Michelle M. McDermott
March 31, 2003
Not A Dream
'She's alive. Oh my god. Buffy's alive.' He thought to himself as he stood outside of the Summer's house. Every thing came to the surface at that moment he reached the oak tree. He held her, if only it was for a brief few minutes. As he entered the house 10 minutes before all angry because Dawn ran off and he was in charge of her. With those hellens running wild and destroying everything around them, if anything happened to her. He would never forgive himself, especially after he promised Big Sis. At first, when he saw Buffy, he did think it was the robot that he had made for him. But when their eyes met and in that instant he knew. It sensed it, he felt it. Not the cold steel of the bot, but the same feeling he got when he first saw her. The same feeling he had when they met that night all those years ago. It was really Buffy.
Suddenly everything came rushing at him, all those years in a few seconds. The last couple of images to enter his brain were of his promise and her dead body, but she was no longer dead. They stood there looking at each other for a couple of seconds, then Buffy looked away-but he couldn't. He kept on looking at her, afraid to take his eyes off of her. Afraid that if he did that it would really just be a dream, one of his cruel dreams. Where she was alive and everything was okay in their weird world again.
"Spike? Are you Okay?" Dawn asked him. He took him a couple of seconds to respond, not really hearing her. Then he remember what he helped Dawn do months before to get her mom back, did she do it to get Buffy back too.
"I'm.What did you do?" he asked her, still looking at Buffy. Now he was trying to see her breath, and she was.
"Me? Nothing." Lit bit told him, as he started to look Buffy up and down to see it the rest of her was there as well. That's when he noticed her hands. They were all cut up and bloody, knowing where she received them from.
"Her hands." He told Dawn, she looked at them.
"I was gonna to fix'em. I don't know how they got like that." Dawn explain to him. Now Spike can't take his eyes off of them. It really wasn't the robot now, robots don't bleed blood-not Buffy's blood. Buffy put them behind her so they didn't see them.
"I do. Clawed her way out of the coffin, that's how. Ain't that right? He asked Buffy, hoping that she would speak. The entire time they had been standing in the enterway she didn't say a word, not even a sound. No, smart quips or comebacks like usually, but this was not a usual moment.
"Yeah. That's what I had to do." She said quietly to them not looking at them, as if she was ashamed. She looked scared and ashamed to be there and for them to know what she had done.
"Done it myself." Spike told her and softening his face up to show her that it was alright now. "We'll take care of you. C'mere." He said to her as he led her into the living room, being gently with her. "Get some stuff; mercurochrome, bandages." He told Dawn, and she left the room to go find the stuff. He sat her down on the couch and he sat on the table in front of her. Spike gently reached for her hurt hands and put them in his and just held them, looking at the damage recreation caused her. He was actually touching Buffy now and she was warm, not cold like he taught. They just sat there quietly for a couple of seconds looking at each other again.
"How long was I gone?" She quietly asked Spike. He cleared his throat trying to find his voice; he really wasn't expecting that question. But he was ready for it.
"147 days yesterday.um 148 today. 'Cept today doesn't count, does it?" He smiled shyly at her; he had been counting the days without her secretly. "How long was it for you where you were?" He tilted his head to the side like he did when he was trying to be sincere. He kept found himself looking into her eyes, her beautiful green eyes that didn't seem as alive as the rest of her.
"Longer." She said, he understood. No need to talk about things that were no good, especially how long you were dead. Spike just nodded as he heard Dawn come back into the room.
"Got the stuff." She finished saying just as Xander, Anya, Willow and Tara entered the living room.
"Is she here?" Willow asked and saw Buffy at the same time as the others. They were all talking what seem at one time, asking all sort of concerning questions to Buffy to see if she was alright.
Spike decided to slip out, he had lost his brief minutes with Buffy and now her friends would take over and throw him out. So he decided to save them the trouble. He was on his way to leave, but decided to have a quick, long needed smoke. Spike walked over to the big tree in the front yard, felt in his duster pocket for the pack and fished one out and his lighter. Lit it in his mouth and took a long drag off it as soon as the flame hit it. As he let out the smoke, he let out the tears that he was holding in. He didn't really know why but he was crying now. Tears of frustration for having her back and not knowing it, tears of happiness- because she was back, or maybe tears of relief, he wouldn't have to worry about the world, lit bit, or the scoobies anymore. Or that Buffy was alright where ever she was- she was there now. Buffy was back and he was overwhelmed behind believe, but still he was shocked and confused. 'How and why did they bring her back? Why didn't they tell him?' Spike leaned against the tree; smoking, thinking and crying.
He was standing there what seemed like forever, when voices suddenly brought him back to reality. It was Xander and Anya. Xander noticed that he was there. Spike wiped his tears away before they saw the big bad crying over the alive again Slayer.
"What are you doing out here? I hope you're not going to start up your whole obsession now that she's around." Spike grabbed Xander and threw him up against the tree, and leaned on him. The chip reacted but he didn't care, they both "ow" in pain.
"You didn't tell me. You brought her back and you didn't tell me." Spike told him trying to hide the hurt and anger in his voice. But he sure as hell showed it in his face and his actions. Xander didn't struggle as he spoke to Spike,
"Well, now you know." He told him.
"I worked beside you. All Summer." Spike hissed at him.
"We didn't tell you. It was just.we didn't okay?" He told him, Spike was all in Xander's face.
"Listen, I've figured it out." Spike let Xander go to make his point. "Maybe you haven't. But I have. Willow knew there was a chance she'd come back wrong." He told him pointing to the house, "So wrong that you'd have to.that she'd have to get rid of what came back. And I wouldn't let her. If any part of it was Buffy, I wouldn't let her. And that's why she shut me out." He explained to them. Xander seemed confused all of the sudden.
"What are you talking about? Willow wouldn't do that." He told Spike.
"Oh, that right?" He said to him, Spike knew better.
"Look, you're just covering. Don't tell me you're not happy. Look me in the eyes and tell me that when you saw Buffy alive wasn't the happiest moment of your entire existence." Xander asked him.
Spike didn't say anything; he just looked at him for a brief second and turn and walked away. But, not with out giving them a warning. "The thing about magic, there's always consequences." He threw his leg around his motorcycle and turned it on. "Always." He roared the engine and rode off, leaving Xander and Anya behind.
It was the next night, but to Spike it seemed like one long night. He was pacing back and forth in the lower level of his crypt, which now was decorated like an apartment. He was thinking of what happened last night and the months before, especially his failure. All of the sudden he found himself punching the wall next to him. He took a deep breath in a little sob, pulled out his hand and looked at it. Spike busted some of his knuckles open some blood was running down his fingers. He started to laugh at it and what he just did. Suddenly there was a noise like his front door being opened. He grabbed the nearest weapon, a big knife and head up the ladder. As he emerged he quietly concealed the knife and looked around to see Buffy with her back to him.
"Buffy?" He said quietly to her, she turned around and looked at him. She looks down and sees the knife, but doesn't nothing. "You should be careful. Never know what kind of villain's got a knife at your back." He tells her and shows her the weapon.
"Your hand is hurt." She says to him as she also notices his newly hurt hand. Spike looks down at it and shrugs he looks at her hurt hand, now bandaged up.
"Same as you." He tells her, Buffy looks at her hand.
"Right." She said not looking at him and puts it in her pocket. Spike walks over to the side window and puts the knife down on the concert window sill. He turns his head and looks at Buffy as he place the weapon there.
"Willow's getting pretty strong, isn't she? Bring you back. Hard to get a good night death 'round here." He tells her joking, but no reaction from her. She just stands there and looks at him. "You can sit down. Got furniture now. You should see the downstairs, too. Quite Posh." He says as she sits down and still looks at him, still not saying anything.
He walks over by her and sits a few feet in front of her, she just stares at him. Spike thinks he knows what is on her mind and he tells her. "I do remember what I said. The promise. To protect her. If I'd done that.even if I didn't make it, you would've had to jump." He was having a hard time looking at her, but he paused and looked at her, nothing so he continued. "But, I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course. But after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again, do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways." He looked down when he said the last sentence, afraid to look her in the eyes this time. "Every night I save you." Spike looked up feeling somehow relieved and still nothing from her. So they sat in silence the rest of the time.
The next day, Spike was standing outside the Magic Box about to go inside when he heard Buffy and her friends talking. Buffy was thanking them for bringing her back from wherever she was. He just stood there and listened, thinking that he was really happy that she was back and with her friends, Dawn and his. Spike decided to sit down on some empty packing crates in the alley and have a happy smoke. He was almost done with it when he heard the side door close. He looked up, but already knew who it was. She came towards him with her head down and did not see him. So, he decided to acknowledge her first.
"Buffy." He said. She looked up to see him.
"Spike. It's daylight and you're."she started.
"Not on fire?" He finished for her, looking at sunny street in front of them. "Sun's low, it's shady enough here. I was gonna go in, but I overheard you and the Super-friends sharing "a special moment" and I came over a bit queasy." He told her. "Say, aren't you leaving a hole in the middle of some soggy group hug?" He asked her as he threw down the butt of his cigarette and stomped it out. She watched him do it.
She walked over to him, "I just wanted a little time alone." She said as she sat down on some other crates beside him.
Spike understood, "Oh. Right then." and he got up to leave for her. He head for the alley entrance and stop. He got to the edge of it and it was the edge of his shade, if he took another step she would really be alone. He was stuck; he looked up at the sky, still awhile until sun set.
Buffy realized this, "That's okay. I can be alone with you here." She told him quietly. Spike took it as a comment.
"Thanks ever so." He told her and turned his head towards her, excepting a smile or a laugh, but neither.
"Great." She said without any really emotion. Actually she did sound like she was all that happy. Not like she was not more then five minutes ago with her friends. He knew something was off.
"Buff? Slayer?" he turned around, "Are you okay?" He asked sounding really concerned. She looked up at him, taken a deep breath.
"I'm here. I'm good." She said to him, but he wasn't buying it.
He walked towards her looking her in the eyes. "Buffy, if you're in-if you're in pain. Or if you need anything.if I can do anything for you." He told her. She looked down at the ground.
"You can't." she said to him.
He shoved his hands in the coat pocket and walked over to where he was sitting before, "Well, I haven't been to a Helldimension just of late, but I do know a thing or two about torment." He told her as he sat down.
She was still looking at the ground, "I was happy." She said, she stared off remembering how she was or trying to forget it now. "Wherever I.was.I was happy. At peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time didn't mean anything, nothing had form.but I was still me, you know?" She looked at him, who was just looking at her and listening. "And I was warm and I was loved.and I was finished. Complete. I don't understand about theology or dimensions or any of.but I think I was in heaven." Spike just looked at her; he couldn't believe what she was saying. "And now I'm not. I was torn out of there. My friends pulled me out. And everything here is bright and hard and violent.Everything I feel, everything I touch.this is Hell. Just getting through the next moments, and the one after that.knowing what I've lost." she couldn't go on anymore. She looked at him again, he was in shock. She was happy, really happy and now to be. To be alive was making her sad and her friends caused it. He was right magic did have consequences and Buffy's happiness and her life wouldn't be the same.
She got up and he watched her get to the end of the alley, "They can never know. Never." She warned him and she left walking away in to the sunlight.
The End
Not A Dream
'She's alive. Oh my god. Buffy's alive.' He thought to himself as he stood outside of the Summer's house. Every thing came to the surface at that moment he reached the oak tree. He held her, if only it was for a brief few minutes. As he entered the house 10 minutes before all angry because Dawn ran off and he was in charge of her. With those hellens running wild and destroying everything around them, if anything happened to her. He would never forgive himself, especially after he promised Big Sis. At first, when he saw Buffy, he did think it was the robot that he had made for him. But when their eyes met and in that instant he knew. It sensed it, he felt it. Not the cold steel of the bot, but the same feeling he got when he first saw her. The same feeling he had when they met that night all those years ago. It was really Buffy.
Suddenly everything came rushing at him, all those years in a few seconds. The last couple of images to enter his brain were of his promise and her dead body, but she was no longer dead. They stood there looking at each other for a couple of seconds, then Buffy looked away-but he couldn't. He kept on looking at her, afraid to take his eyes off of her. Afraid that if he did that it would really just be a dream, one of his cruel dreams. Where she was alive and everything was okay in their weird world again.
"Spike? Are you Okay?" Dawn asked him. He took him a couple of seconds to respond, not really hearing her. Then he remember what he helped Dawn do months before to get her mom back, did she do it to get Buffy back too.
"I'm.What did you do?" he asked her, still looking at Buffy. Now he was trying to see her breath, and she was.
"Me? Nothing." Lit bit told him, as he started to look Buffy up and down to see it the rest of her was there as well. That's when he noticed her hands. They were all cut up and bloody, knowing where she received them from.
"Her hands." He told Dawn, she looked at them.
"I was gonna to fix'em. I don't know how they got like that." Dawn explain to him. Now Spike can't take his eyes off of them. It really wasn't the robot now, robots don't bleed blood-not Buffy's blood. Buffy put them behind her so they didn't see them.
"I do. Clawed her way out of the coffin, that's how. Ain't that right? He asked Buffy, hoping that she would speak. The entire time they had been standing in the enterway she didn't say a word, not even a sound. No, smart quips or comebacks like usually, but this was not a usual moment.
"Yeah. That's what I had to do." She said quietly to them not looking at them, as if she was ashamed. She looked scared and ashamed to be there and for them to know what she had done.
"Done it myself." Spike told her and softening his face up to show her that it was alright now. "We'll take care of you. C'mere." He said to her as he led her into the living room, being gently with her. "Get some stuff; mercurochrome, bandages." He told Dawn, and she left the room to go find the stuff. He sat her down on the couch and he sat on the table in front of her. Spike gently reached for her hurt hands and put them in his and just held them, looking at the damage recreation caused her. He was actually touching Buffy now and she was warm, not cold like he taught. They just sat there quietly for a couple of seconds looking at each other again.
"How long was I gone?" She quietly asked Spike. He cleared his throat trying to find his voice; he really wasn't expecting that question. But he was ready for it.
"147 days yesterday.um 148 today. 'Cept today doesn't count, does it?" He smiled shyly at her; he had been counting the days without her secretly. "How long was it for you where you were?" He tilted his head to the side like he did when he was trying to be sincere. He kept found himself looking into her eyes, her beautiful green eyes that didn't seem as alive as the rest of her.
"Longer." She said, he understood. No need to talk about things that were no good, especially how long you were dead. Spike just nodded as he heard Dawn come back into the room.
"Got the stuff." She finished saying just as Xander, Anya, Willow and Tara entered the living room.
"Is she here?" Willow asked and saw Buffy at the same time as the others. They were all talking what seem at one time, asking all sort of concerning questions to Buffy to see if she was alright.
Spike decided to slip out, he had lost his brief minutes with Buffy and now her friends would take over and throw him out. So he decided to save them the trouble. He was on his way to leave, but decided to have a quick, long needed smoke. Spike walked over to the big tree in the front yard, felt in his duster pocket for the pack and fished one out and his lighter. Lit it in his mouth and took a long drag off it as soon as the flame hit it. As he let out the smoke, he let out the tears that he was holding in. He didn't really know why but he was crying now. Tears of frustration for having her back and not knowing it, tears of happiness- because she was back, or maybe tears of relief, he wouldn't have to worry about the world, lit bit, or the scoobies anymore. Or that Buffy was alright where ever she was- she was there now. Buffy was back and he was overwhelmed behind believe, but still he was shocked and confused. 'How and why did they bring her back? Why didn't they tell him?' Spike leaned against the tree; smoking, thinking and crying.
He was standing there what seemed like forever, when voices suddenly brought him back to reality. It was Xander and Anya. Xander noticed that he was there. Spike wiped his tears away before they saw the big bad crying over the alive again Slayer.
"What are you doing out here? I hope you're not going to start up your whole obsession now that she's around." Spike grabbed Xander and threw him up against the tree, and leaned on him. The chip reacted but he didn't care, they both "ow" in pain.
"You didn't tell me. You brought her back and you didn't tell me." Spike told him trying to hide the hurt and anger in his voice. But he sure as hell showed it in his face and his actions. Xander didn't struggle as he spoke to Spike,
"Well, now you know." He told him.
"I worked beside you. All Summer." Spike hissed at him.
"We didn't tell you. It was just.we didn't okay?" He told him, Spike was all in Xander's face.
"Listen, I've figured it out." Spike let Xander go to make his point. "Maybe you haven't. But I have. Willow knew there was a chance she'd come back wrong." He told him pointing to the house, "So wrong that you'd have to.that she'd have to get rid of what came back. And I wouldn't let her. If any part of it was Buffy, I wouldn't let her. And that's why she shut me out." He explained to them. Xander seemed confused all of the sudden.
"What are you talking about? Willow wouldn't do that." He told Spike.
"Oh, that right?" He said to him, Spike knew better.
"Look, you're just covering. Don't tell me you're not happy. Look me in the eyes and tell me that when you saw Buffy alive wasn't the happiest moment of your entire existence." Xander asked him.
Spike didn't say anything; he just looked at him for a brief second and turn and walked away. But, not with out giving them a warning. "The thing about magic, there's always consequences." He threw his leg around his motorcycle and turned it on. "Always." He roared the engine and rode off, leaving Xander and Anya behind.
It was the next night, but to Spike it seemed like one long night. He was pacing back and forth in the lower level of his crypt, which now was decorated like an apartment. He was thinking of what happened last night and the months before, especially his failure. All of the sudden he found himself punching the wall next to him. He took a deep breath in a little sob, pulled out his hand and looked at it. Spike busted some of his knuckles open some blood was running down his fingers. He started to laugh at it and what he just did. Suddenly there was a noise like his front door being opened. He grabbed the nearest weapon, a big knife and head up the ladder. As he emerged he quietly concealed the knife and looked around to see Buffy with her back to him.
"Buffy?" He said quietly to her, she turned around and looked at him. She looks down and sees the knife, but doesn't nothing. "You should be careful. Never know what kind of villain's got a knife at your back." He tells her and shows her the weapon.
"Your hand is hurt." She says to him as she also notices his newly hurt hand. Spike looks down at it and shrugs he looks at her hurt hand, now bandaged up.
"Same as you." He tells her, Buffy looks at her hand.
"Right." She said not looking at him and puts it in her pocket. Spike walks over to the side window and puts the knife down on the concert window sill. He turns his head and looks at Buffy as he place the weapon there.
"Willow's getting pretty strong, isn't she? Bring you back. Hard to get a good night death 'round here." He tells her joking, but no reaction from her. She just stands there and looks at him. "You can sit down. Got furniture now. You should see the downstairs, too. Quite Posh." He says as she sits down and still looks at him, still not saying anything.
He walks over by her and sits a few feet in front of her, she just stares at him. Spike thinks he knows what is on her mind and he tells her. "I do remember what I said. The promise. To protect her. If I'd done that.even if I didn't make it, you would've had to jump." He was having a hard time looking at her, but he paused and looked at her, nothing so he continued. "But, I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course. But after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again, do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways." He looked down when he said the last sentence, afraid to look her in the eyes this time. "Every night I save you." Spike looked up feeling somehow relieved and still nothing from her. So they sat in silence the rest of the time.
The next day, Spike was standing outside the Magic Box about to go inside when he heard Buffy and her friends talking. Buffy was thanking them for bringing her back from wherever she was. He just stood there and listened, thinking that he was really happy that she was back and with her friends, Dawn and his. Spike decided to sit down on some empty packing crates in the alley and have a happy smoke. He was almost done with it when he heard the side door close. He looked up, but already knew who it was. She came towards him with her head down and did not see him. So, he decided to acknowledge her first.
"Buffy." He said. She looked up to see him.
"Spike. It's daylight and you're."she started.
"Not on fire?" He finished for her, looking at sunny street in front of them. "Sun's low, it's shady enough here. I was gonna go in, but I overheard you and the Super-friends sharing "a special moment" and I came over a bit queasy." He told her. "Say, aren't you leaving a hole in the middle of some soggy group hug?" He asked her as he threw down the butt of his cigarette and stomped it out. She watched him do it.
She walked over to him, "I just wanted a little time alone." She said as she sat down on some other crates beside him.
Spike understood, "Oh. Right then." and he got up to leave for her. He head for the alley entrance and stop. He got to the edge of it and it was the edge of his shade, if he took another step she would really be alone. He was stuck; he looked up at the sky, still awhile until sun set.
Buffy realized this, "That's okay. I can be alone with you here." She told him quietly. Spike took it as a comment.
"Thanks ever so." He told her and turned his head towards her, excepting a smile or a laugh, but neither.
"Great." She said without any really emotion. Actually she did sound like she was all that happy. Not like she was not more then five minutes ago with her friends. He knew something was off.
"Buff? Slayer?" he turned around, "Are you okay?" He asked sounding really concerned. She looked up at him, taken a deep breath.
"I'm here. I'm good." She said to him, but he wasn't buying it.
He walked towards her looking her in the eyes. "Buffy, if you're in-if you're in pain. Or if you need anything.if I can do anything for you." He told her. She looked down at the ground.
"You can't." she said to him.
He shoved his hands in the coat pocket and walked over to where he was sitting before, "Well, I haven't been to a Helldimension just of late, but I do know a thing or two about torment." He told her as he sat down.
She was still looking at the ground, "I was happy." She said, she stared off remembering how she was or trying to forget it now. "Wherever I.was.I was happy. At peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time didn't mean anything, nothing had form.but I was still me, you know?" She looked at him, who was just looking at her and listening. "And I was warm and I was loved.and I was finished. Complete. I don't understand about theology or dimensions or any of.but I think I was in heaven." Spike just looked at her; he couldn't believe what she was saying. "And now I'm not. I was torn out of there. My friends pulled me out. And everything here is bright and hard and violent.Everything I feel, everything I touch.this is Hell. Just getting through the next moments, and the one after that.knowing what I've lost." she couldn't go on anymore. She looked at him again, he was in shock. She was happy, really happy and now to be. To be alive was making her sad and her friends caused it. He was right magic did have consequences and Buffy's happiness and her life wouldn't be the same.
She got up and he watched her get to the end of the alley, "They can never know. Never." She warned him and she left walking away in to the sunlight.
The End