A/N: Re-uploaded chapter. I edited because it sucked too much. Not it sucks just a little. Ahem. You could always review and tell me about the changes, couldn't you? Very well, do as you wish. I'll be posting the third chapter soon.
Chapter Two: Mad World
He's gone... The foul dog left me again. Damn it, I knew it. I am not surprised.
Nope.
Don't you make me say I'm damn sad because of it. I have myself to blame. It feels good. I'm aware that my heart's a little whore and you needn't tell me. Shall he leave me some coins on the bed soon?
All around me are familiar faces Worn out places, worn out faces...
It's one of those bright days, you know, when the birds sing and there's sunshine.
Remus says good morning. I don't answer. A short moment of thick silence passes us and I change my mind because maybe he deserves some... something.
"Morning, love", I say then, knowing I'm a stupid girl. And I think we all know it's never good. He hands me a cup of coffee and looks concerned. "What?" I spit out and glare. "What is it?"
"Are you feeling well today?"
Maybe I'm pregnant! Maybe I'm splendid.
"Give me that ciggie... please." Father Remus has always tried to teach me how to be polite.
Now he doesn't object when I ask and lights it for me but frowns. "I don't like this love. I- "
I don't need that now. I rest against the wall and sip on my hot liquid. My tongue gets burned. I smirk.
"Jennian?"
"Remus?"
"How are you today?"
"I'm well. No cancer."
Remus laughs weakly. "Good, good." He licks his lips. I watch his tongue sweep over them like a nervous snake. He eyes me, blushing. I sigh and look the other way. Does he want me to put cloths on? Is he going to say something? Or just try to ignore?
"I guess it is quite warm today." He sighs. And the sky is grey.
"Very."
"Jennian?"
"Remus?"
"Are you sure you're fine?"
"Are you?"
He wants to say no. He wants to cry and beg and scream that NO he isn't fine. Nothing is. Will never be.
"Good lord!" he screams, suddenly very furious and pale and frightening. "Can't you answer me?"
"I thought I just did?"
"Honestly", he murmurs and walks out of the kitchen.
I smile at his back. Wonder where he's going now? What's he got do except for being with me? It's vacation, damn it. He'll go back to Hogwarts soon. In a few days I believe. Wonder what Sirius'll do. Hope he doesn't come over. Hope he will. Not. Yes. Fuck. Fuck him, fuck me. Shit happens and here I am, bitching around with Remus, the poor guy.
Bright and early for their daily races. Going nowhere, going nowhere
What's my problem?
Heaven smiles and here I am... bitching around.
Hide my head, I want to drown my sorrow. No tomorrow, no tomorrow
My owl Liana pecks the window with her golden beak. A pile of letters is bound to her leg and I let her in.
There's one from Hogwarts - no two - One for me and one for Remus. And then I find one from Sirius and one from Stella. Best friend. Soul mate. And all that shit.
Just before I begin to rip open the envelope with the Hogwarts seal on it I stroke my finger lightly over the glaring, green snake. I think I can hear it hiss at me.
Yeah, I'm accepted. Now, I guess Remus would like hear about that. I gaze at his letter, lying on the kitchen table, shaking of importance. I know what it is. Sure I do. War. There's a war. There's a Dark Lord and I...
War?
I look at Sirius' letter. I'll give that to Remus too. There's only Stellas' left now. I think she's got a funny way of saying I'm sorry.
'The Gap is fixed, I think.
Damn it. Damn you, the queen of them all. Damn you. Damn me, Chanternan avle Amberion, mistress of no one.
Find some space for me!
Your Lady, Karma Loft'
That's it. She's mentioning our names. Oh, now it's all right again. She's back.
But? We have been friends ever since our miserable childhood - so long ago, wasn't it? - Now she might die, I know. Any day. anytime.
Poor Stella, she doesn't know yet about the Lord. Oh, me. A pretty war. I can see my world whither away with a painful confidence. It all breaks down and there he stands, above them all. I'm lying by his feet, bleeding up and screaming out. And it's over.
And I find it kind of funny; I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.
I smile, quite softly, and walk out the door Remus disappeared through. My Lord.
He sits in the library, bent over a parchment. The quill in his hand is moving rapidly across it. Remus Lupin's such a recluse, such a wolf. He's such a man. He's not my father. No. Don't make me believe it. I've lived with him for years and years and - five years - he is not the same.
He's a man now. Or maybe it's just me who grew and came to notice. Well, yeah, maybe that's it. So that would mean that I'm the one who's not the same? Of course I am the same. I have always been me. Like I am.
How?
I tap on his shoulder. Stroke his hair and his cheek. He turns to look at me and I see that he's been crying.
And their tears are filling up their glasses No expression.
"Jen..."
I have to hug him because he wants comfort. "Don't bring yourself down like this." I cup his face in my hands. He looks wary. My poor, my sweet Remus, are you that tired? Are you that sad?
"Jen I..." He's trying to apologise, making me worried for once. "I love you Jennian. You must understand that."
"I do. Sure I do." I can't bring myself to say that I love him back. I just can't. I guess whoever brought my nature inside of me never thought of all the life living around. Oh, me.
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take when people run in circles. It's a very, very Mad World
Remus unfolds his envelope and reads in silence. I watch his frown go deeper and deeper. Of course I was right. His eyes are blank when he jerks his head up and stares at me.
"The Dark Lord has returned." Remus stands up slowly and bends forward to kiss my forehead. Then he meets my eyes and whispers "Jennian... I have to go."
Mad world...
On the first September I arrive to meet Stella on the train station. She turned eleven today and is therefore quite sour. You know some people have this kind of grudge against birthdays. I wonder where it comes from. A rough child hood maybe. Who knows? Who knows everything?
Anyway, Stella's even refusing to speak to Hannes - Hannes Dustfield - her great, great love. I swear he's a vampire. He's just got to be. He pulls my friend into his lap and sings for her.
Children waiting for the day they feel good Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Train rides. Locked up in a huge cage of steel. People say I've got a confused and freaked out mind but in my opinion trains are horrible. The kind of place where you get thoroughly stabbed right? It just won't do.
Therefore, arriving at the station is such bliss that I have to smile a little. Stella looks at me as if I've caught on a fever and I seriously know that I fully understand her.
Made to feel the way that every child should. Sit and listen...
I get sorted in to Slytherin.
There's a filthy hat there and it tells me to be in Slytherin. Some people smile and jerk their heads up when they hear the name JENNIAN LUPIN but their bright expressions fade as they hear that she gets sorted into the damn devils house SLYTHERIN. I'm confused. What will Remus say now? What will Sirius do now? What would mum and dad think? What would proud Gryffindor dad and sweet Hufflepuff mum say about cunning Slytherin Jennian?
I do not give a fuck. They're dead now, aren't they? They can't say anything. I'm still confused.
Went to school and I was very nervous. No one knew me...
Since Stella is speaking to a silver haired boy, I take a look around. There's a man with shoulder length, black hair that's staring at me intently. What a beautiful man. His pale skin and dominant eyes instantly makes me attached to him. I have a slight feeling that such a first impression could get me into trouble.
Albus Dumbledore rises from his seat and he's not smiling. He finds it necessary to tell us about the war, how to hold on to each other, and to never loose faith. I do know how it feels to loose faith. I gaze around the Hall again and my eyes fall upon something in a shadowed corner. Two eyes are glaring at me. Sirius is mad. He's disappointed.
After Dumbledores speech, everyone is silent.
I watch the boy who Stella spoke to. He's sitting quite close to me and introduces himself as Draco Malfoy with a glint in his eyes that I have seen before. The dogs' glare is getting heavier. A jealous dog in a shadowed corner? What is he but nothing to me?
Malfoy eyes me approvingly and smiles as I finger on the silver cutlery.
"Remus Lupins' daughter a Slytherin, hm?" His sneer is beautiful.
"I'm not his daughter." There's nothing here to see. No, no.
"Not?" He's surprised. "How does this work out then?"
"Mother and father died somehow and the man got a hold of me. I don't really know why."
Malfoy smiles. Oh Lord
By the Gryffindor table sits Harry Potter, laughing, looking boyish, all though he's no younger than seventeen. Our eyes meet. I can't help but to sneer. Does he recognise me?
Yes he does.
He keeps his face blank, cleaned out from expressions. Boy meets girl. Girl hates boy. Boy is stupid.
Fucking hero he is. I narrow my eyes at him and watch how a red shade is creeping upon his cheeks, making me very pleased. I'll get to him. I'll get to him for steeping into my house. I'll give him for intruding on my grounds.
Girl meets boy.
Severus Snape is his name. Potions master. Black haired, black-eyed Professor. His intent stare rocks me.
Hello teacher, tell me what's my lesson. Look right through me...
I decide to think well of him as he gives our house fifteen points when I raise my hand and answer his question correctly. I can see the reason why Slytherins like him but not the rest of the school. He's wonderful.
Severus Snape.
Sirius dislike him, I know that. He sometimes tells me what's going on; The latest news of his missions and that sort of things. That he has to work with that "Idiot Snape."
Sirius trusts me. Why? I don't know.
And I find it kind of funny. I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
Sirius is at the school. He's watching me, just like it always been. Late at night he once came to me. How dared he? I wish I could have screamed but, no, the rest of the school was asleep and I could have woken everyone up if I had objected to the man I hate more than anything this bloody world. The man I still somehow rely on and love with this wonderful, disgusting hatred. He knew that I would wake everyone up if I said no. That made everything so much better for him didn't it? Creature. Disgusting creature.
I miss Remus. I miss my rock. Sirius is stirring up my world, shooting arrows of headaches and sickness at me. I want to go to bed and sleep and dream but not to dream of him, ever again.
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take, when people run in circles. It's a very, very
Mad World.
A/N I don't own the song Mad World by Tears For Fear. The version I heard was the last song in the movie Donnie Darko if someone cares. But that guy didn't write it. I think.
Thanks to BRC, Ashleigh, LastOneDizzy and Fiona for being so very, very kind to review this.