Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters belong to Minekura-sensei. We've done nothing to gain profit from this little fic. Well, nothing financial that is, just the rippling warmth in our hearts when we set these guys in yaoi scenes…..

Warning: Before you read it, please be warned that this fic has a very dark tone with twisted angsty plot and sexual abuse content. Don't read if you don't have a heart to read these kinds of stuff or to see the characters in distress and pain.

Heal the Healer

A fanfiction of Gensomaden Saiyuki

Plotter: Yoong

Writer: Sumeragi Sakura yami_no_tsubasa@otakumail.com

Part VII: Lost

Goku ran. Into the dense forest swallowed by the pitch black of the night, he ran. Each step brought him deeper and deeper to the heart of the forest. It was not that he wanted to go there. He just wanted to run away. To escape. The forest would provide the best hiding place. He knew that none of his friends would follow him, much to his boyish disappointment. He ran away not because he wanted them to call him back. He just wanted to run away. He needed to run away.

Why exactly he wanted to run away, he wasn't sure. He was angry, that he was certain about. He felt hurt and betrayed. He befriended those guys for years and now accompanying them in this long journey. He felt there was a bond that tied them all together. More than friendship. Definitely more than just as travelling companions. But what Hakkai did had insulted their bond and he made use out of it for his personal pleasure.

That was what Goku couldn't bring his heart to forgive just yet. Physical pain could be healed, but broken trust wouldn't be easily mended. Goku had every right to be angry. He had every right to deny forgiveness to the friend who had crossed the line. He had shown the man what he felt.

Yet, he wasn't happy about it.

He remembered seeing Hakkai's wounded look when Goku slapped his hand away and shouted at him. He could clearly feel the hurt of rejection and denial that tortured Hakkai. Good. That served him right. That was what Goku supposed to feel. Supposed to say. Yet, he couldn't say it. He just couldn't. Instead, he felt awful. As if the guilt had dropped on him, though it wasn't his wrong doing from the first place.

He choked a pant out of his exhausted lungs. He stopped running and leant his arm against a huge trunk of a tree. The silent forest air was suddenly filled with his loud heavings of breath. He bowed down, leaning his other hand against one of his knees.

Damn it!

He banged the innocent tree with his fist. Damn it! Why did he have to do that? Why must it be Hakkai? If it were Gojyo, he wouldn't be this confused. But it was Hakkai. The man he considered as the saint of all the people he knew. A very dear friend; a quiet, resolute man with wisdom and patience that was beyond his years. A perfect man. A perfect friend. He even told Hakkai himself about it.

He remembered Hakkai's slightly tensed respond to his opinion.

He waved the alien notion away from his mind by then. Was it the first signal of Hakkai's peculiarity of behavior? Was there any other?

I'll make you feel what I feel.

He remembered how Hakkai said those words before he…. Goku winced. The recollection was far too fresh to remember that just by thinking about it, it brought back the whole vicious assault into his mind. He didn't think he could bear it right now. Not right now.

He was now confused, disoriented with his own thoughts. He felt he had lost something yet couldn't tell what it was. He was furious, for Hakkai had returned his years of close friendship with such betrayal. Yet, Goku couldn't help to admit that he felt like hell when he saw Hakkai's wounded look when he rejected him.

But he had the right to do it, damned it!

Goku slapped his hand over his forehead and his eyes. He was utterly at his wit's end. He was blinded with the mix of contrasting feelings that clashed inside his chest right now. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to feel. But he did know he didn't want to go back to the inn and face the man again.

As if some twisted divinity could hear his thought just now, there were the sounds of rustling leaves heard from around him. Out of the bushes and the tree leaves, came black silhouettes that moved with the agility of light and vigilance of well-trained pradators. Goku didn't have the time to react, before the band of black figures had him surrounded.

"What the hell is going on?" asked Gojyo. "Did you have a fight?"

Gojyo approached the still-stunned Hakkai. Sanzo was still standing by the window, as still as statue of marble. His eagle-sharp eyes shot at Hakkai, his face unreadable.

"Oi, Hakkai, tell me, what's going on?" asked Gojyo again, when he was near enough to see Hakkai's blank face.

Without answering, as if he didn't hear the questions, Hakkai turned around and headed to his room. Gojyo blinked twice, startled to see his friend's cold attitude, before striding to follow Hakkai.

He pushed open the door Hakkai was closing behind him. Anger took over Gojyo right now. Anger and impatience. He had forced himself to be patient for the last few days, giving some space for Hakkai to be alone with his peculiar behavior. He didn't think he could give any more time. He was sick of feeling left out and distrusted. He wanted things to go back to the way they used to be.

"Damn it, Hakkai! If you're not going to tell me what the hell is going on, I'm going to choke the answer out of you. Literally!"

Hakkai gasped his surprise when he found himself being grabbed by the collar by his best friend. Silently, he looked into Gojyo's eyes and found genuine anger blazing in those magenta orbs. Did he really care or was he just being curious? No, curiosity alone wouldn't anger Gojyo.

Hakkai wondered whether Gojyo would divert the anger to him when Hakkai told him about the truth. What was more important, was Hakkai ready to lose another friend today, for that what he knew would happen if he told the truth?

He didn't think so.

Gently, Hakkai pushed Gojyo's hands away from his own collar. Smiling bitterly, he opened his mouth to assure his friend.

"No more crappy "I'm fine, don't worry" bullshit again, Hakkai!" barked Gojyo, getting angrier and angrier every minute passed. "I'm not as stupid as to believe that! I want to hear the truth. Damn it! Since when do you think you can't count on me?"

Hakkai looked away, feeling too coward to face his friend's demanding eyes. "It's not that, Gojyo…"

"What is it then?"

"I can't discuss this with you.."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm scared."

"Of what? Damn it, Hakkai, just cut the chase here.."

"Of losing you."

"What?"

"As I have lost Goku, I don't think I can bear losing you as well."

Gojyo stared at his friend. He drew a long sigh. Hakkai did open his mouth as he asked him to do, yet he still couldn't understand a thing. Hakkai's words were strange to his ears, though. Why would Hakkai thought he would lose him? As well as he has lost Goku?

Gojyo walked past Hakkai and sat on the bed, followed by Hakkai's stare. He looked up and sighed again.

"Tell me everything, Hakkai. From the very beginning."

By that, Hakkai gave in. He started to relate everything from the beginning. His soft voice gently floated in the air, through the opened door, and turned into quiet whispers in the hallway.

Goku rolled on the ground. He successfully dodged the long spear thrust from one of the youkais. He swung his Nyoibou, a magical wooden stick he had been having for most of his life, low over the ground, sweeping the feet of his attacker off the ground. A flicker of something moving at his side caught by the corner of his eyes. He leaped up to a standing pose to evade the swishing blade of another youkai's sword. The blade missed his chest, but hit his right arm.

"EAT THIS!!"

Growling in anger, he thrust his stick toward the new youkai. His magic stick lengthened itself, hitting the youkai right at the guts. The youkai fell down to the ground, cradling his stomach, with a loud groan of pain.

Two youkais down. Goku scanned the rest of his assaulter. There were five more leaping towards him, and four more in the background, ready to attack him whenever they have the chance. He didn't know how many they were. He predicted, from the last battle with them, they came in big flocks.

That was no good news. He was already wounded. He pressed his palm to the gushing wound at his right arm. His right sleeve was soaked in fresh blood. He could still use it to hold his weapon, but the pain had numbed and stiffened the arm. He might not be able to fight for too long. That was if he didn't lose too much blood already.

They could drive these youkais away the last time, resulting in Sanzo's severe injury. He was alone now. He might survive if the youkai boss wouldn't appear.

But surely, life was never that kind.

"It's no use for you to struggle against us, Monkey," said a voice, smooth and clear, drifted out of the dark shadows of the trees as if the voice belonged to the forest itself.

But Goku knew better. He had heard that voice before. Boushu Jin stepped out of the shadows, looking as dark as his surrounding. The traces of his last defeat were thoroughly erased from his figure. He smiled a victorious grin at the surrounded Goku.

"Shame on you!" shouted Goku angrily. "You've lost to us once and you dare to challenge me again? Don't you have any honor?"

Jin sneered at Goku's outburst. "It's not honor I'm after. What is honor in the face of power? In the end, honor is just an elaborate word created to beautify one's weakness."

"What are you talking about?" barked Goku. "If you're not weak, then why do you have to send dozens of your men to attack a single me? Doesn't it show who's weak after all?"

Jin gritted his teeth. His anger radiated off his figure like heat off a furnace. He looked as if he was going through a turmoil of rage inside him. When the turmoil passed, rather quickly, he wore his smug smile on his face again.

"I won't be taunted. I'm willing to do anything to reach my goal. I'm not risking anything now. You're just a tool, a bait, a worthless lure if you don't have any relation to my bigger goal."

"What?" Goku hissed.

"If your so-called honor is what I have to sacrifice to reach my goal, then so be it," Jin smirked.

The dark youkai raised his hand across himself, his palm opened towards Goku. A surge of energy rushed out of the very middle of the palm. Goku couldn't see what it was, he could only sense it. Whatever it was, it bound his body limp and stole his ability to move.

"What do you want, Bastard?" growled Goku.

Jin crooked a smile again. A vicious one this time. "Your master."

The youkai fisted closed his open palm in one quick snap. As instantly, Goku saw darkness swallow him. He desperately trying to crawl out of the powerful unconsciousness that was dragging him down. He screamed for help, but found his throat was devoid of any voices. He thought of Sanzo, of his cold stare and grumpy voice.

He thought that was the last thing he would see in his head before he lost his consciousness. He was surprised to see that he was wrong.

The last thing he saw in his head was Hakkai's wounded expression after he rejected him.

The room fell into silence. It had been like that since Hakkai finished telling the truth. Gojyo leant his elbows on his thighs and put his head on the back of his hands. He stared at the floor. His current battle of emotions didn't show up on the surface, his usually easy-going behavior was depraved from him. Hakkai eyed his friend with sad eyes, knowing that he had once again lost a friend. This time, it was Gojyo, his closest friend in the world whom he had gone through a lot of things with. Which made it harder for him.

Gojyo drew a long, heavy sigh, as if his breath weighed more than a wagon. A stab of pain crushed Hakkai in the inside, seeing his friend in such a morose condition which he had caused himself.

"You can hit me if you want," he said.

Gojyo raised his face, staring at Hakkai with a frown. "What?"

Hakkai laughed bitterly. "You can hit me. I know you want to, so do it. Then after that, I'll go to Sanzo and have him hit me too. After that, I'll leave all of you and this journey and be gone. That's what I should do from the beginning. I can't believe I've waited for days to do this."

Gojyo stood up abruptly. Hakkai faced him, in a submitting pose, ready to take on any hits. Gojyo strode towards him in giant leaps, anger was shown in his figure that Hakkai could even smell it. He closed his eyes, bracing himself for the pain he told himself he deserved to suffer.

The blow was harsh. The pain stung him at his guts. He lurched downward, taking in all the pain he could take with him. But Gojyo didn't let him fall to the floor. The man caught his staggering body in his arms. Soon, an arm was slung across his back, and another one around his shoulder.

Into his hair, Gojyo whispered softly. "Baka.."

Wincing from the pain not in his belly but in his heart, Hakkai was startled to hear what Gojyo just said.

"Go…jyo?"

"BAKA!" this time Gojyo shouted, still holding Hakkai tight in his arms. "Why the hell didn't you tell me?! Who do you take me for? An airhead who won't understand his friend's problem? I know I fool around so much, but you can always trust me!"

"Gojyo…"

Gojyo cupped Hakkai's face between his hands; his voice was gentler now. "I told you this once before, I'm going to tell you once again, because you seem to forget this all the time. You can depend on me, Hakkai, for anything. And I mean anything."

Hakkai stared at him with disbelief. "You're…you're not angry with me because I did that to Goku?"

Gojyo returned him with a frown. "Of course I'm angry. But I'm angrier because you didn't tell me anything. I thought I'm your friend."

"You are.."

"Then why, Hakkai, damn it?!"

"I'm afraid that you'll be angry, that you'll think I'm a freak. That you're not going want to know me ever again," Hakkai stuttered. "I'm afraid to lose you too."

Gojyo snarled. "You know you're not gonna."

"I hate risking…"

"If you told me, you probably wouldn't do it…to Goku."

"I realized that now. I'm such a loser."

Gojyo grinned a nasty smile. "Naw, ya'r not a loser. You're just a baka. I never thought I'll say that to you. It's always been Goku who's the baka in the group."

Hakkai didn't smile at the remark. The new progress in the situation had cleared him of one worry, Gojyo. The situation with Goku remained still. He still had done something unforgivable. He knew apology wouldn't matter so much, since Goku wasn't willing to give any. Even if he did, Hakkai wouldn't still forgive himself.

Gojyo noticed the anxiety on his friend's face. He sobered himself quickly, not intending to make jokes about the serious incident. He let Hakkai go from his arms, but he didn't retreat so far that their bodies were still inches away. Hakkai appreciated the friendly closeness, as he had been drowning in cold loneliness for the past few days.

"So, what are you going to do with Goku?" Gojyo asked in gentle tone.

Hakkai frowned, looking miserable. "I don't know. Do I even deserve to ask for his apology?"

"You're his friend after all. I think you do."

"I still can't forgive myself."

Gojyo hesitated for a while, wanted to ask something that had been bugging him. However, he knew his place and decided not to scratch his friend's wound. Not now, at least.

"You want to ask me why I did it, don't you?" Hakkai stared at him, knowingly.

"Well, yes, I do. But I don't want to if you don't want me to. I mean, it doesn't have to be now."

"It's all right. Ask me."

Gojyo sighed. "Goku, Hakkai? Of all the people, why the monkey brat?"

Hakkai covered his face with his hands, confused. "I don't know, I don't know….. He's just….so…. innocent. So pure. So oblivious. I guess I'm a bit envious. No…, I'm very envious. I didn't realize that until it was too late. I grew this twisted hatred for him, for a reason so trivial and silly."

"What is the reason?"

There was silence for a while. When he finally answered, Hakkai's voice was slightly trembling.

"He reminded me of my days with Kanan……"

"Hakkai….."

"The way he acts around Sanzo, the way he treats Sanzo. It's very clear in my mind. When I see him do all of those things to Sanzo, I see Kanan doing all of those things to me. The way he cares so much for someone, much more than he care for himself. That was how Kanan like. It tortured me always to see him. His laugh, as innocent as he was, felt like it was intended to mock me and my misery. It's probably just a self pity, pathetic as it is, but it still hurt….. I…. I want him to feel the way I feel….. He said I'm a perfect man, when I'm not. I'm not perfect at all…."

Hakkai closed his eyes when Gojyo held him from behind. His warm body and strong arms brought a sense of safety to Hakkai, which he really needed badly right now. He felt vulnerable, but not when Gojyo's arm was around him. Gojyo was right. If he turned to him before, all of this wouldn't have to happen.

"Don't say that," whispered Gojyo, hoarsely, feeling everything too familiar for him. "Don't say that you're not perfect. No one is. I learned that in a hard way, when I was still a kid. You remember the story, don't you? I think it's a useless thing to keep thinking that way."

"I… I know…. But I can't help it…. I feel so…. lonely…"

"That's why I told you you're a baka. I'm always here for you. Damn it, Hakkai."

With those words, Hakkai realized the reason, the real reason, why he didn't tell this to Gojyo before. He knew already that Gojyo wouldn't completely understand. His loneliness was not a need of someone's existence in his life. It was deeper than that, it was worst. What he needed was someone to love him and care for him more than anything in the world.

To put it simply, he needed someone like Kanan.

Gojyo would never be that kind of someone. He was a great friend, probably the best friend one could ever had. But he wouldn't love him that way, that much. Gojyo would probably think that he did, but Hakkai knew that he wouldn't. Ever. Even if Gojyo would fall in love with him and dedicated his life for him, it still wouldn't be the same.

But Goku….

Goku had the ability to dedicate his life so completely to someone while loving with pure, innocent affection. But Goku was not his to belong, he was Sanzo's. So instead of forgetting his personal feeling and leaving the two alone, Hakkai blamed his own misery and loneliness to the boy.

How pathetic.

How disgustingly, selfish of him.

The hatred he had been feeling for Goku had turned out to be a fake one. It was not hatred. It was jealousy. It was longing. It was needs. How could someone like him ask for forgiveness to someone like Goku?

"I still can't believe you could do that, Hakkai. I mean, it's really unlike you," Gojyo stopped, then he smiled bitterly. "But then again….. maybe it is the real you and I just don't know about it. Some friend I am, eh?"

Hakkai wanted to say something to deny it, to comfort Gojyo, but couldn't find any. He knew what Gojyo said was the truth and he didn't have any will left to hide it.

"Do you still want to tell Sanzo about this?" said Gojyo again.

"Why not? I may be a fool, Hakkai, but I'm not going to throw away my responsibility. I have to confess to him."

"He won't be so pleased."

"He might have known that already. Perhaps Goku told him. I saw the boy cried in his arms the morning after….that night…"

"If he has known about this, you won't be alive."

"You're probably right. But still, I still have to tell him. Better to die in his hand than in the youkais'."

"Fine. Do what you please. But I won't let you leave the group. If Sanzo expel you, he has to expel me too."

"Gojyo…"

"Shut up. I've decided that. Now, I think we better look for the brat and get this over with. If he won't forgive you, I'm gonna make him to."

"Gojyo, no…"

Gojyo threw him a smile, not the wicked one he usually does, but a warm, loving one.

"It's alright. Let me take care of you from now on. You've gone through so much. You really can't live without me, can you, Hakkai?"

Hakkai sighed in submission. Gojyo was not the kind of person you could say no to.

Before they reached the door, Gojyo turned around and whispered wickedly in Hakkai's ear.

"You know, if someday you need to relieve yourself from…anything, you can always come to me. I do want to get to know the real you better. I don't even mind the violence…"

Hakkai blushed to the very core. He didn't dare to ask if Gojyo was serious or not. One couldn't tell it from Gojyo, really, where his playful mode stopped and his serious mode started. So he let it pass, feeling very much embarrassed.

They went out of the room, to start looking for the main topic of their discussion, Goku. They passed through the open door and head for the hallway. Outside the room, they both stopped dead in their tracks, staring at something they didn't expect to meet.

Sanzo was standing in the hallway, leaning his back against the wall outside Hakkai's room. His pose was rigid. His face was unreadable, a common thing for him, yet there was a certain degree of tension radiated from the monk.

He heard the whole thing, Hakkai thought.

They had forgotten to close the door and let him hear everything. He forgot that Sanzo was also in the hallway when Gojyo broke through his room and demanded the explanation.

There was no turning back now. He had to tell him.

"Sanzo," Hakkai started with worry. "I'm sor…"

"I'm not the one you should tell that to," Sanzo cut his words in cold, sharp tone. "Neither is Gojyo."

A pang of guilt gripped Hakkai's insides. He swallowed hard. Gojyo's hand landed over his shoulder, encouragingly, while Gojyo himself staring at Sanzo rather blatantly.

"I still want to apologize to you too. I have to apologize to the whole group," Hakkai continue.

"Ask for Goku's apology first before you ask for mine. Do that before we continue this journey, or else you'll be breaking us apart. Whatever you did with him is none of my business. But if you jeopardize our journey, I'll make it my business."

The mild threat was flat and devoid of any emotions. Neither Hakkai or Gojyo could decide whether he was angry or not. His words were said shortly and curtly, very typical of him. Only his eyes showed a little hint of his emotion. Those eyes were cold, much colder than they usually were. Was it personal anger? Nobody knew. And none would dare so much as to find out.

"That's what we're going to do now, actually," said Gojyo, breaking the tensed silence between them. "Now, where would a monkey run to hide himself? Heh, cheap question. His home, the forest. Where else? Or is it some place that has some food in it?"

"I'll go look into the forest, while you search the town, Gojyo," Hakkai turned at Sanzo. "Are you going to stay at this inn?"

Sanzo snorted. "Of course. Why would I bother?"

In one fluid swing, Sanzo turned around to head back to his room. He pretended he didn't care. He pretended he was ignorant to all of this. But he wouldn't be able to fool anyone for a long time. If he went out to search for the boy, he might end up letting the others to know what he really felt.

That was not something he intended to happen, ever.

Let them search. They would find the monkey boy soon enough. Goku was never famous for his patience to hide and stay still in one place for too long. Sanzo had learned the boy's habit back from the days of their living together in the temple. The boy would be all right, he assured himself quietly.

Hakkai stared at Sanzo's retreating back silently. A man of ice cold masks, Sanzo was. He had never shown his real feeling to others. He considered it as displaying a weakness. In a way, they were both alike. They were both experts in putting on masks.

"Come on," said Gojyo.

Hakkai nodded, turning around to follow Gojyo to the stairs. Not one step had he taken after that, a loud crackle was heard from behind him. Like the dry sounds of whip snapping in the air continuously. They turned around again, taken over by surprise and wariness.

In the middle of the hallway, in the distance stretched between Sanzo and Hakkai, a yellowish black sphere was forming itself. The sphere was as big as a head, when Hakkai first turned to look, but had gradually expanded until it filled the whole hallway's width, separating him from Sanzo.

The sphere was like a cloud, swirling and rotating along with the whipping sounds. It was not magic cast by human. It was youkai's magic. Was it an enemy attack?

"What the hell….?" Gojyo leveled himself next to Hakkai with his Shakujou ready in his hand.

"It's coming from the enemy," hissed Hakkai.

The middle part of the sphere began to swirl to fade, until it became transparent. Hakkai could vaguely see through the sphere, at Sanzo who was standing at the other side of it. Then, the transparent area of the sphere began to fill with images, very much blurry at first but slowly steadying. When the image was steady, Hakkai could finally see what it was.

He saw Goku, lying unconsciously on the ground with his shirt soaked with blood. The boy's face was bruised in several places, his lips bleeding. There was not a sign that told him whether the boy was still alive or not. He just laid there, still and quiet and gushing blood.

Then a voice echoed from inside the sphere.

{Behold the image I am sending you. I have your precious pet in captivity, Sanzo-sama. Abide me and we should see if the monkey would survive.}

"Goku!" shouted Hakkai, staring at the unconscious boy in terror.

"That voice!" snarled Gojyo, gripping his Shakujou tighter.

Sanzo glared at the illusion in front of him with hands balled in trembling fists.

***TBC***

yoong's A/N: Ah! Another cliffhanger! I'm so evil to leave you with such ending, ha ha I know snickering BTW, those who are uneasy with the tensed situation in these few parts, don't worry. I won't end this fic with Goku and....all in grief. Eventually, Jin has made his appearnce again. I really like him, and hope you do to. I also love Gojyo's act in this part. He's really a good friend Hakkai could ever have!

Sumeragi Sakura's Little Note: This is one of my favorite chapters in Heal the Healer. I'm not really sure why, though. Maybe because here, Goku reaches some level of seriousness in his character that's not often found in the original series. Maybe because the uhm... rather OOC-ly too-loving scene between Hakkai and Gojyo, if you know what I mean. Maybe the scene when Sanzo fought not to care about Goku when he wasn't sure about it. But Yoong said, she's really curious, not about those scenes I mention above, but about Boushu Jin. ^^;; I didn't know he's that interesting. Ah, then again, Yoong has a knack to be attracted to certain types of villains. *laughs* She didn't specify this villain character in her plot, so I made him up. I personally think he's rather sad. So desperately hungry of power, he'll do anything, regardless of anything, to reach his goal. Ah, I shouldn't say so much! I'll spoil his part! __;; Yoong, I dedicate Boushu Jin to you. I know I upset you with my slow writing pace and delays. I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry. *throws Jin to Yoong* Here, have him as your slave, please. Abuse him as you'd like *crackles*