Padfoot dropped the branches and twigs he had collected from his jaws, and transformed back to his human self. The taste of sap was strong in his mouth and startled him. He almost gagged on the flavour but managed to control himself. His mouth was always so dry lately.
He stoked the cinders and threw some dry leaves into the hearth, hoping they would light quickly. His wand would have come in handy right now, he thought irritably. He could have used Remus's but it was too risky to use a registered wand illegally. Especially when Remus was supposed to be living alone. It would have been too easy for someone to put two and two together and he would be back in Azkaban before he said Merlin.
A few leaves caught fire and Sirius threw on a couple of branches, they were wet and didn't light well but it was enough. How many times had he done this over the last year and a half? Sometimes he'd been too afraid to light a fire in case it would draw someone's attention. No doubt they would find it strange to see a dog asleep in front of a fire and no owner nearby, wizard or no. So much of the time he had gone without the heat simply curling up under a tree or in an unused shed.
He pulled his robes around himself and stared into the flames. Willing himself not to think anymore, but it was impossible.
Was this what his life was now? He didn't really know how long it had been since he had left Hogwarts. One month, maybe two. Remus said he had been practically unconscious for the first couple of days but he didn't even remember how he had gotten to Lupin Lodge. Haphazard moments came back to him, talking to Arabella Figg and Mundungus Fletcher, trying to stay unnoticed, even in animal form, when near known wizarding homes and – Harry. Harry's face when he told him he had to go. Harry trying so hard to sound strong but Sirius knew the boy had been upset. He didn't deserve it, not Harry.
Sirius hadn't been able to sleep for days, ever since he left the 'Danger zone' as Remus called it. He wanted to be happy, he wanted to feel like a human being, but it seemed impossible. He was an empty shell, filled with hatred, anger and revenge. Only last night had he felt something different. Only then, while he grabbed and clawed at his lover's flesh, had he felt alive. In those fraught, hot, throbbing moments he felt like change was possible, but once it was over, once Remus was asleep again, he felt cold. He had lain in that bed, with an amazing man who loved him, who had just given his body to him and he couldn't bear it. He couldn't give Remus what he wanted. He didn't have it in him.
So yet again he had left Remus alone. No explanation, no last goodbyes. Was this the way a normal person acted? What would he do now? Where would he go? Would he leave completely? Then he remembered, I have nowhere to go, Remus is my only friend.
In the background he could hear the bedroom door open, then the soft padding of Remus's feet as he moved towards the living room.
Oh no, not now, go back to bed for gods sake, don't come in here, don't start talking to me like... like... like what, like a lover?
Sirius stared into the fire. He could feel Remus's eyes upon him, watching him in the firelight but he didn't talk. What was he thinking? Please don't talk, just go back to bed.
"Padfoot?"
The name, that name which Remus only used when he knew Sirius needed reassurance, companionship, or just to know that someone cared.
"Do you want a bigger fire?"
"No... it's just enough to keep the cold out," he heard himself say, but nothing could keep out the cold. He had hoped maybe, just maybe, Remus would. But he had been wrong.
"Do you want to come back to bed?"
Sirius closed his eyes, he wanted that more then anything.
"I can't," Sirius said bluntly "I can't sleep in that bed... I can't sleep next to you."
Sirius felt the room tremble. A moment ago it had an edge of love, a warmth coming from the doorway but now that shook as if it had been punched in the stomach.
What made him say that? He shouldn't have said it, he shouldn't have told the truth.
Sirius dropped his head onto his knees, what had he just done? Remus didn't deserve this. He shouldn't have come here. He should have gone somewhere and died alone, it was what he deserved.
Sirius turns his head and looked into the face of an old friend. A friend who now stood in complete shock, a friend whose pale face was blanching with fear and hurt. His hand clutched the doorframe, keeping his feet on the ground. Trying to keep himself from falling.
Sirius's heart jerked. He stood and walked towards Remus, wanting to stop his pain, but the werewolf recoiled from him.
"Please," Sirius implored.
"Don't Sirius! Don't come near me, or I don't know what I'll do." Remus's voice was impassioned but shook with the rage of a lover scorned. Sirius stopped in his tracks.
"Do you want me to leave?"
"Where would you go?" Remus almost accused him.
Sirius looked away, he didn't have anywhere!
"You can stay here... but don't come near me again!" Remus warned.
With that Remus turned and walked away. Sirius stood in the middle of the room not knowing how to react. What did people normally do in these situations? Sirius didn't know. He never had the luxury of learning by experience. In Azkaban there was never any need to talk to anyone, never a need to communicate. Once a year Fudge had come to see him; even then his mind seemed to numb him to silence, but somehow – somehow – he had always managed to force out some kind of logical conversation. Maybe it was the knowledge of his own innocence.
Sirius heard Remus's receding foot steps. He heard the door to the bedroom open...
"WAIT!" he shouted.
The door stopped.
What now? He didn't know... but he had a chance. He walked into the hallway and looked at his lover standing so far away from him. He felt even further away.
"Give me a chance."
"To do what?" said Remus.
"...To explain!"
Remus looked him up and down, trying to ascertain his sincerity. Sirius stood like before a jury, waiting for the verdict.
"In there." Remus said finally, motioning his lithe hand towards the living room.
***
Remus had flicked his wand at the fire when he walked in and it had instantly blazed up. Sirius's eyes winced at the unexpected light but he didn't say anything as he sat down into the couch. Remus had chosen to sit in the armchair on the other side of the fire. Sirius sighed, he shouldn't have expected anything more then that.
"I..." Sirius faltered, trying to put into words something he had tried to bury deep inside. Something he didn't understand himself. He looked up at Remus whose eyes were averted, playing with a lose threat on the arm of the chair. Sirius smiled sadly, he had to talk!
"In Azkaban... it got to a point where everything felt normal; the cell, the freezing cold, the screams, even the horror in my head. It began to feel like that was the way it had always been. The day I found out I could still transform – that as Padfoot it wasn't as terrible – I think then I realised that something was wrong. I knew I had to get away! If I escaped and I could be human again without the Dementors outside the door making me – insane."
Sirius stopped for a moment, bitterness flashed through his eyes but he went on.
"When I escaped I started to remember things. Things they had taken from me. Things that I would never have giving up willingly," Sirius took in a sharp breath "They made me forget you!"
Remus finally looked up to meet Sirius's eyes.
"They took all my happy memories, everything I cared about... everything I – loved... I think they took you first."
Remus shivered in the firelight.
"Are you cold?"
Remus shook his head. Sirius sat forward on the seat and clasped his hands together.
"When I got you back," Sirius continued "I didn't remember everything at first but it made me want to kill Pettigrew even more. He'd taken James and Lily, but he'd taken you as well and I hated him for that. My body would shake with rage. I wanted him to die. I wanted him to feel in one moment all the pain I had felt since he betrayed Lily and James... but Harry wouldn't let me do it, it was his choice but he should've let me..." Sirius stopped. He couldn't get angry, not now.
"That night when I seen you in The Shrieking Shack, everything came back," a smile flashed on Sirius's lips. "Things we had done together; Graduation, Lily and James's Wedding, the '78 World Cup." Sirius and Remus both grinned despite themselves.
"I had all the memories but I couldn't fit it all together, I was an echo of my former self, I didn't feel human... I don't feel human. I've lost something else and I don't know if I can ever get it back."
Remus looked at Sirius his eyes softer, looking for answers.
"Sirius, I don't understand what this had to do with you not wanting to sleep next to me?"
"I do want to!" Sirius exclaimed "I just can't."
Remus raised his eyebrows. "So you can fuck me but you can't hold me!" Sirius was taken aback by Remus's words. He had never heard him speak like that. He didn't know exactly how to answer. Remus just looked at him waiting.
"Remus, I spent years afraid of being near anyone. In Azkaban I knew if I felt anyone's touch it was a Dementor taking another part of me. When we – last night – I felt alive for the first time in years. I could feel the blood pumping through my veins, I felt my skin burning and I smelt life."
"And afterwards?"
"I just... felt cold. I can't explain it. It's like the Dementors still have a hold on me. They felt that I was happy, and they took it from me."
Sirius looked away. He didn't know what else to say. He was fighting for his life and he couldn't even explain how he felt.
"Do you love me?" Remus asked, his eyes trying not to betray emotions.
"I don't know if I can... love." Sirius answered looking at the fire.
"Do you love Harry?"
Sirius looked up at Remus and surprised himself with a definite "Yes! I don't know how, but yes.""
"Is that a happy thought?"
"No!"
"Why not?"
"Because I can't protect him, look what happened this year! Voldemort had him in his grasp, he was nearly killed and where was I?"
"That's not your fault, Sirius!"
"It's not Harry's either," Sirius half shouted, anger flashing through his eyes. "I just don't want him to be hurt anymore."
Remus looked away into the fire. Sirius watched him for a moment, the flames casting shadows over his face.
"Do you understand?" Sirius asked.
"Well," Remus said "I guess we figured out our problem."
Sirius looked at him inquisitively.
"You can love," Remus explained. "You just don't love me."
"That's not true," Sirius moved forward and knelt in front of Remus "I remember loving you; I know every line of your body with out even touching you. I can tell just by smelling you how you feel. I know I can love you; I'm just... so fucked up, Remus. I need time to heal." He moved forward putting his hand on Remus's knee. "Just give me time," Sirius pleaded with his dog eyes. "I'm not saying it would be easy, I don't even know if I can change, but there is only one person in the world I would ever be able to do it for."
Daylight was beginning to bleed into the room. It worked its way across the floorboards and crept up Sirius's face, filling it with the beauty of the morning sun. Suddenly it seemed like the face of a younger man, one who wasn't so pained and scarred. The heart of the werewolf melted. He reached a tentative hand out to touch Sirius, not sure how he would react, hoping that he would fall into his arms but Remus's mind telling him better.
Just then a fluttering of feathers was heard at the window and a large snowy owl swooped through. She flew around the room once before landing neatly on Remus's knee next to where Sirius had laid his hand. She looked from Remus to Sirius before opening and closing her wings smugly.
"Someone is proud of her self," Sirius teased before untying the letter from Hedwig's leg. As Sirius read the note Remus ran his fingers over the owl's feathers. Hedwig moved her head against his hand affectionately and gave his finger an appreciative nip before spreading her wings to fly off.
"Hold on you!" Sirius said to the bird and she turned and gave him a nasty look. Sirius handed the letter to Remus.
"Read that!" Sirius said with an edge of irritation. Remus looked down at the piece of parchment Sirius half threw at him inquisitively, wondering what possibly could have annoyed him.
Dear Snuffles,
I don't know how Hedwig will find you but if she does please reply by return owl. (Maybe let her rest a while if you can.)
Dumbledore wants me to stay with my aunt and uncle again for the summer, he says it's for my own protection but I think I'll end up doing something stupid if Dudley tries to hit me with his Smeltings stick again, HA HA.. If I can I'm going to stay with Ron before September. Will you come visit us?
Better go, I've had to write this by starlight as I'm not meant to be using Hedwig.
Harry
P.S. If you're 'lying low' at Professor Lupin's say hi from me.
Remus smiled at the last line. He looked up at Sirius.
"What about it?" Remus asked.
"Can't you see he's being stupid? He wants to go and stay at the Weasleys' after all that's happened!"
"Of course he does! Who would want to stay with Petunia Evans?" Remus grimaced remembering the awful things James had told him about her treatment of Lily.
"Dumbledore sent him there for a reason!"
"I know that, Padfoot," Remus cooed. "But the boy is lonely, he has no one of his kind around and the Muggles he's staying with aren't exactly pleasant."
"What about Arabella?" Sirius challenged.
Remus smirked. "Now we all know that Arabella isn't exactly the full Galleon!" Remus smiled up at Sirius.
Sirius ignored this and grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill from the desk.
Harry,
Stay where you are! Dumbledore is a great man and you listen to him. I'll try to get Padfoot to Privet Drive if I can.
Snuffles
Sirius glanced at the frown on Remus's face and scribbled.
P.S. Professor Lupin says hi.
***
Author's note: The reasoning and basis for Sirius's behaviour in these chapters was conceived from personal experience. Knowing what it is like to be so deeply harmed in your youth by something completely outside your control and the residual feelings you are left with, made it possible for me to identify strongly with Sirius. Twelve years of abuse left him fearful of being touched, fearful of contact with another human being because of the violence he has experienced. He is able to 'fuck' Remus, as it is so nicely put, because he can disconnect himself from the action and allow his instincts to dominate but when it is over he can't hide anymore. In his head he knows Remus won't hurt him but his skin crawls with memories of pain and cruelty.
This chapter is dedicated, with all my heart and understanding, to every reader who identifies with these feelings. You are not alone!
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