In the Space of Desire
Chapter Seventeen
The Hospital
At Xander's hesitant invitation, Buffy slowly walked into his hospital room. She looked at him, really looked at him. He was there somewhere, her Xander, wasn't he? She couldn't think of anything to say.
Xander stared at Buffy in return. There were so many words on the tip of his tongue, but none of them wanted to come out: I'm sorry, forgive me, I love you... please?
The door swung shut as Buffy made her way into the room. She hesitated when she got as far as the bed. Should she sit or stand? Xander noticed her hesitation, and scooted his legs over just a bit, to give her room if she chose to sit down. She chose to, and perched uneasily on the edge of the hospital bed, her back millimeters away from the edge of his legs, her arm resting on the bars on the side of the bed. She turned her head and looked at him again. He looked back.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Oz sat in the wheelchair in the middle of the hall just watching the passers by. Joyce had gone to get a cup of coffee, and Buffy had gone, he surmised, to face Xander. Oz sat and watched, getting the feel of the chair. It was awkward, unwieldy. His leg, enveloped in a new cast, stuck out in front of him like a new appendage he hadn't quite got the hang of yet. He wondered if Sonya and Buffy had felt this was at first, so odd, so out of place. The passing medical professionals didn't give him a second look except to wonder what he was doing out of his cubical -- the were too busy with real emergencies, even at such a late hour. The mortality rate never stops in Sunnydale. Passing patients, however, either refused to meet his eye, or gave him glances full of pity.
A door across the hall crashed open, distracting Oz from his musings. Sonya ran out, sobbing. Oz wanted to grab her, but he couldn't, so instead he called her name.
Hearing her name, brought Sonya out of her inner world of pain for just a minute -- long enough for her to see Oz sitting there. She turned and walked slowly toward him, wiping her eyes with the sleeves of her shirt.
"What happened?" Oz asked. It was all he needed to say.
Sonya crouched next to him, and with no more provocation related the whole story of what had happened with Xander. His rejection, her guilt, her anger, lingering worries about Giles and Buffy, pain over everything that had happened... it all came out in a flood of words. Oz just listened quietly.
When she finally finished, Sonya looked up at him. "So now I don't know what to do. My life is one horrible, complete mess, and there's nothing I can do to fix it. Damn Nathan and his damn treatments, and damn me for wanting them so badly."
"No, not damn you!" He spoke calmly, but forcefully. "No one can blame you for going to see Dr. Keller. We all wanted you to. And in the long run, it sort of worked... you are walking now."
"But for how long?" Sonya muttered. "Ms. Calendar said the power could vanish at any time. Then I'm back in the chair again, forever."
"Does a possible future event really matter?"
Sonya paused and thought about that for a minute. "You're right, Oz! I shouldn't worry about that. I mean, at least I've got this time, right? No matter how long it is. Most people in my position never get their legs back at all."
"Live one day at a time, that's my motto," Oz confided.
Her face fell again. "But everyone still hates me."
"Exaggeration much?"
Sonya met his gaze again and blushed. "Well, you don't. And Giles doesn't."
"Buffy, Ms. Calendar, Angel... even Amy, mostly. The list is longer than you think."
"But Xander hates me."
"Then Xander is a fool."
At those decisive words, Sonya gazed into Oz's face, trying to glean some hint of emotion. But she couldn't tell... there was something there, but she just couldn't put her finger on it.
Something had been bothering Sonya for a long time. She finally decided to put it into words. "Oz, I'm sorry. Not just for anything that the spell did to you, and your injuries which wouldn't have happened if I hadn't gotten involved with Nathan, but for the way I treated you that day at the fountain. You were only trying to help, and I was so mean to you..."
"It's forgotten."
Sonya looked at Oz in amazement. "Just like that?"
"Just like that."
They stayed there together for a minute in silence, watching the people, and then Oz asked for a favor. "Sonya, would you mind helping me back to bed? I'm kind of tired, and I don't quite have the hang of this thing yet." He touched the arms of the wheelchair.
Sonya grinned. "Sure." Grabbing the handles of the chair, she started pushing him back in the direction of his cubical. "If you want, I can give you lessons. It will be a little while before you graduate to crutches, I'm sure."
"Thanks. I always say, learn from an expert."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The silence in Xander's room was deafening. Finally, Buffy asked the obvious question, for lack of any better ideas. "So... how are you feeling?"
"Weak, stupid, foolish, guilty, angry..." Xander's voice trailed off as he looked at her.
"I saw Sonya run out of here, crying," Buffy stated, staring down at her shoes -- a pair of cute, lime green sneakers, perfect for running and slaying.
Xander sighed. "I handled that badly, but I just wasn't ready to deal with it yet. I need more time. I hope she'll eventually understand." The parallels of the situations were obvious, so he finally asked the question that was hanging between them. "How are you, Buffy? Do you need more time? Can we get past this?"
Buffy looked at him, her heart in her eyes. "I don't know."
He reached over and took her hand in his. "I'm so sorry, for everything. I remember it all, and every time I think about it I want to die."
Buffy snatched her hand back and jumped off the bed. "I'm sorry, Xander. I know that it wasn't your fault, that you weren't in control of yourself, but when you touch me all I can think of is your hands all over Sonya, and those hurtful things you said keep repeating themselves in my ears. I don't think I can do this." She turned toward the door.
"Wait!" Xander cried desperately, moving into a sitting position. "Don't go, Buffy! I love you so much... I love you with every breath I take, with every heartbeat! Even if what happened with Sonya hadn't been magically induced, it would have been nothing -- straight lust. You are the one for me -- the other half of myself. Please..." He didn't know what else he could say, but at least she had stopped walking away.
Buffy turned slowly and looked at Xander. The tears falling down her own cheeks were echoed on his face. "I love you that way, too, Xander," she admitted, walking back toward the bed. "And I forgive you for what you did -- that's the easy part. The hard part is forgetting, is getting those horrible pictures out of my mind whenever I look at you."
Xander knew he was crying, too, but he didn't care about a lack of manliness. "What can I do, Buffy? How can I make that happen? I'll do anything you say."
She took his large hand in her two smaller ones and held it up to her damp cheek. "I don't know, Xander. It's going to take some time for us to figure this out."
"Time? I can handle that!" He jumped eagerly at the bone.
Buffy leaned in, kissed him on the cheek and then gave him his hand back. She started walking toward the door. "I'm going home now. I'm very, very tired."
"OK." He didn't want her to go, but he didn't really have a choice. "Will you... be back?"
She turned and gazed into his eyes for a long moment. Then she said, "Yes, I'll be back."
Xander gave her a mild copy of his quirky grin. "Then I'll wait. Forever if I have to."
Buffy gave him a small smile that seemed to him to say 'Good... then we'll eventually find each other again,' but she didn't say anything aloud. And then the door swung shut behind her.
"I love you, Buffy Summers," Xander whispered to the place where she had been.
Out in the hall, Buffy touched the door for a minute, and murmured, "I love you, Xander Harris." Then she walked away.
Chapter Seventeen
The Hospital
At Xander's hesitant invitation, Buffy slowly walked into his hospital room. She looked at him, really looked at him. He was there somewhere, her Xander, wasn't he? She couldn't think of anything to say.
Xander stared at Buffy in return. There were so many words on the tip of his tongue, but none of them wanted to come out: I'm sorry, forgive me, I love you... please?
The door swung shut as Buffy made her way into the room. She hesitated when she got as far as the bed. Should she sit or stand? Xander noticed her hesitation, and scooted his legs over just a bit, to give her room if she chose to sit down. She chose to, and perched uneasily on the edge of the hospital bed, her back millimeters away from the edge of his legs, her arm resting on the bars on the side of the bed. She turned her head and looked at him again. He looked back.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Oz sat in the wheelchair in the middle of the hall just watching the passers by. Joyce had gone to get a cup of coffee, and Buffy had gone, he surmised, to face Xander. Oz sat and watched, getting the feel of the chair. It was awkward, unwieldy. His leg, enveloped in a new cast, stuck out in front of him like a new appendage he hadn't quite got the hang of yet. He wondered if Sonya and Buffy had felt this was at first, so odd, so out of place. The passing medical professionals didn't give him a second look except to wonder what he was doing out of his cubical -- the were too busy with real emergencies, even at such a late hour. The mortality rate never stops in Sunnydale. Passing patients, however, either refused to meet his eye, or gave him glances full of pity.
A door across the hall crashed open, distracting Oz from his musings. Sonya ran out, sobbing. Oz wanted to grab her, but he couldn't, so instead he called her name.
Hearing her name, brought Sonya out of her inner world of pain for just a minute -- long enough for her to see Oz sitting there. She turned and walked slowly toward him, wiping her eyes with the sleeves of her shirt.
"What happened?" Oz asked. It was all he needed to say.
Sonya crouched next to him, and with no more provocation related the whole story of what had happened with Xander. His rejection, her guilt, her anger, lingering worries about Giles and Buffy, pain over everything that had happened... it all came out in a flood of words. Oz just listened quietly.
When she finally finished, Sonya looked up at him. "So now I don't know what to do. My life is one horrible, complete mess, and there's nothing I can do to fix it. Damn Nathan and his damn treatments, and damn me for wanting them so badly."
"No, not damn you!" He spoke calmly, but forcefully. "No one can blame you for going to see Dr. Keller. We all wanted you to. And in the long run, it sort of worked... you are walking now."
"But for how long?" Sonya muttered. "Ms. Calendar said the power could vanish at any time. Then I'm back in the chair again, forever."
"Does a possible future event really matter?"
Sonya paused and thought about that for a minute. "You're right, Oz! I shouldn't worry about that. I mean, at least I've got this time, right? No matter how long it is. Most people in my position never get their legs back at all."
"Live one day at a time, that's my motto," Oz confided.
Her face fell again. "But everyone still hates me."
"Exaggeration much?"
Sonya met his gaze again and blushed. "Well, you don't. And Giles doesn't."
"Buffy, Ms. Calendar, Angel... even Amy, mostly. The list is longer than you think."
"But Xander hates me."
"Then Xander is a fool."
At those decisive words, Sonya gazed into Oz's face, trying to glean some hint of emotion. But she couldn't tell... there was something there, but she just couldn't put her finger on it.
Something had been bothering Sonya for a long time. She finally decided to put it into words. "Oz, I'm sorry. Not just for anything that the spell did to you, and your injuries which wouldn't have happened if I hadn't gotten involved with Nathan, but for the way I treated you that day at the fountain. You were only trying to help, and I was so mean to you..."
"It's forgotten."
Sonya looked at Oz in amazement. "Just like that?"
"Just like that."
They stayed there together for a minute in silence, watching the people, and then Oz asked for a favor. "Sonya, would you mind helping me back to bed? I'm kind of tired, and I don't quite have the hang of this thing yet." He touched the arms of the wheelchair.
Sonya grinned. "Sure." Grabbing the handles of the chair, she started pushing him back in the direction of his cubical. "If you want, I can give you lessons. It will be a little while before you graduate to crutches, I'm sure."
"Thanks. I always say, learn from an expert."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The silence in Xander's room was deafening. Finally, Buffy asked the obvious question, for lack of any better ideas. "So... how are you feeling?"
"Weak, stupid, foolish, guilty, angry..." Xander's voice trailed off as he looked at her.
"I saw Sonya run out of here, crying," Buffy stated, staring down at her shoes -- a pair of cute, lime green sneakers, perfect for running and slaying.
Xander sighed. "I handled that badly, but I just wasn't ready to deal with it yet. I need more time. I hope she'll eventually understand." The parallels of the situations were obvious, so he finally asked the question that was hanging between them. "How are you, Buffy? Do you need more time? Can we get past this?"
Buffy looked at him, her heart in her eyes. "I don't know."
He reached over and took her hand in his. "I'm so sorry, for everything. I remember it all, and every time I think about it I want to die."
Buffy snatched her hand back and jumped off the bed. "I'm sorry, Xander. I know that it wasn't your fault, that you weren't in control of yourself, but when you touch me all I can think of is your hands all over Sonya, and those hurtful things you said keep repeating themselves in my ears. I don't think I can do this." She turned toward the door.
"Wait!" Xander cried desperately, moving into a sitting position. "Don't go, Buffy! I love you so much... I love you with every breath I take, with every heartbeat! Even if what happened with Sonya hadn't been magically induced, it would have been nothing -- straight lust. You are the one for me -- the other half of myself. Please..." He didn't know what else he could say, but at least she had stopped walking away.
Buffy turned slowly and looked at Xander. The tears falling down her own cheeks were echoed on his face. "I love you that way, too, Xander," she admitted, walking back toward the bed. "And I forgive you for what you did -- that's the easy part. The hard part is forgetting, is getting those horrible pictures out of my mind whenever I look at you."
Xander knew he was crying, too, but he didn't care about a lack of manliness. "What can I do, Buffy? How can I make that happen? I'll do anything you say."
She took his large hand in her two smaller ones and held it up to her damp cheek. "I don't know, Xander. It's going to take some time for us to figure this out."
"Time? I can handle that!" He jumped eagerly at the bone.
Buffy leaned in, kissed him on the cheek and then gave him his hand back. She started walking toward the door. "I'm going home now. I'm very, very tired."
"OK." He didn't want her to go, but he didn't really have a choice. "Will you... be back?"
She turned and gazed into his eyes for a long moment. Then she said, "Yes, I'll be back."
Xander gave her a mild copy of his quirky grin. "Then I'll wait. Forever if I have to."
Buffy gave him a small smile that seemed to him to say 'Good... then we'll eventually find each other again,' but she didn't say anything aloud. And then the door swung shut behind her.
"I love you, Buffy Summers," Xander whispered to the place where she had been.
Out in the hall, Buffy touched the door for a minute, and murmured, "I love you, Xander Harris." Then she walked away.