Chapter 3
Fido woke up in an uncomfortable position atop Scab. His legs were held down under the great mass of Pixie and Moldy. There was some writing across his arm, reading:
Hey, man
Then on the other one, it said:
Got you on the quickest path back onto the road to Dwee. should take about five days. Sorry 'bout those rancid bagels. isn't it a shame about those ferrets, or what? Uh, must dash now, as Green Fairy is tripped up and has a can of mace. Tim
Fido woke up the other hoagies, thus they followed Tim's directions.
*****
As it was said, five days later they arrived at the gates of Dwee. The large wooden doors were closed, so they went up and knocked. Five minutes later, no one had came. But they were all able to fit through the small hatch. Once on the inside, they saw two intoxicated guards limp at their posts. They might have successfully got past them unnoticed, if it hadn't been for Pixie. He foolishly decided to raid their wallets. They rose to their feet, swearing and staggering after the hoagies.
They managed to make it to the center of Dwee, where the streets were lined with cheap diners, souvenir shops and strip clubs. The hoagies hurriedly entered a small inn slash pub slash diner, dubbed 'Lodging and Tainted Tea'. There was a large blinking sign illustrating the inn's title.
The inside of the inn was set to a western theme, the hoagies guessed. What other explanation would there be for the cowboys and large cardboard cows? Exactly. Anyways, they all crowded about the sign in desk. A tall cowboy with leather chaps and spurs leaned over the hoagies.
"Erm. we'd like a room, sir," Fido said.
"Sign here." The cowboy slid a clipboard to Fido. He slowly printed the name Underhill.
"Right. down there, room 504," he tossed a key to Fido.
"Thank you," Fido said. The hoagies headed for the diner to the left, finding a booth in the back. After a few minutes, a waitress wobbled over to their table in a short leather skirt and high-heeled fringy boots. They ordered four of Captain Moo's Beef Burgers and some peach ale.
Growing tired of trying to contain Moldy and Pixie, Fido agreed to letting the hoagies roam about a bit. As long as they mentioned nothing of the ring. Moldy and Pixie went for the line dancing floor, and Scab slid up to the bar. The drunken dwarf and two men there, who insisted he join them in a round of some lurid folk song of another, accepted him.
Fido sat in silence by himself, eyeing the crowd. No one looked too suspicious. All of a sudden, the stage at the back of the room lit up, to show a line of showgirls furiously performing the Can-Can. At first Fido enjoyed the entertainment, before he noticed one of the more ugly girls (the one with the stubble) motioning to him subliminally. She appeared to be saying something about meeting her in the loo in five minutes. She seemed quite urgent about it.
The show ended, rounds of applause, and Fido split to the lavatory. Just behind him came the showgirl. She checked all of the stalls and locked the door. Then began removing her dress.
"Hey. woah." Fido started, before she interrupted him.
"It's not what you think, you nit," As she removed her purple garments, 'she' turned into a man.
"What the f-" Fido started, but the stranger closed a hand around his mouth.
"Don't speak. I am Arrogant, son of Earofcorn. I am friends with the wizard, Gangrene the Grey."
Fido looked absolutely baffled, not only from the shock of the sudden change in gender, but Arrogant's striking resemblance to Viggo Mortensen.
"Gangrene has informed me of your presence here, and I have found that you require my superior intellect in the questing department, so I have come to join you," Arrogant explained. "The dark riders are after you, I have seen them. You and your companions would be safer to stay the night in my quarters, where I might protect you."
Fido wasn't exactly thrilled about the idea of spending the night in some strange man's bed, but decided it was best. He rounded up the other hoagies, explaining their predicament. Pixie and Moldy seemed unhealthily excited about staying with Arrogant for the night. Scab, on the other hand, seemed as apprehensive as Fido, but he wasn't about to leave his master.
Arrogant sat at the window, looking down at the streets of Dwee. They had been quite deserted for a while now, but he heard hooves thundering off in the distance.
"Gnat-skull." he whispered to himself. The dark rider from chapter 2 and then some halted on the other side of the street, hitching up their steeds. The passed silently into Lodging and Tainted Tea. After another three minutes of silence, Arrogant heard their high-pitched screams and farts of frustration. They all burst from the inn's door, mounting their bheests and galloping off into the night.
The hoagies had woken up, and were all huddled together, whimpering.
"We must leave immediately." Arrogant murmured to the hoagies.
*****
They left Dwee and began their trek to Riverweed once more. They had not seen Gangrene yet. Arrogant claimed to know what he was doing, though Fido suspected they were going around in circles. He could have sworn he'd seen that pair of green knickers hanging on that branch more than three times now. Nevertheless, Arrogant went on ahead, muttering to himself about tracks. Every now and then he would put his ear to the ground, pretending to hear something, then would go on the way he would've in the first place.
Eventually, Arrogant called halt at the base of a steep hill. Eyeing the descent, Fido noticed at the top there were the remains of a look out tower.
"Whether-or-not Hill," Arrogant said, stepping towards it.
*****
They reached the summit, where they were meant to stay the night. Arrogant stood watch at the top of the ruins, while the hoagies dropped off. Sometime in the night, Fido heard off in the distance a loud fart. He sat bolt upright, looking around. Arrogant was standing over him. The other hoagies were trying to block a fire they'd built, and Scab was beating it out with a frying pan.
"You whelks and your fire have signaled our presence!" Arrogant snapped. "It's the Gnat-Skulls." he whipped out his long sword and stood at the ready.
"What about us?" Pixie and Moldy whined.
"Go find a large stick or something," Arrogant hissed. Scab equipped himself with two frying pans, Pixie with a pair of nun chucks and Moldy with walking stick cleverly pointed at both ends. The farting and screaming became louder, until Fido could distinctly see nine silhouettes appear from the darkness. Arrogant grabbed a faggot, lit it on fire and began waving it about wildly.
The Gnat-Skulls removed long black chopsticks from holsters within their robes. Arrogant continued nancing about with the torch and his sword, lighting the dark riders on fire like birthday candles. This went on and on and continuously for a bit, until one of the Gnat-Skulls saw Fido hiding in a corner in the fetal position. He promptly strode over, prodding Fido in the shoulder with one of his chopsticks. Much screaming, crying, hugging, beating off the rest of the dark riders with flaming faggots, and Arrogant rushed to Fido's side.
"He's been wounded by one of the Mogul Chopsticks." he said sullenly.
Fido woke up in an uncomfortable position atop Scab. His legs were held down under the great mass of Pixie and Moldy. There was some writing across his arm, reading:
Hey, man
Then on the other one, it said:
Got you on the quickest path back onto the road to Dwee. should take about five days. Sorry 'bout those rancid bagels. isn't it a shame about those ferrets, or what? Uh, must dash now, as Green Fairy is tripped up and has a can of mace. Tim
Fido woke up the other hoagies, thus they followed Tim's directions.
*****
As it was said, five days later they arrived at the gates of Dwee. The large wooden doors were closed, so they went up and knocked. Five minutes later, no one had came. But they were all able to fit through the small hatch. Once on the inside, they saw two intoxicated guards limp at their posts. They might have successfully got past them unnoticed, if it hadn't been for Pixie. He foolishly decided to raid their wallets. They rose to their feet, swearing and staggering after the hoagies.
They managed to make it to the center of Dwee, where the streets were lined with cheap diners, souvenir shops and strip clubs. The hoagies hurriedly entered a small inn slash pub slash diner, dubbed 'Lodging and Tainted Tea'. There was a large blinking sign illustrating the inn's title.
The inside of the inn was set to a western theme, the hoagies guessed. What other explanation would there be for the cowboys and large cardboard cows? Exactly. Anyways, they all crowded about the sign in desk. A tall cowboy with leather chaps and spurs leaned over the hoagies.
"Erm. we'd like a room, sir," Fido said.
"Sign here." The cowboy slid a clipboard to Fido. He slowly printed the name Underhill.
"Right. down there, room 504," he tossed a key to Fido.
"Thank you," Fido said. The hoagies headed for the diner to the left, finding a booth in the back. After a few minutes, a waitress wobbled over to their table in a short leather skirt and high-heeled fringy boots. They ordered four of Captain Moo's Beef Burgers and some peach ale.
Growing tired of trying to contain Moldy and Pixie, Fido agreed to letting the hoagies roam about a bit. As long as they mentioned nothing of the ring. Moldy and Pixie went for the line dancing floor, and Scab slid up to the bar. The drunken dwarf and two men there, who insisted he join them in a round of some lurid folk song of another, accepted him.
Fido sat in silence by himself, eyeing the crowd. No one looked too suspicious. All of a sudden, the stage at the back of the room lit up, to show a line of showgirls furiously performing the Can-Can. At first Fido enjoyed the entertainment, before he noticed one of the more ugly girls (the one with the stubble) motioning to him subliminally. She appeared to be saying something about meeting her in the loo in five minutes. She seemed quite urgent about it.
The show ended, rounds of applause, and Fido split to the lavatory. Just behind him came the showgirl. She checked all of the stalls and locked the door. Then began removing her dress.
"Hey. woah." Fido started, before she interrupted him.
"It's not what you think, you nit," As she removed her purple garments, 'she' turned into a man.
"What the f-" Fido started, but the stranger closed a hand around his mouth.
"Don't speak. I am Arrogant, son of Earofcorn. I am friends with the wizard, Gangrene the Grey."
Fido looked absolutely baffled, not only from the shock of the sudden change in gender, but Arrogant's striking resemblance to Viggo Mortensen.
"Gangrene has informed me of your presence here, and I have found that you require my superior intellect in the questing department, so I have come to join you," Arrogant explained. "The dark riders are after you, I have seen them. You and your companions would be safer to stay the night in my quarters, where I might protect you."
Fido wasn't exactly thrilled about the idea of spending the night in some strange man's bed, but decided it was best. He rounded up the other hoagies, explaining their predicament. Pixie and Moldy seemed unhealthily excited about staying with Arrogant for the night. Scab, on the other hand, seemed as apprehensive as Fido, but he wasn't about to leave his master.
Arrogant sat at the window, looking down at the streets of Dwee. They had been quite deserted for a while now, but he heard hooves thundering off in the distance.
"Gnat-skull." he whispered to himself. The dark rider from chapter 2 and then some halted on the other side of the street, hitching up their steeds. The passed silently into Lodging and Tainted Tea. After another three minutes of silence, Arrogant heard their high-pitched screams and farts of frustration. They all burst from the inn's door, mounting their bheests and galloping off into the night.
The hoagies had woken up, and were all huddled together, whimpering.
"We must leave immediately." Arrogant murmured to the hoagies.
*****
They left Dwee and began their trek to Riverweed once more. They had not seen Gangrene yet. Arrogant claimed to know what he was doing, though Fido suspected they were going around in circles. He could have sworn he'd seen that pair of green knickers hanging on that branch more than three times now. Nevertheless, Arrogant went on ahead, muttering to himself about tracks. Every now and then he would put his ear to the ground, pretending to hear something, then would go on the way he would've in the first place.
Eventually, Arrogant called halt at the base of a steep hill. Eyeing the descent, Fido noticed at the top there were the remains of a look out tower.
"Whether-or-not Hill," Arrogant said, stepping towards it.
*****
They reached the summit, where they were meant to stay the night. Arrogant stood watch at the top of the ruins, while the hoagies dropped off. Sometime in the night, Fido heard off in the distance a loud fart. He sat bolt upright, looking around. Arrogant was standing over him. The other hoagies were trying to block a fire they'd built, and Scab was beating it out with a frying pan.
"You whelks and your fire have signaled our presence!" Arrogant snapped. "It's the Gnat-Skulls." he whipped out his long sword and stood at the ready.
"What about us?" Pixie and Moldy whined.
"Go find a large stick or something," Arrogant hissed. Scab equipped himself with two frying pans, Pixie with a pair of nun chucks and Moldy with walking stick cleverly pointed at both ends. The farting and screaming became louder, until Fido could distinctly see nine silhouettes appear from the darkness. Arrogant grabbed a faggot, lit it on fire and began waving it about wildly.
The Gnat-Skulls removed long black chopsticks from holsters within their robes. Arrogant continued nancing about with the torch and his sword, lighting the dark riders on fire like birthday candles. This went on and on and continuously for a bit, until one of the Gnat-Skulls saw Fido hiding in a corner in the fetal position. He promptly strode over, prodding Fido in the shoulder with one of his chopsticks. Much screaming, crying, hugging, beating off the rest of the dark riders with flaming faggots, and Arrogant rushed to Fido's side.
"He's been wounded by one of the Mogul Chopsticks." he said sullenly.