Chapter 8: Reluctant Resolutions
We just sat there staring at each other, for God knows how long. Me getting that guilty feeling again, the one that was so fierce it burned. And I wanted to leave again, but it was different, because I didn't want to leave HIM I wanted to leave the tension between us, I just wanted everything, all the bad between us to seep away and I wanted him and me to just be together, be happy, be friends.
"I shouldn't have told you that," He finally said breaking the eye contact and running a hand through his hair. I didn't know how to reply. I really didn't, I felt so dumb, how did I let this happen?
"Friends are supposed to tell each other that sort of thing, I suppose," I mumbled, which was pretty dumb, considering all the things I hadn't told him or Harry. He squinted at me and sort of grinned a little.
"What do you mean by that?" He asked. That's when I started to feel it I suppose, that great sweeping of stupidity on my part. Why the hell had I said that? WHY?
"I just mean, you can tell me whatever you want," I stammered. He raised an eyebrow.
"What about you? Will you tell me what's going on?" He asked pointedly. I shifted uncomfortably. And I suppose that's when it happened, I mean, I didn't want to tell him, but I didn't want him mad at me and he was staring at me in this way and... And I suppose I'm making a lot of bollocks excuses for what I did. I just grabbed him and kissed him... AGAIN.
It was different then the time before though, it was longer and... I can't think of a good word, rougher I suppose. I could feel him against me begging for more, in a way that I'd never felt before. And it was nice in a way, but too much. I didn't want to fully go under... Not yet.
He growled, low in the back of his throat when I broke away, and cursed lightly under his breath.
"Look, that was great, I mean... I liked it, but you can't just DO that, and then go on as if nothing happened," He panted staring at my ducked head. "I won't touch you until you give me the signal, but once you do... Damn, sometimes I can't stop myself... Not with you."
I didn't know what to say. How did I let this happen? AGAIN? I was mentally screaming at myself when I remembered something Nicole had said, something about how we should be able to have meaningless flings our last summer before college, and then I was looking up at him, in his sweet, and somehow at the same time fiery blue eyes, and I was thinking, maybe a fling could work, maybe. And I just smiled. A tiny smile, just the edges of my lips curving up, and then he smiled back, in that same sweet lopsided way that he always had and we both knew.
He knew that I had said yes, and I knew that I had said yes, and it was ok. Everything was ok. His strong calloused hand reached up and smoothed over my cheek and I could have sworn he whispered: "Thank-you," Ever so lightly, between his teeth.
"And I don't want no red tomato I just want my sweet potato!" Loud male voices chorused as the door swung open. Ron and I leaped apart, in a way that reminded me affectionately of our childhood at Hogwarts.
"That's our new song, it's not finished yet," He explained as Harry, Dean and Seamus crashed through the door to the kitchen.
"Oh, sorry, didn't mean to interrupt," Seamus said, as he stepped into the kitchen, he turned around and made a face to the other two which smirked.
"We just got off work," Harry explained, following Seamus into the kitchen and falling into a chair by the table.
"Oh," Ron replied glancing up at the clock hanging diagonally over the refrigerator. A regular muggle one. For a second I missed the Weasley clock, and then remembered what went along with the Weasley clock and everything else in the wizarding world... "We've been here for nearly two hours," He said amazed. I was too, it hadn't seemed that long, but I suppose with all the time we let go by with awkward silence, plus the drive here...
"So, what were you two... Doing?" Harry asked. I shot him a look, which he returned with an innocent smile.
"Talking," I said starkly. He cocked his head to one side quizzically. And Dean sniggered.
"And we ate," I added looking at my, now cold, plate of French toast, which I had hardly touched. Harry, Dean and Seamus's eyes all flew to the plate hungrily.
"I'm full," I muttered, pushing it forward, where it was devoured by the three boys. Ron caught my eye, looking slightly smug as he muttered something about his "Famous" toast.
"We've got a gig this Saturday night where we're debuting it, at the club, you should come," Ron said slowly.
"Um, sure," I agreed totally forgetting the date with Sinkerbait that I had agreed to for the same night. Ron grinned as if he'd just won the lottery... Of course he would never smile like that if he won the lottery... because he didn't know what the lottery was... but you get the point.
I looked away from Ron that trapped feeling sinking into my stomach. Harry was watching me with a small smile on his face. He knew.
~
"I am not singing that prissy song, no way," Dean said heatedly shaking his head.
"You don't have to sing it, I do the singing around here, remember? You just have to PLAY it." Ron countered. Dean glared.
"It's not our style," Seamus agreed on Dean's side.
"Since when do we have a style?" Harry piped in.
"What do you think Hermione?" Ron asked loudly over the fighting.
"No fair asking her, the song is practically ABOUT her!" Dean yelled. I sunk backwards into the old couch with a large tear in the seat. Ron's face turned a vibrant shade of red as he stuttered about how it wasn't about anyone in particular.
"Oh right, you mean, 'hair wild as the wind floating across your face' has nothing to do with Hermione?" Dean asked flinging his arms out. Ron jumped up lunging toward Dean, only to be stopped by Harry, as usual.
"How about we try playing it once more, maybe up the tempo a bit or something, add some more bass in, and then decide," Harry suggested. It took a bit of convincing but eventually Dean and Seamus reluctantly picked up their guitars and Harry climbed behind his drum set.
"I can't be your angel now
I've tried to save you but I don't know how
You've fallen away leaving tears in your place
Through the idle air I grasp the image of your face
Your eyes can be condescending and cold
You hurt me so much I want to fold..."
I felt like I was going to be sick. How could someone write a song like that about me? How could I let myself hurt someone that much. I felt the stinging sensation in the corners of my eyes, and new tears were coming as that velvety voice sang on.
"...Lost in your mesmerizing presence
Dreams of hell, wishes of heaven
I love you still even though you're my grave
Love me back so I don't cave-"
"My God that's fruity," Seamus said and Ron stopped turning around making rude hand gestures toward him.
"I'm sorry, but we cannot sing that at our next gig," Dean agreed. Ron glanced back at me, and I avoided his eyes.
"I spent three bloody weeks writing it!" Ron groaned.
"Well stop wasting your time," Dean said. To which Ron scowled.
"I'm going to dinner," Ron said grabbing a hat off the coffee table (The cowboy one) then he turned and held a hand out to me, which I took, avoiding the suspicious looks from the other boys in the room.
~
Ron threw his hands up and sighed as he sat down in one of the chairs, at the café he drove us to. He had been silent the entire drive over.
"I'm sorry," He finally said, with a pained expression on his face. I narrowed my eyes, surprised.
"Why?" I asked he met my eyes.
"That song, I mean, they wouldn't let me finish... You were crying," He said it in a very low quiet voice that I had to lean forward to hear. I looked away trying to concentrate on not starting to cry again.
"Look, I was really mad at you for a while, but at the end of the song-"
"Don't apologize, I probably deserve it," I hissed. His hand found it's way under my chin and he tipped my head up so that I'd be forced to look at him. His eyes were serious, a look in them that I've seen twice, that night we conquered Voldermort and he night after when he told me he thought we should get married.
"You only ran because I drove you away," Were the words that came out of his mouth, although the voice wasn't his. It made me want to cry again.
"That night... Everything just changed, I couldn't even look at you or Harry after what happened," The words came out in a hoarse strained voice. The images came to my mind in a hoarse strained way too I suppose.
~
We had made it past all of them, all of his armies of terrible creatures, the vampires, dementors, werewolves, even dragons. And there he was sitting in the ring with all the miniature hologram like people, whose minds he had taken over, the people he was killing to strengthen himself.
We did the spell, the one that Sirius, Dumbledore, Snape and Lupin had written for us. The one that focused all of our strengths into one (Harry) It should have been so perfect. Ron had the wit and passion mixed with my brains and integrity, mixed with Harry's nobility and strength. Ron and I had hit the ground all our strength, all our strength washed away, like we were in a lethargic state, not knowing whether we were dreaming or not.
They battled, there wands connecting, I can still see his face through Harry's eyes, the face that at first was young, with flashing eyes and a dark hair but then as they battled on it changed to a milky greenish face with slits for a nose and red bulbous eyes that seemed to pierce right through.
Harry was winning. And then it happened. Their wands disconnected, and he cursed me. Cursed my almost lifeless body.
And I saw it. Every person that had ever insulted me, ever yelled at me, or rolled there eyes at me, over and over again, "know-it-all!" "Mudblood!" over again the fierce looks of anger flashing through there eyes. Each one was worse then the other. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, a burning pain was jetting through my body and I new it would all be over soon, and I wanted it to all be over, and then the images stopped.
I could see through Harry's eyes Ron's body lying there on top of my unconscious body, shielding me from the curse.
But I wasn't grateful, I was angry, furious at all of the times he had rolled his eyes at me, insulted me, yelled at me, I had wanted to go and he wouldn't let me.
In the end we both passed out, Ron and I, from spending too much time out of ourselves. I woke up three days later, Harry was still out cold, but Ron was awake, he was sitting by my bedside staring down at me nervously. They had force woken him, because of all the yelling he had done in his sleep.
And now he was there. And I couldn't forget all the pain he had inflicted on me. I was furious. And we were both crying. Happy that good had won, but also a mixed anger, nervousness, rage, circulated the air.
"I realize something now," He had said once we had stopped crying.
"What?" I had sobbed.
"I think we should get married..."
~
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Ahh, finally some background. And angst, angst, angst. But who doesn't like a good angst fic? Oh, and the song Ron wrote, is actually part of a poem my friend wrote, so I don't own that bit, He does.
Please review!
We just sat there staring at each other, for God knows how long. Me getting that guilty feeling again, the one that was so fierce it burned. And I wanted to leave again, but it was different, because I didn't want to leave HIM I wanted to leave the tension between us, I just wanted everything, all the bad between us to seep away and I wanted him and me to just be together, be happy, be friends.
"I shouldn't have told you that," He finally said breaking the eye contact and running a hand through his hair. I didn't know how to reply. I really didn't, I felt so dumb, how did I let this happen?
"Friends are supposed to tell each other that sort of thing, I suppose," I mumbled, which was pretty dumb, considering all the things I hadn't told him or Harry. He squinted at me and sort of grinned a little.
"What do you mean by that?" He asked. That's when I started to feel it I suppose, that great sweeping of stupidity on my part. Why the hell had I said that? WHY?
"I just mean, you can tell me whatever you want," I stammered. He raised an eyebrow.
"What about you? Will you tell me what's going on?" He asked pointedly. I shifted uncomfortably. And I suppose that's when it happened, I mean, I didn't want to tell him, but I didn't want him mad at me and he was staring at me in this way and... And I suppose I'm making a lot of bollocks excuses for what I did. I just grabbed him and kissed him... AGAIN.
It was different then the time before though, it was longer and... I can't think of a good word, rougher I suppose. I could feel him against me begging for more, in a way that I'd never felt before. And it was nice in a way, but too much. I didn't want to fully go under... Not yet.
He growled, low in the back of his throat when I broke away, and cursed lightly under his breath.
"Look, that was great, I mean... I liked it, but you can't just DO that, and then go on as if nothing happened," He panted staring at my ducked head. "I won't touch you until you give me the signal, but once you do... Damn, sometimes I can't stop myself... Not with you."
I didn't know what to say. How did I let this happen? AGAIN? I was mentally screaming at myself when I remembered something Nicole had said, something about how we should be able to have meaningless flings our last summer before college, and then I was looking up at him, in his sweet, and somehow at the same time fiery blue eyes, and I was thinking, maybe a fling could work, maybe. And I just smiled. A tiny smile, just the edges of my lips curving up, and then he smiled back, in that same sweet lopsided way that he always had and we both knew.
He knew that I had said yes, and I knew that I had said yes, and it was ok. Everything was ok. His strong calloused hand reached up and smoothed over my cheek and I could have sworn he whispered: "Thank-you," Ever so lightly, between his teeth.
"And I don't want no red tomato I just want my sweet potato!" Loud male voices chorused as the door swung open. Ron and I leaped apart, in a way that reminded me affectionately of our childhood at Hogwarts.
"That's our new song, it's not finished yet," He explained as Harry, Dean and Seamus crashed through the door to the kitchen.
"Oh, sorry, didn't mean to interrupt," Seamus said, as he stepped into the kitchen, he turned around and made a face to the other two which smirked.
"We just got off work," Harry explained, following Seamus into the kitchen and falling into a chair by the table.
"Oh," Ron replied glancing up at the clock hanging diagonally over the refrigerator. A regular muggle one. For a second I missed the Weasley clock, and then remembered what went along with the Weasley clock and everything else in the wizarding world... "We've been here for nearly two hours," He said amazed. I was too, it hadn't seemed that long, but I suppose with all the time we let go by with awkward silence, plus the drive here...
"So, what were you two... Doing?" Harry asked. I shot him a look, which he returned with an innocent smile.
"Talking," I said starkly. He cocked his head to one side quizzically. And Dean sniggered.
"And we ate," I added looking at my, now cold, plate of French toast, which I had hardly touched. Harry, Dean and Seamus's eyes all flew to the plate hungrily.
"I'm full," I muttered, pushing it forward, where it was devoured by the three boys. Ron caught my eye, looking slightly smug as he muttered something about his "Famous" toast.
"We've got a gig this Saturday night where we're debuting it, at the club, you should come," Ron said slowly.
"Um, sure," I agreed totally forgetting the date with Sinkerbait that I had agreed to for the same night. Ron grinned as if he'd just won the lottery... Of course he would never smile like that if he won the lottery... because he didn't know what the lottery was... but you get the point.
I looked away from Ron that trapped feeling sinking into my stomach. Harry was watching me with a small smile on his face. He knew.
~
"I am not singing that prissy song, no way," Dean said heatedly shaking his head.
"You don't have to sing it, I do the singing around here, remember? You just have to PLAY it." Ron countered. Dean glared.
"It's not our style," Seamus agreed on Dean's side.
"Since when do we have a style?" Harry piped in.
"What do you think Hermione?" Ron asked loudly over the fighting.
"No fair asking her, the song is practically ABOUT her!" Dean yelled. I sunk backwards into the old couch with a large tear in the seat. Ron's face turned a vibrant shade of red as he stuttered about how it wasn't about anyone in particular.
"Oh right, you mean, 'hair wild as the wind floating across your face' has nothing to do with Hermione?" Dean asked flinging his arms out. Ron jumped up lunging toward Dean, only to be stopped by Harry, as usual.
"How about we try playing it once more, maybe up the tempo a bit or something, add some more bass in, and then decide," Harry suggested. It took a bit of convincing but eventually Dean and Seamus reluctantly picked up their guitars and Harry climbed behind his drum set.
"I can't be your angel now
I've tried to save you but I don't know how
You've fallen away leaving tears in your place
Through the idle air I grasp the image of your face
Your eyes can be condescending and cold
You hurt me so much I want to fold..."
I felt like I was going to be sick. How could someone write a song like that about me? How could I let myself hurt someone that much. I felt the stinging sensation in the corners of my eyes, and new tears were coming as that velvety voice sang on.
"...Lost in your mesmerizing presence
Dreams of hell, wishes of heaven
I love you still even though you're my grave
Love me back so I don't cave-"
"My God that's fruity," Seamus said and Ron stopped turning around making rude hand gestures toward him.
"I'm sorry, but we cannot sing that at our next gig," Dean agreed. Ron glanced back at me, and I avoided his eyes.
"I spent three bloody weeks writing it!" Ron groaned.
"Well stop wasting your time," Dean said. To which Ron scowled.
"I'm going to dinner," Ron said grabbing a hat off the coffee table (The cowboy one) then he turned and held a hand out to me, which I took, avoiding the suspicious looks from the other boys in the room.
~
Ron threw his hands up and sighed as he sat down in one of the chairs, at the café he drove us to. He had been silent the entire drive over.
"I'm sorry," He finally said, with a pained expression on his face. I narrowed my eyes, surprised.
"Why?" I asked he met my eyes.
"That song, I mean, they wouldn't let me finish... You were crying," He said it in a very low quiet voice that I had to lean forward to hear. I looked away trying to concentrate on not starting to cry again.
"Look, I was really mad at you for a while, but at the end of the song-"
"Don't apologize, I probably deserve it," I hissed. His hand found it's way under my chin and he tipped my head up so that I'd be forced to look at him. His eyes were serious, a look in them that I've seen twice, that night we conquered Voldermort and he night after when he told me he thought we should get married.
"You only ran because I drove you away," Were the words that came out of his mouth, although the voice wasn't his. It made me want to cry again.
"That night... Everything just changed, I couldn't even look at you or Harry after what happened," The words came out in a hoarse strained voice. The images came to my mind in a hoarse strained way too I suppose.
~
We had made it past all of them, all of his armies of terrible creatures, the vampires, dementors, werewolves, even dragons. And there he was sitting in the ring with all the miniature hologram like people, whose minds he had taken over, the people he was killing to strengthen himself.
We did the spell, the one that Sirius, Dumbledore, Snape and Lupin had written for us. The one that focused all of our strengths into one (Harry) It should have been so perfect. Ron had the wit and passion mixed with my brains and integrity, mixed with Harry's nobility and strength. Ron and I had hit the ground all our strength, all our strength washed away, like we were in a lethargic state, not knowing whether we were dreaming or not.
They battled, there wands connecting, I can still see his face through Harry's eyes, the face that at first was young, with flashing eyes and a dark hair but then as they battled on it changed to a milky greenish face with slits for a nose and red bulbous eyes that seemed to pierce right through.
Harry was winning. And then it happened. Their wands disconnected, and he cursed me. Cursed my almost lifeless body.
And I saw it. Every person that had ever insulted me, ever yelled at me, or rolled there eyes at me, over and over again, "know-it-all!" "Mudblood!" over again the fierce looks of anger flashing through there eyes. Each one was worse then the other. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, a burning pain was jetting through my body and I new it would all be over soon, and I wanted it to all be over, and then the images stopped.
I could see through Harry's eyes Ron's body lying there on top of my unconscious body, shielding me from the curse.
But I wasn't grateful, I was angry, furious at all of the times he had rolled his eyes at me, insulted me, yelled at me, I had wanted to go and he wouldn't let me.
In the end we both passed out, Ron and I, from spending too much time out of ourselves. I woke up three days later, Harry was still out cold, but Ron was awake, he was sitting by my bedside staring down at me nervously. They had force woken him, because of all the yelling he had done in his sleep.
And now he was there. And I couldn't forget all the pain he had inflicted on me. I was furious. And we were both crying. Happy that good had won, but also a mixed anger, nervousness, rage, circulated the air.
"I realize something now," He had said once we had stopped crying.
"What?" I had sobbed.
"I think we should get married..."
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
Ahh, finally some background. And angst, angst, angst. But who doesn't like a good angst fic? Oh, and the song Ron wrote, is actually part of a poem my friend wrote, so I don't own that bit, He does.
Please review!