Secret Diary of Legolas Greenleaf
By Evil Belladonna Dwale
Dedicated to Etcetera and Star Burst, my dear "sisters".
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DAY ONE: went to Rivendell. Saw Aragorn. So not fair. Aragorn didn't pay attention to me! and after that great night we spent together in Far Downs picking flowers and playing house! Aragorn spent all time with Arwen the Wench – er... Aragorn also was with v. cute, sick, pouty hobbit with the v. ugly Ring of Power. have become jealous considered castration (for Aragorn) but then I would be v. bored. He'll come around eventually. If not will tell my Daddy. ï
DAY FOUR: have agreed to go on v. stupid quest with 3 Aragorn 3, ugly human Boromir, 4 hobbits (1 is v. cute, pouty Ringbearer who is well ï), and ugly oversized badger – er – who's father my Daddy locked up, and v. ugly, dirty wizard – Gandalf. Elrond named us the Fellowship. V. obvious that Ringbearer upset by name. Probably wants to rename it "Frodo's Fanclub" or likes. Would (for most part) be true as everyone (except me and badger) are way into little Ringbearer... too much for his own good. A shadow and a threat is growing in mind telling me that Ring Bearer will be all shagged out after trip. cough, cough. On trip am certain to face doom and possible death. don't want to die, am far too young (about 2,000 well almost 3,000 years old), too cute and still virgin (which Glorfindel had to cruelly bring up before I left). ï
DAY SEVEN: got through mountains. Aragorn pulled Sam (stupid, fat hobbit) into bush for a nice shag. A. thought I was sleeping. Couldn't tell I was awake because have learned nifty trick of sleeping with eyes opened. think it scares hobbits a little, definitely scares badger/dwarf. Am having a v. good time despite dirt under nails and in hair and in shirt and... well, everywhere. BUT dirt doesn't stick to elf skin like it does to mortals. ï HUBBA! HUBBA! WHOOT! WHOOT!
DAY TEN: v. dark in Moria. horse that was with us was sent back. Stupid, fat hobbit (SFH) kept crying for horse and I am considering "accidentally" shooting him with an arrow. almost worked up sweat killing off creepy octopus/squid thing in water. Now is v. hard to see. Cute little hobbit almost fell into bottomless pit. Then threw down a rock which made loud sound. Gandalf got v. angry and yelled at hobbit. Not sure if it was Merry or Pippin... don't think anyone can tell two apart, wouldn't be surprised if 2 got confused at times of own identities. SFH – Ringbearer's servant/slave thingy – is v. clingy. Aragorn way into hobbit, same with Boromir.
DAY TWENTY: finally out of Moria. SFH kept crying for horse whole time in the mines. Hobbits had big cuddle fest on rocks. was watching them (and smiling) until Aragorn insisted we go. suspect he was enjoying the cuddle fest as well. Aragorn way into little Ringbearer. Too much for his own good. Ring bearer obviously not into Aragorn. Ary should give up on R.B. and look for sweet sweet lovin' else where (i.e. me). That's all for today. Oh, yeah, Gandalf died.
DAY TWENTY-FIVE: Fellowship met bitchy elf dude on way and ended up in Lothlorien. After first night ran off and tried on all of Galadriel's dresses. found many wet socks (hobbit, elf, human, dwarf – even smelly orc ones – also some were mine) in back of Galadrial's closet. Now know where socks go when they disappear in laundry. have been running amuck with Galardrians and Gimli. have become rather fond of dwarf, who is v. skilled and talented. ;)
DAY TWENTY-SEVEN: finally leaving Lothlorien. ï good bye sane elves. don't know where Fellowship is going but it involves boats and water. Sun keeps reflecting off water and giving me slight sunburn on cheeks. ï am too young to get skin cancer and die! Although, for moment sunburn gives a flushed look and is v. sexy. ï
DAY THIRTY-ONE: Aw, Ringbearer and SFH left. was sad to see Ringbearer go. although, is good since was beginning to get slight crush on him. shudders good to see him go before I turn out like Boromir – dead (killed by orcs for his pervy obsession). Orcs stole two little hobbits – Merry and Pippen. Ary, Gimli and I are off to save hobbits. a v. daring and dangerous mission! WHEEEEEEEE!