YOU MUST READ THESE DISCLAIMERS FIRST
Title: Jack B. Badd Part Six: Taking My Time But I Don't Know Where
Author: Daryn
Fandom: Pitch Black
Pairing: Jack/Riddick (eventually)
Rating: PG-13 for a few curse words
Email: dmunster@hotmail.com
Series/Sequel: This is part six in the saga of Jack
Web Page: http://ddraven.tripod.com/pitchblack/
Disclaimer: I don't own any of this, but damn I wish I did.
Warnings: Jack is a boy. Read 'Disclaimers' page for more info
Notes: Jack's POV. This is the story of Jack's life with emphasis on his experiences on the planet in Pitch Black. There is no sex, yet. Eventually Jack and Riddick will get groovy though.
Summary: Years later Jack narrates the next leg of his and Riddick's travels and adventures after escaping the planet.
When we arrived at the port on Earth Four Alpha, the first thing we did was buy new clothes.
That was so great, I can't even think about shopping for new clothes now without getting happy on memories of that time.
We headed straight to the men's section. Riddick stood by and let me pick out new pants, shirts, socks, and undershorts. I chose black pants and a long-sleeved black shirt to go under a dark blue polo shirt. I also got these really great black boots.
Then it was time to get Riddick's clothes. I noticed then how he had been watching me shop. Apparently he hadn't done this kind of thing very much, if at all. I doubt even now if he had ever legally purchased an article of clothing before that day.
He wasn't very inventive in his choices either -- all grays.
We were about to check out when I realized something. "Aren't you getting any new underwear?" Riddick cocked his head at me slightly then looked away, saying "What?"
I wasn't sure if he was embarrassed or what and I had no idea how to respond. I floundered. "You going commando?" He smiled at the floor and shook his head.
"Oh come on!"
I grabbed his hand and dragged him back to the underwear section and grabbed some stuff in what I guessed was his size. He just took it and headed back toward check-out. I trotted after him feeling a bit lightheaded.
Before checking out, though, we picked up some packs so we could put our old clothes somewhere.
As we stepped outside into the pale sunshine I panicked a bit. "Come on," Riddick paused and waited for me.
There were so many questions that I wanted to ask but I was too frightened of the answers I might (or might not) get if I asked them. That sometimes seems like the story of my life -- memories of questions left unasked or unanswered.
We arrived at a transit station and took the tube to a city pretty far out from the main docking city. Riddick was completely silent during the trip. So I kept my own silence and daydreamed about what we might do there, people we might meet, places we might go...
When we arrived at the small city though, I had to ask: "Where are we going?" Riddick stopped. "It's too easy to find tourists in those port cities, it's not safe. Besides," he smiled, "I have connections here."
I felt a lot better after that. We checked into a hotel a few blocks away.
I ran into the room, threw my pack on the floor and fell onto the bed. "Ok," Riddick said, surveying the room. I rolled over and watched as he put his pack down.
"You kick it here, take a nap or whatever. I'll be back later."
And he was out the door and gone before I could even react.
I got up slowly and walked toward the door. I felt like I was trapped in slow motion. I opened the door and looked out. I didn't see Riddick or anything to indicate where he had gone. I looked around the room and tried to assess my situation.
How long should I wait to see if Riddick came back? What should I do if he didn't come back? I sat down and thought. I figured that if he didn't come back, I would be in a situation very similar to what I would have been in had the ship never crashed.
I would have been all alone, somewhere in the universe.
I noted that Riddick had left his bag. But I refused to let myself assume that this meant anything. I came within inches of crying right then and there, but I caught myself and stopped.
A few minutes later though, I was crying my eyes out. I wrapped myself in the blanket and curled up in a corner of the room and just let myself cry.
I cried for Mother, for Peter, for everyone I had known in my other lives before getting on that ship.
I cried for everyone on the ship, for the other children, Shazza, Zeke, Paris, Fry, and even Johns. I cried for Imam, lost to me now like so many others that I had loved. I cried for Riddick.
And I cried for myself. Myself all alone, possibly forever, possibly dead tomorrow. I cried for the mess that my life seemed to be.
Eventually, as the tears slowed down and the sobs were fewer and further between I began to wonder why I hadn't cried before. I knew then that I hadn't been alone, so alone, long enough to cry it out in all the time since that one event had changed my world forever.
Finally I ran out of tears but I still sat in the corner and let the feelings of sadness, anger, despair, and all the rest of it course through me.
At last I got up, put the blanket back on the bed, washed my face, blew my nose and got ready to go out. I left a note on the bed, just in case Riddick came back: 'Got hungry. Getting food. Back later. - Jack'
I took my key and my emptied pack and set out. I had a few notes that I figured might buy some food if I couldn't find anything that I could easily steal. Hunger won over frugality though and I bought food, using all of my money except a small portion I set aside in case I'd need to take the tube back to the big port city.
The sun was setting as I got back to the room. I stopped to watch it, munching on some fiber bars I had gotten. I had a brief moment of fear as I recalled the last sunset that I had watched. But this sunset was safe. Nothing more dangerous than human was likely to jump out of the shadows here.
But that was enough and I went inside. Riddick wasn't back. I threw the note away, ate some food, and turned on the vid screen.
I must have fallen asleep. I woke up a few hours later to find myself tucked under the blankets, my shoes off, and I could hear the shower running. I smiled to myself and happily rolled over and fell back asleep.
When I woke up the next morning though there was no sign of Riddick. I was getting worried that I had dreamed hearing him in the shower when I saw my note from the night before sitting on the floor by the door, only with the 'Jack' crossed off and 'Rid' written crudely next to it.
I put the note in my pack and took a shower.
I wiped the steam from the mirror and looked at myself. I needed a haircut. I looked at my face.
Hey Jack, what're you doing?
No idea.
Typical. Pretty soon nobody is going to think you're a boy.
Shut up.
Well it's true.
I know.
So what're you going to do?
I don't know.
Typical.
I turned away and got dressed. I stepped out of the shower room.
Riddick tossed me a piece of fruit. I smiled. "Good morning!"
My smile flickered and died as I noticed the stern look on Riddick's face.
"Gotta talk."
I sat down on the edge of the bed. Riddick stood by the door, sipping a hot drink. He sighed.
"I was going to leave you on that planet. I was about to leave." I nodded, it made sense. I hadn't thought he was coming back. Hadn't it been the shock (and relief) of my life when he had come through? He continued, "I wasn't going to leave anytime since then though." My spirits lifted. But... why have this serious talk?
He put his cup down and leaned back against the door. "We came here," he continued, "cuz I know someone here. I don't know how helpful they might be. But I think they can help. They've helped already in fact."
"Help how? Me? You?" I broke off my string of questions.
Riddick pushed off the wall and stood in front of me.
"Jack, I don't know what to do. You're some kid with a gender problem. I'm a sociopath killer who saved your life. I'm not used to feeling responsible for other people. I don't know what to do. Get married? Get a job? Home in the 'burbs?"
He chuckled, but there was no humor in it. "All I know to do is use this connection here. They're getting me a ship and a license and I'm going to start some kind of smuggling or merc work. And I'm not trying to kid you: I do kill people. I hurt people. I probably hurt you. For all I know I'll hurt you and I'll like it."
I kept expecting him to start pacing around the room. But he just stood there, talking slowly and thoughtfully.
"What do I know about taking care of a kid? I can't be your father. I wouldn't even dream of trying." He paused and I took the risk: "I don't want or need a father, Riddick. I want a friend. I need a friend."
He looked at me and after a minute he nodded. "Carolyn..." he said, "Fry died out there. She asked me, before she died, when she wouldn't let me leave you behind -- she asked if there was any part of me that wanted to rejoin the human race."
He sat down on the bed next to me. "I told her I wouldn't know how. And really Jack, I'm just making it up as I go along. But I want to be your friend. I might even want you to be my friend." He laughed. "Me... with a friend..." he mused, "But if I'm fucking up you have to tell me. And don't assume that I always know what to do." He patted my shoulder roughly.
I took his hand in mine and smiled. "I think you're doing fine. And most people are probably just making it up as they go along too." Riddick nodded.
"Riddick?" I hesitated. He cocked his head toward me. "Can I hug you?" I grinned. He looked away, embarrassed I guess but I hugged him anyway.
It was so good to have another person there with me. I hadn't been old enough to make this kind of pact with Mother or Peter.
Somewhere deep down my gut was warning me that no matter what, someday Riddick and I would no longer be together. I put this out of my mind though and chose to focus on the positive aspect of our new life together.
"So what are we going to do today?" I asked. "Do I get to meet your friend?" Riddick smirked, "Not a friend. A somewhat friendly... acquaintance." He paused, "Well, maybe an old friend."
"Do I get to meet them?" "Of course, but they won't be up and about for a few hours at least." He got up and started to put his shoes on. "So let's go look at our new ship."
I tried to ask questions about this ship and why on earth it was here in this city during our whole walk across town. But Riddick just smiled and changed the subject every time I asked.
When we finally reached our destination I was a bit disappointed. "It's just a junk shop," I said, grimacing. "Yep," Riddick replied, "Just a junk shop with a really cool mural painted on the wall." I ran around to the side of the building.
He was right -- someone had painted a breathtaking mural of ships flying through space. There were about fifteen different ships. "Which one?" I asked, bubbling with excitement. "That one," he pointed calmly.
I didn't know the make or model but it thrilled me to see the ship that Riddick had apparently obtained for us.
"So where is it really?"
"Back where we came from."
"Right. When are we leaving?"
"Not yet. Thought you wanted to meet my friend."
And I did meet his friend. The owner of the modest night club. Owner and nightclub were known as The Divine Miss M.
The doorkeeper ushered us in to see Miss M as soon as we approached the club, no questions asked. We were shown into the dimly lit living room upstairs.
Whatever I had been expecting, the shining lights that approached us through the gloom came as a shock. Another person with a shine job. If I thought the eyes were startling, that was nothing to the person herself. Miss M.
Thousands of questions flooded my mind. She clasped Riddick's hands. Then she spoke, looking at me: "So this is the boy..." she chuckled and I knew then.
Miss M was Miss M in the same way that I was Mr J.
But... how? Why? What now? She took my arm and led me into another room. I glanced back to see Riddick grin at me.
Miss M closed the door and sat down on an armchair. "Please, sit," she said, pointing to a couch. I sat down nervously and looked around.
She shook her head and smiled. "I have only a vague idea of how you and our mutual friend got together. But I don't need to know, honey." She waved her hand at me. She must've had a ring on ever finger. Her hands sparkled.
"You see," she paused, "We were inside together. You know of course," she pointed to her own eye, "in the Slam. And I had no small part in our escape too." She grinned and winked at me, "But you'll have to ask him for the whole story because tonight I have a different mission."
She rose and stood staring at me. I squirmed. "I can see why he brought you to me. Poor thing didn't know what else to do of course. Lucky for him I'm thoroughly prepared and, yes, even delighted to help you. You'll be wanting hormones. And advice too of course."
I started and my eyes must have bulged out ten feet. She laughed. "Oh, you'd be surprised how much you can do, and you're so young..." Her voice trailed off.
I learned so much that night. Or at least, that's how it felt at the time. I was introduced to a world of infinite possibility -- one in which I could become a boy. Really a boy. Miss M had a doctor friend who wrote me a universal prescription (a card that would work at any pharmacy stand but would actually register as a regular prescription card every time it was used so that it couldn't be traced) for androgen pills**. They told me that if I started taking these regularly, my breasts probably wouldn't grow anymore. There was so much more though. I mean, hormones aside there was everyday 'passing', not to mention surgery. I told them I wouldn't consider surgery for many more years and they said it was a good idea. But there was so much they told me and showed me -- suggestions on how to talk, how to walk, how to hold my head and my hands, how to stand, how to sit, and so much more.
Much of that I found didn't really matter as men and women don't regularly behave much differently from one another -- at least not in everyday posture.
There were also instruments that could be used for peeing standing up. They sent me away with one of these, lots of advice on using restrooms, and my prescription card.
I soaked up their words like a dry sponge. My head was reeling when I was finally released to Riddick's side in the main room. I clutched my new things to my chest.
I said my sleepy goodbyes and thank you's. I leaned heavily on Riddick on the walk home.
We walked in silence. We prepared for bed in silence. We slept and awoke in silence.
My dreams were filled with grand visions of myself running through the streets of every city I had ever seen -- a happy boy.
I silently packed my bag and ate the apple Riddick handed me. We walked silently to the transit station. While we waited for our tube I timidly approached the pharmacy stand.
I stood there for a full five minutes before I summoned the courage to step up, insert my card and wait while my prescription was filled. That was the beginning of my doubt. I mean, of seriously questioning myself.
What am I doing, I asked myself. How do I know that I want this? How do I know anything?
I clutched my prescription tightly as Riddick and I stepped into the tube. As soon as we sat down I shoved the pills to the bottom of my bag.
"Not even gunna look at them?" Riddick asked. I looked up. His goggles stared into my eyes like drills.
"What if..." I cleared my throat. "What if it's a mistake? What if I'm making a mistake?" Riddick raised an eyebrow.
Our tickets were punched and we passed the rest of the trip in silence. I don't remember much between that point and actually getting the ship and taking off.
It was a good ship and Riddick drove it very well. I had my own little cabin, right next Riddick's. There were two other cabins. Though the ship only really required one person to operate it, it was set up for a crew of four. Lots of cargo space too.
I took a look around, then went to my cabin and laid down. I dozed off. And I dreamed.
In my dream, my caremother was there. I smiled and greeted her, but she screamed in anger and turned away. Then I saw Fry and I ran to her but she screamed in anger too and turned away. Then they both turned back to me, but they had changed.
They were alien monsters.
They were screaming.
"You killed my daughter! You killed her!" yelled the monster that had been my caremother.
"You lied to me! You dirty liar!" screeched the monster that had been Fry.
They were closing in on me and I screamed and ran in blind terror.
I woke up in Riddick's arms, crying. I forced my breathing to slow down. "Ok now?" he whispered. "Yeah," I gasped.
He helped me to my feet. I splashed some water on my face and joined him at the ship controls. I wanted to take my mind off my nightmare, so I asked "How did you meet Miss M?"
Riddick visibly relaxed the slightest bit. "Morgan Murphy," he said simply, "Fellow inmate. Didn't know her -- when she was him -- on the inside too much. She was someone else's." I almost asked what of someone else's she was, but I stopped myself.
"We were on the same transport for a transfer. Well. The guards got really interested in her. So interested that I was able to swing myself loose and dispatch the opposition."
And you didn't kill her, I thought. Maybe you're more human than you think.
"How did you know she'd be on Earth Four Alpha?" "We split up and she told me where to find her if I needed something when things cooled down. It's been a while but I'd say that things have cooled. And I needed something." I smiled.
Silence reigned, as it usually did, for a while after that. I brought out some food so we could eat and watch the stars go by. As we ate I thought I'd voice some of the thoughts that had been haunting my thoughts... and my dreams.
"Riddick?"
"Yeah."
"Do you think... if I take those pills, am I killing myself? I mean... killing who I am and becoming someone else? And what if I don't like who I become? Or what if I decide not to take the pills and then wish I had? what if I'm really an ugly boy and no one ever loves me? What if..."
I paused to breathe. "What if ten years from now I look at myself and hate myself?"
I looked at Riddick. He didn't wear his goggles on the ship. He looked somewhere between bemused and thoughtful.
"And to think," he said after a minute, "Some people go through this without the benefit of pills." He took our dishes away.
I thought about this while he was gone. Yes, I thought, it could be anything I'm worrying about... everyone can legitimately ask the question 'Will I hate myself ten years from now' and certainly everyone doesn't make this decision. Everyone has their own problems.
When Riddick returned he stood next to me, looking at the stars. "I don't think you're killing who you are or were. You're just changing. Everyone does it. And from what I've seen and you've told me... I don't think you'll change your mind. If that's any help."
I looked up at him. "What if I'm not happy?" He looked down at me. "What if you are?" I sat back and nodded. He turned. "Now I'm going to sleep. Do whatever but you are getting up in eight hours." "Ok," I nodded.
He started toward the cabins. "Riddick," I called after him. "Hmm?" he turned. "Thank you." He winked and walked away. I watched him walk away and then turned back to watch the stars sail by.
I sat there for an hour, thinking about a thousand things.
Who am I? Where am I going? Where does Riddick fit in and for how long? What will happen if I take the pills? What if I don't? I pulled the pills out of my pocket. I stared at them, turned them over in my hands a thousand times.
How old am I, I wondered. I didn't know. I had lost track of time. How old was I when I boarded the Hunter Gratzner? I knew time before then. Or did I? Did I really know how old I was when they picked me up off the streets? Fourteen, I decided. I'll be fourteen.
And I will take the pills, I decided, one every seven days. That was my decision -- reached with tears in my eyes and questions in my heart.
I can always stop, I told myself. And at least for the time I was safe with Riddick.
I was safe with a killer. A killer who carried his humanity like a subtle virus that both haunted and delighted him. Thrilled him and pained him.
And I was going to be a boy. And the world would know.
** Author's Note: as of 2003 there exists NO pill or oral form of testosterone. It only comes in gels, patches and intramuscular injection serum.