Title: Knowing is Worse

Chapter Completed: March 17, 2003

Chloe woke with a loud stretch. It took her a moment to realise she wasn't in her own bed, or even her house – but was still in the hospital waiting room. Sitting up and looking around she noticed she was also alone in this public place, the two coffee cups relieved she hadn't been alone all that long though. She sniffed the liquid settled in the bottom of the cups, her face scrunched up in disgust. This was going to be a tough morning. She stretched again. She noticed Lex was missing. Although his coat was still there to keep her company. And actually, for a hospital it was pretty empty with no busy nurses or doctors rushing past her. Part wondered if he hadn't instructed them not to disturb her. Just to throw money around, rather then be considerate.

She pulled herself to her feet, groaning and stretching once more. Those chairs were far more cramping then she originally thought. But her shoulders were still slumped and the knot her in back didn't loosen. Those weren't caused by the chairs anyway, those were from the reason she was even at the hospital. She grabbed her bag, left the jacket and set out to get her information. She hadn't planned on sleeping before visiting Anna, but the emotional strain had drained her. The young reporter followed the wall signs to the nurse's station, the assumed best place to start, and waited. Tapping her foot in annoyance she waited. She wanted to know the details of her friend's condition, but realised that being just friends ment she wasn't going to get it. If it were a male orderly she could but not from the old woman behind the large desk.

Chloe decided to just go in blind. Just go and visit her friends without asking questions. She already knew to avoid asking how the other girl felt, it was going to be obvious. She was in a hospital and from personal experience, Chloe always hated that. How do you expect her to feel? But she wanted to know if Anna knew about the baby, the miscarriage. Who had told her? How did they break the news? And how was she taking it? The answered lie just beyond the door. Chloe was about to push open the door when the logic hit her. Of course Anna knew. Even if no one explicitly told her, she would know. It was her body so of course she would know, she would feel it missing now.

'Oh god,' the younger girl thought, 'She would feel it.' That hit her in the gut. Not bothering with the plastic smile, Chloe entered the dimly lit hospital room. She cleared her throat to announce herself.

"I'm horrible," Anna choked out without even looking up at her visitor. She knew it was Chloe. She saw her standing out side the door, debating before coming in. "Not even human."

Chloe shook her head. She was, for possible for the first time in her life, at a complete loss of words. Left in sadness, confusion and questioning the existence of a divine power that would cause this. She wanted to reassure her friend, and question why she would ever think such a thing about herself, but could find no voice. She could only be a listening ear seated at her side.

"I think I'm glad this happened," her face was slicked with tears and shoulders shook in sobs, but it was a laugh that escaped her dry lips and sad eyes. A pathetic, sad and twisted sound, almost of the insane, that made both girls cringe at hearing it. "If it was Lionel's, he killed his own son without even knowing it," she made the noise again before falling into tears and muffled wails, "So, I'm happy. Happy it happened. Happy." The words were ment to convince herself. To expel the heavy grief from sitting on her.

Chloe watched her drift into this grief stricken madness through tear dripping eyes. She was scared by her own instincts to hold the older girl or grab her by the arms and shake her violently out of this. She was scared that she didn't have something to do to help.

The sound of shifting weight made Chloe look over to the door. Lex stood in the door's opening, his eyes the slightest tint of red and staring in Anna's direction with pain. The young girl was unsure of how much, if any, of the ramblings he had been witness to.

She rose from her chair, feeling guilty for leaving who could be her best friend to follow the millionaire into the hall. Again there were no words for the situation, just empathetic looks.

He wasn't going to stay for even those, he continued away from the room.

"Where are you going? You should stay with her," she said in a voice edged with a whine.

He turned back, with a sniffled to hold back the tears that he feared would fall, "I need to go." His voice was altered, not the sound that young reporter was used to, this was almost broken.

"What do you know?" she now had accusation in her eyes. Her gut telling her there was something else, something worse – and now he knew.

He glared down at her, mush weaker and with less force then he was usually capable. He signed, feeling weak and beaten and even like the lost child of his youth, "The baby…" his voice failed and he turned away from her wide eyes with his head bowed, "It was my baby." On the last word he was moving, walking away before he fell apart in the hallway.

"Lex," Chloe exclaimed, following slowly behind, "You have to tell her. Where are you going?"

"I have to get out of here," he replied crudely, still striding down the corridor. He didn't know where he was going, he just knew he needed to be away from here.

She stood silent. She was sure he had heard the wrong part of Anna's emotional rant, adding insult to their injury. She was emotionally tired and really had no idea how Lex could have the strength to walk away or how Anna had the energy to cry. She was barely able to stand of her own will, and was only a spectator to this tragedy.

The young girl took a moment to sigh before re-entering the room.

Anna was curled up now in a near fetal position. The pain preventing the tight, protective ball she was seeking. "That was Lex," it wasn't a question or really even a statement.

"Yeah," Chloe nodded, controlling her voice.

"I shouldn't have said what I did. I shouldn't have blurted it all out like that to you," she started rambling, "I didn't really mean it. I'm not really happy. How could I be? I'm so far from happy," she rolled over to face her friend, "There's just so much pain."

The girl's eyes welled with tears and they silently fell down her cheeks, "I know. I'm sorry." And she was. She was so sorry that anyone she knew had to hurt like that. And that it was only going to get worse.

"Wha…what?" the older girl stammered out, looking into the eyes of her friend. There was something in them – there was something telling her that she knew more, "What is it? What do you know?"

Chloe shook her head, wiping under her eyes with her hand, "nothing." She avoided looking at the other girl, her brow tightly knotted.

"I can tell you're lying," Anna watched with a quivering lip from her bed, as she began wringing her hands. "Please just tell me," she pleaded. Her own eyes had given up in crying now and were left just red and swollen and sad.

"I don't think I should," she dragged her hands through her hair and sat down heavily in the bedside chair. She really was torn between what to do. She had got into trouble for saying things before she should have. But she couldn't keep this from her.

"Chloe please," the older girl was still pleading, much more with her eyes now, "I need to know."

The young girl looked up, biting her bottom lip, she had no idea how to say this. "Um…the baby, ah…" her tongue stumbled over the words and she fought to keep her voice stable, "ItwasLex's." She just blurted it out. Unable to think anymore before the words left her mouth.

"Oh god!"

It hit Anna like a Mack truck. She would have preferred the truck. Her shoulder shook again, but there was no water left to fall from her eyes. She just had the dry sobs that wracked her body. Chloe on the other hand, did it for her. She cried freely, feeling the pain of her friend and great sympathy.

"Why?" Anna rocked, the unanswerable question hanging between them. All the possible whys that it represented, and not one answer could be given to explain it.

Chloe only had one thing that she could do now. She moved to sit on the narrow bed with her, wrapping comforting arms around the other girl. Giving her a tight, supportive hug, "I don't know why."

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"Scotch," Lex bellowed, waving a hand for the attention.

The bartender was surprised. There usually aren't many people ordering the hard stuff this early in the day. Outside of the usual rummies.

"Isn't it kid of early to start," he began commenting, bringing the glass and bottle over, "Hey aren't you Lex-"

"Just leave the bottle," he cut him off with a grunt. He did not want to be recognised, not now, not here, not in this shit whole of a dive.

The barman just nodded. He knew better then to question a Luthor – he had learned that lesson the hard way.

Lex poured and downed himself a shot. Mentally damning how vile it was. Why couldn't he have just gotten drunk in his own house, with his own, real scotch? He knew why. He wanted to be where no onw could find him. No one of matter would find Lex Luthor in this place, drinking this swill.

"Hey Bob," a familiar voice greeted the man behind the bar and took the stool beside the millionaire, "I'll have a coffee, thanks."

Lex slowly glared up, noticing the familiar rolled-up flannel cuff and finally the face of Jonathan Kent. "Shit," he cursed to himself, turning back to his waiting glass.

"I saw your car out front," Jonathan nodded a thank you to Bob for his coffee and still didn't look at the young Luthor.

"I'm really not in the mood for a speech on my many evils," he gulped down another shot, not quite used to the taste and cheap burn. He hadn't ment to sound so crude, but really wasn't up to caring at that moment.

"News that bad huh," he just sipped his order, no reaction to the snide remark, just shaking his head in a kind of sad-sympathy, "Well, I'm sorry."

Lex looked up now, surprised by all this.

"Pain isn't easy for anyone Lex," Jonathan turned to him now, his face fairly sympathetic, "But trust me, it'll still be there at the bottom of that bottle."

"Yeah, but I won't feel it for a while," his lips curved in a sad smile as he downed another shot. His mouth was becoming numb to the taste.

"No," the older man agreed, "but it'll feel ten times worse in the morning." He drank again from the mug.

Lex noticed how he spoke like the voice of experience. Like a man who had seeked solace at the bottom of a bottle before. And for some reason he had always been able to look at Mr. Kent like more of a father figure then his own. "Anna lost the baby," he felt comfortable enough to blurt that out, running his hand over the back of his neck.

"I am sorry," the borrowed father figure nodded slowly, he had already figured that was why he was here in the first place. "I can't say I know what it feels like, but I have an idea," and he did have an idea. He and Martha had both suffered the pain of not being able to have children, the fear of losing Clark and the scare with the miracle on the way. He thanked his lucky stars every night.

Lex was silent and just rubbed his temples, leaning his head closer to the bar top.

Jonathan brought an unsure hand down on the younger man's back for comfort, "But there is one thing I do know. It's a lot easier to go through the pain with someone who's feeling it too. Because you're not the only one suffering." He patted his back before getting up from the stool. He had made his little case, tossing the change onto the bar before leaving.

Lex thought for a moment, rubbing his hands over his face. The senior Kent was right. He shouldn't be here wallowing in self-pity and heartache alone when Anna was in the hospital doing the same. He never had anyone to go through it all with before, so was unsure of how this worked. In all honesty he had never had to worry about what others were going through, it was always just him and his pain. He threw a cluster of bills onto the cheap wood and walked out into the Kansas sun.

It was amazing how the sun could always shine despite what the world was going through.

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