father died never fully forgiving her. She would never get that peace of mind. Rory knew it. So did Lorelai. It hurt both of them to think of it. Lorelai wanted desperately to stop thinking about it. Her shattered heart couldn't take anymore.
"It's your turn Rory." Lorelai wiped away tears as she spoke.
"What?" Rory didn't know what her mother was talking about. She was still thinking about having parents that never said 'I love you.'
"I told you about last night with grandma, now you tell me about Jess. Deal's a deal."
"But you aren't going to like what you hear." Rory didn't want to upset her mom more than she already was. Maybe they should watch TV or something, Rory thought.
"I think I will. It will be a nice distraction to talk about regular stuff like boys. So shoot." Lorelai wanted desperately to be distracted. Jess was an issue so trivial compared to everything else that it would be actually nice to hear about it. She noticed Rory did not start talking so she added, "And, since I exhausted all my anger and resentment last night, I will not have the energy to judge and hate Jess right now. So you might want to take advantage of this."
"Well after you called.........."
Rory told her mom everything about what happened. While she spoke her hand held the letter in her pocket. Her fingers traced over the markings that said her name over and over. She imagined Jess writing it to her hurriedly with passion. She imagined his head bent in concentration like when he was buttoning her up in his jacket. She imagined him folding it in a book without ever expecting her to read it.
Her mother was right though, it did feel good to talk about it. Rory tried to explain to her mom the softness in his touch and the look in Jess' eyes, but she didn't think she did it right. She couldn't find the words that conveyed the emotions. Lorelai understood though, she could tell by her daughter's voice the impact the previous night had on her. Lorelai knew she couldn't fight the Jess issue anymore.
Rory even told her mom about the letter but refused to let her read it. Rory had shown her mom notes about Dean, Lorelai pointed out. This time was different for Rory though. It was so personal, so powerful. Rory wanted to keep it all for herself, something between her and Jess only. Lorelai knew that Rory not showing her letter, not willing for her mother to know the details marked the beginning of something...something Lorelai had dreaded since Rory was born.
Although Lorelai said nothing and would never admit to it, she was jealous of Jess. Jealous that he made her daughter feel better and she did not. As Rory's mom and Rory's best friend, she thought she should have been the one to comfort and console her when she cries and when she is in pain. But Lorelai hadn't been the one. Since the death of her father, they had barely said anything about it. They didn't know how.
Lorelai and Rory didn't realize that people grieve very differently. Some, like Rory, want to be held and comforted, and some like Lorelai want to yell and scream and then have someone tell them they love them anyway. Although Lorelai would never admit it until years later, her mom saying those three words brought such comfort and peace that she never thought possible.....especially after such a terrible fight. All this Lorelai would realize much later though.
"Is everything set about the funeral?" Rory asked when they were finished talking about her night with Jess.
"Yes. It is going to be a spectacle. Your grandmother wants it to rivals Princess Di's funeral. I swear people in fifty countries will be having moments of silence for him."
"I just want all this to be over," Rory said.
"Me too. If we can just get past these next few days then we can get back to normal." But Rory didn't think anything would ever get back to normal.