Note: We're taking a well-deserved break for a few days to spend time with our families. Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukkah/Solstice/festival of your choice to everybody, and see you after the holidays! Be nice and leave us plenty of reviews as gifts, please? : ) DB/CR, Christmas 2002
Seasons To Remember
Chapter 4: A Friend To Confide In
They had progressed to the second album off the stack by now, but Lynne had taken hold of the first one once more. She opened it to the set of pictures displaying the two couples, looking at each with new eyes. One photograph especially caught her attention; it didn't quite seem to fit with the rest. Before either Tommy or Kat could launch into another tale, she touched her mother's knee.
"Can we wait a second, please? I have a question," she said.
"Yes, dear?"
"Who's the blonde with Dad?" Lynne wondered, staring at the picture. "I know it's not you, Mom …"
"No, that's Emily Benson," Kat replied. "Jason's girlfriend in senior year. He started dating her around the time Tommy and I first went out."
"At least he stayed true to type," Oliver commented critically. "Blue eyes, blonde hair … you looked prettier, though," he declared, winking at his mother.
"Thank you," Kat smiled, pleased by the compliment.
"She was Jase's first serious relationship," Tommy divulged with a small grin. "While we were all happy for him – it was the time when love was very definitely in the air, what with Kat and me dating, and Adam and Tanya getting together – nobody had expected him to fall for someone like her."
"What do you mean, someone like her? She looks nice enough," Jared said, puzzled.
"Emily was … well, I guess our parents would have called her a 'bad girl'," Tommy said blandly.
There were several gasps around the room.
"Dad dated a 'bad girl'? No way!" Lynne exclaimed, only to add dubiously, "He didn't really, did he?"
Kat rolled her eyes. "You're exaggerating," she scolded Tommy, who grinned unrepentantly. The less-than-favorable first impression Emily had made on the gang had provided him and Rocky with a wealth of material to tease Jason with for months. To her offspring, Kat explained. "Emily wasn't bad, she just had fallen in with a somewhat wild crowd when we first met her. They committed some minor vandalism – which they did help to repair, later – some underage drinking and so on. But she was perfectly nice as soon as she and Jason got interested in each other."
"Still, the idea kind of boggles the mind," Oliver commented, sounding just a tad disappointed that his father hadn't been involved with someone truly outrageous. "I mean, Dad used to be such a straight arrow …"
"How long did they date, anyway?" Lynne changed the subject, although she resolved to grill her Uncle Rocky about this Emily person at the first opportunity.
"Oh, about as long as Tommy and I did," her mother mused. "I know Jason was still together with her on Christmas 1999."
~*~
Kat checked her shopping list as she ambled down the crowded hallways of the East Angel Grove Mall. She had crossed off maybe two-thirds of the presents she wanted (and needed) to buy and which she hadn't already brought from London, but her feet hurt … and a cup of tea or coffee, with maybe an almond cookie, sounded just about perfect right now. Determinedly, she turned left at the next intersection, intending to make a beeline for the food court, when suddenly she spied a familiar figure coming out of … a jeweller's store?!?
She quickened her pace, hurrying after the broad-shouldered young man clad in jeans, grey shirt and a black leather jacket. If he had indeed bought what she thought he might have, she very definitely wanted to be the first to know!
He stopped at a window and looked at the display, but apparently found nothing to his liking; he was turning to leave again when Kat caught up with him. She tapped one leather-covered arm.
"Surprise!"
Jason whirled around, startled out of his thoughts. It took him a moment to realize he wasn't seeing things, that the lovely blonde smiling at him so impishly was indeed his friend, then his face lit up with a broad, delighted grin.
"Kat!"
Impulsively, he hugged her and was pleasantly surprised to note that not only she didn't object but hugged him back just as enthusiastically.
"Man, it's good to see you," he laughed, giving her a quick once-over from her silver-blonde locks caught in a careless topknot to her modishly shod feet. She was just as pretty as he remembered. "What are you doing here? I thought you were in London!"
Katherine dimpled at him. "Christmas break, silly. I came home two days ago."
"Duh. Of course." He grimaced comically, making her laugh. "And hitting the Mall already, I see. Guess it's once a shopaholic, always a shopaholic," he teased.
Kat mock-glared. "It's easier to do at least some of my shopping here – that way, I didn't have to bother about breakables, weight limits or customs," she explained.
"Tell me about it," Jason smiled, remembering his own return from Geneva. "When I came back from Europe, I had to send a lot of my stuff by air freight, and if Trini hadn't helped me pack … as it was, only a bottle of perfume I'd bought for my Mom broke. That suitcase still smells of lavender!"
Kat giggled at that. Then, she indicated the four shopping bags he was carrying. "You've been melting the plastic, too?"
"Hardly that. I needed some new exercise stuff … and a book I'd ordered for class has come in. I picked it up, is all."
"Have you even started on your Christmas shopping? It's already the 16th," she chided.
"That's still eight shopping days left," he replied with studied blandness, knowing exactly how to get Kat going – the same way as Kim, Trini and Tanya. They, too, had been known to harangue their more indifferent male friends to get earlier starts on what they considered a necessity of life.
"You really have no presents at all in there?"
Jason chuckled at her tone – both faintly scandalized and disappointed. "Well … maybe I do." He shifted his bags to his other hand, removing them from inquisitive blue eyes. "Has anyone ever told you that curiosity killed the Kat?" Then, he quickly jumped backwards, knowing how much she hated cat jokes. Inadvertently, he bumped into another shopper; the Mall was rather crowded. "Oops, I'm sorry, Ma'am," he apologized hastily, blushing under the reproachful glare and huffy snort of a lady old enough to be his grandmother.
The little scene made Kat grin gleefully, but it also brought to her attention that the two of them were creating a roadblock in the steadily-moving stream of browsers.
"Say, I was just about to stop for a coffee or something; want to join me? I'd really like to catch up with everything that's happened here while I was gone," she suggested.
"Coffee sounds good," Jason agreed. "Lead me to it!"
Laughing out loud, Katherine slipped her arm through his. "Okay. As long as we don't have to follow a yellow brick road," she giggled, and together they marched off towards the food court.
~*~
Somehow or other, one cup of coffee turned into three as Kat and Jason settled in a small restaurant and exchanged news and histories, forgetting all about shopping and other errands. She had just started her third year at the Royal Academy and was now allowed to take part in actual rehearsals; he was finishing a combination business course/Phys. Ed. Teacher training at college to become a full partner with Rocky, planning to open a branch of the moderately successful Stone Canyon dojo in Angel Grove. She was bubbling over all the places she'd visited in Europe during her half-term breaks, finding an interested and knowledgeable listener in Jason, who'd travelled to a lot of the same locations during his stint at the Peace Conference. He was telling her everything he knew about what their friends were up to these days, even providing addresses and a few pictures. She talked about her successes, occasional failures and plans for the future. He was … strangely reticent about his personal life.
It took Kat a while to notice; there were so many things to talk about, to tell, to share … but when they finally wound down and lingered over the dregs of their beverages, she remembered where she had spied him – coming out of a jeweller's store.
With studied casualness, Kat leaned back in her seat. Disguising her curiosity as best she could as merely friendly interest, she flicked a nail against his shopping bags, which rested on a chair between them.
"So … what were you looking for in the Diamond Mine?" she asked with a smile. "Anything you want to share with an old friend?"
Jason grinned, recognizing the ploy for what it was.
"I didn't buy anything," he answered placidly.
Kat raised a sceptical eyebrow. "Oh really?"
"Yes, really."
She stared hard at him. Jason sounded sincere enough, but if one knew what to look for, his eyes would always give him away. Yes, there it was – a hint of a twinkle in the dark depths that meant he wasn't being entirely truthful in a good way.
"I don't believe you," she declared boldly. "You're just like the other guys; you wouldn't be caught dead in a place like that if you didn't have business there."
He chuckled even as he blushed; Kat had pegged him pretty well. He had bought a present there, and he was going to tell her; after all, it was no big secret. Still, he tried to stall a little.
*Let her squirm! Serves her right for being this nosy!*
"They do sell batteries for watches," he said blandly. "And I needed to get a new one for mine."
Kat snorted delicately. "Yeah, right. You'd go to a real jeweller when you can have it done cheaper at the nearest Wal-Mart or something."
Jason's lips twitched amusedly. "I took in Mom's pearls to be restrung for Christmas?" By making it a question he showed Kat that he was aware she was fishing … and that he was playing a little with her.
Mock-pouting, Kat seemed to ponder the explanation. While it was frustrating to be kept deliberately dangling like this, it was fun to engage in such mutual teasing with Jason.
"Hmm, maybe," she conceded at last. "But a little birdie tells me that's not it, either."
"I know that critter; it's been blabbing to you girls all the time for years now," Jason grumbled. "Maybe I ought to buy a shotgun and put us guys out of our collective misery by killing it."
His blonde companion snickered naughtily. "Like you could."
"Mumblehmphmuttergrumblepffffffffft," he uttered under his breath, trying for a glare that wouldn't work. Kat only laughed.
"Jason, you know you'll tell me eventually. And if you won't, I can just call your mother and get the truth from her. You might just as well give in gracefully," she told him smugly, blue eyes sparkling with good humor. "Come on, don't be a spoilsport! Please?"
"Oh very well," he gave in, shaking his head. "I bought a tie clip for my father."
"Right," Kat laughed, still not believing him – thinking he was trying to make a secret out of a far more significant purchase. "So show it to me!"
Jason shrugged. "Can't. I left it there to be engraved with his initials." He reached for his wallet. "I can show you the receipt, though."
Deflated, the blonde shook her head. "No thanks," she sighed, disappointment very evident in her voice. "If you say it's a tie clip …" Her companion had to chuckle at her crestfallen look.
"Why, what did you think I'd bought?"
Kat blushed and fidgeted with her purse. "I, um, I thought you had looked at diamonds."
Jason snorted. "A bit out of my budget, wouldn't you say? I am just a lowly college student; it's hard enough to get by without taking out too many loans. If I saved up for something, it'd be for something much more practical than diamonds. Like next year's tuition, or a new car."
"Not if that something were an engagement ring," she mumbled, slightly embarrassed now. "I honestly thought you and Emily …" Surprised, she trailed off when she saw Jason's face go blank at her remark. The dark eyes closed for an instant, then he averted his head. But he wasn't fast enough for Kat not to notice the expression of pain crossing his features, nor the way his knuckles went white as they clenched around his empty coffee cup, nearly crushing the cardboard. Her breath caught in her throat, and she reached out, touching his arm in instinctive comfort.
"Jason, what's wrong?"
He just shook his head. "Nothing." His tone, and the sudden tension in his muscles, belied the word.
"I don't believe that," Kat said gently. "Jason, I've known you long enough to know when you're hiding something, and you're definitely doing it now." She waited a few moments, but when he neither said anything nor would look at her, she made a wild guess. "Did you propose and Emily turned you down?" she asked as delicately as possible, reaching for his hand.
All she got was a deep, deep sigh. At last, Jason met her concerned gaze, his own full of confusion and pain. "I wish it were that simple," he murmured. "If Emily truly didn't want to marry me, I could accept that and get over it."
"You mean she doesn't?"
Jason thought that over.
"I … I think she'd say yes if I'd asked her," he said slowly. "I mean, I know she does want to have a family one of these days …"
"But you haven't asked her yet?"
"No."
"Why not?" Kat wondered. "You guys have been dating practically as long as Tommy and I; and if you're sure about your feelings … you're not afraid, are you?" Her teasing smile melted away as she was suddenly reminded of the last time she and Tommy had talked about their relationship; the night before she left for London. They had both said things at the time that they regretted later, and hastily-mailed letters and a few phone calls had eventually set things right again between them, but … it was definitely a case of 'forgiven, but not forgotten'. The blonde frowned minutely; what did it say about their relationship that come crunch time neither was ready to make sacrifices? Of course, the sacrifice in question was a pretty big one for her and for Tommy, but wasn't their love worth it? Or did not wanting to give up one's life's ambition for the sake of one's partner make them both just selfish? She honestly had no idea. And being separated by half a world didn't exactly help matters, either.
Kat desperately needed to talk about this with someone who knew them both, who had been there when things had been … not so perfect, the summer after graduation – shortly before they retired as Rangers.
Under any other circumstances, Jason would be her first choice for a confidante; in all matters concerning Tommy he was closer to her than even Tanya. It had started when Prince Gasket had captured and brainwashed Tommy; the closeness and unity of purpose they'd found between them then had stayed even after the crisis was over. And in time, they'd developed a very close friendship of their own. But the look of misery in the expressive dark eyes demanded that she set aside her own problems for now. This time, it was clearly Jason who needed a willing ear.
Well, he's got mine.
"Jason?" Kat repeated his name softly, starting to stroke the back of his hand in small circles. "Is there something wrong between you and Emily? Have you broken up?"
"No," he mumbled, staring at her pink-tipped nails as if mesmerized. "And … and I'm not afraid of asking her to marry me, either."
"Then what …?" she prompted.
Jason swallowed and moistened his lips. He wasn't afraid, but it took still all of his not inconsiderable courage to say what he'd only vaguely thought about in the darkest corners of his mind.
"I'm not sure I want to marry her," he whispered at last. "Not anymore."
"Oh Jason …" Kat's heart went out to her friend. That seemed pretty serious – like … she dared hardly think it … the end of a relationship. And endings always hurt, more so when one of the people concerned felt things so deeply as Jason usually did. It was one of his more endearing qualities, albeit one he tried to hide from everybody but his closest friends. Kat felt honoured that he evidently considered her one to share so much.
For herself, she'd been lucky; she'd never had her heart broken, but she'd seen the effects firsthand in Tommy, after he'd received Kimberly's infamous letter. To see a similar kind of pain in Jason was … disconcerting, to say the least.
"What happened?" she asked. "If you want to tell me, that is."
He looked at her then, more baffled than hurt if she read him right.
"That's just it," he shrugged helplessly. "Nothing happened. I didn't meet someone else, Emily didn't either … we've been going on just as we used to, no great upheavals or anything … I just know that whenever we go on a date, I know I'll have fun, but … there are times when I'd be just as happy staying at home, doing nothing. I used to feel all excited when I went to meet her; I don't anymore. I mean, I used to feel my heart beat faster, my palms would get sweaty, I couldn't wait to get to her house … now, all that is just … gone. One day, the feeling just wasn't there anymore, and I have no idea where it went or why it went away at all."
There wasn't much Kat could say to that – every thing that came to her mind were just platitudes, and Jason deserved better from her. So, she settled for squeezing his hand warmly.
"I'm sorry," she murmured. "I can only imagine how hard this must be for you."
"Hard … I guess," he sighed. "At least in the sense of wishing I knew what to do about it. How do you get back something that you didn't even notice you've lost?"
Kat thought the question over. Jason was talking about emotional distance, about loss even. An indifferent listener – or maybe just an objective one – might come to the conclusion that he had fallen out of love with Emily by now, but as his friend, Kat was neither indifferent nor objective. She very much wanted him to be happy, just as she was with Tommy, but …
Am I? Are Tommy and I really happy? After what we accused each other of before I left, after spending so much time apart … CAN we still be happy?
She pushed the traitorous thought aside – and decided to ignore the fact that it wasn't a new thought, either. Instead, she focussed once more on Jason, who was still rambling on about the changes he perceived in his relationship with his spirited girlfriend.
"…I mean, it'd be so easy to just cut my losses and call it quits between us, but I'm not a quitter; I'm not giving up on something important that easily."
Listening to his ruminations with all senses alert, it dawned on Kat as if Jason had already found his answer, but so far was refusing to face it. She didn't want to make him admit anything before he was ready to do so, however she didn't want to encourage him to maintain a union that maybe was already falling apart at the seams, either.
What a tightrope to walk! And I'm not even a gymnast! Why do I always wind up giving advice to the lovelorn? Tommy, Adam, now Jason …I can't handle this!
But Jason was winding down now, looking at her with such hope in his dark eyes that Kat didn't have the heart to fob him off with a few glib, non-committal remarks. Thinking hard, she sought to give him an answer that would actually help, not just tell him what he might want to hear.
"First … I think you have to ask yourself what you expect from your relationship – really, what you expect of Emily, of yourself … and then compare it with what you know of Emily's expectations. If you don't know them … ask. Make a list of pros and cons, if that helps. Second … take a good, hard, honest look at everything and everybody and decide whether it's realistic. Or if you need to adjust your thinking. If you can compromise – and where you'd want her to do the same. Third … can you live with those choices? And if you can't, what would be the honourable – the right – thing to do."
Jason heard her out with intense concentration, absorbing everything. His expression grew thoughtful, and to her relief Kat saw some of the tension leave his body. He nodded slowly.
"You know … that makes an awful lot of sense," he said at last. "I guess deep down I knew I had to do something like that, but … it sure helps to hear you say it's not a completely wacky idea. I mean, in a way it sounds as if I'd be making a list comparing this car over that, for example, not as if I was gonna decide whether to break up with Emily or not."
There, it was said. For an instant, Jason looked slightly shocked at himself, then exhaled gustily.
"I guess that's what it comes down to, doesn't it?" he remarked ruefully.
Kat smiled somewhat helplessly. "It sounds that way, from what you've told me," she agreed. "But Jason, I'm not telling you yes or no. That's a decision you'll have to make all alone, I'm afraid."
"I was afraid you were going to say that," he muttered with an attempt at a baleful glare. It didn't quite work.
"Well … yes."
"Hmph," he grumbled. Kat chuckled softly, glad that the emotionally-charged atmosphere of moments ago was slowly lightening. She patted the large hand still resting under hers comfortingly.
"I know you'll make the right choice, Jase," she murmured. "You're too basically honest and honourable to do anything else. And I hope you know that no matter what you decide, you'll have my – our support."
Jason summoned a slight smile and turned his hand around, grasping the slim fingers and kissed them lightly. "I know. Thanks."
"For what?" Kat wondered, blushing a bit at the unexpected caress.
"For listening. For not judging. For not telling me clichés like 'it'll all work out somehow'. For being a real friend," Jason enumerated. "It really helped that I could talk to you."
"Then I'd say 'mission accomplished', and you're very welcome," she smiled. "I'm glad I could help."
Now if I could only take my own advice …
~*~
"They broke up the next spring," Tommy reminisced. "Jase was feeling guilty over it for a long time, and not just because Emily wasn't taking it well at all."
"Why would Dad feel guilty?" Oliver wondered. "If their relationship had run its course it was the honest thing to do to say so …"
"He saw it as a personal failure – just like I did when Kat and I broke up. From the distance of hindsight and rational thinking, we both knew we did the right thing, but at the time … let's just say it wasn't an easy thing to deal with."
"I can see that," Jasmine mused. "When I think back to my first boyfriend back in New York … we split with a huge fight. It hurt like the dickens at the time, but at least there was a clear-cut reason why things didn't work out. To have things just fizzle, with no-one or nothing really to blame …"
"Exactly," Tommy concurred. "And it's even harder to find the right time, and the right words to end it. Because you know that the other is going to get hurt, no matter what, where, when or how."
"All things considered, the two of us didn't do too badly when we reached
that point," Kat murmured with a nostalgic smile. "At least we realized
it was mutual, and we were able to remain friends."
To Be Continued …