Behind Enemy Lines
By: rainjewel
Epilogue: Flower in the Rain
"So here I am again
Willing to be opened up
And broken like a
Flower in the rain
Tell me what have I to do to die
And then be rinsed
To reach beyond the pain
Like a flower in the rain."
~ Jaci Velasquez, "Flower in the Rain"
~*~
Morning found Van on the roof, basking in the light glow of the new Fanelian day. He had left his bed early this morning, kissing a still slumbering Dilandau on the temple as he left in order to watch the sun rise. There was something extremely comforting of the certainty of the sun. It never failed to rise. The world was full of uncertainties and other things that made Van nervous, but never the sun.
He smiled and stretched against the roof tiles, feeling his back pop deliciously. Wings had an uncanny way of knocking his spine out of alignment. The cracking sound of his bones felt wonderful, even if it silenced the birds around him, startling them to flight.
But the sound of footsteps could not be quieted.
Van twisted around to find Hitomi walking towards him, eyes trained on her shoes to maintain balance. He was slightly surprised—he had never expected her to come up here, but it was also odd because he had just been considering finding her. There was a much-needed conversation that needed to occur…it seemed she was going to instigate it.
He waited silently until she was right beside him, watching her as she sat down with the utmost care. Hitomi wasn't nearly as used to rooftops as he was, and she didn't have the benefit of wings should she fall.
"How did you find me?" he asked as soon as she looked settled. Almost immediately he felt like an ass. Nope, not "Good morning, Hitomi. I'm sorry for being a confused asshole," or "I'm really sorry about all that's happened, what can I do to make you happy?" but instead I come off as pissed. This is almost too classic.
Ah. And she was giving him the same look she had colors upon colors ago when he had demanded he give her the power she possessed. What if he had just said what he had been feeling in his heart? How different would things be?
"Dowsing," Hitomi said after a moment. She looked at him without a smile. "And I remembered that you have a penchant for rooftops."
Van half-smiled as he turned to face her. "Hitomi, I'm sor—"
"Please, don't." She held up both her hands, body flinching as if it had been hit. Her eyes closed.
"Okay," Van whispered. Having an inkling that this might be the Very-Wrong-Thing to do or the Very-Extremely-Right-Thing to do, he reached out and took her hand with his gloved one, caressing it with his fingers. "But Hitomi, there are a dozen things we need to discuss."
Hitomi nodded, a small sound echoing from her throat, but her eyes remained closed. Van watched her struggle to keep from breaking down, body shaking beneath a pair of loose pants (were those his?) and white shirt. Still, tears began to stream from beneath her closed eyes.
"Van," she said, so softly he almost didn't catch it, "I—I know you love him. I know that he loves you, just as much as me."
"Yes." Van watched as Hitomi withdrew her hand from his. She wiped her face with it, then opened her green eyes, thickly framed by watery lashes.
"I know the wedding is off, obviously," she said, still wiping absently at her face.
"I'm sorry, Hitomi," he said, before realizing that she didn't want to hear those words.
Hitomi's chin quivered. "Van…it's all right, I think. We've changed. It's hard to accept, but we're different people now. You're not the Van I knew, and I'm nothing like I used to be."
"What?" Van asked. He looked into her eyes. Had they really changed? Or had new variables been brought into what had been such a simple equation?
"I'm in love with what was," Hitomi whispered. "And that's something different than what is."
Van blinked a few times. "Hitomi…why do you think…"
"Folken once said I had a gift for understanding people," Hitomi said, catching his confusion. She shifted on the sunny tile, bringing her hands around her knees. "And after talking to Dilandau and thinking all yesterday afternoon, I realized what had happened."
"I haven't changed," Van said softly. "And I don't think you have either."
"Don't lie to yourself," Hitomi said, voice rising. Van knew that tone—this was Hitomi knowing she was right. This was the Hitomi that hadn't changed. So how could she…
"I'm not lying," he protested.
"Van, I am not who I used to be. I am no longer as optimistic or as innocent as I used to be. I gave up my naivete and took on depression," Hitomi said, gazing into his eyes with determination. "You'll see after a while."
Van picked at his boot. He didn't like the idea that he had changed. He liked the person Hitomi had left at the end of the Great War, a person she had helped create.
"Look to yourself Van," she continued. "Fanelia used to be all you could ever think about, all you could concern yourself with. Now you've focused on yourself and others around you. Unfortunately, it seems I left too soon."
Hitomi's face grimaced, as did Van's.
"Fanelia is always my primary concern. I'm trying to make things work here," he said, struggling to keep his tone neutral.
Hitomi sighed. "I'm not going to get through to you, am I?"
Van shrugged, annoyed with himself. "I don't know what you're talking about."
They sat in silence for a while, uneasy with each other's presence. Absently, Van wondered if Dilandau had woken up and was looking for him. Hitomi looked down at her scarred hands.
"What makes you love him?" Hitomi asked softly. "I can't understand what you see in him…all I know is that you're so damned happy when he's around."
"Hitomi…" Van shifted on the roof, crossing and uncrossing his legs. "I don't really know. He's…different…with me. I know that doesn't help, but he can be so…wonderful at times."
"Really?" Hitomi asked, her voice sounding like a cross of genuine curiosity and skepticism.
"Yes. Can you understand that?" Van asked, keeping his tone light. Hitomi buried her hands in her hair.
"Still, how can you love him?" She said, voice rising, "He's bloodthirsty and violent! He murders without a thought! How could you love a killer, Van!"
"How could you?" Van asked, his own voice rising. Stop! he thought to himself, don't end this in an argument.
"You are not a killer," Hitomi said softly, emerald eyes darkening.
Van shook his head. "I've killed many, many men. Just because I won the war, just because our principles won out, doesn't make me any less a murderer. The end doesn't justify the means."
"You didn't enjoy it," Hitomi said. Her hand flitted in the air by his shoulder, but it returned to her lap without touching him.
Venom flowed into Van's mouth. "Do you have any idea what has happened to Dilandau? You have no idea what he has been through, what he has struggled with."
"Yes," Hitomi whispered, eyes wide. "Yes, I do."
Van jerked in surprise. "What?"
"I know…I know what has been done to him. I know what he has been through," Hitomi whispered, softer this time. She looked at her hands again while Van absorbed this information. After a moment she took a deep breath. "But despite it all Van, it doesn't excuse what he has done."
"If I could get my hands on one of those sorcerers…" Van shook his head, feeling his face darken, "I'd kill them. And I would enjoy it."
"Van!" Hitomi said sharply. "You wouldn't."
Van straightened. "I would."
"What's wrong with you?" Hitomi asked, searching his eyes. "You didn't used to think this way."
"I didn't know of all the horrors in this world, Hitomi," Van growled. He stood up, resisting the urge to lash out and attack something.
"What," Hitomi began, standing up carefully as well, "Could possibly be more horrifying than war?"
"HOW WOULD YOU KNOW!" Van screamed. Hitomi blanched. He touched his face tiredly, closing his eyes. "You never fought a war with your hands, never killed a thing. It's easy for you to tell me what is right from wrong when you've never had a drop of blood touch your hands."
Hitomi stepped back. "Van…"
Van's look softened. "I'm sorry, Hitomi. I didn't mean to yell."
"I don't understand you," Hitomi said, eyebrows knitted in thought.
"No, you understand almost everything about me," Van said. His heart gave a lurch, and he kept his emotions in check. He held out a hand to her. "Hitomi, you have always seen my good side, and you teased it out of me, and I'll love you eternally for that. But that's all you've ever seen—the goodness in me. There's more to me than that."
"I know that, Van," Hitomi said. She stepped towards to Van, looking at his outstretched hand as if it might bite her.
Van shook his head. "You don't understand it, which is another one of the reasons I love you. I would love to not be able to understand evil. But I do, Hitomi…I do. You said I've changed—I don't think I have. I'm just more aware of everything I am."
Hitomi took another step closer. Van's arm softly slid around her shoulders. It seemed to trigger the pain that both were feeling. Within seconds, Van found himself pulling Hitomi into a tight embrace. A hot, sticky stain began to form on his shirt where her tears fell. Van felt his own tears make salty tracks down his face.
"This would be so much easier if I could hate you," Hitomi whispered.
"I don't want you to hate me," Van replied.
"I know."
"I'm sorry, Hitomi. I am."
"I know that too."
Van closed his eyes. "It wouldn't have worked out."
"Perhaps," Hitomi whispered. "I'll have to take your word on that."
Van wanted to tell her that he wanted her to stay with him on Gaea, stay in Fanelia. He wanted her to be his best friend, as she had been in the war. But he knew he'd asked too much of her all ready. She should do what she wanted.
Hitomi gently broke from the embrace. She looked up at him, face thoughtful and green eyes deep. He met her with an intense gaze, trying to measure his damage. After a bit, she smiled and straightened her shoulders.
"I'm fine," she said. This time it wasn't a whisper.
Van remembered the last time she had said those words. "Are you sure?"
"No," she said, but the smile didn't falter. "But this is the way things are. There's not much point in fighting reality."
"Hitomi…" Van said, displeased.
"I'm going to leave!" she said then, hurriedly and voice strained. Van tensed. Hitomi stepped away from him. "I have to get away from this for a little while," she said, wiping at her eyes, which were shining again.
Don't you mean to get away from me?
"You're returning to the Mystic Moon?" Van said. He furrowed his eyebrows.
She shook her head. "No…I don't think that's my home any longer. I need a place…a place…a place where you aren't! Where you and Dilandau are not there, so I can sort myself out."
Hitomi began to cry again, bringing her hands up to her face. Van watched her silently, and then felt some of his own tears slide down his cheek.
"So I'm trying to say that this is a goodbye, Van," she said through parted fingers. "I understand now…and I still love you."
Van held back a sob, but he still heard a small choked sound rise from his throat. Hitomi smiled at him, being as brave as she had for him before, then turned and walked away, carefully picking her way over the roof tile.
He didn't call out to her. He watched her go, and let the pain eat him alive.
You are the martyr. You are the sacrifice to my happiness. I'm sorry Hitomi. I know you didn't want to hear it, but I am sorry beyond comprehension.
~*~
Dilandau opened his eyes, squinting into the harsh Fanelian sun. The high window of his bedroom had transparent, white curtains that did nothing to keep the light out.
"Not. Yet," he mumbled to no one in particular. With a groan he rolled over, feeling his irritation wane as the sunlight warmed his bare back. Still, it was the third time the damn light had woken him this morning. It was fine if Van wanted to get up at the butt-crack of dawn, but Dilandau had planned more of a lay-in for the morning
Some of us like a little shut-eye now and then.
Dilandau's eyes slid open against his better judgement. It seemed his body was ready to start the day. As if to drive the point home, a hoot came from high above him. Dilandau didn't even look to see if Natal was perched on his bedpost.
"I. Am. Tired," he said softly. He ran a hand through his hair, soothing in its touch. Ignoring his internal clock—by soldier standards he guessed he'd overslept about…six hours…no biggy—he closed his eyes again.
Then came a knock at the door.
Dilandau threw his pillow at it, irritated as hell. Natal hooted loudly.
"I'm asleep, damnit!" he yelled.
Van's head poked through the door. "I see that." He picked up the pillow.
"Oh. It's you," Dilandau said. He flopped back against the mattress, head barely missing the headboard. His eyes followed Van as he walked to the bed. The brown-eyed boy sat down on the opposite side, thought better of it, changed positions and lay down beside Dilandau.
Dilandau took his pillow from Van and placed it behind his head. Van sighed but said nothing. No longer feeling silly, Dilandau lightly laced his fingers with the other boy's and stared up at the ceiling. He sensed that something was wrong with Van, but couldn't quite put his thumb on it.
"Hitomi's leaving," Van said after a bit. Good, Dilandau thought.
So…that was what had him all upset. Dilandau stared at Van for a brief second. He didn't know what to say—he was versed in the arts of death, not comfort. So instead he developed a sudden need to pick at the sheets bunched around his hips.
Van rubbed his nose with the palm of his hand. "I didn't realize she had…learned…about what had happ—about you."
Dilandau's fascination grew. He drew the sheets up further. Van continued, oblivious.
"She says she has to get away from me," Van sighed. "I want to say I never thought I would hurt her…but that would be a lie. I—I knew."
Dilandau had never heard something sound so broken.
"Van…you can't change the way she felt," Dilandau said softly, tearing himself away from the sheets. "It was something that was going to happen, and it wasn't going to be easy on anyone."
"We've all gone through so much," Van said, looking towards the window. He sighed and his head bowed. "I don't know what I'm doing anymore."
Dilandau slowly sat up. He kissed the back of Van's neck and gently ran a hand down the boy's spine. There was still that vague sense of feeling like a halfwit at these touches of affection, but slowly Dilandau let himself delve into these little sentiments. For him he would always be more comfortable at being the cold, yet knowledgeable lover, but that wasn't what Van needed. Van was a passionate being when it came to love, to physical contact. He always had been. Pride drove Dilandau, but with Van it had always been passion.
Van leaned back against Dilandau's bare chest, eyes closing. The touch of the albino was balm to his soul. The silence, the power, and the calculation that lay underneath that creamy skin was reassuring for him. Dilandau spoke of his devotion with actions. His words were saved for banter and vicious insults.
Dilandau trailed kisses down Van's throat and shoulders. Slowly the Fanelian was relaxing in his grip. His hands, aristocratic and slender, gradually moved over the canvas of Van's caramel skin, caressing every dip and curve. As comforting as the touches were, Dilandau knew that words were needed. Problems were not solved, and Van's heart was still not at ease.
"Pigeon, I want you to listen to me," he whispered in Van's ear, kissing it as he did so. "Things are hard now, I won't deny that. However, things always get better. Hitomi will move on. The country will settle down. Your people have survived a war, they will definitely survive this minor upset. Do not take the world on your shoulders."
"But I am king," Van protested. Dilandau ran his fingers through his hair. He felt his old impatience rising but successfully crushed it.
"Oh really?" he asked lightly. He moved to the dark-haired boy's side and gently pressed him against the mattress. Van's eyes fluttered open, looking quite soft.
Dilandau stared at him for a moment, feeling the gears turn in his head. Humbly, he lay down atop Van, kissing the king's collarbone. He fit his head under Van's chin, sighing as he felt the Draconian's arms encircle him.
"I need you, Pigeon," he said softly. He closed his eyes, not even bothered that once upon a time he thought that having to need someone was a weakness. "I need you and I love you."
Van squeezed him. "Then everything's all right."
Dilandau rose up, propping himself on his elbows above Van. He smiled at his king, and then kissed him a few times over, until both of them felt slightly dizzy.
"I love you," Van whispered. His hands began skittering all over Dilandau's sides and back. The albino's eyes darkened, and he kissed him again. It was his way of saying everything was going to be okay.
~*~
Hitomi stepped out of the carriage, carrying only an old bag of Folken's and wearing the bloodstained outfit she had arrived in. She wanted nothing of Van's with her. Not for a while.
"Are you all right, ma'am?" asked the driver. She looked to him.
"I'm fine. Go ahead and return," she said brightly. The driver saluted smartly, and the carriage pulled away.
Hitomi turned back and looked to up at the gorgeous Asturian Palace. For some reason her heart felt warmer being here. Millerna had shared her pain during the Great War. It seemed so comforting to return to this place, despite the fact that so many memories were attached to this country.
The huge doors flew open before Hitomi, causing her to jump slightly. Millerna came pacing down the walkway, a huge smile on her face. Hitomi couldn't help but smile in return, no matter how much her heart hurt.
The blonde girl embraced her warmly before she greeted her. Hitomi felt like crying right then and there, but refrained from breaking down so soon.
"Hello Hitomi. I figured you'd come here," Millerna said softly, stepping back.
"I can't be there with them right now," Hitomi said. She looked to the sparkling Asturian canals.
"Someday you will be able to," Millerna said. She placed an arm around Hitomi's shoulders and gently began leading the girl inside the castle. "But for now, how about we have a few good bottles of vino?"
Hitomi couldn't help but crack a smile, hearing the hidden amusement in Millerna's voice. They both remembered Hitomi's last bout with the vino bottle.
"Yes, Millerna. I think a few bottles of vino would be just the ticket."
~*~
A/N: Thanks again to everyone for reading and reviewing. I'm sorry I was so burned out towards the end of this. Your praise and patience are dear to me. My gratitude is not enough to make up for my behavior, but thank you again, all the same.
~*~