THE SECRET DIARY OF FRODO BAGGINS

BY Belladonna Dwale

Dedicated to Ju-Ju because of her support and because she walks with me to get snacks before The Anime Club.

Also, I got some of the ideas from the time my friends and I were at a party and we muted volume on the movie and put in our own words... v. entertaining. didn't get v. far though...  All I can say now is... POOR FRODO!

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DAY ONE: Went with Sam out to lunch. v. weird. He insisted we talk about relationships... kept holding and rubbing my hand. had funny look on his face and kept blushing.

DAY THREE: Uncle Bilbo acting v. weird. keeps locking himself in bathroom looking at old, dirty pictures of Becky. not smoking nearly enough pot and has loss of usually large hobbit appetite. at dinner B. stopped eating after 3rd helping instead of usual 8th. keeps looking in pockets a lot. v. dodgy if you ask me.

DAY SIX: Gandalf finally came for the party Uncle B. plans on having for our birthdays. obviously will focus exclusively on his. fascist attention hogging bastard. was wrestling in field with Sam when G. came. probably if a movie is made will be shown sitting alone as wrestling with close male friend in field implies – things.

DAY SEVEN: At party Uncle B. disappeared. left me with v. ugly, gold ring and all his other possessions. am v. jealous that Lobelia got silver spoons. wanted to sell ring at pawn shop but G. wouldn't let me. made me promise to hide it. seems to think ring is v. evil. am certain G.'s been doing drugs aside from pot... maybe ergot (or Claviceps purpurea) in the bread.

DAY NINE TO EIGHTEEN: went to bar – got drunk and high.

DAY NINETEEN: G. returned. told me ugly ring is in fact v. evil. not surprising because is so v. ugly. belongs to big ugly eyeball. says I must leave and take ring to Rivendell where elves will do something to it. got bored and stopped paying attention. G. found Sam under table where he'd been "hiding" and made him go or would turn him into incurable horny toad. Sam – unsure of connotation of phrase – agreed to go. Good to have loyal friends. G. went off was in big hurry promised to meet in Bree's prancing pony. S. and I went off too. are using dow rods as walking sticks as we are foolish hobbits who don't know ways of world.

DAY TWENTY-ONE: stalked wood elves with Sam until they told us to take off. am v. upset because elves v. hot. Sam said relationship would be impossible as elves are too tall and to stick with hobbits. v. sad that elves are going. Bye bye elves. :'(

DAY TWENTY-THREE: Merry and Pippin tagging along. Ran into us in Farmer Maggot's fields. Who would buy or filch (like M. & P.) from a Farmer named Maggot? Don't know. used to filch mushrooms from him when little. v. nasty... filled with maggots. was v. stupid as kid. am still not brightest crayon in box come to think of it - a few tacos short of fiesta platter. Oh, creepy guy in black on black horse almost caught us. have decided to go through creepy forest and barrow downs or whatever they're called. am too distracted by M.'s antics to remember. Or is it Pippin?

DAY THIRTY: Sorry I haven't written. Got lost in barrow downs and had to be saved by creepy hobbit-like creature called Tom Bombadil. v. disturbing. Lives with pretty elf wench. Had weird dream about Gandalf and Jell-O mix. Finally have arrived in Bree. Prancing Pony is actually strip joint in which patrons get on tables and do lap dances for each other because owner – Butterbur – too cheep to get professionals. Was forced to get on table and do song and dance number. Slipped and ugly "evil" ring fell on finger. Disapeared, maybe Gandalf right about Ring being powerful... Strider – dirty human - took me and friends to back room and made us share bed with him. Could have sworn someone kept rubbing my arse all night long. Have been told by Merry (or Pippin?) it was just my imagination.

DAY FORTY: Sorry haven't written in so long. Was v. wet and then hurt. Strider took us out of Bree, gave us better walking sticks – pink ones with purple feathers and ribbons on ends. Think it is v. odd but agreed to use anyway as we are foolish hobbits who don't know ways of world. lead us around swamp. I got stabbed in shoulder by one of the creepy guys in black. Strider killed them. went marching around woods, meadows, and mountains until v. hot elf came. put me on his horsey and horsey rode off... passed out and woke up in Rivendall later (in house of Elrond – big bitchy elf). Had huge headache, hangover, and a tattoo on my... erm... and Gandalf sleeping next to me. talk about coyote ugly. In meantime, have agreed to go on another quest thing to destroy ugly ring. Why couldn't Uncle B. have done it in first place? Don't know. Am going with Sam, Merry and Pippin (one of the two doesn't know where the fudge we're going), G., Strider (who keeps asking me to say his real name – Aragorn – v. weird), whiney elf-brat Legolas, oversized badger- I mean dwarf – and creepier human – Boromir (who's a total BORE). Elrond called us "the Fellowship." Stupid name if you ask me. Why not "Frodo's Fan-club?"

DAY FORTY-FIVE: went up mountains. v. cold. Galdalf was being attacked by v. evil wizard, Saruman. Also, other hobbits and I were turning blue and almost passed out. Creepy human in group – Boromir – got enough sense for once and said we better go through Moria. G. v. nervous. Dwarf is promising loads of food.

DAY FORTY-SEVEN: in moria. have found badger's/dwarf's relation there is dead. and has been dead for quite long – only bones left. would imagine that badger/dwarf would have noticed by then. badger must not as smart as hobbits. Merry (or Pippin?) dropped big ugly skull in well. learned new word from Legolas though... "shambles: n. place of mass destruction, bloodshed, or chaos" L. called Moria that and didn't know it am a foolish hobbit who doesn't know ways of world.

DAY FORTY-NINE: finally out of Moria. Gandalf dead. all v. sad. Especially Aragorn, though A. tried not to show it. didn't know A. and G. were so close. Although in Council of Elrond G. said something about "opening his heart to A., son of Arathorn." Oo am unsure of connotation. hope it is good. A. made us leave v. quickly. Other hobbits upset about not being able to do some unknown traditional hobbit morning for death involving Jell-O mix (among other things) and wrestling in it. have promised them to morn later – in Shire. Off to Lothlorien to see elves. why go to see them when we have a good one here? don't know. oh well, am a foolish hobbit who doesn't know ways of world.

DAY FIFTY-THREE: ran into some bitchy, weird elf guy on way to Lothlorien. Think Gimli – Dwarf - said bad stuff in elvish. Think elf said something like "Yeah, that's not what your mom said to me last night." Not sure, Uncle B. taught me some elvish, but maybe am not remembering quite right. Bitchy, weird elf guy agreed to take Fellowship to Galadriel.

DAY FIFTY-FIVE: woah, Galadriel, elf queen or something, uber hot. Dear Samwise reminded me hot elves definitely out of league and stick with slightly younger hobbits (although why he muttered "lads" under breath, I don't get). Galadriel showed me magical reflecting basin and pitchier. Galadriel almost gave me bath, but then got all freaky on me. mental note: avoid eating lembas too close to bedtime.

DAY FIFTY-SIX: have left Lothlorien with others. been given canoes and told to paddle. Merry or Pippin have been bothersome lately and have been trying not to hit him. Acting rather daft. The two keep eating lots of lembas. Am trying to avoid them at bedtime cuz of what happened in Lothlorien. Aragorn and Boromir acting funny. Whiney elf too, keeps trying to do my nails and braid hair. Gimli is trying to get me to play with ax. Wish G. and staff were here; he'd know what to do.

DAY SIXTY: Boromir died – killed by orcs. Hated him anyways. Stupid shield. Tried to get Ring from me. Sam thinks maybe more than that. Oo am glad that I have left now. have decided to go off on own. Alone. with Sam. Need dear, sweet Samwise near as am a co-dependent, independent hobbit. Made no sense. Also, need someone to cook and clean up after me and make sure I don't accidentally leave behind Old Tobe tin or pipe.