Standard disclaimers apply; Yu Yu Hakusho and all mentioned characters are not mine. This took a while compared to the other chapters, so sorry, I'm a little bit on the confused side right now ^-^' I think it's because it's hard putting Botan in a sad part of the story, she's almost always seen laughing. Anyway, chapter is done in Botan's point of view.
Warning! Major sap in this chapter, guess I have to thank Rav-chan for that! *bursts out laughing and waves at Raven* It's not exactly the way it should go, in fact, I never really knew what would happen but, *points at hands* they have a different brain, remember? ^_~ This chapter is supposed to be about friendship but…*looks down at chapter* er…*cough* I have no idea how it went to THAT! They just went on their own ^_^ Also, Kurama's OOC, but hey, who knows what's he's like when he's in love, ne? ^_~ (Yech! That sounded MAJORLY sappy! *bonks head on wall*)
Chapter 12By the time I was able to open my eyes, I met with the worse headache I've had ever since I could remember. I sat up and brought a hand up to my head, wincing as I felt my head a bit shaken.
"Are you hurt?"
I looked up, and met with the biggest, warmest green eyes I ever remembered setting my sights upon that it was difficult not to lose myself in speechless staring. I forced myself to look away, shaking my head to wake myself up from the daze I felt. "I-I don't know, my head hurts," I muttered, considering whether or not I should take the hand that was being offered to me. I still wasn't used to being close to him, I still felt uneasy. Yet my body thought otherwise. Seeing how I'm unable to stand on my own feet at the moment, I knew I needed the aid.
Kurama pulled me up, guiding me to sit down on a nearby chair. "Your body is in shock from being separated from the spirit, you might be feeling sick." He smoothed up my hair from my eyes, and I'll be a fool if I say this didn't make me blush. But he seemed oblivious of my reaction as he reached up behind his hair and pulled out a single leaf. He held it in front of my seemingly dry, closed mouth, ushering me to take it in. "Chew this and let it stay between your teeth, it'll help the nausea."
I nodded my head once, wincing again as I felt a sudden sickness in my stomach build up. Without hesitation, I took the leaf in my hand, crushed it and brought it inside my mouth. The taste was bitter, that I couldn't help stopping myself from chewing it and just quickly hid it between my teeth. I don't know why the dizziness stopped, whether it was really the effect or my brain just stopped working from the awful taste. But either way, I was thankful, despite the taste.
He nodded his head after I steadied, signaling that I had done what he told me. He then stood up and headed for the table. Two shining orbs floated above the surface, and Kurama took these in his hands. My eyes flew behind me, as a gasp escaped from my lips when I saw Kazuma-kun and Hiei still as cold as statues.
Then I remembered. Kaitou's territory. The forbidden word.
I remembered. Hiei was the first one taken, then Kazuma-kun, then me. I sat motionless in my seat, all in all ashamed of my carelessness. After all, I just had to be stupid enough to slip the word out. Hiei-kun was there to see how Kaitou's ability works, Kazuma-kun didn't know that saying it silently is forbidden. It was I who was the ditzy one who said it out loud. Without thinking even.
Soft, light laughter sounded through the enclosed room and cut through my thoughts. I frowned and turned my back, looking over at Kurama as his laughter grew louder, his back to me. "What?!" I asked, irritated, gritting my teeth to keep the leaf between my teeth.
He shook his head. "Nothing," he stopped laughing, stood still, then turned around to look at me. His eyes were soft, a small smile still lingering in his lips. "Don't think about it much, you were worried about Kuwabara," he said, Kazuma and Hiei's spirits still in his hands. He looked at them for a moment, a tiny tinge of worry in his eyes.
I lowered my gaze. Despite his reassurance, I still felt guilty about leaving him alone like that. I was supposed to stay with him, but idiot Botan-chan just can't keep her mouth shut, can she? I shook my head and sighed. I stood up and went over a garbage bin, getting rid of the bitter leaf from my mouth. It worked, I didn't feel as sick as I was before. I went back to my seat and hugged myself. "I wonder how Yusuke's doing."
"He'll be all right," he said, almost confidently. I turned back to him and saw him lowering Kazuma and Hiei's spirit orbs into their respective bodies.
I blinked, watching the spirits penetrate through the body. The thought of having the spirits mixed up crossed me and made me laugh. I wonder what Hiei would say when he finds out he's inside Kazuma-kun.
I was Kurama shook his head, joining me in his silent way of laughing. "The spirits have respective bodies, Botan, they can't get mixed up."
I 'hmphed', glaring at him as he waited for the two to wake up. "Stop reading my thoughts!"
He laughed again. "I can't help it, I guess I can somehow figure out what you're thinking of."
I frowned, my eyes lowering again. It was silence again, enveloping us in its heart-braking coldness. I stole a glance of Kurama crouching down to attend to Kazuma-kun and Hiei, quietly watching over them both. I felt my lips tremble, my hands clutching my arms in a tighter hug.
Kurama. He knows me well it seems. Has it been so long?
I looked up at the sound of Kazuma's yawning and the low grunt Hiei usually gives out when he's hurt. I saw Kazuma-kun sit up first, holding his head with one eye tightly shut in an obvious wince. He looked up at Kurama, then me, then Kurama again. He then looked at his hands. "Whoa! I'm alive!"
Hiei grunted again. He was lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling as he tried to catch his breath. He didn't even look at Kazuma-kun. "Baka. We're not supposed to die yet."
Kazuma-kun started, grabbing Hiei by his neckline and glared at him. "What did you call me, you dumb koorime?!"
Hiei returned the glare and slapped Kazuma's hands away. "Baka, you baka! Are you as deaf as you are dumb?"
Kazuma was about to jump on Hiei when Kurama caught him by the arm. "Enough Kuwabara, Yusuke's still waiting for us."
Kazuma-kun blinked, looking down at Kurama, then turned around to look around the room. "Hell of a green thumb you've got, Kurama."
I didn't know how I missed it at first, but there were plants all around us, the room was almost flooded with them. Argh! Baka Botan-chan, you really need to have your brain examined. I shook my head and just settled on watching Kazuma-kun burrow his way around the plants, pushing them back and stepping into them as if looking for something. "Oi, Kurama! Kaitou's here!"
Hiei rolled his eyes and stepped closer to Kurama. "We should go."
Kurama nodded. He called Kazuma and led us towards the door. I followed silently. I looked at Kurama, and then to Kazuma-kun and Hiei, who were still obviously still in a daze. Hiei was doing well enough on his own though, but Kazuma-kun kept on alternating his head from side to side, probably looking for the right position. I waited for Kurama to offer him the same medicine, but it didn't seem that he was planning to do so.
I sweatdropped.
Yuu-chan and Kazuma-kun are still shocked when they found out that it was all Genkai-baasan's doing. Kurama wasn't the least bit surprised since he was actually expecting it, and Hiei, he didn't look like he cared at all. And Hiei also, left when Koenma-sama said that he was just a class-B type of youkai. Koenma-sama said that Hiei must've been disappointed.
Genkai-baasan clapped her hands to call our attention. "It's a bit late, so we'll settle ourselves in here, all right?"
Kazuma-kun jumped back, his face filled with horror. "NANI?! But I can't sleep without a pillow!" he screeched. He then turned to me. "Ne, Botan-chan, mind if I use you as a pillow?"
I felt a vein pop as my fist mechanically met with his face, hearing a few of his teeth break beneath my punch. I was still fuming as he fell down unconscious on the floor, sprawled a little bit on the ungraceful side. I held my chin up. "Pervert! I took care of your sleeping problems for you!"
Yusuke had to hold me down to keep me from kicking Kazuma's heap for a fallen body. He dragged me by the arm and, to my horror and surprise, pushed me to Kurama. I stumbled towards him, Yusuke purposely meant to do that, that he had to catch me lest I fall flat on the floor. "There! YOU take care of her, I don't like sleeping next to Botan lest I get myself a kick on the face or a punch if ever Keiko-chan finds out!" He grinned and waved at us, snickering on his way as he ran around the room table to settle himself on the wall across from us.
I was about to throw something at Yusuke when I felt a warm hand hold my wrist firmly but gently, asking me to look up at who it was that held me. I blushed, remembering who it was that I was pushed to, remembering who it was who held me. I didn't look up.
Kurama pulled me away, laying a hand up to my shoulder to calm me down. But as far as I'm concerned, I was already too much into bursting into hysterics, he need not ask me to settle down, I'm unable to talk even if my life depended on it. But Kurama, he was still cool and composed as he settled me down on a nearby corner. Even if I was a bit uneasy, I had to admit that he had positioned me quite comfortably enough for sleep. He crouched in front of me and smiled. "Are you sleepy?" he asked gently, thoughtfully lowering his voice to keep the others from waking up.
I looked up at him and realized that I wasn't. My heartbeat was too fast, like a madly beating drum that I doubted can put me to sleep. I shook my head. "I'm fine. But I'm not yet sleepy though."
Kurama shrugged and sat beside me, pulling one knee up and wound an arm around it as he leaned his head back against the wall. "I'm tired, but strange as it may sound, I'm not sleepy either," he said, closing his eyes but opening them momentarily. He sighed, looked around at the others, then tilted his head to look at me, lowering his voice to a whisper. "Ne, mind if we talk for a while?"
I was still feeling uneasy sitting here with him, but I nodded. I was hesitant, but I can't help it. I really wanted to talk to him as well. I felt like I needed to, even if I don't know what to talk about at all. But I guess I needed to assure myself that everything was all right. I was never used to feeling uneasy around anybody before, yet I never felt as safe, as right, with anybody else except for Kurama either. It was as if I was always meant to be with him, whether or not it was from his hold or just plain having him with me, I didn't care. I tried to stay away, but something was always pulling me to him.
We were silent at first, neither of us spoke for a few minutes. I was the one who broke the silence. "Kurama? Are you angry with me?"
He raised an eyebrow at me, his lips curving up to a small smile. "Would I be asking you talk if I am?" he asked, an amused smile playing on his face. I couldn't help keeping my stare this time, and I let myself look at him straightly now. Yes, he was still as beautiful as he was then. I don't know if it was just me or something else, but I thought I saw a glint of his golden eyes beneath those emerald ones, that I had to blink myself away from them before I lose it again.
"It's…" I started, lowering my eyes to hands. "It's just that, I still…"
I still love you.
But I couldn't say it. I kept myself silent, my lips trembling as I felt the tiny tinge of heated tears in my eyes. I tried Kurama, I really did. But I can't get rid of it. I'll understand it if you'll hate me, but I'll never turn my back to you. I love you.
I felt his eyes one me. "Botan?"
I shook my head, forcing my earlier thoughts at the back of my mind. "N-Nothing. Nevermind, it was nothing."
Silence again. Funny how the irony of it all kept me from laughing. I was always the happy one, and I was always the one who has all the things to say. Goodness, it was my big mouth's fault why I was even caught in Kaitou's territory in the first place! But now, I felt like I had nothing to say. There was nothing else to say to him, lest I want my tongue to slip again and completely lose him when I just had him back. I should just feel happy that he was here with me again. But no. I was miserable.
"Gomen."
I looked up, surprised. "W-What's that?"
His eyes were firmly set on the ground, his hand clenched into a tight fist. He seemed to be shaking. "I'm sorry, it was my fault."
I was confused. I straightened myself to look at him. "Kurama?"
He really was shaking. His fist trembled in a violent frenzy as he suddenly hit the wall beside him, letting his head fall limply as if in defeat. "Everything!" he hissed, his hair hiding his eyes from me. "Everything, ever since the beginning. All of it was my fault. I never should've come back, I should've just let my spirit linger in Makai for eternity! I never should've hoped that I'd have it all back!"
I was confused that I felt the tears stinging my eyes. I never wanted so much to hold him, to tell him that it was all right, but I was afraid. I hesitated, only leaning a few inches closer to him, but not touching. I tried calling him again. "Kurama-kun…"
In one quick move, he had me in a tight embrace, his face buried in the crook of my neck as he held me to him as if I'd push him away. He was still trembling, as I felt every bit of his tremor underneath my skin. "But I was selfish…" he whispered, his voice muffled by my clothes and by his soft sobs. "I never should've tried…"
I was so confused, yet so afraid of what was happening that I finally let the tears fall. "What do you mean? I don't understand---"
"Why do you think I escaped from my death anyway? Do you think I'm that conceited? My life has always been useless, I was actually waiting for death to come! I've always wished for something better, and I thought that I can never find it in my lifetime that I just wished that I'd die every single day of my life!"
He was angry, but his eyes told me that his anger wasn't directed to me. My eyes softened, pleading that he'd explain what he was trying to say. But he shook his head.
"But by the time I met this ferry girl, it all changed. I felt like I can be with her, that the heavens have finally realized that I deserved something more than just being a feared thief in those cursed realms. But I was wrong. I was never meant to be with her, and now everything's turned upside-down and I don't know what to do. And it's all my fault! I was so stupid to even think there could be anything else."
Even before I could tell him anything, he pulled away and gazed at me, his eyes burying themselves deeper into my own. "I never cry, Botan, I never remembered an instant that I had. I've never been afraid."
Now, I was crying. I didn't know what to do, didn't know how to comfort him. If only you'd tell me what's wrong. "Demo…Kurama, I---"
But I was cut off when I felt his lips on mine, surprising me to the point of a breathless shock. I blinked away the tears and just let myself melt into his kiss, whispering prayers to the skies to let this moment last. But I knew it never will. And I knew it was never meant to happen in the fist place. When I thought I could be completely lost, he pulled away.
He stood up and closed his eyes, wiping away the last drop of tear that lingered on my cheek. "I can never be anything to you. You shouldn't cry, everything was my fault."
That was the last thing he said to me. And then he left.
Memories kept rushing back
Help!!!
Wait! Help me, please!
You're bleeding.
It's none of your business.
Are you sure about this?
I was crying again, staring blankly at the closed door from where Kurama had left. I dared not follow, and I hugged myself from the sudden coldness that I felt from his loss.
I shook my head.
You're wrong Kurama. I was supposed to be the dead one, you were the one who gave my life back. I never should've asked.
It was my fault.
End of chapter 12