Destiny

Standard disclaimers apply; Yu Yu Hakusho and all mentioned characters are not mine and all those usual yappings. Chapter done in Kurama's point of view.

The story isn't flowing the way I want it to over the last chapters for some reason...*sighs*. Ne! Sorry if I haven't been reflecting much on Botan's side, heehee, finally, someone caught my booboo ^_^' The problem is, I can't do it properly on Botan's side, weird as it may sound since I should know, being a girl myself. Huhu...*puts on boke hat* Ayah! Che-chan will do her best next time, is that okay? ^.^ Comments, suggestions and all those usual stuff are very much appreciated ^_^ - blackcape@edsamail.com.ph

Chapter 15

My sight was still blurry when I opened my eyes. Pitch-black darkness was the first thing I saw, until my vision gradually adjusted to the lack of light. I saw a table across from where I was in. A pale, seemingly translucent curtain rubbed against my cheek, the texture of thin linen caressing the almost numb skin of my face. I felt a thick blanket against my bare chest and up to my chin, with a soft pillow supporting my aching head.

I tried to lift my hand to at least ease the surging pain in my temples, but an unexpected jolt of weakness ran up my arm. My body felt like it weighed a ton when I tried to sit up, and the pain in my head made me regret trying to get off the comforts of my pillow. I winced, and willed myself to at least look around.

The corner from which the bed laid, the window whose curtains still caressed my cheeks, the study table that carried a familiar school bag with a small shelf flooded with various books just beside it; yes, this were all familiar to me. Even through the darkness, I knew where I was. I was in my room.

I blinked, but regretted the action yet again when my head started to throb, together with the muscles that surrounded my eyes as they all seem to ache almost unbearably. I felt a sudden dryness in my throat, and my body immediately ached for water to quench my thirst. Thus, despite my unbearable weakness, I lifted both legs and tried to make it to the side of my bed. But as I moved my hand to support myself to one side, I came across something that kept me from moving any further.

The moonlight provided me enough light to recgnize what it was that I touched. My eyes widened.

Blue silken hair lay sprawled against the whiteness of the blanket, carelessly disheveled yet heavenly and hypnotizing in their state. Sleeves of baby pink gleamed against the light, bearing pale, seemingly delicate hands as they lay almost lifelessly on the softness of the bed. The thin arms that held these gentle fingers were bent, supporting the head that bore the face of an angel as it stayed tilted to one side, drowned in deep sleep.

The sheer beauty in her vulnerable state made me want to touch her, that even before I could stop myself, I already felt the softness of her cerulean locks embedded around my rough, calloused touch. All the thirst I previously felt for anything else were forgotten as I succumbed to the long-kept need to touch her, and though it may not seem to be the wisest of decisions, I lowered my lips to at least get a faint taste of her soft, painfully familiar skin.

All things that had kept me anchored to reality all seem to fade away as I laid there, my hand resting against her head, my thumb stroking her hair, my cheek rested on her arm yet careful not to bear too much weight. I closed my eyes, faintly similar to hers as she floated in a deep slumber, not even aware of this stolen moment I was having with her as she rested, oblivious from all the world. I did not dare sigh despite the pleasure that I felt, lest I risk rousing her from her sleep, thus cutting this much-awaited moment from which I've found an unfamiliar comfort.

Though blissful and contented as I thought I was, the pain caught in the very same source seem to rival the lightness in my chest. I shut my eyes as I tried to ignore the tightness inside me, shut myself from any pain that would force me to move away from her warmth. I'm tired of turning my back from what my mind was screaming for, and I even remembered the times I catch myself at times, asking why I even obey that tiny voice in my head. How was I so sure that what it says is the right thing?

I willed myself to stop thinking. I willed myself to stop thinking of the downfalls behind the possibilities, to stop thinking of whatever it was that I was warned about; Koenma's words, warnings that I refuse to understand yet I heed. All these kept me from having those I've come to long for, and kept me from the past from which I was seeking to continue. What was so wrong in wanting to be with her anyway? So what if we were worlds apart, we met, didn't that count? How were they damn sure it'll lead to someone else's ruin, how dare they generalize all these various races from which they base their rules upon?

I've asked myself these questions a thousand times, and yet I find myself distancing farther and farther despite my obvious repulsion against all of it. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe it was because I was afraid that if I dare tried to get my way, like I usually do in the past, I'd lose her once and for all. Similar events have happened. I've let my selfishness and arrogance get the best of me, and I've lost a lot of those things I've come to treasure instead of gaining anything at all.

I thought I've grown out of that habit, of being the selfish one. I had been a good leader to my own horde, and I've learned how to be patient and resistant to any sort of anxiety and all the other sort of emotion that kept me from being the best that I had once been. I don't know how it happened, how I've lost my sanity and reason just because of one, single person. I should've died, but what was I doing here? Was I wrong to even try?

But all thoughts, all questions, left me when I felt a faint steering from beneath me. The slow movement of her head made me pull away, and I watched her tiredly rub her eyes, her hands clenched in tight fists as she pushed all her drowsiness away. I moved away, leaning on one arm as I watched her with intent eyes, watching her tender movements as she stretched her limbs, watched as she slump down to take a deep breath.

Seconds of what seemed like eternity, they passed me by as I watched her. I didn't move in fear of her noticing me, which doesn't look like she have just yet. I was afraid to end the moment that I just had with her, afraid that she would notice the hand that I refused to pull away and still held her tiny wrist. I caught myself gazing down at her, drowned in the sheer beauty of her tiniest movement, lost in the brightness of her eyes of purple as they stared out in a blank expression.

It wasn't until a few more moments did she finally blink herself awake, and looked down at the hand that clutched her own. I waited for her to look up, to regard me with eyes filled with shock, or probably revulsion. After all, it's been long ago since we've been this close, and it had been my fault that it ended in such a regrettable moment in my part. All those words I've said, I didn't mean to say them out loud. I meant to just keep them to me, so she wouldn't suffer so in behalf of my own self-pity.

It would make me laugh how pathetic I found myself to be. Kurama, the famous thief that once been known as cold and indifferent of anything else, had finally learned how to shed tears. And in front of somebody else no doubt.

But it wasn't just somebody. This I know as I look down at her, her gaze still concentrated on something I may not be able to see. She was looking down at her own hand, still and seemingly unreachable despite the closeness of my own with hers. Yet her eyes were unfocused, still and unmoving beneath my gaze. Or was she just refusing to look up and see me?

After what seemed like hours yet I knew they were but seconds, I tired myself of waiting for her to move, and freed her from her restraint. She did not do anything, not even following the movement of my hand away from hers. And I pulled it to me, bringing up my other hand to hold the other as it trembled from the cold, and from the emptiness.

Silence reigned again for what seemed like long minutes until she finally spoke. "How are you feeling?" she asked, blinking up to move her gaze to me. What looked like a bitter smile graced her angelic features, her eyes still unreadable despite the cheer she was using to mask out whatever it was that she felt.

I felt my chest tighten yet again, taking my all just to prevent myself from clawing at it in attempts to make the pain go. I looked away, not finding it in myself to look at that smile, that little smile that seem to mock me with its beauty. Did she mean it? Was she really worried? It was paranoia that I felt, whether or not I should put up my cold shield so she wouldn't be able to enter with her alluring innocence, thus giving her all the permission to hurt me yet again, or just let myself succumb to her tender ministrations, mindless of anything else.

I decided to look away, my decision in between the two options, not knowing which to pick. I opened my mouth to speak, forming the words, "I'm fine" on my tongue as I rasped them out. I was not sure if that was a lie or not. I didn't know the answer myself.

She was silent yet again. She then stood up after a moment of looking at me and asked, "Are you hungry? Would you like me to get you anything?"

I looked up at her. My earlier thirst came back to me again, worse than it had been and made me want to cry out for comfort. But I decided I didn't want to bother her. "I'll do it," I said, moving from under the blanket to stand up, but her hands stopped me. Eitherway, I wouldn't be able to stand from the weakness but was too late to realize it, that I just had to thank her for stopping me.

"No. Koenma-sama told me to take care of you, so that's what I'm going to do." This she said, not waiting for me to respond and she was off.

So that was it. That was why she was here. Koenma told her to, and everything Koenma wants, Koenma gets. I sighed, trying to shake off the sudden surge of jealousy that seemed to course through me, ignoring it as it settled on my stomach in a sickening jolt. As if I hadn't had enough of my pathetic moments. I had no right to be jealous, it wasn't like I own her. And Koenma was her master, he had more right to her than I would ever have, no matter what I do. I just hope I can get to knock some sense into myself before I say anything else.

I sighed yet again, finally yielding to my body's pains and leaned back on the pillows, closing my eyes. Such a simple gesture took a lot of my strength as I gasped and panted out every measured breath. I can't remember what went through my mind on those moments from where I had my eyes closed, my vision void of anything else but the ebony darkness that surrounded me. I yielded to my tiredness, yielded to my body's plea of but a short rest. I don't think I thought of what happened, thought of what I had been thinking on that moment I lay there on the hard grounds of Makai, taunting Sensui to no end until Yusuke finally came in. No, I didn't think about it, and I pushed it at the back of my head to clear my mind off any other things that would make my chest ache more than it already does.

It must've been a few minutes when she did come back, holding out a silver tray. The sweet aroma of congee tickled my nostrils and made me open my weary eyes. I watched quietly as she settled the tray down to look at me. "Would you like to turn the lights on?" she asked, gesturing to the switch just beside the door.

I shook my head no, not seeking the supposed comforts of the lights. I felt it in myself that I liked the darkness, most especially when she nodded her head and went near the window, spreading the curtains out to let the light of the moon in. The moonlight casted an ethereal look upon the room, and I closed my eyes, etching its beauty inside my mind.

She moved with an undeniable grace towards the table from which the food lay, taking the tray again as she settled the tray down beside me. She then moved to pull the small table beside the bed, and this she used to place the tray on as she sat beside me. She looked at me. "Your mother doesn't seem to be around, so I made this myself," she said, a shy smile on her lips. "So be gentle if you're planning to judge the taste, okay?"

I think I smiled a little bit and nodded.

She nodded as well and reached out for the bowl, holding it by the platter that supported its weight. She then held a spoon in the other hand, dipping it in, took it out, slid out the spill underneath and was about to lean in to feed me when I stopped her. She frowned. "What?"

I looked down, a little bit embarrassed with myself for a moment. "I can feed myself, you don't have to bother with me," I said.

Botan sighed and settled the bowl down on the table. She then turned to me. "You've not fully recovered your strength yet, just let me do it," she said, her voice rising in a domineering manner as she eyed me intently.

I looked back. "I'm sure I can do it, I can't be that weak." I wasn't sure if this is true, since just a while ago I found it difficult just leaning back. But I was certain that I didn't want to bother her, and I am not the kind who'd want to be seen as a sick puppy at all.

But she still held a firm gaze on me. She pulled out my hand from underneath the covers and rested it on hers. I blinked down at my hand on hers, trying to cover up the steady blush that seem to have crept to my cheeks at the simple touch. But she didn't seem to see this though, thank goodness, as she looked at me strenly. "Try and clench you fist, please," she said, pointing at my hand on hers.

I didn't do it just yet. My visible hand lay still on hers as I checked my strength on the other one underneath the covers, scowling as it refused to clench tightly, realizing that I can't even use my full strength to at least close a fist. I was thankful that she didn't see it. I frowned, pulling my hand away from her almost a bit too roughly, finding it useless to even try to show her since I had nothing to prove. She was right, but I didn't say anything and just looked away.

She laughed then, then settled on a knowing smile. "See? I'm right, aren't I?"

I didn't look at her. "I'm just going to feed myself, I don't need that much strength for that," I said stubbornly, still refusing to let her feed me. I still find the idea embarrassing and horrific to my pride.

She frowned in response. "But if you spill anything, I'm not going to clean up after you."

"I'm not going to spill anything."

"But you might."

"Fine. I'll clean it up myself then."

"You could barely stand."

"I'll do it."

"You know, your food's getting cold. If you would just let me do what I'm supposed to, you could've been eating it instead of us arguing about it."

"I can do it."

"You need to regain your strength."

"I will sleep afterwards then."

"Let me do it, please! Besides, I don't want to sit around and watch you eat, I can't stand doing nothing."

"No."

"Stop acting like a stubborn child, Kurama!"

"I will be looking like a child if I let you feed me, Botan."

She stopped. She didn't miss the sarcasm on that last statement, and it almost made me regret arguing with her in the first place. I was near panic that she'll get angry, and I decided that I should apologize. But when I was about to open my mouth to speak, I took one look at her and I stopped.

She was grinning, and trying to stiffle an upcoming laughter. And by the time I could regain myself from my shock and confusion, she did laugh.

I frowned yet again, not liking the state of confusion she just left me in. "What?" I asked irritated, yet somewhat amused and relieved that I've thought wrong.

She shook her head, a lingering smile on her face as she looked at me again. "Rock paper scissors then!" she said, holding out a fist in front of her. "Whoever wins get the spoon, is that okay?" she asked.

I blinked, still confused. "What?!"

Botan rolled her eyes. "Come on, afraid you'll lose? It's just a simple game, Kurama."

I thought I felt a sweatdrop run down the side of my head, but she insisted. I sighed in defeat and held out my own hand. She then said the words and after three counts, we drew out our picks.

I drew rock.

She drew paper.

"I win!" she grinned, snatching up the spoon and bowl from the tray and held it up and stuck her tongue out at me in a childish manner. But before I could retort back, she already had the spoon up to my lips, a smile on her child-like face as the sweet fragrance filled my nostrils. But much as I was gravely intoxicated with it, I held my mouth shut. She frowned. "Ne, don't be stubborn, I won fair and square!"

I looked at her, instantly losing myself on the pleading looks she had on her pretty face as she toyed with me a little more. This went on a few seconds more, but by the time she pouted and gave me a disappointed expression, I knew I lost to her yet again. I sighed, feeling defeated, yet content as I met her smile again. I finally smiled back and opened up.

We were silent again as she fed me, but I was comfortable for once, and just received her servings obediently without another word. This went on for a few minutes more.

"Kurama?"

I looked up to her, my eyebrows shot up in question. "Hai?"

She looked down, gave me the last spoonful and set the bowl down, handing me the glass of water next. She waited for me to finish before she continued. "Ne, let's start over."

My brows met up in confusion. I didn't know what she meant, and decided to wait for further words that might explain herself to me.

But she only smiled at me, not answering my silent question. She held a hand out as if asking for a handshake. "Hi, I'm Botan. Can we be friends?" she asked, a sincere smile void of jokes and everything else on her gentle face.

At first I only stared down at her hand, trying to fathom the situation inside my mind. Her words repeated themselves to me, playing around in my head as I looked at her.

Can we be friends?

Friends. I looked at her hand again, taking in its delicate form as I thought of her words. After all that has happened, was she really willing to forgive me? I was too worried about it that even if what she said was a matter of just being friends, it almost didn't matter. All I knew is that I wanted to be with her, in whatever way possible. I frowned, not knowing what else to say. I looked at her, my eyes weary and troubled. "Botan, I--"

She still retained her smile. "Let's say that you remind me of someone I hold very dear to me, and I want to get to know you better. Is that okay?"

At first I was silent, staring blankly at her hand that she still held up for me. Just a while ago, I could barely touch her, not even sure if I was allowed to, and now I can't understand how I feel just seeing her again, smiling, holding up a hand for me to touch and hold freely. Going back through the loneliness I had to endure over the days I've refused to see her, to give myself the satisfaction of at least gazing at her beautiful eyes, I almost painfully realized how much I've missed her.

And how much these words of hers meant to me. How much she meant to me.

All thoughts cast aside, the realization of what she had been to me evident in front of me, I knew my answer. I looked up at her, smiled and nodded. "Likewise," I found myself saying as I brought up my own hand to embrace hers in a firm hold. "My name is Kurama. Nice to meet you."

End of chapter 15