Chapter Three: Detention.OR. "'Scuse me."
As the six served their first detention, which was cleaning the trophy room, Brenwynne whispered, "Hey, Sirius? Remember what you said about McGonagall?"
"I said a lot of things about McGonagall," he replied, "You mean about her being a hardass, or an undercover Backstreet Boy disguised as a squirrel working for the CIA?"
"Neither," she said, through James' giggles, "About giving her a makeover."
"Yeah, What about it?" Sirius asked. Surely Brenwynne wasn't going to suggest.
"Well.Remember when you said you gave Dumbledore a Mohawk?"
She was.
"Yes.but I almost got expelled for that one. Mind you, Dumbledore thought it was funny. It was McGonagall who gave herself a wedgie over it."
"Well." Brenwynne continued, "What if we give McGonagall a Mohawk?"
Sirius considered the idea briefly. "Nah," he said, "Too predictable."
A few moments passed, and then Remus said, "How about this? You know how Professor Loser's always checking out that young Astronomy teacher? Well, what if we make McGonagall look like her?"
"No," Peter said excitedly, "We should make Dumbledore look like her!"
"Or," James said, "Since changing the Headmaster's gender will most certainly get us all expelled, Why don't we just leave that idea alone?"
"Good point," Peter muttered, but Sirius encouraged, "Come on, Jamesy! Live a little!"
"Absolutely not," Lily agreed with James, "I am NOT going to be sent home to spend the rest of my formative years with my sister Petunia!"
The six polished the remainder of the trophies without much dialogue, until Sirius stood up.
"I," he declared, "Have an announcement to make."
"Ooh, listen up," Brenwynne said, "BigFatSuperIdiotDork wants to tell us something!"
Sirius growled, then said, "I have the best prank in the entire world. And it involves Professor Loser."
The other five leaned in closer to listen.
"Okay, here's the plan," Sirius said, "And it's going to involve a whole lot of duct tape."
* * * * *
The next day, as the six headed towards the dungeon for their second detention, Sirius' pockets were oddly weighed down, and both girls were sporting a roll of duct tape on each wrist, underneath their robes.
Professor Losseaur was overseeing their latter detention, and stood leering behind them as they disemboweled a huge barrel full of Sand Newts.
After about an hour had passed, Sirius leaned forward a little, and let loose an enormously powerful burst of gas from his bottom. He rocked back and forth a little from the shock waves.
"That's the signal," James whispered.
"Oh, Professor Lose-um-Losseaur!" Peter whined, "I feel so ill.I think I'm allergic to the hormones these newts' kidneys are secreting!"
"Kidneys don't secrete hormones, you idiot!" Lily hissed, but Professor Losseaur apparently didn't know that.
"Lovely," he muttered, and grabbed Peter's arm. "I'll take him to the hospital wing. The rest of you stay here, and DON'T CAUSE ANY TROUB-WHOO!"
Professor Losseaur had apparently caught Sirius' scent and flew from the room with fat little Peter in tow.
"All right!" James yelled, "Let's go!"
The girls whipped the duct tape off their wrist, and displayed it proudly. "Double-sided," Lily bragged, "Which will save us a lot of work."
The remaining five set to arranging the duct tape on the wall of the dungeon. After it was set up in the pattern they had agreed upon, all five raced back to the barrel of Sand Newts and began hurling handfuls of them at the duct-taped wall. When they ran out of toads, the five raced back to the Gryffindor common room, having technically finished their detentions fifteen minutes ago.
The next morning, the Marauders' message was displayed across the South wall of the dungeons, written in newt guts stuck to duct tape, mounted on the wall:
PROFESSOR LOSER WEARS PINK UNDERWEAR
All of Gryffindor and even half of Slytherin laughed, until Professor Losseaur strode into the room.
"Okay, class, today we will be-WHAT THE FUCK?! HOW DID YOU KNOW?! I mean- Who has plastered this-this-abomination all over my walls?"
"I imagine it was the same people who had detentions here last night," Snape drawled, looking quite pleased with himself.
"Who asked you, Baby Spice?" Sirius retorted.
"Oh, you'll be seeing the Headmaster about THIS," Professor Losseaur hissed.
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Like that threat means much to me," he said smugly, "I get sent to the Headmaster three time a day. In fact, he must be getting worried. He hasn't heard from me in over two hours."
James sniggered. "Are you kidding?" he asked Professor Losseaur, "They call the Headmaster whenever he needs to go to the loo-just in case, you know?"
As the six served their first detention, which was cleaning the trophy room, Brenwynne whispered, "Hey, Sirius? Remember what you said about McGonagall?"
"I said a lot of things about McGonagall," he replied, "You mean about her being a hardass, or an undercover Backstreet Boy disguised as a squirrel working for the CIA?"
"Neither," she said, through James' giggles, "About giving her a makeover."
"Yeah, What about it?" Sirius asked. Surely Brenwynne wasn't going to suggest.
"Well.Remember when you said you gave Dumbledore a Mohawk?"
She was.
"Yes.but I almost got expelled for that one. Mind you, Dumbledore thought it was funny. It was McGonagall who gave herself a wedgie over it."
"Well." Brenwynne continued, "What if we give McGonagall a Mohawk?"
Sirius considered the idea briefly. "Nah," he said, "Too predictable."
A few moments passed, and then Remus said, "How about this? You know how Professor Loser's always checking out that young Astronomy teacher? Well, what if we make McGonagall look like her?"
"No," Peter said excitedly, "We should make Dumbledore look like her!"
"Or," James said, "Since changing the Headmaster's gender will most certainly get us all expelled, Why don't we just leave that idea alone?"
"Good point," Peter muttered, but Sirius encouraged, "Come on, Jamesy! Live a little!"
"Absolutely not," Lily agreed with James, "I am NOT going to be sent home to spend the rest of my formative years with my sister Petunia!"
The six polished the remainder of the trophies without much dialogue, until Sirius stood up.
"I," he declared, "Have an announcement to make."
"Ooh, listen up," Brenwynne said, "BigFatSuperIdiotDork wants to tell us something!"
Sirius growled, then said, "I have the best prank in the entire world. And it involves Professor Loser."
The other five leaned in closer to listen.
"Okay, here's the plan," Sirius said, "And it's going to involve a whole lot of duct tape."
* * * * *
The next day, as the six headed towards the dungeon for their second detention, Sirius' pockets were oddly weighed down, and both girls were sporting a roll of duct tape on each wrist, underneath their robes.
Professor Losseaur was overseeing their latter detention, and stood leering behind them as they disemboweled a huge barrel full of Sand Newts.
After about an hour had passed, Sirius leaned forward a little, and let loose an enormously powerful burst of gas from his bottom. He rocked back and forth a little from the shock waves.
"That's the signal," James whispered.
"Oh, Professor Lose-um-Losseaur!" Peter whined, "I feel so ill.I think I'm allergic to the hormones these newts' kidneys are secreting!"
"Kidneys don't secrete hormones, you idiot!" Lily hissed, but Professor Losseaur apparently didn't know that.
"Lovely," he muttered, and grabbed Peter's arm. "I'll take him to the hospital wing. The rest of you stay here, and DON'T CAUSE ANY TROUB-WHOO!"
Professor Losseaur had apparently caught Sirius' scent and flew from the room with fat little Peter in tow.
"All right!" James yelled, "Let's go!"
The girls whipped the duct tape off their wrist, and displayed it proudly. "Double-sided," Lily bragged, "Which will save us a lot of work."
The remaining five set to arranging the duct tape on the wall of the dungeon. After it was set up in the pattern they had agreed upon, all five raced back to the barrel of Sand Newts and began hurling handfuls of them at the duct-taped wall. When they ran out of toads, the five raced back to the Gryffindor common room, having technically finished their detentions fifteen minutes ago.
The next morning, the Marauders' message was displayed across the South wall of the dungeons, written in newt guts stuck to duct tape, mounted on the wall:
PROFESSOR LOSER WEARS PINK UNDERWEAR
All of Gryffindor and even half of Slytherin laughed, until Professor Losseaur strode into the room.
"Okay, class, today we will be-WHAT THE FUCK?! HOW DID YOU KNOW?! I mean- Who has plastered this-this-abomination all over my walls?"
"I imagine it was the same people who had detentions here last night," Snape drawled, looking quite pleased with himself.
"Who asked you, Baby Spice?" Sirius retorted.
"Oh, you'll be seeing the Headmaster about THIS," Professor Losseaur hissed.
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Like that threat means much to me," he said smugly, "I get sent to the Headmaster three time a day. In fact, he must be getting worried. He hasn't heard from me in over two hours."
James sniggered. "Are you kidding?" he asked Professor Losseaur, "They call the Headmaster whenever he needs to go to the loo-just in case, you know?"