Hey every1! thanks for great reviews...anyway, im back from my trip, so im
posting part five...this chapter explains more about monica and chandler
and about joey and phoebe, too. so anyway, please read and review! and
omg...friends last night...monica and chandler cant have kids! agg!
lol...well read and review, thanks!
Part Five
Finally, about a week after Ross's arrival, Rachel called him.
"Rachel?" Ross said incredulously as Rachel revealed it was her on the phone, "Wow.I didn't think you were gonna call me."
"Ross," Rachel started, not really sure what to say, "I guess.I've decided that I can't forgive you, not yet anyway. It's gonna take some time but.I'd like for you to come back. Not as my husband and definitely not as Josh and Gracie's father, but as Ross, our old friend."
"Really?"
"Yes," Rachel said firmly, "But that's it-Josh and Gracie will know you as our old friend, not as their father. They've been hurt enough, I don't want them to suddenly have a father and then have him."
"Die?" Ross asked quietly, "I understand, Rachel. I only have.maybe three months left. I wouldn't do that to Josh and Gracie either. But I would like to get to know them. Is that okay?"
"That's fine," Rachel said, "So are you going to come back to the city?"
"Yes," Ross said firmly, "I will."
"See you tomorrow, Ross." With that, Rachel hung up. She wasn't sure what she had just done-if it was the right thing or not. But she would find out.
"Hi, Monica," Ross said softly.
"Ross?" Monica said, in disbelief. She, Joey and Phoebe were the only ones who hadn't seen him yet. She knew where he was, but Monica had yet to actually see her big brother in person.
"Yeah," he said quietly, "I wanted to come over and talk, if that's okay."
"That's fine," she said, opening the door wider and letting him in, "Chandler's not here, though."
"I kinda wanted to talk to just you," he looked around, "Are your kids here?"
Monica shook her head and sat down on the couch while Ross took a sit in the chair, "Emma and Zachary are at school."
Ross nodded, "So I guess you finally got all those things you wanted- married, with kids."
"Yeah, I did," Monica said and tried to lighten the mood a little, "So how much did you freak out when Chandler told you we were married?"
"Just a little," Ross said, laughing, "I mean, I figured you'd be married and all, but I never expected Chandler to be. And a dad too? He sure has changed a lot."
"We've all grown up quite a bit since you left. Especially Chandler and Joey."
"Joey?"
Monica nodded and shook her head, "You don't even know, do you?" she said quietly.
"Know what?"
"Both Joey and Phoebe got married. Joey's got four boys, Phoebe's got three kids."
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah," Monica pulled a picture of a table in the living room. "That's Phoebe's husband, Mike Hannigan. Those are their kids, Heath, he's six, Lillie, she's five and Ryan, who's three. And that's Joey's wife, Juliana. They've got four boys, Nick, Jackson, Christopher and Robby. They're five, four, three and one."
"Wow." Ross marveled, "Joey.a dad?"
Monica laughed, "He's a great father. The best part is they all stayed in the city. There's eleven kids between all of us. It's pretty great. Except that Josh and Gracie are the only ones without a dad. Chandler, Joey and Mike have tried to step in but.they've got their own kids to raise."
Ross nodded, embarrassed, and tried to change the subject, "You've done a great job with this place," he said, "It's so much bigger."
"Yeah, well, two kids and all," she said, smiling, "But.umm, speaking of places, where have you been living?"
"Chicago."
"What's in Chicago?"
"Nothing," Ross said, "It sucked. Don't ever live there, Mon, I'm telling you, it's nothing like New York."
Monica nodded, "Can I ask something?" Ross nodded, "Did Mom and Dad know where you were?"
Ross nodded sheepishly, "Yeah, they did. I saw them a couple times, too."
"Ross," Monica said seriously, "Why didn't you call me? I wouldn't have been mad."
"I don't know," Ross said in a voice that was barely audible, "I've made so many mistakes in the past eight years that not calling you is just a drop in the bucket."
Monica nodded and hastily changed the topic, "You want something to drink?"
"Sure." Ross sat down, "So, where's Chandler?"
"Work," Monica said, "That's where he usually is during the week."
"Right," Ross said, embarrassed. He could barely make conversation with his sister anymore. "So, do you still work?"
"Yeah, but I've got today off," she said, "I don't work as much as I used to. Chandler and I both agreed early on that Zachary and Emma should come home to their mom or dad, not a nanny."
"Chandler sounds like a good father," Ross said.
"He is. And a very good husband." As if on cue, Chandler entered the apartment and walked up to his wife.
"Hey, baby," he said, kissing her gently on the lips. "Hi, Ross," he said, far less gently. It hadn't even been three days since Rachel had talked to Ross on the phone, so feelings were still pretty hostile. "What're you doing here?"
"Just came by to talk to Monica."
"Oh," Chandler said, "Am I interrupting?"
"Nah," Ross said, " I have to leave soon anyway. Mom and Dad wanted to see me."
"Tell them I say hi," Monica said, and Ross left.
"Well, that was uncomfortable.." Chandler said softly.
"It's almost as if we've never met him before."
"I know," Chandler said, shaking his head, "Remember when it was just the six of us? Before the twins were born.when everything was normal? I'd love to go back to then.life was so incredibly simple. Of course," he smiled, "if we did go back to then, there's quite a few things I'd change."
"Such as?"
"Well, I'd ask you out a heck of a lot earlier."
Monica nodded, "Still, those years were pretty good."
That night, Ross went to visit Joey's family. Joey wasn't thrilled to see him, but he went with Rachel's wishes and was civil to him. Joey's wife was out with some friends and Joey had just put his sons to bed. Ross glanced around the living room of Joey's huge, family oriented apartment. "Everything's changed so much," he said, as Joey invited him in to talk, "I can't believe you're a dad."
"Yeah, well," Joey, said, "It was bound to happen eventually."
Ross smiled, "I still can't believe Monica and Chandler got married."
Joey laughed, "Well, after you left, Chandler kind of became Monica's support system. She was dealing with an awful lot, trying to help Rachel, trying to find you, and Chandler offered his shoulder to cry on, constantly. Monica finally realized how great they were together, and Chandler, well, Chandler had liked her for years. I think it took them about two dates to realize they were in love. They're a great couple, but they've been through a lot."
Ross looked at him skeptically. "Like what? They seem perfect, great marriage; two gorgeous kids," he trailed off, remembering that he, also, had had a great marriage and two gorgeous kids.
Joey glared at him. "You know, Ross" he said angrily, "If you had been here you'd know what they've been through together. You'd know that Monica's appendix burst and that she almost died. You'd know that Chandler sat by her hospital bed for four weeks. You'd know they were told Monica would probably never get pregnant, but by some miracle she became pregnant with Emma. You'd know how worried Chandler was her entire pregnancy. You'd know how Monica almost bled to death when Emma was born. You'd know that she can't ever, ever have kids again. You'd know that they waited and hoped for a baby to adopt and they finally found Zachary. You'd know all that, Ross. You missed your sister almost dying not once, but twice. You missed comforting Chandler when they were times the doctors told him he was going to lose his wife. You missed ten births and three weddings."
"Don't you think I know that?" Ross said sadly, " I'm a crappy husband, father, brother and friend. But I can't change the past, Joey. I can't change what I did. But don't ever think I don't regret what I did."
Joey was still breathing heavily, angrily. "Fine," he said, "I just hope you realize everything."
"I do, Joe, I do," Ross said. He tried to change the subject hastily. "So tell me about your kids and your wife."
Joey smiled and sat down, happily diverted. "Juliana's amazing. She and I started dating pretty soon after you left and we got married pretty quickly. She's the most wonderful person and a great mother. She's Italian too and we both wanted a big Italian family. So we just started having kids. My boys," he smiled even broader, "My boys are my life, besides Juli. We're actually thinking of having another baby sometime when the boys are a bit older. Juli would like a little girl."
Ross smiled, "That sounds great. You guys sound like a perfect family."
"Well," said Joey, "We're pretty damn close. Funny you bring up family, Ross, when you destroyed your own." Joey was getting angry again.
"Joey, please." Ross sighed.
"No, Ross, I want to know! I know you cheated on Rachel, but I want to know why you left. It can't just be that. There's got to be another reason!"
Ross was silent for a long time, "Well, there is." he said quietly. "Look," he started, "Rachel's so beautiful and smart and funny and successful. And I.I was holding her back. We weren't happy; Joey, and I could tell she wasn't happy. And I got scared. I'm a coward, okay? I got so scared that I was going to screw up that I ran away so that I never could screw up. I was so terrified at screwing up Gracie or Josh or Ben, even, that I decided it'd be better if I wasn't around to mess them up. Cheating was just a drunken mistake that was the last straw. So I left."
Joey shook his head, "Ross," he said angrily, "We've all felt like that! I was terrified of doing something to Nick when he was born. And you should have seen Chandler with Emma. Obviously there was something scaring you a lot more, but why couldn't you have stayed here? Worked it out with us, or a psychiatrist or something?"
"I don't know," Ross said sadly, "I know I could've. But like I said, I was a big coward. I made the biggest mistake in the world. I thought it would only hurt me and by the time I figured out it wasn't just me I was hurting, it was too late. I was already gone and I didn't figure you guys would forgive me. But when I found out I was dying."
Joey nodded. "I just don't understand, Ross. You should have told me. You should have told someone, anyone."
Ross was crying softly. "I wish I had."
"Then answer one question for me, Ross," Joey asked, and Ross nodded, "Do you still love Rachel? And Josh and Gracie and Ben?"
Ross nodded, "So very, very much."
"Then make these last months count. Even if you're pretending not to be their dad, make these last months count. Especially for Rachel."
Ross nodded. "I'm going to go," he said quietly and got up.
"Think about what I said," Joey instructed.
"Yep," Ross said, and left.
Joey sighed softly. He couldn't help but think that Ross' leaving could have been avoided if Ross had just talked to someone. Joey sat back and reminisced over the years Ross had missed. In some ways, they'd been amazing. He'd found the love of his life, got married and had his children. The same had gone for Phoebe, Monica and Chandler. But there had also been so many horrible things that had happened, especially to Monica, Chandler and Rachel. Joey sighed and pushed those memories away. No one like to think about those memories.
Part Five
Finally, about a week after Ross's arrival, Rachel called him.
"Rachel?" Ross said incredulously as Rachel revealed it was her on the phone, "Wow.I didn't think you were gonna call me."
"Ross," Rachel started, not really sure what to say, "I guess.I've decided that I can't forgive you, not yet anyway. It's gonna take some time but.I'd like for you to come back. Not as my husband and definitely not as Josh and Gracie's father, but as Ross, our old friend."
"Really?"
"Yes," Rachel said firmly, "But that's it-Josh and Gracie will know you as our old friend, not as their father. They've been hurt enough, I don't want them to suddenly have a father and then have him."
"Die?" Ross asked quietly, "I understand, Rachel. I only have.maybe three months left. I wouldn't do that to Josh and Gracie either. But I would like to get to know them. Is that okay?"
"That's fine," Rachel said, "So are you going to come back to the city?"
"Yes," Ross said firmly, "I will."
"See you tomorrow, Ross." With that, Rachel hung up. She wasn't sure what she had just done-if it was the right thing or not. But she would find out.
"Hi, Monica," Ross said softly.
"Ross?" Monica said, in disbelief. She, Joey and Phoebe were the only ones who hadn't seen him yet. She knew where he was, but Monica had yet to actually see her big brother in person.
"Yeah," he said quietly, "I wanted to come over and talk, if that's okay."
"That's fine," she said, opening the door wider and letting him in, "Chandler's not here, though."
"I kinda wanted to talk to just you," he looked around, "Are your kids here?"
Monica shook her head and sat down on the couch while Ross took a sit in the chair, "Emma and Zachary are at school."
Ross nodded, "So I guess you finally got all those things you wanted- married, with kids."
"Yeah, I did," Monica said and tried to lighten the mood a little, "So how much did you freak out when Chandler told you we were married?"
"Just a little," Ross said, laughing, "I mean, I figured you'd be married and all, but I never expected Chandler to be. And a dad too? He sure has changed a lot."
"We've all grown up quite a bit since you left. Especially Chandler and Joey."
"Joey?"
Monica nodded and shook her head, "You don't even know, do you?" she said quietly.
"Know what?"
"Both Joey and Phoebe got married. Joey's got four boys, Phoebe's got three kids."
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah," Monica pulled a picture of a table in the living room. "That's Phoebe's husband, Mike Hannigan. Those are their kids, Heath, he's six, Lillie, she's five and Ryan, who's three. And that's Joey's wife, Juliana. They've got four boys, Nick, Jackson, Christopher and Robby. They're five, four, three and one."
"Wow." Ross marveled, "Joey.a dad?"
Monica laughed, "He's a great father. The best part is they all stayed in the city. There's eleven kids between all of us. It's pretty great. Except that Josh and Gracie are the only ones without a dad. Chandler, Joey and Mike have tried to step in but.they've got their own kids to raise."
Ross nodded, embarrassed, and tried to change the subject, "You've done a great job with this place," he said, "It's so much bigger."
"Yeah, well, two kids and all," she said, smiling, "But.umm, speaking of places, where have you been living?"
"Chicago."
"What's in Chicago?"
"Nothing," Ross said, "It sucked. Don't ever live there, Mon, I'm telling you, it's nothing like New York."
Monica nodded, "Can I ask something?" Ross nodded, "Did Mom and Dad know where you were?"
Ross nodded sheepishly, "Yeah, they did. I saw them a couple times, too."
"Ross," Monica said seriously, "Why didn't you call me? I wouldn't have been mad."
"I don't know," Ross said in a voice that was barely audible, "I've made so many mistakes in the past eight years that not calling you is just a drop in the bucket."
Monica nodded and hastily changed the topic, "You want something to drink?"
"Sure." Ross sat down, "So, where's Chandler?"
"Work," Monica said, "That's where he usually is during the week."
"Right," Ross said, embarrassed. He could barely make conversation with his sister anymore. "So, do you still work?"
"Yeah, but I've got today off," she said, "I don't work as much as I used to. Chandler and I both agreed early on that Zachary and Emma should come home to their mom or dad, not a nanny."
"Chandler sounds like a good father," Ross said.
"He is. And a very good husband." As if on cue, Chandler entered the apartment and walked up to his wife.
"Hey, baby," he said, kissing her gently on the lips. "Hi, Ross," he said, far less gently. It hadn't even been three days since Rachel had talked to Ross on the phone, so feelings were still pretty hostile. "What're you doing here?"
"Just came by to talk to Monica."
"Oh," Chandler said, "Am I interrupting?"
"Nah," Ross said, " I have to leave soon anyway. Mom and Dad wanted to see me."
"Tell them I say hi," Monica said, and Ross left.
"Well, that was uncomfortable.." Chandler said softly.
"It's almost as if we've never met him before."
"I know," Chandler said, shaking his head, "Remember when it was just the six of us? Before the twins were born.when everything was normal? I'd love to go back to then.life was so incredibly simple. Of course," he smiled, "if we did go back to then, there's quite a few things I'd change."
"Such as?"
"Well, I'd ask you out a heck of a lot earlier."
Monica nodded, "Still, those years were pretty good."
That night, Ross went to visit Joey's family. Joey wasn't thrilled to see him, but he went with Rachel's wishes and was civil to him. Joey's wife was out with some friends and Joey had just put his sons to bed. Ross glanced around the living room of Joey's huge, family oriented apartment. "Everything's changed so much," he said, as Joey invited him in to talk, "I can't believe you're a dad."
"Yeah, well," Joey, said, "It was bound to happen eventually."
Ross smiled, "I still can't believe Monica and Chandler got married."
Joey laughed, "Well, after you left, Chandler kind of became Monica's support system. She was dealing with an awful lot, trying to help Rachel, trying to find you, and Chandler offered his shoulder to cry on, constantly. Monica finally realized how great they were together, and Chandler, well, Chandler had liked her for years. I think it took them about two dates to realize they were in love. They're a great couple, but they've been through a lot."
Ross looked at him skeptically. "Like what? They seem perfect, great marriage; two gorgeous kids," he trailed off, remembering that he, also, had had a great marriage and two gorgeous kids.
Joey glared at him. "You know, Ross" he said angrily, "If you had been here you'd know what they've been through together. You'd know that Monica's appendix burst and that she almost died. You'd know that Chandler sat by her hospital bed for four weeks. You'd know they were told Monica would probably never get pregnant, but by some miracle she became pregnant with Emma. You'd know how worried Chandler was her entire pregnancy. You'd know how Monica almost bled to death when Emma was born. You'd know that she can't ever, ever have kids again. You'd know that they waited and hoped for a baby to adopt and they finally found Zachary. You'd know all that, Ross. You missed your sister almost dying not once, but twice. You missed comforting Chandler when they were times the doctors told him he was going to lose his wife. You missed ten births and three weddings."
"Don't you think I know that?" Ross said sadly, " I'm a crappy husband, father, brother and friend. But I can't change the past, Joey. I can't change what I did. But don't ever think I don't regret what I did."
Joey was still breathing heavily, angrily. "Fine," he said, "I just hope you realize everything."
"I do, Joe, I do," Ross said. He tried to change the subject hastily. "So tell me about your kids and your wife."
Joey smiled and sat down, happily diverted. "Juliana's amazing. She and I started dating pretty soon after you left and we got married pretty quickly. She's the most wonderful person and a great mother. She's Italian too and we both wanted a big Italian family. So we just started having kids. My boys," he smiled even broader, "My boys are my life, besides Juli. We're actually thinking of having another baby sometime when the boys are a bit older. Juli would like a little girl."
Ross smiled, "That sounds great. You guys sound like a perfect family."
"Well," said Joey, "We're pretty damn close. Funny you bring up family, Ross, when you destroyed your own." Joey was getting angry again.
"Joey, please." Ross sighed.
"No, Ross, I want to know! I know you cheated on Rachel, but I want to know why you left. It can't just be that. There's got to be another reason!"
Ross was silent for a long time, "Well, there is." he said quietly. "Look," he started, "Rachel's so beautiful and smart and funny and successful. And I.I was holding her back. We weren't happy; Joey, and I could tell she wasn't happy. And I got scared. I'm a coward, okay? I got so scared that I was going to screw up that I ran away so that I never could screw up. I was so terrified at screwing up Gracie or Josh or Ben, even, that I decided it'd be better if I wasn't around to mess them up. Cheating was just a drunken mistake that was the last straw. So I left."
Joey shook his head, "Ross," he said angrily, "We've all felt like that! I was terrified of doing something to Nick when he was born. And you should have seen Chandler with Emma. Obviously there was something scaring you a lot more, but why couldn't you have stayed here? Worked it out with us, or a psychiatrist or something?"
"I don't know," Ross said sadly, "I know I could've. But like I said, I was a big coward. I made the biggest mistake in the world. I thought it would only hurt me and by the time I figured out it wasn't just me I was hurting, it was too late. I was already gone and I didn't figure you guys would forgive me. But when I found out I was dying."
Joey nodded. "I just don't understand, Ross. You should have told me. You should have told someone, anyone."
Ross was crying softly. "I wish I had."
"Then answer one question for me, Ross," Joey asked, and Ross nodded, "Do you still love Rachel? And Josh and Gracie and Ben?"
Ross nodded, "So very, very much."
"Then make these last months count. Even if you're pretending not to be their dad, make these last months count. Especially for Rachel."
Ross nodded. "I'm going to go," he said quietly and got up.
"Think about what I said," Joey instructed.
"Yep," Ross said, and left.
Joey sighed softly. He couldn't help but think that Ross' leaving could have been avoided if Ross had just talked to someone. Joey sat back and reminisced over the years Ross had missed. In some ways, they'd been amazing. He'd found the love of his life, got married and had his children. The same had gone for Phoebe, Monica and Chandler. But there had also been so many horrible things that had happened, especially to Monica, Chandler and Rachel. Joey sighed and pushed those memories away. No one like to think about those memories.