Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters belong to Minekura-sensei. We've done nothing to gain profit from this little fic. Well, nothing financial that is, just the rippling warmth in our hearts when we set these guys in yaoi scenes…..
Warning: Before you read it, please be warned that this fic has a very dark tone with twisted angsty plot and sexual abuse content. Don't read if you don't have a heart to read these kinds of stuff or to see the characters in distress and pain.
Heal the Healer
A fanfiction of Gensomaden Saiyuki
Plotter: Yoong
Writer: Sumeragi Sakura yami_no_tsubasa@otakumail.com
Part VIII: Realization
{Good evening, Sanzo-sama, so glad to find you awake at such late hour}
A voice echoed once again from inside the sphere, rendering them all startled. Gojyo gripped his weapon tighter in his hand. Hakkai and Sanzo stood very still, their stances were rigid and wary.
"You…," hissed Sanzo, as he recognized the owner of the voice.
{Yes, that's right, Sanzo-sama. It IS me. I have good news to tell you. As you have seen it for yourself from the illusion I'm sending you, I have your monkey boy in captivity. The good news is, much to my dislike, he's still alive, despite of his insolent mouth. But the question is, Sanzo-sama, for how long will he be alive? It's up for you to decide.}
Somehow the tone the voice was in when it was calling Sanzo-sama didn't strike Hakkai as something coming out of respect. It was hatred, pure hatred. Or perhaps a sneer. It wasn't supposed to flatter Sanzo, but otherwise. None of them, who were standing in the wall, thought it was flattering.
"You fucking coward!" shouted Gojyo, raising his fist at the sphere. "That's very cheap! You come down here and see if you can stand my fist shoved up your ass!"
{My, my, what language. Really, Sanzo-sama, you should teach your lackeys to behave more properly, especially in such occasions where I have one of your little gang here, whose very life lies in my hand..}
"WHO'RE YA CALLIN' LACKEY, BASTARD!!"
Hakkai put a tight grip over Gojyo's shoulder. He was just as angry as Gojyo, but the youkai did have Goku with him. It might not be a good idea to provoke him. Which was hard to do, seeing the unconscious boy lied bleeding that way. His rage boiled inside him, pushing up a huge bitter lump up his throat.
This sight was all too familiar. He could see bits of reminiscence flashing inside his head. Goku. Lying motionless, helpless, as if he was lifeless. Passed out from the pain. The pain Hakkai inflicted on him. God. Oh God. The heavy, leaden feeling that had been haunting him all week, returned to him painfully. He hadn't been avoiding the guilt. In fact, he leashed the guilt inside his head, as a penance to what he had done.
But seeing the boy, all wounded and helpless in the sphere once again, was more than he could take. It was his fault that Goku bolted out of the safety perimeter of the town's inn. Thus it was his fault that Goku was captured by the youkais. Despite of his boyish nature, Goku had proved of being capable of taking care of himself against the youkai attack in many occasions before. It wasn't just because some sort of coincidence that he had lost to this youkai. Outraged and in fear, Goku must have lost his usual vigilance of his surrounding, therefore was easily captured.
Hakkai didn't want to think that this youkai gang was probably stronger than any of the other ones they had faced until now. He didn't want to think that Goku had fallen into the hands of someone that forceful. God knew what that youkai would do to the boy. No! No, no, no. This youkai was just the same as the other, he tried to convince himself. They would be able to save Goku. They would.
They must.
"What is it that you want?"
He could hear Sanzo asking the youkai in calm, flat tone.
{You, Sanzo-sama. I want you. Come to me with that Maten Kyoumon of yours and I will free your pet.}
"What will you need my Maten Kyoumon for?"
{Power, my dear Holy Monk, ultimate power! More power to bring my people into the front light of glory. Of domination and freedom…}
"It seems to me that your problem is because you're weak. Why should I let someone like you get a hold of something as powerful as my sutra? What exactly do you want to do with it? Trying to rule the world? The world doesn't need another fool like you claiming that he has the superiority over others, while he is a worthless weakling himself."
The voice coming from the sphere had now tinted with suppressed wrath. It was sharp, curt, and had a definite increase of hoarseness.
{My motive is mine only to know! You are just as insolent as your monkey brat! If I haven't fought you before, I wouldn't believe that you are a Holy Monk worthy of that sutra! Remember that I have wounded you before, which means that I am not at all any less powerful than you. And I hold the fate of your lackey's life. Just do as I command you, Sanzo-sama, come to me and bring me the Maten Kyomon and I will be more than pleased to set the bothersome boy free. Though, I can't make any promise that he will be returned….unscathed. My people have never been known in good terms with hospitality. He will live, however. I guarantee that, but nothing more.}
The deep, hoarse voice let out something similar to a delighted, if not twisted, chuckle. Sanzo, on the other hand, wasn't about to give the youkai any more delights.
"Boushu Jin, isn't it? Your name?" Sanzo gave a harsh, derisive snort. "Really, I thought that you deserve some of my respect when we fought the other day. Not so many creatures could lay a hand, let alone inflict a wound, on me before. But never have I suspected that you would stoop so low as to do this sort of thing. You are no different than a common crook."
{Careful, now, Sanzo-sama. That kind of tone is really not good for your own sake. Don't try my patience so much, or you will regret it later. Wouldn't it be a pity to lose your precious one over your temper?}
"What exactly is my precious one, youkai?"
Even the ill-tempered Gojyo shot a disbelieving frown at the monk. And he was the one who always boasted that he could live just fine without the rowdy monkey. Hakkai, torn between the fear of seeing Goku hurt and the outrageous surprise, glared at him. If Hakkai was being his usual composed self, he might dare to suspect that Sanzo was bluffing. But in the state of emotional mess he was in right now, he could feel nothing but anger.
"Sanzo…," he managed a dangerous hiss between his gritting teeth.
But, really, would Sanzo give up Son Goku over his Maten Kyoumon? Even he didn't know the answer to that, nor have the guts to guess it. The mighty sutra was their strongest, if not their only, weapon against the rising power of Gyumao. Without it, their long journey to the west, towards the youkai king's lair, would be in vain. Suicidal, even. Did the sutra worth more than a life of a comrade, of Goku? For the sake of Togenkyo?
Whether it did or not, Hakkai decided that he wouldn't let it happen. Whatever Sanzo might decide, he would get Goku out of the youkai's hands. He silently swore his pledge, as if the long-awaited chance for atonement had finally come.
Ignoring his doubtful friends, Sanzo kept a cold stare at the illusion sphere. He couldn't see Jin there, but it didn't necessarily mean that Jin couldn't see him. He didn't intend to give away anything to Jin, whatever it was he was feeling.
What was he feeling about this?
He saw Goku, lying there, bathed in his blood. Could he say that he didn't even feel a slight stir in his chest? Was what he said to the youkai merely a bluff, or was it the truth? He learned that at the time he was uncertain about it. Shit. He had been living a life devoid of the silliness called 'feelings', and was so damn proud of it. He wasn't going to mellow out just because he saw the stupid brat lying there, covered in blood. Helplessly unconscious. All alone. There. Unconscious.
Damn it! He willed away the vaguely faint twitch deep in his chest. Did the youkai notice that?
{Are you saying that this boy's life doesn't mean anything to you?}
The voice couldn't hide its surprise.
"Why would I give away my Maten Kyoumon over a useless brat? Absolutely ridiculous. I thought you can come up with something better than this, Jin."
There was a long pause after Sanzo finished saying those words. Sanzo waited for any reactions from their invisible enemy. The youkai was weighing, measuring, if killing Son Goku would worth anything. He didn't have to wait long, though, for suddenly there was a movement inside the illusion sphere.
Hakkai watched with rising horror when the prostrated figure of Goku was being lifted to the air, as if invisible huge hands were supporting him from underneath. The boy's head hung from his neck, his limbs swayed feebly under his body. Then, without any warning, the limp body started to slowly twist at the waist, in a stance that was frighteningly inhuman. He could also see Goku's right arm, which was visible from where he was standing, started the same slow twist at the shoulder.
"He's… he's…," Gojyo stuttered in terror, "he's going to tear Goku's body apart! By Buddha!"
Hakkai's eyes widened with blatant fear in sudden realization of what was going on. Blood was quickly drained from the boy's face. He looked paler, even though he was unconscious. Thank the Goddess, he was unconscious, or the pain would be extremely excruciating.
"Stop…."
He could hear someone uttered the word under the breath. Low, hoarse and shaky.
"Stop it…."
He was shaking with anger, and fear, grasping his elbows across his stomach, slightly bending his body, as if he was the one being tortured. Pain. Pain, he could feel. God. Goku was being torn apart alive. All because of him. Because he couldn't keep his head cool. Because he had leashed his built up anger to the innocent boy, who was now writhing and twisting in the hand of the ruthless youkai.
"Stop it…. Stop it….," he heard the voice again, still not realizing it was his own. "Stop it… Stop it…. STOP IT!"
He could hear Gojyo muttered his name. He could sense Sanzo's heated stare. But he couldn't stop his pleading voice, or the shudder that ran all over his body.
"STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!" he could hear the scream; the shaking, frightened squeal of a scream. "We will come! We'll be there! Stop it! We'll give you the Maten Kyoumon! Just stop it! STOP IT!"
Goku was dropped abruptly to the ground, half conscious from the pain. He was trembling all over, his eyes dazed from the blood that bled over his eyes. The boy whimpered incoherently. But he was positively moving. Limbs were still all attached to his body and everything. Thank the Goddess. Thank the Buddha.
{If you want to see this boy alive again, come to me. I will give you one day to think it over. A messenger of mine will meet you outside the town at dawn. If you agree to give the Maten Kyoumon to me, you will come with him and obey his words. If he is injured or kill, I will do the same with this monkey. I believe you understand the circumstances now. I hope you won't do anything foolish now that you know what your stubbornness could result. And don't bother searching for my lair, because it will be useless. I have a magical barrier protecting my base, a barrier that none of your magic will be able to find what it protects. So, until this morning, Sanzo-sama. I can not wait for you to come…}
As promptly as it had appeared, the sphere faded away into thin air without a single trace of its former existence. As if nothing had happened all the while. As if the three of them were only standing around in the middle of the hallway like fools, staring into the dim nothingness that stretched between their bodies.
"Shit, shit, shit…," Gojyo spat, slamming his fist to the wall beside him, desperate to convey his wrath to something solid, not to the seemingly unreal sphere of illusion which had just disappeared.
"You…," Hakkai growled shakily, glowering at Sanzo, completely ignorant of his uncharacteristic behavior. "You were really going to let him kill Goku! You were planning to stand there and watch Goku being twisted from limb to limb! Are you not human? I understand that you would probably bluffing at first but then you didn't do anything to stop the torture!"
Sanzo narrowed his eyes alarmingly at his usually calm friend. His pose was stiff and rigid.
"Doesn't he mean anything to you? That was Goku! The boy you once saved! The boy you took under your care! How could you watch him suffer? Will you be glad if he's dead?"
Sanzo did nothing in respond to the accusation. Not even a single twitch on his brows.
"Are you done yet, Hakkai?"
"NO! No, I'm not done yet, you wretched bastard! If this how you value your friends, your companions, then I'd better leave your little group! It doesn't matter how much you want to save the world if you can't even save your friend! You don't betray your friends, Sanzo! You don't –"
Hakkai never finished his mad cry. Sanzo had suddenly came up in front of him, raised his arm up in the air before swinging it down and with the back of his hand hit Hakkai right on the side of his face. The force of the hit propelled the sense-numbed man backwards, falling on his rear at the cold, hard wooden floor.
"Sanzo!" Gojyo's sharp burst of a shout echoed in the hallway. But neither man paid him any heed.
"Are you one to talk of such thing, Hakkai?" under the cold, flat tone, the monk's voice was faintly tinted with fury. "After what you've done to the boy? Hmm? Drop that saint-like charade of yours. How disgusting. Hypocrisy doesn't work on me. Save it to protect your injured ego. You want to save the boy, you say? Value your friend, eh? All I can see is you, trying to sooth your own guilt. You'd think the boy will forgive you if you do, huh?"
Sitting sprawled on the floor, staring hotly at the lean figure of the monk overlooking him, Hakkai felt the cold apprehension dawning on him, like gray clouds creeping over broad daylights, instead of otherwise. He wanted to shout back at the monster who called himself Goku's caretaker. He wouldn't be able to anyway, even if he still had his strength with him. Because he knew that Sanzo was right. Oh, how he feared that Sanzo was right!
A hypocrite.
A cowardly, pathetic little man. That was him.
How… how could he scream that way to Sanzo? He had no rights, no rights at all. Sanzo was right. He was feeling guilty. He didn't want Goku to hurt anymore, after what he had done just days before. He wanted to save Goku so he could feel better about himself. So he could once again face Goku and claim that he had done something to atone his sin. By Buddha…. He was the lowest of the low. He cared only for the good of his own feeling, forgetting what the real, more important issue at hand was all about. Demolishing the Gyumao. They needed the Maten Kyoumon for that. If they gave up the sutra—their ultimate means to reach their long-fought goal—the fate of Togenkyou would end, along with the ruin of human civilization. They would probably have Goku, but there wouldn't be anymore of the world –their home—they could live in.
Yet…
Yet, even though he knew how grave their situation would be if they were to give up the Maten Kyoumon, he couldn't still shake off that vaguely distant feeling of regret, for planning to leave Goku behind. It was his guilt, he thought again. It was the need to make him think he was a good man, for the sake of his own sanity.
He raised slightly, to a sitting position, his legs were still sprawling on the floor. His shoulder shook, as if he was cold, with such force he didn't think he would be able to stand up because of it. Hiding his face in his hands, he stooped his head even lower. He couldn't face Sanzo now. Neither could he face Gojyo.
Why was he hurting this much? He had willingly accepted the real fact that lied behind his anger. As shameful as he was right now, he knew he shouldn't feel this hurt anymore. It was all just a pretense, right? A façade. He wasn't really afraid of losing Goku, was he? Surely, everything would turn out better for the good of them all if they carried on with their initial plan. Destroy the Gyumao. Everything else was just a minor problem, unless it could get in their way.
Right?
Wasn't it?
Then, why was he crying right now?
+ + + + +
Gojyo kept silent during the whole situation. He was much surprised to see how Hakkai--the usually calm, composed Hakkai—threw a tantrum with such wrathful force he never knew existed in the man. Then again, he had just being informed of how Hakkai had…hurt.. Goku a few nights before.
Where was the Hakkai he once knew?
As if the image of the easy-going and light-hearted man he called his best friend had suddenly disappeared, blown away by the wind to somewhere he didn't know. Really? Or was this the real Hakkai, the real person that existed under the impeccably perfect mask?
Even so, Gojyo didn't believe that someone could change that dramatically. This was still Hakkai. This was still his Hakkai, whose cheerful laughs had brightened his mood in so many occasions. This was just another part of Hakkai, the part that had already been there when he first showed up before Gojyo's eyes years ago. And the one Gojyo had failed to notice all this time.
No, blaming himself right now wouldn't do him, or any of them, any good.
If he was shocked to see Hakkai's sudden burst of emotion, he was even more surprise to hear Sanzo's words. Surely, how could Sanzo think Hakkai of being that low? Gojyo had to admit that what Sanzo had said was probably partly true. But however much Hakkai had changed, however terrible his other side of self was, Gojyo still couldn't believe that his friend cared nothing but of himself. Just like what Sanzo had accused him of.
Yes, Hakkai would probably need to be taught a little lesson about his mistakes. But not this. Not this way. Perhaps it was time for him to stand up for his friend now, against Sanzo's vicious mental attack.
Just as Gojyo was ready to put himself between the other two men, Sanzo walked up to Hakkai. The monk's face was still as unreadable as ever, but it had lost the stern tense it wore just a moment before. Sanzo bent slightly over, reaching his pale hand towards the sobbing Hakkai.
"Stand up, Cho Hakkai," said the monk, with such softened voice that caused Gojyo to frown in disbelief. "You won't do any good by crying like that. Don't you have any faith at all in Goku's power? Do you think that frustrating twit could be mortally injured by that little display of power the youkai was so proud of? Son Goku is immortal. Have you forgotten about his true form? He won't be killed so easily. Believe me, I've tried a million times before. He's as stubborn as a cockroach when it comes to survival."
Sanzo ended his rather uncharacteristic affectionate remark with a hoarse snort. But Hakkai didn't find it funny at all, for he was still deeply absorbed in his choking sobs.
"Come on up, Hakkai," Sanzo continued. "Let's not waste time. We've got to pick up the monkey."
"Sanzo," Gojyo abruptly interrupted. "Didn't you just say that you won't give away your sutra?"
Sanzo threw him a smug smirk. "I won't. I don't have to."
Gojyo went into a deep session of brows furrowing. "But, how…?"
"You're underestimating me, Gojyo. What makes you think I can't get the monkey without giving away my Maten Kyoumon?"
"But… but…? HOW?!"
Sanzo's eyes sparkled with such evil delight when he softly said, "I know where they keep Goku. I can sense the brat anywhere he is. It's sort of an after-effect from the bonding I've gone under with him years ago. I can even hear his voice if he calls me. We're not going to wait until morning. We're going tonight."
And by that, the bastard monk turned around at his heel, starting for the stairs. He roughly stated that he was going to wait for them downstairs, and told Gojyo to mend the mess that was his best friend. Gojyo cursed mentally at the retreating back. That arrogant bastard! He deliberately gave away to that youkai Jin that he didn't care even a bit about Goku. So Jin wouldn't suspect them to come tonight. Yes, that was what Sanzo had been planning all along! They were going to raid the Kyougei Rhyaku's lair when they weren't expecting them to come. That youkai leader, Jin, so conceitedly believed that no one would know his where about. Jin didn't know the deep connection shared between the monk and the monkey boy.
Gojyo had suddenly felt a helpless urge to laugh. He did, unleashing a loud, harsh chuckle while shaking his head. What an arrogant bastard indeed, that Sanzo was!
Ah, but it wasn't the time to admire his friend's evil cunning now. He concernedly stared at Hakkai, who was still sitting on the floor, shaking and crying silently. Blowing a tremendous sigh, he crouched in front of his friend. He gave him a soft rub over the forearm.
"Hakkai, come on. You heard what Sanzo said…"
"Gojyo…. I… I'm…. I can't…. I can't go there… I can't face Goku…."
"Sure you can."
"No…. you don't understand…. I'm so selfish… He's been thinking that I'm such a good person, while I'm not! I'm not, Gojyo!"
Gojyo stroke Hakkai's hair comfortingly. "I still think you're a good person."
"All I was thinking about was myself. My own feeling! How… how can I…"
"Hakkai, let me ask you, why are you crying now?"
Hakkai wiped his tears off his wet face, blinking confusedly. "Wha.. what?"
"Why are you crying now? If you really are a bad person, you won't be crying now."
Hakkai winced. "Goku…. Goku is hurt… I know we should leave him behind… but Goku is hurt… I can't…."
"Didn't you hear what Sanzo said? We can save Goku. Come on."
Gojyo had to pull the trembling man up to his feet, because Hakkai seemed to forget that he could stand up. He looked at his poor friend with a growing compassion in his heart. Hakkai hadn't realize, that even though he was guilty of being selfish, he was still very much concerned about Goku's safety. Sanzo's words had hit him hard, true as they were, that he immediately judged his real concern for Goku as a concern for his own feeling as well, when it was, in fact, not.
"Oi, Hakkai," Gojyo held Hakkai's face in both of his hands now. "You really care about Goku. You know you do. Yes, Sanzo's probably right, that you're also trying to console yourself. But, come on, you have to see for yourself too, that you really care about Goku's safety. You were angry when you saw how Goku was hurt, weren't you? Then you were angry to Sanzo for not trying to safe him, right? Really, I don't see any reason why you must feel bad about yourself."
Somehow, to Gojyo's relief, Hakkai had begun to take his words, for the sobbing had started to cease and the trembling had calmed. He was, right now, brushing his face slowly against Gojyo's vest. Urgh…, thought Gojyo worriedly when he noticed his vest was stained with snot, great. I'd be having a great time washing that!
"Can… can Sanzo really find where they're keeping Goku is?" asked Hakkai, who was obviously trying to regain his composure, and gradually succeeded.
"He said so himself. Wretched monk! He could've told us before so we didn't have to over-worry. I tell you, he likes doing this to us!"
"Where is he now?"
"Downstairs. Waiting for us. We'll be going as soon as we can."
"Oh, God…. I'm keeping us behind… I'm sorry… I shouldn't have broken down like that…"
"Ah, but you can repay us by driving us there," Gojyo threw a grin and winked his left-eyes playfully. "We really can't do it without you, you know. Sanzo knows it, but hell, he'd rather eat his robe before admitting that he has to depend on someone else. One of these days, I AM going to make him do that…."
Hakkai took a long, still rather shakily, breath and exhaled it, while his eyes were closed. But when he opened them again, his usual well-composed self had returned. Instead of tears, his eyes were now filled with a distinct sparkle of fury. And strained fear.
"Then, let's go, Gojyo. I won't be another reason for Goku to suffer again."
+ + + + +
Hakkai was making amends to his prior blunders by driving them to Boushu Jin's lair as quickly as he could. He obediently followed Sanzo's order of where to go, trusting without any doubt that the monk could really lead them to where Goku was. He forced Hak Ryu, in its Jeep form, to the very limit of its ability, causing the poor creature to screech fearfully, and rather painfully, every time Hakkai stepped on the gas over the bumps on the road.
"Go north now after that bend up ahead," Sanzo commanded, trying to keep his voice as composed as it could, despite the massive lurch the Jeep was making.
Hakkai complied to the bossy order amenably.
"How…," Gojyo tried asking from the back of the car, "how far is…ugh… this youkai base?"
The poor man was desperately gripping at his seat as if it was the only thing that had been keeping him alive. Strangely, it probably was, since he couldn't risk losing his grip without falling off the Jeep.
"It's not very far," was Sanzo's brief reply, not liking to hear the shake in his voice even though it was caused by the way Hakkai was driving, not worry.
Since Gojyo didn't want to risk accidentally biting his tongue off in the next turn of the road, he didn't ask if Sanzo was really sure about it. Besides, if he did ask that, Sanzo's only reply would probably be a shot in the head. That, he could be happy to avoid.
Hakkai knew he wasn't making his passengers comfortable. But comfort was a luxury they couldn't afford to have right now. The sooner they got to the youkai's lair, would be the better for Goku. He channeled his earlier regret and self-hatred into this fierce will to reach their destination, as if he was high on adrenalin. His two traveling companions didn't utter their protests, however, over how awfully he was driving, knowing the grave situation they were in at the present time.
There was, actually, another reason why Hakkai was driving like a mad elephant on the rampage. He was in fear, very much in fear. He had realized how familiar this had been for him. The feeling of urgent rush, the need to reach a destination so that he could save someone.
God…
It was also at nighttime when he climbed up the mountain to reach Kanan. It was raining back then. It wasn't right now. But that was the only difference. The rest felt exactly the same to him. The numbing throb in his head, the mad beating of his heart, and--the worst of them all—the soul-crushing fear that had taken over him with a cold rush of blood in every vein he had in his body.
God, oh, God….
Let them be in time. Make Boushu Jin keep his words by letting Goku alive until morning. Could he really trust a word of a youkai? Even so, Jin had told them that he couldn't or wouldn't let his youkai gang to stop torturing Goku.
He could see blood in his eyes. The dark, thick and death-smelling blood running slowly on the floor, reaching him, gripping him with terror. He could see those tear-filled eyes, so full of regret, so full of love. But not a single tinge of anger. And that smile, so yielding, was begging him to let go.
He couldn't let go.
He would not let go.
God, oh, God….
Shaking his head, he forced himself to detach his past memory from the present time. Goku needed help right now. Goku was suffering right now. It was Goku. Goku. Not Kanan.
He chanted the boy's name in his head like it was an incantation that would keep his sanity from slipping away. Goku. It was Goku. By Buddha, he couldn't stand this. This was all too familiar….
It was far too familiar…
To his horror, he realized that he was actually reliving his past memory. The fury, for knowing that a person dear to him was taken away by force, was the same. The fear of losing was, obviously, the same as well. He wasn't remembering about the past. He was exactly feeling the same as the past.
But that could only mean….
That…
That he had…feelings…. for Goku…. Just as he had for Kanan.
The same, exact feeling.
But that meant, he was….
Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God…
The exact feeling. He loved Kanan…..
Then did it mean that he…loved… Goku?
He. Loved. Goku.
He….
Oh God, oh God, oh God….
He loved Goku!
It was all coming back to him. Like a rush of current, it washed him over straight on the face. Then the clear realization followed, telling him what he had already known for a long time, but chose not to. He had been shutting his heart for so long. All this time. But deep, deep down in the tiniest part of it, he was still yearning for love. For love to come and fill the empty, drained space he had in his heart, like an eternally bleeding gash of wound. The wound, the empty space, that was born the moment he realized he had lost Kanan. He had lost her love. That was what had been causing him the pain, the tremendous pain of longing for comfort. For love.
He was hurt so bad when he lost Kanan that he shut his heart. Stop believing there was still love existed in the world for him. It would be better if he had never known it. Never let himself be taken over with it. So he wouldn't ever be hurt again. He was hurt so bad that another kind of pain would devastate him.
His head knew it was a lopsided logic. No one could really die of a heart-ache. But somehow his wreck of a heart had refused to learn the common sense. Therefore, he closed that tiny room in the deep, deep part of his heart and forgot about it.
So there he was. A man invalid at heart.
He was so far from being perfect.
Goku had come. Oblivious as the boy always was, he had somehow teased that part of him that was long-hidden, aroused his need for love again with his genuine, compassion care. That tiny part of him, curious as it was, had opened itself a bit and learned the existence of Goku, which in turn began to yearn for that compassion once more. Hakkai, a coward as he was, had subconsciously tried to hide it by branding it as lust. When, in fact, it was really, truly, love.
Oh God, oh God, oh God….
Now he knew the answer to Gojyo's earlier question. Why are you crying now, Hakkai? He thought he was being selfish. But he did ache when he saw Goku lying there, all bleeding, all wounded. It wasn't just because of his guilt. It was something more; a whole lot more.
Hakkai had now been grasped by a new kind of fear. The fear of losing Goku had just added with the fear of accepting his own, true feeling. Distracted, he saw how his hands had been gripping the steering wheel with much more force that he should've used. His knuckles were all white, as if the fear had drained all the blood they had, and shaking. But it wasn't nearly as strong as the tremble that ran all over his entire body now.
He didn't want to lose Goku then. He especially couldn't afford to lose Goku now. Now that he had known his feeling. It was the same as that night. He, too, didn't want to lose Kanan. He thought everything would turn out fine. He could take on those youkais. He fought every one of them and knew he was winning. But he didn't. Kanan gave up on him, on them.
Would Goku give up his hope on them as well?
He didn't want to think about it. Focus on the road. Listen to Sanzo's direction. Get there in time. Demolish the youkais. Save the boy. That was what he must do. He wouldn't think of failing again. He wouldn't fail again.
Not this time.
***TBC***
yoong's A/N: Do you find this chapter reasonable? Umm...I mean, believable? Hakkai finally found love for himself again, but was it too late? This chapter is fully emotional. It's one of my favourite chapters. Sakura made it great in describing the character's feelings, really.
Sumeragi Sakura's Little Note:
This chapter's installment took the longest time. Please, don't blame Yoong for this. It was all my fault. I was ….uh… on the bridge of abandoning this chapter for many reasons, from the lack of time, the amount of laziness, the holiday & new year mind-numbing merriment, my PC was coming down with an annoying virus and the frustrating writer's block I got at the early part of the chapter. *hides from the vicious death glare of Yoong* Er… yes, that's right, writer's block. I know that Yoong has kindly written the plot completely, but somehow I need to set my mood down to the "Very Angsty" level for writing this fic and that's pretty hard to achieve lately. Oh believe me, I've tried sitting in front of my PC three times before to write this chapter and that didn't work. My head was just blank….Dunno why… But anyway, I'm back. I haven't abandoned this fic at all and will keep my promise of completing it. And to all the reviewers, thank you very much! Reading your comments is one of the two things that keep me going. The first one is Yoong's angry glare *laughs* No, just joking there. Yoong has always been so kind to a brat like me… ^__^
Oh by the way, sorry for that very OOC Gojyo… Couldn't help it….*runs away*