Disclaimer: I don't own HP or any of these characters. That belongs to JKR, Scholastic Books, Warner Brothers, etc.
I hate it when we're fighting.
It doesn't happen often, thank god, but neither of us is perfect and so together we're still slightly imperfect. Of course we fight and I hate it when we do. Yet as much as I wish that we'd never argue again, something always seems to come up and suddenly I'm not speaking to you.
I hate it when I'm not talking to you.
I need to hear the sound of your voice, love. I need to hear you say "Good Morning" in that way that's so you and lets me know you love me too. I need to hear you offering me my morning cup. I need to hear you say good-bye before one of us leaves. It's these words we exchange that help me through the worst of days. That's why it's so stupid of me to get angry with you and then ignore you as if our problems will just fade away.
I want to make up with you, love. I always do. Yet when you enter the room, something happens and my mind fogs up. I want to talk but all I can think is that you won't listen to me because you're such a stubborn fool and I get angry all over again.
I should remember that I'm the fool that loves you.
I should remember that love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful and it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way but rejoices in the right. That's been my favorite description of love for as long as I can remember. I should be true to it more often and I should be able to make up with you. Yet I know that if I should speak with you now, chances are I wouldn't be able to forgive and forget. Chances are I'd only wind up hurting you more and that's the last thing I want to do.
That's why I left the room so quickly after you arrived. I wanted so much to spend time with you but I knew it wouldn't work. Not right now, not when the memories of the spat we had last night are still so fresh in our minds. I could be civil perhaps but I should be so much more than just that and so I left the room to think and calm down.
I found your letter almost as soon as I sat down. Something to read when you can't talk to me, the note on it had read and that's the situation I'm in right now. So I read it and wept. How can you love me so? Even when you're angry with me, you still manage to find some small way of comforting me. I wish I were good enough to deserve you.
What really got me that it's not fair that I have a few words to comfort me when you have nothing at all. I suspect that you had put out the letter after I had left early for work this morning. It would be so like you to do such a thing. You're angry too but still you find it in your heart to console me as best you can. Perhaps you can't speak with me as well, without remembering our last fight, but you love me enough to let me know it in other ways. I love you more than enough to do the same.
I just wish I loved you enough to never fight again.
I can't be so sure of myself so instead I'm putting my thoughts into words for you to read when I refuse to speak. I hope you never read this, love, but I know you will. So let me tell you what I should have told you in the beginning—I love you. I love you more than you can possibly imagine. I love you more than I can imagine for even now I can't fully comprehend the depths of what's between us. I love being in love with you. Loving you makes me a better person. You make me a better person. You challenge me to grow and I hope I'll always meet that challenge. I need to have you love me. Your love is what sustains me, for without love, I am nothing. I wouldn't be the person I am if it weren't for you. I'd still be here in this world but I'd be someone lesser—someone less sure of herself, someone more nervous, someone less mindful of what others may be feeling. If I didn't have you, the world would still continue to exist, but it wouldn't be the same. That's something too obvious for me to say aloud but it's still true. The sun would still be as bright, the grass would still be as green, but Hermione would not be as Hermione if she didn't have her Harry.
I love you.
I think I remember the night you wrote that letter. I had woken up the minute you left my side. I can sleep without you, love, but I never want to and I always can tell when you leave the bed before me. I hate it when you do that. I wish if you woke up, you'd wake me rather than leaving. Sometimes I follow you out of bed but other times I just watch you. Sometimes I think you need some time alone, some space to breathe, some air without me. So I give you that space and let you be because I know that no matter what happens, you'll always come back to me.
That's not the reason why, however, I stayed in bed and watched you that night.
I did it because I love watching you. I love watching you when you're happy, when that grin of yours covers your face and makes me smile too. I love watching you when you're puzzled, when I've figured something out before you and your face crinkles just so as you try to catch up. I love watching you when you're tired, when your eyes keep closing but you keep snapping them open again in a vain attempt to stay awake. I even love watching you when you're sad, when you can't seem to smile and I can see those tears you're holding back.
I like it best however when I'm watching you loving me. It's not just when you're loving me, in that most intimate of ways, with your green eyes burning with desire as you thrust your way ever deeper into me as we reach for the heavens. I cherish those moments. I won't ever be able to get enough of you. But though I treasure those times when we're joined together in every single possible way, I love those times when you love me in different ways just as well. I love watching you tease me with that smirk I know so well. I love watching you when you're worried, when you think I haven't had enough rest and I need more sleep. I love watching you think of me, when you think I'm not looking. So it came to no surprise to me that I love watching you writing to me, with your brow furrowed in thought and your long, elegant fingers moving so gracefully across that piece of parchment.
There are so many things I love about you. I could spend all night and more detailing every one of them for you. There are some things, nonetheless, that I can't like. Actually, there's only one thing that really gets to me, that I can honestly say I hate.
I hate it when you put your life in danger.
****
Hermione blinked her eyes open determinedly. She had to stay awake until Harry came down. She had to convince him that she was right now before it became too late. She had already marshaled all of her logic to lay out her arguments in the best possible light. All that remained was for him to come down the stairs and for her to present them to him
She hoped against hope that it would be enough.
Soft yet steady footsteps told her that someone was making their way down the stairs. She got up to stand in the middle of the Common Room and waited. If it were Harry, she would have the talk she had been meaning to have with him since before the school term started. If it were someone else, she'd just sit back down again and wait some more.
She could see his eyes before anything else, two bright points of light in the grey of the early morn. She heaved a sigh of relief that she wouldn't have to wait any longer. She could see the last vestiges of sleep slowly releasing their hold on Harry as he came into focus. She saw his eyes widen as he recognized just who was waiting for him.
"Good morning, Harry," she greeted him softly, "Can we talk?"
"Of course," he replied. "But can we make it quick? I do have to get to practice, you know."
"That's what I want to talk about."
Harry was surprised at Hermione's words. Since when did she ever want to talk about Quidditch? She still had yet to figure out that there was no such thing as a "Wonky Faint." Cautiously, he said, "What about it?"
She took a deep breath before responding. "I think you should give it up, Harry."
He jumped up slightly, startled from such a drastic proposition. "And why do you think that? You know that flying's my favorite thing to do!"
She sighed. She knew he would respond that way but that hadn't stopped her. This was too important. "I'm not saying that you should give up flying. I'm just saying that you should give up playing Quidditch. It takes up so much of your time, you know and you have better things to be doing."
"Perhaps I don't want to be doing other things." His chin stuck out stubbornly as he stared straight into her eyes. "This is something I want to do, Hermione."
"I know. You know that I do. But think about it objectively, Harry. We have our N.E.W.T.s this year to study for. That's going to take a lot of time and you'll do much better if you can concentrate on them. You also have to worry about You-Know-Who. I hate to think about it but we all know he's going to come after you again. You'd do better to spend your time with extra Defense Against the Dark Arts lessons instead of playing that stupid game. If you weigh all of the factors together, you'll see that it's just not worth it."
"I don't think it's a stupid game at all and neither does most of Hogwarts. Just because you can't appreciate it, doesn't mean that it's worthless. And might I remind you that every game we win means more points for Gryffindor. We need those points, Hermione, especially with all the points that you know Snape is going to take off. If you don't have anything else to say, then I have a practice to get to." Steamed that she had the audacity to suggest such a thing, Harry turned away from her and began to walk off.
She grabbed his arm before he could even walk five paces. "You can't do it, Harry!" she exclaimed, with tears rolling down her cheeks. "It's too dangerous, you can get hurt so easily so you should just stop!"
He hated to see her cry so he brought her into an embrace and calmly stroke her hair in an attempt to get her to stop. "Don't cry," he whispered. "You worry too much. I won't get hurt."
"You can't promise that, Harry Potter." She pulled back so she could glare at him. "You've been hurt before and you know perfectly well you could get hurt again. You should just quit and work on more important things, things that can keep you safe later if you have to face him."
"I'm not going to quit, Hermione. I'm sorry if that would make you happy but I'm not going to do it. Remember what you told me last year? That if I change my life, if I stop doing the things I love to do or being with the friends I love to be with, then I'm letting Voldemort win? That's the same thing here. If I quit so I can spend my time on extra lessons, then he's won. You didn't want me to give in then and you shouldn't want me to do that now."
"It's not the same," she insisted. "It's one thing to be friends with me. I'm not a danger to you one way or the other. I would never hurt you. Quidditch is different. You can get hurt playing that game. You could die chasing that stupid stupid golden snitch! It's not the same, you wouldn't be giving in and you know it!"
"So what you're saying is that I should quit not to spend more time studying but because it isn't safe."
"That's exactly it. I can't stand to see you in danger, Harry. It kills me to watch you play that game."
"I'm sorry you feel that way. I wish you wouldn't worry about me like that." Harry sighed. He did hate making Hermione worry but there was no way he was going to give up his position as Seeker. "Let me put it to you this way. I don't want to be always safe. No, don't open your mouth and ask if I always want Voldemort after me. You know the answer is no. But I don't want to stop doing things I love just because they might not be safe. A little danger is perfectly fine with me. I know that I can fall off my broomstick, I could get hit hard with bludgers, that I could get hurt in a hundred different ways. I don't want to be hurt but that's a risk I'm willing to take. I don't want to be smothered, Hermione. I don't want to be wrapped up in some kind of protective cocoon where nothing could ever hurt me. That wouldn't be living, if you ask me. I want to live my life and enjoy it and if that means taking risks, then so be it. You told me last year that your life was your own and it's your choice in how you to spend it. Well, my life is my own as well and I don't want to spend it too scared to even step outside. I won't ask you to not to worry although I don't want you to because you're Hermione and that's what you do. So please don't ask me not to play even though it's dangerous because I'm Harry and that's what I do."
She couldn't deny the truth of what he was saying. So she backed out of his embrace and said, "Have fun."
"I will. And I will come back."
****
I still don't like it when you do things like that. I still hate it when you knowingly place yourself in danger, no matter what your motives might be. I want you safe more than anything else.
That's not what you want and so we've come to a compromise about that.
If I can't have my wish for you to be safe and if you can't have your wish for me not to worry, at least we can promise we'll be together.
If I think about it, that's what I want most of all.
****
Harry's throat tightened as he watched Hermione finish reading her letter. He had been dreading this moment ever since that letter had arrived from Bulgaria. He knew that Hermione longed for a chance to teach Charms to younger wizards and witches. She had just been handed that chance and he was so afraid he was about to fall in second place.
She put the letter down with a sigh and glanced over at him. Without even pausing to think, she said, "I'm not taking it."
"Why not?" Those words slipped from his mouth before he could stop them. Harry wanted to take them back but then again, he didn't want her giving up any of her dreams for him. "It's the perfect position. I know you've been looking to teach ever since we left Hogwarts."
"I have," Hermione clenched her hands to her side to stop them from betraying her by shaking. "I do want to teach but not more than anything else. If I went to Durmstrang, I couldn't be with you."
"Just because we wouldn't be in the same country, doesn't mean that we'd have to break up. Long distance relationships are possible, you know. We'd be able to see each other on weekends." Even as he made that suggestion, Harry inwardly grimaced. The prospect of seeing Hermione only two days out of the week was not appealing in the slightest.
"I don't want to do that. That would be so hard to stand, Harry. You know Lavender tried to keep up her relationship with Seamus when he moved to Ireland. It failed miserably. Long distance relationships are so hard to keep."
"You haven't made any promises to me. If you want to—"
"The point is I don't. I want to stay with you. Yes, I do want to teach but I'll wait for a job to open up at Hogwarts. Though it might take a long time, I can wait. I still have a job I enjoy so much. And I have more than that—I have you."
He sighed. "I don't want you giving up the job of your dreams just for me."
"I'm not. For the longest time, I haven't had any dreams that didn't have you with me."
****
That had been such an easy compromise to make. I knew as soon as I saw the letter that you wouldn't like what it had to offer. I knew I was going to refuse the offer even before I read it. It was harder to convince you that I wanted to stay than it was to come to that decision. I had no choice really, not if I wanted to be with you, and once I had decided that no job was worth giving up what we had, I could think of so many other reasons not to go. It would have been awkward meeting Viktor again. It would have been uncomfortable living in a country far different from everything that I have ever known. The more I thought about it, the more reasons there appeared but above all else, I could not go because I would not be with you.
I wish that it were always that easy for then we would never fight. But this time, I couldn't see any easy compromise to make and I felt that it was too important for me to back down.
Now that I'm here, alone in our room, while you're elsewhere not spending time with me, it becomes all too clear to me that it wasn't that important.
Nothing is more important than you.
Did you know, love, that I was so scared the first time we fought? I thought that you would never forgive all the things that I had said. I wanted to take everything back, I wanted to turn back the clock to change what I did, I wanted to do everything in my power to convince you that our relationship was still worth it. I was so scared that it would end.
I should have known better.
It will never end.
I love you.
That's a word I've used a lot tonight. Looking over what I've written, I'm almost embarrassed how many times I've used that four-letter word. Yet there is no other word that is capable of describing what's between us, of describing of everything that you inspire in me. It's more than just a feeling—it's something that lives. It's the bond that ties you to me and me to you. It gives without taking and it mends before breaking. It's what keeps us together, during our worst of times, and it'll keep us together for ages to come. Love bears all things. Love endures all things. Love hopes all things.
Love never ends.
You know what? I don't think I should be writing to you any more. I think I need to be speaking to you, to be telling you once again just how much you are loved. I've lost too many chances already today to tell you that you are adored.
But just in case you doubt that the next time I'm to angry to speak with you, let me make myself clear on this one point before I leave to go to you. I love you. No matter what I might say, no matter what I might do, there still is not one moment that I don't love you. What we have between us will always be and we'll find a way to be together, no matter how we might fight or what the world might throw at us. This is the truth and nothing less.
There will always be a gift of love between you and me.
Author's note: As you might have noticed, Hermione paraphrases from Corinthians 13 in several different places because I don't know a better definition of love. I would greatly like to know what you think about this piece so please leave a review. Thank you.
Finally, thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter.
I really do appreciate that you took the time to leave to let me know what
you thought. I enjoyed reading your comments, although I'm a bit
afraid that a couple of you ranked that last chapter too highly.
But thanks so much for letting me know what you thought.