Author's Note: While the first two books of TF: Lux Eterna are far too long to archive anywhere but on my own site (particularly the first book), this intermission is another matter entirely. ^_^ Please do feel free to try your hand at figuring out who the speakers are. Yes, they are canon characters.
And now, for the usual disclaimers: I don't own any of these characters, since I'm not Hasbro or Takara or any liscensed partner. And yes, this is two male lovers missing each other. Deal. Flaming at this point will just make you look stupid, so don't do it, m'kay? ~_^
I'm so sorry, my love, my darling. I thought I had forever. I thought this would never end. I have been such a fool for you. How could I know? How could I predict this? This pain I feel, burning through me. I'm so sorry.
My love, my life, my spark, my reason for being. What fools we have been. Selfishly I thought I could hold you forever. How wrong, how very wrong I have been. How it pains me, to see my foolishness. So much wasted time. So many things I should have said, should have done. And now there is no more time. Perhaps there never was.
Pain. Such bittersweet pain. An infinite expanse of a thousand meters is all that lies between us. A gulf, a rift deeper than a thousand Chasms. I see you below, fresh pain surging through me. Betrayer. I gave you all of my love and you betrayed me. Betrayed the cause. It would be so easy, so very easy . . . but I can't. Oh Primus, why? You betrayed me, betrayed the cause. Why can't I hate you? Oh my beloved, please forgive me.
Beloved of my spark, so elegant in your new form. Would that this had never come between us. Would that I had stayed on Cybertron. Perhaps then I would be dead now and we would not be facing this pain. This twisting, torturous pain.
I watch you rain death from the skies, watch you attacking my comrades, attacking those we are sworn to protect. The rage boils deep within me, but not at you. No, never at you, my love. I know you too well, know him too well. I know why you stayed even as I left. I fear the hatred you must feel for me, and yet I can feel none of it for you. I love you still, despite the pains you lay upon me. I fire, knowing I will miss, knowing I will always miss. No matter what I try, I cannot bring myself to harm you. I love you.
I see you, my love, trapped, surrounded by your enemies, my comrades. For an instant I feel a twinge of guilt. For a brief moment, love swells and I long to charge to your rescue. And then the enemy, my enemy, your comrades, comes charging to your rescue. Shots exchanged, new wounds in an old battle. You are safe, for the moment, and my spark swells.
Then comes the call to retreat. A piece of me longs to stay. A piece of me longs to steal you away, to leave this muddy backwater world and go somewhere far from the front lines. But these are small pieces, tiny voices against the voice of duty, the voice of honor through conquest. I spin about, slipping into my proper position, following out of duty. I must suppress these longings, before he comes to me with his doubts. I must be strong for him.
I watch you in my rear view, watch as you join your comrades in assessing the damage we have caused. I long to speak to you again. I ache to hold you in my arms. To the pit with this war. And to the pit with your pride.
I steal a moment to watch you leave, noting how your left engine is smoking. I catch myself before I sigh, catch myself wondering who winged you. I catch myself hating this war, hating the choice I was forced to make. I long so much to hold you in my arms. I wish this war had never started, wish it could have left us alone. More than anything I wish he had never come to Minas Tiras, wish you had never heard his words. And I wish to all the powers of the Light that I had never let you get us involved in this stupid, stupid war. To the pit with Megatron's ambition. And to the pit with your need to be in power.
I love you. Whatever else happens, know that I love you.
I miss you. I miss your laugh. I miss your touch. Why couldn't you see the truth? Why couldn't you come with me? I long to be with you again, to hold you in my arms and soothe your hurts. Why, Primus, why?
I hate him. I hate his orders. I can't do this. I can't hurt you, not like this. But if I don't obey . . . oh Primus, please, strike me dead that I might never do this to my beloved.
Pain. I've never felt such pain. I can't move, can't feel anything below my chest. Blackness. All is formless and void.
Primus, why have you forsaken me?
Such agony . . . how can I exist through such pain? So many faults, I can't see for the blurr of scrolling text, too fast to read even if I could process it. Then the text is gone, replaced by Ratchet's frowning face. His mouth moves, but I hear no words. There is no sound, no sensation save vision. And then it all returns, wrapped in a haze of pain. Sound, touch, smell, magnetism, every sense dulled with the throbbing of error messages. I hear him speaking to someone else. They know who fired, they know who's bomb destroyed half my structure. I can't believe what I'm hearing. I can't accept what he says. I feel dead inside. How could you do this to me? How could you hate me so much? No accident that you hit me, I know. I know you too well. But I never would have expected this. Truly, do you hate me so very much?
I am told you still function. Thank Primus. He is angry, of course; he expected me to kill you. He thinks I should be glad to kill you, honored to be the one to execute a traitor. He took me aside, demanded in private to know why I wasn't honored. How could I tell him that I could never hate you? So I lied. I lied to him, my love. I have never done that before, never before claimed I wanted you dead. I felt a piece of my spark die with those words.
I lied to him, beloved. I like to think you would be proud of me. I don't know if he believed me, but he let it go. I wish I could believe he would never ask me to fire on you again, but I can't. Why did you have to leave, my love? Would it have been so very terrible, here with me?
Confined to Medical, left with nothing to do but think. Left to analyze what you have done to me. I do not know what scares me more: that in those first moments I came close to hating you, or that I think I understand why you did it. I have no wish to die, nor desire to kill you. I like to think you feel the same. But if you must die, how much worse it would be to watch you killed at the hands of a friend. No, if I must choose between my hands and those of my friends, I would rather the killing blow came from me. I would pray that in that last moment, you would know how much I loved you. I don't like to think about these things, but the war . . . the war is drawing us both in deeper, pulling us further and further apart.
To the deepest pits with my foolish pride. I should have made you mine when you first offered. Why? Why didn't we bond? Of all my regrets, that is the sharpest, the burden hardest to bear. At least then some small part of you would still be with me, just as a piece of me would be with you. Mine forever. Why didn't I accept? I had my reasons, I know I did, but I cannot now recall a single one. I was a fool.
Sunlight filters through the water, shimmering brilliant as it begins it's daily accent into the heavens. I have the day off; I don't know why. I don't much care either. A chance to find my balance again, a chance to spend time with friends, joke around, get you out of my mind.
Or it's supposed to be. But I can't seem to walk out the door. I don't want you out of my mind, for once. In fact, right now I want nothing more than to feel your presence. Why didn't you bond with me, beloved? Why did you turn away that chance for us to be together forever? I know you had reasons, I know they were logical, sensible. Cold comfort when I can't even recall what they were.
Scrap, someone's at the door. Can't be caught sulking, people will talk. Put on the cheery face, play to the crowd. It's what they expect, what they want. It used to be so easy. Why can't it be easy again? Why should this skirmish be any different? Why couldn't you accept my love and bond with me?
Happy face I show the world, hiding the pain behind the clowning mask. The mask is old, comfortable, reliable, easily slipped in place. But every once in awhile, I get an odd look, like it's starting to slip. Like it's starting to wear thin from too many years of tired service. But it's still working today.
My love, my darling, the black knight of my memory, how I wish I could have brought you out of the darkness with me. Lord of my lonely nights, how I miss your kiss. Sing to me, Darkness, spirit away my loneliness. Know that my soul yearns only for you, forever and always.
I miss you, my love. I miss your touch, your kiss, the small smile you shared only with me. My prince of the far reaches, how I wish I could have convinced you to stay. It should not be this way, my love. Oh Keeper of my soul, I will dream of you all the days of my life, and evermore long for your caress.