Destiny Lost
#1: In the Space of a Heartbeat
Authors: Sonya and Erin
E-mail: sonyajeb@swbell.net OR carynsilver@yahoo.com
Rating: PG-13
Category: B/X, AU, action/adventure, romance
Summary: An accident seconds before being chosen causes the Slayer Essence to skip Buffy, leaving her a normal girl. Then, a year and a half later, her mom's new job and her parents' divorce brings Buffy and her mother to Sunnydale, where Buffy comes in contact with the world of the night and a young man dedicated to its destruction.
Disclaimer: We do not own Buffy or any of the original characters or ideas from the show. They all belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc. All we own is our own creative genius (unless that's too strong a word :) and any characters we make up.
Distribution: Sure, just let us know where it is!
Feedback: Love it! We want to know your likes AND dislikes. Flames are the only thing we do not accept.
Spoilers: Basic BtVS mythology and vampire/slayer lore
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Chapter 7
The Factory
"Pet!" Spike called when he stepped foot over the threshold of their lair. "Where are you? I have quite a surprise for you, baby! Wait 'til you hear what daddy found out."
"And whatever could that be, dearie?" Willow purred, stepping slowly out of the shadows. She paused, posing seductively in her newly acquired, emerald green, lace nightgown. "Tell me quickly now, for Mommy must know!"
Spike moved closer to Willow and enjoyed the view. "Pet! Is that a new outfit for me?" He tugged on her long, auburn hair fiercely -- it might have hurt a mortal, but for them it was play.
When Willow didn't answer him right away, Spike put on a play pout. "Don't you care what Daddy has to say, my lover?" The incestuousness of that statement didn't bother him at all. But Willow wasn't very talkative tonight. The frown quickly became real. When he'd been with Dru, she'd always been interested in his findings. Of course, Dru had rarely gotten out because she was so weak, but that didn't matter. If Spike were going to share his victories with someone, she had to be worthwhile.
His finger tangled itself deeper into her hair, and then grabbed a bunch of it hard, pulling her head backwards. "Your little pseudo-Slayer, that child who pretends he's a Chosen One -- he's got a new girlie. Looks like he's gotten over you for good, lover, and for a little blonde, too."
Willow growled low in her throat, her true face manifesting itself over her features as her anger grew. With a yell, she wrenched herself free from Spike's grasp and pushed him away. As he fell backwards onto the floor, knocking over a nearby table and sending everything that had been sitting on it crashing down around him, her eyes landed on his right hand, which was clenched in a fist around a wad of auburn hair. Willow felt tears of rage come to her eyes as she reached a trembling hand to the back of her head and it came back with blood smeared on the fingers from where Spike's fingernails had dug deep into the sensitive skin of her scalp. The sweet, coppery smell of the blood brought Willow back out of her rage-fueled daze and she calmed down a bit, looking over at Spike with a million questions in her eyes.
Knowing that her vampire lover's eyes were still on her, Willow smiled a sultry smile and slowly licked the blood off of her index finger. Taking a step forward, Willow kneeled by Spike and swung her right leg across and over his thighs, straddling him as he lay back on his elbows, watching her every move. Then she smiled seductively, running her blood covered fingers over his lips slowly. "Now, Spikey," she purred, lightly raking the nails of her other hand across his chest through his black, silk shirt. "I know you're going to tell me everything about the bitch who's sleeping with our enemy. And you'd better not leave out any of the juicy details... or Mommy will be very unhappy."
Spike's demon visage transformed his face at the taste of blood on his lips. He licked her finger clean and then nipped it with his fangs.
"Now you've gone and made me all hungry again, lover. And I've already had my dinner tonight." He pouted -- or it would have been a pout if his fangs hadn't been in the way.
But gradually he got control over himself again, and proceeded to answer her question. "She's a pert little blonde. Stunning actually. And strong, for a mortal. She got a few good blows in on Linus before the pseudo-Slayer came and staked him."
Spike paused, shaking his head. "I was almost sorry to lose Linus. For a new one, he had good style."
Then he picked Willow up, and got to his own feet before setting her down again. More gently this time.
"Anyway, Harris seemed a bit gaga for the wench. He took her into the inner sanctum. I heard him call her Buffy."
Spike grinned. "Now it's time for dessert. You whetted my appetite. Coming, lover? Some tasty young ones must be leaving the Bronze right about now."
Willow pouted prettily, looking down at her new nightgown that was now stained with blood from their earlier "festivities." Facing Spike, she grinned and stepped up close to him, running her hands through his peroxide-blonde hair. "Look at my new pretty clothes, they're all ruined now. I'll have to throw them away 'cause blood stains never come out."
Tracing a finger down his cheek, she giggled and said, "Maybe my Spikey will take me out to cheer me up. We could kill some innocents, make a night of it. And then we'll pay a visit to this Muffy... Duffy... Fluffy... Buffy bitch."
Willow's eyes hardened and her smiled disappeared to be replaced with an angry snarl. "I'll make her regret ever sticking her nose into our affairs. And won't it just be absolutely wonderful to watch Xander cry as he finds her dead body waiting for him on his door step?"
Willow's eyes lit up at the thought of causing Xander Harris pain. After the way he'd treated her, the way he'd scorned her love, he deserved whatever they could dish out at him! In her excitement, Willow pressed her forehead against Spike's, clasping her hands around the back of his neck and giving him a long, lingering kiss that promised more fun to come... if he played his cards right. "I'm getting all hot and excited just thinking about it, lover. We can drain her together and dance on her grave!"
"Sounds freakin' fabulous to me, pet," Spike replied, whipping out his fangs again. "You find a new gown that's not so... er... bloody. Then we'll go find some dessert. And then we'll scout out the new girl in town."
Willow nodded and skipped off into her bedroom, hardly able to contain her excitement. They were finally going to make Xander pay for what he'd done to her! Willow felt like dancing, she was so happy!
Quickly pulling off the bloodstained nightgown, Willow threw it into the trash and began sorting through her wardrobe for something suitable to wear. As she looked through all the clothes, she began to hum a merry tune. Finally, Willow found the perfect outfit, it was one of Spike's favorites. She pulled on the black, skin-tight leather pants and the matching black leather boustier and then she frowned. Something was missing.
Willow toyed with the idea of putting her hair up and grinned, finally realizing what would make the ensemble complete. Willow pulled her long, auburn tresses up into a beautiful mass of curls on top of her head and left a few tendrils hanging down to frame her lovely face. Then she picked up a black, velvet choker necklace from the nearby table and fastened it around her slender neck. Happy with the results of her efforts, Willow quickly pulled on her boots and walked back outside to where Spike was waiting for her.
After posing seductively for Spike's benefit, she walked right up to him and linked her arm through his. "Shall we go, lover?" she asked with a coy smile. "It's long past time for dessert and Mommy's getting hungry."
"C'mon, pet," Spike said, slinging an arm around her luminous bare shoulders. Then they walked off into the night.
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Buffy was about halfway through the journey to her house when she started to get the uneasy feeling that she was being watched. She was still limping a little from the encounter with Linus. So, as protection, she pulled the cross Mr. Giles had given her out of her purse. Holding the wooden icon in her hand made her feel better somehow.
She heard footsteps crunching on the gravel behind her, and whirled around. "Who's there?" she demanded, trying to make her voice sound fierce and strong.
Xander stepped out of the shadows, holding up his hands. "Hey, chill out Xena Warrior Princess! It's only me." Giving her a lop-sided grin and shoving his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket, he added, "I promise, I don't bite."
Buffy's scowl turned into a smile. Then the smile dissolved into a carefully neutral expression. "So, no one wants me hanging around, but you don't want me dismembered or eaten on the way home. That's so sweet."
She turned around a kept walking towards home. A part of her was grateful when he followed, though she was still angry, too. She was angry at the librarian for his inability to change. She was somewhat miffed at Sonya for not taking her offer of friendship -- though Buffy knew there wasn't any more she could do about that. But mostly Buffy was mad at Xander. He didn't seem to care if they never saw each other again just so long as his precious darkness warrior thing wasn't disturbed. And part of her was angry at herself for caring what Xander thought.
The silence grew oppressive, so finally she said, "What am I supposed to do with all this, Xander? What am I supposed to think?" She paused, biting her lip. "I just don't understand. They let you into their little fighting bad guys club, but I'm not good enough. It just seems to me that you guys can use all the help you can get."
"They didn't really want me in their fighting bad guys club, as you so eloquently put it, either," Xander replied. He smiled a little bit, though it was a sad smile. "But I didn't give them much of a choice in the matter. I was such a fool back then."
Sighing, Xander said, "Look, there's a lot that you don't know about me, Buffy. I guess you could say there were extenuating circumstances." He paused, trying to determine how much he should tell her. Finally, he came to a decision. "Maybe it would help clear things up a little bit if I told you about Willow."
At Buffy's puzzled frown, he clarified, "She was my best friend for the first 15 years of my life. We did everything together... she, me and Jesse. But about a year and a half ago, both Willow and Jesse disappeared. No one knew what had happened, but when the police found Jesse's body, drained completely of blood, they assumed that Willow was dead, too.
"I was a wreck after that. I mean, how does a kid cope with the fact that the only two people in the entire world that cared about him are dead? My parents weren't any help, they never even cared about me before the incident, so why should they change their tune now, right? So I just kind of shut down. My grades, which weren't stellar to begin with, began to slip and I pretty much stopped speaking to anyone. I became the school freak, no one wanted anything to do with me, but I didn't care. And then, when I was at my lowest point, Willow decided to pay me a visit. That was how I met Sonya, actually. She saved me from being turned into a vampire by Willow. And after that, it became my mission in life to fight the vampires.
"Giles and Sonya wouldn't hear of it. They said it was too dangerous for an ordinary mortal to fight against vampires and other demons. But I didn't listen. I began to follow Sonya on her patrols every night, staying just out of sight, waiting for a chance to help. And then I got my wish, though not really in the way I wanted it.
"You see, Sonya was fighting this big, nasty vampire who called himself the Master. He lived underground. And while they were fighting, there was a cave in. The Master was killed by a falling rock that decapitated him, but Sonya managed to almost make it out alive, until she was pinned by a rock, unable to move her legs. That's when she was paralyzed. I managed to get her out, but the damage was already done. The doctors couldn't help her, so she and Giles decided to look for other ways.
"Right now, they're trying to find a spell to cure her, but the chances of them succeeding are slim to none. So that's were I come in. You see, Willow took over as leader of the vampires after the Master was killed. And she wanted me dead because I wouldn't join her. So she kept sending vampire assassins after me, which is why Giles finally agreed to let me help -- me and this guy Angel, but I won't get into that story now. If Giles hadn't decided to train me to be able to fight the vamps, I would have ended up dead. Willow would have seen to it. So now I get the oh-so-wonderful task of trying to slay the vampires until we can cure Sonya."
Sighing, he added in a soft voice, "Believe me, Buffy. If I had it all to do over again, I would run away from this town as fast as my feet could carry me. I mean, defending the world and all that jazz sounds really cool in theory, but in real life, when you have to look death in the face every night and spend all of your time fighting and no time actually LIVING, the whole "chosen one" thing looses it charm really fast."
Xander looked Buffy directly in the eyes and said in his most serious voice, "That's why you should just try to put all of this behind you, Buffy. Because if you're not careful, the darkness just creeps up on you when you're not looking and then one day you wake up and realize that you've been spending all your time fighting vampires and other assorted demons and everything else in life has fallen by the wayside. I mean, I haven't even thought about making friends or having dates or anything else normal in over a year and a half! While everyone else my age is deciding who they're going to take to prom, all I can think about are ambush tactics and how to improve my fighting skills. I have no friends except for Sonya, Giles and Angel. And even they don't really know me. They have no clue about what my home life is like; only Angel has any idea about that and even he doesn't know the whole story. The others just assume that all the cuts and bruises I come in with are from vampires. They don't know about any of that stuff."
Xander paused, running a hand through his hair as he thought of the best way to phrase what he had to say next. "Buffy, is that really what you want for your life? Because if you throw in with us, you don't get to have a "get out of jail free card" that lets you off the hook when things go badly. Once you get mixed up in all of this, you can't change your mind. It doesn't work that way. So you can just forget about that normal life you seem to want, because that goes right out the window first thing. And having a good relationship with your mom or anyone else? Forget about it. Because no matter what you decide to do, you can't tell anyone about all of this. They couldn't handle it. And the secrets and lies that you'll have to tell on a daily basis in order to keep the secret if you join us basically ruin your other relationships."
"Look," Xander said, touching Buffy's shoulder gently. "You wanted to know what you were supposed to do now, right? Well, my best advice would be to just go on with life. Yeah, you should be wary of going out alone at night and always carry a cross with you for protection, but even with all of that to deal with you could still live a normal life." He smiled sadly and let his hand drop back to his side.
"Trust me, it's better for you to move on. You deserve to have a good life, without having to worry about vampires and demons." He stopped speaking when he realized that they were outside of her house. The mailbox had the name "Summers" written on it in big letters.
"Well, here we are," he said lamely, stuffing his hands into his jacket pockets. He stopped speaking then, waiting to see what Buffy would say. After all, he'd just poured out his entire life story to her, so now she knew everything. Xander just prayed that Buffy would make the right decision. He looked down at her, taking in her golden hair, her perfect features, and her beautiful hazel eyes. He didn't know what he'd do if something bad happened to her because of him.
Xander tried to think of some other way to convince her to stay away from them, to stay away from him, but he couldn't seem to force himself to think coherently anymore. It was like he'd exhausted himself, dredging up all those painful memories that he'd tried to keep locked away deep inside, and now his brain was shutting down on him. So he just stood there, staring at her and waiting, for what he didn't know.
After a minute or two, Xander realized that he was making somewhat of a fool of himself, just staring at her this way. He tore his gaze away from her face and looked down at the ground, absently scuffing his shoe on the pavement. Then he looked up at her and asked timidly, "So, what are you thinking?"
Buffy didn't really know what she was thinking. Part of her agreed with Xander. She should run from this faster than one should run from a fire, or a dissection in biology class. But there was another part of Buffy that just couldn't do that. During that fight with Linus, when Buffy had smacked her foot into the vamp's chest with perfect accuracy, there had been this sense of deja vu. She couldn't understand it, but it was like somewhere, in another life, such a thing was the norm. The feeling had vanished in actuality, but it remained as a memory in the corner of her heart.
She didn't want to lie to people, and part of her didn't want to get involved at all. She wanted to arm herself and get the hell out of Sunnydale. But something stopped her.
Shaking her head, she looked up at Xander from under her lashes. Even now there was an old bruise decorating his jawline. It was turning yellow. She reached up and touched it with a finger.
"I never wanted to be anything but normal," she whispered. "But I stopped being normal when a boy ran me down on the street in front of my old school. I became a pariah. I had to grow up. But then, I was thinking about it one day, and I started to wonder -- who really is normal? I mean, was I normal before when all I cared about was the latest hunk and what was on sale at the mall? Sounds like a scene right out of an Alicia Silverstone movie. Then I thought that maybe moving to Sunnydale would let me find normal. But it's not normal here, either, and neither am I." She paused, a hint of sadness in her voice. "There is no normal. I think we've got to understand that and live with it."
She stopped and just looked at Xander. Buffy realized her fingers were still on his cheek. His dark eyes were staring at her with such intensity. Suddenly, all thoughts of vampires and other unpleasantness vanished from her mind. She leaned in a little bit, and kissed him.
At first, Xander was too stunned to do anything but just stand there. He couldn't believe that she was kissing him. Considering the track record he had with women, it seemed like Buffy was just too good to be true. After all, the only two girls he'd ever liked at all had ended up becoming a vampire and a paralyzed, bitter, vampire slayer. However, all of Xander's musings about his love life faded away when he felt Buffy's lips softly brush against his.
Xander quickly got over his initial shock and returned Buffy's kiss, his hands moving to the slender column of her throat and lightly caressing, then moving up to rest against her jawline, cupping her face gently as he deepened the kiss.
Never in his wildest dreams had he imagined that something could feel so perfect, so right. Kissing Buffy was like kissing in a dream. Xander wanted to go on kissing her forever, but common sense prevailed and he slowly pulled away, ending the kiss with great reluctance. He sighed, running his fingers through her tousled blonde hair and planting a tender kiss on her lips before taking a step back.
He saw the look of surprise on her face, followed by a look of sadness and he quickly took hold of her hand, rubbing the pad of his thumb in soft circles over her palm. "We need to go inside," he told her as he began to lead her toward the house, not dropping his grip on her hand, "It's not safe out here at night."
They hadn't even gone two steps when a voice from behind them replied, "You're right, it's not safe out here."
Xander whirled around, moving Buffy behind him, and saw Willow step out of the shadows with Spike close behind her. He gulped, trying not to show his fear as he pulled a stake out of his pocket.
"What's the matter?" Willow asked in a singsong voice as she sauntered closer to the two teenagers. "Not happy to see me?"
#1: In the Space of a Heartbeat
Authors: Sonya and Erin
E-mail: sonyajeb@swbell.net OR carynsilver@yahoo.com
Rating: PG-13
Category: B/X, AU, action/adventure, romance
Summary: An accident seconds before being chosen causes the Slayer Essence to skip Buffy, leaving her a normal girl. Then, a year and a half later, her mom's new job and her parents' divorce brings Buffy and her mother to Sunnydale, where Buffy comes in contact with the world of the night and a young man dedicated to its destruction.
Disclaimer: We do not own Buffy or any of the original characters or ideas from the show. They all belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc. All we own is our own creative genius (unless that's too strong a word :) and any characters we make up.
Distribution: Sure, just let us know where it is!
Feedback: Love it! We want to know your likes AND dislikes. Flames are the only thing we do not accept.
Spoilers: Basic BtVS mythology and vampire/slayer lore
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Chapter 7
The Factory
"Pet!" Spike called when he stepped foot over the threshold of their lair. "Where are you? I have quite a surprise for you, baby! Wait 'til you hear what daddy found out."
"And whatever could that be, dearie?" Willow purred, stepping slowly out of the shadows. She paused, posing seductively in her newly acquired, emerald green, lace nightgown. "Tell me quickly now, for Mommy must know!"
Spike moved closer to Willow and enjoyed the view. "Pet! Is that a new outfit for me?" He tugged on her long, auburn hair fiercely -- it might have hurt a mortal, but for them it was play.
When Willow didn't answer him right away, Spike put on a play pout. "Don't you care what Daddy has to say, my lover?" The incestuousness of that statement didn't bother him at all. But Willow wasn't very talkative tonight. The frown quickly became real. When he'd been with Dru, she'd always been interested in his findings. Of course, Dru had rarely gotten out because she was so weak, but that didn't matter. If Spike were going to share his victories with someone, she had to be worthwhile.
His finger tangled itself deeper into her hair, and then grabbed a bunch of it hard, pulling her head backwards. "Your little pseudo-Slayer, that child who pretends he's a Chosen One -- he's got a new girlie. Looks like he's gotten over you for good, lover, and for a little blonde, too."
Willow growled low in her throat, her true face manifesting itself over her features as her anger grew. With a yell, she wrenched herself free from Spike's grasp and pushed him away. As he fell backwards onto the floor, knocking over a nearby table and sending everything that had been sitting on it crashing down around him, her eyes landed on his right hand, which was clenched in a fist around a wad of auburn hair. Willow felt tears of rage come to her eyes as she reached a trembling hand to the back of her head and it came back with blood smeared on the fingers from where Spike's fingernails had dug deep into the sensitive skin of her scalp. The sweet, coppery smell of the blood brought Willow back out of her rage-fueled daze and she calmed down a bit, looking over at Spike with a million questions in her eyes.
Knowing that her vampire lover's eyes were still on her, Willow smiled a sultry smile and slowly licked the blood off of her index finger. Taking a step forward, Willow kneeled by Spike and swung her right leg across and over his thighs, straddling him as he lay back on his elbows, watching her every move. Then she smiled seductively, running her blood covered fingers over his lips slowly. "Now, Spikey," she purred, lightly raking the nails of her other hand across his chest through his black, silk shirt. "I know you're going to tell me everything about the bitch who's sleeping with our enemy. And you'd better not leave out any of the juicy details... or Mommy will be very unhappy."
Spike's demon visage transformed his face at the taste of blood on his lips. He licked her finger clean and then nipped it with his fangs.
"Now you've gone and made me all hungry again, lover. And I've already had my dinner tonight." He pouted -- or it would have been a pout if his fangs hadn't been in the way.
But gradually he got control over himself again, and proceeded to answer her question. "She's a pert little blonde. Stunning actually. And strong, for a mortal. She got a few good blows in on Linus before the pseudo-Slayer came and staked him."
Spike paused, shaking his head. "I was almost sorry to lose Linus. For a new one, he had good style."
Then he picked Willow up, and got to his own feet before setting her down again. More gently this time.
"Anyway, Harris seemed a bit gaga for the wench. He took her into the inner sanctum. I heard him call her Buffy."
Spike grinned. "Now it's time for dessert. You whetted my appetite. Coming, lover? Some tasty young ones must be leaving the Bronze right about now."
Willow pouted prettily, looking down at her new nightgown that was now stained with blood from their earlier "festivities." Facing Spike, she grinned and stepped up close to him, running her hands through his peroxide-blonde hair. "Look at my new pretty clothes, they're all ruined now. I'll have to throw them away 'cause blood stains never come out."
Tracing a finger down his cheek, she giggled and said, "Maybe my Spikey will take me out to cheer me up. We could kill some innocents, make a night of it. And then we'll pay a visit to this Muffy... Duffy... Fluffy... Buffy bitch."
Willow's eyes hardened and her smiled disappeared to be replaced with an angry snarl. "I'll make her regret ever sticking her nose into our affairs. And won't it just be absolutely wonderful to watch Xander cry as he finds her dead body waiting for him on his door step?"
Willow's eyes lit up at the thought of causing Xander Harris pain. After the way he'd treated her, the way he'd scorned her love, he deserved whatever they could dish out at him! In her excitement, Willow pressed her forehead against Spike's, clasping her hands around the back of his neck and giving him a long, lingering kiss that promised more fun to come... if he played his cards right. "I'm getting all hot and excited just thinking about it, lover. We can drain her together and dance on her grave!"
"Sounds freakin' fabulous to me, pet," Spike replied, whipping out his fangs again. "You find a new gown that's not so... er... bloody. Then we'll go find some dessert. And then we'll scout out the new girl in town."
Willow nodded and skipped off into her bedroom, hardly able to contain her excitement. They were finally going to make Xander pay for what he'd done to her! Willow felt like dancing, she was so happy!
Quickly pulling off the bloodstained nightgown, Willow threw it into the trash and began sorting through her wardrobe for something suitable to wear. As she looked through all the clothes, she began to hum a merry tune. Finally, Willow found the perfect outfit, it was one of Spike's favorites. She pulled on the black, skin-tight leather pants and the matching black leather boustier and then she frowned. Something was missing.
Willow toyed with the idea of putting her hair up and grinned, finally realizing what would make the ensemble complete. Willow pulled her long, auburn tresses up into a beautiful mass of curls on top of her head and left a few tendrils hanging down to frame her lovely face. Then she picked up a black, velvet choker necklace from the nearby table and fastened it around her slender neck. Happy with the results of her efforts, Willow quickly pulled on her boots and walked back outside to where Spike was waiting for her.
After posing seductively for Spike's benefit, she walked right up to him and linked her arm through his. "Shall we go, lover?" she asked with a coy smile. "It's long past time for dessert and Mommy's getting hungry."
"C'mon, pet," Spike said, slinging an arm around her luminous bare shoulders. Then they walked off into the night.
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Buffy was about halfway through the journey to her house when she started to get the uneasy feeling that she was being watched. She was still limping a little from the encounter with Linus. So, as protection, she pulled the cross Mr. Giles had given her out of her purse. Holding the wooden icon in her hand made her feel better somehow.
She heard footsteps crunching on the gravel behind her, and whirled around. "Who's there?" she demanded, trying to make her voice sound fierce and strong.
Xander stepped out of the shadows, holding up his hands. "Hey, chill out Xena Warrior Princess! It's only me." Giving her a lop-sided grin and shoving his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket, he added, "I promise, I don't bite."
Buffy's scowl turned into a smile. Then the smile dissolved into a carefully neutral expression. "So, no one wants me hanging around, but you don't want me dismembered or eaten on the way home. That's so sweet."
She turned around a kept walking towards home. A part of her was grateful when he followed, though she was still angry, too. She was angry at the librarian for his inability to change. She was somewhat miffed at Sonya for not taking her offer of friendship -- though Buffy knew there wasn't any more she could do about that. But mostly Buffy was mad at Xander. He didn't seem to care if they never saw each other again just so long as his precious darkness warrior thing wasn't disturbed. And part of her was angry at herself for caring what Xander thought.
The silence grew oppressive, so finally she said, "What am I supposed to do with all this, Xander? What am I supposed to think?" She paused, biting her lip. "I just don't understand. They let you into their little fighting bad guys club, but I'm not good enough. It just seems to me that you guys can use all the help you can get."
"They didn't really want me in their fighting bad guys club, as you so eloquently put it, either," Xander replied. He smiled a little bit, though it was a sad smile. "But I didn't give them much of a choice in the matter. I was such a fool back then."
Sighing, Xander said, "Look, there's a lot that you don't know about me, Buffy. I guess you could say there were extenuating circumstances." He paused, trying to determine how much he should tell her. Finally, he came to a decision. "Maybe it would help clear things up a little bit if I told you about Willow."
At Buffy's puzzled frown, he clarified, "She was my best friend for the first 15 years of my life. We did everything together... she, me and Jesse. But about a year and a half ago, both Willow and Jesse disappeared. No one knew what had happened, but when the police found Jesse's body, drained completely of blood, they assumed that Willow was dead, too.
"I was a wreck after that. I mean, how does a kid cope with the fact that the only two people in the entire world that cared about him are dead? My parents weren't any help, they never even cared about me before the incident, so why should they change their tune now, right? So I just kind of shut down. My grades, which weren't stellar to begin with, began to slip and I pretty much stopped speaking to anyone. I became the school freak, no one wanted anything to do with me, but I didn't care. And then, when I was at my lowest point, Willow decided to pay me a visit. That was how I met Sonya, actually. She saved me from being turned into a vampire by Willow. And after that, it became my mission in life to fight the vampires.
"Giles and Sonya wouldn't hear of it. They said it was too dangerous for an ordinary mortal to fight against vampires and other demons. But I didn't listen. I began to follow Sonya on her patrols every night, staying just out of sight, waiting for a chance to help. And then I got my wish, though not really in the way I wanted it.
"You see, Sonya was fighting this big, nasty vampire who called himself the Master. He lived underground. And while they were fighting, there was a cave in. The Master was killed by a falling rock that decapitated him, but Sonya managed to almost make it out alive, until she was pinned by a rock, unable to move her legs. That's when she was paralyzed. I managed to get her out, but the damage was already done. The doctors couldn't help her, so she and Giles decided to look for other ways.
"Right now, they're trying to find a spell to cure her, but the chances of them succeeding are slim to none. So that's were I come in. You see, Willow took over as leader of the vampires after the Master was killed. And she wanted me dead because I wouldn't join her. So she kept sending vampire assassins after me, which is why Giles finally agreed to let me help -- me and this guy Angel, but I won't get into that story now. If Giles hadn't decided to train me to be able to fight the vamps, I would have ended up dead. Willow would have seen to it. So now I get the oh-so-wonderful task of trying to slay the vampires until we can cure Sonya."
Sighing, he added in a soft voice, "Believe me, Buffy. If I had it all to do over again, I would run away from this town as fast as my feet could carry me. I mean, defending the world and all that jazz sounds really cool in theory, but in real life, when you have to look death in the face every night and spend all of your time fighting and no time actually LIVING, the whole "chosen one" thing looses it charm really fast."
Xander looked Buffy directly in the eyes and said in his most serious voice, "That's why you should just try to put all of this behind you, Buffy. Because if you're not careful, the darkness just creeps up on you when you're not looking and then one day you wake up and realize that you've been spending all your time fighting vampires and other assorted demons and everything else in life has fallen by the wayside. I mean, I haven't even thought about making friends or having dates or anything else normal in over a year and a half! While everyone else my age is deciding who they're going to take to prom, all I can think about are ambush tactics and how to improve my fighting skills. I have no friends except for Sonya, Giles and Angel. And even they don't really know me. They have no clue about what my home life is like; only Angel has any idea about that and even he doesn't know the whole story. The others just assume that all the cuts and bruises I come in with are from vampires. They don't know about any of that stuff."
Xander paused, running a hand through his hair as he thought of the best way to phrase what he had to say next. "Buffy, is that really what you want for your life? Because if you throw in with us, you don't get to have a "get out of jail free card" that lets you off the hook when things go badly. Once you get mixed up in all of this, you can't change your mind. It doesn't work that way. So you can just forget about that normal life you seem to want, because that goes right out the window first thing. And having a good relationship with your mom or anyone else? Forget about it. Because no matter what you decide to do, you can't tell anyone about all of this. They couldn't handle it. And the secrets and lies that you'll have to tell on a daily basis in order to keep the secret if you join us basically ruin your other relationships."
"Look," Xander said, touching Buffy's shoulder gently. "You wanted to know what you were supposed to do now, right? Well, my best advice would be to just go on with life. Yeah, you should be wary of going out alone at night and always carry a cross with you for protection, but even with all of that to deal with you could still live a normal life." He smiled sadly and let his hand drop back to his side.
"Trust me, it's better for you to move on. You deserve to have a good life, without having to worry about vampires and demons." He stopped speaking when he realized that they were outside of her house. The mailbox had the name "Summers" written on it in big letters.
"Well, here we are," he said lamely, stuffing his hands into his jacket pockets. He stopped speaking then, waiting to see what Buffy would say. After all, he'd just poured out his entire life story to her, so now she knew everything. Xander just prayed that Buffy would make the right decision. He looked down at her, taking in her golden hair, her perfect features, and her beautiful hazel eyes. He didn't know what he'd do if something bad happened to her because of him.
Xander tried to think of some other way to convince her to stay away from them, to stay away from him, but he couldn't seem to force himself to think coherently anymore. It was like he'd exhausted himself, dredging up all those painful memories that he'd tried to keep locked away deep inside, and now his brain was shutting down on him. So he just stood there, staring at her and waiting, for what he didn't know.
After a minute or two, Xander realized that he was making somewhat of a fool of himself, just staring at her this way. He tore his gaze away from her face and looked down at the ground, absently scuffing his shoe on the pavement. Then he looked up at her and asked timidly, "So, what are you thinking?"
Buffy didn't really know what she was thinking. Part of her agreed with Xander. She should run from this faster than one should run from a fire, or a dissection in biology class. But there was another part of Buffy that just couldn't do that. During that fight with Linus, when Buffy had smacked her foot into the vamp's chest with perfect accuracy, there had been this sense of deja vu. She couldn't understand it, but it was like somewhere, in another life, such a thing was the norm. The feeling had vanished in actuality, but it remained as a memory in the corner of her heart.
She didn't want to lie to people, and part of her didn't want to get involved at all. She wanted to arm herself and get the hell out of Sunnydale. But something stopped her.
Shaking her head, she looked up at Xander from under her lashes. Even now there was an old bruise decorating his jawline. It was turning yellow. She reached up and touched it with a finger.
"I never wanted to be anything but normal," she whispered. "But I stopped being normal when a boy ran me down on the street in front of my old school. I became a pariah. I had to grow up. But then, I was thinking about it one day, and I started to wonder -- who really is normal? I mean, was I normal before when all I cared about was the latest hunk and what was on sale at the mall? Sounds like a scene right out of an Alicia Silverstone movie. Then I thought that maybe moving to Sunnydale would let me find normal. But it's not normal here, either, and neither am I." She paused, a hint of sadness in her voice. "There is no normal. I think we've got to understand that and live with it."
She stopped and just looked at Xander. Buffy realized her fingers were still on his cheek. His dark eyes were staring at her with such intensity. Suddenly, all thoughts of vampires and other unpleasantness vanished from her mind. She leaned in a little bit, and kissed him.
At first, Xander was too stunned to do anything but just stand there. He couldn't believe that she was kissing him. Considering the track record he had with women, it seemed like Buffy was just too good to be true. After all, the only two girls he'd ever liked at all had ended up becoming a vampire and a paralyzed, bitter, vampire slayer. However, all of Xander's musings about his love life faded away when he felt Buffy's lips softly brush against his.
Xander quickly got over his initial shock and returned Buffy's kiss, his hands moving to the slender column of her throat and lightly caressing, then moving up to rest against her jawline, cupping her face gently as he deepened the kiss.
Never in his wildest dreams had he imagined that something could feel so perfect, so right. Kissing Buffy was like kissing in a dream. Xander wanted to go on kissing her forever, but common sense prevailed and he slowly pulled away, ending the kiss with great reluctance. He sighed, running his fingers through her tousled blonde hair and planting a tender kiss on her lips before taking a step back.
He saw the look of surprise on her face, followed by a look of sadness and he quickly took hold of her hand, rubbing the pad of his thumb in soft circles over her palm. "We need to go inside," he told her as he began to lead her toward the house, not dropping his grip on her hand, "It's not safe out here at night."
They hadn't even gone two steps when a voice from behind them replied, "You're right, it's not safe out here."
Xander whirled around, moving Buffy behind him, and saw Willow step out of the shadows with Spike close behind her. He gulped, trying not to show his fear as he pulled a stake out of his pocket.
"What's the matter?" Willow asked in a singsong voice as she sauntered closer to the two teenagers. "Not happy to see me?"