ATTENTION!
The poem which Voldemort is reciting belongs to samvimes and doesn't deserve this treatment in the slightest. It's a really, really beautiful piece of art and excellently written, and we absolutely love it. You don't necessarily have to read it to understand the following nonsense, er, story, but you should nonetheless! :-) It's called "When I Come For You" and can be found under Mi's favourite stories.
Yap Notes (for Mi Notes, see her version): With this little gaga ficlet, I officially crossed the fine line between beta reader and co-author. Mi's fault. It doesn't feel that different, actually. No enormous burden of responsibility to carry or anything of the kind. To double-post this was also Mi's idea – she said we own the story, the two of us, so we should both have the right to post without disciplinary consequences. And she has a point. If we're wrong, let us know.
If you are wondering about the Hogwarts School of Lunatic Drama Art: It's nothing much but a fun idea yet, but it will become one of the most infamous writers' collectives known in fandom...ahem. Okay. Just watch out for future HP-OOC drama rehearsals. For further information, owl Headmistress Mi. :-)
Rest of mumbo jumbo: Don't own Potter, Snape or Voldie, but do bloody well own a Galaxy Quest DVD.
The Hogwarts School of Lunatic Drama Art presents:
Practice the War
by Mi and yap
with kind permission from samvimes
"You wanted to speak to me, my Lord."
"Ah, Severus! Please sit down. I want to have your opinion about ... something."
"Of course."
"What do you think about that - "
Voldemort throws himself up dramatically and recites the following:
"YOUR FRIENDS WILL
FALL
AWAY
YOUR - "
"I don't have any friends."
"Of course not. But I have to practice on someone. Just tell me if you are intimidated - when I have finished."
"YOUR FRIENDS WILL
FALL - "
"Oh - you mean Potter's friends!"
"Just - pretend, for God's sake."
"You don't believe in God."
"For the Dark Lord's sake, then."
"Nope. Not that. That's you."
"So what? Can't a man - okay, yes, I know – can't an Evil Nemesis believe in himself these days?"
"Sure, no offence. Go on."
"YOUR FRIENDS - "
"Sorry, but ... I can't do it. I have to understand my motivation first. You know, how does it feel to have friends?"
"How should I bloody know! Just be ... Potter if you have to."
"I need more background info - "
"Oh well! Have it your way then. I'll skip that line."
"YOUR OLD RIVALRIES - "
"That's better. Sorry - go on! Thumbs up!"
"WILL
BECOME
DEATHS
YOU THINK THIS ONE OR THAT ONE IS TRYING TO
PROTECT - "
"No, no - no protection here. They would rather feed me to the - "
"Will you SHUT UP. You always do that."
"Do what?"
"Spoil my best lines. Remember the last meeting."
"Oh, that." Severus grins maliciously "But, please - go on. I'll be good. Promise."
"THIS WAR YOU SPEAK OF.
YOU`RE WAITING FOR IT."
"No, he's not. Potter is such an impatient little brat. If I can't bring him to focus on his potions for five minutes, you shouldn't rely on having him wait for ... but you probably don't want to hear about that right now. You know what. I really liked it. It was - uh - creepy! Probably you shouldn't be crying while performing it. But apart from that - Go Team!"
"Lucius, come over here. Group Hug!"
***
[International Court of Magic, Trial No. 6b, 08/09/98, re: Intelligence Activities, Suspect #4, S. A. Snape, Item of Proof No. 4253c, dated betw. 11/96 and 03/97, retrieved from Saviour of the Wizarding World's Fireplace (re-glueing spell c.o. Ms. H. Granger) Cleared by Ministry, vouchsafed by Prof. A. Dumbledore.]
Confidential:
Dear Mister Potter,
please find attached a transcript of a meeting I had with the Dark Lord recently. The information it contains might prove vital to your preparation for the upcoming Final Battle, such as there is. I'd suggest you learn it by heart so you can be ready when the Dark Lord descendeth upon thee ... scratch that, just learn the words! (And keep in mind that it's intended to intimidate you.)
Severus A. Snape
P.S.: If I catch you memorizing in Potions class - you will have much more to fear than the Dark Lord's wrath. Do it in Transfiguration!
P.P.S.: I still don't know about the friends bit, I'll leave that to you.
[Case closed, 11/12/98. Order of Merlin, 1st Class, awarded to Former Suspect Snape, Prof. DADA, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, for Subtle Subterfuge and Cunning Manipulation of Dark Lord.]