If someone had told me this morning that today Jessica would hear me say that I love her, I'd have down right not believed it. In fact, I'd have turned such a man into a scrawny alley cat and have him thrown at that flea-bitten, three-headed mutt, Fluffy for a spot of lunch.
Such rubbish! I'm NOT in love with her and if for some bizarre reason I thought I was, she certainly wouldn't hear those words slip off my tongue. Not even my own Veritaserum could drag those words out of my mouth.
Love is nothing more than a fool's excuse for attention. Although I do fancy her - she's a rare beauty, how could I not? - I'll never love her. I'll never love anyone. I'll curse whatever power forced those words out of my mouth. I'll never be manipulated like that again. For her to hear me say such things to her will only break her heart in the long run. Those tears she cried today assure me of that. If it's love she wants, she's got the wrong man. I can't give her that, I can only give her my attention long enough to please and satisfy the cravings our bodies have for each other. If that isn't all she wants, then it was wrong for me to have led her to believe that we ought to be spending time with one another. I don't think I'll be able to handle being near her so often and not be able to have her. But are the touch of her hand and the sweet taste of her kiss not worth anything if I can't embrace her intimately as well?
Damn it! How did this happen to me? I'm Severus Snape for God's sake! I'm the cruel, heartless monster of the wizarding world. At least that's what they say – and they certainly ought to. There's no room in my heart for love and affection. I haven't got the slightest desire to love Jessica, yet I haven't got the courage to walk away from her. I tried very hard today to walk away from her, but she called my name and drew me back. I couldn't bring myself to part from those emerald eyes. She looked at me, took my hand and invited me to kiss her. No man in the world could walk away from such an ardent invitation.
This morning I never would have thought she'd give me another chance to hold her in my arms, but she did and I wrapped my arms tight around her and did what any man would do.
I kissed her.