V
Dear Mrs. Landingham.
He paused, considering his words carefully.
I'm sorry I haven't written lately. Life has been - he grinned - eventful.
I suppose the first and most important change that I should warn you of is that I no longer intend to enter the priesthood. After some soul searching, in perhaps its most literal sense, I have come to the conclusion that the monastic life is not for me, and if I am to do God's work in this world, it will be in some other, heretofore unforeseen capacity.
As you can imagine, this has had rather an impact on my plans for the future. I no longer intend to major in theology; as it stands, I now plan to minor in that subject, and to major in American Studies. After this, I may go on to take a second degree, in economics. One of my tutors, Dr. Weber, has intimated to me that I could almost be assured a place at the London School of Economics, should I choose to apply.
You probably wonder why I wouldn't jump at such at chance, and the truth behind my reluctance is a little surprising, even to myself. You see... I met a girl.
Yes, I can hear you laughing, even from here.
I really did. I met a girl. A wonderful girl. Her name is Abigail Barrington, and I think I love her. I haven't told her that yet, but I think she knows. I'd like to think she loves me too, although she could do much better. I hope she doesn't figure that out. Not very altruistic of me, I know, but I honestly don't know what I would do if I should lose her.
Listen to me, I must sound totally lovestruck. And I am. I didn't know I could ever feel like this about anyone. She's so amazing! I feel like I've found a part of myself I didn't know was missing. I have not yet reached the stage where the lyrics to sappy love songs start seeming profound, but I'm sure it's only just around the corner.
And so to my future. I find I can no longer think of a single future plan that doesn't include her. I want to go to London, but how can I ask her? We've barely known each other half a year, and already I dream of whisking her off around the world with me. And she has plans of her own - she wants to go to medical school, and how could I be so selfish as to ask her to delay that or change that because I would miss her so if she didn't come with me? Could I live that time without her, if I had to?
It sounds so crazy when I put it down on paper, and yet these questions occupy my waking moments. I find myself awhirl with questions and crazy thoughts of a future so far ahead that it almost seems a deadly jinx to think of it. The world is suddenly full of so many strange and wonderful things to dream of.
Father, of course, disapproves, but I expected that. He was furious when I first announced my intent to join the priesthood, now he is furious that I abandon it. It's cold and lonely in New Hampshire without you. I find I have no one I can talk to. I'd swear Jonathan is taller every time I go back, but he never grows any wiser, and he doesn't understand or care about the things I think about.
I no longer know what I intend to do with my life - where my path was once a true and clearly marked line, I now see a trail that branches into more possibilities than I can count. Perhaps I will go to London. Perhaps I will not. Perhaps I will become an economist, or a teacher, or something else that I have not yet thought to dream of.
I only know that wherever I go, I plan to have Abbey with me. You always used to chide me for not living up to my promise, not standing up for myself and being all I could be. I think that in Abbey, I have found the strength at last to do so, and as long as she is by my side, I'm ready for my future, whatever it may be.
Yours, as ever,
Jed.
He set down the pen and re-read the letter, a little unsettled to have bared his soul so readily on paper, yet also somewhat proud. He sealed it quickly before he could reconsider his courage, and pocketed it to walk down to the postbox.
Writing to Mrs. Landingham somehow had almost the effect of talking to her. Even before his missive had winged its way across state lines to reach her, he could hear her no-nonsense tones in his mind, telling him what to do, refusing to allow him that one inch of wiggle room he wanted to give himself.
He knew what he had to do, he'd just been avoiding it. Sooner or later, you had to step away from the safe ground, and make your leap of faith. He would talk to Abbey, and tell her of his opportunity to go to London, and how desperately he wished not to be parted from her for that time. He would find out what the future held.
He found his chance to talk to Abbey a few days later, when Matt had been safely seen off to the train station to return to college, and the two of them finally got to grab a moment together out on the back step where she'd first kissed him.
"Cloudy tonight," she observed, her head against his shoulder.
"Yeah." Only a scattering of stars was visible, and they twinkled furiously in the strong wind. Still, the others were still up there somewhere.
"The year's going fast," Abbey said softly, and he wondered if her thoughts had been following the same tracks as his own. "Seems like it was only Christmas a moment ago, then it was spring break, now Matt's off back to college and the new term's starting..."
"And soon it'll be summer," Jed finished.
"And then what?"
"And then-" He broke off, not knowing the answer.
"If I go off to college, I won't be able to see you," she burst out suddenly, looking upset.
"I know." He watched his own fingers, twining around each other.
"I mean- What if I get accepted out of state, or if- what happens once you finish your degree?"
Jed bit the bullet. "Dr. Weber thinks I could get into the London School of Economics."
"London?" She looked horrified for a moment, then her face quickly grew firm with resolve. "I could look for a med school in England- take some college courses over here, and transfer over when you go..."
He laid a gentle finger across her lips to silence her, and followed it up with a kiss. So many plans to make... but at least his worst fears had been allayed. She wanted to be with him. What else mattered?
"We'll think of something," he said softly. "We'll find a way to be together. I- I don't want to lose you, Abbey. I feel like- I don't know what I feel like. I've never felt like this before."
"Me neither." She snuggled closer against him, and he breathed in the scent of her hair. "Spring break felt so long... I don't know if I could last a whole semester without you."
"It won't come to that," he promised. "Even if I have to come back here every weekend, it won't come to that."
She chuckled gently. "Oh, come on, you couldn't hitch your way home from five miles away, you're gonna make your way across the Atlantic every week?"
"For you I would," he said solemnly. She tilted her head to look up at him, eyes bright.
"Smooth talker."
He smirked. "Always."
"You've got a silver tongue," she accused.
"And you should know. These days you're more closely acquainted with it than I am."
"Jed!" She punched his shoulder, only pretending to be outraged.
"Well, you're insatiable!" he defended himself. "Every time I turn around, you're trying to- Mmph."
She pulled away from him several long and rather enjoyable seconds later. He quirked an eyebrow. "QED."
"Shut up," she ordered, shaking her head but grinning widely, and then she kissed him again.
The future was still to be decided, but who cared? Right now, the present had rather a lot to recommend it.
Daniel had to admit that - provided he didn't dwell too closely on exactly what had been going on out on that back step - he was developing quite an affection for the boy. As his young opponent frowned over the chess board, he thought privately to himself that Jed had changed a lot in the months since they'd known him.
Jed had never been precisely shy, but certainly he'd been very unassuming, and extremely reluctant to put others to any trouble. As he'd grown more comfortable around the Barringtons, his true colours had come to the surface; and they were some bold and impressive colours indeed.
Jed had strong opinions about many things, but he was also willing to listen, and had an insatiable desire to learn. He had a facility with words that made him fascinating to listen to; he would have made a great preacher, had things turned out differently, and Daniel thought that now perhaps he might do well to turn to teaching or some other profession where his ability to speak would serve him well.
"Have you thought about what you're going to do when you leave college now?" he probed gently. They'd fallen into a habit of this, chess games in the evenings before Jed went home. Most young men would probably have performed some quite impressive gymnastic feats to wriggle out of spending time with the father of their girlfriend, but Jed seemed to welcome it. Daniel supposed he had little opportunity to ever spend such time with his own father.
He rested his chin on a fist now, thoughtful over more than the permutations of the current arrangement of chess pieces. "I've been think about applying to the London School of Economics."
"England?" Daniel regarded him sharply. "Quite a step."
"I know." He took a chance, and slid his knight in to take one of Daniel's bishops. "I was talking to Abbey about it, how we- It would be difficult."
"Different sides of the world," Daniel noted, moving to protect his rook being menaced by the knight. Jed swallowed slightly, as if building his courage.
"She did suggest that... maybe for a few years she could think about... transferring to a medical school in, in England..."
"Oh yes?" he said, with careful neutrality. Jed dropped his eyes nervously.
"Obviously, it's just a- it was just an idea-"
"Jed. I've long ago learned the futility to expecting to be able to order my daughter to do anything. If she wants to chase you across the globe, then no doubt she will whether it has my blessing or not... so we'll let her make her own decisions." Jed's shoulders relaxed noticeably in relief. It seemed he had not quite shed his habit of expecting to be angrily cut down or even struck for daring to voice a suggestion which might not meet with one hundred percent approval.
Which brought Daniel onto his next point. "But that's for further in the future, and there will be time to discuss in more in due course. What about this coming summer; are you going home?"
"Uh, yes sir, I suppose."
"You could stay here, you know," he said neutrally. Of course it would involve some creative juggling with Matthew present if Jed's house rental couldn't be extended over the summer months, but he was damned if he was going to send the boy back to whatever horrors New Hampshire held without offering an escape route. Matt had come to him before returning home with suspicious questions about the number of bruises Jed had on his body, and Daniel had pulled him aside for a discreet talk. After that, his attitude to his sister's young boyfriend had thawed out noticeably.
Jed seemed momentarily startled by the offer, then took a deep breath. "Sir, that's... that's very generous of you, but New Hampshire is my home. It's where my father lives, and my brother, and I ought to- I ought to go back and see them."
Daniel read the unspoken subtext to the words, and could support the sentiment if not the sensibility of it. He didn't want to give in to fear; to run from his father now might mean running for the rest of his life. Commendable, perhaps... but it still exposed the boy to a violence he shouldn't have to face up to.
"Very well," he nodded, turning his attention back to the chessboard. "But the offer is open."
He only wished there was some way he could do more.