Sorry it's taking me so long to update every time. I've had loads of
schoolwork recently, and it's been so hard to find the time to write.
Anyway, please, please review!!! It will (hopefully) make me write faster
if I know people are actually interested. Also, I don't know if many
people are actually reading this and if it's worth carrying on with it.
Sydney sighed exasperatedly and pushed her hair out of her eyes for the millionth time that hour. She tapped her fingers restlessly on the desk and stared blankly at nothing and everything at the same time. She felt a warm hand on her shoulder and looked up at her husband's smiling face. She smiled back, genuinely pleased to see him, although her pleasure at his presence was lessened by her own frustration. She sighed again and, immediately concerned, Vaughn asked her what she was upset about. Sydney smiled; his concern and love for her was evident in his eyes and she was always amazed at how sweet he was, how he always worried for her.
"I'm not getting anywhere! This is just pointless and a waste of my time, - the CIA's time. I need to be out on a mission. . . or something. Anything that doesn't involve this desk would be great." She sighed again and picked up the list of people the CIA thought would have information about Lloyd.
"And you will be. As soon as there's something that requires a mission, you'll be on it. I promise."
"Well, it'd better happen soon 'cause I'm hopeless at this." There was a slight pause, and then Sydney added something she never imagined herself saying. "We need Marshall."
* * * * * *
It had been like this for the past week. Sydney had agreed to work for the CIA and they had had her sitting in front of a computer screen the whole time. She was intelligent and could use a computer for everyday functions such as emailing friends and hacking into organizations like SD-6's systems to alter data and subsequently bring destruction to the company (she almost laughed out loud at the thought of this as an everyday function) but this was different. She had been given a list of people and had been told to find out about them. She hadn't known where to start! As much as she had hated working for SD-6, at least it had never been boring. It sounded childish, but at that moment in time she would have preferred to be in an exotic location risking her life (because, let's face it, who wouldn't?) than stuck at this desk, hour after hour, day after day. What she wanted was to be doing something active, to be on a mission. But there was nowhere to go and nothing to retrieve, no one to interrogate and nothing to ask. Tired, and now with a headache from staring at the computer screen, Sydney began to think of the events which persuaded her to rejoin the CIA. . .
~*~ Flashback ~*~
"Syd, are you sure you wanna go through with this?" She heard Vaughn's voice, but he sounded far away from her and his words didn't register in her mind. "Syd?" She knew, rather than heard, that he sounded worried. "I'm fine," she replied automatically. She knew her voice was weak and unconvincing. She turned her head towards him and looked him in the eyes. "I'm fine," she repeated, this time more firmly, as if she believed it.
They stopped in front of the bars, which lifted up to allow them to progress. With every step, Sydney was becoming more and more unsure of her feelings. What had possessed her to do this? It was insane. No, she told herself, it's something I need to do. With this thought in mind, she turned once more to Vaughn and smiled bravely. No words were necessary, he understood her completely. He placed his hand on her shoulder and smiled back. He let his hand brush down her arm as he turned around with a last comforting smile and then walked away, back to work. He did not look around; he knew that Sydney would be watching him, still unsure of her own strength, and willing him to come back. But he also knew that this was something she needed to do by herself, something that she would question herself about afterwards if he had been there. The decision had to be hers, and hers alone.
Hands shaking slightly, Sydney forced herself to keep walking. She came to the second set of bars and waited while they lifted up, clanking and slow. Each clank sounded heavier than the one before, and there was a certain real-ness about the sound, which awoke Sydney to the fact that she was not dreaming. Until then, everything had had a dream-like quality. Sounds had been distant, colours had been fuzzy and had blended the world into a dull black-and-white reality. She continued walking, a new determination firmly set in her mind. She passed a cell, with a glass wall at the front. She glanced in and almost stopped dead when she saw its inhabitant. Arvin Sloane. Something deep inside her told her she must not look at him, she must not appear affected. She walked on, trying to keep her pace the same, but her heart was beating fast and her mind was racing. She had not seen him since that sunny day, when he had been dragged out of his office and had given Sydney an appalled look as he passed her. The corridor seemed longer than she remembered it, and she did not seem to be getting any nearer the end of it. She could feel Sloane's stare penetrating her back and it sent chills down her spine. What was he thinking? She longed to look at him, as if somehow that would help her to read his mind. If she worked for the CIA would she have to talk to him? Would she have to interrogate him? Did he still think of her as a daughter? She shuddered inwardly at the memory of all the times he had shown affection for her. No, of course he didn't. She had ruined him; he wouldn't hesitate to kill her if he had the chance. Her mind buzzed with questions and thoughts. It was overwhelming.
Seconds later she felt sick. She stopped in front of the cell holding Irina Derevko. A wave of emotion flooded over her as her mother turned around. Memories, hatred, sympathy. Her feelings regarding Irina were still so confused. She thought of her childhood, Michael's childhood, the people Irina had killed and she felt hatred. But then she thought of the way Irina had helped her and the way in which Jack had talked of her as if she was hardly human, and she felt nothing but sympathy for the woman who was, when all was said and done, her mother. She felt guilty that she could feel anything but contempt for Irina but she knew she couldn't help it. Each emotion was so strong, and in that first minute of being in her mother's presence, hate and love, and guilt and sympathy fought for control of her. It was too intense, her mind and heart were drowning in emotions and Sydney sank to the floor in tears. Without knowing it, she pressed her hand against the glass and Irina, who in that moment, felt nothing but love for her little girl, knelt down on the other side of the glass partition and tapped the glass gently with a finger.
"Why are you here?" she asked softly.
"I don't know," Sydney managed between the sobs which racked her body.
"Don't cry. Shhhh, it's okay. The answer will come to you when the time is right." Sydney looked up, her surprise evident on her face and halting her sobs.
"How did you know?" she whispered.
"Sydney, I am your mother. I know you, whether you like it or not."
Sydney opened her mouth to protest, to scream "No! You don't know me at all! You don't. . . you don't" but she didn't have the energy.
"I know you have come looking for answers, because you have never, and will never, come to see me for any other reason." There it was again. Guilt. "No, Sydney, don't feel guilty. She handed herself over to CIA remember? This was her choice and she deserves to be locked up," Sydney thought quickly to keep herself from collapsing again.
"Mom. . . I'm a teacher." She didn't know why she said it, but for some reason, she wanted Irina to know that she had done something good with her life. She had achieved something she wanted. So why was she considering giving it up?
She knew the moment she passed Sloane's cell on her way out. Irina had merely smiled and nodded at Sydney's announcement and then had moved to the back of the cell and began meditating. Sydney took that as her cue to leave and got up shakily. As she passed Sloane's cell, she felt the questions rushing at her again. She quickened her pace, no longer caring what he thought, just desperate to get outside, away from the darkness. Wrong move.
"Sydney," he called out. She clenched her fists and turned around.
"Sloane," she said, managing to keep her voice level and devoid of any emotion.
"I see you're still working for the CIA," he said. There was a hint of venom in his voice that Sydney had never heard before. She was not surprised at it.
"Actually, I. . ." Sloane cut her off before she could finish the sentence.
"I'm surprised they haven't sent you to interrogate me yet," he observed casually, as if commenting on a football game.
"You wouldn't have told me anything." She stated.
"Well, that is true. Sydney, I was so surprised at you. I thought I could trust you more than anyone, except perhaps your father. He was another shock. But you, Sydney, you always seemed to love your work at SD-6, and you were so good at it." He smiled at her and Sydney wanted to run. There was something in that smile, something evil and sinister. She had seen it many times before and had grown to hate it and fear it. Accompanied by the words he had just spoken to her, it was extremely disturbing. Sydney could not for a moment believe that Sloane really felt this relaxed about SD-6 and her involvement in its destruction. His last statement that Sydney had enjoyed working for him produced the desired effect, both for Sloane and for the CIA. Sloane succeeded in provoking a terror and rage so great that Sydney told him exactly what she thought of him (to see that he still had power over her, despite being behind a glass wall was enough to satisfy him for the moment) and the CIA were pleased when immediately afterwards, Sydney turned around and marched off to tell Kendall that she agreed to work for them again.
~*~ End flashback ~*~
She could still remember the exact look on Sloane's face that day and it still made her angry. She had since realised that he had only wanted to upset her and for a while she had been furious with herself for having played right into his hands. But Vaughn had been quick to reassure her that Sloane had unwittingly convinced her to re-join the CIA, and put a stop to anything he might be involved in or even distantly related to. After three years, it was once again Sydney's burning ambition to destroy the life of the man who had destroyed hers.
TBC. . .
A/N: I got a bit carried away with the flashback, didn't I?! I hope it's not boring or anything, it's just I was having so much fun writing it, I didn't notice how long it had gotten.
Sydney sighed exasperatedly and pushed her hair out of her eyes for the millionth time that hour. She tapped her fingers restlessly on the desk and stared blankly at nothing and everything at the same time. She felt a warm hand on her shoulder and looked up at her husband's smiling face. She smiled back, genuinely pleased to see him, although her pleasure at his presence was lessened by her own frustration. She sighed again and, immediately concerned, Vaughn asked her what she was upset about. Sydney smiled; his concern and love for her was evident in his eyes and she was always amazed at how sweet he was, how he always worried for her.
"I'm not getting anywhere! This is just pointless and a waste of my time, - the CIA's time. I need to be out on a mission. . . or something. Anything that doesn't involve this desk would be great." She sighed again and picked up the list of people the CIA thought would have information about Lloyd.
"And you will be. As soon as there's something that requires a mission, you'll be on it. I promise."
"Well, it'd better happen soon 'cause I'm hopeless at this." There was a slight pause, and then Sydney added something she never imagined herself saying. "We need Marshall."
* * * * * *
It had been like this for the past week. Sydney had agreed to work for the CIA and they had had her sitting in front of a computer screen the whole time. She was intelligent and could use a computer for everyday functions such as emailing friends and hacking into organizations like SD-6's systems to alter data and subsequently bring destruction to the company (she almost laughed out loud at the thought of this as an everyday function) but this was different. She had been given a list of people and had been told to find out about them. She hadn't known where to start! As much as she had hated working for SD-6, at least it had never been boring. It sounded childish, but at that moment in time she would have preferred to be in an exotic location risking her life (because, let's face it, who wouldn't?) than stuck at this desk, hour after hour, day after day. What she wanted was to be doing something active, to be on a mission. But there was nowhere to go and nothing to retrieve, no one to interrogate and nothing to ask. Tired, and now with a headache from staring at the computer screen, Sydney began to think of the events which persuaded her to rejoin the CIA. . .
~*~ Flashback ~*~
"Syd, are you sure you wanna go through with this?" She heard Vaughn's voice, but he sounded far away from her and his words didn't register in her mind. "Syd?" She knew, rather than heard, that he sounded worried. "I'm fine," she replied automatically. She knew her voice was weak and unconvincing. She turned her head towards him and looked him in the eyes. "I'm fine," she repeated, this time more firmly, as if she believed it.
They stopped in front of the bars, which lifted up to allow them to progress. With every step, Sydney was becoming more and more unsure of her feelings. What had possessed her to do this? It was insane. No, she told herself, it's something I need to do. With this thought in mind, she turned once more to Vaughn and smiled bravely. No words were necessary, he understood her completely. He placed his hand on her shoulder and smiled back. He let his hand brush down her arm as he turned around with a last comforting smile and then walked away, back to work. He did not look around; he knew that Sydney would be watching him, still unsure of her own strength, and willing him to come back. But he also knew that this was something she needed to do by herself, something that she would question herself about afterwards if he had been there. The decision had to be hers, and hers alone.
Hands shaking slightly, Sydney forced herself to keep walking. She came to the second set of bars and waited while they lifted up, clanking and slow. Each clank sounded heavier than the one before, and there was a certain real-ness about the sound, which awoke Sydney to the fact that she was not dreaming. Until then, everything had had a dream-like quality. Sounds had been distant, colours had been fuzzy and had blended the world into a dull black-and-white reality. She continued walking, a new determination firmly set in her mind. She passed a cell, with a glass wall at the front. She glanced in and almost stopped dead when she saw its inhabitant. Arvin Sloane. Something deep inside her told her she must not look at him, she must not appear affected. She walked on, trying to keep her pace the same, but her heart was beating fast and her mind was racing. She had not seen him since that sunny day, when he had been dragged out of his office and had given Sydney an appalled look as he passed her. The corridor seemed longer than she remembered it, and she did not seem to be getting any nearer the end of it. She could feel Sloane's stare penetrating her back and it sent chills down her spine. What was he thinking? She longed to look at him, as if somehow that would help her to read his mind. If she worked for the CIA would she have to talk to him? Would she have to interrogate him? Did he still think of her as a daughter? She shuddered inwardly at the memory of all the times he had shown affection for her. No, of course he didn't. She had ruined him; he wouldn't hesitate to kill her if he had the chance. Her mind buzzed with questions and thoughts. It was overwhelming.
Seconds later she felt sick. She stopped in front of the cell holding Irina Derevko. A wave of emotion flooded over her as her mother turned around. Memories, hatred, sympathy. Her feelings regarding Irina were still so confused. She thought of her childhood, Michael's childhood, the people Irina had killed and she felt hatred. But then she thought of the way Irina had helped her and the way in which Jack had talked of her as if she was hardly human, and she felt nothing but sympathy for the woman who was, when all was said and done, her mother. She felt guilty that she could feel anything but contempt for Irina but she knew she couldn't help it. Each emotion was so strong, and in that first minute of being in her mother's presence, hate and love, and guilt and sympathy fought for control of her. It was too intense, her mind and heart were drowning in emotions and Sydney sank to the floor in tears. Without knowing it, she pressed her hand against the glass and Irina, who in that moment, felt nothing but love for her little girl, knelt down on the other side of the glass partition and tapped the glass gently with a finger.
"Why are you here?" she asked softly.
"I don't know," Sydney managed between the sobs which racked her body.
"Don't cry. Shhhh, it's okay. The answer will come to you when the time is right." Sydney looked up, her surprise evident on her face and halting her sobs.
"How did you know?" she whispered.
"Sydney, I am your mother. I know you, whether you like it or not."
Sydney opened her mouth to protest, to scream "No! You don't know me at all! You don't. . . you don't" but she didn't have the energy.
"I know you have come looking for answers, because you have never, and will never, come to see me for any other reason." There it was again. Guilt. "No, Sydney, don't feel guilty. She handed herself over to CIA remember? This was her choice and she deserves to be locked up," Sydney thought quickly to keep herself from collapsing again.
"Mom. . . I'm a teacher." She didn't know why she said it, but for some reason, she wanted Irina to know that she had done something good with her life. She had achieved something she wanted. So why was she considering giving it up?
She knew the moment she passed Sloane's cell on her way out. Irina had merely smiled and nodded at Sydney's announcement and then had moved to the back of the cell and began meditating. Sydney took that as her cue to leave and got up shakily. As she passed Sloane's cell, she felt the questions rushing at her again. She quickened her pace, no longer caring what he thought, just desperate to get outside, away from the darkness. Wrong move.
"Sydney," he called out. She clenched her fists and turned around.
"Sloane," she said, managing to keep her voice level and devoid of any emotion.
"I see you're still working for the CIA," he said. There was a hint of venom in his voice that Sydney had never heard before. She was not surprised at it.
"Actually, I. . ." Sloane cut her off before she could finish the sentence.
"I'm surprised they haven't sent you to interrogate me yet," he observed casually, as if commenting on a football game.
"You wouldn't have told me anything." She stated.
"Well, that is true. Sydney, I was so surprised at you. I thought I could trust you more than anyone, except perhaps your father. He was another shock. But you, Sydney, you always seemed to love your work at SD-6, and you were so good at it." He smiled at her and Sydney wanted to run. There was something in that smile, something evil and sinister. She had seen it many times before and had grown to hate it and fear it. Accompanied by the words he had just spoken to her, it was extremely disturbing. Sydney could not for a moment believe that Sloane really felt this relaxed about SD-6 and her involvement in its destruction. His last statement that Sydney had enjoyed working for him produced the desired effect, both for Sloane and for the CIA. Sloane succeeded in provoking a terror and rage so great that Sydney told him exactly what she thought of him (to see that he still had power over her, despite being behind a glass wall was enough to satisfy him for the moment) and the CIA were pleased when immediately afterwards, Sydney turned around and marched off to tell Kendall that she agreed to work for them again.
~*~ End flashback ~*~
She could still remember the exact look on Sloane's face that day and it still made her angry. She had since realised that he had only wanted to upset her and for a while she had been furious with herself for having played right into his hands. But Vaughn had been quick to reassure her that Sloane had unwittingly convinced her to re-join the CIA, and put a stop to anything he might be involved in or even distantly related to. After three years, it was once again Sydney's burning ambition to destroy the life of the man who had destroyed hers.
TBC. . .
A/N: I got a bit carried away with the flashback, didn't I?! I hope it's not boring or anything, it's just I was having so much fun writing it, I didn't notice how long it had gotten.