Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters belong to Minekura-sensei. We've done nothing to gain profit from this little fic. Well, nothing financial that is, just the rippling warmth in our hearts when we set these guys in yaoi scenes…..
Warning: Before you read it, please be warned that this fic has a very dark tone with twisted angsty plot and sexual abuse content. Don't read if you don't have a heart to read these kinds of stuff or to see the characters in distress and pain.
Heal the Healer
A fanfiction of Gensomaden Saiyuki
Plotter: Yoong
Writer: Sumeragi Sakura snape_slut@yahoo.com
Part XI : Healing
The inn was dead still. And so was the night. It was one of those hours when insane people were already deep in their peaceful slumbers, that even the slightest swoosh of wind sounded like a distant typhoon. It was in one of those hours that Gojyo walked into the dark tavern, empty of its usual patrons except for one familiar figure sitting by the bar.
Gojyo sauntered to the bar, deliberately making some sounds for the person sitting by the bar to hear his coming. If the person did hear him come, he didn't show it, though. With a loud sigh, Gojyo dropped his weary body on the stool next to him.
"Bartender," whined Gojyo to the empty space behind the bar, "give me your heaviest rum, please."
Silence.
The person next to him poured some sake into the used glass in front of him and passed it to Gojyo.
"Rum is out. Just settle with this."
Gojyo shrugged nonchalantly. "Well, if that can't be helped…."
In one big, sloshing gulp, he downed all the sake. Sighing again, he put the glass back to the bar table. He took the cigarette box lying on the table, next to his empty glass and lit one. Puffs of white smoke slithering in the air, like a white transparent snake with no apparent shape. The person next to him was very quiet.
It had been a week since that incident. Incident, he scoffed. That was a terrible understatement. They could have been killed. They could have lost the sutra. They could have been forced to quit their journey and return to their usual petty lives.
One week ago. It sure felt like a year. And their journey was still far from being over. Damn it, they hadn't even seen the end of it. This kind of…incident… would surely find them again in the future. Really, this was getting so tiresome….
"I just got back from upstairs," he started. "He still doesn't want to touch his dinner. If this goes on, he won't be able to do as much as sitting around."
Silence.
"Hn.."
Gojyo continued. "He refuses to sleep, refuses to go. He doesn't want me to take his place. This has been going on for a week. I thought he's going to give up some time, but from the look of it, he'd rather kill himself than to leave the room."
Another silence. "Hn…"
Gojyo took the sake bottle and pour a glassful for himself. "You haven't been up there for three days."
"So?"
"You're actually really worried, aren't you, Sanzo?"
Sanzo stared absent-mindedly at the curls of smoke he made himself. His breath was slowly dragged, as if he wasn't really intending to breathe. His eyes were half-lidded, partly from the alcohol, partly from the lack of sleep he didn't want to claim he'd been having.
One week. It had been one week.
"I've asked around about that Kyougei Rhyaku gang," he said, trying to change the subject. "They've been around for quite a long time. It started as a small band of youkais, led by those Boushu brothers. But later on, more youkais joined them until they become that large. They claim the Middle Togenkyou as their territory and that no other youkai tribe is allowed to trespass. People around here have always been afraid of them, if not resenting them. They don't come to towns often, except for buying vital supplies. They're at large not causing the humans any trouble. They seem to avoid humans much and have been successful at that."
Gojyo took a silent glance at his friend. He knew Sanzo was averting the topic he wanted to talk to him about. Hell, he'd been down here in the bar for the last three days, avoiding their current situation. But Gojyo let him talk for now. The man looked very much troubled—though he wouldn't admit it, ever—that Gojyo thought it might do some good to let him speak whatever thought he's been thinking all this time.
"You know, when that Gyokumen Koushu woman started the movement of resurrecting Gyumaoh, youkais all over Togenkyou also started to behave like monsters. It's because of the minus wave from the resurrection process. The wave does something to youkais' minds and changed them. Those whom we have been fighting all this time were the same brain-dead youkais. They're being used by that Gyumaoh's mistress and his son, Kougaiji to eliminate us."
"But those Kyougei Rhyaku youkais seem different," interrupted Gojyo, frowning. "They don't seem as brain-dead as the ones we usually fight against."
"That's because their leader has been using his magical power to avoid the minus wave from corrupting their minds. It seemed like it was going to work just fine for them. But that mistress, knowing that there's a tribe of youkais rebelling against her will, sent Kougaiji to suppress the tribe and force her influence over them. That's why they want the Maten Kyomon. They want to use it as a source of power to go against the Gyumaoh' people. Foolish youkais. They're only thinking about the survival of their own tribe. They forgot that even though they do have Maten Kyomon in their hands, once the Gyumaoh's fully revived, nothing else is going to survive, including them. Stupid bastards…"
"How do you know about this? Come on, don't tell me you learn all that just by asking around."
Sanzo narrowed his eyes irritably, not at Gojyo, but at the dark, empty bar in front of him. "I asked those three self-important geezers through meditation."
Gojyo couldn't help not to chuckle at the tone Sanzo used to refer the Three Buddhas. After all, he thought to himself, only a Genjo Sanzo could call those divinities as 'geezers' and lived.
"I'm glad you find me so amusing, Gojyo."
"Sorry…it's not everyday I hear someone talk that way about the Three Buddhas," Gojyo calmed himself, running a hand over his gorgeous—or so he thought himself—magenta hair. "How about the remains of that Kyougei Rhyaku? Now that their leader is dead, do they still exist?"
"Last I heard, that moron Ren managed to gather the rest of the surviving youkais. I also heard that he's holding a deep grudge against me and will be planning to skin my ass to avenge his brother."
Gojyo chuckled again. "Speaking about your ass, when are you going to go and check on your monkey boy?"
Sanzo frowned furiously. "That doesn't have anything to do with my ass."
"Well, in a way it does," Gojyo smiled playfully. "No, actually I've been trying to talk to you about it and you've been avoiding it like hell. I'm pretty desperate to try anything now."
"I'm not going upstairs."
Gojyo raised his brows at the quick response. He'd had a whole speech prepared to convince the holy monk to drop the sulking mode. He was going to force Sanzo, no matter how, to swallow his pride and for once check on Goku. The man wasn't looking very well either since they return back to the inn, so Gojyo thought seeing Goku might do him a good change.
But the brief, curt answer Sanzo gave just now sounded awfully stubborn.
"Why not?"
"There's no use."
"What do you mean?"
"You know what I meant."
"No, not really. Elaborate."
Sanzo sighed wearily. He didn't like having to explain himself. He didn't like other people to nose around his personal problems. Or feelings, if he had any. But he'd been avoiding Gojyo for the last three days and their game of chase had started to grow bothersome.
"I have no place in the boy's life now," he hated his own voice when he said that. That sounded so much like…pouting.
"What do you mean? That's Goku, the boy you took under your care. He's been looking up to you like a puppy to his owner all this time. Of course you have a place in his life."
"Not after this."
Gojyo sobered up. "This thing about Hakkai, you mean?"
"Just leave me alone, Gojyo."
"No. I'm tired of seeing you sulk. I'm tired of seeing Hakkai lose himself. I want to talk, okay? Gods….. Even the girls in the pub are starting to irritate me…."
"Is that why you're here trying to annoy me?"
"More or so."
"Well, it works," Sanzo scowled.
Sanzo took another cig out of his pack and blew it furiously. Gojyo raised a brow at him. Careful now, Sha Gojyo…
"You think that the boy won't be needing you anymore?" he asked softly. "That there's Hakkai and that it bothers you so much to see them that you're not going to check on them upstairs."
Sanzo gritted his teeth, clamming his cig between his jaws. "One of these days, I should kick your ass for not nosing around other people's life, Gojyo."
"Well, it's my life too, you know. I mean… Hakkai…and I… we…uh…"
Sanzo knew what had been happening between those two. But it was so much fun seeing the fluently speaking Gojyo to stutter this way when he refers to his long relationship with Hakkai. So Sanzo kept quiet, not intending to be helpful at all.
"Well, you know how…close… Hakkai and I have been all these years…."
Sanzo grew impatient. "For hell's sake, Gojyo, you're fucking him. Just say so."
"Actually, no, Sanzo. I don't just fuck him."
At this, Sanzo turned his head at his friend with curious surprise. "Why do I find that a little bit unconvincing?"
"Believe what you want," the red head shrugged. "That's just me. I fuck everyone around me except the ones I really care. Especially the one I have feelings for."
"I'm shocked to know that you care for me, since we haven't fucked."
"Oh, bite me, Sanzo."
"You're as avoidant as what you claim me to be."
Gojyo gave a mirthless chuckle. "I guess I am. So, what are we going to do now? Both of the people we care about are upstairs, torturing themselves."
"Mine isn't."
Gojyo widened his eyes and almost laughed. Sanzo had just admitted that he cared about Goku, just now. It was a big progress, for Sanzo at least. Meanwhile Sanzo, who realized Gojyo's stare at himself, bent his face down and pretended to be really interested of his cigarette box. He wished that Gojyo wouldn't notice the shift of color his face was currently undergoing.
"Anyway, as I was saying, what should we do now?" Gojyo repeated his question, trying to suppress the upcoming laughter that threatened to burst out as he saw how Sanzo was blushing.
"What can we do? The only one who can heal Goku is obviously Hakkai and the only thing that can heal Hakkai is if Goku would forgive him. We're both useless to them this time. I told you, I'm not going to go upstairs until this matter is settled."
From the look of it, thought Gojyo, he seemed as if he didn't want to see either Goku or Hakkai ever again. Gojyo was supposed to tell him to do the otherwise, but couldn't, because he understood Sanzo's feeling. He understood it all too well. They were, after all, standing in the same place.
"So, are you saying that we should just sit here and do nothing?" he asked.
Sanzo poured the sake for himself and drank it. "There's alcohol. Great stuff to drown into."
"Right. And that cig of yours. Excellent for prolonged suicides."
"That's right."
"With enough supply of alcohol and smoke, we'll be all right."
"Positively."
Gojyo poured the sake again and raised the glass. "Here's to us."
Once he downed the burning liquid, he set the glass to the table again. He turned to Sanzo, wrapping his arm around the monk's shoulder. He leant close to Sanzo's ear and nuzzled the hair.
"You know what a great way to spend the time, Sanzo?" purred Gojyo. "How about you and I get together and find a quiet room upstairs. I'll show you what I can do to make you feel…"
SMACK!
The next thing that Gojyo saw was that blasted holy fan zooming towards his face and bright yellow stars dancing in his eyes.
"Not in a million year, perverted kappa, not in a million year."
Sighing wearily, and irritably, Sanzo returned to his currently favorite activity; staring into the darkness and sulk the night away.
+ + + + + +
The first thing he saw when he opened his eyes was the bleak and dark ceiling hanging above his bed. Not that it mattered. Nothing seemed to matter. He felt as if he was drowned inside a big, blurry bubble. He could feel the floating and drowning sensation trickling through his skin slowly. The world around him had that surrealistic quality that dreams always have.
Is this a dream, then?
He heard his own voice in his head, asking a question that he didn't know the answer of. Opening his eyes was one long and troublesome business. He intended to look around but he wondered how long it would take to be done. He tried, anyway. Slowly, as if he was afraid that his sudden movement would burst the bubble that he felt was still enveloping him.
He turned his head to the side. His eyes slowly followed the movement until they sunk into the sight of a very familiar figure. Something in his mind registered that it felt like a dejavu. That he experienced this before. Then he remembered. This wasn't the first time he was awake. He had been tossed and turned between unconsciousness and half-consciousness during the whole time. He remembered the occasional visits from Gojyo. He couldn't remember whether Sanzo visited him or not, but one thing that hadn't changed through out the whole time. That this forlorn figure had always been sitting by his bed.
He recalled that sometimes in the nights he was awakened by his own shivering body. That man would always hold his hand and transferred a soothing magic through the touch. He still remembered the warmth the touch gave him. It felt nice. It felt comfortable. It felt like home.
How long had he been unconscious? How long had the man stayed here by his side?
He remembered the dungeon. He remembered being locked up in a cell. He remembered the man coming to rescue him. He remembered the sharp gust of pain stabbing his stomach. He remembered the horrified look on the man's face when his blood splattered on the wall of the cell. He remembered falling like a dead stone to the floor.
And he remembered the regret he had when he saw the man for the last time before he fainted. Now that he was awake, he wanted to say all those things he realized only too late. He tried to sit up but fell back to the bed as soon as his body left the mattress.
The man sitting by the bed stood up abruptly, causing the chair he had been sitting on to tumble over to the floor. He bent over the bed with an expression torn between worry and disbelief.
"Goku?!"
Goku smiled. "Hello, Hakkai."
"You…you're awake!"
"That, I am. And hungry too."
Hakkai's face seemed as if a huge current of relief had just washed it over. But then in the next second, the same face fell and withdrawn from Goku's sight. Hakkai stood up and stepped back from the bed.
"I… I'll tell the others that you're awake… I'll bring food…"
"No, wait!"
Instinctively, Goku shot his hand and reached Hakkai. He only managed to grab the tip of Hakkai's shirt. It looked like his strength was returning to him since he could pull the shirt to the point of it threatened to rip. Or was it just because he was desperate enough to make Hakkai stay?
"Wait," repeated Goku. "I want to talk to you first."
He noticed how Hakkai was tensing up. His back jerked slightly and his head dropped. At first, Goku thought that Hakkai would brush his hand aside and leave the room. He did say awfully horrible things to Hakkai—which he regretted by now—and felt entitled for if Hakkai didn't want to see him again. But he lost the chance to speak his mind the last time. He didn't intend to regret it the second time.
Yet, Hakkai's words stopped him for a moment.
"I don't deserve to ever speak to you again. Nor to face you. I shouldn't have apologized as well, for it brings me endless shame. So I won't ask it again. I wish for you to stay alive and live well. I hope the Gods will pity me as to grant the last wish I've ever plead. I won't show myself before you again after this."
The words were said in such calmness. But Goku could sense the obvious sense of guilt that the words were born from. Guilt and fear. Hakkai feared him. He couldn't believe his own thoughts. He didn't know what to say. He didn't like this kind of Hakkai. He wanted the old Hakkai back. But then, maybe this was the real Hakkai. Maybe the Hakkai that he used to know wasn't really Hakkai. His thoughts didn't mean much sense since he was having trouble for words right now.
If words failed him now, maybe his feelings wouldn't. How did he feel about this; about what Hakkai did to him, about how Hakkai was going to leave him? Was he still angry? Did he still feel betrayed?
Knowing that Goku was hesitating, Hakkai sunk deeper into his grief. The boy wouldn't find it in his heart the pardon Hakkai was seeking yet was undeserving. A plan formed in his head in an instant. He would tell the others that the boy has awakened. He then would provide the gang with an ample amount of healing medicines and make sure that Sanzo wouldn't forget to feed the boy. He would leave Hak Ryu with the others because they need it for completing their journey. Then he would disappear, never to show his face again before Goku's eyes. Yes. That seemed like a sound plan for now.
Knowing what he must do and actually doing it were two very different things. The hardest part for him to do was to actually leave the boy. The small hand was still gripping the end of his shirt. Let it. Let it rip. He couldn't personally pry the hand off his shirt without touching it. Touching Goku now might not serve as the best decision for both of them.
And so he started to walk, away from the bed and towards the door.
"Wait!"
Goku pulled the shirt. Using his grip, he pulled himself off the bed and wrung his weak arms around Hakkai's slim waist. He pressed his face on the warmth of Hakkai's back and instantly knew that he was doing the right thing. The whole back stiffened like taut wire despite of Goku's soft nuzzling.
"But I don't want you to go…," was all Goku managed to say.
"Goku…"
"No, listen, I don't want you to go. You said you should be ashamed for asking an apology. Well, I should be ashamed for not realizing that I should ask you an apology as well…"
"There's nothing for you to apolo…"
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Hakkai, for not understanding. For being so careless and selfish that I couldn't see anything else except my own problem and misery. It's you, you're the one who's holding all the pain and the guilt. It's not really your fault. If I didn't go about with my stupid naivety, I would see that what I have been doing is hurting you. I'm sorry, Hakkai, I'm sorry…"
"Stop it, Goku…"
"No, you stop it and listen to me," Goku pulled Hakkai's arm so that the man turned to face him. "I didn't get the chance to tell you this the last time. So now you listen to me well. I.. I think I understood something back in the mansion. I saw it in you… I finally understood why you wanted to do what you did. I understand now how you think of me. I don't understand everything, but at least I now understand the pain and the suffering you've been going through. That night was an accident. You snapped and you did it wrong. But that's okay. You've apologized and I should've accepted it. That's totally okay. Look, I'm not some little china doll who easily breaks, as you might think I am. I was only angry because I felt you violated my trust to you. I thought you hurt me. But now that I think about it, maybe in some way I hurt you too. And I'm sorry for that."
Goku could feel Hakkai trembled before him. He wrapped his arms around the waist once again, this time from the front, and looked up to the face hidden behind the curtain of hair.
"Why…," Hakkai's voice cracked. "why are you apologizing to me..?"
"Hakkai, may I ask you something?"
Hakkai simply nodded weakly.
"Why did you do it? To me, I mean. I thought, if you want to do it, you'd do it with Gojyo…. I mean, I know how close you two are and everything…"
"It has to be you….," Hakkai's trembled voice floated in the room like silver threads that would break in one single touch. "You remind me of something that I've been trying to bury deep inside of me. Your innocence, your way of showing that you care and the faithful way by which you do it. I once have that kind of love and it was taken away from me. I'm not as saintlike as I look, Goku. I've been angry, I've been gravely disappointed. And seeing you… and Sanzo, I realized that I'm also envious. I'm even jealous of Sanzo for having someone like you to care for him, while he mistreats you all the time. No, I know he doesn't actually mistreat you… I… maybe it's just because I want it back… I want that love back. And I see it in you. Gods, Goku, I'm such a terrible person. Don't you ever apologize to me.. I don't deserve it… I…"
Goku dragged himself to his knees. His hands reached both sides of Hakkai's face and stroked them. He watched with a pang in his heart as tears rolled down the pale cheeks and the lips trembled. Hakkai flinched as Goku touched his face. How he longed for that touch. And how he feared it now. He feared that if he let himself to feel the touch, he wouldn't be able to stop himself anymore.
And Goku saw it all. The pain and the longing had crept their way to the surface now that the calm mask Hakkai used to wear had been broken to pieces. Goku didn't like seeing them. He didn't like seeing Hakkai wear the mask either. He suddenly have a dire urge to see what the real Hakkai, without all the pain and the longing, looked like.
He understood it now. He knew he could heal the man. He knew, he was the only one who could.
"Ssshh, it's all right.. Ssshhh…," Goku whispered in comfort. "See how much pain you're causing yourself? And how much I've been causing you? That's it, Hakkai. I've decided now. You shouldn't suffer anymore. I won't let you to. You've always been the one to heal the others and live with the burden that's killing you inside. It's time that you let go and let others to heal you. Let me be the one to soothe that pain. Let me be the healer for you this time, Hakkai."
Hakkai needed him. Hakkai needed him to be there, to hold him close and comfort him. Like a wounded child needed soothing. And Goku was only glad to know he could actually help. How long had this man been suffering for his loneliness? For other's touch upon his lonely skin? He had been hurting for so long and no one yet to realize it. No one but Goku. But even that after going through all these incidents and sufferings.
Goku pulled the man's face down. He blushed a little before he locked his lips on Hakkai's trembling ones. Those lips were cold. Those lips were in thirst of other's touch. Those lips stiffened under his touch for a while, before they actually gave in. He could feel the tingling sensations that ran under his skin to form that fluttery feeling inside his healed stomach.
Hakkai hesitated. He still couldn't believe when Goku's lips touched his. His eyes widened when those sloppy, wet lips awkwardly molding his own in one gentle kiss. A scream of warning echoed inside his head. His head told him not to let the boy harm himself. And the boy was trying to harm himself by doing this to him. But it is just one kiss, said his heart. One kiss won't hurt.
This must be a sin, he thought, for it felt so heavenly sweet. And only the fruit of sin tastes that sweet. Yet, he had done wrong. He didn't deserve anything this sweet. He just didn't…
Goku pulled back for breath. He looked flushed but pleased with himself. I can do this, he thought pleasantly, I can help him find that love he said he's lost. I'll make him happy. He didn't know that helping someone could feel this good. Or was it the kiss that made him feel that good? Goku decided he didn't know. He wasn't the sort of person who was good in this kind of thing. Gojyo would know. And he suspected that Sanzo, despite of his I-have-a-stick-stuck-up-my-ass stiff attitude, would know as well.
Was it pity or sympathy, this warm tingling feeling spreading inside his chest?
Maybe it was both.
"Come here," Goku tugged Hakkai's arm, signaling the man to crawl on the bed with him.
"Goku…"
"Come here. Lie down with me."
Hakkai let himself be guided to the bed, while he was torn inside between accepting and rejecting the calling. He found his body a few seconds later to be lying down right next to the boy under the blanket that was still warm. The boy's face was flushed but was now also tinted with resolution. Whatever resolution the boy had made, Hakkai was too afraid to inquire.
Goku laid his head on Hakkai's chest. He wrapped one arm around the man's waist and tangled his legs with those of Hakkai's. He felt incredibly warm and comfortable that he was almost purring ecstatically.
"Mmm… Why haven't we done this before? It feels so good..," Goku raised his face and smiled to Hakkai. "You know, you're a lot nicer and more comfortable to be with than Sanzo. He would've given me that infamous death stare of his, you know, when his eyes slant that way he looks like a snake. Then out of nowhere, he would've produced that more infamous holy fan of his and smacked me with it…"
Goku's face suddenly fell. "Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have talked about Sanzo in times like this, should I?"
Hakkai forced a smile. "It's all right."
Goku jerked and raised himself on his elbow. "Now that's the usual smile you do when you're not being earnest of what you feel, isn't it, Hakkai? I know it now! Look, if there's anything that bothers you, just say so!"
Taken aback with what the boy was telling him, Hakkai couldn't help not to feel a peculiar kind of warmth seeped into his hollow heart. Could this boy really understand him, the real him? It was true that the boy had seen his worst form of anger and distress; he even tasted it in the hard way. And yet, here he was offering things Hakkai didn't think he would be capable of. Could the boy totally forgive him? Could the boy help to heal him? Seeing Goku now, and as always, he looked very earnest and eager to do so. To heal him. Could it even be done? Or was it just a concept formed out of hope and optimism?
"I told you how jealous I was of Sanzo because he has you," Hakkai tried to let the words flow out of his system without feeling guilty about it. He was failing, though. The guilt was still there. "But I guess it's all right if you talk about him. You really do…care about him…, don't you?"
"Well, yeah," Goku frowned his brows, thinking. "I do care for him. But that's not…love, is it? He will always have my faithful service, since he is the one I can really call my master. But I can't come running to him looking for comfort, you know. And it gets lonely for me sometimes."
"I understand the feeling."
Hakkai was smiling bitterly. Goku thought for a while, before popping out a question that had been residing long in his head but always forgotten to ask.
"Hakkai?"
"Hmm?"
"What is.. love?"
"You don't know what it is?"
"No. I've never had it. Well, I won't know whether I've ever had it or not if I don't know anything about it, right?"
Hakkai looked into the depth of those brown pools staring back at him. They were so clear, so young. There were neither traces of pain nor clouded honesty in there. Honesty. It was the very epitome of Goku's existence. He could be rash and blunt and naïve and hot-headed, but he was always honest. It wasn't without loving in his gesture when he brushed aside the thick bangs over the boy's forehead.
And he couldn't help to feel how endearing the boy's honesty was. Now that his anger and jealousy had subsided, he could clearly see that honesty was the one quality of Goku that he really, really liked.
He landed a gentle, fleeting kiss over the boy's warm forehead.
"It's a feeling, Goku, of like so intense that it might actually hurt you just by thinking of it."
He rubbed his fingers against the side of the boy's face, enjoying how the boy's eyes hazed in comfort.
"What does it feel, this 'love' thing? How do you know if you're in love?"
He took the boy closer in his arms, relishing the comfortable warmth the boy sent to his body. He helplessly shuddered with the emotions that raged in his heart.
"You just do. You'll want to always be by that person's side even though there are things about them that you don't like. You'll want to always see that person smile even at the cost of your own suffering. You'll understand everything about that person and they will understand everything about you. And then, you'll want to spend the rest of your life with that person."
He took the boy's hand and kissed the back of it, softly, tenderly. Goku watched him in an amazed silence. Whatever thought slipped into the boy's head because of the gesture, Hakkai didn't care. He felt he couldn't stand letting go of the hand, of the warm body snuggling close against his. Not so soon. Not ever.
I really am the lowest of the low…
That was the only thought that crossed his mind as he seek the boy's lips with his own. Surprised, Goku let the man did what he wanted to do. Then he felt a flush creeping over his face when he felt a wet tongue nudge his lips open. Not knowing what to do, he let the tongue do what it pleased. He shut his eyes tight when the tongue managed to pass his lips and entered his mouth. He felt more flush coloring his face when it started to caress his own in the most tender way.
If this was what people do when they were in love, it wasn't a bad thing.
When Hakkai broke the kiss, he was slightly panting for breath. Goku watched with astonishment when Hakkai's eyes turned into a cloudy shade of green. Without saying another word, the man buried his head in the crook of Goku's neck. The tongue went out again, it then nibbled on Goku's neck. The boy shut his eyes, suddenly felt terror was clutching his heart in a cold grip. This reminded him of that night, that night when the thunder struck so close to the ground. That night when Hakkai pushed him down and forced himself into him. Sweat was starting to dampen his forehead, as he recalled scene by scene that night with the incident.
He swallowed, hard. And cursed himself. He was the one who offered to do this. He was the one who proudly stated that he would help the man. And how he was the one cowering in fright over a single touch. What a paradoxical little thing, his messed-up head was.
He dug his fingers deep into Hakkai's shoulder, both in terror and pleasure, as the man's soft lips brushed against his earlobe. When the tongue came out again, licking softly at the contour of his earlobe, and a hand slipped inside his shirt to caress his chest, Goku couldn't help a soft moan to escape his mouth.
And that was enough to snap Hakkai's mind back into reality. Guilt was quick to find its way back into his head. He blushed with shame and immediately released the boy from the confine of his arms. He sat up, avoiding the boy's eyes, and covered his face with his trembling hand.
"I'm sorry…. I'm really sorry…. I didn't mean to…. I'm sorry…. I don't want to hurt you again…. I'm sorry…. What have I done..?"
Goku stared at the shaking back of his friend. Though Hakkai wasn't showing his face, Goku recognized the guilt and shame radiating from the back. And he knew, he just knew, that this Hakkai was different from the one who hurt him the other day. The Hakkai who hurt him had left, or delurked back into its godforsaken realm somewhere, leaving his other self to deal with all the pain and guilt it had caused. This Hakkai wouldn't hurt him. Wouldn't have the heart to hurt him. Even when he really needed Goku, physically as well as mentally, he wouldn't dare to hurt him.
Damn it!
Why hadn't he realized it sooner? Goku cursed himself.
That was it. He was tired of this guilt-and-pain games. It wouldn't bring them anywhere and it definitely wouldn't do anything good. It was about time to drop all pretense and actually do something.
Goku sat up and moved to approach Hakkai. He laid a hand over the shirt-clad back. Hakkai's body went stiff and rigid under his touch. Goku slid his arms around the shoulder.
"Ne, Hakkai, it's okay, you know."
When Hakkai didn't respond at all, he scrambled over and sat on Hakkai's lap, while clinging his hands around the man's neck. Hakkai's face, pale and awed, was clearly visible to him now. He decided that he liked seeing Hakkai's face that clearly, without any pretense to shroud it.
Blushing furiously, he spoke with an almost boyish pout. "If you want to do it, it's okay. You won't hurt me now. And I want it as much as you do. "
"Goku…"
"So do it."
"Goku, I.."
"I — don't laugh— don't know how to do it. So you have to do it."
"But Goku…."
"Oh, shut up, Hakkai."
Goku leaned over and kissed those hungry lips again. He didn't know where the hell he plucked his courage from. He didn't really care. He wanted this, he just realized. As much as he wanted to help Hakkai. This probably wasn't sheer sympathy after all.
Hakkai hesitated at first, not really believing what the boy had just said. Not really trusting himself to actually do it without hurting the boy. But having the boy's sweet, sweet lips crushed onto his was all he could take to strain himself. He returned the kiss, gently at first before letting it grow into a more passionate, breath-taking one. The boy unconsciously murmured during the kiss, which sent incredibly pleasing vibrations that stung all over his body.
Gods, how he wanted this boy so much….
Hakkai wrapped his arms around the boy's slim waist, pulling him closer so there wouldn't be any empty space to stretch between their bodies. The boy was so warm. He smelled wonderful too. Like the fresh morning air after a night of heavy rain. Like the smell brought by the first breeze of spring.
The boy's tongue nudged sloppily against his lips, before he opened them and had it slide inside. They met, they caressed, they stroked each other in the warm cavity, and it felt so right. So damn right.
When the kiss broke, Goku's face was all flushed, not with regret, but with desire and curiosity. The boy seemed to want more. Hakkai wasn't sure he should give more.
"Hakkai…. Touch me…."
It wasn't a plead. It wasn't a command either. To say it an encouragement was putting it mildly. It was probably a request.
His mind dove into a panic swirl of thoughts as his hands slid the boy's shirt over his shoulder and head. He shouldn't do this. He shouldn't. He must stop. He must put the shirt back on and leave the room. He didn't, though. The first sight of the boy's bare chest weakened him.
A sin is a sin, whether it is done in small or great amount. So might as well dive in.
It should be his religious motto from now on, Hakkai thought, as he trailed a wet trace from the boy's neck down to his naked chest. The boy shivered on his lap, digging his fingers deep into Hakkai's shoulder. When he kissed one of the nipples, the boy's breath hitched up, much to his excitement.
"Ah, Hakkai…"
"Did I hurt you? Should I stop?"
Goku squirmed. "God, no. Don't stop."
He squirmed some more when Hakkai nibbled on the nipple. He felt his body was undergoing something he had never experienced before. He didn't feel like this the first time with Hakkai. Then again, he didn't have any room for any pleasantries with all the pain. This was different, he thought. This was much nicer.
Hakkai felt something nudged against his stomach. He was surprised, when he looked down, to find that it was the boy's erection. And what was more surprising to see was his own arousal poking at the boy's crotch. The boy saw it too. He blushed and wriggled his hip to shift his position until both erections touched and poked each other.
"Goku…"
The friction was unbearable. What Hakkai wanted was to throw the boy down on the bed and fuck him senseless. But he wasn't going to hurt him again. Ignoring his boiling need, he took the boy's pants-clad erection in his hand and stroke it gently. Goku groaned, leaning his head on Hakkai's shoulder.
"God, Hakkai, do something about that!"
"What do you want, Goku?" he whispered amusedly into the boy's sensitized ear.
Goku's grip on his shoulder tightened. "I don't know! Anything!"
Hakkai slid Goku's pants down slowly, only as much as to reveal the already-hard cock. He stoked its dripping tip with his thumb, sending stars to Goku's eyes. He tweaked, pinched, rubbed and stroked for some more until Goku was no more than a puddle of jelly in his arms. A moaning puddle of jelly.
Understanding the boy's immediate need, Hakkai laid him gently on the bed. He took off his own pants before lying on top of the boy to ravish the inviting mouth. He ground his naked arousal against Goku's, enjoying the moan the boy let out between the wet kisses.
"Hakkai…. Is that you?"
"Yes, that's me."
Feeling shamelessly debauched, Goku raised his hip to meet Hakkai's, only to create more pleasing frictions. Hakkai dropped his head on Goku's chest, moaning, and tried to think of other thing but forcing himself into the boy's body.
"Don't… don't, Goku… Not so fast…. I'll… I'll end up hurting you again…"
Goku was equally aroused. "No. No, you won't. It's not like you're forcing yourself with me again. I want this, now. If I want it, it won't hurt as much, will it?"
"I… I don't know…"
"Let's just do it, Hakkai."
Helplessly, Hakkai buried his face in Goku's hair. "God, you know it's not like I don't want to do it."
"Then do it. Get over your fear. I did with mine."
"You're not going to regret it?"
"I don't think so."
"You will tell me to stop when it hurts too much?"
"I will. Promise."
"You will tell me to stop when it's not pleasing you too?"
Goku wriggled some more, desperate for more frictions on his arousal. "Oh, for God's sake, Hakkai!"
"Ah, sorry….okay…"
Hakkai crawled down the boy's body, positioning himself between the legs. He pulled down Goku's pants. His breath grew ragged when he saw the sight of Goku's hard cock bobbed free from its cotton confinement. He trailed wet kisses up the boy's leg, to the thigh, before finally dared himself to lick the balls. He heard Goku trashing about, but was too occupied with the sweet taste of him in his mouth that he didn't look up.
It was an incredible feeling. Goku clawed his nails into the bed sheet. The innkeeper wouldn't be happy with the sheet tomorrow. Well, Sanzo would have to cover the extra cost for the ruin sheet. Boy, ain't he going to be really mad tomorrow. And THAT's the only thought I have in my mind right now!? Goku couldn't believe himself.
Hakkai was really good with his mouth, he decided between his ragged pants. The way he licked, and sucked, and rolled them in that mouth could send him over the moon and never to return down to earth again. And when he shifted said licking, sucking and rolling activities to his throbbing cock, he almost wept, literally.
He was slightly aware of his shame when he began to moan loudly. He needed more. He didn't know what. Something! Something faster, maybe. And harder. God, it was torture when Hakkai started to suck him slow and hard like that. It was like being hungry but constantly deprived of food. Or like being hungry and couldn't snatch the food that dangled before his very nose. Yes, it had everything to do with being hungry. He was hungry for more; more of this, more of Hakkai.
He tried to tell that to Hakkai, but because of the incredible pleasure, he could only mumble something incoherent.
"What is it? Am I hurting you?" Hakkai's voice sounded worry.
Damn it! This wasn't the time for worrying about the pain.
"More…," Goku muttered when he finally remembered his vocabulary. "I need more."
"More what?"
"How the hell should I know? Just more… of this. There's got to be something more to this, isn't it?" he was suddenly very alarmed. "Isn't it?"
Blinking in surprise, Hakkai smiled tenderly. "Yes, there is. I'm going there. Just lie down and enjoy it, Goku."
"I am enjoying it. I just want to enjoy it more…"
The boy's breath was ragged and short. His skin glowed slightly with perspiration. His fingers were tearing the sheet to pieces. His hips were slightly raised off the bed, his arousal hard and dripping. The boy was ready. So ready, he was in pain. And Hakkai knew that pain. Oh he knew it all to well. That constant throbbing pain in his body with nothing to heal. Surely, he could just settle with his own hand to do the trick. But most of the time, it wasn't enough. He needed flesh -- warm, caring flesh -- to sink himself into.
No, he would not go there now.
The past had already passed and he had promised himself he wouldn't bring it to the present time anymore.
This time, he had Goku. And Goku was all he needed.
"Wait the minute," Goku raised on his elbows again, still panting for air. "Why are you still dressed while I'm not?"
"I'm already without any pants."
"Yes, I can see that. But what's going on with your shirt? Are you planning to have it on during….this?"
"Do you want me to take this off?"
"Hell, yeah."
Obediently, Hakkai took off his shirt and dropped it on the floor. He knelt there on the bed without anything covering his body, for the boy's young eyes to freely scrutinize. Feeling self-conscious, a furious flush began to creep over his face.
Goku was staring. With those innocent baby browns, he was staring. At his sinful, youkai body. He wanted to run away, away from that stare. He felt terribly ugly and shameful. And he swore he could hear his self-confident's footstep running out of the room to the hall outside at the very moment.
You're beautiful, Hakkai…
That was surely not going to escape the boy's mouth. Because he wasn't beautiful at all.
"God, you're so skinny, Hakkai! We should've fed you more!" Goku's eyes were as round as saucers.
*thud*
Ah, yes, that was exactly something Goku would say. He couldn't help but chuckled amusedly at the boy's respond. Goku, who didn't understand why Hakkai was laughing, knitted his brows.
"What? What did I say? You are skinny!" the monkey boy pouted in confusion, but then he sat up and went to hold Hakkai by the waist. "But I like it."
Still half-chuckling, Hakkai stroked the boy's tousled hair. "What?"
"I said, I like it. Your body. The way it is. I really do," Goku was blushing to the very root of his hair.
Feeling very much touched, Hakkai took the boy's face in his hands and kissed him. "You are incredible, Goku."
The boy grinned like a monkey, while tightening his hold around Hakkai's waist.
"Now, since I've ruined the mood, I'll make it up to you," he said, going down on Hakkai's body.
"What? What are you doing?"
He took Hakkai's cock in his hand and smiled to the man. "Let me taste you."
"Goku…"
"You tasted me. And it felt amazing. I want you to feel that amazing feeling too."
"I don't have to. It's okay."
"No, it's not okay. I want to do this, okay?"
Without further warning, the boy kissed the tip of the head and gave it a lick. Hakkai gritted his teeth, half in disbelieve, half in raw pleasure. Pleased with the taste on his tongue, Goku took the throbbing length into his mouth and began to suck.
Hakkai let out a long, deep moan; feeling his body was melting into a goo. He leant his hands on Goku's shoulder for support because he didn't trust his own legs to do the job. The boy's mouth was a wondrous thing. It was warm, and wet, and eager. It was a combination of those and more. He had to muster all the control he had over his body not to come right there.
For Goku, it felt strangely nice. The texture of the man's cock against his tongue was thick and velvety. He thought it would feel all weird, but it wasn't. Hearing Hakkai moan and pant above him helped to make him forget about the strangeness and awkwardness to have another man's cock in his mouth. He went and sucked it all up and did what Hakkai did to him just a moment earlier.
Overwhelmed by his hot desire, Hakkai topped Goku over to the bed. The boy yelped as he felt the entire world swirled before his eyes, before realizing he was lying on his back once again. He didn't have the chance to protest because Hakkai was suddenly showering him with hot, deep kisses. He had his face framed between Hakkai's firm hands and his whole body pinned down to the bed. The silent man let out an uncharacteristically ferocious growl while he ravished Goku's neck and jaw.
"Hakkai…," Goku panted, digging his fingers into Hakkai's hair.
The voice that followed afterwards was Hakkai's. But it wasn't in his usual light-hearted tone. It was low, and hoarse, and flat, as if he was straining for something.
"Goku, if you want me to stop now, say it now. After this, I won't be able to hold back anymore. I might pain you. I might take you with force. I'm serious. Do you want me to stop now?"
The heart beat so fast inside Goku's chest. Somehow, the seriousness of the tone was like a cold razor cutting him in two. Yet, he couldn't deny that it also invoke the funny feeling rioting in his guts that was excitement. But he had dropped his fear some time ago. He wasn't going to pick it up again. And surprisingly, he didn't have to. He wasn't even a bit scared. He wanted this to happen, whatever reasons could make him to. It might be lust, it might be not. It might be love, it might be not either. He didn't know. It wasn't the right time to use his lust-numbed brain to start thinking. Oh, well, he had never been good with thinking while he was in normal condition anyway.
So he should just depend on his feeling and instinct. "I want it. Don't stop. I don't care if it's going to hurt. God, Hakkai, don't be mean and stop teasing me now!"
There was a thick edge of desire in the boy's answer. Which was good, thought Hakkai. That would help him forget about the pain. If all would be well, he would even probably enjoy this as much as Hakkai did. Though he wondered how could the boy, innocent of he was in terms of love and sex, to have that certain passionate edge in his voice. Lust must have awakened the boy's inner beast. Realizing this, Hakkai started to have a mad idea. He might not feel so guilty of making love with this Goku.
Making love? Hakkai wanted to laugh, though he wasn't so sure if it because of joy or pain. When was the last time he actually makes love? Never. Never after Kanan. How he had forgotten the feel of other's flesh scorching into his own! How a delicious touch would satiate the passionate hunger that echoed throughout his whole existence. How he missed it. How he wanted it back.
And Goku was here to remind him.
"Very well."
Hakkai took his position. He pried himself from Goku and knelt between the boy's open legs. He raised the boy's hips, followed by Goku's cute squeal, off the bed and leant it on his stomach. He spread the boy's legs even wider, causing Goku to blush madly. He put a finger into his mouth and suckled it. When he thought it was wet enough, he slowly but smoothly inserted it into the boys tight opening.
Goku clawed deep fissures in the mattress with his nails as panic attacked him at the first sense of the alien finger inside his body. He bit his lips, anticipating for the pain that might ensue. But the expected pain didn't come. Instead, he began to feel…rather good. The finger gently probed him in places he never knew existed in him. As if something alive was exploring all the secret places inside his body. It was undoubtedly strange. But it was also particularly pleasing. It was very different from the first time Hakkai did it with him. He could only remember the raw pain, nothing else. Now, he could thoroughly enjoy the novel sensations his body was going through.
"This doesn't…..," Goku gasped, "feel so bad…"
Taking it as a green light, Hakkai added the second finger and probed deeper, which Goku responded with a loud moan. Moan, not scream. Which was good. The boy still wasn't hurting. He pushed the fingers deeper until Goku's entire body jerked as if thunder stroke in the inner side of his groin. The boy did scream, then, but not without pleasure.
"Ohgodohgodohgodohgod….. what was that?" the boy groaned while writhing about on the bed.
"That," Hakkai smiled, "is the place where I'm going to stroke with my body over and over again, until the pleasure will blind and dumb you."
The boy groaned some more, impatient and extremely aroused to hear Hakkai saying such an obscene line.
"Then what the hell are you doing? Go blind and dumb me now!"
Hakkai was only too happy to comply. He pulled his fingers out of Goku's wet opening. He took his own arousal, which was still wet from Goku's blowing a moment ago, and slipped it inside the boy as slowly as he could control himself to do. The boy ripped the sheet with his tight grip and filled the silent air with his scream.
"Relax your muscle, Goku. Don't reject me, it'll hurt more."
Hakkai reached to stroke the boy's neglected arousal to distract him from the pain. It worked like a charm. Soon enough, Goku's pained screams turned into pleading moans, while Hakkai was still adjusting his size to the tightness of his body. It took all the strength and control that he had not to go wild and pound into the boy right there. He waited for the boy to get used to his size before he finally started to move his hips.
"Gods, Goku…," Hakkai almost passed out from the pleasure as Goku's tightness gripped him hard. But instead of stopping, he increased the speed of his movement.
Wave after wave of pleasure and pain hit Goku like a strong current that drowned him mercilessly. He felt as if he could die out of the sheer combination of sensations anytime now, but he had also never felt so alive. Ironic. How a thing that hurt and frightened him a few days ago could feel so damn good now. His senses were alive, aroused. He could feel every single friction made by Hakkai as he pushed and pulled in and out of his body. And every single friction threatened to burn him with unquenchable lust and yet, here he was still alive. Still rock hard. Still very much aroused.
It was different, very different from that night. Images of memory from the first time Hakkai touched him flashed before Goku's eyes. He closed his eyes, wishing the painful reminder to go away. It was different then, Goku thought, it was completely different. This felt like an entirely different experience, though it involved the same people. This..
It wasn't the real Hakkai who did what he did the other day, Goku decided.
It was Hakkai being eaten up from the inside by the demon that was his past.
It was Cho Gono.
The real Hakkai was the one groaning above him.
The real Hakkai wouldn't want to hurt him.
The real Hakkai was a fragile man whose soul once shattered by the tragic fate his life had led. To prevent from being completely broken to pieces, he grew that demon inside of him, to protect his real fragile self. Goku gazed at the currently moaning Hakkai with such fondness.
I will protect him now. He won't need the demon to do that for him anymore. I'm not going to let this gentle soul suffers anymore.
And so the vow had been spoken.
Hakkai leant over, making love to Goku's mouth with his wet tongue. Goku wrapped his arms around the man's neck, pulling him closer. He wanted to be closer, he wanted to be one with the man. He felt he could merge into Hakkai's body and lived inside him for the rest of his life. And he thought, that might not be such a bad idea.
Hakkai whispered his name intimately in his ears, his voice deep and hoarse. It was like breathing a new soul into Goku. Something born and grew inside the boy's innocent heart. Something close to love, but perhaps even more. Something so primitive, so ancient and nameless, yet strangely familiar all the same. It felt so right.
Hakkai took his hands and squeezed them together. Sweat and pre-come glued them in a bond they were forging with their souls. It was so intense, so intimate. Their ragged breathing molded together and they felt it in their heart that nothing stood between them, not then, not later, and not ever. Inseparable, insatiable. They were one. There was no telling which one was the other, as the heat in the center of their bodies intensified. Like a flame, grand and graceful, the heat danced inside their bodies. It danced and exploded and set their souls to soar up high.
Hakkai snapped his body upwards as his eyes went blind.
Goku arched his back and screamed as he felt his life was being ripped from his body.
Then they both exploded, merging into one, drowned and lost in a sea of light so blinding it felt as if the universe has shrunk and they were the only ones washed ashore to the beach of human existence.
+ + + + + +
When he opened his eyes the next morning and found that one tousled-haired head was poking his face, Hakkai couldn't help not to smile very contentedly. So it wasn't a dream after all. He wouldn't wonder if it were, though he was extremely relieved that it wasn't.
He gazed down to the sleeping boy, who found comfort in the tight wrap of his arms. His heart swelled with warmth and gratitude. He ran a hand over the tousled hair lovingly. He buried his face into the soft hair and inhaled the sweet smell of the boy as if it was the air he needed to survive. He wanted to laugh. He wanted to shout. Hell, he wanted to cry in joy.
For whatever deities who had enough mercy to bless him with this much of happiness, he was very grateful. He would probably ask Sanzo later to teach him how to pray to the gods, something he had deliberately forgotten after his life took a tragic turn in the past.
He recalled what happened last night. Not once did he even think about Kanan, sex wise, during the whole time they made love. And that was one of his greatest worries, that he wouldn't be able to make love with anyone else without thinking about Kanan. Whatever the boy did to make him think of nothing else but him, he didn't know. But he was grateful, nonetheless.
He must be the luckiest man in the world. It was such a cliché line, but it couldn't be any truer. He stroked the boy's back tenderly, vowing to himself that this time he would not fail to protect what was his anymore. He wouldn't let it happen the second time. Not with Goku. Not with his sweet, little Goku…
"Hakkaiii…?"
A hoarse moan was heard from under the tousled hair. A sleepy face with half-lidded drowsy eyes looked up to meet his. The eyes blinked cutely for several times, before a dopey grin broke on the lips.
"Mornin'…."
"Morning," Hakkai returned the greet with a gentle kiss on the boy's lips.
Goku squirmed and moaned and squirmed some more.
"Man, I'm staaaaarved!" he declared to the entire empty room, completely ruining the affectionate mood.
Hakkai chuckled. Trust Goku to worry about food the first time his consciousness returned.
"How are you?" he asked, nuzzling the boy's neck and nibbled it until the boy ticklishly giggled.
"I told you, I'm hungry…"
"I mean, are you still sore?"
"What? Oh, sure. I'm hurting for mooore…"
Hakkai laughed and bit the boy's earlobe playfully. "Honestly!"
Goku's brilliant laugh broke, as clear as the ringing of bells to Hakkai's ear. Hakkai rolled the boy over, pinning him down to the bed with no way out. Goku, in turn, used this chance to tickle Hakkai's nipples playfully. He received another bite on the neck from the laughing -- and squirming -- Hakkai.
Once their laughter died down to a comfortable silence, Goku looked up to the other man's face and found himself being stared with eyes filled with so much love and warmth.
"Thank you," whispered Hakkai with a most tender smile.
Goku returned the smile with his own boyish one. "You're welcome."
"So, now that the good deed has been done, when are you planning to leave me to my own loneliness?"
"Nuh-uh! I'm planning to stick around. You're not going to get rid of me so easily, Mister."
"Really, I thought children have short attention span…"
"Hey, I'm much older than you are!"
"Hoo, you know, you're right."
Hakkai ran little breath-taking kisses over Goku's chest, causing the boy to shut his eyes and moan. "You make me feel happier than I never thought I could ever be."
He lowered the kisses down to the navel, where he lingered for a while, enjoying the heavy squirming the boy was going through.
"Hakkai…"
He trailed the scar that ran the middle part of Goku's stomach with his lips. The wound had completely healed a few days after the injury was conceived. But the scar left the once perfectly smooth skin marred. This was a sign of his failure, thought Hakkai. May this be a reminder so that he wouldn't make the same mistake again in the future.
"You know, Hakkai," Goku ran both of his hands to the side of Hakkai's face. "We should do this again."
"Again?"
"Yes. In fact, I think we should do it often. Like every night. Like twice, no, three times a day. It'll be like some sort of medicine."
"Yes, a medicine that instead of improving our health, it will kill us slowly in the process," Hakkai laughed mildly.
Goku pulled both of Hakkai's cheeks playfully while feigning anger. "I'm serious, Hakkai! Look, I don't know much about this stuff, but I understood something last night. I don't know if it's love or anything, and well, maybe it isn't, since I don't know what love is. But…"
Goku raised himself on his elbows and landed a kiss on Hakkai's lips.
"I want to be with you all the time, because you're very, very nice. I feel most comfortable and safe when I'm with you. I always want to see you smile, because I hate it when you're sad or depressed. You make me sad and depressed too if you are. You have the greatest smile in the world, Hakkai, so smile often! Also, I don't know if we both understand each other, but I want to know more about you. Much more than the usual friend thing that we share. And I think spending the rest of my life with you is a really good idea. I think I really, really, reaaaally like you, Hakkai. And don't forget about the three-times a day sex thing. But don't tell this to Gojyo, unless you want him to make fun of me…."
This boy….
Hakkai was drowned in his overwhelmed silence as his eyes felt warm and his sight was blurred. He took the boy's hand and kissed it with all the love and respect his shattered heart could hold. His body quivered and his breath ragged as he lied on the bed and took the boy into his arms.
"Hakkai,…. are you crying?"
"No, Goku. I'm smiling."
They stayed in each other's arms that way for a long stretch of silence. It was the kind of comfortable silence when everything in the world felt so right, it could never be any more right than that. It was a peaceful calm, soothing and pleasing, incredibly blissful. Well, at least until a loud growl roaring through the air, breaking the peaceful, blissful, comfortable silence rather unceremoniously.
Goku grinned like a dopey sheep. Or maybe, a dopey monkey, to be exact.
"Sorry. It think I really am starving," he said while rubbing his still-growling stomach.
Laughing gleefully, Hakkai raised himself off the bed, off Goku's circle of arms.
"Where are you going?" Goku was disappointed to see Hakkai go.
"Why, to cook your breakfast, of course," answered Hakkai cheerfully.
Goku eyes sparkled like a starry sky with shooting stars. "REALLY?! THANK YOU, HAKKAI!!"
"You won't have to worry about food anymore, Goku. Or anything else. I'm going to take care of you," Hakkai was quick in getting dressed. "Now, what do you want for breakfast? I'll cook you anything you want. I'm sure the inn cook will let me borrow his kitchen for a while."
Goku was practically bouncing on the bed. "What do I want? Now, what do I want? Meat steamed-buns would be nice. But I also want a large bowl of chicken porridge with boiled egg. Or a big plate of toast and scrambled egg with pancake on the side. Oh! Oh! But fried rice with meatballs and sausages is also delicious. But, you know what, I've been wanting noodles with pork-chops these past few days. Oooh… this is so difficult! Must be the toughest decision I've ever had to make in my entire life!"
Hakkai was taking notes of whatever Goku suggested. "Is there anything else?"
"What do you mean 'anything else'? I haven't decided anything!"
"Then don't give yourself the trouble. I'll cook them all!"
Goku's jaw dropped to the floor. He was frozen like that for one full minute, before he scrambled off the bed to hug Hakkai by the waist as if the man was the great savior who was going to save the world from a horrendous disaster. He was completely oblivious of his nudity, much to Hakkai's pleasure.
"I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU, HAKKAI! I LOVE YOU!" Goku was already in tears of joy.
Hakkai chuckled. "Now, now, Goku. You shouldn't say the word 'love' that carelessly. I might begin to think that you're not serious."
Goku instantly sobered up. "You know that's not true. You're scaring me, Hakkai. Please, tell me you know exactly how I feel about you."
Actually, I don't, Goku, thought Hakkai. but I'm not going to let you get away with that. I'll make sure that whatever it is you're feeling for me right now will grow into love. Though it sounds like a foolish dream for me to wish that kind of thing, I'm going to wait until one day you can say the word I've been longing to hear for so long. But I'm not going to push you to say it. I will wait until you do.
"I'm just kidding," Hakkai answered with the happiest of smile. "If there isn't anything else you want me to cook, then why don't you stay here and wait for me to finish."
"Okay!"
Goku watched as Hakkai disappeared behind the door. He couldn't help not to feel incredibly content. Not because of the amazing promise of a super-duper satisfying breakfast, but because Hakkai looked really happy. It was the first time after so long that Hakkai seemed to be this happy. And knowing that it was mostly because of him, made him feel even happier than Hakkai was.
Goku stretched and yawned loudly to the empty room. He stalked his way back to the warm bed and threw himself on it. He yawned again before he purred and curled under the blanket that smelled blissfully like Hakkai and took a nap until breakfast was ready.
Not even a stampede of raging youkai would ruin his day after this. He was so happy he felt stupid and numb because of it. If Gojyo were there, he would gladly say that Goku was stupid and numb to begin with. But even that wouldn't bother him.
+ + + + + +
Three days later, when it was considered safe for Goku's state of health, the gang was leaving again. Everything went back to normal. No, everything was even better. The gloomy mood that once hung over them had lifted up completely. Their journey was once threatened to fail, but now they were back on track. The stormy cloud had gone and so life must go on.
At least, for some people.
Sanzo watched in silence as Goku, who was taking his luggage to the Jeep, wailed in agony because he was hungry. Hakkai, who went overboard again – it was the third time in three days-- by preparing a special 10 course meal for his monkey-boy lover, calmed the hungry soul immediately. Sanzo stood silently by the Jeep, watching them with an unreadable expression on his face.
When Hakkai went inside the inn to grab some extra food provision for the trip, Sanzo silently slipped behind him and followed until they arrived at the inn kitchen. Hakkai then realized that Sanzo had been following him inside. He didn't know what the scary monk had been feeling about the new situation with him and Goku, and he wasn't sure if he should pry into it. Knowing Sanzo, he might end up with a hole in his head if he asked about his feeling.
"Sanzo, I didn't know you're here," Hakkai tried putting on his most innocent smile.
Sanzo, who could see through the innocent façade, cut the chase and went straight to the point. "I don't care what you and that brat have been doing or planning to do after this. So don't bother to tell me. I'll kill you if you do. That brat has been a nuisance to me and I'm glad he's not tailing me around anymore. But however it is, it is my bad luck to be the one who freed him from that blasted mountain and I'm doomed 'till my death to see to it that he doesn't do anything stupid that will hurt himself. Which is an impossible thing to do, since he has a knack to bring trouble along with him. So, I hate to say this, but I'm still the one responsible for his sake. That's why – I'm only going to say this once so listen well – if there's anything bad happens to him, or if you kick his stupid ass too hard he cries like a stupid baby, I won't hesitate to come and kill you. It's my ass on the stake for his safety since the old geezers in heaven trusted me with him. You hurt him, I'll kill you. You stop taking care of him, I'll kill you. You kill him, I kill you. He comes running to me and tells me whatever it is you've been doing noisily at night, I'll kill you too. So make sure it won't happen."
Hakkai was genuinely surprised. And touched. This was a very Sanzo-ish way to tell him that he better take good care of the boy he cared so much, or else he would avenge him. He knew he should probably be offended with this rather rude threat, but knowing Sanzo, he realized the cold, mean monk had just given him his permission to freely fuck his monkey-slave. And it brought such warm, fuzzy feeling to Hakkai's chest.
In return, he decided to tell Sanzo that he got the message loud and clear. Also in a ery Sanzo-ish way.
"So, to sum up, whatever I'll do, you'll kill me anyway," Hakkai fought not to smile.
Sanzo's brow twitched. "You can feed him all right. He's quiet when he's full. I like the quiet. And you can keep him around all day. I can finally enjoy my privacy."
"Okay. Got it."
As Sanzo turned to go, Hakkai stopped him again. "Sanzo, by the way, thank you. For this and everything before."
The monk froze for a second or two, before he said, "Save it. I don't know what you're talking about."
It was with a slightly lighter weight in his chest that Sanzo left the inn to rejoin his other traveling companions. But he was still in his sulking mode. He didn't know why but he thought he knew that it wouldn't go away so soon, this shaky-angry feeling of his. Gojyo, who noticed him disappear into the inn right after Hakkai, and was feeling rather bored, approached the upset monk.
"Hey, what did you say to him?" Gojyo asked.
"Who?"
Gojyo rolled his eyes. "Drop the stupid mask. You know I was talking about Hakkai. What did you say to him? Did you tell him to break up with Goku."
"I have no idea what you're talking about. I went in to talk to the innkeeper."
Gojyo, who knew that Sanzo was lying but was too proud to admit it, decided to shift the subject. "Looks like everything went well for both of them."
"I'd say, it went far too well."
Gojyo laughed. "You're damn right."
He gazed at his monk friend, who was currently eyeing the couple – Hakkai went out of the inn not long after Sanzo did -- in a deadly silence. Gojyo sighed, feeling that he understood well what Sanzo was feeling right now.
"It's not like he's leaving you, you know, Sanzo," said Gojyo again. "The brat's still as faithful to you as a stupid puppy. He just happens to have another person whom he seek comfort from. Let's just face it, it's not like you love comforting the nagging brat, is it?"
Sanzo scowled, turning around to leave the nosy Gojyo while saying, "He never seriously asked."
Gojyo gaped at the sulking monk. That cold and stiff bastard was just acting like a selfish, spoiled brat himself. Which was…
"He's kinda cute," Gojyo chuckled. "Especially when he's sulking like this."
Quickly, he caught up with his crabby friend. He stepped in front of Sanzo and hovered his face only millimeters away from the angry monk's. He took Sanzo's chin with his hand and threw him his most indecent, sexiest smile.
"You know, the offer of my companion is still up. Since we're both now free, whatd'ya say if we retreat somewhere and have a little quickie. It's not like they're going to miss us for a while…"
Before Sanzo had the time to squash down the offer in the cruelest way, Goku appeared just beside them.
Goku's eyes went as big as dinner plates. "GOJYO! What the hell are you doing?! Are you hitting on Sanzo?! You, you, you perverted kappa!!"
"Hey, when the hell did you get here? Shoo, leave us alone!"
"You really are the Horny King, aren't you? Pervert! You're such a pervert! Sanzo won't want to be with you!"
Sanzo raised a brow, as if annoyed with the fact that someone else was deciding if he wanted to be with anyone or not. Meanwhile, Gojyo, mischievous as he was, had another thing up his sleeve.
He smiled wickedly and said in a thick honeyed-voice, "Oh, really, sweet, little, lovey-dovey Goku. Are you sure I'm the horny one of the gang now? Recently, I hear a lot of complains about the noise coming from YOUR room, not mine. Oh, I wonder, what could you possibly do to elicit THOSE kinds of noise…"
SMACK!!
Gojyo rubbed his the fresh bump on his head. "Ouch! SANZO, why the hell did you do that for?!"
Sanzo raised a brow. "It wasn't me."
Hakkai, smiling calmly as ever, returned the holy fan to Sanzo, who took it as casually as if nothing ever happened. Goku laughed so hard, he almost fell tumbling to the ground.
Gojyo gaped.
"Hakkai?! You did…. But it's supposed to be Sanzo's job to smack people's head around, not yours!"
Hakkai was still smiling. "Now, now, Gojyo, don't be mad. You're the one who told me not to keep my emotions to myself anymore. I just had this sudden urge to hit you and so I did. Was I wrong?"
Gojyo gaped even wider. Unintelligible words were choked from his throat, as he wanted to protest yet unsure if he really should.
Goku laughed even louder; he actually fell on his butt.
Sanzo muttered something under his breath while rubbing his temple.
Hakkai returned to uploading his luggage to the Jeep, humming merrily all the while. He glanced at the bright sky above and the long road that lied before their journey.
"Ah, yes, what a perfect day today!"
+ + + + + +
yoong's A/N: Yeah~!!! It's finally done!!! jumping around This is a dream come true for me. I never thought of making such a long, intensed fic, especially to complete it. I've never mentioned before but here, I want to say "Thank you" to all readers. Your reviews are the best fuel to Sakura and me. We might not be able to finish this fic without your warm and kind support. Do you like it? This ending chapter is so sweet to compensate the bitter angst from all earlier ones.
To Sakura, you're my very dear friend. Thanks for all you have done. It's nearly unbelievable that our team has lasted for over a year already. You have my gratitutde from the bottom of my heart, pal!!
Sakura's Scribbling: Finally! After a really lo~o~ng period of writing and procrastinating, this fic is done! Woo-hoo! Ooh, I can see Yoong crying with relief, after she found out that I could actually finish it… ^__^;; Yoong, sorry for all the trouble I've caused you. And thank you for teaming up with me. Never before have I been so emotionally involved in writing a character's POV as you made me to be in this fic. You're such a wonderful plotter! Hell, with your amazing care for details, you're probably the greatest fan Saiyuki could ever have! *applauds Yoong*
And as for you, faithful readers, who have been following our work all this time, thank you! I'm especially grateful for all the reviewers! Your encouragement really helped me every time I was in a slip knot and was feeling like I couldn't go on. (This goes for Yoong as well, by the way! ^^) I hope you enjoyed it! I know I did. =)