You love me! You really do! *glow*

Time for another then? Alright mister pretty boy Alex, time to tell us the 411.

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The Secret Diary of Alex

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Day 1

Mia so boring. Expects me to scrub the Mercury Lighthouse toilets AGAIN?

Day 2

Told Mia some cock-and-bull story about going to get milk, then high-tailed it out of there. Imil-dwellers so not pretty. They bring me down with their unprettiness.

Day 5

Met some rather shady characters in a pub. Actually, not so much shady as gaudy. Red face-paint? Please. That's so last century.

Three Years Later Day 1

I am so mysterious.

Day 2

Accidentally overslept. Arrived in sparkly room to find Menardi glaring at unwashed children. Saturos questioned me. Told him it was a secret. Stupid man, prying into my business. Who is he trying to kid with that Mohawk?

Day 3

Suddenly have two new companions. Girl very pretty and stupid. May possibly be prettier than I am. Cannot dispose of, as is Felix's sister. Ugly old man too. Not worth mentioning.

Day 4

Pretty stupid girl rather annoying. Keeps asking me questions. Must maintain mysteriousness at all costs.

Day 8

Now Saturos asking questions. Do I have to repeat myself? It's a secret, no matter what it is.

Day 9

Needed to get away. Teleported to the beauty salon in Kalay. Getting split ends. Sad.

Day 13

Menardi gets so worked up over little things. So I misjudged my landing point a little. So I landed on her head. So she was unconscious for 5 hours. What is the problem? There was really no need to call me "a stupid looks-obsessed girly-man with hairspray for brains." Suspect she's jealous of my clean hair. Hers is all frizzy and dirty and . . . ugh. So unattractive.

Day 15

Saturos such a boring man. Felix not much better, but still better than mister "Too cool to be your tool".

Day 16

Felix asked why I was hanging around. Replied "It's a secret". Gave me weird look. All of them so baffled by my enigmatism . . .

Day 18

V. annoyed with Saturos. How dare he look through my private photo album? Ugly people are so malevolent.

Day 19

Crap. Ran into Mia. Was promptly staffed in the head. So unforgiving.

Day 20

Enigma enigma enigma . . .

Day 23

Jenna's purple scrunchie rather appealing. Wonder what it would look like in my hair?

Day 24

Had to run far, far away as Jenna surprisingly vengeful about minor scrunchie-borrowing incident. Also surprisingly fast.

Day 27

Hate Saturos. Has no secret keeping ability at all.

It'll take weeks to get these burns in my pants fixed.

Day 28

Grr. Saturos still a pain. Keeps laughing at me. Didn't laugh so much when I threw a rock at his face though. So even the (big, blue, ugly) devil can cry.

Day 30

Slight miscalculation caused running tackle at Saturos to connect with Menardi. Had most unpleasant time falling down a cliff with her punching me in the back on the way. Made sure to land on her though. Mustn't ruin hair.

Day 31

Menardi howling like a banshee at all of us. Saturos looking aggravatingly smug. Jenna bewildered. Ugly old man . . . who cares. Felix distraught. Wonder why.

Day 32

Oh dear god. Felix has the hots for Menardi.

Day 33

Saturos trying to look through my stuff again. Told him to leave my secret stuff alone. Didn't expect another flaming pants incident. May need new trousers soon.

Day 34

Eeek, my hair dye is missing! Why god WHY?!

Day 37

Being nice to Saturos not fun. Especially when he orders me to kick Menardi in the shins. Definitely need new pants now. Burned into shorts.

Day 39

Stupid rough/pretty boy Felix putting old man blame on me. It was most certainly NOT my turn to keep track of him. Had lapse of sanity and blamed Menardi. Lost a metre of my hair. Bitch.

Day 40

Snuck up behind Felix in the dark and gave him the freezing of his life. Then tricked Jenna into "melting" him. And he didn't know it was me.

Because I am mysterious. Ha.

Day 43

I am the man with no past.

Day 44

Felix all edgy and strange because of missing book. Didn't know he kept a diary. Seems rather attached to it, seeing how he beat up a whole gang of teenagers who looked at him funny. Have decided to stay well away from him. Rough/pretty types extremely volatile.

Day 45

Uh oh. Felix giving me evil looks. Just to be on the safe side, teleported away faster than lightning.

Day 47

Lalivero all sandy. Ick. Bought some new pants. Lovely shade of purplish-grey. Bought some butterfly clips for peace offering to Jenna. Pretty-types must stick together in face of ugly, nasty comrades.

Day 48

On my way back through desert when found young plain girl wandering around like a lost kitten. Felt sad for her and picked her up. Scratches like a kitten too.

Day 49

Got lost. Luckily kitten girl has good sense of direction. Have renamed her compass girl.

Day 51

Returned (mysteriously!) to the group to warm welcome. Warm because of desert, not group. Saturos leering at my compass girl. How rude, she's mine.

Day 52

Compass girl attacked Menardi for no reason. Not that attacking Menardi needs a reason. Saturos was laughing till compass girl yelled "What are you laughing at, freak?" and kicked him in . . . the region.

I have good taste in women.

Day 55

Owowowowow. Saturos completely overreacted to innocent observing of him sleeping. Seemed to lose it when told him it was a secret. Touchy touchy . . . owwwww.

Day 57

Saturos disappeared. Felix looking sinisterly happy. Hmmm.

Day 58

Have become Jenna's confidant. Feel special. Told me she has the hots for Saturos. Didn't comment, only told her that blue wasn't her colour. She looked thoughtful. V. pleasing.

Day 61

Woke up to find Saturos back, glaring at me. Told me not to "mess with" him anymore because he's "extremely pissed" and "worn out" and "dirty" and won't "take anymore of your crap". Feel a bit annoyed. HE'S the one who stole my hair dye.

Day 64

Was walking along quite innocently when Menardi blasted me with seven fireballs in a row. Screamed "STAY OUT OF MY MAKEUP BAG YOU THIEVING LITTLE PRETTY BOY! DON'T YOU DARE TAKE ANOTHER BOTTLE OF HAIR GEL!" What on earth . . .

Day 65

Spotted compass girl using jar of hair gel. Humpf. This is the thanks I get for telling her exactly where Felix keeps his choc-chip cookies.

Day 69

Finally out of desert. What a relief. Hair feels terrible and greasy. Need a shower. None around, so doused myself on the head. It will do for now.

Day 70

Felix dragged me into hissy fit with Saturos. Stood to the side and listened to Felix ranting "You took my book! I know you did, I can see it on your stupid-bastard face! That was PRIVATE, PERSONAL stuff! Give it back now!" Saturos said no. Was alarmed – and fascinated – to see Felix burst into tears. Took cue to leave.

Day 71

Distressed, weepy Felix waking me up in the middle of the night. Doesn't know what to do about hots-for-Menardi problem, and is convinced Saturos will show her the book. Told him to tell her how he feels. Seemed agreeable to answer. Said he'd tell her tomorrow.

Hehehehe . . .

Day 73

Suspect Menardi caused Felix brain damage when she exploded at him. Walks around in a daze, mumbling nonsense and poetry. Quite amusing actually. Tied flowers in his hair and stuck a "LOVE ME" sign on his back.

Day 75

Another lighthouse. Ho-hum. Waited till the six dolts were around the corner, then teleported out. Goodbye to them. Ah, Alex, they hardly knew thee.

Day 76

Because I am mysterious.

Day 79

Was having lovely beach day on Idejima when earthquake started tearing up the ground. Dropped my pina colada. Sad. Drifting in the ocean no fun.

Day 80

Of all the floating landmasses Jenna and ugly old man had to wash up on, it had to be mine . . .

Day 123

Was braiding my hair when found compass girl and Felix washed up on shore in very strange position. Positive it isn't natural. Dumped sand all over them then called the other two over. Left to go finish my hair.

There are more important things in life than resuscitating people, you know.