Shadow of a Doubt
Chapter Thirteen: Running Away
By Capella no da
A/N: Thanks to OddBallSlasher-thanks for the IM :) Sorry I couldn't respond but next time I'm on I'll try and thank you ^_~
I've got one thing to say -- to one of the reviewers, 'me'. I like to get constructive criticism. But the way you said that was extremely rude. As a matter of fact, I have read the Silmarillion. That is why I put all that stuff about the Silmarillion in my last chapter. I told you that I am not sticking EXACTLY to the plotline. I'm a diehard Tolkien fan, but this is FANfiction. NOT written by Tolkien, not exactly like the books. So, deal.
As usual, dedicated to my reviewers.
____________________
"I did enough to show you that I
was willing to give and sacrifice
and I was the one who was lifting you up
when you thought your life had had enough
when I get close, you turn away
nothing that I can do or say
so now I need you to tell me the truth
you know I would do that for you..."
-- Hoobastank, "Running Away"
Numbly, Harry turned away from the scene in front of him and sat down hard on the dirt floor of the forest, resting his forehead on his knees. He ran his hands through inky black hair and shut his eyes tightly.
If I leave, I kill him.
A tear fell onto the forest floor before Harry could wipe it away and he stared at it in near despair, watching as it soaked slowly into the ground.
If I stay, I die. And then he'll die as well.
"Why me?" he whispered, looking up through the tangle of tree limbs to the slowly darkening sky beyond. There was no answer.
He slowly got up and went next to the dying fire, curling up and trying his best to fall asleep.
An hour or two later found Harry lying on his back, staring up at the twinkling stars. He remembered a conversation he and Legolas had back in Rivendell, before they'd left -
~"Do you see that, Harry? It's the Sickle of the Valar, set by Elbereth. She set it there as a challenge to Melkor, those seven stars."
"What does that mean?" He remembered Legolas's twinkling gray eyes as he'd looked down at Harry, wrapping an arm around Harry's shoulders in an almost bittersweet embrace.
"It's a sign that no matter what, the night will be overcome. Never forget that, Harry."~
I've got to find a way to save him, Harry thought desperately. Maybe I could...if I just acted distant...he'd forget he ever loved me?
Hearing the soft, barely there footfalls behind him, Harry shut his eyes and pretended to be asleep, praying that the elf would leave.
I don't want to hurt you, Legolas.
"Harry, we have to leave." A pale hand touched his shoulder, shaking him gently. Avoiding Legolas's eyes, Harry opened his eyes slowly and started to get up. "Gandalf told me that you're to ride with me to Isengard. We...I'm glad you stayed." Legolas lifted Harry's chin and looked into his eyes, his own gray ones saying everything that he couldn't.
Whatever protest Harry was about to make fled his mind when Legolas pressed a kiss to Harry's lips, gripping Harry's shoulders and pulling him closer. Harry froze in shock.
Legolas backed up, near-panic showing on his face before being smothered by sadness. "Harry, I'm sorry, I -" He looked away, blonde hair covering his face for a moment. "We should get going. Follow me." He whirled around and silently ran through the green foliage. Harry stared after him for a long while before following with a heavy heart.
____________________
"How far to Isengard?" Harry said loudly over the pounding of hooves. The arms wrapped around Legolas's waist tightened for a second. His voice betrayed the fear of either Saruman or the horse, Legolas wasn't sure which.
The elf smiled slightly. "Only a few hours, Harry." It was useless to hold conversation when Legolas was sure that Harry could barely hear a word he said.
Suddenly, the grip on his waist tightened hard, fine tremors passing through Harry's body pressed up against Legolas's back. Then, just as suddenly, the arms let go.
God, not now! Harry thought in despair as he felt the first wave of horrible pain rip through him, grabbing his insides and reducing it to what felt like a fiery mass writhing in his stomach. His whimper was drowned out by the wind and the hooves and with a feeling of hopelessness, Harry let go and felt himself fall.
He hit the ground rolling but was barely aware of the rocks scraping his cheek, nor the pain of landing. He curled up in a ball, panting into the dust beneath his head as he fiercely fought for his consciousness. His eyes were clenched shut, trying desperately to keep the tears from dropping. Faintly, he heard hoofbeats, then a soft sound as someone dropped to their knees beside him. He couldn't help the cry that escaped his lips when someone touched him on the forehead. His whole body erupted with pain.
"Don't. Touch. Me," he whispered. He felt the hand draw back.
"Harry?" Legolas said softly, worrying, as he tried to pick Harry up. Harry tried futilely to keep in a scream.
"Your. touch. *hurts*. me." He stiffened, willing the fire coursing through his body to go away. The insistent, painful hands left his body, and Harry could breathe for a moment before the next wave of pain hit. He noted, as his stomach felt like it was ripped apart, that the pain was worse than the last one. Gritting his teeth to keep the cries in, he willed himself to remain conscious. Then slowly, as always, the pain began to reluctantly recede and let go of his body. He was left lying in the grass and dirt, eyes still tightly squeezed together. A tentative hand touched his shoulder.
"Harry, are you alright?" Aragorn asked softly. Harry shakily pushed himself to his feet.
"I'm fine."
"You fool!" Legolas said suddenly, surprising Harry with the vehemence in his voice. "For the love of the Light, Harry -- you're dying." His hands cupped Harry's face, searching his eyes, and Harry could have sworn he saw the glittering of tears. "You're dying," he whispered again. Harry tore his head out of Legolas's grip and looked at the ground, tried to keep the tears back.
"Leave it be, Legolas," Gandalf said, startling them. "We have time against us, and we must speed to Isengard." Legolas nodded silently, mounting his horse and beckoning for Harry to do the same. The rest of the ride was spent in silence.
It was at the broken gates of Isengard when Harry began to lose his nerve.
He'd been watching the black tower appear from the horizon for a while, but now, with the gleaming stones only a few hundred yards away, Harry could feel panic grip him tightly, breath coming faster and hands shaking.
~"I daresay you should be careful. The creatures down there are not adverse to manflesh."~
Harry shivered despite the bright sun, caught in memories he didn't want, of sharp teeth and hot, fetid breath down his neck, bloodlust shining all too clear in yellow eyes.
~"He says that he doesn't if he wants to eat the pretty mortal or fuck him."
"Y-you can't--"
"Yes, I can, little Valar, and if you don't obey me, you'll find yourself entertaining these Orcs very soon. And I don't know if even you can survive that. I'm sure after a good fuck they get very hungry."~
Harry squeezed his eyes shut. I'm strong. I can do this and Saruman has no power over me. I'm just as strong as he is.
In an attempt to take his mind off the threatening shadow that was growing in his mind, he asked Legolas where the Riders of Rohan that Gandalf had told him about were.
"They are already here," Legolas answered. "When it was apparent that you had been captured, Gandalf sent them ahead so he could come and save you."
Despite the destraction, Harry began to shake almost uncontrollably as Legolas's horse stopped by two small figures. He paid them no attention, his eyes riveted on the tower. Only when the figure's voices intruded on the haze covering Harry's thoughts did he look down.
"Merry?" he gasped. "Pippin!"
The two hobbits laughed merrily. "So you've decided to join us, Master Harry!" Pippin said gaily. And it was then that Harry saw his surroundings, and realized the destruction all around him. The whole ring around the tower was filled with bubbling, hissing water, wreckage floating aimlessly in the muddy water. Harry heaved a sigh of relief that the horrible pits where he had been were flooded. He noticed belatedly that Gandalf had already ridden off, and only he, Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn were left.
As they dismounted to sit near the hobbits, Harry let his mind wander from the conversation. He gazed up at the tower, feeling flickers of discontentment deep in the pit of his stomach. Can I face Saruman? he thought uneasily, fancying that he saw a drawn, gaunt face in one of the upper windows before it vanished.
"Who did all this?" he asked absently. He didn't realize that he had spoken out loud until Merry replied.
"It was Treebeard, and his Ents. They were madly furious when they got here from the Entmoot, and just began tearing everything down." He laughed at Harry's quizzical look. "I'm sure you'll see some Ents sooner or later."
Suddenly Harry swayed a little, the days of little sleep and pain catching up to him. Pippin noticed and took pity.
"Let us get you to somewhere you can rest, Harry. I'm sure the others want luncheon anyway - at least I do. Guarding is hard work!"
The hobbits led the others under an arch and to a door at the top of a staircase. In it was a large chamber, a hearth, and a chimney. There was a fire lit on the hearth. In a corner were two makeshift pallets.
Harry went to one and collapsed, head spinning from exhaustion. Almost immediately he was asleep.
He came awake not an hour later to a hand shaking his shoulder.
"We're going to go take a look at Isengard, Harry." Pippin sat back on his heels. "Do you want to come?"
Harry felt the familiar clutch of panic send tremors through his body. I have to do this, he thought desperately. I have to do this or the nightmares -- the memories -- will never leave me. He got up on surprisingly steady legs, following Legolas out the door.
As they stood upon a heap of rocks, they could see figures picking their way through the waste, heading for the tower.
"There is Gandalf, and Theoden, and his men!" Legolas said. "Let us go and meet them!" He cast a searching look to Harry, gray eyes asking permission. Wearily, Harry nodded.
"Walk warily! There are loose slabs that may tilt up and throw you down into a pit, if you don't take care." Harry's stomach lurched at Merry's words, knowing all too well just what was in those dark pits.
As they approached the men, the riders paused to let them catch up. Gandalf came forward to meet them.
"Well, Treebeard and I have had some interesting discussions, and made a few plans, and have had some much needed rest. Now we must be going on again. I hope you have all rested too?"
"We have," Merry said, "But our discussions began and ended in smoke. Still, we feel less ill-disposed toward Saruman than we did." Speak for yourself, Harry thought, glancing up at the looming dark tower.
"Do you indeed? Well, I do not. I must pay Saruman a farewell visit." Immediately, Harry's face turned ghostly pale. Gandalf didn't notice. "Dangerous, and probably useless, but it must be done. Those of you who wish may come with me - but beware! And do not jest! This is not the time for it."
"What's the danger? Will he shoot at us, and pour fire out of the windows; or can he put a spell on us from a distance?" Pippin asked.
"The last is most likel if you ride to his door with a light heart," said Gandalf. "But there is no knowing what he can do, or may choose to try. A wild beast cornered is not safe to approach. And Saruman has powers you cannot guess. Beware of his voice!"
Harry forced himself to stop trembling as they finally came to the foot of Orthanc. He knew it all too well; black and chiseled, with a great door high above the ground on the eastern side. Over it was a shuttered window, opening upon a balcony hedged with iron bars. Up to the door were twenty-seven stairs. Harry fought not to remember his flight not so long ago down those same steps. Gandalf and Theoden dismounted.
"I will go up," Gandalf said. "I have been in Orthanc and I know of my peril."
"And I too will go up," said Theoden. "I am old, and fear no peril anymore. Eomer shall come with me, and see that my feet do not falter."
Chapter Thirteen: Running Away
By Capella no da
A/N: Thanks to OddBallSlasher-thanks for the IM :) Sorry I couldn't respond but next time I'm on I'll try and thank you ^_~
I've got one thing to say -- to one of the reviewers, 'me'. I like to get constructive criticism. But the way you said that was extremely rude. As a matter of fact, I have read the Silmarillion. That is why I put all that stuff about the Silmarillion in my last chapter. I told you that I am not sticking EXACTLY to the plotline. I'm a diehard Tolkien fan, but this is FANfiction. NOT written by Tolkien, not exactly like the books. So, deal.
As usual, dedicated to my reviewers.
____________________
"I did enough to show you that I
was willing to give and sacrifice
and I was the one who was lifting you up
when you thought your life had had enough
when I get close, you turn away
nothing that I can do or say
so now I need you to tell me the truth
you know I would do that for you..."
-- Hoobastank, "Running Away"
Numbly, Harry turned away from the scene in front of him and sat down hard on the dirt floor of the forest, resting his forehead on his knees. He ran his hands through inky black hair and shut his eyes tightly.
If I leave, I kill him.
A tear fell onto the forest floor before Harry could wipe it away and he stared at it in near despair, watching as it soaked slowly into the ground.
If I stay, I die. And then he'll die as well.
"Why me?" he whispered, looking up through the tangle of tree limbs to the slowly darkening sky beyond. There was no answer.
He slowly got up and went next to the dying fire, curling up and trying his best to fall asleep.
An hour or two later found Harry lying on his back, staring up at the twinkling stars. He remembered a conversation he and Legolas had back in Rivendell, before they'd left -
~"Do you see that, Harry? It's the Sickle of the Valar, set by Elbereth. She set it there as a challenge to Melkor, those seven stars."
"What does that mean?" He remembered Legolas's twinkling gray eyes as he'd looked down at Harry, wrapping an arm around Harry's shoulders in an almost bittersweet embrace.
"It's a sign that no matter what, the night will be overcome. Never forget that, Harry."~
I've got to find a way to save him, Harry thought desperately. Maybe I could...if I just acted distant...he'd forget he ever loved me?
Hearing the soft, barely there footfalls behind him, Harry shut his eyes and pretended to be asleep, praying that the elf would leave.
I don't want to hurt you, Legolas.
"Harry, we have to leave." A pale hand touched his shoulder, shaking him gently. Avoiding Legolas's eyes, Harry opened his eyes slowly and started to get up. "Gandalf told me that you're to ride with me to Isengard. We...I'm glad you stayed." Legolas lifted Harry's chin and looked into his eyes, his own gray ones saying everything that he couldn't.
Whatever protest Harry was about to make fled his mind when Legolas pressed a kiss to Harry's lips, gripping Harry's shoulders and pulling him closer. Harry froze in shock.
Legolas backed up, near-panic showing on his face before being smothered by sadness. "Harry, I'm sorry, I -" He looked away, blonde hair covering his face for a moment. "We should get going. Follow me." He whirled around and silently ran through the green foliage. Harry stared after him for a long while before following with a heavy heart.
____________________
"How far to Isengard?" Harry said loudly over the pounding of hooves. The arms wrapped around Legolas's waist tightened for a second. His voice betrayed the fear of either Saruman or the horse, Legolas wasn't sure which.
The elf smiled slightly. "Only a few hours, Harry." It was useless to hold conversation when Legolas was sure that Harry could barely hear a word he said.
Suddenly, the grip on his waist tightened hard, fine tremors passing through Harry's body pressed up against Legolas's back. Then, just as suddenly, the arms let go.
God, not now! Harry thought in despair as he felt the first wave of horrible pain rip through him, grabbing his insides and reducing it to what felt like a fiery mass writhing in his stomach. His whimper was drowned out by the wind and the hooves and with a feeling of hopelessness, Harry let go and felt himself fall.
He hit the ground rolling but was barely aware of the rocks scraping his cheek, nor the pain of landing. He curled up in a ball, panting into the dust beneath his head as he fiercely fought for his consciousness. His eyes were clenched shut, trying desperately to keep the tears from dropping. Faintly, he heard hoofbeats, then a soft sound as someone dropped to their knees beside him. He couldn't help the cry that escaped his lips when someone touched him on the forehead. His whole body erupted with pain.
"Don't. Touch. Me," he whispered. He felt the hand draw back.
"Harry?" Legolas said softly, worrying, as he tried to pick Harry up. Harry tried futilely to keep in a scream.
"Your. touch. *hurts*. me." He stiffened, willing the fire coursing through his body to go away. The insistent, painful hands left his body, and Harry could breathe for a moment before the next wave of pain hit. He noted, as his stomach felt like it was ripped apart, that the pain was worse than the last one. Gritting his teeth to keep the cries in, he willed himself to remain conscious. Then slowly, as always, the pain began to reluctantly recede and let go of his body. He was left lying in the grass and dirt, eyes still tightly squeezed together. A tentative hand touched his shoulder.
"Harry, are you alright?" Aragorn asked softly. Harry shakily pushed himself to his feet.
"I'm fine."
"You fool!" Legolas said suddenly, surprising Harry with the vehemence in his voice. "For the love of the Light, Harry -- you're dying." His hands cupped Harry's face, searching his eyes, and Harry could have sworn he saw the glittering of tears. "You're dying," he whispered again. Harry tore his head out of Legolas's grip and looked at the ground, tried to keep the tears back.
"Leave it be, Legolas," Gandalf said, startling them. "We have time against us, and we must speed to Isengard." Legolas nodded silently, mounting his horse and beckoning for Harry to do the same. The rest of the ride was spent in silence.
It was at the broken gates of Isengard when Harry began to lose his nerve.
He'd been watching the black tower appear from the horizon for a while, but now, with the gleaming stones only a few hundred yards away, Harry could feel panic grip him tightly, breath coming faster and hands shaking.
~"I daresay you should be careful. The creatures down there are not adverse to manflesh."~
Harry shivered despite the bright sun, caught in memories he didn't want, of sharp teeth and hot, fetid breath down his neck, bloodlust shining all too clear in yellow eyes.
~"He says that he doesn't if he wants to eat the pretty mortal or fuck him."
"Y-you can't--"
"Yes, I can, little Valar, and if you don't obey me, you'll find yourself entertaining these Orcs very soon. And I don't know if even you can survive that. I'm sure after a good fuck they get very hungry."~
Harry squeezed his eyes shut. I'm strong. I can do this and Saruman has no power over me. I'm just as strong as he is.
In an attempt to take his mind off the threatening shadow that was growing in his mind, he asked Legolas where the Riders of Rohan that Gandalf had told him about were.
"They are already here," Legolas answered. "When it was apparent that you had been captured, Gandalf sent them ahead so he could come and save you."
Despite the destraction, Harry began to shake almost uncontrollably as Legolas's horse stopped by two small figures. He paid them no attention, his eyes riveted on the tower. Only when the figure's voices intruded on the haze covering Harry's thoughts did he look down.
"Merry?" he gasped. "Pippin!"
The two hobbits laughed merrily. "So you've decided to join us, Master Harry!" Pippin said gaily. And it was then that Harry saw his surroundings, and realized the destruction all around him. The whole ring around the tower was filled with bubbling, hissing water, wreckage floating aimlessly in the muddy water. Harry heaved a sigh of relief that the horrible pits where he had been were flooded. He noticed belatedly that Gandalf had already ridden off, and only he, Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn were left.
As they dismounted to sit near the hobbits, Harry let his mind wander from the conversation. He gazed up at the tower, feeling flickers of discontentment deep in the pit of his stomach. Can I face Saruman? he thought uneasily, fancying that he saw a drawn, gaunt face in one of the upper windows before it vanished.
"Who did all this?" he asked absently. He didn't realize that he had spoken out loud until Merry replied.
"It was Treebeard, and his Ents. They were madly furious when they got here from the Entmoot, and just began tearing everything down." He laughed at Harry's quizzical look. "I'm sure you'll see some Ents sooner or later."
Suddenly Harry swayed a little, the days of little sleep and pain catching up to him. Pippin noticed and took pity.
"Let us get you to somewhere you can rest, Harry. I'm sure the others want luncheon anyway - at least I do. Guarding is hard work!"
The hobbits led the others under an arch and to a door at the top of a staircase. In it was a large chamber, a hearth, and a chimney. There was a fire lit on the hearth. In a corner were two makeshift pallets.
Harry went to one and collapsed, head spinning from exhaustion. Almost immediately he was asleep.
He came awake not an hour later to a hand shaking his shoulder.
"We're going to go take a look at Isengard, Harry." Pippin sat back on his heels. "Do you want to come?"
Harry felt the familiar clutch of panic send tremors through his body. I have to do this, he thought desperately. I have to do this or the nightmares -- the memories -- will never leave me. He got up on surprisingly steady legs, following Legolas out the door.
As they stood upon a heap of rocks, they could see figures picking their way through the waste, heading for the tower.
"There is Gandalf, and Theoden, and his men!" Legolas said. "Let us go and meet them!" He cast a searching look to Harry, gray eyes asking permission. Wearily, Harry nodded.
"Walk warily! There are loose slabs that may tilt up and throw you down into a pit, if you don't take care." Harry's stomach lurched at Merry's words, knowing all too well just what was in those dark pits.
As they approached the men, the riders paused to let them catch up. Gandalf came forward to meet them.
"Well, Treebeard and I have had some interesting discussions, and made a few plans, and have had some much needed rest. Now we must be going on again. I hope you have all rested too?"
"We have," Merry said, "But our discussions began and ended in smoke. Still, we feel less ill-disposed toward Saruman than we did." Speak for yourself, Harry thought, glancing up at the looming dark tower.
"Do you indeed? Well, I do not. I must pay Saruman a farewell visit." Immediately, Harry's face turned ghostly pale. Gandalf didn't notice. "Dangerous, and probably useless, but it must be done. Those of you who wish may come with me - but beware! And do not jest! This is not the time for it."
"What's the danger? Will he shoot at us, and pour fire out of the windows; or can he put a spell on us from a distance?" Pippin asked.
"The last is most likel if you ride to his door with a light heart," said Gandalf. "But there is no knowing what he can do, or may choose to try. A wild beast cornered is not safe to approach. And Saruman has powers you cannot guess. Beware of his voice!"
Harry forced himself to stop trembling as they finally came to the foot of Orthanc. He knew it all too well; black and chiseled, with a great door high above the ground on the eastern side. Over it was a shuttered window, opening upon a balcony hedged with iron bars. Up to the door were twenty-seven stairs. Harry fought not to remember his flight not so long ago down those same steps. Gandalf and Theoden dismounted.
"I will go up," Gandalf said. "I have been in Orthanc and I know of my peril."
"And I too will go up," said Theoden. "I am old, and fear no peril anymore. Eomer shall come with me, and see that my feet do not falter."