Because I Love Him
You have to understand one thing. First and foremost, I really don't hate her. I never have. Honestly, I don't go to sleep at night thinking of possible means of her demise. I don't secretly long for her suffering. I don't hate her. To do that, would mean I would have to hate myself. And that sounds like a rather silly thing to do, now doesn't it?
Granted I feel a great many things for her, but hatred is not one of them.
Jealousy.
Yes, I am jealous of her. After all, she has the one thing that I want most. And she is the one thing standing between me getting that. I am jealous of her, that doesn't mean I hate her.
And about that jealousy. What could she have that I want so much?
A certain hanyou that by all the powers of logic I should have never met.
Inuyasha.
Of course, by all the powers of logic, she should be long gone.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not at all like they make me out to be. I'm not hopelessly depressed because I know Inuyasha would never love me. Quite the contrary, I know he loves me. I'm not blind. I'm not stupid. The jerk loves her, his beloved dead miko, but who ever said that meant he couldn't love me too? I know he loves me.
And I most certainly love him. I think we both already knew that though, right? Of course we did, I am, after all, the one who wears their emotions on their sleeve. Everyone knows I love him. Even him. But no one ever said that would make everything easy.
Because, no matter how much we may love each other, their is always her. Remember, I don't hate her. By all rights, she is his. She saw him first, she loved him first. He is hers. And he loves her, god knows he loves her. And he will go to hell with her. I know that. Sure, this might be brought on more by guilt that he lived and she didn't than it is by love. Maybe he doesn't even love her anymore, not like he used to. But that doesn't matter. Because, despite what the cause may be, it will still have the same effect.
He will go to hell with her.
And that leaves me alone, with nothing, only with memories that will eventually fade and an unfulfilled life.
And there is nothing I can do about it.
I know what you're thinking, Kagome Higurashi, give up? Me, whose own determination and stubborn nature rivals that of Inuyasha, me, give up? Stranger things have happened. Besides, even I am only human. You can only fight for a lost cause for so long before bitter reality rears it's ugly head. Listen, eventually everyone gives up, and I am certainly no exception.
So I'll be the little shard detector, and I'll be his temporary companion. And I'll smile, and I'll laugh, and be my jolly little self. Because it doesn't really matter what I do. He's going to go to hell with her. And while he's here, I might as well enjoy it while it lasts.
I hope you understand that, because you must in order to understand what I'm about to say. When this is over, Naraku is dead, and the Shikon No Tama is complete, I'll give her the rest of my soul.
Simply because, I love Inuyasha, and I want him to be happy.
If he goes to hell with her, I damn well want him to be with someone capable of feeling more emotion than just hatred. So I'll give her my soul, and that should fix that. She will be the Kikyou he knew…
Will that Kikyou have any regrets?…
Also, you don't have to tell me how completely idiotic this is, I know this is stupid. I'm 15 years old. I have a wonderful family, plenty of friends, even the most popular boy at school has his eye on me. Then there is Miroku, Sango, Shippo, and even Kirara. I'll be abandoning them all.
I know they love me. I know they will miss me. I know leaving will hurt them more than I can bare to think of. And I know that Shippo will grow to resent me, hate me for abandoning him just like his parents before, when I promised I would be there for him. I know this is stupid, to give up my life just so someone I love can go to hell. Just saying that aloud sounds utterly moronic.
Maybe I won't die completely, won't just disappear, maybe my soul can blend with Kikyou's and we can become one person. Then maybe I can be with Inuyasha through Kikyou.
Maybe that will happen, maybe it won't, it doesn't much matter, I'm still not changing my mind.
I know it won't be long now, I can sense that our quest is almost over. In fact, this might be one of the last days we're all together. Oh well, I'm not backing out.
Kikyou did deserve to be with Inuyasha, she deserves her chance...But didn't she already have one? What about my chance? No... I wont back out, it doesn't matter if this is right or wrong, all that matters is that Inuyasha can't be happy as long as he is guilty.
Jumping through the well and landing at the bottom, I can already hear him calling for me, lecturing me for being late. Better put on that happy smile, better pretend everything's ok, maybe I'll throw in a couple sits just to make sure everything seems normal.
I'll do this because I love him.
******A/N*****
Not a big Inu/Kikyou fan here.. In case you couldn't tell. And I'm not too happy with this work… My other's are much better.. And it's not just the pairing either.. *sighs* Oh well.. As long as you're reading this, why don't you check out some of my other works? They're much better.
-Heather-