Disclaimer: I still don't own FFVIII. It's not like I'm wishing I owned it. But I do wish Square made an FFVII-2 instead of 'Yuna Raider' (a.k.a. FFX-2).
A/N: Thank you sooooo much for all your sweet reviews! *hugs everyone* Anyway, here's the next chapter. The little stanza below was taken from the long-disbanded Hungry Young Poets' Firewoman. I'm sure most of you don't know this song (it's by a local band, you see) but it's just such a beautiful song. Download it over Kazaa or something! Heheh. Anyway, on with the fic!
Sweet Charade
The Ice Queen's Story
Did you come for danger
You gave me love for pain
Now you're much more than a stranger
I wanna give you love but all I have is rain
- Firewoman by Hungry Young Poets
It was mocking me, laughing at my ill-fate.
My translucent whip sliced the air leaving a shimmering streak of crystal behind. It was the Frost Fury, the latest (not to mention the most powerful) chain whip model available. I watched as its tip, a shard of crystal, hit the Belhelmel's face, knocking out its teeth. "Serves him right." I thought. "It was grinning at me."
The monster swayed from side to side as the comical look exited his face. Replacing it was a vicious glare. It screamed and countered with a laser-eye attack. Caught off-guard, I fell to the ground wincing in pain.
"Are you done yet…? I don't wanna talk about it."
A familiar rush of hurt panged my heart, squeezing the life out of it. I could hear your words that day, that unforgettable night in the Training center. The Garden had just taken away my instructor license, telling me that I had failed as an instructor, that I lacked leadership qualities. I became very depressed and wanted to feel comfort, comfort not just from anyone, from you…
"What am I supposed to say about other people's problems?"
I wasn't asking you to say something (though a little sympathy would have been nice). I just wanted you to listen.
"Then go talk to a wall."
With anger and hurt fueling my crestfallen spirit, I rose to my feet and uttered a silent mantra. I shivered a bit, feeling the icy breeze as shards of crystal came from nowhere, striking the annoying beast. Devastated, it continued its dance and changed its face once again, back to its irking stare.
"Everyone has to take care of themselves. I don't want to carry anyone's burden."
You said you didn't want to carry anyone's burden. Then Rinoa came into your life and you're suddenly this selfless caring person? Heck, you even risked your life for her and for the world! I don't understand, I don't understand it at all! Why couldn't it have been me who breathed life into your lifeless soul? I tried so hard to understand you— not just understand, but also change you, break those icy walls you've encased yourself in. But who am I kidding? I myself was living in a masquerade.
I had told you that it was just a misunderstood love, that it was my childhood feelings as a big sister that lingered, not love. But I lied. I had actually given up when Rinoa came into the picture. It was clear that you had feelings for her. I forced myself to be happy for you or at least appear happy even if I was dying inside. My only consolation was seeing you smile (thanks to her presence) and finding out that I was right all along… you do have a heart hiding somewhere inside that cold soul of yours.
The Belhelmel released another chuckle, its intimidating stare still focused at me. Hyne, I hated this monster. But it wasn't my only enemy. Fate was a villain as well.
When you and Rinoa broke up, I was delighted, not just delighted, exhilarated! Finally, Fate was on my side. Cid had just assigned me to a new mission. It required only one SeeD but I requested that I be accompanied by another. When asked who I wanted to be my partner for the mission, I uttered your name, your strength and professionalism being my reason. Of course I didn't really need a partner. I could handle all battles and accomplish all tasks by myself with ease. But I had to have an alibi, a good excuse to have some time alone with you. You were always too busy with Garden matters that you hardly had any time for me, or anyone else for that matter. And with Rinoa out of the picture, I would be able to confess my long-kept feelings for you and hopefully win your heart. It was perfect… until it happened.
"I don't need this right now. Our mission isn't over, Quistis. We still have to return to the Garden."
I was wrong. Fate wasn't my friend. It had been drowning me in a lake of illusions and lies all along. Blinded by false hope, I told you that I love you. And what did I get from my little confession? Another typical Squall Leonhart response. You hadn't change a single bit. You were still that selfish bastard who didn't give a damn about anyone or anything. I should've just let go of my feelings for you, do something Quistis Trepe was never known for doing… give up.
The monster twirled in the air and cast a Sleep spell upon me. The sweet lullaby had no effect on me as I am immune to all status attacks. Realizing its spell had failed, it reverted to its scowling face and charged at me with all its wrath, almost gashing my right arm. It pays to have a perfect evasion stat.
"Quistis!!!"
I heard you calling out to me. Your voice surprisingly had a tinge of vulnerability and desperation in it. I felt a sudden rush of panic, scared to see you for I didn't know what to do or say after that incident in the diner. I quickly took a high-potion and ran towards the East, leaving the glaring Belhelmel behind.
"Quistis!!! Where are you?"
My eyes brimmed with tears but I continued running. Your voice… It sounded so sad. Perhaps you had realized the error of your ways and wanted to apologize. Or maybe you had decided to cast your coldness away and listen, act as a real friend. I violently shook my head, casting my thoughts and tears away. It was stupid thinking about you. It's not like you'll ever love me back anyway. And perhaps it's about time that I learned to love myself over others… over you.
A Geezard jumped from nowhere and attacked me. Caught unprepared, I clumsily shimmied to my left, almost evading its attack, my knees and hands burned by the sizzling sand. I hastily got up and lashed out my Frost Fury, striking the measly monster. It let out a scream of agony and fell to the ground, its blood painting the ground crimson.
The Geezard was weak… But I was weaker.
The monster had the courage to fight despite its weakness. While I, on the other hand, couldn't even face you, running away from you like a scared cactuar.
I ran. I ran as fast as I could, away from the grinning Belhelmel, away from the bloody Geezard, away from you. My heart beat against my chest in agony and exhaustion. Thump…Thump…Thump… It went. Yet suddenly, I couldn't hear it pound anymore. It was overshadowed by another sound.
The sound of wheels going against tracks.
It was the train. I continued running towards the East, letting the warm breeze blow the tingling sand off my body. Finally, I had reached the East Academy Station. I bought a ticket back to Balamb and immediately boarded the Train. There was no time to waste. I headed towards the SeeD private cabin and accessed the control panel. The doors slid open, allowing me to enter the lush compartment. As soon as the doors shut close, I fell to my knees and cried.
.+"+.+"+.+"+.+"+.
Tiny crystals gently hit my face, washing away my anxiety. Alone I sat on the Rinaul Coast outside Balamb city, washing my face with water. The salty liquid panged my eyes but I didn't care. The heat was draining my energy and I couldn't bear entering the Garden looking like a mess.
"Hyne…" I sighed as I stared at my reflection. My face displayed nothing but sadness. I fought the urge to cry for it was useless. Besides, the people back in the Garden would just be suspicious if they saw my tear-strained eyes. I filled my cupped palms with water and brought them towards my face. Streams of water caressed my cheeks, cleansing the tear stains away. How I wish it could take away the pain as well.
My eyes watched as the sun kissed the sea, bidding it farewell, allowing the darkness to take over. It was getting late already. I wonder where you are. There was no sign of the Ragnarok anywhere. An image of you frantically looking for me alone in the desert came into my mind. I shut my eyes close, setting the vision aside. Such images would not be helpful at all in my plans to move on. It was hard, but it was the only thing left to do.
Taking a deep breath, I stood up, and finally walked towards the Garden.
.+"+.+"+.+"+.+"+.
"Are you alright, Miss Trepe?"
"I'm alright. I just came from a mission, you see."
"That explains the weariness on your face. Anyway, welcome back to the Garden, Miss Trepe. Have a nice day."
"You too."
The guard in the entrance of the Garden had sensed that something was wrong, even if I had my mask of coolness and composure on. If he could see through me, how much more the others? I removed the elastic band holding my hair quickly, allowing my golden tresses to fall and conceal the sadness on my face.
I've never broken a Garden rule in my entire life as a student. That's why they consider me as the Garden's prodigy, the perfect SeeD. I guess that's all going to change today. Garden Code, Article 3, Line 4 states that after a mission is completed, SeeDs are required to report to the Headmaster upon arrival at the Garden. Well, I'm tired of being enslaved by rules. I guess that's what's wrong with us, Squall. Garden runs our lives. We sacrifice our lives for it, even our love. It was the Garden's fault why we have this rift between us. Had they not teased me with the teaching position, I wouldn't be your instructor. You wouldn't be my student. We wouldn't have this teacher-student relationship hindering us. We could have been classmates, friends, or even lovers! But it's useless pondering about what could've been or should've been. I refuse to be enslaved by the past as well. Thank you, Squall, for indirectly teaching me that.
My tired feet dragged me towards the dormitory. How my body carved for a long soothing bath. I imagined myself inside my bathtub, white foamy bubbles everywhere, the scent of lavender filling the air. It was a quick escape from reality! I was a few room away from fulfilling my shallow fantasy when a familiar figure halted my tracks.
"Well, well, well. If it isn't my favorite Instructor. I see your finally back," he said, emphasizing the word 'favorite'. I guess he was trying to insult me, knowing that I had lost my instructor license mainly because of him.
I didn't reply. Instead, I tried to walk past him, only to be blocked by his towering figure.
"Why are you in such a hurry, Instructor? Aren't you enjoying my company?" he threw me a smirk and snickered.
I raised an eyebrow at him and placed my arm on my waist. The sadness in my soul was replaced by exasperation.
"Hey, where's your beloved Puberty Boy?"
"He had to drop by the city and have his gunblade upgraded." I coldly replied. I bit my inner cheek, hoping Seifer would buy my little lie. He was the last person I would want to tell about what had transpired earlier.
"Still don't trust me, eh?"
I titled my head, acting unaware of what he was trying to imply.
"Have his gunblade upgraded? To what? To the same model? Squally boy's gunblade is still the most powerful model at the moment. Well, maybe next to mine." He paused for a moment and took the time to circle around me, like a hawk on its prey. "And besides, why would he pass by the city if he could have it upgraded inside the Ragnarok?" He stopped in front of me and leaned closer, his green eyes twinkling with mirth. He was obviously enjoying this. "I bet your mimicking annoyed the shit out of him that he fled off without you!"
"Fuck off, Seifer." The words slipped past my lips. Cursing wasn't like me but I've never had such a shitty day either.
"My, my, Instructor! Cussing is very unbecoming of you. Care to tell me what's wrong?" he said in a sarcastic tone.
"No, I DON'T. Can you just get OUT of my way and LEAVE me ALONE?!" I was getting pissed not only because he was wasting my time, but also because he had to bring you up. "And since when did you fucking care, Almasy? Huh? Tell me!" Hurt fueled my soul, setting my heart on fire. I just wanted to get away from everything, from all the teasing and from all the pain, the pain from knowing the truth, that you and I would never be.
"Well, had it ever occurred to you that I ACTUALLY care? Oh wait, I FORGOT! You were always too BUSY fawning over FUCKING Puberty Boy to ever take notice of me!" he barked, his eyes now flaming in anger.
He was right. It was always you that mattered to me. I used to tell my students that they were all equal in my eyes. It was a lie. My whole Hyne-damned life was a lie, a fucking masquerade. Ashamed and trying to hide my now-watering eyes, I bowed my head and stared at the floor.
"Ah shit, Quistis…" he said in a soft tone unlike anything Seifer Almasy. It was rare for him to call me by my name. He had always called me Instructor, even after they had taken my license away. But that wasn't the only thing that surprised me. His sudden tenderness shocked me as well. It was as if he was really concerned and was not just mocking me.
He placed his index finger under my chin and gently lifted my face, leveling it with his. I wanted to look away. But I couldn't. His beautiful emerald eyes held me.
The intense gaze between the two of us ended as he slowly closed his eyes and leaned closer to me, gently brushing his soft lips against mine. He leaned his forehead on mine and fluttered his eyes open. His emerald pools glimmering with mirth awhile ago was now burning with passion.
Tempted by the sudden rush of pleasure filling my soul, I gave in and kissed him. I felt his heart pound against mine as he kissed me back with the same intensity. I wrapped my arms around his neck while his snaked around my waist, holding me closer to him.
I peeked and from the corner of my eye, I saw people staring at us in shock. My mind couldn't recognize their faces, perhaps because I was too lost in his kiss. Suddenly shy, I broke away from his lips and stared at the floor once again.
Realizing the lack of privacy, Seifer took my hand —Hyne, his hand was so soft!— and led me towards his room. My heart and mind were against it but nevertheless, I followed him, like a helpless moth entranced by the burning flame. As soon as the door slid close, he scooped me from my feet and gently laid me on his bed. My mind was screaming at me, telling me how wrong this was; me on his bed, him on top of me, it was all wrong according to my now-throbbing head! But I paid no attention. Lust had engulfed my soul. Yet deep inside, I knew it wasn't Seifer I was longing for. It was the pleasure itself.
He sent his trench coat and navy vest flying across air, revealing his well-defined arms and chest. After unbuttoning my black long-sleeved top using his fingers (and sending it flying as well), his lips began kissing an invisible path that trailed from my bosom to my navel. They were surprisingly soft, so gentle, something I didn't expect from him. Yearning for the sweet taste of his lips, I pulled his face towards mine and placed my lips upon his. A soft moan escaped his fine lips as he slid his tongue into my warm cavern.
Our tongues danced, our hands caressed each other's skin, and our hearts rapidly beat against each other as we cast loneliness and pain away.
Or maybe as he cast my loneliness and pain away.
I didn't know why he was here. Perhaps it was lust and nothing more. Or maybe it was the thought of being the first to ravage his favorite instructor's body. He was a heartless bastard after all. But his touch and kisses, they weren't hungry or demanding. They were the exact opposite; gentle and passionate, almost as if love was present between us. No, he couldn't love me. It was impossible! Even for a tiny bit of love in his heart for me was not possible. And he couldn't. He just couldn't! This was all a selfish game of loneliness and lust, not love!
But what if it was?
Angry at myself for using Seifer to drown my sorrows away, I burrowed my nails in his bare back. He released another moan, obviously savoring the pain. His smooth hands made its way towards my tresses, another gasp, he released. Slowly, he broke from our osculation and gently stroked my right cheek with his palm.
"Quistis," he whispered as a smile curved his lips.
Instead of making it soar, the genuineness in his smile and voice stabbed my heart. Scared and confused, I embraced him tightly, burrowing his face on my neck. I did not want to see his caring face. Warm tears escaped from the corner of my eyes as I felt him tease my neck with kisses.
I was too lost in his presence, drowning in his kisses, emancipated by his scent, that I didn't even notice your name slip past my lips.
"Squall…"
A/N: Ack. Hanged ending. Sorry. Anyway, thanks for reading! Reviews are still much appreciated, btw. Oh yeah. I took another stab at poetry. It's an angsty Squall x Quistis poem called Stained. Check it out if you want. I'm thinking of making a story out of it, possibly the ending (or one of the endings) of this little angsty fic. Well, ta for now! Till the next chapter (Seifer's Story)! ^_~