Epic

Chapter Four – Giant Radioactive Monkey Chapter

Xander was standing all alone in the training room. He had just told his fiancé that he didn't want to get married and there is perhaps no worse thing you can do to a woman, at least anything legal. He spent a few minutes just standing there before he made his way back. He entered the room and was met by the eyes of everyone in the room. All he could say was, "Anya had to go."

The group nodded as if they understood what had just happened. An uncomfortable silence descended, as no one knew what he or she should say. Finally Xander said, "So, why all the books?"

"Oh, err…research." Answered Buffy.

"What are you researching?"

"Demon."

Willow stepped in to fill Xander in on the new evil this week. When she was done Xander didn't say anything and it wasn't clear whether he had heard or understood anything she said. "So we think the demon might…"

Xander interrupted her, "I have to go."

"Go?" Said Willow.

"Yeah, I have to…err…have to go." Xander vaguely pointed at the door and before anyone could say anything else he quickly walked towards it and was gone.

There was silence.

"You think he is okay?" Asked Willow.

"I don't know." Replied Buffy.

 "Maybe I should…"

"No, we need you here Willow."

"But…"

"I think it would be best if we all gave Xander some time alone."

"Yeah, I suppose."

"Anyway we need to find out as much about this new demon as possible."

"Talking of research," Said Buffy. "I don't think I'm doing very well."

"Buffy, it is not a case of doing well but…" Giles stopped as he saw what Buffy was reading. "…but since you are reading a 15th century recipe book I think that may be the case."

"Recipe book? That explains a lot."

"And it is written in Latin."

"So I think we have established my bad researching skills which is why I think it would be better if I went and did some patrolling."

"Yes I suppose that would be better."

Giles turned and went to go fetch some books giving Buffy time to whisper in Willow's ear, "I'll go see if Xander is okay."

Willow nodded and Buffy left.

*****

After an extensive search of Sunnydale (meaning the coffee shop, the bronze and the pizza place) Buffy found Xander. He was walking along seemingly not noticing the world around him. Upon seeing him Buffy walked quickly towards him and started to call his name but he didn't look up. As she got closer so the calling got louder but still he didn't notice her. After one extra loud shout she finally got his attention, as well as that of the other people in the street. However in almost the same instant that he looked up and saw her, he vanished. One second he was there, then there was a blindingly bright light and he was gone. 

[End of chapter four]

*****

[Start of chapter four]

Epic

Chapter Four – Giant Radioactive Monkey Chapter

Xander was walking along carrying two cups of coffee in the direction of the graveyard. He was taking the occasional sip from the one in his left hand. It was night but since it was a full moon it could just has easily been day with an overcast sky. He entered the graveyard and walked towards a figure sitting looking up at the sky. As he approached the figure quickly turned round but relaxed upon seeing who it was. He handed over the cup of coffee and asked, "Why did they have to go and make things so complicated?"

"Acting like your someone else, getting me frustrated." Replied Buffy immediately.

"What?"

"It's from the song."

"What song?"

"You know."

"Nope."

"But you just quoted the chorus."

"Well, I didn't mean too."

"That's strange."

"Maybe it subliminally entered my mind."

"Like the word subliminally?"

"Yeah."

"It's possible."

"It could be part of a government conspiracy to control the minds of the American youth."

"It just went from possible to practically impossible."

"Why is it that no one ever believes conspiracies theories?"

"The same reason that no one ever believes advertising. Both are the creation of madmen."

"I'm pretty sure women also create them."

"Yeah but the women aren't man."

"No, they're beyond mad."

"If you weren't getting married tomorrow I would hit you for that."

"You mean I can get away with stuff because I'm getting married?"

"I probably shouldn't have told you that."

"You know that Walkman I borrowed from you?"

"Yeah."

"It wasn't stolen, I exchanged it from some comics."

"You what!"

"You can't do anything remember?"

"Xander, you do realise that I have something called a memory, don't you?"

"Oh, crap."

"Well said."

"I was only joking about the Walkman thing."

"Sure you were."

"I didn't really exchange it for comics."

"Of course."

"I'm going to buy you a new one, aren't I?"

"Oh yeah."

They both smile.

"So, you're getting married tomorrow." Said Buffy.

"Yeah, I know."

"Yeah but you're getting married."

"Yes, I know."

"But you."

"Okay Buffy, you are like the Buffybot stuck on a loop."

"It's just so amazing that you're getting married…not that you getting married is hard to believe. I mean it's not like I didn't think you would ever…it's just that, well, I'm going to stop now."

"I would if I were you."

"You got what I meant right?"

"Surprisingly I did."

"Yeah well…"

"Yeah."

"I can't believe it Xander."

"Neither can I."

"Anya's a lucky lady."

"Not nearly as lucky as me."

"I hope you two have a long and happy marriage."

"Thanks."

Neither of them said anything for a minute.

"Are we supposed to hug?" Asked Xander.

"We could."

"You want too?"

"Sure, it's your last night as a free man after all."

They hug.

"You know most men get strippers for their stag night. I get a hug from you."

"See how much luckier you are."

"Yeah, much luckier."

"Would it be better if I did a little strip for you?"

"Your joking right?"

"Of course."

"I knew that but there was a little part of me that wanted to believe."

"The dirty old man part?"

"I love that part."

"You're the only one who does."

"Yeah."

"Xander, that's not a good thing."

"Oh no, of course."

"You don't sound very convincing."

"Maybe it is that you don't listen very convincing."

"That's not funny."

"They can't all be funny."

"Yeah, but most of them should be."

"What are you saying?"

"Words."

"If there was an audience here then you would be hearing a large groan about now."

"You're not that ugly Xander."

"I thought you weren't going to do that since I am getting married."

"I wasn't going to hit you."

"So physical abuse is not okay but verbal abuse is fine?"

"Of course, I'm a girl."

"Not a girl, not yet a woman."

"Okay, that's definitely not subliminal."

"No, that's Britney."

"That's not the word I would use."

"Meow."

"What have I told you about that Xander?"

"Yeah, okay."

The two of them just sit there looking at the sky until finally Xander said, "I better go see Anya."

"At the Magic shop?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, tonight looks quiet."

"Hopefully the demon won't show up or do we want it to show up so you can kill it?"

"I don't know."

"Either way, have fun."

"Alone in a graveyard at night, what's not fun about that?"

"Yeah. Well, see ya tomorrow."

"I still can't believe you are going to get married tomorrow."

"I think I better go before you start up again."

"So do I."

"Bye."

He started to walk away, "Bye." He didn't reply but instead, without turning, raised an arm. And then Buffy was alone.

Anya wasn't usually at the Magic Shop at this time but she had said that she was feeling nervous before the wedding and was going to count the money. Unsurprisingly this activity had an extremely calming effect on Anya. And it was the Magic Shop, which Xander was heading too. He was about to round the corner to the shop when he first noticed the large group of people. Then he noticed the flashing lights. Something was obviously going on. His pace quicken and he rounded the corner. Then his heart stopped. The window of the Magic Shop had been smashed but that wasn't what Xander was looking at. He was looking at the ambulance parked outside the shop and the police officers keeping the crowd from getting a better look they so desperately sought. He ran towards the shop but was stopped by a large police officer. After explaining who he was, he still wasn't let in. He was getting frantic. However Giles, who was standing in the shop doorway noticed him and walked over to the police officer. Xander was allowed past.

"Xander, I tried to call you."

Xander didn't say anything.

"Something has happened."

Still Xander said nothing and just stared at the doorway.

"It is Anya."

At the mention of her name Xander looked up at Giles for the first time.

"Anya?"

"Yes. I'm afraid she has been attacked."

"Attacked? Is she okay?"

"I think you better go in."

"Giles! Is she okay?"

Giles didn't respond but gave Xander a look, a very tellingly look. Xander didn't wait any longer. He moved towards the doorway. When he reached it he quickly scanned the shop and he almost turned white. There was blood everywhere. All the furniture was either upturned or laying in pieces on the floor. And in the middle of all this destruction were two paramedics working furiously on the body of a young female. The paramedics were repeatedly shocking the body but they were having no luck and they looked at each other and one of them said, "Time of death, 1:32."