Jess shifted uncomfortably in the wooden pew and glanced at his
watch. Fifteen minutes till show time, thought. He was sitting in the
back of the church by himself. The music playing softly in the background
calmed his nerves a little but not much. He hated funerals. He thought
they were awkward and bizarre in nature.
But Jess came for Rory.
He hadn't seen her since she left his apartment and he thought he might go crazy from wondering how she was doing. He read in the paper when and where the funeral for Mr. Gilmore would be. He searched the papers for it. He knew he wouldn't be able to really talk to her, but Jess wanted to look at her. To look her in those eyes that haunted his dreams and let her know he was there, still waiting.
Jess got up early that morning intentionally to avoid Luke. He left a note saying he had stuff to do but would be back by 1 pm and would answer his questions then. He didn't care if Luke was going to be angry; this was going to be worth it.
He even dressed nice and Jess hardly ever dressed for special events even if it was required. He only had one nice pair of pants and two nice button-down shirts. A black one and a white one. Jess decided that the black would be fitting for the occasion. He dressed silently and in the dark, careful not to wake Luke. He knew Luke would probably let him go, but Jess couldn't stand the thought of another "man to man chat" with Luke so he left around 5 am.
With nothing to do for a few hours he went to a diner in Hartford that was open 24 hours and drank coffee and chain smoked. After sitting there about half an hour he asked the student hard at work studying in the next booth over if he could borrow a pen and some paper.
He wrote more carefully this time.
Every word was deliberate. He agonized over each sentence and every phrase. Jess didn't want to push her, or scare her but he also knew that there was a very good chance she might change her mind. She did it before and she might do it again.
Jess wouldn't call it a love letter, because it wasn't. The word "love" was not written once. He intended for it to be a reminder to Rory that what happened between them was genuine. After wards he felt warmth inside him, knowing that she would read this. Thinking, hoping that it would comfort her and ease her pain. He sat there, alone in the diner thinking of her. Very content with doing just that.
Ever since she left him, Jess couldn't stop thinking of Rory.
He thought of Rory sitting innocently at the diner with her mom eating and drinking coffee. Of Rory smiling that easy smile at something someone said. Of Rory walking in her uniform carrying that enormous back-pack. Of Rory lying on the bridge limp with pain and sadness. Of Rory sleeping in his bed, in his arms. Of Rory sitting at the table crying. Of Rory sitting in his bed looking at him radiantly. Of her eyes. Of her electrical blue eyes that intoxicate him. It reminded him why he was there.
He spent so much time dazed thinking about her that he came later to the church later than he intended. When he did arrive she was already sitting in the front pew with her family. Jess couldn't see her face but he could imagine.
Jess couldn't remember the last time he had been inside a church. He shifted in his wooden pew uncomfortably. He was sitting by himself in the back. People were filing in the church, but Jess did not notice them. His eyes were focused on the back of a brunette head sitting in the front row. He couldn't see Rory's face but he could imagine.
"Hey, what are you doing here?" Jess looked up at Luke who was wearing a suit in the aisle obviously surprised to see him. Shit, Jess thought.
"Probably the same reason you are doing here."
"Scoot over."
"No way man, I like the aisle seat. You should have gotten here earlier." Jess made space and Luke walked in front of him and sat down next to Jess.
"This church is nice." Luke decided to make small talk because he wasn't going to bring up why Jess was there or why he was there. Luke knew. Jess was grateful for Luke for not questioning him, and he looked around. It was beyond beautiful. Light pouring in from the intricately designed stained-glass windows, the high ceiling and magnificent organ playing a melancholy tune he couldn't place, the lavish golden altar and carved tile.
At the front of the church, next to the closed casket were flowers of all colors. Jess had never seen so many flowers before except in a flower shop. Such beauty for such a sad occasion.
"You could say that." Jess looked at Rory again, at the back of her head and wished she would turn around. Just a glance over her shoulder, not even at him at someone else would do just fine.if he could just see her.
"It's pretty crowded too. Mr. Gilmore must have been a powerful and important man." Jess was going to respond a sarcastic reply when he heard a familiar voice.
"Hello Mr. Danes." Mother-Fucker, Jess thought. Then it occurred to him that he probably shouldn't swear in church, even if it was to himself. Then meeting Dean's eyes again thought he was dammed anyway.
"Hello Mrs. Kim, Lane, Dean." They each nodded their heads in reply. She stood in the aisle where Luke had just stood moments before. Next to her stood Lane and Dean. Jess concluded that they obviously came together for support of Rory but Mrs. Kim refused to let Lane go alone with Dean.
Jess considered leaving right there. Nothing was going as was his plan. But then Jess remembered Rory and he decided to stay. The two boys stared hard at each other. Jess smirked knowing that there was no way Dean would win this little game. Jess came from a world Dean couldn't even imagine and being able to look someone in the eye was taught to him at a young age. Dean looked away to Rory sitting in the front row still not looking behind her, then back to Jess with anger in his eyes.
"Have either of you talked to Lorelai or Rory?" Mrs. Kim was clutching her bag and Lane was mute beside her. Jess could tell Lane was sincerely upset for Rory. She was also looking toward the front pew.
"No, when we got here they were already sitting in the front, and we thought best not to disturb." Luke answered quickly and Jess looked at his uncle curiously. Luke was making it seem like he and Jess came together so that heat would be taken away from Jess. It was surprising for Jess because he was not used to people doing nice things for him.
"We will sit with you." It wasn't a question but a statement. Mrs. Kim took Lane by the hand and nudged her to walk in first so that she would sit on the edge, then Mrs. Kim sat and then Dean was forced to sit in between Luke and Mrs. Kim. Jess was just grateful he didn't have to look at him anymore; he could focus more on Rory.
"Hey guys." Jesus Christ, Jess thought. Sookie and Jackson got in the pew behind them.
"Have you been here long?" Sookie directed the question to Luke. The gang's all here, Jess thought to himself.
"They just sat down and we got here probably ten minutes ago and none of us have talked to Lorelai or Rory." Luke hated small talk as much as Jess did. The difference was Luke was glad so many from Stars Hollow came to Mr. Gilmore's funeral. None of them cared about Mr. Gilmore or Mrs. Gilmore except how their lives affected Rory and Lorelai.
A conversation about Mr. Gilmore and Lorelai and the church was started but Jess didn't listen. He looked straight ahead and said nothing. He had purposefully gotten up early to avoid this very situation. It was all blowing up in his face. All he could think about was how he would never be able to say something real to Rory with everyone around, and especially not give her the letter without everyone noticing.
The music became louder and the voices ceased, and Jess closed his eyes when he recognized the song, "Amazing Grace." Jess wished he could say he hated it because it was so overused and cliché for funerals. But he didn't. It was just too fucking beautiful.
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Jess stood along with everyone else in the congregation. It was finally over. He watched men in dark suits grab the handles of the coffin and carry it down the center aisle of the church. Because everyone was standing, he couldn't see in the front. He couldn't see Rory. Jess knew she was proceeding the casket and waited for the brief moment of eye- contact he had been anticipating for days.
Who Jess assumed was Mrs. Gilmore was walking arm in arm with an elderly woman, and he could barely make out Rory's for behind them walking with her mom. He felt sweat on his forehead....he wanted to see her so badly. Then he saw her, leaning on her mom with tears falling from her face. He felt a stab of pain seeing her so upset and a rush of love because he had finally seen her. She was wearing a simple black dress that fell to her knees and black shoes. Jess examined her closely, and waited for her eyes to meet his.
Rory saw Jess before she saw the others.
He was looking right at her, compassion on his face. Then she saw Luke and Dean. Dean. His face was also sad, and Rory could tell he had been crying. Then Mrs. Kim and Lane. Then she saw Sookie and Jackson behind them. Rory knew that Mrs. Kim, Lane and Dean were coming because they had told her they would. And her mom mentioned that Sookie, Jackson, and Luke might be coming. But she didn't know Jess would be there. She hadn't prepared herself for that.
She couldn't tear her eyes away from his.
The only reason she kept walking forward was because her mom was nudging her along. Rory wanted to rush over and have him hold her. But Dean. Dean. She swallowed hard and looked at Dean then back at Jess. They were sitting in the same pew, she sighed thinking of the possible scenarios that could play out. She passed her friends and kept going. More strangers.
She closed her eyes and saw Jess again. She looked over her shoulder, she couldn't help it.....just to make sure he was there and she hadn't imagined it. At first she couldn't find him and then she saw him again. He was still looking at her with the same expression on his face. She faced forward again. Satisfied that he was there. That he came for her. She kept walking, her mom leading her to the car that would take them to the cemetery.
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Lane was staring at a display of pictures of the late Mr. Gilmore. It was all so sad. That this man who meant something to all these people was dead. She was particularly interested in the picture of him with Rory. Rory was in her uniform sitting on a couch looking at her grandpa who seemed to be telling her something. He was looking at somewhere else, at someone not in the picture and he his hands were in the air emphasizing whatever he was saying. Rory was sitting next to him smiling at him.
Lane swallowed hard thinking of Rory. She seemed so upset when she saw her walking with her mother down the center aisle following the casket. Tears were falling from her face but she walked like she didn't even know they were there. There was recognition on Rory's face when she saw her friends from Stars Hollow, Lane thought. Rory had smiled a sad smile at them.
"Lane, hey." Lane looked up from the picture display in the church and up at Jess.
"Hey, Jess." Lane disliked him. A lot. But she didn't have the energy for any bantering. She looked back at the picture of Rory with her grandfather.
"So....you going to the thing at Rory's grandmother's house afterwards?" Jess knew which picture Lane was focusing on. He had seen it earlier when he first arrived at the church.
"Yeah, with my mom and Dean." Jess nodded in understanding.
"Will you give Rory something for me?" A big risk, but Jess needed to give it to her.
"What?" Lane saw Jess take a folded piece of paper out of his pocket.
"Will you give her this for me? I don't think it is such a good idea for me to go to her grandmother's." He handed it to Lane. "Please." Jess never said please. He never cared about being polite. But he was desperate; he really needed to give Rory that letter.
"What is it?"
"What do you think? It's a letter." Lane looked up sharply and Jess looked away back at the picture.
Understanding flooded Lane at once. There was something going on between Jess and Rory. She had heard rumors. Rumors of Rory spending the night with Jess when Luke was away. Of her leaving in Jess' clothes. Of stolen glances when Rory was sitting with Dean. Of Jess sneaking in Rory's bedroom in the middle of the night. Of Shane telling all her friends that her and Jess were over. Lane had always dismissed them as small town gossip, but now she wasn't so sure.
She had seen Rory smile at her friends when she saw them, but now... remembering it clearly.....Rory was smiling at Jess. She had glanced at everyone else, looked them over......but she shared a look with Jess and that was when she smiled. Lane looked at Jess again.
His guard was down. Jess waiting for Lane to say something. Lane knew there had to be something for Jess to come to her grandfather's funeral. Then Lane thought of Dean, he had to know too. He had to have heard the same rumors, seen the smile Rory gave Jess and not him.
She looked down at the folded letter in her hands, and back at Jess. He was scared. Lane had never seen him scared or nervous, but then again she had never seen him ask someone for something until now.
"Okay."
But Jess came for Rory.
He hadn't seen her since she left his apartment and he thought he might go crazy from wondering how she was doing. He read in the paper when and where the funeral for Mr. Gilmore would be. He searched the papers for it. He knew he wouldn't be able to really talk to her, but Jess wanted to look at her. To look her in those eyes that haunted his dreams and let her know he was there, still waiting.
Jess got up early that morning intentionally to avoid Luke. He left a note saying he had stuff to do but would be back by 1 pm and would answer his questions then. He didn't care if Luke was going to be angry; this was going to be worth it.
He even dressed nice and Jess hardly ever dressed for special events even if it was required. He only had one nice pair of pants and two nice button-down shirts. A black one and a white one. Jess decided that the black would be fitting for the occasion. He dressed silently and in the dark, careful not to wake Luke. He knew Luke would probably let him go, but Jess couldn't stand the thought of another "man to man chat" with Luke so he left around 5 am.
With nothing to do for a few hours he went to a diner in Hartford that was open 24 hours and drank coffee and chain smoked. After sitting there about half an hour he asked the student hard at work studying in the next booth over if he could borrow a pen and some paper.
He wrote more carefully this time.
Every word was deliberate. He agonized over each sentence and every phrase. Jess didn't want to push her, or scare her but he also knew that there was a very good chance she might change her mind. She did it before and she might do it again.
Jess wouldn't call it a love letter, because it wasn't. The word "love" was not written once. He intended for it to be a reminder to Rory that what happened between them was genuine. After wards he felt warmth inside him, knowing that she would read this. Thinking, hoping that it would comfort her and ease her pain. He sat there, alone in the diner thinking of her. Very content with doing just that.
Ever since she left him, Jess couldn't stop thinking of Rory.
He thought of Rory sitting innocently at the diner with her mom eating and drinking coffee. Of Rory smiling that easy smile at something someone said. Of Rory walking in her uniform carrying that enormous back-pack. Of Rory lying on the bridge limp with pain and sadness. Of Rory sleeping in his bed, in his arms. Of Rory sitting at the table crying. Of Rory sitting in his bed looking at him radiantly. Of her eyes. Of her electrical blue eyes that intoxicate him. It reminded him why he was there.
He spent so much time dazed thinking about her that he came later to the church later than he intended. When he did arrive she was already sitting in the front pew with her family. Jess couldn't see her face but he could imagine.
Jess couldn't remember the last time he had been inside a church. He shifted in his wooden pew uncomfortably. He was sitting by himself in the back. People were filing in the church, but Jess did not notice them. His eyes were focused on the back of a brunette head sitting in the front row. He couldn't see Rory's face but he could imagine.
"Hey, what are you doing here?" Jess looked up at Luke who was wearing a suit in the aisle obviously surprised to see him. Shit, Jess thought.
"Probably the same reason you are doing here."
"Scoot over."
"No way man, I like the aisle seat. You should have gotten here earlier." Jess made space and Luke walked in front of him and sat down next to Jess.
"This church is nice." Luke decided to make small talk because he wasn't going to bring up why Jess was there or why he was there. Luke knew. Jess was grateful for Luke for not questioning him, and he looked around. It was beyond beautiful. Light pouring in from the intricately designed stained-glass windows, the high ceiling and magnificent organ playing a melancholy tune he couldn't place, the lavish golden altar and carved tile.
At the front of the church, next to the closed casket were flowers of all colors. Jess had never seen so many flowers before except in a flower shop. Such beauty for such a sad occasion.
"You could say that." Jess looked at Rory again, at the back of her head and wished she would turn around. Just a glance over her shoulder, not even at him at someone else would do just fine.if he could just see her.
"It's pretty crowded too. Mr. Gilmore must have been a powerful and important man." Jess was going to respond a sarcastic reply when he heard a familiar voice.
"Hello Mr. Danes." Mother-Fucker, Jess thought. Then it occurred to him that he probably shouldn't swear in church, even if it was to himself. Then meeting Dean's eyes again thought he was dammed anyway.
"Hello Mrs. Kim, Lane, Dean." They each nodded their heads in reply. She stood in the aisle where Luke had just stood moments before. Next to her stood Lane and Dean. Jess concluded that they obviously came together for support of Rory but Mrs. Kim refused to let Lane go alone with Dean.
Jess considered leaving right there. Nothing was going as was his plan. But then Jess remembered Rory and he decided to stay. The two boys stared hard at each other. Jess smirked knowing that there was no way Dean would win this little game. Jess came from a world Dean couldn't even imagine and being able to look someone in the eye was taught to him at a young age. Dean looked away to Rory sitting in the front row still not looking behind her, then back to Jess with anger in his eyes.
"Have either of you talked to Lorelai or Rory?" Mrs. Kim was clutching her bag and Lane was mute beside her. Jess could tell Lane was sincerely upset for Rory. She was also looking toward the front pew.
"No, when we got here they were already sitting in the front, and we thought best not to disturb." Luke answered quickly and Jess looked at his uncle curiously. Luke was making it seem like he and Jess came together so that heat would be taken away from Jess. It was surprising for Jess because he was not used to people doing nice things for him.
"We will sit with you." It wasn't a question but a statement. Mrs. Kim took Lane by the hand and nudged her to walk in first so that she would sit on the edge, then Mrs. Kim sat and then Dean was forced to sit in between Luke and Mrs. Kim. Jess was just grateful he didn't have to look at him anymore; he could focus more on Rory.
"Hey guys." Jesus Christ, Jess thought. Sookie and Jackson got in the pew behind them.
"Have you been here long?" Sookie directed the question to Luke. The gang's all here, Jess thought to himself.
"They just sat down and we got here probably ten minutes ago and none of us have talked to Lorelai or Rory." Luke hated small talk as much as Jess did. The difference was Luke was glad so many from Stars Hollow came to Mr. Gilmore's funeral. None of them cared about Mr. Gilmore or Mrs. Gilmore except how their lives affected Rory and Lorelai.
A conversation about Mr. Gilmore and Lorelai and the church was started but Jess didn't listen. He looked straight ahead and said nothing. He had purposefully gotten up early to avoid this very situation. It was all blowing up in his face. All he could think about was how he would never be able to say something real to Rory with everyone around, and especially not give her the letter without everyone noticing.
The music became louder and the voices ceased, and Jess closed his eyes when he recognized the song, "Amazing Grace." Jess wished he could say he hated it because it was so overused and cliché for funerals. But he didn't. It was just too fucking beautiful.
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Jess stood along with everyone else in the congregation. It was finally over. He watched men in dark suits grab the handles of the coffin and carry it down the center aisle of the church. Because everyone was standing, he couldn't see in the front. He couldn't see Rory. Jess knew she was proceeding the casket and waited for the brief moment of eye- contact he had been anticipating for days.
Who Jess assumed was Mrs. Gilmore was walking arm in arm with an elderly woman, and he could barely make out Rory's for behind them walking with her mom. He felt sweat on his forehead....he wanted to see her so badly. Then he saw her, leaning on her mom with tears falling from her face. He felt a stab of pain seeing her so upset and a rush of love because he had finally seen her. She was wearing a simple black dress that fell to her knees and black shoes. Jess examined her closely, and waited for her eyes to meet his.
Rory saw Jess before she saw the others.
He was looking right at her, compassion on his face. Then she saw Luke and Dean. Dean. His face was also sad, and Rory could tell he had been crying. Then Mrs. Kim and Lane. Then she saw Sookie and Jackson behind them. Rory knew that Mrs. Kim, Lane and Dean were coming because they had told her they would. And her mom mentioned that Sookie, Jackson, and Luke might be coming. But she didn't know Jess would be there. She hadn't prepared herself for that.
She couldn't tear her eyes away from his.
The only reason she kept walking forward was because her mom was nudging her along. Rory wanted to rush over and have him hold her. But Dean. Dean. She swallowed hard and looked at Dean then back at Jess. They were sitting in the same pew, she sighed thinking of the possible scenarios that could play out. She passed her friends and kept going. More strangers.
She closed her eyes and saw Jess again. She looked over her shoulder, she couldn't help it.....just to make sure he was there and she hadn't imagined it. At first she couldn't find him and then she saw him again. He was still looking at her with the same expression on his face. She faced forward again. Satisfied that he was there. That he came for her. She kept walking, her mom leading her to the car that would take them to the cemetery.
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Lane was staring at a display of pictures of the late Mr. Gilmore. It was all so sad. That this man who meant something to all these people was dead. She was particularly interested in the picture of him with Rory. Rory was in her uniform sitting on a couch looking at her grandpa who seemed to be telling her something. He was looking at somewhere else, at someone not in the picture and he his hands were in the air emphasizing whatever he was saying. Rory was sitting next to him smiling at him.
Lane swallowed hard thinking of Rory. She seemed so upset when she saw her walking with her mother down the center aisle following the casket. Tears were falling from her face but she walked like she didn't even know they were there. There was recognition on Rory's face when she saw her friends from Stars Hollow, Lane thought. Rory had smiled a sad smile at them.
"Lane, hey." Lane looked up from the picture display in the church and up at Jess.
"Hey, Jess." Lane disliked him. A lot. But she didn't have the energy for any bantering. She looked back at the picture of Rory with her grandfather.
"So....you going to the thing at Rory's grandmother's house afterwards?" Jess knew which picture Lane was focusing on. He had seen it earlier when he first arrived at the church.
"Yeah, with my mom and Dean." Jess nodded in understanding.
"Will you give Rory something for me?" A big risk, but Jess needed to give it to her.
"What?" Lane saw Jess take a folded piece of paper out of his pocket.
"Will you give her this for me? I don't think it is such a good idea for me to go to her grandmother's." He handed it to Lane. "Please." Jess never said please. He never cared about being polite. But he was desperate; he really needed to give Rory that letter.
"What is it?"
"What do you think? It's a letter." Lane looked up sharply and Jess looked away back at the picture.
Understanding flooded Lane at once. There was something going on between Jess and Rory. She had heard rumors. Rumors of Rory spending the night with Jess when Luke was away. Of her leaving in Jess' clothes. Of stolen glances when Rory was sitting with Dean. Of Jess sneaking in Rory's bedroom in the middle of the night. Of Shane telling all her friends that her and Jess were over. Lane had always dismissed them as small town gossip, but now she wasn't so sure.
She had seen Rory smile at her friends when she saw them, but now... remembering it clearly.....Rory was smiling at Jess. She had glanced at everyone else, looked them over......but she shared a look with Jess and that was when she smiled. Lane looked at Jess again.
His guard was down. Jess waiting for Lane to say something. Lane knew there had to be something for Jess to come to her grandfather's funeral. Then Lane thought of Dean, he had to know too. He had to have heard the same rumors, seen the smile Rory gave Jess and not him.
She looked down at the folded letter in her hands, and back at Jess. He was scared. Lane had never seen him scared or nervous, but then again she had never seen him ask someone for something until now.
"Okay."