*************************The Fetish*****************
A Seinfeld fan's script by pjazz
2003
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND KATE.
KATE, JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND, IS IN THE BATHROOM REMOVING HER MAKE UP.
KATE
Much as I love being a magician's assistant I do wish I didn't have to wear so much stage make-up. It takes ages to remove. And the constant smiling. Sometimes I think my lips will just fall right off my face from all the smiling.
JERRY
We can't have that. What would I have to kiss?
THEY SMOOCH
KATE
Oh, we'd think of something.
SMOOCH
DOOR BURSTS OPEN. KRAMER ENTERS.
JERRY
Kramer! Don't you ever knock first?
KRAMER
(TO KATE) Hey, I caught your show tonight.
KATE
What did you think?
KRAMER
Oh man, it knocked me out. The bit where the Great Soprendini saws you in half - pow!- knocked me out.
KATE
Thank you, Kramer. And look, no scars.
LIFTS SHIRTS TO SHOW BARE MIDRIFF
JERRY
She's a quick healer.
KRAMER
How's that trick work? Mirrors? Body double?
KATE
That's a secret, I'm afraid. I can tell you one thing. The Great Soprendini?
His real name's Artie Berkowitz.
KRAMER
He's not really from the Mysterious East?
KATE
Not unless you count Hoboken as the Mysterious East.
KRAMER
What about where he puts you in a sealed cabinet and sticks swords through?
How's that done? Rubber blades? Trap door?
KATE
Sorry, Kramer. Magician's Code. I could tell you how it's done, but then I 'd have to kill you.
KRAMER
Whoa, mama!
JERRY
These magician's have got more secrets than the CIA.
BUZZER SOUNDS
JERRY
Yeah?
ELAINE
(BUZZER) It's Elaine.
JERRY
C'mon up.
KATE
I've gotta go. Bye, Jerry.
KRAMER
Hey, I'll walk you to the elevator.
KATE
(LAUGHS) It won't do you any good, Kramer. My lips are sealed.
KRAMER AND KATE LEAVE
ELAINE ENTERS
ELAINE
Hey, check me out. New shoes. Ferragamos. From Milan, Italy.
JERRY
Nice.
ELAINE
No, no. You don't understand, Jerry. They're more than nice. Ferragamos. From Milan. Mi-lan-o! The latest style. And here's the best part. Got 'em one third off wholesale.
JERRY
One third off wholesale. Great deal. What'd you do - sleep with the salesman?
ELAINE
Well, yeah. How'd you know that?
JERRY
Wild stab in the dark.
ELAINE
There's just one small teensy weensy itsy bitsy drawback.
I think he's only interested in my feet.
JERRY
He has a foot fetish?
ELAINE
Ye-ah. Pretty much.
JERRY
Well you see what's happened. You finally slept with all the normal guys in NYC.
Now you're starting on the perverts.
ELAINE
Oh ha ha. And Maxwell isn't a pervert. He says I have the feet of an angel.
JERRY
Feet of an angel? I've heard of the face of an angel, voice of an angel, never the feet of an angel. What do angels need feet for anyway? Don't they have wings and fly everywhere?
ELAINE
So you've never personally found yourself attracted to a woman's feet?
JERRY
Elaine, I have feet. If I want to see feet I look down.There they are. As a rule men are attracted to the body parts women have that men don't.
ELAINE
Well, I'm being broadminded about it. I mean, one third off wholesale. Come on. Like I'm going to blow this freak off with a deal like that.
INT. THEATRE. BACKSTAGE.
IT'S AFTER A MAGIC SHOW. JERRY IS WAITING FOR KATE. HE IS IDLY LOOKING AT SOME OF THE PROPS.
HE NOTICES THE 'SAW THE WOMAN IN HALF' BOX HAS A FALSE BOTTOM.
JERRY
So that's how it's done.
ARTIE, THE GREAT SOPRENDINI, SHOWS UP.
ART
Hey you. This is a restricted area.
JERRY
Jerry Seinfeld. I'm waiting for your assistant, Kate.
KATE ARRIVES
KATE
Jerry, you shouldn't be here.
ART
He saw the trick, Katie. He knows the secret. You know what that means.
KATE
Please, Artie. Not again. Can't you make an exception?
JERRY
Listen, I won't tell anyone. You've got nothing to worry about.
ART
That's right. You're the one with something to worry about, pal. Better watch your back.
ARTIE LEAVES
KATE
Oh Jerry. What have you done.
JERRY
Me? What did I do?
KATE
Didn't you hear me warn Kramer? Magician's guard their secrets, Jerry. To the death.
JERRY
You can't be serious? It's a dumb trick. Who cares how it's done.
KATE
I can't see you anymore, Jerry. I can't bear to lose another...friend.
Tell me, do you have anyone you can stay with outside New York?
JERRY
My parents live in Florida. But come on. Kate, please.
KATE
Go to Florida, Jerry. Stay indoors. I pray it will be enough.
KATE EXITS LEAVING JERRY DUMB-FOUNDED.
INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT.
ELAINE IS RELAXING ON THE COUCH. MAXWELL, HER BOYFRIEND, ARRIVES.
ELAINE
Did you bring the Manolo Blahniks you promised me?
MAX
Patience, babe. They're being shipped from Paris. Any day now.
MAXWELL SITS BESIDE ELAINE. HE BEGINS TO MASSAGE ELAINE'S BARE FEET.
MAX
Hmm, you have the toes of ---
ELAINE
--an angel. Yeah, I know.
MAX
'This little piggy went market, this little piggy stayed home.'
ELAINE
Are you sure you ordered the right size?
MAX
Size 7. 'This little piggy had roast beef, this little piggy had none.'
ELAINE
God, I hope they come soon.
MAX
'And this little piggy went wee wee wee all the way home!'
MAXWELL UNZIPS HIS PANTS.
ELAINE
(SIGHS) Oh boy.
INT. NIGHT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY IS ASLEEP IN BED. THE PHONE RINGS.
JERRY
(GROGGY) Who is it?
VOICE
We know you know.
JERRY
What? Know what? Who is this?
VOICE
You think you can learn our secrets and get away with it? Think again, pal.
JERRY
What do you want from me?
VOICE
Your life.
CALLER HANGS UP
JERRY
Hello? Hello?
INT. MONK'S. JERRY, ELAINE AND KRAMER.
ELAINE
Let me get this straight, Jerry. You think some magician is out to get you because you accidentally found out how some trick works?
JERRY
Uh huh.
ELAINE
Well, it's finally happened. You've totally lost your mind.
JERRY
The phone call in the night, Elaine. I'm a marked man. Kate won't return my calls.
I'm on no sleep. I'm jumping at shadows.
KRAMER
Boy, am I glad Kate kept schtum. I'd be in the same pickle as you, buddy.
JERRY
(SARCASTIC) I'm so pleased for you.
ELAINE
So what you going to do?
JERRY
I'm taking no chances. I've got some protection.
JERRY PATS HIS JACKET
KRAMER
You bought a gun? You're packing heat? Oh man, this is incredible. What make gun d'you get?
Walther PPk? Smith and Wesson? Magnum? Like Dirty Harry ' Go ahead, punk. Make a wish'.
JERRY
Make a wish is not the line. The line is 'Go ahead, punk. Make my day'.
And I didn't buy a gun.
JERRY PRODUCES A TASER
ELAINE
A taser?
KRAMER
Jerry, they're toys. Childrens toys.
JERRY
The man in the shop said it would stop a 200 pound man dead in his tracks
KRAMER
You got taken for a ride, buddy. Here. I'll show you. Zap me.
KRAMER LIFTS HIS SHIRT
JERRY
I don't wanna zap you.
KRAMER
Jerry, it's a child's toy. I won't feel a thing. Zap me.
JERRY
I don't wanna.
KRAMER
Jerry, man. I'm begging you. Zap me.
JERRY
Alright, alright!
JERRY PRESSES THE TASER TO KRAMER'S CHEST.
KRAMER STARTS TO SHAKE.
ELAINE
Kramer, are you okay?
KRAMER
Hoochie, mama!
ELAINE
I think your chest hair's on fire.
KRAMER
You see? Not a thing. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go and extinguish my chest hair.
KRAMER WALKS UNSTEADILY TO THE REST ROOM.
ELAINE
Where's the waitress? How long does it take to serve coffee and a bagel?
JERRY
You seem a little tense.
ELAINE
You'd be tense too, Jerry, if you hadn't had sex for a week.
JERRY
You split up with Maxwell?
ELAINE
No. He's just so fixated on my feet by the time he moves higher up my body he's ...spent.
JERRY
Spent?
ELAINE
Y'know...spent.
JERRY
Ah, spent.
ELAINE
I tell ya, having the feet of an angel ain't all it's cracked up to be.
JERRY
So break up with him.
ELAINE
Not yet. He's getting me these Manolo Blahnik's. From Paris. I'll be the first person in NYC to wear them. But after that - poof! - he's history.
JERRY
Men use women for sex. Women use men for discount shoes. Seems fair.
GEORGE ENTERS. VERY HYPER.
GEORGE
You'll never guess what happened to me today!
JERRY
You discovered the Meaning of Life. It's regular flossing and clean underwear.
GEORGE
It's a miracle. I was running in Central Park.
JERRY
You? Running? That IS a miracle.
ELAINE
What you trying to do - give yourself a heart attack?
GEORGE
I wasn't exercise running. It was nearly 4 o'clock. The hot dog stand closes at 4.
Guess who I ran into - Marisa Tomei.
JERRY
Marisa Tomei the actress?
GEORGE
The one and only.
ELAINE
Didn't she have a thing for you once?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
Apparently she likes quirky bald men. Go figure.
GEORGE
There's no one quirkier or balder than me, Jerry.
ELAINE
You got that right.
GEORGE
Anyway, we got talking. Turns out she's in New York shooting a film with that English actor,
Hugh Grant.
ELAINE
Ooooh! I loo-v-e Hugh Grant. He's such a gentleman.
JERRY
Didn't he get arrested in LA with a hooker in his lap?
ELAINE
Uh huh. A gentleman and a bad boy. An irrisistable combination.
GEORGE
I'm having dinner with Marisa Tomei tomorrow night. She wants to bring Hugh Grant along and make it a foursome. He doesn't have a date so I said I'd ask Elaine.
ELAINE
Me? A date with Hugh Grant? Omigod!
GEORGE
So you'll come?
ELAINE
Try and stop me.
JERRY
What about Maxwell?
ELAINE
Screw that pervert.
GEORGE
Some ground rules. One, no mentioning my late fiancee Susan. I told Marisa she died of an intestinal complaint.
ELAINE
Not that you accidentally poisoned her because you're a cheapskate?
GEORGE
You wanna come or not?
ELAINE
Yes, yes. My lips are sealed.
GEORGE
Two, no mentioning Hugh Grant's little escapade with the hooker in LA. He's very sensitive about it.
ELAINE
George, trust me. I'm the soul of discretion.
JERRY
Except when you're drunk. Then you're the queen of blabbermouths.
GEORGE
This is my shot at dating a movie star. Think of all the great Hollywood romances.
Gable and Lombard. Bogart and Bacall. Now - Costanza and Tomei.
ELAINE
Grant and Benes.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
KRAMER BURSTS IN.
KRAMER
Hey, buddy. How you holding up?
JERRY
What is it with the police in this city? I ask for protection and they want proof my life's being threatened. I could be dead in my bed before they lift a finger.
KRAMER
I talked to my pal Bob Saccamano. He knows a man who has contacts in the magician community. For money he'll call off the hit.
JERRY
Kramer, that's great! Where is he? Take me to him.
CUT TO --
INT. DARKENED APARTMENT. KRAMER, JERRY AND A MYSTERIOUS FIGURE SEATED IN A CORNER.
MYSTERY MAN
So, you want my help calling off a magician's hit? Hmmm, tricky.
KRAMER
Can you do it?
MYSTERY MAN
Oh, I can do many things, my friend. I'm extremely...versatile.
JERRY
Wait a minute. I know that voice.
JERRY TURNS THE LIGHT ON TO REVEAL NEWMAN.
JERRY
Newman!
NEWMAN
Hello, Jerry.
JERRY
What do you know about magic?
NEWMAN
Quite a bit, actually. Before I became a mailman I was known as 'The Amazing Newman and his Performing Doves.' Oh, I played everywhere. Vegas, Atlantic City, Miami Beach.
KRAMER
Why'd you quit?
NEWMAN
I had a little accident involving the doves.
JERRY
What sort of accident?
NEWMAN
I was in the mid west. The takeaways were all closed. No room service. I got... peckish.
JERRY
You ate the doves?
NEWMAN
With some fava beans and a nice Chianti.(SLURPS) Delicious.
KRAMER
But you can help Jerry out, right?
NEWMAN
Oh yes. I still have contacts. Ironic isn't it, Seinfeld, that I should be the one to save your miserable skin. I, Newman, should stand between you and an early grave.
JERRY
Yeah. Real ironic. What's it gonna cost?
NEWMAN
500 dollars.
JERRY
You're out of your mind.
NEWMAN
300.
JERRY
200.
NEWMAN
Alright, alright! But know this, Seinfeld, every birthday you celebrate you owe to me.
Every Christmas. Every New Year. How's that for a magic trick. Hahhahahahahah!
NEWMAN CACKLES MADLY.
INT. DAY. ELAINE'S APARTMENT. ELAINE AND MAXWELL.
MAX
Here's your Blahniks, babe. Am I good or what?
ELAINE
Oooh!
ELAINE TEARS OPEN THE BOX AND TRIES ON THE SHOES.
ELAINE
They're beautiful.
MAX
Since I did this for you, Elaine, perhaps you can do something for me? Walk on me.
ELAINE
Walk on you? Isn't that a bit... kinky.
MAX
C'mon, Elaine. We're both consenting adults. Wait a sec while I take off my shirt.
MAXWELL REMOVES HIS SHIRT AND LIES ON THE FLOOR.
MAX
Okay. Ready.
ELAINE, STILL WEARING HER SHOES, WALKS ON MAXWELL.
HE SCREAMS IN PAIN.
MAX
Aaaarggh! What the hell d'you think you're doing?
ELAINE
Walking on you. Like you wanted.
MAX
Barefoot, you imbecile! Not in shoes. They're 4 inch heels, for crying out loud.
What, are you insane? You could have pierced my heart.
God, it hurts.
ELAINE
I'll get an aspirin.
MAX
An aspirin? I'm in agony. I think you broke my ribs, you dumb bitch. Call 911.
INT. DAY. HOSPITAL.
MAXWELL IS IN BED, SEDATED. ELAINE SITS BY HIS BEDSIDE.
THE DOOR OPENS. MAXWELL'S PARENTS ENTER.
MA
My Maxie! My poor baby!
PA
Son. Speak to me, son.
ELAINE
Uh, he's sedated. Are you Maxwell's parents?
MA
Who's she?
PA
Must be Maxie's floozie. She looks the type. Look at her hair.
ELAINE BRUSHES HER HAIR SELFCONCIOUSLY.
MA
What happened to my beautiful baby boy?
ELAINE
He has 3 broken ribs. The doctor said he'll be fine. But he needs rest.
MA
3 broken ribs? Did someone attack my Maxie? Was he in a fight?
ELAINE
Not strictly speaking, no.
PA
Who would do such a thing?
ELAINE
(BLURTS GUILTILY) I didn't mean to. It was an accident!
MA
You? You did this to my little boy?
PA
Because he didn't pay enough for your 'services'?
ELAINE
Hey, watch it, buster. Your son was the one wanted me to walk on him.
MA
You walked on my son? What kind of sick person are you?
ELAINE
Your son asked me, begged, begged me to walk on him. He's the sicko.
PA
You're not too old to put over my knee and spank, missy.
ELAINE
Listen, I gotta go. When Maxwell wakes up could you tell him Elaine said she's really really sorry.
MA
I'll tell my son his whore was here. But she'll never come near him again.
Not if she knows what's good for her.
ELAINE
Oo-kay. That ought to do it. Nice meeting you both.
THE DOOR SLAMS IN ELAINE'S FACE.
INT. BAR.
BARTENDER
What'll it be?
ELAINE
Schnapps. Better make it a double. It's been a rough day.
INT. EVENING. CLASSY NYC RESTAURANT.
GEORGE, MARISA TOMEI AND HUGH GRANT ARE SEATED WAITING FOR ELAINE TO ARRIVE.
GEORGE
She's usually so punctual. Must be the traffic.
ELAINE ARRIVES. SHE'S VERY DRUNK.
GEORGE
(GETS UP TO GREET HER) Elaine, where have you been? You're 20 minutes late.
ELAINE
Hey, Georgie boy!
GEORGE
Have you been drinking?
ELAINE
No-oo-ooo-ooooo! It'll be our itty bitty secret.
GEORGE
Marisa. Hugh. This is Elaine. Elaine, Marisa and Hugh.
MARISA
Hi.
HUGH
Jolly nice to meet you.
ELAINE
Omigod! You look just like Hugh Grant.
HUGH
Um, so people tell me.
GEORGE
Oh ha ha ha! Good one, Hugh.
ELAINE
I've seen all your movies. You know my favourite?
HUGH
Um, no idea. Frightfully sorry.
ELAINE
What's it called? It's on the tip of my tongue.... The one where you're in a car with a black woman and you both get arrested by the cops. What is it called?
Ow! George, you kicked me!
HUGH
Let's, um, order some wine, shall we?
George, what's your poison?
ELAINE
Poison? No-oo-oo! George didn't poison his fiancee. The glue on the wedding invites was toxic. 'Course, it was George's fault, but hoody doody.
Ow! George, you kicked me again!
MARISA
Is this true, George? You poisoned your fiancee?
GEORGE
Technically, in a manner of speaking....
MARISA
I'm leaving. Hugh?
HUGH
Oh, uh, right. Cheerio.
MARISA AND HUGH LEAVE.
GEORGE
You had to ruin it, didn't you. My one shot at a Hollywood romance my entire life.
And you ruined it. All you had to do was make nice with Hugh Grant.
But no, little Miss Benes has to open her big mouth.
ELAINE
George....
GEORGE
Y'know who walked in this restaurant, Elaine? Winner George. Winner George with a beautiful movie star on his arm and hope in his heart. Y'know who's leaving? Loser George. Loser George, no movie star, no hope, nada.
ELAINE
George, I don't feel too good...
GEORGE
At least there's nothing left you can do to me can make me feel any worse.
ELAINE
I think I'm going to ----
ELAINE VOMITS IN GEORGE'S LAP.
GEORGE
Goddammit!
SCENE FREEZES
MUSIC
CREDITS
THE END
Enjoy the script? Why not let me know at pjazzer2000@yahoo.co.uk
Or post a review at fanfiction.net
A Seinfeld fan's script by pjazz
2003
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND KATE.
KATE, JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND, IS IN THE BATHROOM REMOVING HER MAKE UP.
KATE
Much as I love being a magician's assistant I do wish I didn't have to wear so much stage make-up. It takes ages to remove. And the constant smiling. Sometimes I think my lips will just fall right off my face from all the smiling.
JERRY
We can't have that. What would I have to kiss?
THEY SMOOCH
KATE
Oh, we'd think of something.
SMOOCH
DOOR BURSTS OPEN. KRAMER ENTERS.
JERRY
Kramer! Don't you ever knock first?
KRAMER
(TO KATE) Hey, I caught your show tonight.
KATE
What did you think?
KRAMER
Oh man, it knocked me out. The bit where the Great Soprendini saws you in half - pow!- knocked me out.
KATE
Thank you, Kramer. And look, no scars.
LIFTS SHIRTS TO SHOW BARE MIDRIFF
JERRY
She's a quick healer.
KRAMER
How's that trick work? Mirrors? Body double?
KATE
That's a secret, I'm afraid. I can tell you one thing. The Great Soprendini?
His real name's Artie Berkowitz.
KRAMER
He's not really from the Mysterious East?
KATE
Not unless you count Hoboken as the Mysterious East.
KRAMER
What about where he puts you in a sealed cabinet and sticks swords through?
How's that done? Rubber blades? Trap door?
KATE
Sorry, Kramer. Magician's Code. I could tell you how it's done, but then I 'd have to kill you.
KRAMER
Whoa, mama!
JERRY
These magician's have got more secrets than the CIA.
BUZZER SOUNDS
JERRY
Yeah?
ELAINE
(BUZZER) It's Elaine.
JERRY
C'mon up.
KATE
I've gotta go. Bye, Jerry.
KRAMER
Hey, I'll walk you to the elevator.
KATE
(LAUGHS) It won't do you any good, Kramer. My lips are sealed.
KRAMER AND KATE LEAVE
ELAINE ENTERS
ELAINE
Hey, check me out. New shoes. Ferragamos. From Milan, Italy.
JERRY
Nice.
ELAINE
No, no. You don't understand, Jerry. They're more than nice. Ferragamos. From Milan. Mi-lan-o! The latest style. And here's the best part. Got 'em one third off wholesale.
JERRY
One third off wholesale. Great deal. What'd you do - sleep with the salesman?
ELAINE
Well, yeah. How'd you know that?
JERRY
Wild stab in the dark.
ELAINE
There's just one small teensy weensy itsy bitsy drawback.
I think he's only interested in my feet.
JERRY
He has a foot fetish?
ELAINE
Ye-ah. Pretty much.
JERRY
Well you see what's happened. You finally slept with all the normal guys in NYC.
Now you're starting on the perverts.
ELAINE
Oh ha ha. And Maxwell isn't a pervert. He says I have the feet of an angel.
JERRY
Feet of an angel? I've heard of the face of an angel, voice of an angel, never the feet of an angel. What do angels need feet for anyway? Don't they have wings and fly everywhere?
ELAINE
So you've never personally found yourself attracted to a woman's feet?
JERRY
Elaine, I have feet. If I want to see feet I look down.There they are. As a rule men are attracted to the body parts women have that men don't.
ELAINE
Well, I'm being broadminded about it. I mean, one third off wholesale. Come on. Like I'm going to blow this freak off with a deal like that.
INT. THEATRE. BACKSTAGE.
IT'S AFTER A MAGIC SHOW. JERRY IS WAITING FOR KATE. HE IS IDLY LOOKING AT SOME OF THE PROPS.
HE NOTICES THE 'SAW THE WOMAN IN HALF' BOX HAS A FALSE BOTTOM.
JERRY
So that's how it's done.
ARTIE, THE GREAT SOPRENDINI, SHOWS UP.
ART
Hey you. This is a restricted area.
JERRY
Jerry Seinfeld. I'm waiting for your assistant, Kate.
KATE ARRIVES
KATE
Jerry, you shouldn't be here.
ART
He saw the trick, Katie. He knows the secret. You know what that means.
KATE
Please, Artie. Not again. Can't you make an exception?
JERRY
Listen, I won't tell anyone. You've got nothing to worry about.
ART
That's right. You're the one with something to worry about, pal. Better watch your back.
ARTIE LEAVES
KATE
Oh Jerry. What have you done.
JERRY
Me? What did I do?
KATE
Didn't you hear me warn Kramer? Magician's guard their secrets, Jerry. To the death.
JERRY
You can't be serious? It's a dumb trick. Who cares how it's done.
KATE
I can't see you anymore, Jerry. I can't bear to lose another...friend.
Tell me, do you have anyone you can stay with outside New York?
JERRY
My parents live in Florida. But come on. Kate, please.
KATE
Go to Florida, Jerry. Stay indoors. I pray it will be enough.
KATE EXITS LEAVING JERRY DUMB-FOUNDED.
INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT.
ELAINE IS RELAXING ON THE COUCH. MAXWELL, HER BOYFRIEND, ARRIVES.
ELAINE
Did you bring the Manolo Blahniks you promised me?
MAX
Patience, babe. They're being shipped from Paris. Any day now.
MAXWELL SITS BESIDE ELAINE. HE BEGINS TO MASSAGE ELAINE'S BARE FEET.
MAX
Hmm, you have the toes of ---
ELAINE
--an angel. Yeah, I know.
MAX
'This little piggy went market, this little piggy stayed home.'
ELAINE
Are you sure you ordered the right size?
MAX
Size 7. 'This little piggy had roast beef, this little piggy had none.'
ELAINE
God, I hope they come soon.
MAX
'And this little piggy went wee wee wee all the way home!'
MAXWELL UNZIPS HIS PANTS.
ELAINE
(SIGHS) Oh boy.
INT. NIGHT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY IS ASLEEP IN BED. THE PHONE RINGS.
JERRY
(GROGGY) Who is it?
VOICE
We know you know.
JERRY
What? Know what? Who is this?
VOICE
You think you can learn our secrets and get away with it? Think again, pal.
JERRY
What do you want from me?
VOICE
Your life.
CALLER HANGS UP
JERRY
Hello? Hello?
INT. MONK'S. JERRY, ELAINE AND KRAMER.
ELAINE
Let me get this straight, Jerry. You think some magician is out to get you because you accidentally found out how some trick works?
JERRY
Uh huh.
ELAINE
Well, it's finally happened. You've totally lost your mind.
JERRY
The phone call in the night, Elaine. I'm a marked man. Kate won't return my calls.
I'm on no sleep. I'm jumping at shadows.
KRAMER
Boy, am I glad Kate kept schtum. I'd be in the same pickle as you, buddy.
JERRY
(SARCASTIC) I'm so pleased for you.
ELAINE
So what you going to do?
JERRY
I'm taking no chances. I've got some protection.
JERRY PATS HIS JACKET
KRAMER
You bought a gun? You're packing heat? Oh man, this is incredible. What make gun d'you get?
Walther PPk? Smith and Wesson? Magnum? Like Dirty Harry ' Go ahead, punk. Make a wish'.
JERRY
Make a wish is not the line. The line is 'Go ahead, punk. Make my day'.
And I didn't buy a gun.
JERRY PRODUCES A TASER
ELAINE
A taser?
KRAMER
Jerry, they're toys. Childrens toys.
JERRY
The man in the shop said it would stop a 200 pound man dead in his tracks
KRAMER
You got taken for a ride, buddy. Here. I'll show you. Zap me.
KRAMER LIFTS HIS SHIRT
JERRY
I don't wanna zap you.
KRAMER
Jerry, it's a child's toy. I won't feel a thing. Zap me.
JERRY
I don't wanna.
KRAMER
Jerry, man. I'm begging you. Zap me.
JERRY
Alright, alright!
JERRY PRESSES THE TASER TO KRAMER'S CHEST.
KRAMER STARTS TO SHAKE.
ELAINE
Kramer, are you okay?
KRAMER
Hoochie, mama!
ELAINE
I think your chest hair's on fire.
KRAMER
You see? Not a thing. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go and extinguish my chest hair.
KRAMER WALKS UNSTEADILY TO THE REST ROOM.
ELAINE
Where's the waitress? How long does it take to serve coffee and a bagel?
JERRY
You seem a little tense.
ELAINE
You'd be tense too, Jerry, if you hadn't had sex for a week.
JERRY
You split up with Maxwell?
ELAINE
No. He's just so fixated on my feet by the time he moves higher up my body he's ...spent.
JERRY
Spent?
ELAINE
Y'know...spent.
JERRY
Ah, spent.
ELAINE
I tell ya, having the feet of an angel ain't all it's cracked up to be.
JERRY
So break up with him.
ELAINE
Not yet. He's getting me these Manolo Blahnik's. From Paris. I'll be the first person in NYC to wear them. But after that - poof! - he's history.
JERRY
Men use women for sex. Women use men for discount shoes. Seems fair.
GEORGE ENTERS. VERY HYPER.
GEORGE
You'll never guess what happened to me today!
JERRY
You discovered the Meaning of Life. It's regular flossing and clean underwear.
GEORGE
It's a miracle. I was running in Central Park.
JERRY
You? Running? That IS a miracle.
ELAINE
What you trying to do - give yourself a heart attack?
GEORGE
I wasn't exercise running. It was nearly 4 o'clock. The hot dog stand closes at 4.
Guess who I ran into - Marisa Tomei.
JERRY
Marisa Tomei the actress?
GEORGE
The one and only.
ELAINE
Didn't she have a thing for you once?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
Apparently she likes quirky bald men. Go figure.
GEORGE
There's no one quirkier or balder than me, Jerry.
ELAINE
You got that right.
GEORGE
Anyway, we got talking. Turns out she's in New York shooting a film with that English actor,
Hugh Grant.
ELAINE
Ooooh! I loo-v-e Hugh Grant. He's such a gentleman.
JERRY
Didn't he get arrested in LA with a hooker in his lap?
ELAINE
Uh huh. A gentleman and a bad boy. An irrisistable combination.
GEORGE
I'm having dinner with Marisa Tomei tomorrow night. She wants to bring Hugh Grant along and make it a foursome. He doesn't have a date so I said I'd ask Elaine.
ELAINE
Me? A date with Hugh Grant? Omigod!
GEORGE
So you'll come?
ELAINE
Try and stop me.
JERRY
What about Maxwell?
ELAINE
Screw that pervert.
GEORGE
Some ground rules. One, no mentioning my late fiancee Susan. I told Marisa she died of an intestinal complaint.
ELAINE
Not that you accidentally poisoned her because you're a cheapskate?
GEORGE
You wanna come or not?
ELAINE
Yes, yes. My lips are sealed.
GEORGE
Two, no mentioning Hugh Grant's little escapade with the hooker in LA. He's very sensitive about it.
ELAINE
George, trust me. I'm the soul of discretion.
JERRY
Except when you're drunk. Then you're the queen of blabbermouths.
GEORGE
This is my shot at dating a movie star. Think of all the great Hollywood romances.
Gable and Lombard. Bogart and Bacall. Now - Costanza and Tomei.
ELAINE
Grant and Benes.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
KRAMER BURSTS IN.
KRAMER
Hey, buddy. How you holding up?
JERRY
What is it with the police in this city? I ask for protection and they want proof my life's being threatened. I could be dead in my bed before they lift a finger.
KRAMER
I talked to my pal Bob Saccamano. He knows a man who has contacts in the magician community. For money he'll call off the hit.
JERRY
Kramer, that's great! Where is he? Take me to him.
CUT TO --
INT. DARKENED APARTMENT. KRAMER, JERRY AND A MYSTERIOUS FIGURE SEATED IN A CORNER.
MYSTERY MAN
So, you want my help calling off a magician's hit? Hmmm, tricky.
KRAMER
Can you do it?
MYSTERY MAN
Oh, I can do many things, my friend. I'm extremely...versatile.
JERRY
Wait a minute. I know that voice.
JERRY TURNS THE LIGHT ON TO REVEAL NEWMAN.
JERRY
Newman!
NEWMAN
Hello, Jerry.
JERRY
What do you know about magic?
NEWMAN
Quite a bit, actually. Before I became a mailman I was known as 'The Amazing Newman and his Performing Doves.' Oh, I played everywhere. Vegas, Atlantic City, Miami Beach.
KRAMER
Why'd you quit?
NEWMAN
I had a little accident involving the doves.
JERRY
What sort of accident?
NEWMAN
I was in the mid west. The takeaways were all closed. No room service. I got... peckish.
JERRY
You ate the doves?
NEWMAN
With some fava beans and a nice Chianti.(SLURPS) Delicious.
KRAMER
But you can help Jerry out, right?
NEWMAN
Oh yes. I still have contacts. Ironic isn't it, Seinfeld, that I should be the one to save your miserable skin. I, Newman, should stand between you and an early grave.
JERRY
Yeah. Real ironic. What's it gonna cost?
NEWMAN
500 dollars.
JERRY
You're out of your mind.
NEWMAN
300.
JERRY
200.
NEWMAN
Alright, alright! But know this, Seinfeld, every birthday you celebrate you owe to me.
Every Christmas. Every New Year. How's that for a magic trick. Hahhahahahahah!
NEWMAN CACKLES MADLY.
INT. DAY. ELAINE'S APARTMENT. ELAINE AND MAXWELL.
MAX
Here's your Blahniks, babe. Am I good or what?
ELAINE
Oooh!
ELAINE TEARS OPEN THE BOX AND TRIES ON THE SHOES.
ELAINE
They're beautiful.
MAX
Since I did this for you, Elaine, perhaps you can do something for me? Walk on me.
ELAINE
Walk on you? Isn't that a bit... kinky.
MAX
C'mon, Elaine. We're both consenting adults. Wait a sec while I take off my shirt.
MAXWELL REMOVES HIS SHIRT AND LIES ON THE FLOOR.
MAX
Okay. Ready.
ELAINE, STILL WEARING HER SHOES, WALKS ON MAXWELL.
HE SCREAMS IN PAIN.
MAX
Aaaarggh! What the hell d'you think you're doing?
ELAINE
Walking on you. Like you wanted.
MAX
Barefoot, you imbecile! Not in shoes. They're 4 inch heels, for crying out loud.
What, are you insane? You could have pierced my heart.
God, it hurts.
ELAINE
I'll get an aspirin.
MAX
An aspirin? I'm in agony. I think you broke my ribs, you dumb bitch. Call 911.
INT. DAY. HOSPITAL.
MAXWELL IS IN BED, SEDATED. ELAINE SITS BY HIS BEDSIDE.
THE DOOR OPENS. MAXWELL'S PARENTS ENTER.
MA
My Maxie! My poor baby!
PA
Son. Speak to me, son.
ELAINE
Uh, he's sedated. Are you Maxwell's parents?
MA
Who's she?
PA
Must be Maxie's floozie. She looks the type. Look at her hair.
ELAINE BRUSHES HER HAIR SELFCONCIOUSLY.
MA
What happened to my beautiful baby boy?
ELAINE
He has 3 broken ribs. The doctor said he'll be fine. But he needs rest.
MA
3 broken ribs? Did someone attack my Maxie? Was he in a fight?
ELAINE
Not strictly speaking, no.
PA
Who would do such a thing?
ELAINE
(BLURTS GUILTILY) I didn't mean to. It was an accident!
MA
You? You did this to my little boy?
PA
Because he didn't pay enough for your 'services'?
ELAINE
Hey, watch it, buster. Your son was the one wanted me to walk on him.
MA
You walked on my son? What kind of sick person are you?
ELAINE
Your son asked me, begged, begged me to walk on him. He's the sicko.
PA
You're not too old to put over my knee and spank, missy.
ELAINE
Listen, I gotta go. When Maxwell wakes up could you tell him Elaine said she's really really sorry.
MA
I'll tell my son his whore was here. But she'll never come near him again.
Not if she knows what's good for her.
ELAINE
Oo-kay. That ought to do it. Nice meeting you both.
THE DOOR SLAMS IN ELAINE'S FACE.
INT. BAR.
BARTENDER
What'll it be?
ELAINE
Schnapps. Better make it a double. It's been a rough day.
INT. EVENING. CLASSY NYC RESTAURANT.
GEORGE, MARISA TOMEI AND HUGH GRANT ARE SEATED WAITING FOR ELAINE TO ARRIVE.
GEORGE
She's usually so punctual. Must be the traffic.
ELAINE ARRIVES. SHE'S VERY DRUNK.
GEORGE
(GETS UP TO GREET HER) Elaine, where have you been? You're 20 minutes late.
ELAINE
Hey, Georgie boy!
GEORGE
Have you been drinking?
ELAINE
No-oo-ooo-ooooo! It'll be our itty bitty secret.
GEORGE
Marisa. Hugh. This is Elaine. Elaine, Marisa and Hugh.
MARISA
Hi.
HUGH
Jolly nice to meet you.
ELAINE
Omigod! You look just like Hugh Grant.
HUGH
Um, so people tell me.
GEORGE
Oh ha ha ha! Good one, Hugh.
ELAINE
I've seen all your movies. You know my favourite?
HUGH
Um, no idea. Frightfully sorry.
ELAINE
What's it called? It's on the tip of my tongue.... The one where you're in a car with a black woman and you both get arrested by the cops. What is it called?
Ow! George, you kicked me!
HUGH
Let's, um, order some wine, shall we?
George, what's your poison?
ELAINE
Poison? No-oo-oo! George didn't poison his fiancee. The glue on the wedding invites was toxic. 'Course, it was George's fault, but hoody doody.
Ow! George, you kicked me again!
MARISA
Is this true, George? You poisoned your fiancee?
GEORGE
Technically, in a manner of speaking....
MARISA
I'm leaving. Hugh?
HUGH
Oh, uh, right. Cheerio.
MARISA AND HUGH LEAVE.
GEORGE
You had to ruin it, didn't you. My one shot at a Hollywood romance my entire life.
And you ruined it. All you had to do was make nice with Hugh Grant.
But no, little Miss Benes has to open her big mouth.
ELAINE
George....
GEORGE
Y'know who walked in this restaurant, Elaine? Winner George. Winner George with a beautiful movie star on his arm and hope in his heart. Y'know who's leaving? Loser George. Loser George, no movie star, no hope, nada.
ELAINE
George, I don't feel too good...
GEORGE
At least there's nothing left you can do to me can make me feel any worse.
ELAINE
I think I'm going to ----
ELAINE VOMITS IN GEORGE'S LAP.
GEORGE
Goddammit!
SCENE FREEZES
MUSIC
CREDITS
THE END
Enjoy the script? Why not let me know at pjazzer2000@yahoo.co.uk
Or post a review at fanfiction.net