ACT 3
(Upon their return to the stage, the
AVALANCHErs and The Turks make their
way back to their instruments, when the
audience howls with laughter; Tifa is
puzzled.)
Tifa: What?
(Shera glances for a moment, before bursting
into giggles.)
Shera (giggling): Tifa, did you check your left
foot just now?
Tifa: Left foot? (Upon lifting her left foot, she
discovers a long stream of toilet paper stuck
to the sole of her left shoe.) What the--? Oh
NO!! (Tears off the toilet paper off her foot
and glares at the AVALANCHERS.) Any of
you jokers that dare laugh at that gets his/
her BUT-TOCKS whupped, eh?!?
Zack: So much for good humor.......
(With everyone readying their instruments,
Vincent is back to his tamboura while Cloud
is ready with a sitar. Aeris is back to her
tabla, while Cid is standing by with a
swordmandel, Marlene with a dilruba, and
The Turks at their strings.)
Vincent (to the audience): Welcome back, all.
Lately, it's come to my attention, that a lot of
fanfiction writers have been, over the many years,
pairing me up with Yuffie. Now, while Yuffie is an
attractive girl, she's spoken for, now that she's
engaged to Reno of The Turks; as such, she and
Reno BELONG together!! Besides, I WISH
once and for all, that everyone would just get it
right, that my only REAL love is Lucretia. So with
that in mind, here's a tune that points it all out.
LUCRETIA, I LOVE YOU
Parody of Within You, Without You.
Performed by Vincent Valentine
Vincent:
We were talkin' --'bout the fanfic writers worldwide.
How they pair me--with Yuffie Kisaragi the ninja
sweetie.
They don't believe the truth--that Yuffietines suck--
and Lucretia's mine.
We were talkin'--'bout the time Hojo married you --
and ruined me.
After that, he sent me to sleep--for my sin.
The tabloids--how they spread the word--'bout
me and Yuffie.
Try to realize Yuffie just ain't my type, no one else can
make it change.
And despite what Hojo did to me and you,
right now, I say Lucretia, I DO love you.
We were talkin'--'bout the rumors that Elvis wed
me and Yuffie, in a Vegas wedding chapel--it's a lie--
can't they see--I love Lucretia?
First there was Aeris and Cloud--Tifa and Zack,
along with Cid and Shera--
Reno and Yuffie, they're so much in love, so
right now, I say Lucretia, I DO love you.
(After a remarkable solo, the tune finishes, to the cheers
of the audience.)
Vincent: Thanks. And namaste.
(Lucretia runs up to Vincent, and the two share a kiss, to
the hoots and cheers of the crowd.)
Lucretia (murmuring, to Vincent): I love you too.........
(In the audience, we see Tidus with Yuna and Rikku.)
Tidus: That Vincent......he definitely qualifies as the
George Harrison of AVALANCHE.
Yuna: After the way he played that tamboura, I
wouldn't doubt it.
Rikku: What would they think of next?
(As if in reply, Barret turns to the audience, and states
the following.)
Barret: What would we think of next? I'll tell you foos'
what would we'd think of next--ME!! It's my turn--to tell
you all that (A), there ain't no gettin' offa that train
we're on till we reach the end of the line, an' (B), a tale
of the BA-ADEST dude that caused so much trouble,
next to the likes of Corneo, the Shinra, an' that
STUU------------PID Jenova--Sephiroth.
Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Barret: FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO' !!!!!!!!!!!!
(With that in mind, AVALANCHE and The Turks
launch into the next tune.)
SEPHY'S MASAMUNE
Parody of Maxwell's Silver Hammer
Performed by Barret Wallace
Barret:
Shinra's President,
was a mean 'ol resident
rulin' The Planet,
usin' reactors to drain that Mako-oh-oh-oh.
Then came Sephiroth,
an' he was so overwrought
with violent anger.
An' he was here to get Ms. Jenova-ah-ah-ah.
But first, he went to Shinra's office,
an' sneaked up from behind.....
All:
Stab, stab, Sephy's Masamune came down,
right through his back
Stab, stab, Sephy's Masamune made sure
he n'er came back.
Barret:
Ol' Tseng of The Turks,
down inside The Temple works,
with Ms. Elena,
searchin' fo' that ol' Black Materia-ah-ah-ah.
Still, at any rate, Tseng then asked her
for a date.
So Elena said,
"Sure, Tseng, it's a date!!
I would love to go-oh-oh-oh...."
But when she hightailed it from the room,
ol' Seph came from behind.......
All:
Stab, stab, Sephy's Masamune came down,
right through his back
Stab, stab, Sephy's Masamune made sure
he n'er came back.
Solo #1
Barret:
In the Cetra land,
tragedy is close at hand;
Aeris stands alone,
prayin' for the Holy to save the day-ay-ay-ay.
Cloud then took his stance, then he fell
into a trance, with his sword held high,
(with his sword held high)
until he snapped out of it just in ti-i-i-ime.
But when Aeris glanced up at Cloud's face,
Sephiroth made his move.......
All:
Stab, stab, Sephy's Masamune came down
right though her back
Stab, stab, Sephy's Masamune made sure
she n'er came back.
Solo #2
All:
Masamune......
(The crowd cheers a lot while Barret shoots up
in the air, dum dum bullets from his gun arm.)
Cid: Barret, you %@*#$^&!! Stop shootin' those &$#%@*^
bullets before they hurt some one!!
Barret: They're just dum dum bullets--they can't hurt no one.
Cid: Sure--dum dum bullets from a dum dum like you.
Barret: Grrrrrrr, you're a dead man, Highwind!!
Cid: You %@#*&^$!!!!
(Cid and Barret charge towards each other, only for
Shera to stand between them.)
Shera: Cid!! Barret!! Stop it!! You've gone nuts!!
Cid: Butt out, Shera, you %@#$&*^!! All I wanna do is
teach ol' B. W. here, some manners!!
Barret: So back off, foo'!!
Cid: HEY!! No one calls MY Shera names but ME!!
Barret: Close yo' trap, foo'!!
Shera: Hey, hey, hey, hey!! We're here to have fun,
not fight!! Besides, it's my time to shine here!!
Cid & Barret: YOU?!?
Shera: Yup. (to the rest of AVALANCHE and The
Turks) KICK IT!!
(AVALANCHE, The Turks, and Cid and Barret start
playing while Shera sings her lungs out to that effect.)
PLAY TOGETHER
Parody of Come Together
Performed by Shera
Shera:
Start the Playstation, an' get my
game controller,
an' the Memory Card,
an' my favorite game.
But what game is right for me?
There's no doubt it's got to be Final
Fantasy.
We love that Ehrgeiz, an' that Saga
Frontier,
as well, as Einhander, an' Chocobo
Racing.
But still, one thing, still rules, you see.
One thing I can tell you, it's Final
Fantasy.
All:
Play together, right now,
for ol' Square.
Shera:
Square made its debut in the
Nintendo world.
Our first five games came out
only in Japan there.
Then came Final Fantasy 3,
also known as Final Fantasy 6, you see.
All:
Play together, right now,
for ol' Square.
Solo
Shera:
Then FF7 came on The Playstation,
along, with FF8, as well as FF9.
Until PS2 came through for me--
with the tenth installment of Final Fantasy.
All:
Play together, right now,
for ol' Square.
Shera:
Play together......
(repeat x4)
(With the tune done, the audience cheers
their best, and then Cid approches Shera.)
Shera: Didn't think I could do it, eh?
Cid: Shera........I love you.....you stupid
*%@#$^&........
Shera: Oh, Cid, you sweet talker, you....
(As with Vincent and Lucretia, Cid and
Shera kiss, unmindful of the hoots and
cheers of the audience. And while we're
on the subject, in the said audience,
we see Kimari Ronso with Umaro, Shadow,
Strago and Sabin.)
Kimahri: Kimahri Ronso think Cid and Shera got
good chance at marriage.
Umaro: Urrrrrrgh!! Urrrrrrgh!!
Sabin: How can you say that? That guy curses
like a sailor, and smokes like a powder keg,
and poor Shera just takes it like a robot!!
Shadow: How do you think Ozzy and Sharon
Osbourne got started?
Strago: Marriages can be strange these days.
(Back on the stage, it's time for the next tune;
Tseng readies his violin and turns to the audience.)
Tseng (to the audience): OK, you wanted the best,
you got the best--AVALANCHE an' The Turks, so
the time's come to profess my love for Elena.
Elena: Me? Oh, Tseng, you shouldn't have.....!!
(Needless to say, Tseng and Elena become the
third couple to kiss before the audience.)
Rude: Hey, come on, you two, break it up, we've
got a tune to do.
Reno: If not sooner.
Tseng & Elena: Sorry.
(From there, AVALANCHE and The Turks play what
could be considered as one of three love parodies in
our tale here.)
ELENA
Parody of Oh!! Darling
Performed by Tseng of The Turks
Tseng:
Elena, please believe me,
I'll never flirt with Aeris.
Believe me when I tell you,
I'll never flirt with Aeris.
Elena, just don't snub me.
You're the sweetest Turk for me
Believe me when I beg you,
just don't say it's "GAME OVER."
When you found out that Sephiroth went an' stabbed me,
well I knew you nearly broke down an' cried.
When you found out that Sephiroth went an' stabbed me,
well I knew you nearly broke down an' died.
Elena, it wasn't Cloud,
that stabbed me in The
Temple.
Believe when I tell you,
it was that Sephiroth dude.
When I found out that Corneo bound you to Da-chao,
well you know I nearly blew up an' cursed
When I found out that Corneo bound you to Da-chao,
well you know, I had to save you soon first.
Elena, please believe me,
I'll never flirt with Aeris.
Believe me when I tell you,
I'll never flirt with Aeris.
Elena: Oh, Tseng........you DO love me......!!
Tseng:Yup.
(Once again, to the delight of the crowd, Tseng
and Elena kiss. Meanwhile, it's back to Rikku,
Tidus, Wakka and Yuna.)
Rikku (dreamily): Mmmmmmm........ain't love
grand........? (To Yuna, in Al Bhed) E muja
oui, Yunie........
Yuna: Oh, be a fine girl, kiss me......
(Yuna and Rikku kiss each other's face cheeks)
Wakka: HEY!! You're cousins!!
Yuna: Listen, you never heard of kissin' cousins?
Tidus: What was it you said to Yuna in Al Bhed?
Rikku: Believe it or not, I just said "I love you"
to Yunie.
Tidus: Sorry I asked.
Wakka: Amen, ja?
(Back on the stage, Elena announces the
next tune.)
Elena: We got a request from the WEAPONs
to pay tribute to them with the latest parody.
With that in mind, let's salute those that were
created by The Planet.
WEAPONS
Parody of Piggies
Performed by Elena of The Turks.
Elena:
Have you seen the giant WEAPONs
hidin' in the dirt?
An' for all the giant WEAPONs,
life is gettin' worse--
always bent on tearin' up The Planet.
Have you seen the Emerald WEAPON
in the deep blue sea?
Along with that Sapphire WEAPON,
who is runnin' free--
until he was stopped by The Sister Ray.
Diamond WEAPON's up an' abound
Ultimate WEAPON's on the loose.
Ruby's hidin' without a sound
Time to summon Knights Of The Round!!
Everywhere there's lots of WEAPONs,
livin' WEAPON lives.
You can see them in the crater
with their WEAPON wives,
usin' their hyper lethal Aire Tam Storm.
(Using one of her digital samplers, Tifa plays
the sound of Ultimate WEAPON's growl.
After that, the crowd cheers.)
Elena: Thank you.
(In the audience, we see the WEAPONs,
Ultimate, Sapphire, Ruby, Emerald and
Diamond cheering.)
Gogo: We're goin' to a gogo!!
Ultimate, Sapphire, Ruby, Emerald
& Diamond WEAPON: WEAPONs rule!!
Mog: Down in front!!
(Back on the stage, we see Reno and Rude.)
Reno: OK, group, me an' Rude, we'll all do a
two parody medley of first, that crummy Don
Corneo, who we fixed his wagon....
Rude:.....an' the place we love to hang out in
our spare time--the one an' only Costa del Sol.
(With the crowd cheering, AVALANCHE
and The Turks launch into the first half of the
medley.)
MEAN DON CORNEO
Parody of Mean Mr. Mustard
Performed by Reno of The Turks
Reno:
Mean Don Corneo owns Sector 6
an' gets his kicks, ownin' The Wall Market.
Always wears that Mohawk cut,
an' paradin' that fat gut.
What a crazy cuckoo bird nut
All:
Such a mean ol' man.
Such a mean ol' man.
Reno:
His new pet Rapps, is on the scene,
she's, oh so keen, with her Aero3.
For she's the Lessaloploth Queen.
Da-chao was where she was last seen,
an' Corneo's clock we did clean.
All:
Such a dirty ol' man
Dirty ol' man.
(The crowd--along with Rapps--cheers
while the second half of the medley starts.)
COSTA DEL SOL
Parody of Polythene Pam
Performed by Rude of The Turks
Rude:
Well you should see Costa Del Sol,
built with that ol' man Shinra's giant
bankroll.
You should had seen that Hojo,
when he had no place to go.
So you should see Costa Del Sol.
All:
Yea, yea, yea.
Rude:
Get a dose of drinks tonight at the bar.
At Cloud Strife's Villa, you just can't go too far.
Elsewhere down at the waves, you can party with
the babes,
while that crazy Mukki thinks he's a big star.
All:
Yea, yea, yea.
(While the audience cheers, Tifa turns to Cloud.)
Tifa: That reminds me--we've got to clean up the villa
after New Year's Day.
Cloud: I'll keep that in mind, eh?
Red XIII: Hey, Tifa, save me a grilled cheese sandwich
afterwards, OK?
Tifa: Sure thing.
(During that time, Reno, along with his cello and his
headset mike, makes his way to Yuffie's synth platform
riser till he is next to her. After sharing a kiss, they
turn to the audience.)
Yuffie: We're gettin' to the end of the third act, so let's
cap that with me an' Reno professin' our love to each other.
Reno: An' if our love turns into a hunka hunka burnin'
love, we can take them to Elvis in Vegas. Ready, Yuffers?
Yuffie: YUP!!
Reno: Then let's get started.
(With that in mind, Yuffie, Reno, AVALANCHE
and The Turks do their thing.)
WHEN I AM TWENTY FOUR
Parody of When I Am Sixty Four
Performed by Yuffie Kisaragi &
Reno of The Turks
Reno:
When I get older, still drinkin'
booze, many years from now.
Yuffie:
Will we still dine at the cafeteria,
an' then buy new materia?
Reno:
Would we kick butt with ol' Sephiroth,
like we did before?
Yuffie & Reno:
Will you still need me?
Will you steal from me,
when I am twenty four?
Yuffie:
Some gal's wed Vincent
an' her name's Lucretia;
she's so heaven sent.
I could be handy, with my talents,
fightin' the Shinra
Reno:
My Electro Mag Rod an' your
Conformer, we'll use to short
their transformer.
Yuffie:
Then we'll bomb the Mako
reactors--who could ask for more?
Yuffie & Reno:
Will you still need me?
Will you steal from me,
when I am twenty four?
Reno:
Every evening we can head to Wutai's
Turtles Paradise, an' then Gold Saucer.
We'll party like hell,
with the best of our friends:
Lulu, Relm an' Zell.
Get with it an' use your PHS
an' say you love me.
Yuffie:
I just LOVE a Turk in uniform, y' see.
Oh, Reno, you're SO right for me!!
Reno:
Yuffie, I love you--that ain't no lie--
mine forevermore.
Yuffie & Reno:
Will you still need me?
Will you steal from me,
when I am twenty four?
(With the tune done, the audience cheers
wildly while, once again, Reno and Yuffie
share a kiss. After that, Reno hightails it back to
The Turks. Back in the audience, we see Celes
and Locke.)
Celes: Now see, Locke, why can't we be like THOSE two?
Locke: But that dude's a drunk an' that gal steals stuff.
Celes: You should talk, the way you drink booze an'
make like a thief yourself.
Locke: TREASURE HUNTER!!
Celes: Hoo boy. But I love you, just the same.
Locke: Me too.
(While Celes and Locke kiss, back on the stage,
Tifa talks to the crowd.)
Tifa: OK, it's time for the last intermission, so we
hope to see you all back here for the fourth an' last act--
it's an absolute pip!! See you soon!!
Coming up: the last of the Beatle parodies, fortified with
Final Fantasy 7 flavor!!
(Upon their return to the stage, the
AVALANCHErs and The Turks make their
way back to their instruments, when the
audience howls with laughter; Tifa is
puzzled.)
Tifa: What?
(Shera glances for a moment, before bursting
into giggles.)
Shera (giggling): Tifa, did you check your left
foot just now?
Tifa: Left foot? (Upon lifting her left foot, she
discovers a long stream of toilet paper stuck
to the sole of her left shoe.) What the--? Oh
NO!! (Tears off the toilet paper off her foot
and glares at the AVALANCHERS.) Any of
you jokers that dare laugh at that gets his/
her BUT-TOCKS whupped, eh?!?
Zack: So much for good humor.......
(With everyone readying their instruments,
Vincent is back to his tamboura while Cloud
is ready with a sitar. Aeris is back to her
tabla, while Cid is standing by with a
swordmandel, Marlene with a dilruba, and
The Turks at their strings.)
Vincent (to the audience): Welcome back, all.
Lately, it's come to my attention, that a lot of
fanfiction writers have been, over the many years,
pairing me up with Yuffie. Now, while Yuffie is an
attractive girl, she's spoken for, now that she's
engaged to Reno of The Turks; as such, she and
Reno BELONG together!! Besides, I WISH
once and for all, that everyone would just get it
right, that my only REAL love is Lucretia. So with
that in mind, here's a tune that points it all out.
LUCRETIA, I LOVE YOU
Parody of Within You, Without You.
Performed by Vincent Valentine
Vincent:
We were talkin' --'bout the fanfic writers worldwide.
How they pair me--with Yuffie Kisaragi the ninja
sweetie.
They don't believe the truth--that Yuffietines suck--
and Lucretia's mine.
We were talkin'--'bout the time Hojo married you --
and ruined me.
After that, he sent me to sleep--for my sin.
The tabloids--how they spread the word--'bout
me and Yuffie.
Try to realize Yuffie just ain't my type, no one else can
make it change.
And despite what Hojo did to me and you,
right now, I say Lucretia, I DO love you.
We were talkin'--'bout the rumors that Elvis wed
me and Yuffie, in a Vegas wedding chapel--it's a lie--
can't they see--I love Lucretia?
First there was Aeris and Cloud--Tifa and Zack,
along with Cid and Shera--
Reno and Yuffie, they're so much in love, so
right now, I say Lucretia, I DO love you.
(After a remarkable solo, the tune finishes, to the cheers
of the audience.)
Vincent: Thanks. And namaste.
(Lucretia runs up to Vincent, and the two share a kiss, to
the hoots and cheers of the crowd.)
Lucretia (murmuring, to Vincent): I love you too.........
(In the audience, we see Tidus with Yuna and Rikku.)
Tidus: That Vincent......he definitely qualifies as the
George Harrison of AVALANCHE.
Yuna: After the way he played that tamboura, I
wouldn't doubt it.
Rikku: What would they think of next?
(As if in reply, Barret turns to the audience, and states
the following.)
Barret: What would we think of next? I'll tell you foos'
what would we'd think of next--ME!! It's my turn--to tell
you all that (A), there ain't no gettin' offa that train
we're on till we reach the end of the line, an' (B), a tale
of the BA-ADEST dude that caused so much trouble,
next to the likes of Corneo, the Shinra, an' that
STUU------------PID Jenova--Sephiroth.
Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Barret: FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO' !!!!!!!!!!!!
(With that in mind, AVALANCHE and The Turks
launch into the next tune.)
SEPHY'S MASAMUNE
Parody of Maxwell's Silver Hammer
Performed by Barret Wallace
Barret:
Shinra's President,
was a mean 'ol resident
rulin' The Planet,
usin' reactors to drain that Mako-oh-oh-oh.
Then came Sephiroth,
an' he was so overwrought
with violent anger.
An' he was here to get Ms. Jenova-ah-ah-ah.
But first, he went to Shinra's office,
an' sneaked up from behind.....
All:
Stab, stab, Sephy's Masamune came down,
right through his back
Stab, stab, Sephy's Masamune made sure
he n'er came back.
Barret:
Ol' Tseng of The Turks,
down inside The Temple works,
with Ms. Elena,
searchin' fo' that ol' Black Materia-ah-ah-ah.
Still, at any rate, Tseng then asked her
for a date.
So Elena said,
"Sure, Tseng, it's a date!!
I would love to go-oh-oh-oh...."
But when she hightailed it from the room,
ol' Seph came from behind.......
All:
Stab, stab, Sephy's Masamune came down,
right through his back
Stab, stab, Sephy's Masamune made sure
he n'er came back.
Solo #1
Barret:
In the Cetra land,
tragedy is close at hand;
Aeris stands alone,
prayin' for the Holy to save the day-ay-ay-ay.
Cloud then took his stance, then he fell
into a trance, with his sword held high,
(with his sword held high)
until he snapped out of it just in ti-i-i-ime.
But when Aeris glanced up at Cloud's face,
Sephiroth made his move.......
All:
Stab, stab, Sephy's Masamune came down
right though her back
Stab, stab, Sephy's Masamune made sure
she n'er came back.
Solo #2
All:
Masamune......
(The crowd cheers a lot while Barret shoots up
in the air, dum dum bullets from his gun arm.)
Cid: Barret, you %@*#$^&!! Stop shootin' those &$#%@*^
bullets before they hurt some one!!
Barret: They're just dum dum bullets--they can't hurt no one.
Cid: Sure--dum dum bullets from a dum dum like you.
Barret: Grrrrrrr, you're a dead man, Highwind!!
Cid: You %@#*&^$!!!!
(Cid and Barret charge towards each other, only for
Shera to stand between them.)
Shera: Cid!! Barret!! Stop it!! You've gone nuts!!
Cid: Butt out, Shera, you %@#$&*^!! All I wanna do is
teach ol' B. W. here, some manners!!
Barret: So back off, foo'!!
Cid: HEY!! No one calls MY Shera names but ME!!
Barret: Close yo' trap, foo'!!
Shera: Hey, hey, hey, hey!! We're here to have fun,
not fight!! Besides, it's my time to shine here!!
Cid & Barret: YOU?!?
Shera: Yup. (to the rest of AVALANCHE and The
Turks) KICK IT!!
(AVALANCHE, The Turks, and Cid and Barret start
playing while Shera sings her lungs out to that effect.)
PLAY TOGETHER
Parody of Come Together
Performed by Shera
Shera:
Start the Playstation, an' get my
game controller,
an' the Memory Card,
an' my favorite game.
But what game is right for me?
There's no doubt it's got to be Final
Fantasy.
We love that Ehrgeiz, an' that Saga
Frontier,
as well, as Einhander, an' Chocobo
Racing.
But still, one thing, still rules, you see.
One thing I can tell you, it's Final
Fantasy.
All:
Play together, right now,
for ol' Square.
Shera:
Square made its debut in the
Nintendo world.
Our first five games came out
only in Japan there.
Then came Final Fantasy 3,
also known as Final Fantasy 6, you see.
All:
Play together, right now,
for ol' Square.
Solo
Shera:
Then FF7 came on The Playstation,
along, with FF8, as well as FF9.
Until PS2 came through for me--
with the tenth installment of Final Fantasy.
All:
Play together, right now,
for ol' Square.
Shera:
Play together......
(repeat x4)
(With the tune done, the audience cheers
their best, and then Cid approches Shera.)
Shera: Didn't think I could do it, eh?
Cid: Shera........I love you.....you stupid
*%@#$^&........
Shera: Oh, Cid, you sweet talker, you....
(As with Vincent and Lucretia, Cid and
Shera kiss, unmindful of the hoots and
cheers of the audience. And while we're
on the subject, in the said audience,
we see Kimari Ronso with Umaro, Shadow,
Strago and Sabin.)
Kimahri: Kimahri Ronso think Cid and Shera got
good chance at marriage.
Umaro: Urrrrrrgh!! Urrrrrrgh!!
Sabin: How can you say that? That guy curses
like a sailor, and smokes like a powder keg,
and poor Shera just takes it like a robot!!
Shadow: How do you think Ozzy and Sharon
Osbourne got started?
Strago: Marriages can be strange these days.
(Back on the stage, it's time for the next tune;
Tseng readies his violin and turns to the audience.)
Tseng (to the audience): OK, you wanted the best,
you got the best--AVALANCHE an' The Turks, so
the time's come to profess my love for Elena.
Elena: Me? Oh, Tseng, you shouldn't have.....!!
(Needless to say, Tseng and Elena become the
third couple to kiss before the audience.)
Rude: Hey, come on, you two, break it up, we've
got a tune to do.
Reno: If not sooner.
Tseng & Elena: Sorry.
(From there, AVALANCHE and The Turks play what
could be considered as one of three love parodies in
our tale here.)
ELENA
Parody of Oh!! Darling
Performed by Tseng of The Turks
Tseng:
Elena, please believe me,
I'll never flirt with Aeris.
Believe me when I tell you,
I'll never flirt with Aeris.
Elena, just don't snub me.
You're the sweetest Turk for me
Believe me when I beg you,
just don't say it's "GAME OVER."
When you found out that Sephiroth went an' stabbed me,
well I knew you nearly broke down an' cried.
When you found out that Sephiroth went an' stabbed me,
well I knew you nearly broke down an' died.
Elena, it wasn't Cloud,
that stabbed me in The
Temple.
Believe when I tell you,
it was that Sephiroth dude.
When I found out that Corneo bound you to Da-chao,
well you know I nearly blew up an' cursed
When I found out that Corneo bound you to Da-chao,
well you know, I had to save you soon first.
Elena, please believe me,
I'll never flirt with Aeris.
Believe me when I tell you,
I'll never flirt with Aeris.
Elena: Oh, Tseng........you DO love me......!!
Tseng:Yup.
(Once again, to the delight of the crowd, Tseng
and Elena kiss. Meanwhile, it's back to Rikku,
Tidus, Wakka and Yuna.)
Rikku (dreamily): Mmmmmmm........ain't love
grand........? (To Yuna, in Al Bhed) E muja
oui, Yunie........
Yuna: Oh, be a fine girl, kiss me......
(Yuna and Rikku kiss each other's face cheeks)
Wakka: HEY!! You're cousins!!
Yuna: Listen, you never heard of kissin' cousins?
Tidus: What was it you said to Yuna in Al Bhed?
Rikku: Believe it or not, I just said "I love you"
to Yunie.
Tidus: Sorry I asked.
Wakka: Amen, ja?
(Back on the stage, Elena announces the
next tune.)
Elena: We got a request from the WEAPONs
to pay tribute to them with the latest parody.
With that in mind, let's salute those that were
created by The Planet.
WEAPONS
Parody of Piggies
Performed by Elena of The Turks.
Elena:
Have you seen the giant WEAPONs
hidin' in the dirt?
An' for all the giant WEAPONs,
life is gettin' worse--
always bent on tearin' up The Planet.
Have you seen the Emerald WEAPON
in the deep blue sea?
Along with that Sapphire WEAPON,
who is runnin' free--
until he was stopped by The Sister Ray.
Diamond WEAPON's up an' abound
Ultimate WEAPON's on the loose.
Ruby's hidin' without a sound
Time to summon Knights Of The Round!!
Everywhere there's lots of WEAPONs,
livin' WEAPON lives.
You can see them in the crater
with their WEAPON wives,
usin' their hyper lethal Aire Tam Storm.
(Using one of her digital samplers, Tifa plays
the sound of Ultimate WEAPON's growl.
After that, the crowd cheers.)
Elena: Thank you.
(In the audience, we see the WEAPONs,
Ultimate, Sapphire, Ruby, Emerald and
Diamond cheering.)
Gogo: We're goin' to a gogo!!
Ultimate, Sapphire, Ruby, Emerald
& Diamond WEAPON: WEAPONs rule!!
Mog: Down in front!!
(Back on the stage, we see Reno and Rude.)
Reno: OK, group, me an' Rude, we'll all do a
two parody medley of first, that crummy Don
Corneo, who we fixed his wagon....
Rude:.....an' the place we love to hang out in
our spare time--the one an' only Costa del Sol.
(With the crowd cheering, AVALANCHE
and The Turks launch into the first half of the
medley.)
MEAN DON CORNEO
Parody of Mean Mr. Mustard
Performed by Reno of The Turks
Reno:
Mean Don Corneo owns Sector 6
an' gets his kicks, ownin' The Wall Market.
Always wears that Mohawk cut,
an' paradin' that fat gut.
What a crazy cuckoo bird nut
All:
Such a mean ol' man.
Such a mean ol' man.
Reno:
His new pet Rapps, is on the scene,
she's, oh so keen, with her Aero3.
For she's the Lessaloploth Queen.
Da-chao was where she was last seen,
an' Corneo's clock we did clean.
All:
Such a dirty ol' man
Dirty ol' man.
(The crowd--along with Rapps--cheers
while the second half of the medley starts.)
COSTA DEL SOL
Parody of Polythene Pam
Performed by Rude of The Turks
Rude:
Well you should see Costa Del Sol,
built with that ol' man Shinra's giant
bankroll.
You should had seen that Hojo,
when he had no place to go.
So you should see Costa Del Sol.
All:
Yea, yea, yea.
Rude:
Get a dose of drinks tonight at the bar.
At Cloud Strife's Villa, you just can't go too far.
Elsewhere down at the waves, you can party with
the babes,
while that crazy Mukki thinks he's a big star.
All:
Yea, yea, yea.
(While the audience cheers, Tifa turns to Cloud.)
Tifa: That reminds me--we've got to clean up the villa
after New Year's Day.
Cloud: I'll keep that in mind, eh?
Red XIII: Hey, Tifa, save me a grilled cheese sandwich
afterwards, OK?
Tifa: Sure thing.
(During that time, Reno, along with his cello and his
headset mike, makes his way to Yuffie's synth platform
riser till he is next to her. After sharing a kiss, they
turn to the audience.)
Yuffie: We're gettin' to the end of the third act, so let's
cap that with me an' Reno professin' our love to each other.
Reno: An' if our love turns into a hunka hunka burnin'
love, we can take them to Elvis in Vegas. Ready, Yuffers?
Yuffie: YUP!!
Reno: Then let's get started.
(With that in mind, Yuffie, Reno, AVALANCHE
and The Turks do their thing.)
WHEN I AM TWENTY FOUR
Parody of When I Am Sixty Four
Performed by Yuffie Kisaragi &
Reno of The Turks
Reno:
When I get older, still drinkin'
booze, many years from now.
Yuffie:
Will we still dine at the cafeteria,
an' then buy new materia?
Reno:
Would we kick butt with ol' Sephiroth,
like we did before?
Yuffie & Reno:
Will you still need me?
Will you steal from me,
when I am twenty four?
Yuffie:
Some gal's wed Vincent
an' her name's Lucretia;
she's so heaven sent.
I could be handy, with my talents,
fightin' the Shinra
Reno:
My Electro Mag Rod an' your
Conformer, we'll use to short
their transformer.
Yuffie:
Then we'll bomb the Mako
reactors--who could ask for more?
Yuffie & Reno:
Will you still need me?
Will you steal from me,
when I am twenty four?
Reno:
Every evening we can head to Wutai's
Turtles Paradise, an' then Gold Saucer.
We'll party like hell,
with the best of our friends:
Lulu, Relm an' Zell.
Get with it an' use your PHS
an' say you love me.
Yuffie:
I just LOVE a Turk in uniform, y' see.
Oh, Reno, you're SO right for me!!
Reno:
Yuffie, I love you--that ain't no lie--
mine forevermore.
Yuffie & Reno:
Will you still need me?
Will you steal from me,
when I am twenty four?
(With the tune done, the audience cheers
wildly while, once again, Reno and Yuffie
share a kiss. After that, Reno hightails it back to
The Turks. Back in the audience, we see Celes
and Locke.)
Celes: Now see, Locke, why can't we be like THOSE two?
Locke: But that dude's a drunk an' that gal steals stuff.
Celes: You should talk, the way you drink booze an'
make like a thief yourself.
Locke: TREASURE HUNTER!!
Celes: Hoo boy. But I love you, just the same.
Locke: Me too.
(While Celes and Locke kiss, back on the stage,
Tifa talks to the crowd.)
Tifa: OK, it's time for the last intermission, so we
hope to see you all back here for the fourth an' last act--
it's an absolute pip!! See you soon!!
Coming up: the last of the Beatle parodies, fortified with
Final Fantasy 7 flavor!!