"I'm sorry..." Harry whispered before falling into unconsciousness.
Snape swept the boy up and ran to the infirmary with him in his arms. He passed the occasional shocked and confused student, but mostly the halls were empty.
"Poppy!" He yelled as he burst through the doors.
"Severus! Honestly, what do you think--- OH!" She said. Snape put Harry on a bed and took Harry's robe and shirt off to get to the injured arms easier. Madame Pomphrey gasped when she saw the cuts on Harry's arms, but got over her shock to get to work on healing him.
~~/~@
Ron and Hermione were called to Dumbledore's office where they found Snape and Dumbledore talking very seriously.
"It's Harry, isn't it?" Ron asked. Snape nodded.
"Harry showed up at Professor Snape's office and passed out, so we don't know if he was trying to kill himself or if he accidentally cut too deep. Madame Pomphrey is working on him now. He will live," Dumbledore explained. "We were talking about maybe moving Harry into Professor Snape's dungeons so that he can watch over Harry and be with him more often. That or, I'm afraid, our only other option would be to send him to St. Mungos. We don't have the facilities to monitor him here if the arrangement with Snape doesn't work out."
~~/~@
By the next day, people were already whispering about what happened to Harry. The whole school knew about Harry's supposed 'suicide attempt'. Draco Malfoy seemed to be the only Slytherin who didn't look ecstatic about it. He excused himself from a breakfast table of Slytherins and left the Great Hall. He went to the infirmary and walked in. He saw the bed that Harry was in and his shoulders slumped. He was shocked at the sleeping boy's appearance. He was so pale... and his arms were in bandages that had little red spots where the bleeding hadn't stopped right away, and he was in restraints. He sat down on the bed next to Harry's and started talking.
"I didn't think the rumors were true. Harry... I know you probably can't hear me and that I'm wasting my time, but I gotta know why. I mean... you're the freaking Boy Who Lived and everyone loves you. Why in the world would you want to die? I mean, I know what it feels like to want to die, but I wouldn't even wish that feeling onto my worst enemy... including you."
"Mr. Malfoy..." Snape's voice startled Draco. He looked up, surprised to see Professor Snape with Ron and Hermione.
"How long-"
"Long enough to hear you talking. Maybe you can come back and tell him when he's conscious." Snape said. Draco nodded.
"Yes, sir." He got up to leave as Hermione and Ron sat down on Harry's bed. Snape caught Draco by his shoulder.
"I would like to speak to you later, Mr. Malfoy." Draco nodded at Snape and left.
"Can't you just ennervate him or something?" Ron asked.
"No, Mr. Weasly, I cannot. Harry's body needs time and rest to build up more blood and heal. To wake him now would not be good for his health."
"Does he have to have the restraints?" Hermione asked.
"I fought over this with Dumbledore. I didn't want them on Harry either, but I don't get to make the final call."
~~/~@
After their visit to Harry, Snape went to the Slytherin dorms to get Draco. He brought him down to his office.
"Draco... you told Harry that you know what it's like to want to die. Do you think of death often?" Draco paled at the question, but gave a slight nod.
"Have you ever made plans to kill yourself?"
"Yes." Draco replied in a small voice, unlike himself.
"Why?" Draco was silent, not wanting to answer that question.
"Draco, when it comes to matters like suicide, I can use Veritaserum on you."
"Please don't." Draco pleaded.
"Then answer the question."
"I can't."
Snape stood and went to get a vial of Veritaserum, the strongest truth potion known to wizards, from the shelves. He poured some into a small glass and handed it to Draco.
"Drink.... all of it," he ordered. Draco shakily took the glass and drank it.
"Ok, Draco, why do you want to kill yourself?"
"Because I really don't want to be a deatheater. I'm to be initiated on my sixteenth birthday. I'd rather die than be a deatheater." Draco answered.
"Thank you... that wasn't so hard. Now, I have something to tell you. Draco, I'm a deatheater... well I used to be."
"You?" Draco got even paler. Snape was a death eater? He used to be a follower of Voldemort? This was not good, thought Draco.
"Draco, calm down. I spied for Dumbledore after I turned from Voldemort. But... Voldemort knows now that I was a spy, so I can't spy anymore. Maybe you could help, though."
~~/~@
Harry awoke with a rather large headache and tried to reach for his glasses, to find that he couldn't move his arms.
"What the-" he muttered. Somebody slipped his glasses on for him. He looked over to see Draco Malfoy.
"Malfoy? Oh no... I went to Hell." Harry groaned and closed his eyes again. He wondered why his worst school enemy was sitting next to him.
"Don't be an idiot, Potter. You're in the infirmary. Snape and Pomphrey saved you. But now the whole school knows you attempted suicide."
"Suicide? But I didn't."
"Oh... somebody else slit your wrists for you?" Draco asked, sarcastically.
"No, I did it. But I wasn't trying to kill myself. Why are you here?" Harry asked. Then Draco looked uncomfortable.
"Well, I came to apologize for everything... and I know what it's like to want to die. Just stuff like that," Draco said, awkwardly. Harry was surprised that Draco shared this information with him, that he trusted Harry with it.
"But you have a perfect life. You're rich. You have parents. How would you know what it's like to die?" Harry asked.
"Yeah, that's what I thought about you. My father is gonna force me to be a deatheater, and contrary to popular belief, I'd rather die that be one. So, if you weren't trying to kill yourself, then what happened?"
"I just wanted to feel better. I didn't mean to cut that deep... I guess I just lost control like Snape said would happen. I should have listened, but I couldn't get my mother's screams out of my head..." Harry started rambling, lost in thought.
"H-Harry?" Draco had the distinct feeling that he'd lost Harry to his own thoughts. "Harry, you're kinda scaring me. Are you there?" He waved his hands over Harry's eyes, jerking him back to attention.
"Huh? OH yeah... Sorry, Draco. I just kinda spaced out," Harry apologized.
"Yeah, I saw that. You gotta stop cutting, and spacing out, and all this stuff. I heard that Dumbledore was talking about St. Mungos. But they're gonna have you live with Snape first. If that doesn't work out..." Draco warned. Then a thought clicked in Draco's head. "What did you mean when said that you cut too deep?"
"Never mind, forget I said it."
"No. I really want to know."
"OK, um, lift up my left sleeve." Harry instructed. Draco did and was shocked at how many scars he saw.
"You did this all to yourself?"
"Yes. I didn't think I would go overboard and almost kill myself. But... Snape was right about everything," Harry said. Both boys then looked up when they heard the door open.
"Draco, can I talk to Harry alone?" Snape asked. Draco nodded and got up to leave. With one last glance back at Harry, he knew that they'd made a connection and wouldn't be enemies anymore. Snape sat down next to Harry.
"I'm so sorry, Professor. You were right about everything. I should have come to you instead, but I didn't think it would hurt just once."
"Now you know. I just feel horrible that you had to learn the hard way. But... does this mean you are sincere about wanting to stop?"
"Yeah... but you're not mad?"
"No... just concerned. You worry me, boy. I should tell you, when you are released from here, you won't be going back to the Gryffindor dorms."
"Yeah, I know. Draco told me that I'm living with you."
~~/~@
That afternoon, Dumbledore and Madame Pomphrey gave their approval for Harry to be moved down to Snape's dungeons that night.
Harry had never actually been inside of Snape's personal chambers down in the dungeons. His face showed how shocked he was. Harry had been expecting the room to be more Spartan and not as warm and inviting as it was. It was decorated in warm greens and browns. There was a large comfortable couch in front of a fireplace and three doors that led to two bedrooms and a bathroom. So after getting settled in, Harry was laying comfortably on a sofa working on the homework that he'd missed. He stopped in the middle of his arithmancy homework with a loud sigh.
"What's wrong?" Snape asked from the table where he was grading homework.
"Nothing."
"No, Harry. I'm taking care of you, you need to tell me if there is something wrong."
"But it's really not that big of a deal. I've always been able to take care of myself before." Harry tried to assure him.
"Well, just because you can doesn't mean you have to. That's my job now. So... what's wrong?" Snape asked more gently.
"Not much. I hate arithmancy, that's it. It's just like regular math, and I hate math. Well... and my arms hurt a bit," Harry admitted. Snape knelt beside Harry and took his arms to examine them. "It's probably about time to change your bandages," he observed.
"Gosh, it's just some cuts." Harry protested.
"No, it's not just some cuts this time, Harry. You almost died." Snape lectured. He went to the cupboard and retrieved bandages and a potion. He came back and unwrapped the bandages around Harry's arms.
"Oh..." Harry mumbled, seeing his arms. He hadn't actually seen how bad they were since he was practically in a blind panic while he was doing it, and they'd been in bandages since he'd awoken. Snape dabbed some potion on Harry's arms, and Harry tensed and breathed in sharply.
"That stings!"
"Don't be such a baby," Snape teased with a soft smile. Then he wrapped new bandages around Harry's arms. He took the old ones to the garbage and grabbed a different bottle of potion.
"Take this pain relieving potion and go to bed. You still need rest."
"But I have make up homework."
"You can work on it tomorrow. You're not going to class tomorrow." Harry's jaw dropped in disbelief and disappointment.
"Don't, worry. I'll help you with Potions and Defense Against the Dark Arts," Snape told him. Harry nodded and downed the potion.
"Hey... this doesn't taste like pain relieving potion." Harry frowned. Not even a second after he said that, his head drooped down and the potion vial fell out of his hand. The last thing he remembered was the triumphant grin on Snape's face. "You suck." Harry mumbled before completely falling asleep.
Harry's last comment made Snape laugh softly. He picked up the sleeping boy and brought him to his new bedroom that was decorated in red and gold. He tucked Harry in and put his glasses on the nightstand before leaving.
~~/~@
The next morning, Harry woke up to a pair of large eyes staring back at him, and he yelled, startled. He scooted away from the eyes, and then saw that it was Dobby, the house elf that he had freed from slavery during his third year.
"Dobby, you scared me," he gasped.
"Oh, Dobby is sorry, sir. Mr. Snape wanted Dobby to watch Harry Potter while Mr. Snape is away," Dobby apologized.
"That's ok, Dobby." Harry said. He reached for his glasses and slipped them on.
"Is Harry Potter hungry?" Dobby asked. Now that Harry thought about it, he was hungry. He nodded and Dobby rushed out of the room to get some food. Then, Harry noticed a letter on his nightstand from Snape, and picked it up to read it.
-
Harry, Dobby is here to take care of you while I am teaching. This means you are to rest all day so that maybe you'll be healthy enough to go to classes tomorrow, but you come back to the room as soon as you feel tired or weak. Ron and Hermione came last night to visit while you were sleeping. They will also come after their classes to see you. Severus Snape
-
Harry remembered the potion that Snape has give him last night and was quite annoyed that he had missed a visit from Ron and Hermione. He was happy that he might be able to go to class tomorrow, though. Dobby entered the room with a tray of food for Harry.
"Thank you, Dobby." Harry smiled. He grabbed a piece of toast and started eating. Dobby stood their, shifting uncomfortably.
"What's wrong, Dobby?" Harry asked.
"Dobby has a question."
"Go ahead."
"Is the rumors true? Did Harry Potter try to kill himself?" Dobby looked as if he was ready to cry.
"No... not quite, Dobby," Harry half told him.
"Why is Harry hurt?"
"I hurt myself, but it won't happen again. Everything is fine," Harry calmly told him. Dobby accepted this explanation.
"Dobby, what time is it?" Harry asked.
"It is 12:14 in the afternoon. Harry slept for a long time."
"Yeah... Harry did." Harry said, then he laughed when he realized that he had spoken of himself in third person.
~~/~@
The next day, Hermione and Ron came to Snape's to get Harry and go to breakfast. As they walked together, Harry could feel eyes on him. He heard whispers behind his back. He could see people trying to look like they weren't staring at him. He was used to people looking at him because of who he was, but this was different.
"I think I change my mind. I don't want to go to class," he softly told Ron and Hermione.
"You're going to have to face them all sometime. The sooner you get it over with, the easier it will be," Hermione encouraged him.
It was even worse when they got into the Great Hall. Conversations just stopped when they entered, causing Harry to blush furiously. They quickly sat down at the Gryffindor table.
"Everybody knows?" Harry asked.
"Nope. Everyone thinks. They all think you attempted suicide." Ron said.
Conversations in the hall slowly started up again, albeit softer and with hushed whispers among them. The students at the Gryffindor table were all hiding their staring eyes. Harry looked up to the teacher's table and even some of them were looking at Harry and talking to each other. Snape seemed to be frowning at the conversation going on next to him. He looked at apologetically at Harry.
"That's it. I can't take this all day." Harry told his friends. He stood on the bench and yelled for everyone's attention.
"You've all heard rumors that I have tried to kill myself, right?" There were nods around the hall. "Well, they aren't true. I did not try to kill myself and that's all that you need to know. So stop staring and stop talking about me!" And with that, he sat back down and ate his breakfast.
"Rough morning?" Draco asked as he walked up to the Gryffindor table.
"Shut up, Malfoy," Harry muttered. Draco sat down next to him, across from Ron and Hermione, earning shocked looks from students surrounding them. Nobody else had known about the newfound friendship that Harry and Draco had recently come into.
"Harry... come on. It's not going to stop right away. Give people time." Draco said.
"How long?"
"About a week. If that isn't long enough, then I'll take care of it," Draco made a funny glare and pounded one fist into his palm. Harry laughed softly and relaxed.
~~/~@
The first class that day was transfiguration. Harry handed in his make-up work and got caught up on the spell they were working on. The rest of the classes after that were pretty much the same with handing in make-up work and getting caught up. When they finally got to Potions class, Harry, Draco, and Ron sat together and Harry was having a hard time staying awake while taking notes.
"Now copy page 72 from the book and put your quills down when you are finished." Snape instructed. He approached their table and leaned in towards Harry.
"Now... what was our agreement?" he whispered.
"I know... I'm supposed to go back if I feel tired or weak. But I'm really fine and I don't want to give people more to talk about."
"People who are fine don't have ink marks on their cheek from falling asleep on their notes before the ink is dry."
"Wha-?" Harry furiously wiped his face while Draco and Ron giggled softly at him.
"This is your last class. Go straight to my office afterwards. Then, after my next class, we'll go back to the rooms so you can rest. Until then... stay awake," Snape instructed. Harry nodded. Ron and Draco decided to make it their job to keep Harry awake during class, so in between notes they spent the class time pulling Harry's hair, nudging him in the ribs, and kicking his shins.
"Can't you find a less painful way of keeping me awake?" Harry complained. They both shook their heads, seriously.
Finally, class ended and the students filtered out. Harry made his way out the other door that led to Snape's office. Snape followed him and made a cot appear next to Snape's office desk.
"You sleep. I'll get you when class is over. Then, we are going to talk. You've had a long day."
~~/~~@
Snape was in the middle of teaching some second years a potion when there was a loud thump and a muffled "ow" from the other room. Snape excused himself to go check his office. When he entered the room, he saw Harry on the floor by the cot, rubbing his elbow.
"Explain?"
"I dunno... I just had a nightmare and fell off of the cot," Harry shrugged.
"OK... well do you need anything?"
"No, I'm fine."
Snape nodded and left the office to continue his class. After his last class finished, he went back to the office where Harry was asleep again. He was sleeping restlessly in the middle of a dream and almost fell off the cot again. He woke up before that could happen though.
"Another dream?" Snape asked. Harry looked up and nodded.
"You done with class?" He asked. Snape nodded and they both got their things together to go back to the dungeon.
"So how was your day?" Snape asked. Harry shrugged. "Typical teenage response. But, of course, that never means that things are fine. So after your announcement this morning, how were people?" Snape tried again as he held the door open for Harry.
"Well, the Gryffindor's apologized and people still talked and stared. Draco says to give everyone about a week to settle down," Harry told him.
"Sounds like good advice."
"And he said that if it doesn't die down in a week, he'll take care of it."
"And how would he do that?" Snape almost laughed.
"I dunno..." Harry shrugged. As they reached the dungeon doors, Harry leaned on the cool wall while Snape dug a key out of his robe pocket to unlock the door.
"Why do you use a key instead of magic?" Harry asked.
"I do use magic. This is a magical lock and key. Nobody can open it without the password and the key together," He said as he stuck the key in the hole.
"And the password is?"
"Marguerite," Snape softly spoke. The door opened for them, and they entered the room.
"Who's Marguerite?"
"My late wife. She died many years ago in the middle of childbirth."
"Was she pretty?"
"Beautiful. Nobody compared to her beauty. Here's a picture of her." Snape pulled a small picture from his pocked and handed it to Harry.
The woman in the picture was very pregnant and glowing as her dark curly hair fell around her face like a frame. She was smiling so peacefully and Severus Snape had his arms around her, and his head lying against hers. He was smiling with happiness in his eyes that Harry had never seen in the man before.
"She's beautiful. You both look so happy," Harry commented. He handed the picture back to Snape and he looked at it almost longingly.
"We were happy."
"I'm sorry that I made you remember. It must hurt to be reminded," Harry muttered. He started to walk to his own room.
"No need to apologize. I like to remember times when I was happy. I just wish that you had more good memories to think of," Snape said, stopping Harry. He looked back at Snape with questioning eyes. Snape sat down on the sofa and motioned for Harry to sit next to him.
"I mean... your parents died before you could make any good memories with them. You spent your whole life being verbally abused by the Dursley's, and so you don't have that many good memories to look back on. I'm stunned that you found a memory to make that Patronus your third year.... against Draco."
"I have some now, though... with Ron and Hermione."
"But you started cutting before that... before Hogwarts," Snape stated more than asked. They'd never really talked about the beginnings of Harry's cutting or the Dursley's that much.
"How did you know?"
"It makes sense, really. You probably weren't taught or even allowed any coping mechanisms like talking to other people or anything healthy like that... so you learned to cope on your own."
"Yeah I guess so," Harry nodded with a thoughtful look on his face.
"So now would be a good time to start. You already know that you can talk to me about anything. I'll always be here for you, no matter what. Why don't you tell me about the Dursley's? You always avoid talking about them."
"Well, what do you want to know?" Harry asked, unsurely.
"Did they ever hit you?" Snape looked Harry straight in the eyes. Harry paled, confirming Snape's suspicions. Harry gave a small nod.
"Why did you ever report this?"
"Well, at first I didn't know that it was wrong. I've never had any other experience to compare. Then, I saw how the Weasley's were and I was embarrassed to tell anyone. And everybody looks up to the Boy Who Lived... what would people think, if they found that I couldn't even protect myself from my own muggle relatives?"
"They would hate your relatives for hurting an innocent child, and they'd help you in any way possible," Snape said.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you before," Harry's shoulders slumped.
"Don't apologize. You apologize too much."
"I'm sorry that I apologize too much... I mean... gosh I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that."
"Harry?"
"Yes, Professor?"
"Shut up.
"Yes, Professor."