It's been, what, five months? Seventeen? Anyway. I've been hit on the head with a rather heavy Maths text book, and decided to try my hand at another diary. Yes, I'm scared too. If it's a shocker, please don't be afraid of telling me. I doubt my own humorness at the moment. Suggestions welcome. Just leave my secretary, Ivan, a message :D

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The Secret Diary Of Saturos

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Day 1

Heading off on journey-of-terrible-danger-doom-and-the-like. So tiresome. Burdened with "I am so a natural blonde!" Menardi. Good grief.

Day 4

Menardi such a scrag.

Day 6

Reminder to self: Do not call Menardi a scrag when she has a large sickle in hand and is searching for booby traps in special shiny chamber.

Three Years Later

Day 1

Entered big shiny chamber. Intelligently said nothing about that scrag incident three years ago. Waiting for others to turn up. Expect Felix to be fashionably late, and Alex to do some sparkly flashy thing when he arrives. Show off.

Day 2

Thought Sol Sanctum was idiot proof. Apparently not. Arrived back from shopping expedition to the camping store and found pack of scruffy kids and ugly old man in special shiny room. Had those rather appealing balls with them. Told them to give them back or would blast them to the moon. Kids not smart. Felix showed up with some stupid mask on his face, and had angsty confrontation with scruffy kid sister. Funny. Alex ponced in on his beam of blue light, late as usual. Asked where he had been. Alex replied "It's a secret."

Damned idiot.

Day 3

Menardi had hissy fit and kidnapped scruffy sister of Felix and ugly old man. Needed new blood to have angry gossip with I suppose. As long as she quits telling me about that time she dated Agatio and he stood her up for her sister. Smart man if you ask me.

Day 6

Alex v. annoying. Won't answer any questions. At all. Fine. See if I ask him what he wants for Christmas then.

Day 10

Travel so boring. Scruffy sister of Felix v. whiney. "Where are you taking us? Why did you steal the Stars? Where have you been all this time Felix? Who stole my sparkly hairband? What's Alex's shoe size? Saturos, is blue your natural colour?" Honestly. Of COURSE it's my natural colour. Stupid twat.

Day 11

Finally asked Menardi where we were going. Listened to ranting for seventeen minutes before could figure out that we were going to some lighthouse up north. Asked her why. Menardi threw another fit. "DON'T YOU KNOW OUR MISSION? YOU STUPID DAFT IDIOT, WHY DID THE ELDERS PICK YOU TO COME? DON'T THEY TRUST ME? I COULD DO THIS MISSION WITH MY HANDS TIED BEHIND MY BACK!"

Was saved by Alex teleporting right onto Menardi's head.

Day 12

Humpf. Felix no fun. Suspect he prefers company of Alex to me. Especially since that scorpion incident. I did tell him I meant to slip it into Menardi's bag, but don't think he believed me.

Day 13

Seems that scruffy kids from element room are "chasing" us. Menardi yelled at me, telling me to fix my mistake. MY mistake? Who was it that decided to drop all our rubbish along the way, because it was too heavy for her to carry?

Day 14

Have brilliant plan.

Day 17

Brilliant plan did not work. Jenna did not appreciate being tied to tree as decoy.

Day 18

Have another brilliant plan.

Day 19

Scruffy kids somehow saw through that fake postcard from Kalay I sent saying "Wish you were here!" Suspect they didn't approve of saucy half-naked picture of Alex on the card either. Also suspect Alex didn't approve. He shouldn't leave his stuff in such easy to reach places anyway. Anyone can rummage through a beach bag, for goodness sake.

Day 21

Ow. Battle did not go well. Scruffy kids have picked up stick-obsessed blondie and dippy blue-haired girl. And I thought our group was laughable. Menardi pissed. But then, what's new?

Day 25

Alex on the run from Jenna. Told him not to steal her scrunchie, but would not listen. Most entertaining anyway.

Day 26

Found Alex in a cave. Asked me not to tell Jenna where he was. Replied "It's ok, it's a secret."

Went outside and informed Jenna on Alex's whereabouts.

Day 28

Alex most irritable. Keeps attempting to throw me off cliffs. V. annoying. Luckily dodged and got to see him collide with Menardi and fall over cliff. Happy.

Day 29

Unfortunately Menardi not dead. Thought Felix would cry when she screamed that we were all incompetent fools with mud-for-brains. Wonder why.

Day 30

Oh dear god. Felix has the hots for Menardi.

Day 34

Snuck up on Alex in the dark. Set fire to his pants. Ran off screaming into the river. Most interestingly found a pot of blue hair dye on the floor.

Blackmail material. Not a secret anymore, buck-o.

Day 35

Alex being awfully nice and fawny. Ick. Almost wish I didn't know about the hair thing. Almost. Am enjoying beating him up with the flowers he gives me though.

Day 38

Where the hell are we?

Day 39

Had to backtrack fifty miles, as had forgotten the ugly old man. Stupid of me, Menardi says. It wasn't my turn to keep track of him, it was Felix's! Felix denies, says it was Alex's turn. Alex denies, says it was Menardi's turn. Menardi denies, burns half the hair off his head. Jenna says nothing.

Day 41

Knew that Felix was up to something. Found poetry book when going through his stuff. Full of Menardi-verses. Almost threw up on the spot. Instead, pocketed book.

Day 45

Felix fretting over lost book, though doesn't say that's why. Keeps jumping on people and screaming "I KNOW YOU'VE GOT IT!! GIVE IT TO ME!!" Scared some poor old dear at the supermarket.

Day 47

Traveling through desert. Have taken to writing bits of Felix's poetry all over the walls at night. Most amusing when he wakes up and sees it. Menardi getting suspicious of the verse: "I love her, but she hates me, her anger burns faster than a tree."

Day 48

Alex popped out of nowhere like usual. This time had some demented blonde girl with him. Called her "my compass". What on earth is the matter with these people?

Day 50

Compass girl not so bad. Kicked Menardi in the shins and called her a ho. Think I like her.

Day 52

Woke up to find Alex sitting on my chest, staring at me. Asked what he was doing. Replied "It's a secret." Promptly punched him in the face.

Day 53

Alex has broken nose. Haha. Who's the prettiest now? Not him, that's for sure.

Day 54

Felix looking at me evilly. Does he know?

Day 63

He knew. Woke up on the banks of a river chained to a log, with a note saying "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER." Trying to remember what I did last summer. . .

Day 64

Oh.

Day 65

Stupid Felix. Thinks he can blackmail me so easily. He still doesn't know that I know about his sordid affair with Isaac in the snow lodge. Amazing what diaries can tell you about a guy.

Day 66

Felix v. annoying. Finally cracked it and buried him in a sand dune. Jenna says that wasn't very nice. Well boo-hoo.

Day 68

Compass girl lead us through the desert. Most useful party member yet. Wonder if I could trade Menardi in for a horse?

Probably would only get a donkey for that piece of work.

Day 70

Passed lighthouse on the way to Lalivero. Felix and Alex chose that moment to confront me about poetry book and hair dye and Isaac-shagging. Told them it was Jenna. They believed it too. Morons.

Day 71

Overheard interesting conversation. Heard someone say "I can't take it any more. SHAG ME!" Explosion ensued.

Day 72

Felix looks quite good burnt black like that. It works for him.

Day 75

Up the lighthouse we go. Alex disappeared again. Good riddance.

Day 76

Was backed into a corner by Jenna. She said "I can't take it any more. SHAG ME!"

Must be a genetic trait or something.

Day 77

The hillbillies caught up with us again. Was most amused when leader ordered an attack, and his crew stood around filing their nails.

Day 78

Oh dear god, I'm fused with Menardi. Bitchiness. . . seeping in. . . can't. . . keep. . .  sanity. . . RRAAAAAWR!!

Day 79

Fell into lighthouse. Bummer. Did manage to inform Menardi that she was a useless bitch who'd never have a man because she looked like one herself on the way down. Thankfully died before she could respond.