Standard disclaimers apply. Yu Yu
Hakusho and all it's characters are not mine, I'm merely borrowing ^_^
Chapter done in Botan's point of view.
Chapter 4
I sat up in a sudden jolt, clutching my chest in a wild attempt to catch my breath. It didn't help though, my heart kept pounding hard, as if trying to seek release from the confines from which it was trapped in. I felt my breathing tighten as beads of sweat ran down my temples, my knuckles pale as they clutched whatever material was accessible. I couldn't help the sudden outburst of pain and emotion that grew rapidly inside me. My isides felt cold, like everything was wrapped in a blanket of ice that kept me from moving. The pain was unbearable that I felt tears started to flow down my cheeks, their warmth contrasting to the coldness I felt.
For fifteen years, I've held these dreams, these memories, far beyond my mind, seeing them as mere delusions of my existence. For fifteen years, I've hidden these dreams as a sheer shadow of a nightmare, haunting me during the nights as I lay myself in deep slumber. And yet, it's not exactly the experience that is entirely the nightmare. It was the pain of losing him, the pain of being left out in the cold while I waited for him to come. The feeling of loss.
Years had passed, but it seemed like only yesterday when I found myself waiting on the very same place, a rendezvous we have silently settled upon each day since we have met. For hours, I had waited, hoping that he did not forget me, wishing to the heavens that fate still had given me a chance on happiness. But hours had turned into days, days turned into week, weeks into months and months into years. Until I could not wait any longer. But every striking instant that I happened to pass by the mysterious realm, I never neglected to look down and hoped to see a sign of a silver streak. His path.
But it was only a while back since I had completely convinced myself that he had left me. I had convinced myself that I was but a mere pawn in his life, only but a tiny dot in his vast universe. I was stupid to might have hoped that he had actually cared. And yet, I couldn't find it in myself to forget him, to forget the heated gaze he would always give me whenever we get the chance to be together. I had trusted him deeply, for over the days that we had shared each other's company, he hadn't taken me, hadn't taken advantage of my trust. I would be a fool to ignore the lust that burned in his gaze, the heat obvious whenever we touch. And yet he would always turn back and say he had to go.
No, he did not take me.
I wasn't sure whether he truly cared for my status, or he was just playing, that he thought of me as just a young girl, too naïve of the true meaning of what our meetings had meant. Maybe I was just dreaming when I thought that whenever he would avoid me, it was because he needed the time to contemplate on what these feelings were. Or was I just avoiding the possibility that he only took me as a mere play?
If so, why had he been so secretive?
Why the sudden leave?
Was I not good enough for him?
I shook my head at the thoughts that started to whirl up my head, all the painful possibilities, all the dreaded memories that only made me miss him more. I couldn't deny the feelings I've felt. We have only met for a few days, lasted only a few weeks, I didn't even know his name. And yet, I found him intriguing, his gaze I found magnetic, pulling me in a deep trance. His voice would always drive me to oblivion, his touch burning heated scars in my skin. Years have gone by, and yet I still remember everything.
And it was painful.
For that brief time that I have found serenity in his arms, I knew I was in love.
"Botan?"
Utter stupidity! Just the night before I found myself in a trance of nostalgic memories, and now I'm here in front of another man, completely void of any other except that his eyes were now burying themselves against mine. And I can't help feeling the blush that would always creep up my cheeks whenever he sets his lovely eyes on me, setting me instantly in a fury of emotions that I couldn't keep up with all of them.
Although, I wasn't sure about myself. He was good looking, I give you that, but I doubted whether or not these feelings were the same as I have felt the night before.
It's the same, stupid.
I winced at that voice in my head, a constant sermon about me being a fool to even try to think about these feelings. But at times I find its remarks mind-shattering, my head acknowledging the constant snaps, for there was one remark I can hardly forget. A remark on why I kept finding myself drowning in his eyes.
Because they both have the same piercing gaze.
"Botan."
His voice was firm, standing
out. That second call had cut through my thoughts well enough. I looked
up at him, my brows arched in question at the address.
His own brows furrowed, leaning against his long, slender arms as he stared down at me. "You were going to ask me something?" he reminded me, his emerald eyes slicing deep into my own. And suddenly, I found myself breathless. Again.
See? I told you. The same, ne?
"Shut up," I muttered in a low voice. He frowned even further at that careless remark. I quickly shook my head at him. That remark was not intended to be heard. "Anou…a few days ago…you said something about talking to me?" my voice trembled slightly at the slight awkwardness between us. Up until now, I couldn't find myself to look up directly into his eyes. Not longer than a few measly seconds. I'm butter in his gaze, and I know I had to stay away from it unless I want to lose to him.
Suddenly, the light in his eyes died down as he leaned back against his seat. "Oh," was all he said, suddenly finding the straw in drink interesting, fumbling around with the tip and kept on staring at it.
Silence covered us both, neither wanting to look at the other. I've caught tiny glimpses of him in the corner of my eyes, but he seemed too much into his own world to even notice me looking. I waited for him to reply, but none came. It was only when the silence started to bother me when I tried to ask again. "Uhm…Kurama?"
"Not now," he sighed finally, shaking his head. He paused for a second, looking up at me slowly with a small smile. "You do understand, don't you?"
No.
"I suppose."
That was a lie.
Shut up!
His smile widened, his eyes returning to that familiar sparkle. "So, is that all?" he asked, easing himself further into his seat.
I sighed. "I guess so," I told him, looking down at my hands as they fumbled violently at the tissue paper I held between them. Why was I so nervous around him? Why can't I just act naturally like I do with all the others?
Another awkward silence.
I awaited further words from him rather impatiently, but kept my calm as anxiety flowed through me. I felt my body warm and cold all at the same time as I watched him stare outside the glass windows. "Botan?" I drew a sharp intake of breath when he called me, my name but a simple note in the beauty of his voice.
Much as I found myself unable to move at the sudden spell he had cast, I found my strength to look at him. I cleared my throat of whatever lump that was placed there whenever he looks at me, willing myself to respond. "Yes?"
"Will you be there watching us during the tournament?" he asked.
I cleared my mind of any other thoughts. Or at least I tried. "I think so, I'll be asking Koenma-sama if I can," I replied.
That seemed to have brought him a smile. I think. "You'll be rooting for us, won't you?"
I smiled. Despite the uneasiness, I still can find comfort in those heart-melting smiles he'd give, getting me lost in a fury of emotions.
Like the time you smiled at him.
Yes...like that time we first met. The time even his misty glare brought me a smile. The time when he looked at me in confusion...
...And gave me his own smile.
"I promise."
With that final remark, he nodded his head and said goodbye. I couldn't tell him I wouldn't be able to watch the first part of the battle because I have things to do, but I wasn't sure it would make a difference. I didn't even know if he really cared. I sighed, slipping out of the booth, my knees weak from all the trembling. He makes me remember him so clearly. Now that I've thought I've gotten over the loss, why did the memory had to come back? Why does the pain have to come back? Why...is it another false hope that fate would give me? Another false hope on love again? I woudn't take it...I'm still in love with him.
End of chapter 4