Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters belong to Minekura-sensei. We've done nothing to gain profit from this little fic. Well, nothing financial that is, just the rippling warmth in our hearts when we set these guys in yaoi scenes…..
Warning: Before you read it, please be warned that this fic has a very dark tone with twisted angsty plot and sexual abuse content. Don't read if you don't have a heart to read these kinds of stuff or to see the characters in distress and pain.
Heal the Healer
A fanfiction of Gensomaden Saiyuki
Plotter: Yoong
Writer: Sumeragi Sakura yami_no_tsubasa@otakumail.com
Part IV: Envy
Gojyo appeared at the threshold of the room. He leant his body on the wooden threshold, his cigarette dangling from between his lips. He looked refreshed after taking a bath, and obviously looking very glad to wear some dry clothes.
Hakkai looked up at him, after he tugged a thick blanket over Sanzo's body. Gojyo nodded at him casually, while his eyes were staring at Hakkai rather meaningfully. But he said nothing, except….
"I ran out of cigarette. I'm going to the shop. Anything I can get you?"
Hakkai smiled. "We need some more bandages. I've used all that the inn master provided us. I'm going to need a new set of clean ones when I change it tomorrow morning."
Gojyo nodded again. He turned away from the threshold and walked listlessly to the hallway.
"Oh, Gojyo! Don't forget to buy some medical supplies too!" shouted Hakkai before Gojyo's humped figure disappeared from his sight.
"Hai, hai….," answered Gojyo from the hallway.
"Will you stop shouting? My head's throbbing here," grunted Sanzo grumpily.
Hakkai smiled apologetically, turning his body to face Sanzo, who sat on the bed, leaning his back on the mountains of inn pillows arranged at the head of the bed. "I'm sorry, Sanzo."
Sanzo didn't answer him. Instead, he stared upsetly at Goku who was clinging closely at his elbow. "And aren't you supposed to be in your room. It's past your bedtime."
Goku scowled. "Stop treating me like a child, Sanzo…."
"I'm not treating you like a child. You DO need to sleep ten hours a day so you can wake up less whiny the next day. We're going to leave early tomorrow, so you better go to sleep now!"
"We're not going anywhere tomorrow, Sanzo. I may have stopped the bleeding and hastened the healing process, but your wound is still open. We can't risk a ride on the Jeep until the wound is closed," argued Hakkai.
"We've been delayed for far too long. We're going tomorrow, early in the morning."
"Sanzo! We're not leaving until you're completely all right," said Goku.
"I AM all right!"
"No, you're not! You're bleeding! Here, if I touch you here, you'll hurt."
Goku deliberately poked at Sanzo's dried wound. Sanzo winced in pain, but immediately hid it by smacking his holy fan on the monkey's head.
"BAKA!!!"
"See, it's still hurt, isn't it?"
"It wouldn't hurt so much if you didn't do that!"
"So, that means we're staying tomorrow. Right, Hakkai?"
"Uh…sure…you shouldn't touch the wound, Goku…," answered Hakkai, smiling. "But Sanzo's right. You need your rest. You've fought a lot today, Goku. You should sleep now."
Goku scowled again. "No! All of us have fought a lot today! You too, Hakkai. So, there's no reason for me to leave Sanzo's side."
"What?" snapped Sanzo, his face blushed like a reaped tomato.
Goku turned to face Sanzo. "There's no reason for me to leave you, injured like this."
"BAKA!!!"
"What, Sanzo? Why don't you want me to stay here with you?"
"Because you're too noisy! I can't sleep if you're around."
"But I want to!"
The more Sanzo snapped Goku's hands away from him, the tighter Goku clanged to him. He held the arm tightly against his chest and looked deeply into Sanzo's eyes. Sanzo gritted his teeth. He wanted so much to look away, but something…..something in the boy's gleaming eyes told him not to. It was sincerity. It was caring. And it embarrassed him so much to face the honest feeling face to face like this.
"I want to be there for you when you wake up in pain in the middle of the night. I know you will and I don't want you to wake up alone. I'm not going to be so noisy. Just let me stay here, Sanzo. I want to take care of you…just like the way you took care of me when I was sick in the temple."
Sanzo averted his eyes, away from the soulful ones who were staring at him hopefully. He sighed deeply, torn between embarrassment and a slightly tingling feeling that warmed his chest. He didn't push Goku's embracing hands anymore. He just stared outside the window in silence.
"Baka…..," he whispered after a long while.
Goku's frowning face gradually turned into a smiling one. He laughed as happily as a little boy, holding Sanzo's arm in his even tighter.
Hakkai turned away, painfully tortured inside to see the obvious display of compassion in the room. He stood up abruptly, muttered his intention of going to sleep with a pretended smile and left the room immediately. Outside, he leant his back on the door, bending his head down.
He tried to kill the aching yearning that gripped his heart in a painful twist. He'd rather be injured in a battle and died at the spot, than to had to go through all this pain. How long ago was it? Like a dejavu, a recollection of a similar event in his life. But it would never happen again. He had no one. Nothing. No matter how grumpily Sanzo complained about Goku's existence in his life, Hakkai always knew that he never really wants to actually abandon the boy. Without realizing it, the two of them had grown to depend on each other, to need each other.
Another pang of pain hit him in the chest. Hmph, pain, it was not. It was more like jealousy. He wanted his share of happiness once again. He wanted to have the soft, soothing hands of Kanan to caress his aching skin again. He wanted to have someone to care for him again, as much as Kanan had always did.
Kanan, Kanan…..it all lead to one answer.
He needed Kanan. His Kanan.
But he knew he couldn't and knowing that hurt even more.
+ + + + +
How are you feeling, Gonou?
She smiled at him. A face so beautiful and cheerful hung close. He could feel her warm, sweet breath grazing his face softly. A breath that smelled like flowers, wild flowers blooming in the meadow. Her eyes shimmered with the glitter of happiness. Her soft brown hair, fell down to the side of her face, like a silky veil adorned a marble sculpted bust, so beautiful, so sincere.
I've made you some warm soup. You should eat it to regain your strength.
She inclined her body towards him to let her soft, warm fingers to stroke his cheek. Just one touch of those fingers, just one graze, he would be relieved from any pain his body was suffering. And she smiled again, even more tenderly than before.
He caught the white hand that was stroking his face, brought it to his lips and grazed a kiss on the sleek skin. They didn't have to say anything, for the warm air around them was so filled with the tingling emotions shared between them without the need to use words at all. Their eyes locked together in silence, a heart shuddering silence, while their feelings traveled the empty space between them, reaching for each other. Caressing. Loving.
She took his hand in hers and brought it to her face. Closing her eyes, she stroked her face using his hand. So calmly, yet passionately. He trembled under the torrent of emotions that battered his heart. When she opened her eyes again, a single drop of tears fell down. Down and down towards her chin. But her lips smiled a smile of happiness.
I'm so glad I met you, Gonou….
She bent her body over the bed and let herself be buried inside his opened arms. So soft and tender, so precious and priceless. That was all she was for him. And he took her in, into his arms, into his heart, into his soul. She was now one with him. His soul was her soul. His heart was her heart. His life was her life.
They shared a kiss, a bond so intimate to unite their longing hearts. No words needed, no promises spoken. They were bonded, flesh and soul, with the warm, tingling air as their witness.
She was his everything.
She was…..
Hakkai opened his eyes slowly. Staring at the empty ceiling, he let a drop of tear melted down his face. The warm touch of her left a trace on his skin. As if she was here. As if she touched him just now. Her image was still smiling before his eyes. He didn't want to look other way, afraid that he would lose the image if he did.
He brought his hands to his eyes. He closed his eyes, wanting to trap her image before him forever. But he missed her touch so much, it didn't help to see her smiling to him. He wanted to scream and he would if screaming would help to ease the ache that crawled all over his skin.
But screaming wouldn't help. There was no other way but to endure it. So he gritted his teeth while shuddering hard, trying all his might to survive another lonely night, another painful nightmare.
Damn it….
He forced his weary body to raise itself from the bed. That was enough nightmares for tonight. To Hakkai, nightmares didn't always mean bad dreams. Any dream, anything, that would remind him of Kanan, or even anything remotely related to her, was a nightmare to him. And right now he was feeling too weary and weak to endure another one.
It was still at night. The inn was empty, devoid of any sound but the dull thudding of rain outside the window. He stared out at the rain-beaten window pane and soon was lost in another sequence of memories, of the past that had been dragging him back into its embrace even if he had been fighting against it. The greatest enemy to you was yourself, so they said. In a way, it was the truth for Hakkai. He didn't think he could ever escape from the emotional torment he himself created and let live. What the rain did was always reminding him of the night he lost Kanan. The night she stabbed herself, depriving Hakkai, Cho Gonou at that time, the happiness he seek to have.
Hakkai shuddered, tried to climb out of his own thoughts. He decided, sleeping would only let another nightmare to conquer him. He wasn't feeling like being conquered tonight. He stood and got up.
Hakkai walked out of his room, trying to find anything that would take his mind off his own memory. He walked in barefooted inside the empty hallway. The hallway was dim.
Hakkai walked past Sanzo's door. He stopped hesitantly. He turned and saw the door was slightly opened. His instinct as a healer was telling him to go check on the room. His head told him to check on the wounded patient. But his heart tried to deny it, thinking how painful it was for him to see Sanzo and Goku's earlier display of affection. However, his instinct won and he approached the door to push it open in a deliberately slow swing.
It was the sweetest sight he'd seen during their long journey. Goku was asleep soundly on the chair beside the bed. His head was leant on Sanzo's arm, while his hands held Sanzo's hands tightly close to his body. His shoulder raised and fell in a rhythmic heaving. His face, boyish and innocent, was almost angelic.
There was something familiar about this. Hakkai almost choked by his own surprise and recollection. Kanan. Goku reminded him so much of Kanan. Kanan too slept by his side every time he fell sick. She would ignore Hakkai's suggestion to rest. She would insist to stay by his side all night, making sure he would sleep in peace. She would lean her head on his shoulder and hold his hands in hers, just like Goku did.
A stab of pang pierced through his heart. For a fleeting second, Goku was no longer Goku. He was Kanan. He was someone he had longed to see all this time, longed to touch.
For a fleeting second. Just a flash of hallucination his mind tricked himself into seeing. In less than a second, the vision faded away. But the effect it left on Hakkai was overwhelming. Choked by his own surprise, he felt an aching pang deep inside his chest, deep and deep inside, where he still denied the real truth.
At the moment, he realized that his yearning for Kanan had grown stronger and deeper. There was no turning back for him. He couldn't relieve himself the lonesome longing.
Perhaps he shouldn't follow his instinct and just left them be. Apparently, he was too late.
Sanzo turned his gaze to the door, seeing Hakkai's intense gaze on him and the boy by his side. A frown pricked on his brows, a wondering thought sneaked into his head. Hakkai had been acting strange since this morning. He remembered seeing the man fought for control over himself when they were riding on the Jeep and Goku was saying something. Something about how perfect Hakkai is as a man. What made Hakkai tensed up after hearing that, was lost to Sanzo.
But he didn't really intend to find out. He was not the kind of person who liked to dip his toe in other people's trouble. At least, not without the proper, if not forced, invitation.
Hakkai realized Sanzo's stare was directed at him. He smiled nervously, entered the room and approached the wounded man.
"How's the wound?" he asked in a perfectly trained calm voice.
Sanzo stared at him in silence for a while. Hakkai swore that this sharp man must had known there was something wrong with him. But whether he knew it or not, he seemed like he didn't want to bring the matter up to the surface. How very Sanzo.
Which was good, actually.
Neither did Hakkai.
"It hurts only when this baka moves in his sleep…He's holding me too tight…," answered Sanzo, also in a calm voice.
There were no hints of irritation in his voice. So, in truth, he wasn't really bothered with the presence of the sleeping boy by his bed. Hakkai smiled bitterly, more to himself than to Sanzo.
He took Sanzo's face in his hands, searching for some signs of fever. The monk's skin was warm. Yet, there was no sign of fever or whatsoever. Sanzo kept staring at him, and with their current position now, their faces were only inches apart from each other's. Hakkai forced himself to remain calm when Sanzo's cold eyes stared at him.
Did he know about how I feel lately? He thought in anticipation. Ready for anything Sanzo would ask him.
"Hey…."
Hakkai blinked in surprise. "What?"
"I owe you one for this."
Sanzo averted his eyes when he said this, his voice was rougher than usual. But he sounded genuine, which made Hakkai couldn't help but smiled.
"Ah, no problem with that, Sanzo. I owed you one before, remember, when you didn't turn me in to the authority back then?"
"We call it even, then?"
"Of course."
There was a rustling sound from the doorway. Gojyo stood there, leaning his back on the threshold again. His face shone with a dim sign of the pleasant night he had spent in town. His trademark cigarette was dangling like usual from between his liquor-wet lips. He held a dull gray paper bag in one of his hand, while the other hand searched inside the bag for a while before it threw a pack of brand new bandages to Sanzo's bed.
"There you go. Ch'… I feel like a mother hen taking care of its little chick….," remarked the man.
A thick vein popped on Sanzo's temple. "I'm NOT your little chick!"
"Uh…thank you for the bandages, Gojyo…."
Gojyo shrugged and grinned. "Looks like he's getting better, isn't he? Looks like his spine has returned."
Sanzo snorted.
Hakkai smiled. "Now, now, let's just get out of here, Gojyo. Sanzo still needs his rest."
Gojyo raised both of his brows. "Oooh…looks like he's pretty comfortable with the monkey boy. Isn't that sweet, right, Hakkai?"
Hakkai didn't say anything.
"Just get out of here!" hissed Sanzo. "And while you're at it, might as well take this monkey out with you. I need to be alone for awhile."
"Ohh…you mean, you're just being nice to let him sleep on his own bed. Sleeping on that chair will give him a helluva cramp in the morning."
"Shut up and get out!"
Hakkai shook his head and approached the boy to pick him up. He was surprisingly light. Hakkai would never realize it if he hadn't picked the boy up. A soft, gurgling moan escaped the boy's mouth when Hakkai took him into his arms. But he didn't wake up. Instead, he comfortably nuzzled his face on Hakkai's chest.
"Oh, look, a baby monkey," Gojyo took a peek from behind Hakkai's shoulder.
"Let's go, Gojyo," Hakkai walked to the door. "Have a good rest tonight, Sanzo. Your wound will feel better in the morning if you do."
Sanzo didn't say anything. He just stared at them when they left his room. Hakkai brought the sleeping boy to Goku's room. Gojyo followed him from behind. Hakkai put the boy on the bed and tugged a blanket over his body.
Gojyo sighed. "Heeeeh…I thought he won't be able to sleep at all, with his Sanzo's being injured badly. Guess he's really thick in the head, doesn't he?"
"No, he's just being the innocent that he is. He's relieved after he knows Sanzo's going to be all right. After his worry being lifted, his initial exhaustion from the fight came to him and he just…fell asleep."
"Not suppressing one's feeling is good," said Gojyo again. "You should do it too, Hakkai."
Hakkai turned to face him in one abrupt swing. "What?"
"You heard me. You shouldn't suppress your feelings any longer."
Hakkai averted his eyes from Gojyo's sharp ones. "What makes you say I'm suppressing my feelings?"
Gojyo walked towards him. He looked determined, like a man with a certain goal set in his mind. Hakkai couldn't help but felt a little intimidated. He knew he shouldn't. But he did, he did step back uncertainly. Gojyo raised his hand and tugged on Hakkai's elbow, catching his friend before he could step away.
"How long have I known you, Hakkai?" he asked in soft whispers, right into Hakkai's ears.
"Several years, Gojyo?"
"Don't you think that after all those years, I've grown to know you…really well?"
Gojyo took Hakkai's face in his hand. Hakkai looked into his magenta eyes, slightly dazzled by the fiery will they always shone. Gojyo put his other hand on the other side of Hakkai's face, cradling his friend's face close to his. He leant his forehead on Hakkai's, waiting for Hakkai's body to loosen up the tension it bore.
"I…I was scared when I saw you in the forest today…," whispered Gojyo.
"Gojyo…"
"Sssh….let me finish… Ever since that day, since the day you came back to my place, you…you've never shown any signs, any indications of your past anymore. So, I thought you've put it all behind."
Hakkai felt his blood frozen in his vein. Did Gojyo know about his nightmares? About his eternal longing for Kanan? About how he felt when he saw Goku?
"I've never been bothered by you past, Hakkai. So you're free to tell me anything you want to talk to me about…. I'm all ears for you…. Don't bury your feelings inside, to let it explode when you can't take it anymore. Just like today."
"Gojyo…."
"It was the rain, wasn't it? Just like what happened with Sanzo today. Both of you were distracted by the rain."
"The rain?"
"The rain that triggered your awakening. That side of yours has been asleep for years, but the rain triggered it awake again."
That is wrong, Gojyo, Hakkai thought bitterly. It would've been easier if it is because of the rain. Yet, it isn't. It is Goku, what the boy said and did is the cause. But you don't know that, Gojyo. And I can't tell you that.
"I've heard about your power, but I've never seen it with my own eyes," Gojyo continued. "And I'm worried. Not to those who received your power, but what the power will do to you."
Hakkai blinked his eyes. "What…...what are you talking about, Gojyo?"
"The other side of you. The You who was awakened today, was the same one who turned you into a youkai years ago. In that incident in the mansion."
Hakkai smiled with relief. So that was what Gojyo thought all this time. The awakening of the demonic side of him, the Hakkai that had killed a thousand of youkai in one night. His smiled widen, more gleefully. It was the other "awakening" he didn't wish anyone to find out, not even Gojyo.
"Why are you smiling?" Gojyo frowned his brows.
Hakkai shook his head. "No…I'm fine, Gojyo. I might lose it a little today. You're right. Must be the rain. And the fact that you think I'm such a perfect man, even though I know for sure that I'm not. It really kills me inside."
"But you are…"
"What?"
Gojyo averted his eyes, avoiding Hakkai's questioning ones. "…perfect…"
"Gojyo…."
"Don't tell the others I told you this!" the man threatened in embarrassment.
Smiling, Hakkai assured him with a friendly squeeze on his arm.
"No, I won't. Thank you for worrying about me. And I'm sorry…"
Gojyo took him into his arms, in a tight close embrace. Hakkai closed his eyes, inwardly cursing himself for hiding his feelings from his closest friend. A pang of guilt stabbed his heart. He nuzzled his face on Gojyo's blue vest, whispering his apologies to his friend wordlessly.
"Don't thank me. That's the least I can do for you," whispered Gojyo, rather hoarsely. "So…next time, just tell me…about what you feel. I hate to see you torturing yourself like that…"
"Yes….I'm sorry…"
Gojyo released him from the tangle of his arms. He cracked a wide grin on his lips. He patted Hakkai on the cheek, in a friendly manner.
"Naah…don't worry. Just don't do that again, okay?"
After making sure that Hakkai was all right, Gojyo stated his intention of retreating to his room. He cheerfully left the room, striding casually back to his room. Hakkai didn't move even after Gojyo disappeared from his sight. Instead of feeling as cheerful as Gojyo did, he felt the burden in his heart had grown heavier. He had not only avoid telling his friend the truth, he also lied about it. It wasn't easy for him to lie to Gojyo. The man had accepted him inside his place and let Hakkai to depend on him. Gojyo took him in even though he didn't know anything about Hakkai, even though he thought about Hakkai as a homeless bump lying almost dead in the gutter. And after Gojyo learnt about his dark, bloody past, he still wanted to take him in. To be his friend. To care for him enough to get angry every time Hakkai drowns himself in his mournful reverie.
And to a man who had done all of those things to him, Hakkai had to lie.
It didn't feel good. It actually felt awful.
But somehow, somehow Hakkai knew he wasn't ready to share the deepest thought, the most intimate need that had been bothering him, even to Gojyo. Not yet.
I'm sorry, Gojyo….
He gritted his teeth. He suddenly grew very angry at this whole situation. At the madness that had been ravishing his soul. At the lost of control Gojyo had to witness. At the thousands of nagging needles piercing through his skin every time he was reminded about Kanan. At the need of someone else's touch.
And the trigger to them all was not the rain.
It was the one who was right now sleeping so peacefully right next to him, as though nothing had happened. Hakkai turned to glare at the sleeping Goku, chest heaving with rage.
If only this boy hadn't been here, he wouldn't have to feel this miserable.
This boy, with all of his sickening innocence and stupid boyish naivete.
This boy, who had been insensitive enough to judge him.
This boy, who deliberately displayed his affection openly to Sanzo right before his eyes.
And this boy, who caused him to lie about the torture the boy had been giving him, to the best friend he had ever had in his life.
Enough was enough.
If Goku hadn't been here, he would probably be able to live more peacefully.
And now he was sleeping so soundly, as if nothing had happened. Hadn't he aware of what he had done to me? Such unfairness. While he suffered here because of him, Goku was peacefully sleeping.
Hakkai didn't realize it.
When he could actually see with his eyes again, and not being lost in his thoughts, he saw his hands, his own hands, raised and spread their fingers over Son Goku's throat.
He stopped in mid air.
Trembling hard in mid air, feeling his blood frozen in his body, he stopped himself.
His eyes stared with disbelief at his own hands, pale and terrified.
What had he almost done?
What had he been thinking?!
Gods, what would've happened if he didn't stop himself?
If he couldn't stop himself.
Staggering backwards, with cold shiver running through his body, Hakkai whimpered while feeling as if he almost lost his sanity, right here, right now. He stared at the sleeping boy with wide eyes. He kept staggering backwards, until his back hit the wall and he sunk to the floor as his feet gave up on him.
What if he hadn't stopped himself…..?
Gods…..
***TBC***
Note: We know you might think we did a mistake with Kanan's death. Yep, she slitted her throat in the anime, as we all know. We referred to her death in Minekura's original story in the manga, in which she stabbed her stomach, not slitting her throat.
yoong's A/N: The story finally got a hint of yaoi. Let's guess who're the pairing! BTW, many Hakkai's fans might find it became more and more uneasy to read Hakkai in distress. Sorry, but the show must go on! I still have a lot of pain to torture him. snicker
Sumeragi Sakura's Rambling: Oh, I love the plot better and better *clasp hands for Yoong* The darker it gets, the more exciting it will be. And this story IS getting darker and angstier every chapter. But I love it. I hope you do too ^__~